The Hardest Thing About Being Fearful Avoidant

[@CosmicHealingGoddess]

Since joining the school and doing the work, I have not turned back. The best decision I ever made was listening to my gut instinct by joining the school and persisting in doing the internal work to finally create change in all areas of my life. To literally free myself from all the shackles I’ve created. I had no idea about attachment theory and how detrimental it can be to ones life to have an attachment, such as FA and keep carrying these internal wounds throughout existence. The scary part is the not knowing that our mind drives our reality...the beliefs I’ve held onto since childhood, that “I’m unloveable,” I’m weak” and “I’m not good enough” have created endless, helpless patterns of low self worth that kept me entrenched in codependent relationships which were so draining and toxic to my soul that I spiralled into a state of complete powerlessness and just wanted to give up on life in general....it was just easier for me to do so...but luckily I still have the strength in me to want to completely transform and be the creator instead of the reactor/victim...you are great at providing all the tools possible but ultimately the real power lies within our being and our willingness to manifest a new life and desired outcome. There’s always hope but it requires work to change...doing the internal work has been the hardest part but I’m sure it worth the end result.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

wow thanks for those heartfelt words! I will share this with Thais and the whole PDS team. So happy you're here healing with us! Very proud of you for doing the inner work :) -PDS team member

[@bernadettemeade7259]

AA Karma could you let me know which courses/ order you did please? I have done numerous quizzes and come up mostly on avoidant attachment side, although relate to preoccupied, fear of abandonment, also trapped, taken over, giving myself up, feels like I have to choose between losing me to be loved, which feels frightening.

[@CosmicHealingGoddess]

@@bernadettemeade7259 the best courses to start with are the emotional mastery and personal needs courses. They are the groundwork for discovering more about you, your thoughts, feelings, emotions and needs. After I took those courses, I then took the reparenting course. However, in the school, Thais has a list of recommendations as to which classes to take first. The school website was designed perfectly - easy to navigate and understand and everything is explained clearly. You can connect with the people in the school whom are going through similar things and they also provide helpful feedback because some have been doing the work and give their advice also. Hope that helps xo - try it! There’s a money back guarantee but trust me, you’ll love it! Thais is a Godsent. This work is truly powerful. Wishing you luck!

[@bernadettemeade7259]

@@CosmicHealingGoddess thank you that's really helpful, I had a reply from PDS team also , 13 courses which feels overwhelming! You certainly sound very positive and in a great place. Feel I've been so long on this journey having had so many different therapies over the years. More than any other issue the single biggest problem is high anxiety and panic attacks...can you relate? X

[@BexnRN]

Crazy isn’t it? I’ve never in my life had hope like this since starting the school.

[@jonmars9559]

Long before I ever heard the term "Fearful Avoidant", I described feelings around relationships as having one foot on the gas pedal and one foot on the brake. I desperately wanted to move forward but the more I pressed on the gas pedal, the harder I pressed on the brakes. Overheating, I soon felt as though I was being engulfed in a cloud of smoke.

[@kittykat.88]

Love this analogy

[@tanyaleahy5911]

This is exactly how I feel in relationships. I'm working on it though

[@hildaTshabalala]

Best description 😭

[@vladimirsamsonov46]

10:12 "I'm choosing to be vulnerable for me. Not for the reaction I get". This formulation is golden for anxious sided, especially AP.

[@skwerl81]

Definitely (if not more so) for the avoidant side too!

[@codeN_8]

Yes.

[@mrD66M]

In a nutshell - Communicate, don't assume. Being vulnerable, I am learning, is not an emotionally charged outpouring which feels confusing to me and overwhelming to the other person - it's respecting my own emotions, checking my present needs, and trying to share them in a calm, clear, positive way to them.

[@iamdragon5914]

Boom! Love your synopsis. Exactly as i experience it.

[@MellowBellow1]

Exactly!!!!! Assumptions are so soul destroying to everyone. ♥️♥️♥️

[@azmomconnection]

Aww this is great.

[@audtasticgirl]

Yes!

[@Magnoliasdiary]

Omg that's so accurate, i only found myself drawn to unavailable people or people that live far away but for available people I keep getting scared or look for flaws or mistakes 😭😭😭

[@bernadettemeade7259]

Totally relate, as that is how I react.

[@laluna424]

Spot on. 💙

[@beckym8245]

Same here!!

[@inkerikavantera]

Me too. I forced myself out of attaching to the unavailable ones. Now should teach myself letting the available ones in..

[@Borboleta1212]

This is totally me as well. I develop intense crushes/infatuations on people who are unavailable or live really far away (usually abroad!) and completely put them on a pedestal. On the rare occasion someone I’m attracted to is single and starts to show interest in me , I start to get anxious and overthink things, start thinking of reasons it won’t work and feeling trapped, and I push them away. I convince myself it’s for the best as I’ll only end up hurting them more later down the line. It’s been really annoying and confusing. Your content is really helping, Thaïs ~ thank you!

[@D2naSoaring]

Omg 😲 so glad you mentioned FAs feel confused. Cuz there's this quote floating around online that says "if you're confused, he doesn't like you." Like bro, NO. Im confused cuz I am healing my FA style lol 😆

[@geneaj15]

I find that quotes and memes about relationships online only add to the stories in my head. I think abstaining from social media might be in the works.

[@ahmadjaber3611]

@@geneaj15 i even sometimes stop watching a tv series or movie when i see a toxic concept that may affect me

[@shalinimohan6975]

@@geneaj15 literally one of the best things I did for my mental health

[@Borboleta1212]

@@ahmadjaber3611 Yes!! I relate

[@PerrySkyePhoenix]

Yes! ... And watching videos of dating coaches telling you these things... Like if he values you, he won't put himself in a position to lose you...etc.

[@iloveTool]

"I'm not worthy of people sticking around for me" yes! I think most of us FA's have this negative story playing in our mind all the time. It's sad that's it's so subconscious and we assume it's 100% truth without looking at anything logically or communicating to the other person. Great video, gives lots to think about and try to be more aware of the stories

[@karencoleman6800]

-Romantic relationship can be difficult (even when you do want to love & be loved). -The FEAR of trust, being trapped, being abandoned, being ashamed, guilt are as equally painful as much as you want the relationship. -It's not your fault, just your responsibility to recognize the past traumatic imprint that made you fear. -How much you personalize & tell yourself stories about your feelings. -Feeling guilt & shame & notice pattern changes. -Not having boundaries & over give, under receive THEN upset that others take -Expect mind reading -Carry a big TRUST wound

[@daniP4728]

The fear makes you run but then you realize the person loves you and you love them and you go back and then run away again and again and again and again!!!! It's SO hard to fix

[@alissaanderson7685]

I’m so grateful for this information. At 42 I thought I was cursed with these tendencies as they fully confused me.

[@PerrySkyePhoenix]

As a FA, I know the struggle is real. Trudging through mud... Yes, that's just how it feels. So frustrating... I want love as much as I fear it. It hurts. Especially every time, I feel like I take 1 step forward... I take 2 steps back.

[@nourishheallove]

These patterns are in all my relationships, not just my romantic ones. My life is so incredibly painful.

[@ahmadjaber3611]

Do you think you know the reason you became/were an FA?

[@こなた-m1o]

yeah same ):

[@hspinnovators5516]

You will get there. Keep showing up and learning. There's a whole sea who believes in you even as strangers

[@dominiquebouwer1854]

When you describe the feeling of desiring love and intimacy in conjunction with the overwhelming fear of closeness it made me think of how I've always felt like I've been on one side of a glass wall that separates me from everything I've always wanted from love. It makes so much sense now

[@angelicaguillan5660]

My partner is like this. He is so scared of commitment. He has the misconception that commitment equals to entrapment. Therefore his pendulum swings more often, the more we fight. I try my best to give him space and time when he asks for it. I've been watching Thais for over a year now. It helps me so much to understand and sympathise to my partner.

[@IamKingSleezy]

Here I am, laughing and crying at the same time at work because I’ve now come to the conclusion that this is my problem. I’m so happy I looked into this

[@reallifepsych3309]

Happy Friday everyone! I’m sure we’re all here because we care about working on ourselves. This is just a reminder to be patient with yourself, things take time, we got this!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Wonderful message. Happy Friday to you :) -PDS team member

[@IronX77]

1:49

[@wordsretainpower6250]

Thanks man. Not all heros wear capes lol

[@t.f.f.e.d.l8514]

I’ve basically made this commitment to myself, when feeling uncertain about something I need to ask two questions to myself. 1. Did this person communicate with me about the change in pattern? 2. Did I ask them if I missed something about why there’s a change in pattern? If the answers are no then yes then even if I did miss something it’s not my problem anymore. I’m done trying to mind read people, it wrecked my life once and I will not have it happen again! If people can’t communicate, (I’m also guilty of this when disregulated, but I’m getting better) then they’re not people I can associate with, not because I don’t want to or like them but for my sanity and wellbeing.

[@JonasAnandaKristiansson]

GREAT!!

[@LesleySASMR]

I FEEL SO SEEN! I've had this fear forever!!! Fear of not making the right choice or fear of being in a bad situation! Oh my god, ,this is completely mind-boggling. I'm so happy but so frustrated and tired from my brain and nervous system,

[@sunshinestar6076]

I have joined the school last week of November, putting in between 2-5 hours a day (i am really determined to heal my FA behaviour!) and i already see amazing improvements within myself, my life,my relationship...Thais your school, (like many other people are saying) is changing my life! I never thought i would say that one day that i am finally starting to see clearly!! Less and less deactivation and it’s like a chocolate cake for me everytime i take control of my stories!! Thais i adore you and i am forever thankful for the wonderful soul that you are!!And anyone who is second guessing to join the school?!! It’s a diamond mine!! And YES! Changes are possible!! Work work work!! But what a reward in the long run! Thank u Thank u Thais! ❤️🧚

[@skwerl81]

You are a superstar! Thais is amazing + your dedication is ultimately the game-changer

[@sunshinestar6076]

@@skwerl81 you are the sweetest! You are among the first people that i met in the school and i am very attached to you! I love your energy! And i am very happy we are now connected! U can’t get rid of me now lol!! I would share my chocolate cake with you anytime!! Thank u for your so nice comment for me ❤️❤️❤️

[@skwerl81]

@@sunshinestar6076 you are SO SWEET!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

@Marlene, @Annette - two of the best, most dedicated people I've seen! Sending you guys both a big hug xo Thais

[@sunshinestar6076]

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool What a powerful validation my dear Thais! So sweet of you! @Annette has been so wonderful to me! I am over the top grateful for your school and for YOU!! Bigger hugs! ❤️🧚

[@feelsrestricted8322]

This video has me crying. I feel so understood. This is something I have been struggling with for so long and recently my lack of boundaries, my fears of abandonment, feeling unsafe and not respected have all contributed to me losing my best friend who I have feelings for. Hopefully along this journey of self learning I can start to forgive myself for my trauma responses. Hopefully in the future I can grow to be more secure and not sabotage my relationships.

[@CD-qc1ue]

When it’s good with an FA I thought it was amazing,BUT when that switch flips and they almost instantly check out it’s really painful

[@amandaree1842]

I recognized that I act like a DA until I choose that I want to be close to someone, and then I switch to being a FA... I got some work to do.

[@erinh6239]

I love your work Thais! You've made such a huge difference for myself (FA) and my partner (DA). He even initiated doing a course in the school together!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for sharing that! So wonderful to hear about you and your partner doing the work together. Best wishes to you both. -PDS team member

[@anewchapter1336]

That's amazing...I'm FA and my husband of 21 years is DA. I am praying he will want to do this together, but for now I wil concentrate on healing myself.

[@erinh6239]

@@anewchapter1336 I started off approaching everything like he was helping me, so that way he didn't feel attacked. I think when I showed him the PDS video on what the partner of a DA needs to know, he was much more open to learning his own attachment theory work on his own. He's been renting books at the library on relationship work for the last few months now too, and it has made me feel so loved to see his investment. I hope you find your way to feeling more at peace too. Best wishes.

[@anewchapter1336]

@@erinh6239 Thank you so much for your reply! That is so great that he is taking initiative and ownership as well. I can imagine how loved it makes you feel :) I did send my husband the PDS video on what a partner of FA needs to know so I am trying to make it more about me right now too. I have mentioned to him that there is a short quiz he could take if he would like to find out his style. I will wait a couple of weeks then ask him if he could watch the corresponding DA video. He seems slightly interested, but then resorts back to his demanding job as to why he can't spend the needed time on this and usually ignores my requests. I will just keep doing what I'm doing and modeling how we can heal our inner childhood wounds and become more secure and not put any pressure on him. I honestly already can feel myself becoming more secure and I am doing this for myself and my children most importantly.

[@mismiserables]

One thing I've noticed as an FA is that I relate to the DA videos but the FA ones just hit deeper.

[@flashman2]

Isn't that the idea?

[@amandamcgowan4904]

I cant believe how much of the FA behaviors are me. Behaviors i thought were driven by my own concious choices and thoughts but in reality my subconscious mind has been running the show. Its painful to hear my experiences as a child being said by someone else as examples of why i am the way i am. But it gives me hope as well, that maybe i dont have to feel this way forever. Im very grateful that i found these videos.

[@JohnBoulding]

As someone currently in a relationship with a female FA I can say all this information is spot on. The woman I'm seeing is a wonderful person who unfortunately had some trauma in her life. I'm doing my best to be a good partner while maintaining my own life. It's hard

[@Itssimplyaisha]

It’s not easy I hope she truly heals and keep going. Take care

[@lizp2512]

I feel this one so many time but it’s just been mentioned “the fear of being trapped in the wrong thing” “the fear of being unhappy and not being able to get out” phewwww yessss - I want to get it right so much, I almost don’t want to get it wrong so don’t do it at all. Interesting. Also check, check on everything else. To believe I’m in such a better place now 1 year later but still have a bit more to go- I love this investing into myself journey ❤️

[@PhetteHollins]

I felt this one deeply. I took the quiz & got FA. At first, I thought DA resonated more but nope. This is definitely it. Desperately want love but don't open up & trust enough to let anyone in --fully. I'm so glad I found your channel.

[@mindfulmeaningfulmoments247]

Awww I feel so loved! ❤️ Isn't Thais the BEST "parent" a "child" could have!? 🤱

[@romanitza24]

Wow, list of fear is spot on, fear of being trapped in the wrong thing, but also fear of being vulnerable and then abandoned and also, in my case, suffer in love and feel pain. Also, cause I feel so deep about people and I am pretty emotional when I leave my guard down and also I attach profoundly (when I do not avoid it), to be able to trust and open myself fully (I think I actually never did) it's such a vulnerable place to be for me and at least until now, when I attach, it takes years to heal after. So, sometimes I am like - I need a lot of time and do not feel like going thru it again, it's so much easier to just stay single. I am actually very happy single. :)) But well I guess I cannot and do not want to stay on the side forever. I have to go there and risk, so I can really live love. And once I heal, all these fears will be just that: fears, and more in the past. They just paint a picture out of hurt, this picture it is not real.

[@jamesjimmy4767]

You always bring me to tears Shining light on all my darkest fears And recollections that really pierce. But when confronting demons fierce I'd rather have understanding from seers Than run from the pain over a couple of beers. Thank you, for being a blessing to your peers.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

wow that's amazing. Thank you for sharing, pure poetry :) -PDS team member

[@heatherharvey2558]

*sighs* that trust wound is such a hurdle. The whole pandemic (plus a nice helping of governmental instability) doesn't really help. But the work must be done, right? So on we go with as much grace and patience as is humanly possible.

[@dory270]

...choosing to be vulnerable for me. Loved that

[@kellygaitten1551]

I am so happy to have found PDS and Thais Gibson! I am working so hard and healing! I am dating a man who is FA and your video speaks to exactly where we are right now. I don't want to analyze him. This is so helpful in understanding him and making sure I don't get triggered in the process. He's open and communicative. Step one. You have changed my life and I am so grateful!

[@StKrane]

This video felt like a hug! 🤗🧡 Thank you so much! 🧡

[@nachogoatcheese1761]

Tbh, the words around "reprogramming" kinda hits me in the "not a real person" spot.

[@melindajoy111]

Could you please do a video on how to ask for what you need as a FA? When you spoke about feeling like as a Fa that you can’t get your needs met, I felt that at my core immediately.

[@95turbogirl1980]

This. I feel like I don't know how to ask for what I need and then I resent my needs not being met and it sucks

[@mathews0618]

I think whats also challenging is how much they keep inside and what they try to appear to be on the outside.

[@Rhawn246]

Thais you are a godsend! I so appreciate you and your work!

[@sosomuse9122]

Thank you spot on I will choose to be vulnerable for myself not for the reaction I want to get

[@MarionFiedlerMusic]

Thanks for your diligent work and the effort to better people's lives!

[@nb5346]

Gratitude Thais, I’m really appreciative of your KZbin videos.

[@becca9140]

when you said "it's your responsibility, but it's not your fault" i started crying. my ex always made me feel like the bad guy because i show my love in different ways. i always felt terrible about who i am and how i love. i couldn't figure out why i couldn't just be normal.

[@booe34]

Sorry to hear that. I would do the work and in the future, discuss with your partner about his needs. He may be anxious and need you to show affection in a way that may be foreign to you. I think a little goes a long way. I had to regretfully walk away from an FA because she was unable to communicate and the whole situation was toxic for me.

[@Wait---What]

I watched this so I could understand someone better & give them grace & understanding on why they do things…then it made me think why can’t I give that same grace to myself on when I get triggered & become hateful towards myself.

[@LavenderHazelwood]

Yes. All of those fears. All of them.

[@infinitybassuk]

This hits so hard. When I heard the list of FA's "fears" being read.. I broke down. 😔

[@victorizannasmr9411]

Having this attachment style sucks. I want to heal, yet I don't because I don't want to be vulnerable and I definitely don't believe people are safe and can't imagine someone not eventually abandoning me.

[@kelliebruce9452]

Oh me too! I just ended another relationship tonight. I feel relieved yet sad all at the same time. I so much want to be healed and have a nice easy and happy relationship. I want to open up and show my emotions. But then I don’t as it scares the crap out of me. I don’t want to be vulnerable ever. Healing that feels to painful to do.

[@fadass88]

Your content has changed my life. FA moving to secure. All of this makes more and more sense to me over time, and through the implementation of it. Thank you so much

[@OTurkey24]

Def a lot of negative thinking cycles that get us stuck in our thoughts and keep us from move forward especially when you are female and expecting the man to pursue

[@freedom768]

Thank you for sharing, I've just done a test about emotional issues , fearfull avoidance this me right now , am trying too heal from narcissis abuse this is going to help, thank you, while listening to your words I can breathe easier ,this is what am going too work with fearfull avoidance for a better relationship with myself, many thanks.

[@EmpressMedussa]

It’s crazy because as an FA one of my love languages is gifts & I love giving but I never am on the receiving end.

[@Crows_before_bros]

Don’t give up.

[@nainafavs]

Thank you so so much Thais! This video was an emotional roller-coaster for a healing FA like myself.. I see a light at the end of tunnel because of your amazing work ❤️ Could you please also do a video on how FAs can ruminate over situations and prepare for future events in their head? I feel like that takes up a lot of my head space and energy, as a result I feel more exhausted at the end of the day. What can I do to relax a bit more and not foster the need to have battle-plan ready for every single situation in my head? X

[@Fandoms4Life]

Omg this would be so useful!!

[@anewchapter1336]

Oh this is so me as well. I really need help with this too.

[@chrishatcher9239]

We wouldn't be so anxiously attached if y'all weren't so fearfully avoidant. I've gone down the rabbit hole of studying attachment theory after a painful breakup. Very fascinating...... and heartbreaking. Knowing it's not their fault helped me a lot.

[@2KChilds]

True, but the flip side of that is just as viable; we wouldn't be so fearful and avoidant if you wouldn't so anxiously try to attach. It's like we're in the deep end of a pool; no one ever taught us how to swim; when we've nearly drowned, we had to save ourselves; people have gotten rough and tried to push our heads under; we're barely treading water - and now another bad swimmer doggy paddles over, franticly clings to us, and we panic because we're going under - and we are not strong enough to save two people. So we pull away and swim to the side just to catch our breath and feel safe, but when we look back, here they come again, so we just leave the pool altogether and decide that maybe swimming is just not worth the risk and stress. Both people need to take the time in the shallow end to become stronger, consistent swimmers before they head out to the deep end.

[@TheAsmaahmed]

True... my FA partner made me AA... i was secure before i got into this relationship...

[@ambivalent11]

This hit home

[@random55912]

Just listening to this triggered me... the I needed a snack 😅

[@underthesignofthemoon]

Thank you thais, you're helping me.

[@keriotoole1251]

Sooo accurate for me! The narratives are painful when they feel so subconscious sometimes. Can an FA become secure while being in a relationship??

[@grrlinglasses]

Thank you Thais. Definitely needed to hear this. 🌞

[@leasah1197]

I am more comfortable with vulnerability. The story telling is what I have a hard time with. Particularly if not able to communicate due to circumstance.

[@laurrelei]

Please please please can you put that on Spotify in your podcast? I wanna share it as much as I can!

[@semiprecious007]

I just want to say that you are amazing Thais, and you deserve everything beautiful and amazing that you want and experience in life ✨❤️✨ Thank you for your work that you put out here so passionately, thank you for your love and compassion - you are a true inspiration for me who have the same ambition to help others too ✨❤️🙏🏻✨

[@wordsretainpower6250]

The amount of anger i have towards my narcissistic parents for causing this in me is beyond words.

[@jsnldn]

this video was painful to watch at times. but insightful. thanks Thais

[@vtchevalier]

You’re the best Thais thanks for this

[@rowenafigueroa7096]

All I can say is I love u, thais. I hope you can reach more people. Thank u so much!

[@Deshanae825]

Wow I’ve never related so much to a video. This is amazing and I didn’t realize these things about myself but I could related to all you said. This gives me hope to do the work and reprogram. Thank you so much for your amazing videos! God bless you! ☺️

[@koala01111986]

All of these happen when I care so much, otherwise if the feelings are not as strong, it's way less scaring and the need to run away and disappear forever is not as present as if I care too much.

[@DD-ic1bd]

Your deep FA understanding and speaking to and for us is so incredibly helpful, thank you!❤

[@lisa4cohen]

This is fabulous ❤

[@tulip5210]

Thank you Ms. Gibson.

[@rowanblundell6917]

Video actually begins at 1:50

[@37goodvibes]

oh my goodness. it's like you are inside my brain!

[@bettinac5670]

This is such an important series, thank you.

[@arvinsim]

Truly thank you for this. It makes me feel seen.

[@Sleeping_Wolf]

Your school is wonderful, it was helped me so much!!! Thank you 🙂

[@suzannem8265]

My big Takeaway was communicate your needs, is there a video on figuring out what your needs are? I’ve supplemented mine for so long I have no idea what they are...

[@uma4884]

U r super Thais....God bless u for changing lives !!!

[@henryzhao4622]

Funny that FAs flock being reinjured whereas I’ve been betrayed by an FA before and yet I try again with a different FA - and I in fact get reinjured. LMFAO

[@starlightbright]

I’m so triggered by fearful avoidants. I’m learning about them to heal the hurt that they’ve inflicted on me.

[@starlightbright]

I’m also a fearful avoidant. Lol

[@IanRoyball128]

Thanks!

[@IanRoyball128]

🎶 please continue 🎶

[@abhinavgupta2435]

@Thais - can you make a video about dating a person diagnosed with bipolar disorder (esp bp2d)

[@DD-ic1bd]

I just took your advice and communicated to someone i had been assumimg and building resentment towards... i completely had my assumptions WRONG!!🤦‍♀️ Finding there IS a way to positively, lovingly, communicate needs, boundaries, clarity, without giving up our self respect, or showing neediness,.. which is so important to FA's, lol.. thank you again for all of your wonderful understanding and advice!❤

[@saeedahmed63]

Thank you babe ❤️💜

[@annadenise2645]

That's the reason fa's usually blow up or hide and blow up inside them self we don't know how to deal with whats going on

[@tdwilliams232]

Amazing! Thank you

[@nelacivic1950]

We both left!

[@MsBettyboo01]

10:40 onwards. Also I hate when others get my character/intentions wrong or challenge my every opinion I feel controlled but mostly unable to stand by my beliefs so I end up betraying myself and agreeing with the other person. I also seem to attract people that are arrogant and difficult

[@ladyenfamouz]

Saw your comment and I can totally relate. I recently got into a situation where I expressed myself and I was essentially taunted, dismissed, guilt tripped and everything in between. Relationship seems to be over now, but it’s the most excruciating experience when you clearly speak up for yourself/motivations and then you’re essentially invalidated. Like, hello… I’m talking? I guess I’m learning to stand by my words - even if I have to stand alone.

[@DiamondsRexpensive]

​@@ladyenfamouzI stand alone, but I'm standing. I think that's beautiful.

[@jyotikadam8459]

Thank you for the video

[@andreflores7611]

My Ex partner is like this, why is it so hard loving someone like this ?why is it so hard having to prove yourself all the time? Why do they sabotage something beautiful? Why can’t they contact and just say sorry because everything can be fixed... working together is the foundation of something beautiful.

[@KYRA_FX]

We can if you're a safe person

[@6maria94]

I believe I'm a FA of 28 yo and I'm in my 1st relationship. 6 months now. The hardest for me is that I'll literally make up theories about him being the worst thing a person could be. The first time I thought he was a closeted gay (that wouldn't be bad, it would just hurt me), then I started getting paranoid about other stuff, like him being a narcissist, him being sexual with his cat, and other stuff so bad I won't even share. It took me a lot of introspection and talking with him to be calmer about these theories. It was also not the first time I was paranoid about someone. I have done it with my father and brother before, so before running, I considered if it wasn't my brain doing stupid stuff with him aswell. What I believe to be the trigger is that my partner is quite tense and anxious, so he won't express a lot with his body, and this triggers my need for always controlling and reading the room. And if I can't read it, I go crazy. That was also the trigger with my father and brother. They are not open with their feelings because my mother makes them feel bad when they are. Tbh, me and bf were on the verge of breaking up last week. Being paranoid for months on a row, feeling sad and anxious, not trusting him and all that added, and I'm not really sure about what I feel anymore. But I spoke with him. He's also anxiously attached, so his fear of abandonment will sometimes trigger him and he'll use manipulation. I've been teaching him about manipulation, and its triggers, so that by understanding he will find healthy ways to communicate his insecurities. The truth is that now, after we talked about breaking up, something changed in him, and he decided to fight more for himself rather then pressuring me, so he is more open, both in body language and in mind. Not only that, but I sent him a few videos about healthy communication, and he is putting an effort with all of them, and I think he understands me better now, and with him being more open with his feelings also helps me not being triggered. I don't know if we reached a point of no return, before this. Idk if the positive feelings will flourish again, but things have been better lately, I was happy this weekend, and I think I like the improvements for now, and I'll like them more with time. But I have also understood that I'm not supposed to be his emotional teacher through all. Last week I watched a video about stating needs, but a partner arguing with all they have offered. The video said "You might give me all those reasons to why my needs shouldn't be valid, but I have my reality, and my reality is that I am unhappy, and that this isn't enough". That video was an eyeopener for me. I am happy with where I am right now. If I slide down to being unhappy again, then I know what to do. Im also planning on attending a therapist regarding my intrusive paranoid thoughts. I believe that is very alarming.

[@LeeChrissy]

I completely understand the paranoid intrusive thoughts!! I wouldn't say mine go in the same direction as yours, but I know the feeling of creating situations in your mind that aren't there. I've seen my partner do this too so I didn't feel crazy. Lol A couple of things that have helped is daily meditation and another is this TikTock I saw once that said "Next time you have an intrusive thought, take it to the judge. If there's no proof and it's not 100% true, make the thought disappear." The "judge" is obviously a metaphor, but I'll tell you that this has helped tremendously! As soon as my brain produces a thought based on an assumption, I immediately say out loud "nope it's not true go away" and I refuse to allow it to infest my brain. I have a friend who's currently creating baseless scenarios in her head right now and it's hard for me to even talk to her because it's all in her head. She actually told me this whole situation about someone she cares about and it was very detailed so I asked who told her all of this and she said no one, she just put it together. Now that I'm healing, I think back to all of the shit my brain used to cook up and I'm almost embarrassed. Just something to try. Good luck. 💗

[@6maria94]

@@LeeChrissy thank you! I've been looking for a therapist now. I can't trust my judgement these days

[@louisefairbrother8840]

Loved this ❤️

[@calumdavey3260]

Thanks for these videos, I have learned a huge amount. How do you think the concept of FA is related to the concept of co-dependency? I identify with many of the FA characteristics and a also of co-dependency (from CoDA literature). Interested in your thoughts!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/lWmwfZJ7gaihsM0 and kzbin.info/www/bejne/a3XVcqBnh5ila7c hope this helps! -PDS team member

[@kali697]

All of this makes me feel hopeless and helpless. We’re all fucked forever. Settling for shallow relationships and no one is getting the love they want or deserve. That’s what I’m getting from watching the videos.

[@Crows_before_bros]

No. I’m secure, but have some anxiety due to past experiences as an adult. My partner is FA. This has helped me figure out what he hasn’t been able to tell me, despite I realized retroactively his having sort of told me pretty directly. I just didn’t put all the pieces of the puzzle together. We’ve had minimal problems due to his having worked on his FA style in therapy and now that I know what he needs and have an idea of how hellish relationships are for him despite his clearly real desire for connection…I am certain we will do even better.

[@hhholly]

Thank you Thais 👩🏻👁👄👁

[@rosterdam7198]

Thank you so much Thais

[@beyondallreason-du4pq]

It has affected my life..even when studying or trying something new..I can't fully trust anything..its 50 50

[@MellowBellow1]

Hey Thais, can you talk a bit about the projection that occurs to a partner of an FA? When an anger storm happens over a benign trigger and the partner gets blamed, even though the partner has not caused the trigger. Or is this an abuse dynamic from the FA? The FA gets triggered about having the triggers noted and explained because they have ANOTHER trigger about being “broken “. So the FA won’t take responsibility for the initial rage storm at the partner. I hope this makes sense. (Fear of abandonment creating a self fulfilling prophecy or repetition compulsion to abandon ).

[@msharic85]

Yes, I understand this!!

[@arielradford6698]

That's the video I've been waiting for!! One to help them understand how they make their partners feel. I haven't found one yet.

[@arielradford6698]

I actually just found a video that realistically describes the pain and frustration the partner feels that are left out of these videos. kzbin.info/www/bejne/Y5SpnmpqaJx7ers

[@summitjunkie11]

I am an FA that is going thru a recent breakup. It seems everyone talks about most FA breakups are initiated by the FA but my boyfriend broke up with me because of my walls I would put up as a defense mechanism. It was only five months in but heart breaking none the less. I was so vulnerable for the first time. Too much to ask for someone to hold that emotional space for me?