Stop following the stages of grief… Kati unfiltered

In this video I'm talking about the 5 stages of grief... as a LMFT who has worked closely with grief and grieving with many of my patients, along with my personal grief journey, I'm here to tell you that I think the 5 stages of grief we often refer to are archaic and should not be followed closely. So what does grief or the grieving journey actually look like? And in my research and experience, what is grieving actually like? And what can we grieve? And how does grieving a loved one differ from grief recovery from other areas? In this video I'm talking you through my grief journey and what I believe to be true around grief, grieving and the grief journey.
More videos on grief:
How to deal with grief: • How to Deal with Grief
Is this complicated grief? • Is This Complicated Gr...
7 things NOT to say to someone who is grieving: • 7 things NOT to say to...
Grieving unlived lives from AKA podcast: • Grieving Unlived Lives...
0:00: Understanding the complexities of grief beyond traditional stages and personal experiences.
4:08: Understanding the Experience of Loss and Grief
8:06: Challenges with diagnostic criteria for prolonged grief disorder and cultural norms around grieving.
12:09: The emotional impact of loss and grief, including the death of dreams, can be overwhelming.
16:07: Impact of sudden multiple losses on close family members and friends.
20:14: Navigating through grief requires time, understanding, and support from therapy and group sessions.
23:55: Navigating through grief involves acknowledging emotions, taking breaks, and not rushing the healing process.
Recap for • Stop following the sta... by Tammy AI
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[@Katimorton]

7 things NOT to say to someone who is grieving: kzbin.info/www/bejne/kJumpaVqr7Z6f7Msi=dN4xFQv3LoFggMOS

[@j0.ZEF-Who]

Good grief

[@trinnikel]

so proud of you for taking this big step in taking it public. I also struggle with grief. your video inspired me to keep going. THANK YOU

[@alkante2962]

For a French audience/readers, I do recommend all the books by Christophe Fauré especially Vivre le deuil au jour le jour, he was, and still is, among rare french serious ressources to go to. Also the Vivre son Deuil association fonded by the psychanalyst Michel Hanus at a time there was nothing to go to and death and grief were a total tabou. This association is validated as "of public utility" by the public services.

[@elevatetogenerate]

Kati, why should anybody believe you after you disgraced the modern therapy profession? Many people cannot and do not want to be duped by people who refer to themselves as "therapists", but in reality they have more semblance to Privileged Karens

[@ninajohnson6578]

One of the most powerful thing my therapist told me was “ I have worked with many grieving people but never someone who lost their soulmate”. I’d waited until I was 61 to meet my person. We married and he suddenly died 9 months later. Still grieving and will think of him and his love for me everyday…always.

[@createone100]

🙏🏻💖💕

[@raeperonneau4941]

I am so sorry. That’s heartbreaking.

[@cristinafrick9773]

I'm so very sorry for your loss- sending prayers!

[@kryssalou]

oh friend. i am so sorry for your loss. i lost both a platonic and romantic soulmate before i turned 26. the pain is immeasurable, and the impact they had on my life is why i keep going. it’s bittersweet. i hope you find peace, i hope you experience the days where grief comes with smiles and good memories instead of pain from their absence. honor your soulmate wherever you can, keep their memory alive as long as you are here. 🫶🏻

[@RosheenQuynh]

Oh my gosh 😢

[@dilbertfish]

In my experience, grief never goes away, some days it's like carrying a stone, others like dragging an anchor.

[@ruthhamilton4882]

After 30 years, I can confirm you never "get over it ", you just learn how to live with it.

[@laurieloudamy1846]

Well said and so true.

[@kryssalou]

the pain doesn’t go away, we just make room for it. we carry it differently each and every day.

[@alkante2962]

Grief changes the life of the person who stays behind. But one can try to understand the process of it, the reasons of it, the mechanics of one special relationship, the story and the history of a relationship, what was at work, how one was impacted, how one can continue without, ... For some, comprehension is key, not always easy but trying to understand helps to redirect this pain. I would not say it gives it a purpose because there is no purpose in pain, it just is because of our personal story/history. Comprehension or search for it gives perspective, it does not cancel one's grief.

[@amydewhurst3076]

My mum who died was an extremely toxic person who neglected me. So there's been no stages and instead very complicated emotions and crazy anxiety

[@Tilly236]

I'm with you there. No one prepares you for how many conflicting emotions there are surrounding this. A lot of grief counselling doesn't really cover it.

[@paperseatbelt]

im going through this too

[@createone100]

💕

[@hatchet8209]

@@createone100 George Washington had a problem with his mom and buried her behind a tree. Read up on the history on that.

[@hatchet8209]

unfortunately people leave their memories behind

[@luvqraft6024]

“Stuck”… what you’ll hear over and over when your grief exceeds the allotment of time allowed for someone else’s comfort.

[@JamieWyatt]

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross outlined the stages of grief for people who are dying, terminal cancer patients and such. They were not intended for people who are still living. One aspect of grief I think isn't talked about enough is disenfranchised grief-grief that you feel like you're not allowed to feel. Addicts feel it when one of their friends (who they often got high with with) dies from an overdose. Someone who had an affair (and stayed married) might feel it when the person they cheated with dies. All grief is valid grief.

[@hatchet8209]

that is anticipate grief they experienced with that model

[@suehowie152]

Yes! Thank you.

[@hatchet8209]

Divorce grief is different

[@RosheenQuynh]

Omg, that makes SO much sense!!!

[@emilysmith2965]

Another type of disenfranchised grief is the grief you feel when you have to cut contact with a close family member or friend who has emotionally abused or neglected you - with or without their knowledge. Everyone says “oh, how dare you! Your parents did the best they could. Don’t you feel sorry for them?” Or “you know your friend couldn’t hold a job. Just give him the money. What is wrong with you?” There’s never a good enough reason, in popular awareness, to end a close relationship, not even if it kept you financially stuck or increased your suicidal ideation. It’s so hard. And it’s worse because people act like it’s not even fair for us to grieve.

[@katiebodkin3681]

I wish you would have included the grief from losing a pet. It's so hard some days thinking about the last day of having to euthanize the poor suffering soul. I'm completely haunted from the cries and the one pic i took thats still in my phone. You're so right it's so heavy some days. Loved this video

[@createone100]

💕🐾🙏🏻

[@babysinclaire]

Absolutely

[@Tilly236]

I really feel this. There's so much guilt and so many 'what if's.

[@patriciacrawford3291]

I can totally relate to the grief of losing a pet. It's only been 10 days since I lost my 14 year old fur baby. I miss him dearly, and life just isn't the same.

[@melonbbykaja7605]

I agree. I have an 18 year old cat that I am TERRIFIED of losing. She is my SOULMATE, idc what anyone says. She truly understands me. I admit that I do not love nor care about anyone else or any thing to this degree. Especially since I only had her since she was 8 or 9 and having just left a toxic abuse relationship and now that I'm in safe place and somewhat recovered, it feels like I've only had her for 2 years. I've had many many days where the anticipatory grief has been very heavy and debilitating and I am so so scared for what I'll become when it happens. I will be very unwell and I think so for the rest of my life. I am so sorry for your loss. I am happy you were able to be with your pet when and for how long you were able to.

[@celticcello]

I'm a therapist that works with people who has lost loved ones to suicide. I have also experienced all types of these losses. I have worked as a grief therapist. I have always thought that the stages are B.S. I am going to be sharing this video with my Survivor of Suicide Loss group. Thanks for this timely video.

[@lilafeldman8630]

God bless you. So few people go where you're willing to go. I lost my dad that way, and never found therapy helpful. A year later, I was rummaging around in my grandparents house, my grandad had since passed. I found a big book by Elizabeth Kubler Ross. I took it home and read it. It was nice to have a starting point.

[@suehowie152]

Kubler- Ross's work was based on people who were given a terminal diagnosis. These are the stages she observed those people go through.

[@celticcello]

@@suehowie152 I know. That is why it is so frustrating that people use it as a grief model.

[@suehowie152]

@@celticcello I'm absolutely sure that wasn't her intention, so yes, very frustrating.

[@celticcello]

@@suehowie152 I didn't take her post as a negative. I happen to agree with her. I was just venting my overall frustration with how the stages model has been misunderstood.

[@juliegiles334]

It's a difficult, but oh so important topic. I lost my brother last October, and the pain comes in waves. Each loss seems to trigger a past loss.

[@laurieloudamy1846]

Yes, I found I that my last 3 losses have brought my previous losses to the forefront.

[@janaljepava3840]

I’ve been a widow for over 30 years. From the sudden death, a misdiagnosed heart attack, of my husband. Our kids were very young when their dad died. The grief comes back, not as strong, when the kids go through life achievements we would have celebrated together. Being a grandparent without him is sometimes sad because I know he would have loved being a grandpa. I tell people grief is something that will be with you your whole life. Not intensely as at first but there will be moments when it comes up. Anniversaries, birthdays special celebrations.

[@autumnwallace6332]

My therapist made me realize that I needed to grieve my child having autism. I excepted and we rolled with the diagnosis. At a point you have to grieve your dream that wasn’t how you anticipated.

[@lilafeldman8630]

Yep.

[@lilafeldman8630]

Have you ever read the essay welcome to Holland? You should look it up.

[@lilafeldman8630]

I had a couple that I was once friends with. They were Christians and got married and we're hoping to have a large godly family. But my friend had to Major train wreck pregnancies. The first pregnancy was twins and one twin died the other ended up in the NICU and has developmental delays. Then they tried again and also had a life-threatening pregnancy. That baby survived but also ended up in the Nicu with developmental delays

[@autumnwallace6332]

@@lilafeldman8630 both mine were micro preemies. 1 pound girl the one on the spectrum and then another 1 pound boy. 26-27 weeks gestation. Probably another thing I just sailed right through and didn’t deal with. 😂🤦🏽‍♀️. I will definitely check out the essay. Thank you

[@lilafeldman8630]

@@autumnwallace6332 some people don't like the welcome to Holland essay. But a lot of people have been helped by it. One of my best friends from childhood was born with lots of physical disabilities. Her parents weren't expecting it at all. And they found that little essay helpful. Also found hope through their church, their faith. Some of the best people that I know.

[@dot_t]

I lost my Mom to suicide almost 3 years ago and I feel like I've been on autopilot for a long time. I don't feel like I've been moving through any stages.

[@theemoturtle7002]

I lost my mom about 4 years ago when I was 20 and I never went through the denial stage or the bargaining stage. I was just mad; like really mad. I remember just having this anger and lashing out at anyone who said "I know how you feel." That was an insult. My mom will never meet my partner, she will never help pick out my wedding dress, she will never crochet a baby blanket for my children like she promised. I still feel that sadness and anger and it's been 4 years.

[@lostinthefairygarden]

sending you so much love

[@mostlyvoid.partiallystars]

I think it’s ok to be angry. That’s completely valid. I lost a best friend to a car accident at 17 and I was very angry too, at the world, at god, at anyone who was able to get on with life with him gone. I dunno what changed or when. I won’t promise you that it will. But I just wanted to say that whatever you feel is ok. Even if it’s anger at others.

[@deedeewinfrey3181]

I recently lost two dear friends, both unexpectedly. One person passed at the hospital, and the other was murdered. My grief is marked with anger and regret. The murder has deeply affected me because she asked me to tell the authorities about the abuse and the death threats if anything happened to her, but they dont believe me. He's going to get away with murdering my friend. I miss my friends already.

[@kellyhayden7244]

❤ I'm so sorry. I lost two in a row recently too. I'm with you.

[@Urodahero]

That's horrible 😢. My condolences. I hope justice will be served.

[@ithacacomments4811]

My mother was autistic. She worked very hard her whole life. For me...her oldest of five.....she was overwhelming to have a relationship with. She was always on the edge of a meltdown. She passed April 2023. I felt relief....then saddness....then relief. I shredded many family photos. The photos triggered so many emotions in me that I don't want to experience anymore.

[@elin_]

I've grieved my parent for 6 years now, and all those stages comes back in random order. I've also grieved my old self for a long time, and the life I could've had if I never were bullied or got burned out. I'm FULL of grief.

[@l.d.johnson4705]

Grief, to me, is a mountain, tall, sharp, no way to "get over it" it will always be there. But with practice, time, and compassion, i can build a trail around it. Sometimes the trail can be difficult as well, but at a point i accept the mountain, and be glad i didn't get taken out by a rock slide, building my trail.

[@YetiGirl]

I love this so much! Thank you for sharing this!

[@TheBassetlover]

I lost my dad in a car accident 59 years ago. Just to mention of his name makes me weep. 10 years ago, I went through two years of grief therapy. I avoided it for 49 years, not intentionally. But when the grief hit, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Not sure if there was any stages in my grief. This was a great video.

[@Tilly236]

One of my problems is that I don't have people to discuss people who've passed away with. I'm estranged from family, who turned even more toxic after the deaths, and either aren't emotionally affected or just won't acknowledge it. It's very hard to find people willing to talk about grief if they didn't know the people you need to talk about. I haven't had any support through any grief, it's all had to be done through therapy. But sometimes I just want to talk about them, just because. In the last four years I've lost both toxic parents, and thus had to deal with other toxic family members, who were more concerned about the inheritance. No emotional support or comfort whatsoever. A lovely friend, one of the kindest, sweetest people I've ever met, who I miss way more than my parents. Her family aren't good with emotions and crying felt unwelcome at her wake, so I wasn't able to express it. And my beloved cat of almost 10 years - a constant companion and pretty much the love of my life so far 🩷 I think people disregard pet grief, but it's the purest love there is, they see us in all our private moments and just want to be with us. It's been a lot to bear.

[@doug3819]

I'm currently going to griefshare, being around others that lost a loved is helping me. You don't have to be religious to be helped by it. Just talking and listening helps.

[@pris_pris]

Agreeeeeeeeeeeee with this!!!!!!!!!!!! Time to start seeing and handling grief differently. Society needs to change immediately!

[@lanefaurot]

I love the way you speak. When you said “Duh…” I cracked up. Yet, I completely feel what you’re saying. Like we’re in the same room and you’re speaking to me. You’re an inspiration 😊

[@BrittanyElenaRemo]

Thank you so much for talking about grief. I lost my brother and dad back in 2021 and it’s never felt the same since and I relate so heavily to this topic. Thanks for sharing.

[@sarinalight7422]

I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your father. I know losing a parent can be difficult. I lost my father in early 2016 yet I’ll never forget what he taught me. I can’t hug him 💔 💔Or my mom, who I loss approximately 5 months prior to the pandemic. Her loss in an odd way helped me understand the importance of understanding what many individuals were dealing with during the pandemic. I No Longer want to sound like a victim. I’m Grateful for the lesson & Powerful understanding of Radical Acceptance that I understand today. Thnx Katie.

[@warrens1757]

Sorry for the loss of your dad. I lost mine at 31. Three weeks before he died we had a falling out. He said he never wanted to see me again. Then died suddenly from an aneurism. Be careful what you wish for. I don't think I will ever stop grieving that.

[@LauraSigns]

I'm so sorry.

[@warrens1757]

@@LauraSigns Thank you

[@vulgartrendkill]

its coming up to a year since my father in law passed, and I think after a while people almost assume after x length of time you`ll be ok but that is so untrue. you learn to live with it, always.

[@pnwmeditations]

I lost my nephew to a rare cancer last year. The ups and downs of hope, grief, sadness, have been messy and non-linear. One of the tougher things to deal with in loss and grief, is that life just ... happens. Awful things can just appear in your life, regardless of what other stuff is going on. The progression of the tragedy didn't fit into a neat narrative where stuff made sense. In fact, some developments felt cosmically cruel in their timing. At times, setbacks happened on the absolute worst moment they could have happened. I think the "five stages" model is yet another way we try to assert control on the chaos. It gives the illusion that even in the death of a loved one, we can follow a template and control our reality, such that we can return to a status quo and regain some kind of innocence on the other side of a big upset. The harder (but I think more rewarding) work is to sit with your suffering and let it teach you something. I know that for me, it's taught me reflect on how precious life is, how short it is, how death and misfortune is what binds us all as people. There are a lot of things I used to obsess over that I just plain no longer care about. They just don't matter anymore, in the grand scheme of things. It can be horribly painful, but I think it can also lead to growth. It will never not hurt that my nephew was denied a full life on this Earth and that he had to suffer so needlessly. But I shouldn't ever try to "make it okay". It would dishonor his memory to do so. What I can do is integrate that hurt into my life in ways that make me live better.

[@AMBanner]

My dad died in 2014. On the 19th of this month. I miss him and still grieve and cry daily.

[@snappycattimesten]

Anticipatory grief was horrible. Spent close to a decade trying to pre-empt the drama that was inevitably coming. Ended up manifesting in autoimmune disorder: lost my hair, body weight - my doctor thought I had cancer. In the end, I just went numb emotionally. By prioritising me, my health recovered mostly. I hope everyone figures their pathway soon.

[@sebastiengermain267]

I lost both my Grandfather to old age, and my cousin to a drug overdose in a short period of time, and I never had the time to grieve at all. Still coming to terms with their passing a few years later and I'm not even sure what grieving properly looks like for me right now. Thanks for the video!

[@sharon_stewart]

Thank you for this video. Perfect timing for me. Lost our beloved dog a few days ago - a beautiful soul - and it really sucks. I agree that the grieving process isn’t linear and it can be attached to other things e.g., grief around not having children. Thanks again 🐾🌈

[@Jason-fx6pb]

Thank you so much for making this video. I appreciated how you talked about how grief is heavy, because it really is. For the last 18 months, I've been sort of grieving the slow destruction of my old school's middle school program. Along with that, I really miss the person I was before September 2022. This video helped me a lot today. Thank you.

[@nancyliawoods]

Thank you ❤ I have been so fortunate not to lose anyone close to me from death.... but my dad left me and the fam 6 years ago to "start his life over" shutting our family business down, selling the childhood homeand all. Including leaving my mom behind (she came to this country to be with him years ago and atill struggles with language).. Anyway, I grieve this loss daily, not a day goes by that I don't miss him and end up tearing up...then I think of my mom and how she didnt deserve that from a man she built her life with and that hurts too.... value your content, thanks❤

[@lelandbissinger2661]

Excellent! I'm an LMFT in Minnesota and have struggled convincing people the stages are more phases and yes you phase in and out all the time. Acceptance is not forgetting. As a minor clarification Kuebler-Ross also disavowed the 5 stages in later years. These were simply her observations. The book, was actually6 a scathing critique of the funeral industry, which capitalizes on these feelings.

[@whisperingwooper1763]

Having grief as a diagnosis is absolutely wild to me. Yes good for people to get treatment and insurance companies but grief in my experience isn’t something we get over in all types of forms especially losing a loved one and losing lack of physical ability is huge. I feel that the healthiest point is to learn to live with the grief but I don’t believe we ever truly get over grief it is a journey to me. Also anniversary dates, holidays etc are massive triggers I feel for most people I know for me my grief is most intense during holidays. Also yes it’s so true that when someone passes you get an outpouring of support and then it disappears it’s like grieving the lack of support on top of the actual grief checking in is great.

[@emilysmith2965]

There are so many kinds of grief. There’s grief from death, grief from estrangement, from suffering an injustice, from having your dreams die. There’s grief from loss of a home, and simply from the passage of time. My favorite restaurant closed. The farmers’ market doesn’t meet here anymore. I used to go out at night, but now I have kids. Wow, people are just not as caring as I believed them to be in my youth. I was going to be an NCAA basketball player, but I got hurt badly in high school. We all carry a million little griefs. Some of us carry one or more large ones. They are all profound and significant.

[@pixegerl]

Ive never experienced death yet So I never recognise grief in my life. Your words really opened my mind to the broader context of grief, the idea that grief can be felt over things that never came to fruition is a better example of how I feel. I had anorexia for 3 years, I lost myself twice, once in the thick of it and once again in recovery and having to process the time I lost and the relationships I damaged. I’ve been stuck in the same place for years because my mind can’t find a way to accept it, I feel so angry with myself and seeing people my age who have kept up with life and not derailed themselves, makes me feel worthles in my self esteem as there is no reasoning or blame for my past other than myself. Rather than pinning myself down to blame and guilt, if I try allowing myself to feel grief about it and letting it grow around me instead of in me, I might be more compassionate towards myself and that could hopefully aid me in the right direction to proper treatment. Thank you for talking in detail about this and how it is often unrecognisable or felt as something else

[@christym.6529]

Your videos on grief helped me a lot when my grandma passed away. Thank you Kati! ❤

[@karenak8084]

Kati, you are such an inspiration and loving person. I love your raw emotions. The fact that you have experienced these issues too, and can relate, makes it that much more helpful to watch/listen to your videos. Your explanations and advice have been so beneficial to me. I’m grieving a 20 year relationship that became toxic and dysfunctional. It took me 2 years to decide to leave and start over on my own. I’ve been totally disregarded and disrespected by this partner since I made this decision. It turned out, at the end, he showed me a side of him I never knew existed. We had many good times together and great memories. I know I made the right decision in leaving, but it still is a loss. I’m in counseling right now and hoping, with time, that I can adjust to the loss and new life I am living. Thank you so much for your help.

[@dflojr1]

I needed this message. And I really needed that visual too. Thank you for supporting me through my grief.

[@marywilliams5262]

I think I have prolonged grief because of my son’s birth injury. I’m grateful he survived… but I find myself grieving over his disability. He has two male cousins born at the same time so it’s in my face constantly. I’m fine most of the time , but I experience grief periodically and it’s just as strong and fresh.

[@lisastella458]

My father passed 6 years ago and my aunt passed 5 years ago, having gone into hospital for an operation and never came home again. As you can imagine I was devastated l found that Grief never goes away😢

[@par2788]

Sorry for your loss. I also lost my dad on Colon cancer 5 years ago. My dad sufferd from Thyroid cancer too. The otherday I parcitipated on a seminar about thyroid Nodules ( I am a physician) and I was frozen. I dissociated and since then I feel a lot of panic attacks. That really is a struggle.

[@donnag7908]

Several years ago a very close friend of mine from college died after a long illness. It was her husband who called me when she died. Well, recently I learned her husband died suddenly. At first I was in total disbelief. I thought it couldn’t possibly true. His death has hit me so hard! This video has helped me make sense of my feelings. I realized I never fully grieved the loss of my friend when she died. I didn’t get to go to the funeral because of the illness of my child who was hospitalized at the time. The same year I returned to school, my dad went into a nursing home and died the following year. In addition I was dealing with the mental illness of a loved one. My life overlapped so much with my friend. We all met in college, we both got married about the same time and we had children around the same age. We would get together often. My husband loved them as much as I did. They were so young. I think about their children and I grieve for them and their loss. It seems so unfair.

[@DownTheDumpsterFireHole]

Going through grief, having the guilt of being in grief, and then the pressure of not 'doing grief right' can be unbearable. THANK YOU for calling the stages as bull**** and allowing me grieve as I will.

[@littlenoya9662]

My cat and life comrade passed away in March. He's been my soulmate for 13 years. It was a death I expected, so it was easier to mentally prepare. I was with him every step of the way, it was very ritualistic for the both of us, and I intend to keep the memory of him that way. I felt like my soul had wilted and was waiting to timidly bloom again. Yet, the biggest emotion I can attribute to this event is honor. I am insanely honored to have tackled both life and death with him. I still cry whenever I talk about him, even now, and I don't believe that will ever change, but that's ok. I'm not disabled by the tears, but my feelings about the most important being in my life could never lessen, no matter how much I'd grow around it. It was an honoring, humbling and natural event. That's another very strong emotion I have about it, of naturalness. I've felt some guilt about these feelings. I've felt guilt that it wasn't a traumatising event, but a wonder of the universe I could only bow in front of. I'm thankful for this video, I feel like I can fully let go of that guilt now. We all have our own grief

[@mekman4]

I appreciate your insights on grief, along side all of your work. Thank you, always.

[@Urodahero]

Thanks Kati. You being vulnerable and very upfront with your feelings is very helpful and cathartic. Also your insights are really spot on, people do tend to forget about your loss or just don't wanna talk. So much so that you start to hide it or feel inadequate. Thanks for helping me live through this emotions and experience. Lost my father suddenly about 6 months ago. We went to this beautiful theatre play, and we walked around admiring old buildings in the centre of our hometown. That's a great memory.

[@ThatGrrrl]

Thank you for this video. With my whole heart, I am grateful.

[@LisaBrook-rx2qj]

Excellent video!!! You are bang on. There is all kinds of grief. Everyone is different and feels things different. I have suffered so many poses in a short period of time. It has taken a lot of work on my part and some counciling to pull myself together again.

[@laurieloudamy1846]

Oh my gosh you so nailed it. I love the analogy about the backpack. That is what I have felt for 2 years now; so now I realize why I can’t do as much as I used to. It makes your soul tired, if that makes sense. This was so helpful for those of us carrying that constant weight of grief. Thank you so much. You’re very good at your chosen profession.

[@DeerheartStudioArts]

Thank you soooooo much! I am grieving the death of my longest dearest friend. Over 50 years! I thought I was stuck in denial and I was afraid of other “stages”. Now I am comforted and less afraid of grief since watching your vid.

[@TheAlixour]

Wow! Love the way you eloquently described grief!

[@vhondachristian7978]

Wow. This video is so timely for me. A month ago I put my old dog down. He had CHF and a diaphragmatic hernia. Some of his intestines were by his heart and lungs. It was getting harder and harder for him to breathe and was coughing badly. He wasn't just a dog to me. He was my emotional support animal. For 10 yrs we were together constantly. He was a comfort to me through my adult son alienating me from his life. I lost being a Grandma to his sons. We have a history of him ghosting me. No talks, no fights. He gets mad at me and won't talk to me about it. Then my marriage broke up because I came to see the truth of the deceit and manipulation that was going on. Everything I thought was my life was a lie. I was devastated. Then my evil mother died and I mourned the loss of a relationship that was never going to be. I was not welcome at her funeral. I'm still the black sheep. Then my divorce. Then the pandemic. Then I sold my home and moved 900 miles to be near my twin sister. My dog helped me find joy and lightness in my shitty life. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to him. I still need him. I cry daily Sometimes all day long. It has only been a month but it's a month of heaviness, exhaustion, dwelling on my past. I miss him so much. I'll get to a place of acceptance but not necessarily today. Thanks for your help.

[@scottkirk1303]

I like how you break things down to an easy to comprehend messages.

[@teen-at-heart]

Such an important topic (and so little talked about in the day to day)…thanks for this video!

[@morganlahm9381]

I lost a lot in 2023. I graduated from high school (which made me lose a lot of friendships), my parents got a divorce, my parents sold my childhood home in the country, and I moved to the city (I loved the country, and I hate the city), and I broke up with my now ex of 3 years who was also my best friend in the entire world. Then in August I started college, and that through me into a loop of a new lifestyle and adjustment. It all happened over the summer of 2023, so probably within the span of 3 months. It was exhausting. I also struggle with ocd and other anxieties, which made it all 10000x times worse. The first semester was alright, still heavy, but the ocd didn't bother me. Then second semester hit, and the ocd is rampant. I can't tell which part is the hardest, but I miss the country a lot, though I am grateful I still get to go and visit it at my friends' places since they live in the country. I miss my ex a lot. We broke up on good terms. We would still be friends if I wasn't still in love with her. She was the most beautiful, creative, and hardworking woman I have ever met, and I loved her more than I have ever loved anyone. I have never felt so heartbroken in my life. I'll share some good memories we made just because the relationship I lost is something I miss a lot. On my 17th birthday she bought us matching opal rings and that day was super fun. I felt like I was married to her haha. Then last year I had some great times with her. I went to prom with her, and we tore up the dance floor! It was so fun. She made life so fun. Then after we broke up, she texted me during no contact 4 months later. It made me realize how dull life was without her. We hung out and it was so magical being with her again. Her beautiful smile, her bedroom, her home, her smell, everything. We talked for 9 hours straight. We talked about how we could feel each other's souls and how we were soulmates, but I told her I had to leave her again because I was in love with her and she wasn't in love with me. It was even more painful leaving her the second time around, but that day with her was incredible. Grief is huge and painful, but I plan on building a new life, which is something I have already started. But it's been so hard keeping up socially. I have friends, but all I want to do is isolate and write and read and do my other hobbies alone. The only people I want to see are my family, CLOSE friends, my therapist, and that's it.

[@iris__and_rhizomes]

Thank you, Kati. I really needed this today. Also, it was fun going back to the OG format with the DSM. ❤️ Your OG Viewer, Jori

[@ronlyons7455]

I get so much from your videos. Thank you❤🕯️

[@ihartevil]

The stages tend to work when people dont force it and let them happen Some people in general more apt to be angry so that stage might show more I know for me anger and sadness went together a lot in general

[@mostlyvoid.partiallystars]

Wow this video is so needed. Thank you.

[@CloudslnMyCoffee]

Parents who cannot grieve because they have to push it down to take care of children often have complicated grief

[@createone100]

Another huge factor in dealing with grief is if you have experienced a succession of griefs. For me, these include my dear late husband, my mother, friends, and many of my dearly loved animals. There is a numbness that descends. Thank you for addressing these multiple griefs. It is also difficult to shake off the apathy when people are isolated so much these days. Friends shoot you a text, instead of picking up the darn phone, or making the effort to actually come and see you. I believe that Kubler-Ross’ Stages of Grief, in her book ‘On Death and Dying’, was intended to address the stages one goes through after a terminal diagnosis (i.e. the loved one is still alive). The ‘stages’ were then inappropriately applied to grief after someone has died.

[@allie_fallie]

Oof, the grieving process after having to go no contact with my parents has been an absolute rollercoaster.

[@danitaylor2168]

Really well done, will be sharing with my community of those with young adult cancer. Thank you.

[@ginaprespare1316]

What a great, honest video. I agree with you about the stages and how it can take years to grieve. Thank you.

[@GeorgeKidsalot]

Thank you for this, you really hit the nail on the head especially given the fact you’re referring to grief as going beyond mourning the loss of a loved one. I always felt ill at ease during therapy sessions but I’m glad to see different perspectives or better still I’m glad that I’m witnessing therapy as a field evolving and improving as though it were a living breathing thing. I was in therapy from around 2007-2017ish I believe. I live in a country where it used to be really stigmatizing considering we were somewhat backwards in different areas of study and found it off-putting quite frankly as I didn’t get much out of it but I’d like to give it a second chance now almost a decade later. I’m 31 years old and I have it so much better than a lot of other people but I feel as though I’m still grieving for a ton of things in life, to the point of impaired functioning among other things. Thanks again for this, it’s so validating and I truly appreciate it.❤

[@MidlifeMindsetMakeover]

I so want to make a response video because this spurs so many thoughts esp as a MSW student. I so sending you love Katie for sharing because it’s not easy❤

[@thereuponatime]

Thank you, Kati! ❤

[@sylboa]

Thanks so much for talking about this.

[@adamgoodhunter]

I had a tough client back in 2019, and a number of toxic people in my life. Long story short, my whole life I was a codependent and a people pleaser and the intensity of the situations broke that part of me, (as it was no longer a viable coping mechanism). An intense ego death ensued and I went into freeze, as I felt that I could no longer protect and keep up my persona. Since then it has been non stop unpacking and grieving all the things that led me into who I was and to what I had become that wasn't working for me. Almost a complete identity loss. It has been easily a 3-4 year journey. Not something you can get over in 6-12 months. And it feels like there is quite often another layer or a layer that I may not be ready to go into and unpack just yet

[@erikal1593]

I worked at a hospice and one of the social workers told me a story that helped me a lot. She, like me, is an artist. Her professor told her and other students to bring in their favorite work. Then they told the students to destroy the piece. It represents loss and the ability to accept that loss is a part of life.

[@sunitafisher4758]

🌸 I got prolonged grief because at the time I was advised to put all their belongings into charity shops and this was in days of their death. I was shell shocked and moved like robot. Then later my doctor diagnosed me with clinical depression It took me while to get over it. Then there was 3 more deaths in family and it triggered all emotions in buried This time, I recognised the depression setting in, it did take me while to notice it though I’m taking time to be grateful for their precious time with me and gradually I let them go My precious mom and brother 🕊 I’m getting better, I remember them in happy ways now and laugh with my older brother on fond memories. Whereas when they died, it was extremely difficult to deal with everything. I did turn into zombie but I am coming out at the end of that dark tunnel and taking it one day at a time 🪔

[@thepunisher9733]

Love this video, and totally agree with your take on it.

[@scullyfan6]

The biggest piece of grief I feel you missed out is about grieving the loss of pets. When my nearly 2 year old chihuahua puppies both passed away from the same condition within 6 months of each other, it nearly broke me. I feel like when you lose an animal people often expect you to "get over it" quicker or just be less affected in general. I truly think losing a pet can be just as, if not more painful than losing a person in certain circumstances. 3 years on and I'm very definitely NOT "over it".

[@laurieloudamy1846]

I’m totally with you. I lost two of my pups 14Dec22 and Oct 0423. Desi was a chihuahua I adopted when he was 6 and lost him at 10 to cancer and then I lost my 16 year old sheltie. It is incredibly hard to deal with and they are our babies. Grief is absolutely overwhelming. I’m so sorry for the losses of your two chihuahuas and so close together. That is terrible. Prayers up for you. My deepest condolences.

[@soilgrasswaterair]

I had a psychology professor tell the class, that the different stages of grief are not linear for everyone, but they will go through the 5 different stages. In a way ot makes sense because we’re not going to process grief in the same way, some are actively in their grief process and some don’t know the grief stages and ”fight” against their emotions or are in them without fighting against the different grief stages, but aren’t actively in them (instead they just try to continue to do things expected of them and often take care of others. Some get stuck in their grief and numb themselves with substances such as alcohol. Some will go through all of the stages and do something positive in the end that ties together with what/who, they did morn. Hearing that psychology lecture made me even more understand how important it is to remember and work from a point of people being individuals (even though it’s good to have in mind what things are and how to spot them when they show up).

[@joleda56]

Megan Devine’s book is amazing- it’s ok you’re not ok! Grieving is only love we can’t give to someone” Grief is a love with no where to go”

[@katypiette3581]

Grief is such a tricky b*tch and everyone grieves differently and has a unique relationship to the being they lost. I definitely agree that traumatic loss is especially hard. My newlywed husband died in a horrific accident and I lived in denial for SO long. Almost 10 years later I am still in therapy and think I always will be. Cool with me. I love my therapist and truly wouldn’t be here without her. What I have learned is that grief never truly goes away (how could it when you still live the person you lost) but you learn to live with grief and learn how to live without that person. I still love and miss and get super emotional talking and thinking about my late husband and I am engaged and having a wonderful relationship with my beloved and am over the moon in love. Life is both the joy and the grief living side by side with each other and learning how to live with both. Now, I can see the beauty and n my grief even though it’s still so painful, but oh my, how beautiful it is to know how deep and loving my being is for another.

[@lilafeldman8630]

I think that the Prolonged Grief diagnosis is a good description of what it looks like to get stuck, like maybe after 10 years and a person is still "stuck." But 6 months? 1 year? That's barely enough time to come out of the initial shock, especially for a traumatic death.

[@MindfulLivingSpace]

Hi, Kati I really appreciate your video; it's very informative. Thank you.

[@amarvelousgeek222]

My mom died two years ago. I feel like recognizing the "stages" helped me, but I agree people are wrong in how they apply them. Because they aren't actually stages. To me they felt more like notes on a keyboard that my brain would pluck at random. Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining, Anger Depression, Denial, Anger, Denial, Bargaining.... etc. And remembering these were common experiences helped me to allow myself to feel them. It was validating. And to me, "Acceptance" meant the acceptance of my new normal, acceptance of the new life I had to build from the wreckage that grief left me with. It's not "accept it and move on," for me it was "accept that things have changed and move forward knowing your life will never be what you imagined."

[@leonievh1223]

I lost someone how was close to me when I was 15 I blame my self for her death I still do evry time I see a foto of her or someone talking about her that self blame feeling is right back

[@suehowie152]

Kubler- Ross's stages of grief was built on her research into what people given a terminal diagnosis went through. Somehow that work was expanded to include all grief.

[@lindawolffkashmir2768]

The numbness can be so misunderstood by others. They might wonder, “why is he/she not crying?” “do they not care if this person is gone?” And some even begin to resent the person because they misinterpret numbness as apathy towards the deceased person. Some people feel too vulnerable expressing deep emotions in grief, and retreat to a safe space within themselves to weather it out. You’ll recognize some of these signs if you pay close attention to the person. They’ll tend to stay around home more, they will do things to distract themselves from having to think about it, they may let things around them stay unattended, while trying to pull their lives together. They may also find something to immerse themselves in as a coping mechanism. It’s always wise to remember that everyone handles grief differently, just because they are not grieving the way you feel they should be grieving does not mean they don’t deeply feel the loss, they are just expressing it the way they feel most comfortable.

[@mikim.1518]

My father was an alcoholic, so it was difficult between us and he was very sick for the last couple of years. I have already lived in a different country with my wife (it was necessary). I have tried to visit him in the nursing home, but on the rare occasions I simply could not talk with him about anything. He asked about grandchildren, but it wasn`t the time yet. Along came COVID, and he passed. It was just after his death when I was able to truly forgive him. A part of me still wishes he lived just a little longer, because little more then a year later he could have met his granddaughter. But life is (mostly) good now. What helps me "moving on" is the fact, that a part of is still in me and my daughter and I can always try to avoid his mistakes. Sorry for the novel!

[@babycakes8434]

I had a grief for many months after someone totalled my car. I also grief that I was a scape goat growing up, and that it messed up my adulthood, and that I still lack a lot of life skills that I should have, but I don't.

[@jacobmckee8593]

Absolutely, I grieved in a way that wasn't like the stages. I also know that you can grieve about things that aren't death it's great that you talk about that. I am grieving about my dad who died suddenly about his death right now. I'm focused on the circumstances of my dad's death. It was so sudden and unexpected. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who has lost their dad young I'm 29.

[@mickiejonesy1712]

Thank you for this. My sister Chrissy was murdered by her estranged husband on March 9,2020. The grief is sometimes pretty raw and I hate the grief. Felt as though I should be over it. I have lost one heck of a lot of people.but this grief is a completely different entity. I have even known friends murders. My friend when I was fourteen. I lost my granddaughter in 2009 when she was 8 1/2 days old and that was hard! But Chrissy, my baby sister, it's much more difficult. I lost my father in 2021 and that grief was there but different. There's so many facets to it. Her children and their grief, my autistic sister, my own children. It doesn't hurt nearly as bad but some days...oh my! My other sister and I talk about it. It's different from any grief I have known. Thank you for giving permission to grieve! Pushing the grief down, not healthy. They should realize with these diagnoses that we all grieve differently because of our personal history or the circumstances. I don't like the labels. It's then in a nice neat package and that isn't always fair either. So thank you Kati!💞💞💞💞

[@Fer-De-Lance]

In 2021, I lost my best friend ever. At his viewing the first thing I said to him was: thank you and I love you. I had not said the last part in a very long time. A few months later my terminally ill mother died. Her behavior towards me had improved over the last few years but it had broken down long before then. When she died, I was angry. Not at her death but because I did not say to her all of the things (mostly negative about her) to her before she passed. My therapist said that it was kind of me to do so. But my mother kicked me when I was down. Perhaps I am better than her for not doing the same.

[@stoffls]

Spot on, Kati. For me, the strongest grief is when the loss is unexpected. Like it was with my mom 8 years ago or last year with our dog, who just fell asleep, with no prior sign that he was terminally ill. And the stages I think are pretty much misunderstood, I do think they exist, but not in any particular order and there is no resolve with acceptance. I accepted my moms death right away - after all I was holding her hand when she passed and I was the last one in the family to leave the improvised wake in the hospital. So I was the last one who saw her. But this did not diminish any grief, it took me several months until I was able to function fully again. Tough times! And yes, it felt bad, that most others moved one quickly. But once I was over the worst grief, I accepted that, I had a small but very valuable support group. There are also other things I grief in my life. Your video made me realize, that I probably grief that I have such a complicated relationship with my father. But you gave me a way I can work with this, thank you!

[@dawngavin3765]

6 yrs since my son was alienated by narc ex. Its like hes dead but not. He was 17. Now a man w MH issues of his own. I carry this w me praying for a safe reconciliation. Its horrible. Ive lost my dreams n bucket list as im gettin older. Defining moment that changed my outlook on life. Betrayal n abandonment at its finest.

[@user-ii1ip3py1t]

I love how authenic you are!

[@80sbrunnette]

I also want to say that the grieving stages doesn’t only happen when losing a loved one. It’s currently happening to me when someone with higher power takes your identity away. It’s an identity that’s been part of my life for years and now it’s just gone. I’ve been jumping back and forth with the all the stages but I can’t get out of the anger stage.

[@roorooadventures4771]

thank you kati😊 you are right each person is specual and have diffrent needs for that persons style to there own healing journey.

[@eledeog]

Thank you for saying it's normal for grief to last a long time!!! ❤ I hate how you mostly only get a year to grief and then you should move on and how everyone expects grief to go away. When I got the question: "When do you expect you will be over it?" my immediate answer was: never and I still stand by it. I will never get over the loss of my father, he was my father, he was there from before I was born. I didn't have a life before I met my father, how do you expect me to know how to live without him? A friend's loss is different, still never going to forget her, but I did have a live before I knew her, I know how to live without her, still miss her from time to time, but it's not as big as the grief for my father. I just don't understand how people expect you to 'get over' someone you were really close to in a year, let alone 6 months?? Maybe that can apply to someone you were less close to, but not to a parent, sibling, partner, child or even a very close friend. I also shed some tears when you talked about the friend who chechked in after a few months because she knew that people forget, that is indeed the kind of people you need in those times, bless her (and your mom and you too). 🫂🫂

[@erikal1593]

I was diagnosed with complicated grief 😞 was before COVID and was doing well with my therapist until COVID through a wrench. I worked so much that I avoided accepting it and it destroyed me

[@Monipenny1000]

I still grieve the loss of my stepbrother who died by suicide about 43 years ago. He was 16, I was 13. Due to the intense religious brainwashing growing up, I didn't grieve his death until almost 13 years ago because 'he was burning in hell'. I could not bare the thought of him without the image of him buring in hellfire. That prevented me from going through the greiving process for so many years, that and the fact that I and my other siblings were prevented from going to his funeral, no goodbyes, no parental support, no compassion, nothing. It was brutal and I am still grieved over it. I suffered a lot in my life but David's death was the hardest for me to cope with.

[@sergiohs391]

Your best video! Period!

[@noura008]

you don’t have to apologize about sharing how you feel! you’re human to, you have your own struggles it’s ok!!

[@alrightsky]

Grief is so weird. I spent most of the teenage years and 20s to grieve the childhood/parents I never had. And that took up most, if not all, of my focus, which now leaves me in my 30s, finally discovering myself and who I am. I lost my sister last year to an (accidental?) overdose, and strangely I'm dealing with it fairly well. I think. I don't have any expectations on myself, but looking at how my family members were unable to do anything for so long, I felt very guilty for being able to go on with my life somewhat normally. I was basically a parent to my sister as our mother was anything but, but somehow I've also accepted her death much "easier" than I ever would have guessed I would. It almost makes me feel as though I'm not doing it properly and for a moment I questioned if I even cared as much as I say I do. or did. I've come to realize, I think, that there's no right or wrong answer to how to grieve and just because you might be able to "get back to normal" faster than others, doesn't mean anything, really. Even now, just a year and some months later, it hits me randomly sometimes and those days are just HARD. But, I've come to trust myself with that I'll get through it and tomorrow is another day. In a way I think that grieving my lack of stability, normal childhood and parents showing up for you, upped my resilience quite a lot and thus it has helped me with this, too. I don't know. And frankly it doesn't matter as long as I know I'm okay and it'll be fine. I guess. We're all different and that's okay. That's something I'm struggling to accept sometimes (when I'm tired or otherwise have low resilience), strangely. Rant over. :')

[@wrongname2702]

Prolonged grief disorder is a crappy way to say it. I think the new researchers are fighting for it to be changed to complicated grief disorder or complex grief disorder instead of prolonged. Because it's so much more than a time limit. It's how it affects us in our daily lives. I love your content thank you for making these educational videos!