Bill Burr - Advice: Selfish Girl

/ themmpodcast and billburr.com/ . Email Bill at -- [e-mail]

[@wingnutmcspazatron3957]

"fuck knows, maybe dead." dahahaha

[@BassForever44]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA, PRICELESS!!!

[@t-man5196]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA, PRICELESS!!!

[@christiangoett3014]

that was GGREAAAT

[@QuickLern818]

LOL so good

[@njmenaceify]

"There's other fish in the sea, and they don't go across the sea, and say that they're coming back and then don't come back and then go over more seas and then go fuck some land fish" - William Burr

[@835Jamie]

"To fuck the Zulu Nation!" Holy shit, so funny.

[@Tatti12321]

835Jamie Scrolled down to quote this. Nearly burst out laughing in the middle of my office.

[@wingnutmcspazatron3957]

+835Jamie dahahahhaha

[@MrQynchou]

"maybe dead" LMFAO

[@63Baggies]

Qynchou Absolutely CLASSIC....

[@chadwickneumann2773]

That was great. Bill has a great laugh. His laugh makes me laugh

[@SugaryCoyote]

Worst case of blue balls in history

[@playerhateroftheyear1084]

Three years that's insane

[@ianmccullough5910]

Bill Burr should have his own show where instead of emails. These people call in and he answers them live! But it has to be on HBO or something so it's not censored!

[@Askarcher]

Ian McCullough lol you think HBO is not censored?

[@lucasdiniz2144]

yeah just look a bill maher

[@theguywhoisaustralian1465]

SharpNo2Pencil it's a lot less censored than other networks.

[@shreddman8704]

You're allowed to say, "fuck." That's his point.

[@J-dl3ey]

a live stream would work

[@peteranon8455]

This guy learned Spanish to speak to her parents. The guy's a champ, and she's obviously just stringing whatever this is along.

[@montinyek6554]

Peter Anon lol i learned 2 languages once for a girl

[@Ruukas9]

Wow. That is pussy power.

[@ilovedrums1000]

@@montinyek6554 jesus dude what happened I want some details

[@montinyek6554]

pashtin absolutely nothing. Total friendzone. I also drew her portrait. But it all paid off when i met this new girl and impressed her with these skills lol. It's going well so far

[@montinyek6554]

Scratch that, didn't pay off for shit, friendzone again

[@stevecarey2030]

When my college girlfriend decided to travel to Australia with her friend for four months I broke up with her and said we'd just reevaluate things when she got back. I wasn't pissed or anything. Honestly I hoped she would have a great time. But she was a cute blondie and I knew she'd be meeting horny guys the whole time and be tempted to hook up with them. So since we were broken up she could do it guilt free. And I was free to date other girls which I did. We never did get back together but I don't have any bad feelings about her and I'm sure the feeling is the same on her side. This dude should have done the same thing. Then he could get back together with her now if he wanted to without feeling like an idiot. But I guess since he dated her for 3 1/2 years before having sex then he was just too heavily invested. The moral: Don't wait 3 1/2 years to have sex with your girlfriend. Come on.

[@ablebodied175]

That's a smart move. Never have heard of a good LDR.

[@taylormcgill6643]

Well played

[@williamgrand9724]

"She might be the one" lmfao...

[@nameisakam758]

William Grand That matches your profile picture so well

[@kylecoucke943]

CombMaHairBitch i do know one thing though, bitches they come they go

[@Zooman0001]

Damn Bill, the whole Zulu nation huh?

[@WhaleofDreams]

“Fuck knows, maybe dead.” HAHAHAHAHAAA LOL

[@freemason4979]

"Fuck knows, maybe dead", pure gold

[@VonDiesel-cb2zx]

I am sitting at home bc I pulled a muscle really badly in my side & back. It hurts when I move, when I breathe, and it hurts REALLY badly if I cough or laugh. I had to turn this shit off after the whole thing "Then she swims to Africa and fucks some land fish". That shit was too funny, and I got to coughing hard and the pulled muscle popped, and now I'm in 10x more pain. I'm not complaining, I'm just saying that's how funny Bill Burr is, I literally busted something.

[@theMondayMorningPodcastClips]

Damn dude! Hahaha! Hope you get better soon.

[@TheVonzilla]

+MMPC I'm ok now. It still hurts but fully mobile, just gotta watch what I lift for the time being. I appreciate it. Thanks for posting this. I don't listen to the podcast, probably bc I watched his videos where he took the viewer around Boston or LA. and he started wearing on my nerves, & I thought it'd be that way on his podcast too. But everything I've heard has been great. Maybe I was just pissy that day, or just listened to too much.

[@muham8]

"Charles M. Schulz was trying to say a cunt, is a cunt, is a cunt" That may be one of the greatest quotes ever.

[@michaelburgarino]

3 and a half years!!!!!!!!

[@rey_nemaattori]

LAY-DEEEHS, if a guy learns your language just to speak with, of all people, his fucking parents-in-law, he's a keeper. That level of determination and loyalty is hard to come by, there's nothing in the world he will not do or at least try, to make it work.

[@Rodrigoangel123]

"She's like a sailor, she's got a different dick in every port" I laughed so harddd

[@elirien4264]

Tell her, in Spanish, not to let door hit her on the way out.

[@jorgefarias8749]

Christine Colley 🤣

[@joenichols3901]

No dejes que la Puerta te golpee al salir

[@dparis2172]

@@joenichols3901 Gracias.

[@ae7838]

"Fuck knows, maybe dead" Baaaahahha almost did a spit take at work on my computer..

[@chrisneto]

every time he does the "oh jezuz" i crack up.

[@seeker_-_]

Same 😂😂😂

[@supastar25]

Love the way he trails off when he says "Ladyyy!". Bill's hilarious

[@joeyfaoro6308]

I love how everyone gives advice in the comments

[@odinsplaygrounds]

Group therapy.

[@ls033189]

I never looked at Charlie Brown so deeply before!

[@kirbyaugustine761]

Never make someone a priority that treats you like an option. He should've told her until they're together they have an open relationship. She either accepts the terms or not.

[@rang3r34]

Sounds like my ex gf....She cheats, disrespects me and screws me over royally ans everyone thinks SHE is the victim...

[@cheapskate9487]

God damn what happened to her?

[@cheapskate9487]

With*

[@jc.1191]

@@cheapskate9487 That's a narcissist. They manipulate the dialogue to people. Beware.

[@nickchemist723]

And you allowed it to happen for how long ?

[@rogerloves4025]

A round of applause for this man...

[@muskokamike127]

I know this vid is 8 yrs old but the drive to the airport jab reminded me of my last gf. She refused to go on a trip with me. Even refused to go away for a weekend cabin retreat. So one day she asks me "would you drive me to the airport"? Ummm what for? I'm talking to _____ (One of her gf's) about going to Cuba for a week. I said sure, I'll drive you to the airport, but that will be the last time you ever see MY face. WHA WHA WHAT? WHY? You know why, but but but but nothing toots. The thing is? The airport is TWO AND A HALF HOURS AWAY so if I drove her, it'd be 5 hrs round trip. The kicker is? There's a shuttle that leaves from here that is $50 round trip.

[@aslamtaq555]

Raw shit but real shit.

[@supermetroid009]

"she fucked the zulu nation" i got tears lmfao.

[@PlutoTheGod]

No sex for 3 years yet he learns a whole language lmfao

[@matthewsosteezy5904]

“Ohhh jeezjusss” lmaooo 😂

[@donzaloog1400]

Bill is fucking hilarious. And so right.

[@mr.theodore6489]

"Coming back to town like a fuckin sailor." Bill Burr is the hilarious truth.

[@spiderjump]

Just block her on FB.

[@zagear]

The second I heard 3 1/2 years without sex I was like damn this girl probably used this "nice" guy for dates, dinners, gifts, and all kinds of shit. Then has the nerve to make him wait another 2 years. No way would I stick around some selfish girl like that. To be completely honest he has no one to blame but himself. Everyone knows "nice" guys always finish last, always, anyone who says otherwise is the "nice" guy. Nice being a synonym for whipped in this case.

[@zagear]

How is proposing to a woman that is using you a logical conclusion? Do you mean to see if she breaks up with you after you propose to her or is it to get her to sleep with you? Proposing to this type of woman is never the correct move and nowhere close to being the correct move in that situation.

[@christiangoett3014]

Na... If giving a broad a ring doesn't get you laid, nothing will. I was just trying to joke on that dude is all. Getting thrown into the friend zone by a LADY who is supposed to be your girl is bad, but for 3.5 years! That is inexcusable. Have a good day and go fuck yourself. Lol

[@zagear]

+Christian Goett You're more of a simp than the guy in the story. You're telling me you think proposing and giving expensive jewelry to a woman who has been holding out on sex while receiving countless other gifts and dates is okay? Hahaha. If anyone has ever needed the red pill it is you there buddy.

[@christiangoett3014]

It was a joke... He is obviously a whipped mangina who was put into the FZ and wasn't told about. The big joke was that it took like 1500 days for this clown to ask for advise. Get it?

[@zagear]

+Christian Goett I'm still not sure that you "get it" but I will take your word for it and take it as a joke.

[@dehonation201]

“To fuck the Zulu nation” 😂😂

[@RashtaEinthisB]

1:58 GEEEEEEEZ LMAOOOOOO

[@Ragnarok6664]

Ffs 3 years without sex? Thats some warped dedication

[@irishcountrygirl78]

"she's like some fuckin sailor" 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@WillConley]

Bill Burr for President.

[@ImBoredAsHell21]

He's not pouting, he's asking Bill for advice.

[@marioandwes]

'emails on Facebook' lmaooo

[@rafaguimaandrade]

"...to fuck the zulu nation!" AHAHAHAHAH... xD

[@dparis2172]

This and "Fuck you and everything you do" are my favorite Bill Burr bits.

[@VarunKumar2201]

"Fish and Sea" analogy though 🤣🤣

[@Lee-uz1tz]

Goddamn landfish!

[@codythompson759]

That was great

[@go-awayyy123]

"fuck some land-fish" my sides

[@flapjack6495]

"fucked the Zulu nation" LMFAO holy shit

[@williamgrand9724]

Joe Rogan, Bill burr, and a bunch of other comedians need a show together, preferably not on TV because i don't watch TV anymore.

[@KhemistryIBMOR]

That was a good one.

[@nanayawberko3212]

'To fuck the Zulu nation' 😂😂😂😂😂

[@DamjanManevski]

"Her e-mails on Facebook". Oh Billy

[@H2O1608]

She went to fuck the Zulu nation ! I’m dead laughing

[@lakelizzard9089]

Land fish killed me

[@jorrillabear]

Zulu nation!

[@appiahallan]

Wakanda enjoyed her visit

[@landonic81]

I'm dead

[@kal-el_fan7422]

"Land fish".............fucking brilliant.

[@djhectorb1]

I agree. Give bill burr a show

[@sirriffsalot4158]

"To fuck the Zulu-nation" lol

[@rang3r34]

You are correct.....

[@UserName-cq3ot]

If people doesn't believe you, stop explaining. They will never truly believe you and you'll get in fights with them over it.

[@Tropyy]

that’s how im treating every ex that people ask about. hey have you heard from your ex? fuck knows, maybe dead

[@gunsage]

We learn so much from Charlie Brown.

Zulu nation hahaha

[@suigeneris2843]

Zulu nation is wild

[@jkd4444]

give Bill Burr a show . . with all these womens shows out there that rag on men like the view and the talk we need a bill burr show for men.

[@TheDemy8]

3:18 Guys what Chris Rock bit he was talking about ?

[@OkOk-vj9db]

NonOf UrBusiness It's in "Bring the Pain."

[@FinFunnel68]

Bill Burr reminds me of the real life version of Freakazoid. 'Oh pretty laddiiiiiiii'

[@666lawnmower]

That's exactly how it be

[@JonAdamich]

Alen, there was a show like that. It was called Tough Crowd.

[@FedUpAmerican01]

I don't think you can trust this girl. No way!

[@miniruck]

OOOOH JEEEEZUSH

[@BlindMansEye]

yea, that girl didn't care. my mom was offered a scholarship to get her science PhD in paris, france and she said "thank you, but I cant accept because i'm getting married very soon [to my dad]." her prof then got her an extra scholarship for my dad so he can go too! LOL. if she cared about the guy, she should've said "no" when they wanted her to stay an extra year, period.

[@bingbashbosh1]

Leave her. If she isn't hanging around for you why are you hanging around for her?

[@smileyattitude6807]

Hilarious!!

[@HoratioWalls]

Here in June 2019 🎉 Yeah screw that relationshit 💩

[@matthewbradley4348]

3 years and no sex fuck that!

[@elilevine2410]

Shit bill you earned this thumbs up!

[@Qurulla]

Follow up available?

[@PrivateAckbar]

"I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability"

[@joil6649]

Jake one of my favourite quotes.

[@Torgo1969]

Land fish? LOL.

[@radioheadnyc]

charlie brown bit is so true

[@m_winewood]

This dude must me a God. Learned fluent spanish AND put up with not fucking for 3.5 years. Jesus Christ.

[@warlock253]

word me 2!

[@TheChainreaction11]

Eyyy this guy knows Spanish I bet plenty of beautiful latinas would be totally attracted to that, I'm actually jealous, learning a 2nd language is hard

[@eddienash2152]

She's like some fucken sailor!

[@Dorout]

you couldn't put that in the newspaper

[@sjplee722]

lol

[@ericsigginssr]

I wouldn't have waited 3 days

[@urgandma]

Bill, you are a fucking god

[@mistax2k]

CHARLES M SHULTZ! TRUTH TO POWER, WORD IS BOND

[@FreestyleKendo]

wtf, why the fuck isn't a show like "The View" just like however many great comedians just get together and talk about whatever the fuck is going on int he world. they dont even need to do it in a studio. they should all fucking skype each other, even on there phones once a month. talk about whatever the fuck, and talk about whatever the fuck. god damn, i don't think there would be anything better out there then that. have bill burr or louie ck host it.

[@Pumbear]

ooooooooooh jejsus

[@F8sassassin]

It's not just Bill Burr that needs a show. There's A LOT of good content out there on youtube, but that is not enough exposure. Maybe we ought to start a magazine for men's issues? Young men need to be armed with knowledge to fight back against the tricks and games women play.

[@kleshayer3751]

F8sassassin bro idk shit I’m tryna learn you got any resources for me or are you knowledgeable your self

[@malithranathunga6801]

"emails on Facebook"

[@JohnnyTightlips01]

THREE AND A HALF YEARS!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

[@ItsKunzy]

Girl was using you bruh

[@CA-ui1vc]

Super late, but... still wanted to mention "Got an offer to teach English in Japan" is such complete bullshit. You literally have to apply and fight through a bunch of other applicants to get A CHANCE to go to Japan. This includes a 2 hour interview with a bunch of ridiculous questions about what you would do if you ever were in this or that situation. After that you have to pass a physical health exam, which includes a pap-smear for women for some dumb reason. Japan assignments are not handed out or "offered" unless you fought for it. Asked to do another year in Africa. That's actually true because for them its a hassle to find someone else and go through the motions of all the paperwork and the rest of the process

[@oqwazyme4616]

She may have not been ready to settle down yet and needed to see the world. Did she put you on hold in favor of her own pursuits ? Yes ! And maybe she has been shamed into thinking premarital sex is bad, by her parents. I dont know for sure, but now she is realizing how much she had with you after seeing so many douche bags overseas, trying to get her pants down. Now if she was telling you no sex and then getting it somewhere else..dump her !! Only you know the true answers to these questions.

[@xBlindFerretx]

Anyone know the Chris Rock bit he's talking about? Just reminds me of Eddie Murphy.

[@sgtibz301]

+xBlindFerretx it's from "Bring the Pain", I believe he talked about women lying how many men they slept with and instead tell you how many boyfriends they have had.

[@Netherwolf6100]

+Sgt Ibz Bingo.