3 Tips For Communicating With Dismissive Avoidants To Get Your Needs Met | Unmet Needs

[@madeoflovely]

Yes, yes, yes! Such a good video. It’s so true that there’s the person who’s willing & just is missing the skills/modeling and the other who is not willing. For the first, learning communication skills & how to self regulate are freaking game changers. ❤❤❤

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you Lovely! Really glad you liked this one :)

[@ek3415]

I’m an FA and was with a DA and I purposely tried to speak my needs as they were happening to become a better communicator which was something new to me. But anytime I brought something up even if I tried to communicate more positively and list specifically what I needed, they said it pushed them away. Felt manipulative bc it silenced me from being honest in future.

[@aml7481]

This has been my experience with DAs as well. A lot of them think that others are "imposing" on them because we communicate specifically what we need. They seem to have this bizarre automatic black-and-white notion of relationships of "I have to suppress everything I want if I stay with this person, and I won't have to suppress anything at all when I'm alone." They don't even seem to assess who they're even dealing with before spray-painting that belief on the people around them, and they don't test that assumption either. If you don't test your assumptions of others, then you will never ever learn who they even are as a person.

[@lesliemontagne6797]

Ditto here. My DA spouse seems to have an entire “barrier” protecting him. When we are treated as you all so aptly described, not only do our needs never get met, but we are literally “in chains” in the relationship and will not ever truly be able to openly show our authentic selves. Our authentic selves will be dismissed, dissed, even ever so subtly shamed by a DA’s withdrawal or silence. This eroded and destroys self esteem; so maddening it’s a real control mechanism. When I began to gently prod my spouse about how his parents “modeled” their behavior, how they engaged with each other or solved problems, all the puzzle went together. His mothers weapon was the silent treatment and she’d often ignore her husband for days. This is how she got her message across. His father was very friendly but I came to see he was such a stubborn man. So there you go, my DA husband is silently stubborn. It all fits

[@amberdear7318]

Severe DA

[@johnnycassell4338]

Mine just ignored me a slept with her ex days later. What a delusional sack of human waste. Now she's broke and alone with nothing.

[@theanicca]

Yes I have found DAs feel overwhelmed so easily it does not create connection to speak your needs.

[@VeronicaLopez-gh4vj]

Dating an avoidant person is a very difficult situation. Good luck!

[@SK-no2pp]

Unless they are working on themselves, it’s not recommended. They are emotionally unavailable

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

For any attachment style, you could clearly & openly express your needs and see how the other person responds, and then decide from there if you want to be in a relationship with them. We have so much more power than we think :)

[@ConnieWobbles]

Not so easy when you're dealing with a parent, especially if you didn't grow up together. But still worth trying these techniques.

[@fruitypopwhickle6806]

I gotta accept that he wouldn't budge. I'm slowly working on bettering myself. There are still moments of anger and resentment towards him, but then I remember my life is all about me.

[@tiniliciouz]

Thank you. "but then I remember by life is all about me". I will keep this in mind going forward.

[@newbetsy]

I'm at the exact same place in my relationship. I am quickly losing hope for a happy outcome.

[@TS-uy6rp]

I miss my DA so much. I showed him this channel after we broke up and I hope he watches these videos

[@isonation.]

DAs don’t watch self-help videos. Better to move on and find someone who actually wants to be with you.

[@TheJoshyCee]

I tried very hard to communicate in a healthy way but it just ended up, once again, pushing them away which I hope is the final time because I don’t care anymore

[@bitofwizdomb7266]

You were unaware that your style was keeping the cycle in place

[@TheJoshyCee]

@@bitofwizdomb7266 yup but the cycle is over now. I’ve learned a lot and actually found a secure partner who doesn’t make me feel unseen. I hope others can too

[@OBNfull1000]

I'm so bad a criticizing when I should be acknowledging. Usually it's from a place of anxiety and only thinking about myself. When my ex and I were moving out and I saw him mainly moving his items out and a few shared items, but I got worried that he was only going to take care his own things so I asked more of him, when I should've acknowledged what he had already done. I noticed what I had did wrong and apologized, but also explained how I thought he was just going to ditch me with the rest of the work.

[@VieseCR]

I am feeling really empowered with the examples. Thank you!

[@trampersad1]

Thais you are so AMAZING!! These simple things in life can be so groundbreaking ❤ Where would we even learn this stuff !! Pds has been so life saving. I can never thank you enough.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You're so welcome Tanisha! Really happy you're here on the journey with us!

[@sally5256]

Thank you so much for this information! It’s so incredibly helpful! I have been using this strategy with my DA and I have gotten positive results! 🙏❤️

[@Michelle-qq4sd]

Thank for you for the constant reminder to clearly express my needs and ask about theirs. 🙏🏻

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You're very welcome Michelle!

[@roshalllambert]

Amazing tips! I loved the point about acknowledging effort and communicating clearly- 1st comment

[@sofiasalmoiraghi2985]

Hi!! Reaching for support here. I am an FA (leaning anxious) and my partner is a DA (leaning FA). We've been having a lot of conflict over the past couple of months and I am confused as to whether this is just us going through the power struggle phase of the relationship or if it is toxic. I am a child of a narcissistic mother and have some codependent patterns so it has been hard for me to set boundaries and come out of the confusion. Out main issue is trust. At some point in the relationship she started to selfsabotage and deactivate, not trusting me and getting her "i am defective, i am unworthy" wound activated and she would not open up to me and peopleplease. This is what made ME start loosing trust because since the beginning I had communicated several times my need for safety and connection, and that when she people pleased or didn't tell me how she felt i felt betrayed and unsafe. She told me that she wanted to work on it but it kept happening and my trust was betrayed time and time again, because she gaslighted me into thinking that she was actually working on herself and that everything was fine (even though i noticed something was up with her because I'm hypervigilant). I felt she wasn't putting in the work so I finally set the boundary and distanced myself so I could heal my trust wound and my self-trust to actually not put up with the false promises until she proved that she was actually doing the work. Now i am very conflicted because i wnt to believe that we can make it work but i fear that we will just get stuck in the same patterns. i have perfectionism trauma so making this decision is very hard for me, i don't know if i should give her another chance or if we are better apart,. i fear that my decision to not even try stems from the fear of being betrayed, but i also fear that wanting to get back together stems from fear of abandonment, and clinging on to that hope. I could really use some advice

[@suras8984]

Maybe try couples therapy if you want to make it work or move on and find a securely attached person so you can build trust more easily and it wont be a struggle for them to meet your needs and you are self aware enough to meet theirs.

[@auddier6445]

FA/secure here. You're just in the push pull dynamic us FA's get caught in. I just recently dated a DA that activated a lot of what you wrote here in me, so i get it. What's helped me is processing the relationship through positive lens and questions, such as, what did i learn? What are the positives? What can I be grateful for? Etc. Then do the best you can do to try to do and put a cap on the number of times you do, or for how long. If they don't show up so stand your ground and express reality and then walk away. Then you can actually take away something from the experience rather then resentment, guilt, etc.

[@sofiasalmoiraghi2985]

@@auddier6445 thank you for the advice, im relieved someone understands. Ive tried to get support from friends but their attatchment styles are not the same and they dont really get it.

[@adamfindlay7091]

I use verbal tech at work for new employees, if they try, and fail, but put in effort, I avoid any criticism, they're new, I figure. I assume in time they'll perfect and recall certain habits. But if I see no effort or motivation there's a problem. I can use this in relationship work at home, I think.

[@johnhatch2519]

I'm in love with a dismissive avoidant woman. I lean AP but through therapy and self-work I believe I'm moving towards a more secure attachment style. I don't think my partner is aware of her avoidant tendencies. Now here's my question: Can I tell my avoidant partner that she has a dismissive avoidant attachment style or will she see that as criticism? How can I best communicate my concerns for her without triggering a shutdown on her part? TIA for your answers!

[@ZhengSW]

Too bad I didn't learn any of this before I got blocked by my DA ex. My new headline. "Man learns about his AP attachment style and finally understands his entire life"

[@suras8984]

Isnt it amazing when you finally learn why you are the way you are and why your ex partners family/friends were/are the way they were/are?!

[@ZhengSW]

@@suras8984 That's why we really need to implement attachment theory as a compulsory course in the 1st year of high school! There are so many useless courses that can be replaced with Attachment Theory. It's so accurate it should not be ever called theory again.

[@s.m.5478]

Hi Thais Do you agree with Brianna Wiest's essay "16 reasons why you still don't have the love you want"? Could you do a video about it and explain how attachement styles play into it? I feel really confused after reading it. I think you can find the ebook for free online its called "101 essays that will change the way you think" and it's essay #48.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Hi S.M., my content team collects video ideas for future consideration. If you can send an email to [e-mail] that would be very helpful.

[@s.m.5478]

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Thanks for replying! Will do so.

[@michaelnorthorpe969]

Hi all, I’m looking for some support / input around this topic as I’m struggling a lot with this. I understand the necessity and helpfulness of positive communication but am struggling when the need expressed is asking my partner to be vulnerable in some form or another (especially given that they are DA and likely to feel like pressure). I’m thinking of needs around closeness, like sharing with one another and physical intimacy. Or encouraging my own love language when it’s hard for my partner. I guess I’m not sure how to word this sort of thing in a way that won’t trigger / push my partner farther away. I want them to know and feel safe enough but that often seems to mean me suppressing my relational needs. Every attempt I’ve made to voice or work on these has been met with resistance, shut down or deflection.

[@ItsOnlyLogixal]

The key is to do it in babysteps. Don't ask them what they're feeling, ask them what they're thinking. Get them to divulge one need or want a week or something and encourage them when they do. It's important to remind them that they should feel comfortable letting you know about their needs. Once they realise you value their needs they're more likely to express them. It really is like rescuing a stray cat sometimes.

[@MikaComments]

How about more examples.

[@daniellebures2195]

What if your DA untags your social media posts together and says his family was asking questions and he didn’t want to deal with it? No further explanation or conversation was offered or granted

[@briteidea08]

Move on,. Just leave as much as it hurts. I'm still healing after 5 and a half months.

[@AXC629]

#LovingYou If you put out milk and cookies they probably more inclined to show up. 😘🥰😇

[@liliaaaaaaaa]

Haha. That's actually true, making cups of tea, and making homemade biscuits for my DA BF is the way to his heart actually lol. We are currently discussing the various ways of making masala chai tea at present after having a break of several months then getting back together. Finding this channel and watching every video I could to work out all the varieties of anxious or avoidant attachment styles that we have both cycled through has been exceptionally useful. Recognising that he shows me love by taking me out to cafes and restaurants likewise is also part of the deal lol.

[@AXC629]

@@liliaaaaaaaa What if in the future he cant afford to take you out and give ya those little pamperings? Will ya be satisfied with staying in or a walk in a park to get that close time together? Life tends to have ups and downs couples should be prepared for them both without becoming overstressed or railing on their other. 👍

[@daveydaveable]

Oh my god yes - the point about making some sort of effort in an area and then being criticised anyway is *the worst!* I think practically nothing will make me deactivate more than that. It feels so shaming and frustrating - I'm damned-if-I-do-damned-if-I-dont, it's lose-lose. So why bother? Why even try? I'll be criticised either way. Or a similar theme - making efforts here here and here, but the other person ignores all that and focusses on the *one* thing you forgot, or one mistake you made. I think it's triggering to me from having a mother and family who would do the same - always seemed to be actively *looking* for things done wrong, almost taking a weird satisfaction in it - seemed to be at their happiest when there was something to complain about.

[@liliaaaaaaaa]

You need to look at your shadow work, and look at what lessons you need to learn how to deal with in terms of what you allow or don't allow. If you don't want to be criticised, don't let them. Just walk away and don't put up with it, if you don't like it. Dealing with DAs is all about space. Give them space and they will be more likely to make more effort towards you ultimately.

[@tiname1805]

What if a DA is so sensitive he would find it patronising if I told him hey, tnx for the garbage…quick tip-it goes over there actually, but thanks, I appreciate it…It feels like walking on eggshells again and he is defo not sbd that would appreciate the extra input. It's criticism to him.

[@itsaplantlife9850]

Okie dokie