The Top 4 Causes of Codependency

Title says it all, folks.
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[@mountainhobbit1971]

I grew up with both parents being emotionally unavailable so #3 hits home big time which definitely has had a big impact on my self-esteem and self-worth.

[@RyanBooker79]

Another brilliantly articulated video, Connor! 👌🏼

[@ManTalks]

Thank you, glad it hit home

[@woodsandwater644]

Dang I checked too many of those boxes 😂 😭

[@konstantingospodinov408]

same😭

[@nicktaber2969]

A real problem is if you've experienced trauma from the mental health industry, which is many, dare I say most kids who experience so-called "mental health treatment". Because it will be very hard to get any validation or recognition that it was abuse, and so your codependency will remain mysterious. That's part of why I've been making videos, writing, and tweeting about this.

[@yzma6142]

Wow this explains a lot about both of my exes. One was the peacemaker and one was neglected/has a history of abuse. The biggest issue was that the codependency became manipulation so quickly when they felt like they’re weren’t getting what they wanted from me. And my issue is that I’m generally avoidant. So it was a recipe for disaster 😭

[@likearollingstone007]

What could be interesting to look at from your point of view, is your patterns in terms of partners choices…why do you put yourself in this position ?

[@yzma6142]

@@likearollingstone007 thanks for this, I agree. I'm trying to figure it out. I think that i somewhat enjoyed being the centre of their worlds in the early stages.

[@likearollingstone007]

@@yzma6142 More will be revealed

[@seanmarshall2621]

Great stuff here! We've been talking about codependency in my men's group for the last three sessions. We've been digging into the book 'Codependent no more' and along with these videos of yours we've made some really powerful awakenings and awareness. Again, great job with these videos.

[@ariansamnejad]

Some parts of this episode gave me goosebumps because of how accurate the things you said were. Thank you for sharing these valuable videos. ❤️

[@ManTalks]

Glad to hear and thanks for tuning in!

[@Jpsaidit]

I’m definitely number 4, I’m 30 now but my mom suffers from diabetes and low blood sugar and since the age of like 13 or 14 I was the son that helped her maintain it, even til this very day, and now I’m in a very long term relationship where my needs have still fail to get met, I thought maybe it’s my fault for her not being able to meet these needs and maybe she needs a little push, but after hearing your explanation. It’s clear that I’m once again trying to caretake to fix something…

[@Jpsaidit]

Thank you so much man, this perspective never came to mind and you hit it on the bullseye with that. Thank you!

[@Koeppen1]

Not sure if you’ve read No More Mr Nice Guy! But it’s very closely related to what you’re speaking on behalf of. Unless you are quoting from the book, let others know about the book if so!

[@ManTalks]

You bet, Dr. Glover is a good friend and has been on the show a few times. His work is outstanding!

[@Dd94949]

Let's be clear that co-dependency is actually someone who prioritizes the needs of others to the extent that they lack a self-identity, which becomes a cycle where you never get to "know yourself" or explore your "boundaries" - ie the wife of the alcoholic husband who's primary mission is life is to rescue him - as you say, because she grew up with her need for safety existing "outside of her" (trying to control other people to feel safe - enmeshed - you and I are merged). Most people would say that this is an extreme form of anxious attachment - but most people would also say that most men are avoidant/dismissive. So, be aware that any form of "insecure attachment" is like a form of "codependency" - but what's key is the reason or meaning behind it (the "why"). The way men and women generally "show up" in relationships is very different - where women are more "relational/emotional" and men are more "practical/non-emotional" - this goes so far as to be governed by how our bodies and brains actually take in and encode information/sensation (meanings we make). Again, co-dependency is really just a made up word for extreme anxious/preoccupied attachment (aka nice guys). The preoccupied person's core fear is that people will "pull away/leave" them physically or emotionally - and they will do ANYTHING to keep you close, including "protest" (aka get angry and vengeful). So, while I agree that vigilance and caretaking are a big part of it - men and women caretake in very different ways (women by loving, men by working), so I wouldn't say that co-dependent is the right word. It also has a NEGATIVE frame - whereas, attachment theory has a positive frame ie. we adapted to our loved ones in the ways that kept us close (how we had to maintain "proximity" to care), and probably in very similar ways that they needed to adapt in their own childhood ie. intergenerational transmission of attachment patterns. Also, I disagree with what you said about sex. Again, from an attachment style (internal working model) persepctive, physical closeness makes a lot more "sense" to men than does emotional closeness - so while sex for men can also be an "achievement", what's likely going on underneath is that it is a form of "intimacy" - because they can't tolerate real emotional intimacy very well (because it was rarely modelled/offered to them as a child).

[@Photik]

Should check out the book "How Not to Die Alone" by Logan Ury.. Really breaks down attachment styles in relationships or how we view them in general in a different perspective.. Think she's the director at Hinge.

[@Ikaros23]

Attatchment styles don’t matter if it’s a codependent relationship with a narcissist/addict and a codependent. The book is mostly cooping/rationalisations. To state it blunthly: It’s not the attachment style that is the problem it’s the dysfunction of the narcissist and the codependent The codependent can change. But the narcissist 99,9% wont

[@michaelbutler1706]

What do you do if you’ve blocked childhood memories?

[@zkirk-tp3ik]

How does codependency relate to attachment style?

[@arich20]

Attachment 😂 its a thing

[@nyahhbinghi]

most "loving relationships".... even true love, becomes codependent...

[@ashalight1824]

There is such thing as interdependence

[@swoleavocado]

I have an iPhone 🫡