THIS Is Why Avoidants Prefer CASUAL RELATIONSHIPS Over Committment

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

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[@bulldogsnewleaf-m7g]

If they were open from the start - it would be no problem. It's the unhealed ones who love-bomb and think they want the commitment till they don't...and instead of communicating, they shelf you while putting someone else in the spot you used to be in as "the one" - damn that hurts.

[@MatGilbert]

It's not a secret, avoidant people choose to ignore the pain and suffering they cause others because it's easy. Because they can. Because nobody has ever made them face consequences for the suffering and pain they have caused others. The only thing you can do is call out avoidant (abusive) behavior and don't let them destroy you life. Defend yourself against them before they use you and move on to the next victim.

[@ropesofpearls9758]

They still don't take any responsibility when you call them out! They are numb to your pain and have zero remorse. Mine left 5 days to my birthday! Meanwhile, I celebrated and threw him a birthday party on his birthday. It's sad how we pour love and care into them, but they're not capable of doing the same!

[@heatherbug265]

I'm a week into no contact. I fell in love with him so fast just 3 months ago. I want him back so bad. I want to feel that connection again. I want to tell him how I feel. I want to feel him again. It's so hard to keep no contact. However, I hear you people in the comments. I know what it will be like. He'll come back and I'll get what I am craving now, but he'll leave again. My heart couldn't take it. 💔

[@ropesofpearls9758]

@heatherbug265 I'm so sorry that you're going through this. They do come back if you don't beg and break no contact! If He returns, ask him to commit to couples therapy immediately. Without therapy, they don't stay or fall deeply in love. If he turns down therapy, please run for the hills because he will leave again! Mine was back in my life 3 times. He promised therapy but turned it down once I let him in. Please take this time to work through that thing from your childhood that's making your heart yearn for a man who isn't choosing you. That's what I'm doing now!

[@MatGilbert]

@@ropesofpearls9758 she would not go to couples therapy even once. I read that "the lack of closure is the closure" and while it is not satisfying at all it's the closest I'll ever get to an answer of what she felt or why

[@ropesofpearls9758]

@MatGilbert I'm so sorry to hear about your experience. Unfortunately, they're not capable of self reflection or acknowledging their partner's pain to seek therapy 😕. I have come to realize that we give closure to ourselves. I hope you find peace and closure in the knowledge that you gave it your all. Mine said he was afraid that the couple's therapy might work and we might actually end up together! Can you believe that? What a way to belittle a partner! He just made me realize that he's not deserving of my love and care.

[@ClickerTrainer1]

This is one of the most helpful videos to me that you have put out. Thank you so much. 🙂

[@MissSarahGM]

The problem is that they advertise a committed relationship in the beginning. Hence the "bait and switch", even if unintentional, hard to believe they never looked back and learned about themselves that they only have a string of flings and that is what they want. If they were honest about it, they wouldn't have such bad rep.

[@deepthoughts87-d4s]

Right i would say ok cool

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

It can definitely feel like that when initial commitment shifts. Often, they may not fully understand their own patterns, which makes honest communication difficult. Recognizing this can help in setting boundaries early on. Thank you for sharing your thoughts 💜

[@garyforbes8711]

So, "Friends with Benefits" is okay, all the while he/she is doing the same thing with others. A "Committed Relationship" is not okay. Got it.

[@bulldogsnewleaf-m7g]

It's more like they are putting someone else on a pedastal and putting you on the shelf for validation when bored. There's always a special one that they think they want to commit to when they wont commit...Or someone they are idolizing.

[@maralinautube]

Thanks for breaking this down! ​@@bulldogsnewleaf-m7g I ALWAYS wonder why my DA ALWAYS PLACES his children!

[@Mental_Alchemist]

Not always, some people just don't want to "fall in love" with anyone. After a few heartbreaks u realize it really ain't worth it to put that much trust into anyone.....no matter how it seems in the beginning.

[@tarkov_6]

Not everyone is "Needy" and it still doesn't matter....

[@timmorisma4800]

Does the self-sabotaging cycle that avoidants go through affect their mental health in the long run?

[@MissSarahGM]

It builds up their shame and keeps them avoiding self-reflection. Maybe isolation for some individuals.

[@Mental_Alchemist]

I do this, but didnt realize there is a name for it. All im saying is that from my experience, people say that they want this "commitment/connection" to u UNTIL they change their mind. Then they dgaf about how u feel once they determine they've either outgrown you, the grass is greener, or if THEY dont FEEL happy anymore. I learned the hard way that nobody's gonna protect my heart like i would even if they swear on a stack of Bibles that they would. YOU DON'T have to deal with that pain.....u might feel a little guilty, but you don't have to piece it back together. Idk why people even want to put themselves in those situations to begin with bcuz the highs definitely aren't worth the lows.

[@DIOcelot]

When I met my FA, she became so infatuated with me. I didn’t know why she was giving me so much of her time. We would text each other like as though we were in a relationship, but I could always feel like she had one foot in and one foot out. She never wanted to put any label in the relationship and would even lash out and ice me out when I would try to have a talk about what’s going on saying “we’re not together”. Okay but we are physically intimate like we are, we text like we are… but we’re not?

[@deeeboo-]

Are you still with her? I'm a FA, I'm going to tell you what work for us, assertiveness, because we're fearful. So maybe, in a joking manner say: you're gonna be my girlfriend one day, so you don't straight pressure her, but you present the idea in a light way, she probably panic, but if you keep calm, she'll warm up to the idea, at least this is what works with me, I panick first, then I give it a try, but very cautiously.

[@DIOcelot]

@ unfortunately, that ship sunk… me and her had a very strong connection in the beginning and she even showed some vulnerability to me saying she really likes me but doesn’t want to get her heart broken again. We had a good four months but then she became really distant and cold. Ultimately she shut down and asked if we could be friends because she said she doesn’t want to lose me. I walked away and said that if she doesn’t see me romantically anymore then we have to go our separate ways. It’s been 8 months of no contact so far and she still hasn’t reached out to me. I miss her to this day but I just know I did everything I can to be loving and caring to her but she just wasn’t ready to be in another relationship again.

[@deeeboo-]

@DIOcelot yeah sounds exactly like something I used to do, I think this is the best for both of you, she needs to learn that running away is limiting her happiness and you deserve someone more secure, insecurity really destroy relationships or the hopes for one.

[@fakenattypolice8317]

Invest the time in your self and develop the awareness and boundaries to keep insecure relationships out of your life . I was clueless until a month ago , now i am a 50 year old guy trying to figure it out now. Find a good counselor or coach to help you through the process.

[@milesmatulionis]

That was awesome 👏

[@lak1294]

When you're on the receiving end of Avoidant behaviour, and you find a way to communicate your needs effectively, this shows the Avoidant there's an alternative way to handle and talk about difficult, triggering events. It can be an educative, eye-opening manoeuvre for them. If they truly love you, they will embrace it (even if taken aback at first). But if they don't genuinely care about you, they may get angry and disrespect, stonewall, ghost, etc. Carefully watching their responses will tell you a lot about your Avoidant partner and the overall health of your relationship.

[@asafselevanay1330]

True, I asked her to communicate with me effectively after 1.5 years dating. Reason i say that bc she slipped away from the communication i was used to with her. So, I felt indifferent for a month, and she became distant physically as well. What she did got mad at me cheated with her ex old married ex and breakup with me.

[@RubyLine]

Even if you find a way to communicate your needs/boundaries/dealbreakers in a kind and neutral way, it doesn't mean that they will indeed follow through. They tend to make a lot of promises but never actually deliver. Better to keep watch on their actions and behaviours, than their usual (empty) words.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Communicating your needs effectively can be a powerful step. It not only helps you feel heard but also models healthier ways of handling challenging moments, offering a new perspective for the avoidant partner. Thank you for sharing 💜

[@lak1294]

@rubyline, I agree one really needs to observe the Avoidant's response, in words AND actions. Silently assess if it goes in a positive direction, over time (because they need time to absorb, learn, start behaving differently, etc.). Otoh, if it goes badly and slowly (or quickly) deteriorates from there, you're observing a different response and you potentially have different decisions to make.

[@darrinmiller8176]

Im in one of these relationship right now 😅it's horrible

[@moniqueb387]

I'm married to one. It sucks.

[@darrinmiller8176]

@moniqueb387 can't imagine being married to one I feel for you!😪💔

[@bossbear1256]

@@moniqueb387same.

[@chocoborider87]

​@@moniqueb387 how did you ever manage to get them to marry you? I've been 15 years with my avoidant partner and I have trouble getting her to commit in holding hands for 2 minutes.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

That sounds tough. Remember to prioritize your well-being and boundaries. Sometimes seeking support can make a big difference. 💙

[@deepthoughts87-d4s]

Here was my situation she moved in but never sold her house.. she would not let go so it felt like she thought she would be trapped

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

It can be tough when someone keeps a backup plan like that-it might feel like they’re not fully invested. It could be their way of holding onto security, but it’s understandable how that could create some uncertainty in the relationship. Thank you for your vulnerable share💜

[@kylahyland7048]

Mine is money. No matter what relationship I'm in, I always hide money in cash. Reason why- incase my security was to ever be taken from me, I have that to fall back onto. This has nothing to do with my partners, and I am honest about it. Im FA, who did grow up homeless most of my childhood. I'm aware why I keep cash hidden, I'm aware that I'm in control of my life and I most likely will never end up in that position as an adult but having a safety net helps ease my anxiety of the "what ifs". 😊

[@handleName73]

Is there a way back for a fearful avoidant who convinces themselves that they are not so much in love, despite clear evidence to the contrary? Their past experiences and ingrained patterns cloud their ability to recognize their true emotions, leading them to misinterpret healthy, open communication as a reflection of their unresolved traumas and deep-seated fears of connection. They only have short-term relationships that "they didn't feel it", or attractions to traumatic people and in distance relationships with people who connect with because of their traumas where they acted as their healer (mirroring, codependence). How to make them see the reality?

[@AlvinStone76]

The other sad reality is .... most DAs confuse Kindness as People Pleasing as does most of the World.

[@Dottore-b4l]

The more I listen to the content like this the more I undestand the avoidants. But I cannot derive a strategy to keep up friendship with an avoidant. The only way seems to fully neglect my own needs and "understand" why avoidant pulls back, does not want to commit, what triggers they have... It is frustrating.

[@cecilang9721]

What is keep up? Just dont do anything. If an avoidant likes you, they will reach out when they feel ready. Otherwise they are taking space. If you feel uncomfortable, leave that person alone and don’t respond when they reach back out.

[@ladyluck3931]

He committed just couldn't be fully emotionally engaged.

[@Brittanybama]

10ish mins . Me 😮

[@ogeidsamsora]

Summarized: Because they're chickensh@t, yes, i was callously wronged by an avoidant. Sue me.

[@shahendaelmahdy6112]

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