Bill Burr - Advice: Size Issues

/ themmpodcast and billburr.com/ and www.allthingscomedy.com/ . Email Bill at -- [e-mail]

[@thomassaucier3677]

My girl said deeper and I was like that's all folks

[@hasanmir]

Wait, what? I don't get it? You left her because she said 'deeper'?

[@Kamelot.Gravel0s]

He means that's all the dick he has to offer, folks

[@Cheers_Motherfucker]

If she says deeper.. I say tighter

[@victorledezma6652]

lmfao

[@jackolini]

If you tell me to "go deeper" and my pelvis already touching you...U just rude as hell! You know good n well I dun ran outta dick!

[@habsfan3363]

Just tell her that a Boeing 747 even looks small when it's flying into the Grand Canyon

[@svsps]

Habs Fan Triple H, is that you?

[@ilovemusicnbabes1089]

Woah. Dude lol

[@captainvoluntaryistthestat3207]

how about a horses? his always looks big everywhere.

[@jackjones9900]

Bow down to the game!

[@ishmael802]

Calm down, Triple H

[@Treynine]

"You can grab the rim, but you can't stuff it home" I almost fell out of my chair on that line.

[@teddybobeddy7374]

Keith Brockman That was easily top 5 top 10 bill burr lines of all time

[@mulemule]

*Almost?!* This is KZbin: overreact *more* next time.

[@janveidt2700]

LOL @ 'I can't see you ever being a good mother', that would definitely KILL most chicks.:)

[@thomassidoti5496]

Yea i would totally say that if i were him

[@melo15813]

Gotta keep this line in the back of my mind and let it out when its appropriate.

[@sabbracadabra8367]

I don't think he was saying it to be harsh though, even though it is. I think he was saying it because it is true.

[@O6MustangGT]

Nah man you tell em they look like they'd be a good single mom

[@moloch8473]

"My mother was right about you" is an underrated line

[@juanaltredo2974]

women know thats about the most degrading thing they can say to a guy, its like their A game when they're pissed

[@chrisp2481]

juan altredo like Eddie Murphy says: women want to kick you in the nuts. you just have to graze them.

[@themanifestmage]

I'd consider it more of a cheap insult. Looking at it this way keeps the big picture in perspective.

[@xEveNxThExOdds]

"You can grab the rim but you can't stuff it home" I love this dudes sports analogies... lmfao

[@matthewh6474]

Amateur porn isn't a good reference because only a confident guy would allow himself to be seen naked on camera. The true average guys would be less likely to allow themselves to be filmed. So watching porn of any kind, professional or amateur, gives you a skewed view of what average is. So does reading people online, you'd think the average was at least 7" judging from what 90% of guys say on the internet.

[@maltesefalcon4221]

5.5 inch rocket , lmfao bahahaha

[@m.a.4949]

Barely a lighter

[@luciferStar420]

That’s the length of the palm of my hand. Sorry on the editing, I’m pretty stoned haha

[@luciferStar420]

Kinglsey John Owen what? What’s five centimeters lol make sense if you are going to comment! I don’t speak to lesser human beings such as yourself.

[@imwhatyouyoucallaballsack6205]

Tiwgle Toes no way you guys got 5cm cocks mine is legit 3 cm show me the way

[@adityatiwari2957]

@@imwhatyouyoucallaballsack6205 Thank god, someone got smaller than mine.

[@verticalhorizon4633]

Being average is not a flaw; it's being average.

[@josephblanchard6248]

Very philosophical

[@johnnyskellington9581]

Very true but for Americans, 5.5 is below average lol most girls don’t settle for anything less than 6. They actually think an ideal size is 7 and up. So to be in the 5 inch zone really sucks. Average is like a Honda Civic which is just fine and gets the job done. But below average is like riding the bus. Nobody wants to have to ride the bus everyday when they can be with someone that can drive them around in their car

[@RollingcrewTV]

@@johnnyskellington9581 wheres the average of 7 inches globally? Guys towing anchors over here

[@oceanside9508]

Johnny Skellington, Johnny Skellington, From all the studies I’ve read, and the general consensus I’ve gathered, a 5,5 penis is perfectly average or perhaps even a tad larger than average. Having a 7 inch penis however, is ridiculously rare. The very meaning of the word “average” is that something is common amongst MOST people. Statistically speaking, having a penis size of 7 inches is about as likely as having a 2 inch penis, which probably occurs in 1/10.000 men. For girls to expect, and accept nothing less than 6 inches is not only absurd, but doesn’t make any sense when looking at the average either.

[@atm6870]

Damn I’m glad I’m over 8 inches on a good day

[@themanifestmage]

Average for U.S. is 5". Global is 5.5. The guys doing fine.

[@digitalblasphemy1100]

"so I'm going to give it my best shot to keep it very short" lol

[@AlexanderHL1919]

''keep it short'' XD

[@urrejhipokritet]

Fuck I have 5.5 inches, and here I was thinking I was fine! Goddamit...

[@alanfournier3071]

You're fine!

[@TheFlammableGas]

5.5 is the average in the US, so you're fine.

[@FrancoDFernando]

***** 24 people have the same penis size as you do

[@shaolintiger88]

+urrejhipokritet you do understand what average means right?

[@MrCompassionate01]

So a few facts here. There are no effective or safe non-surgical penis enhancement methods so you're stuck with what you got buddy. Men who have large penises are often happy to talk about it and almost all porn features disproportionate men so the vast, vast majority of people who go to the doctor worrying about their size are actually average size. If you're listening to this being like "Oh no mah 5.5 incher!" like, you're actually above global average dude. 5.1 or 5.3 is the usual estimate by professionals. So if a girl says they don't like the size of your penis feel free to let them know they won't be seeing any more of it.

[@verticalhorizon4633]

If you're average, and she's the size of the Holland Tunnel, then who's really at fault?

[@shaolintiger88]

obama.

[@DenaturedProtein]

@@shaolintiger88 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@richardspikman7116]

The trick is to put it in sideways. ;)

[@wolfie498]

You just made me spill my drink!

[@hooligan7784]

Bravo!!!

[@kiddisley5890]

I dont get the joke here

[@wolfie498]

+Franz Isley Have you ever seen a naked lady?

[@richardspikman7116]

wolfie498 does his Mom count?

[@kevinsousa3581]

5:40 to 6:06 DAMN

[@KCurry]

"You and I we come off that bench okay we're the kind of guys that go in the corners, right?" Lmao

[@jc.1191]

🤣🤣🤣

[@Smokie1960]

I hate to be the party pooper, but that's the main reason I ride a motorcycle, to haul around my massive manhood. It's exhausting.

[@trying2killsometime]

Smokie1960 .You have a side car you flop it into?

[@Smokie1960]

trying2killsometime Yeah. Expensive but necessary.

[@DannyBoy...]

Do you mistake it for a wrist and put a watch on it?

[@ricnrolle]

+Smokie1960 do they call you little smokie?

[@sirtnfol8476]

You beat me to it. It also takes balls to ride

[@paulburger9904]

I love bill's positivity. What a bro.

[@waawaaweewaa2045]

Burrs retort is amazing. Nothing can haunt a vain woman more than telling her she has some physical issues without pointing out what they are.

[@majorramsey3k]

She's just got a big V.

[@jeffk1722]

Curb Your Enthusiasm, one of my favorite discussions on that show: Jeff: "what percentage are big?" Larry: "50%. Why not? I mean biologically - aren't there statistically just as many big vaginas as small penises, right?"

[@SingularitySessions]

Jeff K Big enough to hide a signed Mickey Mantel baseball inside ??

[@olegtz]

Fucking her is like throwing a sausage into a hallway XD

[@thatfatboi7874]

Oleg Tzurikov beautiful, just beautiful. You made my day, thanks.

[@sabbracadabra8367]

Haha remember in Curb Your Enthusiasm when they keep making that wide vagina hand signal? \ /

[@gunslinger713]

If a woman ever tells you that she's cheating.

[@joeydoherty368]

gunslinger713 I don’t think so. If she’s cheating she doesn’t want you to know. In this case I think she just wants him to break up with her. I’m not even sure his dick is the problem because wouldn’t she like advise him to get it enhanced or up his foreplay game instead of just saying she doesn’t like his size?

[@nmer5023]

@@joeydoherty368 Maybe she is cheating and wants him to leave her or say something very bad back so she doesn't feel so bad about confessing

[@joeydoherty368]

Nik Merr That could be too. Though that's not really cheating since she wants the relationship to end, she just doesn't have the balls to do it.

[@nmer5023]

@@joeydoherty368 dude that's still cheating, arguably worse because there's no reason for her to stay. If someone still wants to be in the relationship and cheats as terrible as that is it's better than someone that wants to leave and decides to crush the other person for no reason

[@sk8legendz]

I thought bill was going to bring that up see if someone says something like that it's only a matter of time before they go out and get it if they're staying with you you know what I'm saying like they're not just going to sit there and crave ice cream all day when they can go to the store for ice cream and not at some point say f*** it I'm going to go get a half pint of that f****** Ben & Jerry's Big D Delight

[@josefvenable8989]

I cracked up when he wrote about keeping it very short

[@heinzbaron9129]

It is true, if you are dating a girl and she can't help herself from saying hurtful things, no matter what promises she makes (such as "put a ring on my finger and I will change"), she will NEVER stop that behavior. You gotta break it off or you will end up in a crappy marriage.

[@nicopisano4999]

Halfway through I realized: I would love to hear Joey Diaz comment on this.

[@CamperCarl]

My gf keeps complaining that her ex was too small. Getting similar vibes where I feel its just a cruel thing to say about someone

[@peateargriffin7593]

Stewie: Is there any tread on the tire or is it pretty much like throwing a hotdog down a hallway?

[@tabu0386]

It's not like dudes can pick out the size they want out of a line up, they are born whatever way they were born. They can't do anything about their size. That's the most evil, vile thing you could say to a dude. Especially one that you care about! Women only say that to be cruel, no other reason.

[@brendanbalanced1945]

I knew a guy who got told that. We found him crying in the locker room and could not go in for like an hour. Lol Were decent guys so no ones told him that we noticed.

[@Hitsyfication]

The "lol" implies you're not as decent as you think.

[@josephblanchard6248]

And he's an even more decent guy because he's never told you that he's noticed that your gay. Because why you looking at a dude's d*ck?!

[@InnerCity759]

Wait, brendan. You guys actually saw me?

[@P-lo_ol-9]

I wonder... In what situation did you observe the length of your friend's stiffy?

[@trje246]

At 5.5" that's not below average that is about normal.

[@MeTHiCaN619]

When a girl says deeper, reply, Can you tighten it up? tighter, a little tighter. Of course, you dont say that. Wouldnt want to insult your way outta getting some.

[@fuukifynoe]

If a woman is tight, means they're not into it. Google it.

[@larbzmonlarbz7071]

hmmm reminds me of someone....Andrew Schultz much???

[@fuukifynoe]

Idk who takes advice from a Methican anyway.

[@redfather5342]

If she gonna complain about size she better have some nice tits none of that flat chest shit

[@negativeindustrial]

Redfather I actually prefer Bcups. Anything bigger and their nipples get way too big and point downwards. Fuck that

[@mako4874]

u can grab the ring but u can't stuff it home- oh shit bill u slay me

[@ThaDreamMerchant]

+Loop Set Rim not ring

[@AnNguyen-bz9gx]

+Loop Set "U can grab the GRIP (baseball bat) but u can't stuff it home"

[@johnparsons7453]

couldn't stop laughing 😂😂😂😂

[@scrawled_inblack9882]

Pretty sure he said grab the "rim" but you can't stuff it home.

[@Marcus-gh8bh]

@@AnNguyen-bz9gx yeah he clearly said rim.

[@leothelion7737]

ooooh, the "you're not going to be a good mother." bit is a really nice slice. damn, use that.

[@yellowzoiid]

Amazing insult for a woman who says this type of shit to men

[@TheNotebartello]

"Right out her front fuckin' door." Damn right.

[@Treck96]

Every time he says "Beautiful -moves away from the mic- LADIIESSS" I crack up.

[@StillAwesome21]

"Everything seems small when you're driving it into the Grand Canyon".

[@Relyt345]

5.5 isn't that bad, nothing special but it's enough to get in there and hit the spot. We need different sized guys out there, some chicks require specialists, tons of chicks cant take a big one. 5.5 can be plenty for the right lady.

[@phillach5181]

5'5 is like spot on average

[@jadenprice2835]

I’m about 4.5 and my girl shakes every time we bang, so either she’s a good fuckin lier or size doesn’t matter

[@stockyguru]

Jimmy 😂

[@stockyguru]

Jaden Price 😂😂😂

[@godwinikah6789]

@@jadenprice2835 you absolute legend

[@Kasadoll]

Actually 5-7 in is normal :) not all of us have foot long fun sticks

[@CHIEFS_DYNASTY_]

Kasadoll no, 5.5 is "normal" aka average. 7 inches is not in the average range. good try tho

[@lazlo686]

darth boner “good try though” you’re a condescending piece of shit aren’t you?

[@iTsStEpHyyyy]

No disrespect but how do you guys know what's normal? Do you like take a little survey every time you use a public bathroom? Google dick sizes? Gather your friends to find a median? Taking surveys while watching porn? Again no disrespect, just curious. 😊🍻👍✌

[@absolutebackfire191]

iTsStEpHyyyy there has been research on it yoy arrogant knobhead. Dont act like you dont know

[@iTsStEpHyyyy]

Absolute Backfire ,well obviously I know there has been research ,fuckhead. I just want to know how the research was done.

[@austincannon4177]

I'd kill to be 5.5

[@yellowzoiid]

@Quaglium Quagnarr It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's freckle dick!

[@pat4322]

It's not how long the cork is, it's how snug it fits in the bottle

[@reolevon5564]

He always says he doesn't have qualifications but hes got a 3 dan PHD in life though! Keep rocking it Bill!

[@nora8808]

14 cm is enough, not all girls thinks that is small. To me, 15 cm is maximum. so I hope the dude is okay and know that girls prefer different sizes

[@T--wg7qc]

thank you

[@jc.1191]

Googling convert cm to in 😂.

[@jc.1191]

It's kinda the same with boobs too. I've dated girls with the a b size and they looked sexy as hell on their figure. Dated a girl with some d's that had been taken over by gravity a bit much too.

[@agoodamerican614]

that Vice City comeback... "may be a needle but it moves like a sewing machine"

[@anonymoususer480]

“We’re the king of guys that go in the corners” 🥉🥉 😂

[@hortonhearscrying]

Story of my life. Ex crushed my confidence to go out, and try again with someone else.

[@patodiblasi]

I'm no giant, but believe me it's no fun to pause every 30 seconds because it hurts her, or even stopping completely... There is a screw for every nut.

[@lydellb]

lmao "You can grab the rim, just can't stuff it home." Lmfao!

[@oma15]

Oh jeeeeeeezzzuz

[@seth210]

I’ve listened to burr for years and this is some of the funniest shit I’ve heard

[@raymondbarbosa5515]

6:36 Ol' Billy Sixth Man of the fuckin YEEEAAARRRR

[@Swediepinoy]

love Bill's laugh

[@MFCunnilingus]

When “Just The Tip” and “Full-Penetration” are synonyms in your dictionary :’c

[@allenfernandez8653]

lmao bills laugh is fucking contagious

[@slickrick9221]

BILL I FUCKING LOVE YOU LMAO

[@PuffTheMagicHobo]

Hahahah "you can grab the rim but can't stuff it home"

[@mosshark]

Burr is top class.

[@sfincione2000]

HahahH! tattooed on your rib cage!!!

[@dahpizzaboy6149]

Missed a perfect opportunity when he said he’s going to keep it short at the beginning

[@MrBranboom]

Right on.

[@brianwarner308]

this guy cracks me up

[@crob187]

lol "were not in the starting 5; were the guys that come off the bench, we go to the corners"

[@pyromaniac354]

Like throwing a hotdog down a hallway

[@Bshith]

I love all the obscure basketball references

[@drflaggstaff9008]

Damn Bill I can't sympathize with this guy's issue but I never expected to hear such top-grade moral Philosophy from you. "She fucked with the core of your happiness". Damn.

[@SlugSage]

Sixth man of the year!

[@debrarymer]

People are terribly misguided as to what might make them happy. Size is measurable, so we are attracted to it because it makes valuation quantitative. Life, however, and especially the dearest aspects of it, are qualitative. People who have it reversed are struggling. Some struggles we must address on our own or with a licensed therapist.

[@debrarymer]

+MarleysMellowMood I have a little of it worked out. I suppose everyone solves a patch. The thing I know is that this life is too fleeting to waste. Also, every day on this side of the grass is a good day. My final piece of wisdom is that playing pinball is super fun.

[@shaolintiger88]

you sound like you escaped from one of those indie movies lol. jk

[@TahaNasser]

+Debra Rymer That's a very insightful comment. I didn't know they existed on KZbin any more!

[@debrarymer]

***** Thanks. Glasses help. ,;)

[@Hitsyfication]

Not exactly relevant when an alarming percentage of women demand over 6ft of height and a pornstar cock. Keep trying, though.

[@ishmael802]

Bill Burr got the Big D energy.

[@invadernik]

u can grab the rim but cant stuff it home. LOL.

[@brianwarner308]

ya man that was genius

[@josephblanchard6248]

Wait so my cousin has been lying to me this whole time about 4 inches being big??

[@jaymoney202]

Genius

[@lars-akechesburg9911]

GO MEAN MAN, GO MEAN

[@SHAWNJX]

Thats like telling her i wish you were tighter

[@dipintamang4547]

The comments Section is GOLD.

[@Monscent]

6:30 man Bill can give a fucking good peptalk :)

[@nickalvarado7908]

May not be a 3 pointer, maybe not even a layup, but a free throw is still a point for the board

[@wingman-1977]

I agree with ol freckles on this one. It’s a wrap with her. Doesn’t matter if she meant it or not.

[@Jeffko78]

OCHOOOOOO!

[@marks3114]

I've got a solid 7" and have been told I'm too big. and NO I do not have extra wide like my shoes

[@sunnyrainyday6820]

Rollcoaster of emotions

[@rainbo2987]

Said it once to push someone away from my crazy life so they could go be happy with someone better...

[@andreamarin4296]

Is it me or does bIll sometimes sound like Archie Bunker when he says " oh (g)sheesh"

[@elvis316]

andrea marin i believe it is intentional.

[@rubbersole79]

Naw....you just gotta do the old Seinfeld toothbrush trick. Something like, "That's interesting honey, because one of YOUR features has been bothering me as well...." And leave it at that.

[@manoneal1724]

I can see it in his eyes.

[@fistoffries]

I would go so far as to say not to say anything mean in return. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing that she made you retaliate. Once the breakup does happen, cut off contact forever. This woman isn't even worth trying to stay friends with.

[@youngvices7938]

2:15 hahaha 5.5inch rocket! U can grab the rim but cant stuff it home Damn

[@koentjeb21]

"Her tact is wrong" :D

[@Evangelionism]

*1:05** One more time, Bill, cause I don't think people caught the joke. XD*

[@jasonanderson846]

I’m about to get some enhancement surgery, cuz I’m not satisfied unless I’m bruising cervix!

[@clay7182]

First min and 30 I'm already lmao

[@Yophillips3272]

If some girl said that to me I wouldn't give a fuck. I'd be like go get 1 then, peace.

[@Filiolus]

Well there's some new perspective good sir. :P

[@jonathanpope5068]

I got an acorn sitting on a shag carpet over here.

[@chrismaw5117]

Just tell her it's like throwing a hotdog down a hallway

[@codenamelarry6518]

Guys, Anywhere between 4 & 8 inches is fine for women. Some prefer bigger, and some actually prefer smaller, but most prefer size within that range

[@yellowmelancholy4875]

Elliot Beach 4 inches? Nah

[@uberwarlocker]

There's only one way to increase size: lose weight

[@josephblanchard6248]

Or just date smaller chicks.

[@spaceduniverse]

What... is that true?? This sounds like bullshit

[@WiscoMTB37]

Dick pump

[@umso4l]

battlehardened37 that only increases girth

[@computerblue1271]

5.5 isn't small, it's sub-compact tactical.

[@aq1q]

i thought 5.5 inches was average, also to the dude, girth also matters. Don't feel bad, she's a bitch, and girls (and guys) always resort to sexual incompetence (despite the fact it's not true) on the partner's behalf to make him/her feel awful.

[@EarthAngel504]

if 5.5 was Average, i was well about average at age 13, and am well about it unaroused. but i'm Black,. But..7 is about average for Blacks. and is still considered small.

[@EarthAngel504]

***** awesome

[@aq1q]

***** Dude keep that shit to yourself. I mean, you come on youtube to brag about your own penis size? real original lol. I mean, I don't know what to say that other than laugh. I'm coming at this from a scientific point of view. Determining the "actual" average penis length is actually very tricky because a penis size can very greatly. Additionally, it's not like there's been major funding for penis size study. However, that said, the general consensus is about 5-5.5 inches when erect. As for Bob, stop being racist.

[@LOLFLUSHDRAW]

***** you're dumb just get over it.

[@EarthAngel504]

LOLFLUSHDRAW and you're Ugly. so go away

[@Okiedude5]

Well if she said that I imagine she's already been stepping out and knew saying that would be an easy out

[@mr.roboto8324]

The average “G spot” is less than 3 inches in.

[@zoranallen5205]

Mr. Roboto I mean usually you can reach it with your fingers