The Toaster War | HFY | A Short Sci-Fi Story

I'm pleased to announce that a new author is joining the channel. he has a vast catalog of works that I'm sure you're going to love.
This story was granted permission by reddit author u/yousureimnotarobot to me to narrate and add to this KZbin channel.
Original Story: / the_toaster_war
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#scifi #hfy #scifistories1977

[@brianmeadows1137]

Captain: Oh dear, we lost a diplomat Crew member: Should we search for them, Sir Captain: No, we might interfere with the diplomat's negoctiations with the Vacuum of space.

[@SirMarshalHaig]

Also he was born to it or what were his words?

[@SephirothRyu]

Maxim 8 of the 70 maxims: "Mockery and derision have their place. Usually, it's on the far side of the airlock." Incidentally, I recommend that webcomic (Schlock Mercenary) to anyone who likes HFY. One aspect of the setting is that some alien races are actually annoyed at humans after the English Language basically colonized a rather large number of planets in the galaxy (this was probably to get around needing translator devices much and being able to have stories where sometimes there is a language barrier, but its still cool). Also, at least at the start of the series, humans do have one of the strongest fleets in the galaxy aside from basically some very angry koala bears.

[@LibraritheWizardOfficial]

​@@SephirothRyu Hell yeah, Schlock Mercenary mentioned. 😎 I grew up in the same town as Howard Tayler. I got my copies of the comic signed at a comic con, along with a Captain Tagon doodle. My favorite maxim has always been 11: "Everything is air-droppable at least once."

[@brianmeadows1137]

@@SirMarshalHaig True forgot about that, thanks.

[@DeathclawJedi]

Some of you may know this quote.... "A toaster is just a death ray with a smaller power supply"

[@FullchanAnon]

Just as much as a pot of boiling water is an underperforming nuclear power plant lol

[@blockhead5124]

@@FullchanAnonI mean, you’re not wrong

[@DeezNuts-kl2te]

Fuck it we're going MACROWAVE

[@Williamglasser-k9w]

Walkout through the fallout baby

[@philippesoares1745]

Sound like some Adeptus Mechanicus bull crap.....

[@yronanox7144]

"here's your stolen toaster, perhaps you wanna build a fleet from that" cold ass line

[@SirLanceQuiteABit]

That line actually made me choke on my coffee. Absolutely savage

[@leyrua]

"a predator is primitive but it will eat your face if you aren't careful" I love this quote.

[@bagel5833]

"Rudely interrupted by victory" goes hard.

[@BearsTrains]

It is a great line

[@TheGuardDuck]

"Aw dammit, I have to cease fire!"

[@Shatterverse]

NGL I couldn't breathe for a minute there lol

[@oliverkim6610]

It really does

[@robertsinclair]

Best line I've heard in while, great story

[@prestonjones1653]

"WHAT IS THAT THING?!" "That's the result of giving a Florida man a lab coat and a bottomless defense budget and telling him to make the scariest thing with wings since the Cretaceous period."

[@geraldfrost4710]

Yep. We build monster trucks for fun. Is your bunker is 30 meters below your desert sand? We build the MOAB, spinning like a giant drill. (From military request to dropping was less than a month; the explosive payload had not yet fully cooled.) Hard to hit dam? A drum of explosives backspinning and skipping across the lake surface. Centripetal force drives it down the inside face of the dam. Give Florida Man a budget and explosives, and stand well back.

[@williamembly3635]

Thats a great call out to the TFE

[@noneofyourbuisness1679]

"The scariest thing since the Cretaceous period" made him spit out my drink XD

[@brianmeadows1137]

Once the Meth Lab was built florida man truely come up with strange shit.

[@henrywilson2136]

The Tech Priests are on their way. Straight from Mars itself. Emperor have mercy.

[@CDWCAULDRON]

the Machine spirit has a message for you, the broken things want to surrender. Should we fire any way ? 😈Tech Priests ready the USS Vangard

[@henrywilson2136]

@@CDWCAULDRON You dare threaten a custodian? Ha! Wait until the Captain General hears of this.

[@CDWCAULDRON]

@@henrywilson2136 Machine spirit Craves your Blood and by the Emperor the ship gets what it wants even the Fuzzy dice!

[@henrywilson2136]

@@CDWCAULDRON This isn't the fucking tabletop.

[@philippesoares1745]

pretty sure the toaster shaggers are absolutely griding their gears.....

[@darrennew8211]

"She hated the mags. Fine. Let someone else hate them more."

[@solidsteel3634]

"i can't even surrender" had me dying🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@asicXpert]

"Weaponised crazy" is even better

[@solidsteel3634]

@@asicXpert but there is truth behind it 😆

[@Sol-bane_of_corruption]

That whole thing was absolutely golden to me

[@solidsteel3634]

@@Sol-bane_of_corruptionAbsolutely. I choked on my coffee because I was laughing 🤣

[@ArgonianSkaleel]

they can still learn a lesson from the French

[@Gr3Nd3LsBan3]

2 great lines 1) Admiral Tei was giving orders to deploy the Marines when victory interrupted. Thanks my computer loves coffee judging by the light smoking. 2) Couldn't be found nor looked for. Yep, a new computer and thorough flushing of my sinus cavities are called for.

[@mattbrown5511]

I hope you drink your coffee at the same temperature as I do.

[@RetiredRadioChaser]

OK, The Toaster War title brought me in. Now I want to hear about how warriors of the future, were launching toast at each other from pop up toasters! This better be good!

[@ahuzel]

i expected something like the bucket war, but this was so good nonetheless

[@mikehenrys]

"His body was never recovered, or even looked, for". That last line was the best, in the whole story.

[@Cyruss_6717]

"How to weaponize a Toaster..." I already love this story. Hahaha that is truly the question mankind needs to solve. Need that one on a shirt.😂

[@blueeyeswhitedragon9839]

It has been said that humans can make a weapon from anything ! 😅

[@DeathclawJedi]

@@blueeyeswhitedragon9839 Even the floor 😉

[@ehsnils]

I'll toast to that!

[@K4rm4ness]

I like the statement, “they have weaponized crazy!”

[@target5350]

in one story humanity weaponize black holes

[@noneofyourbuisness1679]

"Sir! Councilman Loope was sucked out of the airlock!" "And nothing of value was lost."

[@CHRF-55457]

🤣 Must have been hated.

[@DavidBernad-e3m]

You mustn't fear who has the biggest club, but the crazy and the boldest.

[@RealEnerjak]

Sure it matters who's got the biggest club but it matters a whole helluva lot more who's swinging it. General Shepherd - Modern Warfare 2

[@K4rm4ness]

“An unfortunate airlock accident” 😂😂😂 This equates to walking the plank in space.

[@chrisdastrubble341]

It's the space equivalent of having your political enemy "fall out of a skyscraper window in a tragic accident". The worst part is that the Councilman will be alive for multiple minutes in the vacuum of space, before dying from exposure and lack of oxygen.

[@paulholmpileborg6340]

​@@chrisdastrubble341I think the parts where your lungs or whatever breathing organ aliens have is forced out your body due to pressurization issues and your body and blood crystalizes is the worse part

[@prestonjones1653]

​@@chrisdastrubble341 Most species we know of would explode almost instantly.

[@iamcurious9541]

​@@chrisdastrubble341 Alive for around 2 minutes, yes. But from available research, humans seem to loose consciousness after 9-12 second in a vacuum. It's a bit worse than yust holding your breath because the air gets sucked out of you

[@inserttaken_name1762]

my mans got defenestrated in the worst posible place

[@davecrupel2817]

"Your ancestors were uplifted. Ours were not. We got out here on our own, and we will *not* be pushed back!!" Dude that made my heart flutter with pride. 🤗🤗🤗🤗

[@Erin-Thor]

Reminds me of our current political climate, LOL!

[@ShadowcatAlfa]

"was rudely interruptly by victory" was hillarious

[@randomaccount-dq1jq]

So basically we end up making space weapons at The British standards of "how can we weaponise a kettle?" 😂

[@AntiKira20]

The Adeptus Mechanicus wants to know the location of the toasters.

[@mariomachadofilho]

Hail the Omnissiah!

[@mitchmullins8486]

The kitchen 😮

[@ireallyreallyhategoogle]

How dare that admiral relinquish the holy toaster to xenos.

[@DeezNuts-kl2te]

They are right here

[@chrisfrank4267]

Excellent reply

[@mikeloeven]

The Tech priests of Mars would be so happy to see humanity destroying an alien fleet with toaster drones

[@andrewbignell9342]

"Interrupted by victory" love that line.😂

[@chadrowin2956]

The best part: Admiral Tei was happily sending out the marine squads when she was rudely interrupted by victory. 🤣😂😆 Damned victory, ruins fun time for everyone.

[@bobbrown5460]

Well, at least he didn't fall out of a window onto some bullets

[@sparkeyjames]

Still better to have that happen that to get sucked out into space bulging eyes and pissing blood.

[@Kokuyous3ki]

One of the fun things these HFY sci-fi stories provide is the opportunity to analyze how my mind reacts to the story. As in within an obviously fantastic story we see the politicians making a mess and the soldiers needing to clean it up makes it so utterly "down to earth" that none of this feels like fiction :)

[@itsallspent]

Reminds of the story "The Little Indian" with W .C. Fields. The kid was so bad The kidnappers payed the dad $300 to take him back.

[@Questor-ky2fv]

I loved that story! 😂

[@kwood1614]

Idk why but when i heard toaster my mind went straight to Battle Star Galactica

[@jesseberg3271]

That speaks well of you. Mine went to the "What if the Emperor had a text-to-speech device" fan project for Warhammer 40k, where they have other ideas about toasters.

[@DeathclawJedi]

Mine went to the Old World blues DLC for Fallout New Vegas

[@markfergerson2145]

It wasn’t just you. I really like the story premise though, reverse engineering a random piece of *consumer grade* alien tech and extrapolating the tech base that allows it to exist. Think what aliens could learn from an Internet connected smart refrigerator or common cellphone.

[@GenStallion]

By your command

[@prestonjones1653]

Adeptus Mechanicus players have been SUMMONED

[@BatmanSeRiedeTi]

Shit! that was a damn good one!! "Perhaps your people would like to build a fleet from that", savage comeback!!!

[@tripodal69]

Being rudely interrupted by victory has me roaring.

[@tacpaws]

So our ships are A hostile navigation hazerd.. I giggled at that

[@Questor-ky2fv]

Makes me giggle, too!😂

[@Shadow.Dragon]

Great story! It's a shame that we still have airlock "accidents"! Oh Well! LOL!!!

[@samporter9729]

Space equivalent of 'she tripped and fell on her own shears.'

[@richardreid6377]

Loope tried to mutiny. I wonder which side spaced his fool tail.

[@norneaernourn8240]

I would love to see the faces of aliens when they realize we could weaponize a toothbrush (also known as a shank) if we put our minds to it.

[@CHRF-55457]

Or turn it into a crossbow

[@Questor-ky2fv]

Yeah, and that's just the plain ordinary garden variety of toothbrush! Imagine what our engineers could do with an electric one!😂

[@omegafalconoriginal]

Just like a bathtub everyone knows that using a toaster in an airlock is bad idea😅

[@cristiserban681]

The moment I read "toaster", I thought of the Adeptus Mechanicus

[@zinithin-8208]

5’ 2” of pure warrior

[@58Kym]

This is a much better story than most. Instead of being filled with big words for big words sake and recounting of useless facts, it is actually a story with some humor.

[@StrangeTerror]

Wonder if anybody's realized the Marines were all small accept one to send a message. We're trying to be non threatening, but here's how big we can be.

[@williamfleming7558]

This is by far my favorite “plucky underdog humans kick alien ass” story. I have listened to it twice now.

[@MicrowavedT0ASTT]

I love the concept of using drone swarms with multiple control ships and a few resupply ships

[@FallenDante00x]

I just died and came back from laughing so hard on both sides😂

[@grejen711]

...airlock accident... LOLs OMG that was fun.

[@deehvi1608]

You shall fear the might of The Toasted

[@RequiemPoete]

Behold our ultimate vessel! The Four Slice!

[@KennethMulmat]

Another short story that is wonderful. The author has a great sense of humor. Another saved one. Keep them coming.

[@triplejjj6633]

Unfortunate airlock "accident " 😆 🤣 😂

[@cielvalentine016]

Toaster... Like microwave, radioactive,death ray Just like you boil water with extra steps and it's called Nuclear powerplant

[@grandparedpill2695]

He was sending out the Marines when he was so rudely interrupted by surrender. Lol

[@calumcookson740]

Those airlocks, for something so critical to ship integrity they seem to 'malfunction' quite a bit

[@skoshman1]

It was a mutiny. Operating them with non-qualified personnel doing an illegal action resulting in a 'non-warranty event'. Please refer to the owner's manual.

[@KuDastardly]

Well, this is what happens when you install a rampant A.I. like Durandal onboard your ship, lol.

[@yousureimnotarobot]

the writer here: lol..haha hahahahahahhah...@@skoshman1

[@alexellerman7041]

The Omnissiah aproves this video

[@Kitsune10060]

probably the best one of these i've heard so far, due to the author remembering that Sci-fi can be funny some times to

[@Marcus-b2n]

That's the Kind of crazy shit I really Like . . . 😂

[@scotthouston9869]

"when he was rudely interrupted by victory"... 🤣🤣🤣

[@sandrosliske]

Don't you hate it when you're going for a high score but the game says you've already won.

[@prestonjones1653]

When you opt to not accept the victory in Total War and keep pelting the fleeing enemy with arrows.

[@CannonRanger1]

Niiiiiice! This is a story that needs to keep on. 👍

[@DeathclawJedi]

title for chapter 2 Toaster pastries Pop Tarts and Trade negotiations.

[@Brendan1259]

Now we need some short stories around this universe, I dub it the toaster tech verse

[@lar25000]

Awesome story! I hope there’s a sequel!

[@engsiongtan9461]

If we got actually got one of the alien toaster, the story would different. Alien captain: Who is cranking up the thermostat? Why are the lights turned to maximum brightness? Alien crewman: No idea sir. All the systems are now updating their software. Alien captain: That is impossible. We are out of Wifi range from any civilian router. Wait a minute. Don't tell me that ...... Human admiral: How do you the warm welcome your tech is giving you?

[@pierrelecaillou6966]

wow! this was great!

[@chopperchuck]

So arrogance and hubris go before a unfortunate airlock accident

[@trazyntheinfinite9895]

Rudely interrupted by Victory.

[@timhartherz5652]

"Weaponized crazy" soo the floridian tactic again?

[@Odd_Interaction]

Oh those poor puffed up aliens, they know not what they did……nor understand what they released upon the galaxy. Yet…..

[@prestonjones1653]

*throat singing in the distance*

[@sandralouth3103]

Don't piss off the humans.

[@nesapanjalingam704]

Thank you 💙💚❤️ for all your effort & the time you put in when uploading this. It is really truly appreciated 🙏

[@strangelyjamesly4078]

Most enjoyable.

[@VonSnootingham]

I was waiting for the reveal that Loope's kid was one of the kids who'd been bothering Earth and had been captured, and that was why he had such animosity. Really sink in that rich kid going to daddy to get him out of trouble narrative.

[@jamesfry8983]

Oh no they found talkie the talking toaster.

[@jimmyjohnjuan]

If there toosters and other appliances are anything like ours, we definitely hacked some of there systems.

[@LanternOfLiberty]

Even though my own military experience was as a 20th century 👴 ground pounder, I just know that unfortunate airlocks accidents cannot be good. 😂😂😂

[@ScorpiusZA.]

Flying Metal Boxes... Seem Humanity in this story is using the same ship architect as the Earth Alliance in Babylon 5

[@MonumentToSin]

"A bunch of lunatics that weaponized crazy"? Definitely the motto for the space marines! What was it that an old Soviet general once said about the American marines? Something about being unpredictable because they are so fucking crazy that they [the Americans] don't even know what they are gonna do next xD

[@prestonjones1653]

I thought it was a German who said that?

[@stibh5456]

What a talent. Funny and exciting, great fun. I'm not too happy about choking on breakfast though, bloody toast.

[@timfielder9893]

Most excellent entertainment, thank you

[@zeehero7280]

Ah admiral Tei, a future napoleon!

[@jsh6952]

Napoleon was actually quite tall for his time and would be considered of average modern height for an European male

[@DeathclawJedi]

@@jsh6952Correct! I think he was around 5 foot 7 or 8 inches tall. His infamous shortness came from a propaganda cartoon to make fun of him in English newspapers.

[@prestonjones1653]

​@DeathclawJedi Well, that and the conversion of French inches to British/American ones. French inches were longer, so by French measures Napoléon WAS 5'2". The British papers opted not to convert the units.

[@DeathclawJedi]

@@prestonjones1653 interesting.... I did not know that.👍

[@Questor-ky2fv]

Thanks for this great story! Had to save this in both my humor and my drama folders. There were so many great lines in this story. Not surprised at the council member's unfortunate accident. People who become a serious liability tend to be prone to serious and often fatal accidents. He had also managed to make himself unpopular with his own space military personnel. I'm sure that they were much too busy repairing their damaged ships to look for him. Ships that wouldn't have been damaged if he had been a decent person. And let's not forget, had this been a real event, some of the crew would have been injured or killed because of him. I was very tired last night and fell asleep partway through the story. After I woke up, I decided to replay it instead of moving on to another story. Glad I did.😊 Now, if only someone would teach my tablet's onscreen keyboard, the difference between formal and informal conversion styles.🙄 Unfortunately, there is no way to select this in the Settings menu. I can turn off Suggestions and Autocorrect, but then I would lose their benefits. However, these benefits are definitely a mixed blessing.😂

[@KiithNaabal]

The adirmal was sending out the Marines when he was rudly Interrupted by victory....best line ever.

[@sowhats.6100]

One of the best Shorts, very well done! Thank you.

[@yousureimnotarobot]

You guys rock

[@solidsteel3634]

Your stories are always an absolute pleasure... Chapeu... 👏

[@nottius1026]

The Adeptus mechanicus demands 100000 toaster onaholes

[@kjohnson9306]

Hey, it could have been worse. The Council Member Loope could have accidentally cut off his head while shaving or something.

[@julesmasseffectmusic]

Isn't it Accidently brutally cut his head off whilst shaving

[@VintageNarwhal]

This was… AWESOME!

[@themarlboromandalorian]

Don't fuck with the Science Team.

[@Swali_B]

Splendid

[@brian-my7ym]

I surprisingly am fighting myself really getting into these stories. And I really got to say I enjoyed the interjection of humor in them at various points. The thought of some advanced alien species actually wondering WTF definitely put a smile on my face.

[@yomogami4561]

good story thanks

[@jackjohnson40]

This one was great!!!! 5💫

[@nulla8775]

That's a good story.👍

[@philliparanza491]

This one is a better story, good humor and action. Part2?

[@phyrath5]

"Weaponized crazy" Yep, that sounds like Human to me.

[@Billybob895]

Humanity is manifestily destined to rule the stars

[@chrisphillips2018]

Such a good story. Ties together Area 51, and other UFO research to put together a story.

[@SlimeBD2015]

THE GUTTED TOASTER SPILLING OUT LMAO THIS IS GOOOD

[@bessie1854]

This reminds me of the old Amazing Stories pulp science fiction magazines. Good Stuff.

[@khylerbane4523]

*happy techpriest noises*

[@nonombre7159]

Great story. I would love a follow on.

[@gusty7153]

i just like how there was no description to the terran ships outside them being big shiny boxes. at best scaled up versions of something smaller. like they were literally giant toasters. that was my visual, earth was flying literal giant space toasters

[@rood6422]

Gen 1s are almost always the ugliest, but we learm so much 😂

[@porcospino2128]

title reminded me of the Pig War between the US and Canada

[@darrelleaf]

Awesome story and funny

[@gemmel3197]

I really enjoyed this thank you.

[@blacklighthologram5339]

The toaster from fallout new vegas wrote this story.

[@vlkafenryka788]

So I waaaaaghed at him and he being a good sport waaaaaaghghed back in his humie way …. Credit vox in the void

[@sim6889-l9s]

We didn't send them Talkie the talking toaster did we?