Why Dismissive Avoidants Often Leave Relationships At 6 Months of Dating | Core Wounds

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In this video, Thais Gibson offers 3 reasons why the dismissive avoidant attachment style often leaves a relationship at the 6-month mark and how this can impact your dating life. For more information check out the relevant course above on emotional mastery and belief reprogramming to become securely attached and heal your dismissive avoidant attachment style so you can thrive in romantic relationships and more!
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:00:18 - The Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style
00:00:53 - Reason #1: Fear of Vulnerability
00:03:58 - Reason #2: Struggle To Understand Emotional Connection
00:05:08 - Reason #3: Core Wounds Around Feeling Trapped & Helpless
00:05:37 - 7-Day Free Trial: Emotional Mastery Course
00:08:18 - Conclusion
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel, and thank you for stopping by!
This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll receive an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.
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[@amber2212]

On point, Thais. My ex left at the 6 month mark, just more or less said "I'm breaking up with you" and then blocked me. It's been 6 months since then and last week he reached back out. He admitted that he left because things were "going too good" and he gets skiddish. I have brought up attachment theory in the past, I'm anxious and have been working on it for quite awhile. He has always been (surprise, surprise) dismissive of the idea, saying things like "ok mom 🙄". He still does, but when we sat down a week ago I asked him if he ever read or watched anything I sent him. He said he did and he thinks I'm right. I briefly explained avoidant attachment from a 3rd person perspective, trying not to put the label on him and asked him if he thinks that's right. Surprisingly he opened up about two painful childhood experiences that he related to what I was saying. I have never clicked with someone on so many levels like I do with him. I am hopeful that someday he will work on these issues so maybe we can try again. I'm not really willing to give it another go without significant change though, which makes me sad.

[@hannaheye]

You sound very healthy!

[@LeeChrissy]

That's awesome that he was willing to watch them and share his past. ❤ It's not easy for them. My ex DA acknowledged that he shuts down amongst other issues but would just say this is who he is and he's never going to change. Funny enough, he actually started to change...on his own time-line and terms. I think he just feels like people are trying to control and change him rather than trying to work together as a team. Him and I split again after 6 months for the 3rd and likely the last time. He's definitely my person and I will always love him, but we just can't seem to communicate in a way that doesn't make the other one run. Bottom line, I don't like the way it makes me feel anymore. So now I'm in PDS and just healing. ❤

[@jacopofbargellini4005]

wish you the best but be prepared for the worst

[@amber2212]

@@hannaheye thank you. I said I'm anxious but I've been working on this for a long time, I think now I'm secure with anxious tendencies. That's probably why I have the strength to walk away. It's still not easy, the intermittent reinforcement of getting needs met still makes it difficult. I have done what I can, I've led the horse to water, so to speak. It's up to him to drink, I can't make him do it. He really wants to be a father someday so I'm hoping that will be his motivation to heal his childhood wounds.

[@amber2212]

@naldec1111 similar experience as you. We were long distance and due to work schedules, he had promised from the beginning that I would get his 2 weekends off per month. I was happy with that arrangement, but then by month 3 I was only seeing him one weekend per month. I tried to address this in a "my needs aren't getting met. This isn't me against you, it's us against the problem, how can we fix this?" kind of way. He just shut down, kept saying "right, and I'm the problem". Directly after that he pulled back on communication as well, which communication is obviously especially important in a LDR. He does seem to be making some progress on his own as well, like yours. He is clearly listening this time since he is bringing up painful childhood wounds that could be related. He is very avoidant, and I'm not a therapist. I have encouraged him to work with a therapist to sort it out. I have my doubts that he ever will though. I know what you mean, the highs are great but the lows are awful. It's not healthy to keep going back to the same thing without change. People treat you how you allow them to, you know? And by going back, you're disrespecting yourself. It's easier said than done, I know. Dozens of times over those 6 months I should've left and I didn't. I just kept thinking "but our first date was so perfect, it was truly like a fairy tale." I kept chasing a high I never really got again. I wish you the best and I hope you find success here. I have never personally done her course, but I have seen many positive things on r/attachment_theory.

[@you-vi2tm]

I got left in 3 relationships in a row at 6 months mark! I dated 3 men for 3 years straight from August to January and got dumped always in January! Now I have had partner over 2 years. 💛

[@byronstjames]

My DA ex started shutting down completely in the 5th month. I brought it up, it was dismissed, but she continually did everything she could to make me feel unwelcome and distant. When I finally raised the fact that I thought something was going on, that was the catalyst for the end conversation. It was cold and horrible, typical DA really. I felt pretty stuck, I didn't want to break up and let a lot of things slide because her father passed away suddenly three months into our relationship, and the last thing I wanted to do was burden her with anything further emotional (I knew she was a DA). I'm 2 months into no contact and have just been focusing on myself, which has been pretty successful. I do, however, still think about her every day. I am hoping no contact works and she reaches out.... but I don't think she will. It hurts a lot.

[@DoomKid]

It’s been long enough to attempt contact, in my experiences. There’s a coin toss chance she may be regretting how it went (though of course there’s the chances she’s already moved on) but frankly you’ll never know if you don’t send some small sort of line, and she will likely assume you also have moved on.

[@TheRealSlimshadyyyyyy]

Don’t do this.. it’s just further chasing and desperation

[@imsocorkyy]

My DA ex definitely began to freak out by our 6/7 month mark. Suddenly, he was ignoring me most of the day. And by 8 months, he was very distant and stopped apologizing for it, but kept saying they were happy with me. It made me, a FA that has become more secure, get anxious. I had to leave. 🙃 I couldn’t ever do that again.

[@KerryNeeds]

Same, except they shifted around the 5/6 month mark. I got increasingly anxious and it led to out of behavior character from me. I had to leave even though I never wanted to.

[@ZhengSW]

Ok! Note to self, if you suspect you're dating a DA, leave THEM before 6 months LOL

[@flagirl0315]

More like don’t date them at all. Isn’t worth it trust me

[@SS-in1ts]

Lol!

[@michaeldulsky8492]

Are DA's Fucking Kidding me? They are IMPOSSIBLE!!! They don't know if they're coming or going and if they're coming don't know if they're staying. 🤷 WTF??????? Don't mess with them. Fuckin' RUN 🏃‍♀️

[@saharaofthedeep]

That's mean

[@MO-ss5mj]

​ shouldn't spread their trauma to others

[@christophernash8166]

Yeah, my dismissive avoidant left at the six month mark.

[@1974Lozza]

Left at 4 months. Came back, left again 8 months later, came back, left for good a year later.

[@aaronjay606]

Literally couldn’t have made this video at a better time. We broke 2 weeks before our 6 months. I’m trying to learn to understand her but it hurts. I’m the AP, she’s the DA.

[@joykorshiwor699]

Mine 5 months. I'm still pleading with him though it's so embarrassing. I didn't understand him first and I was constantly confused about how he likes me. I broke up with him thinking he doesn't like me because of his hurtful behaviours (availability). Now I know. I want us to give a try again but he is unresponsive.

[@joykorshiwor699]

You are a man. It's very normal for you to reach. I'm AP with an DA

[@macys196]

​@@joykorshiwor699I'm in the same position. He broke up with me after 6 months. I'm AP and he's DA. I didnt understand him at the time and the way he loved but now that I get it I wish to explain it to him but he's making it very hard to meet up. As if meeting up during our relationship wasn't hard enough. It's 100x harder now that we r broken up

[@joykorshiwor699]

@@macys196 OMG saaame😂. It hurts most at times but it fascinates me as well. I'm like how on earth will a human be this way🤣

[@LeeChrissy]

@@joykorshiwor699 Ughh I'm so sorry. I'm a FA who swings drastically AP and DA so I can see things on both sides. I have advice for you and Macy196 if you want to hear it. Just lay back in silence and work on yourselves. I know that anxious urge to want to reach out and have them hear what you have to say to try and fix things, but continuously reaching out is the opposite of what you should be doing. That would freak my avoidant side out and push you further away. If you aren't part of Thais's Personal Development School, I highly recommend trying it out. It's free for 7 days. Honestly it's the best thing I ever did for myself. I have a DA ex who I desperately want to reach out to as well, but I'm not. I'm working on me so I'm a healthier version of myself if I decide to step back into this. 💗

[@CookieH14]

My DA pulled completely away at the end of the 5th month mark. Right after we came back from a wonderful, blissful trip together. I am floored. I had to walk away. The emotional roller coaster was too much for my Anxious Attachment style to handle.

[@LeeChrissy]

I'm FA and he's DA...maybe a little FA too and we pretty much both do this. He's got such a poor view on relationships because he's never really had a healthy one and pretty much throws out sabotaging words in the middle of loving me. I pick up on everything and will dissect it. 😅 It only takes him saying a few things in the 4 to 6 month cycle before I approach him and say something...usually all at once...and then he shuts down and so do I. I used to reach out and try to make it work, but I can't do it anymore. I don't get sad like I used to either. After 3 cycles, I pretty pretty much feel defeated and accept that we just can't get on the same page. It sucks and I hate it because the love is beautiful and warm. But my anxiety level is off the charts after the honeymoon phase each time. We keep ending up in the same exact place because we never talk about anything that can potentially stress him out, and if a meaningful relationship with me...the woman he loves...is that stressful, then it's best we just leave it alone. 💔

[@KerryNeeds]

Resonate with this 😢

[@kahtnipp]

Thank you for being here and all that you do.

[@gurlycash7394]

My relationships always end around 6 months to an end. I usually burn out. I don't know how to ask for my needs and wants so I become the "I'll do it myself" person and relationships are so draining to me. I don't know what this is but I'm tired of doing this

[@justmegee88]

Its a very confusing dynamic.. at first I thought he had narcissistic tendencies, he dumped me into the 4th month..I was floored but He came back after 2 weeks..He then dumped me 6 weeks later for 6 weeks and each time he blamed me for some imaginary thing that he accused me of (projecting) - we got back together and he made ALL sorts of promises..He would do therapy - come off the dating site etc. We had a fantastic month where he was the most loving man (except for emotional intimacy) We were getting along and he was tactile again, except in the bedroom with emotional intimacy. Then out of the blue he AGAIN told me that he had no loving feelings for me (having shown me his form of love by doing things for me) I've blocked him... as much as I love him I cannot continue this way. He knows he can find help thru therapy but Im not holding his hand. I am heartbroken because he truly is a wonderful man but he has done this to soo many women. I wish him the very best- when he finds help a lucky woman will have a wonderful man.

[@Nika-je6zd]

Key words "he has done this to soo many women...". Yes, they have a pattern, and they know it, yet they choose to do nothing about it and keep hurting new partners. Sad, but walking away is the only healthy option.

[@jacopofbargellini4005]

She said to me " i leave you because i am not able to give you what you crave, and this make me feel so bad" ( imagine my feelings about). By the way, that was after six months

[@ZhengSW]

That's exactly what my DA would say to me during our 1st breakup! "I hope you can find someone who can give you the closeness that you need"

[@tmango1906]

Same thing happened to me then she came back and left again after 2 months. I never experienced a DA so I didn’t know how to handle it but now im well versed on how DA move. Life lessons

[@janeharris6734]

I had the same experience. He said he can't give me the relationship I want and he is not ready for a relationship. I was hoping he would want to work on why he feels that way.

[@ZhengSW]

@@janeharris6734 I can't believe how accurate this is for DAs. She told me she doesn't want a relationship dozens of times. It's refreshing to know that this is the subconscious fears of a DA that have been programmed since they were less than 2 years old.

[@janeharris6734]

@@ZhengSW Absolutely. I understand his fears, but it still hurts. I told him about his attachment style, in his defense, my communication was a bit off, so probably triggered his "I am defective" wound. I was hoping we could both work ourselves while in relationship. 🤔

[@roshalllambert]

love the explanation of feelings minus fears and fear of vulnerability!!

[@jennjohnson1870]

You & your school have given me more healing & insight than any other modality. Thank you ♡

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Has this been your experience? Let us know in the comments below:

[@shirleyhinze3472]

This behavior doesn't change as they get older. My ex is 73 (I'm 67)never married and now I've learned he's done this with multiple women over the yrs. He always hooks up with another, out of the are b 4 he walks. He sure Blindsided me When I asked him if he couldn't *feel* my frustration, he simply replied with no expression "not really". I had no idea what red flags are, even tho my intuition told me something was off about him Being I was new to the community I didn't know ppl who knew him well until after he ended the relationship. Had I, the relationship would not have happened. I believe he's not only a DA but has other psychosis. He used me for other things he needed done too. It's important to include my experience as it's not just younger ppl dating who can get hooked by a person like this. Until I found you, I was left trying to figure out what the heck happened, the why. I'm the lucky one. For me the misery rollercoaster ride is over. For his new gal it's just beginning. TY for providing the info I needed to start my healing journey. Knowledge is power

[@LeeChrissy]

​​@@shirleyhinze3472hank you for pointing out that they don't change as they get older. (Unless they do the work of course ❤) I'm in my early 40's, but have a couple of friends in their 60's who (like me) still get attached to unavailable men. I joined PDS because even though I prefer being single and rarely accept dates, I don't want to be blindsided again. I feel I'll be able to navigate this much better if I am less FA and more secure.

[@bethanypeacock]

Mild DAs yes, but higher level DAs will have barely scratched the surface of 'dating' before reaching the 6 month mark.

[@gregorystinette8271]

This doesn't apply to me because my dog is securely attached to me. WOOF

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

@@LeeChrissy good luck! Thank you for sharing :)

[@nicoleharris1130]

OMG. If I’d have had this knowledge a month or two ago, I’d have been so much more understanding…

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

All we can do is become aware and know for next time ❤

[@gregmm001]

Definitely happened between the 5-6 month mark for me and my DA

[@glennakiovideo]

It was hard to see because my relationship ended after a year and a half of objectively smooth interactions until last month when she broke up with me and wanted to be friends. I think it was because I had a majority secure attachment style and leaned to anxious tendencies prior to the breakup as she stonewalled, distanced, and ultimately said its not going to work out when a talk can be there to clear some tense air that hasn't happened before. Pretty much a strong extended honey-moon phase of promises but the seriousness of the relationship now likely scared her. We are I guess friends but she in that hot and cold type of interaction and I'm relatively connected to her circle of close friends and family (who are also surprised how this happened) so this healing process for me has been rough for about a month and a half now. Hardest part is that my own circle has been small if not nonexistent (thanks to Covid and family loses), building that circle is hard while grieving and we are NOT in a no contact dynamic because her circle of friends and family do genuinely enjoy me and understand my situation to an extent but I shouldn't bring conversations of her in it to compromise them further. Kinda just stuck messaging my therapist navigating those lonely nights when those supports are not available for me :/

[@DobermanDanK9]

Even though my context is more of a situationship, I completely get where you're coming from. Her family became really close, enjoyed interactions, and supported me.. It felt like even though the relationship with them was progressing, the relationship with the situationship (Potential DA, hasn't done the test) hit a stand still and within a week, had closed it all down and was seeing a new person behind the scenes. Obviously, yours is much longer duration than mine, but how would you describe yourself after it all? I would say mine felt like horrible grief. Grieving someone who is still alive, still contactable, but has completely dropped off the face of the earth. Stonewalled

[@MikeyAcesUp]

WOW, Im glad i found you. This is exactly what happened to me. Our breakup came out if nowhere. Then she used my opinions on things as not liking her. So over dramatic. The time-line almost marches up.

[@adammcinnes5615]

Thank you for these videos! It's really helping me to better understand my ex who is a DA (I am FA). I can see the traits, and it's like a textbook of what happened. At five months, things were going well in our relationship. She was opening up, she was starting to introduce me to her family, she was inviting me to spend time at her place and with her family, we were doing more in public places, and things were going really well. Then she disappeared from the relationship and started looking for reasons to break up. There was no fight, no obvious reason for ending, and I felt blindsided. I wish that I had known what was going on at the time and been able to talk with her about what was going on. Her and I are still friends, and we got talking about this stuff when we hung out this week. She didn't know that she is DA, and she doesn't like labels of any kind. Your advice about how she might be feeling hit the nail on the head, and I think that she might have started to see it in herself. I'm following your advice about how to repair the relationship between her and I. I don't know that her and I will get back together, and it definitely won't happen unless she is willing to commit to working on herself (and I am committed to working on myself), but going through this process is helping me to heal from what happened in our relationship and in my past.

[@Nerthus9]

Could you please define "vulnerability"? It seems everyone takes for granted what it means. But what does it really mean? And more importantly, does the experience of it pertain to the soul or to the ego? Ok "feelings minus fears". Fears are always of the ego. Feelings can be either or. I think we should work on this fundamental level, instead of ignoring it. Coaches often totally disregard the spiritual level.

[@theo8261]

To me it means having the courage to receive and connect to your deep core include the shadows you repressed and those painful emotions and be willing to accept the feelings. Be expressive about what’s going on

[@rubyanaya126]

Tysm.😊

[@brownsuga929]

I also saw on a thread where so many were saying it ended right at 2 yrs which is how mine disappeared. We havent spoke in 2 months. I believe i was always his phantom ex and he wanted to redo the past. I felt it. It hurts like nothing ive experienced. As a FA in the past ive ended things at 2 yrs or before also but i ended it. I didn't ghost or leave for no reason. It was always infidelity or something

[@eoKingNoodle]

FA here too, I've ended many relationships but also never ghosted or left for no reason, I always stuck around for a long long time, sometimes even years to see if it could get better.. I wish you the best on your healing journey!

[@brownsuga929]

@eoKingNoodle thank and same to you! I must say being with someone who showed up as a DA really allowed me to sew how I show up in many ways. It definitely hurt to know someone you've known for so long and who was genuinely happy to reunite with you, could just deny the pull away, then slow fade and finally disappear altogether. But hey, it's life. Take the lessons.

[@eoKingNoodle]

@@brownsuga929 I don't understand it either, the disappearing with no explanation, even if they themselves don't know why, wish they could express even just that and take some responsibility for that action, have some sort of talk so that the person they leave is not left to deal with the shock and confusion all alone. I am conflict shy but it is hard for me to fathom the level of conflict avoidance/fear needed for a DA to avoid having that conversation with a person that has shown nothing but care for them. Or is it about guilt, I wish I understood this :)

[@brownsuga929]

@eoKingNoodle cold and confusing. I truly empathize with them, but its ultimately cowardice. You can't have a solid foundation, repair, or build with someone who runs at the sign of further commitment, conflict, or intimacy/ vulnerability. You will adapt to them and abandon yourself. BUT bright side is we now know it's possible and can try out best to heal and avoid others in the future like this or being this way.

[@eoKingNoodle]

@@brownsuga929 I agree, for me it was a special situation because I live with my male best friend who according to the quiz is a DA leaning secure, which is weird as he is real cuddly and never runs from difficult conversations. When I came home from visiting the DA my room mate would always comfort me, hug me, hold me etc, and to me the contrast was sooo huge, that my room mate who does not even have any interest in me romantically could so easily give me so much closeness, when the DA I was trying with had no intimacy to give at all, and had a personal bubble several miles wide.. To experience this contrast again and again was very valuable to me, I do want a cuddly man, someone who actually reaches for me. And yeah we need someone with the emotional courage to weather the storms with us!

[@arturoperez2722]

I had an avoidant ex and the same happened. We did not last even a year dating (since we first met to the relationship breakup) and i noticed that the last long term relationship that an avidant has is a toxic one. I mean... It can happen at any time, not just by their childhood context (my ex gf actually had a relatively good relationship with her parents in her childhood, she literally showed me in videos and stuff). But she got in a relationship with an as***le that hit her, ignored her and cheated on her many times. That, i think, was the reason of her avoidant attachment. And then i came to her life, everything was going so freakin good, like... Not even a fight or something, and yet, she left me right when we were about to turn five month of the "formal" realtionship (we were planning a trip even). We were at the best, i'd say. It was like the first month of dating, not even an emotional tunroff or something due the ending of the "honey moon stage". It has been like four months since the breakup and i am corious to see what happens hahaha cause they say avoidants come back if the relationship was actually going good. (I do not know if i'd come back with her tho) We are very young, but it is interesting that she might got her attachment with one of her ex (she was 17, now she is 21)

[@wojo6212]

How’s it going now?

[@arturoperez2722]

@@wojo6212 still thinking about her, but just as a memory. I do not feel anything strong, but still... She is in my head.

[@danwilliamson1846]

I've noticed the pattern of my ex DA after being Discarded, 2 relationships before me lasted (4 months) then mine lasted (4 months) she was getting married 2021 called him a Stalker called the one after him a narcissist, was done with the one after him. (I made the list) she played victim. Noticed she jumps from one person to the next in quick succession, no room to process any breakup, suppressing those feelings. She uses the flattery n charm & I guess lying to the next one to deduce & manipule him into thinking she is secure. Further more I didn't know she was DA until she was triggered, the blame shifting, immaturity, Shame that this guy is going down the same rabbit hole the others and I did.

[@PoBoyRascal]

I made it 7.5 with one whoop whoop but she was the overachiever of course i cant take credit.. cept for took a hell of a grip and alot of love to hold on to the whipping post.. alcoholism mixed in there makes a cozy little environment..

[@onecompetive]

Thais! in a few words, you are really a leading expert, world-class! I think your work is a breakthrough, and I can't wait to meet a healthy person to be a healthy person with! ... but a couple of years ago, I learned about 'limerence' and you may have saved me years of suffering.... BUT PLEASE can you help us understand... what if the person of interest is also a 'covert narcissist' or borderline?... because now I see... the person I was in love ith, she wasn't just 'anxious preoccupied' or 'dismissive avoidant', she was a covert narcissist, with a long line of damaged people around! I was lucky she did not see me as a good source, and she was spitting me off... Because I was ripe to be abused at her will.

[@TheAlixir]

Oh great I’m worried to watch this… I’m right at 6 months with my DA

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@marciabravo7483]

My guy is a DA too. We are in the 6 months mark but we had a pause in between. Don't project on him this specific situation. People are different! Just try not to bring up serious conversations and stuff yet if you are comfortable with that! See the best of him, no fear, everything will work out! We got this! ❤

[@bendabney308]

Mine split unexpectedly and when we had a conversation about going to therapy together, my vulnerability spooked her and she stonewalled and said she needed to break up. No reason to point to and when I said I wasn't expecting that since we put boundaries on this talk of not making a decision on what to do because emotions would be high she got mad that I wasn't accepting what she needed or said. I was just blind sided and called out how we made an agreement on what today looked like. I hate it and I knowni did the work to set us up for success. She blinded herself and it sucks. If it fall apart it will be sudden

[@TheAlixir]

Didn’t last long… 7 months and I’m on day 3 of no contact. Although I’m the one who ended it. He crossed a non negotiable but I want him back already.

[@TheAlixir]

@@bendabney308 are you part of the PDS School? It’s extremely helpful.

[@anon_ya]

Does anyone find DAs will not introduce you to their friends or invite you to special events (bdays)? I was dating a DA for 6 months, who showed less and less investment over time. I brought up my needs a few times, which led to short term breakups, but he always rubber bands back to me with love-y texts and promises that he wants a commitment. Sadly, it starts to trail off as soon as we reunite after sex. Is this a DA or am I just a fool? 😅😢 This behavior feels like FA/DA to me, as he’s very expressive and present in person and appears anxious when I pull back. As soon as I am re-engaged, I notice him begin exhibiting DA tendencies (less text, less expression, sex focused). This is hurtful. I try to understand and be patient, but this relationship brings out my anxious side.

[@ew1258]

Not just friends but family as well.

[@Daisylovemj]

I had the same experience with my FA ex. Super hot and cold. When I stopped trying he wanted to get close but once I started to reciprocate he ran. The cycle kept repeating itself before we had the strength to break up for good 😢 I've been working on my DA attachment style since the breakup and I hope he's doing the same...

[@cm6zk]

Same… we’re not yet at the 3 month mark, but see each other almost every day. Never wants to be seen in public together. It’s almost like an anxiety to him which triggers me. Mine’s never wanted a commitment. And we seem to be going through the power phase early if that’s possible.

[@sifublack192]

As a DA, mine tend to end at the 10-12 month mark. Usually it's because I find we aren't compatible and don't share similar values. The exception was my 2 year relationship. I'm a big believer in having all your ducks in a row when it comes to relationships and looking back I'm glad I do. For example, I don't move in with anyone I'm not engaged to and I don't consider marriage before the 12-18 month mark. This helped because most of my exes discussed marriage at the 8 month mark and I always turned them down. Around month 10, I would see who they truly were and leave within 2-3 months of that proposal (or they'd leave me). My point here is that even with all those core wounds, there are ways to keep yourself protected in relationships as a DA without paying games.

[@thecurrentmoment]

Apparently there is a psychologically based "honeymoon" phase and it lasts for about 18 months to 2 years, so I think you are right on the money with that. Here in New Zealand people tend stay together for years before they get married. Getting married within a year sounds crazy to me, you barely know them and you likely haven't even integrated your lives that much

[@SS-in1ts]

I experienced this before as well

[@careitina1412]

Could any DA here explain what is their inner experience like,around that 6 mounths mark?( do they get bored/like the relationship is too heavy to carry on/ they miss another opportunities to be with other people? Etc)?

[@TheBadgerFactor]

I can only speak from my experience and you have to remember it depends on the partner as well but here goes: Usually during the first few months of meeting someone I click with Im head over heels for them. Im charming, loving, caring, and a very affectionate boyfriend. But at some point I'll start to feel like my life (hobbies, work, friends etc) are still more important. It starts to feel like Im the one giving and giving but my feelings and needs are not being discussed or even acknowledged and sometimes feels like my partners needs will override mine which leads to a sort of resentment. When the resentment builds I'll start to look for flaws in the partner and maybe even fantasise my future without them. Its a strange group of thoughts because deep down I know Im actually building feelings for them and maybe even love them but the honeymoon phase just doesn't feel super strong and to put it best, it feels "sober". It sometimes will also feel like Im not understood and that whenever I discuss my emotions, thoughts, opinions etc my partner doesn't truly understand me which leaves me feeling like Im not getting anything out of this partnership. Boredom may settle in. Ive been told that I'll be with my partner physically but at the same time to them it feels like Im not there emotionally when in reality I love being around them but I dont always have to talk or make them the centre of my attention. I recommend if you notice this in your partner who you suspect is a DA, its going to be extremely difficult, but give them space. Create a comfortable dialogue between you and your partner that if there is anything on their mind its safe to open up. DO NOT criticise them, blame them, or make the problem about you. Definitely tell them your feelings and express your thoughts but from my experiences if I did something wrong and didnt hear encouragement and was met with criticism it made me feel like "Whats the point, Im just gonna get criticised anyways". Try to understand your partner. If you show them love, support, and space they will give it back to you. As I said in the first sentence though it depends on the partner. Ive dated people who are anxious and it pushed me away fast. Whereas Ive dated secures who were okay with my autonomy, asked me questions, planned dates, and even tried to understand me without judgement and those relationships were amazing! It always felt I could be my true authentic self. And if you suspect you have anxious tendencies that has to be worked out and discussed as well.

[@careitina1412]

@@TheBadgerFactor Thank you very much for this detailed answer! I am FA leaning DA,so I wanted to see how much of my internal experience matches the text book DA' one. To me a romantic relationship feels like it HAS to be only highs and lows,otherwise,if everything is peaceful-I percieve them as a sibling.An unexplainable feeling that it must end,as if there is no more oxygen to breathe in the room(even with most perfect,non invasive partners) It is tiring.I want TO WANT one single person! Just as you don't get tired of your relatives or friends,and imagine having them around all your life- I would like to feel the same for a romantic partnet.

[@eoKingNoodle]

@@TheBadgerFactor Really appreciate this, also matches what I've heard DAs I know say about their previous relationships. Thank you for providing this!

[@cm6zk]

@@TheBadgerFactorm Anxious who became more secure, but now I’m currently in a relationship with a DA. I’ve never been with a DA before and it’s bringing out my anxiety since about the 5-6 week mark. We’ve been seeing each other for almost 3 months. I have found myself in a situationship unintentionally… which I also have never been in before. We’re older… he’s 63 and I’m 57, and I feel him getting frustrated with me a lot. It’s almost like we’re in the power struggle phase already. At times we seem so close and connected and other times distant. He opens up at times with past emotional hurts sometimes, but tries to make it seem like it’s no big deal. I listen. Btw… he is a very masculine male and I am a very feminine woman, fyi. We’ve known each other all our lives as we’re from the same small town and I just recently moved back a year and a half ago. I feel like I don’t know how to navigate this phase with him. Any suggestions? I also feel like I need to mention that I most always let him initiate contact first and try to give him plenty of space. When he pulls back, I pull back. He’s never pulled back longer than 12 hours, probably. He most always texts me good morning, texts occasionally throughout the day, a call or 2 during the day/evening and I see him almost every night, but he will not make definite plans with me until last minute.

[@TheBadgerFactor]

@@careitina1412 Of course! Happy to help. Rather than condemning DAs I'd like people to try and understand them better. One thing though that might make me stand out is what you said about the relationship being "peaceful" and you tend to panic. I do have quite a secure mentality with a shadow of DA but I actually love it when a relationship is peaceful. In fact its when I feel most comfortable. It is understanable about being around the same person everyday. No matter how much you love your job or hobbies you still need a day off to rest from it. I think Autonomy in any relationship regardless of attachment style is a good thing. Even when you see videos of couples who have been together for 20+ years they say the secret is giving each other space and being apart.

[@dianneciresi7208]

I was with a dismissive avoidant who discarded me, ghosted then a few months later he met a fairly tall blonde online, he was 5'11, she's around 5'7 or 5'8, dated for a month then he had her move in with him... It's 4 mths since then so I don't know if he's really a dismissive cause he posted on his FB page "he was never loved more" ( meaning from her I assume, then a week later says "he's never been so in love" after being in 2 past ex marriages then saying she's his fiancé. Go figure.. that has to be infatuation (honeymoon) stage. Can't wait til the reality sets in & his Dark side comes into being that I experienced after knowing him for 2 a half yrs. We weren't together a lot as he put me in the so called "friendzone "..

[@sheliasmith2884]

You already know what's going to happen he will get triggered and distance himself and she won't know what hit her.now if she has low self esteem or co dependent she may stay and be miserable. THEY don't have the capacity to make an effort love or anything in a relationship so sit back and wacth they love to put on a fake mask but it will fall off its a cycle so sad.

[@flagirl0315]

@@sheliasmith2884yes they are addicted to the high of the new. I find many DAs are addicts. Whether it’s workaholics, alcohol, or any other distraction. Relationships are also an addiction

[@komakino0]

Is this similar for FAs? Just broke up near 6 months...

[@Ckyt572]

My DA left me after 2 months of dating. He said "I like you but I can't see us succeding long term, I feel it in my gut", and disappeared. I'm still devastated, it's so painful because we really liked each other.

[@LeeChrissy]

I'm sorry you're hurt. You may not see it now, but it's actually a good thing that they were honest and upfront. If you read a lot of the stories from this community you'll read so many that are either strung along or given false hope for years. It doesn't hurt any less I'm sure. 😢

[@Ckyt572]

@@LeeChrissy thanks. I think he has feelings for me but he won't reach out, it's been 2 months of no contact and he's in a dating app again. He was very avoidant in the last weeks, I didn't know about his attachment, he said that something was off and he couldn't understand why but I know the answer now, too late :(

[@eoKingNoodle]

Mine also left after a few months due to feeling it in his gut! I'd never been dumped with that reasoning before! He said his gut is always right and he had to trust it, after that there was no changing his mind. I am so sorry you went through this as well :( BIG hugs, stay strong!

[@Ckyt572]

@@eoKingNoodle thanks :) I'm trying to breathe every day and move on. I've read other comments that sometimes they say this "gut" thing. I thought we'd keep in touch but nope, no contact after that. Did he reach out?

[@eoKingNoodle]

@@Ckyt572 We've remained friends for now, it's been almost a half year since he dumped me. I still really love him, he keeps on dating, looking for the one. It's not easy. I think he could easily go on without my friendship, I mean if I went no contact he wouldn't come looking for me, but for now we have some kind of friendship, hard to describe. Having had that friendship period after has allowed me to better see that I couldn't really live with him longterm even if I would've gotten him, and that makes it a bit easier. I think often they dump us right when things are at their best so we're left in shock and confusion and didn't get to know them well enough or get enough time with them to naturally see our own interest start to fade. Now every morning I both really miss him and am equally relieved I am not his girl at the same time. Keep taking the best care of yourself, find things to make you laugh if you can, that helped here :) All the best!

[@mikeblache3661]

I dated my friends 8 years ago till she gohsted me but we stayed friendswith each other on Face book we started hanging around again in early June and had an great summer just casual dating I was thinking things were going well..till September were she began pulling away and ghosting me ..I asked why and she said because I was getting feelings and she never wants to be in a serious relationship .. I wasn't getting feelings they never fully went away the.since I discovered your channel I see she is a DA and I have obviously misunderstood why she did certain things and I obviously have made huge mistakes .. we will still talk text and try taking a couple of dance classes together each month, I would really like to learn how to continue having this amazing lady In my life ?😅

[@adamwood87]

4:36 what is an example of an emotionally-based question for a DA?

[@Binny2014]

Suspected DA broke off our situationship after 6 months because she wasn’t into me. Said she was not scared or flaw finding. So questioning whether she actually was DA, are most self aware?

[@sysye]

I can't figure out if I'm a FA of a DA because I have relate to both :(

[@kelseycoca]

I'm FA and my DA partner and I just hit 6 months a few days ago 👀

[@Spoodlie]

Does this happen with friends who want to get to know a DA too? I feel like I'm in the power struggle phase in a friendship with a DA. We both seem to be working with it though.

[@ew1258]

From my experience yes.

[@bendabney308]

Thought I was there too, but then when we sat down to be vulnerable with eachother she stonewalled before she shared and pointed at my vulnerability and didn't listen to anything other than her needing to break up. Didn't matter that she wanted to fo therapy with me and wanted tk be wjth me and loved me she felt she needed it and wouldn't listen to reality over the narrative of what she thought was the case in what I shared

[@MO-ss5mj]

YES

[@sadiqua7]

I beg you, can you do a video for ex partners of these types on how to respectfully share these videos? I was in a cordial friendly text chat with my recent ex, next day I brought up feelings and I’m on day 3 of stonewall. How do I get over the wall!? I’m moving on, but if he only had this information I hope we could have a real conversation. He deactivated out of nowhere after pursuing me for 2.5 years and dating for 11 months. He started changing routine and seemed to be coming closer, realized he forgot my birthday ( I didn’t guilt him or make a big deal about it) and he disappeared for 2 weeks. I acknowledged the distance he blamed it on work. I said I can do this anymore, the next day he asked if we could talk, the talk never happened but I saw him 2x after, then a text ending things saying I deserve better came. Then another 2wks of stonewalling. Responded to a reach out sayin he doesn’t want to hurt me, a few texts a week or so later saying he was in my area, even one saying he had been in my building but was in a hurry after I reached out. Back to silence. Wtf.

[@helsphoenix2623]

Search for "How to tell a dismissive avoidant about their attachment style." Thais has a vid on it as do a few other channels. It is a rollercoaster for sure, remember that it is them and not a reflection of you.

[@BetterLoveMovement]

Get the strength to leave this man ALONE!!🙄

[@candyarries]

No matter what anyone says, this is abusive behaviour and the only reason why it's happening is because you let it. I'm sorry you're going through this but use this opportunity to run away as fast and far as you can.

[@SK-no2pp]

You can’t change somebody who won’t work on themselves, fears, and insecurities. Don’t put up with hot and cold behavior

[@scottlittleton4401]

My ex is more fearful avoidant. She left me 3 days before our six month anniversary.

[@devonjahnjez]

Mine left at 15 months broke up via text & blocked me 😂

[@austinroberts1450]

My DA dropped me at the 6 month mark. After a fight about her drunken actions, her problem with my reaction to it, she decided after a week to break it off bc she’s “not ready for a relationship” despite it being her idea to be my girlfriend. I did everything imaginable for that girl. Flowers, dates, surprises, even things her mom said reminded her of her deceased father… she moved on with a new guy 3 weeks later… posted him on social (according my friends) and have been for about a month I guess. The pain and grief kill me everyday. Never had someone take my identity and confidence away like this.

[@rosiedubs6315]

not me being called out

[@melisax42]

girl same 🥲

[@nataliaoli_]

Im dating a guy but its been only 2 months and I'm sure he is a DA. He already changed completely and told me that he was avoiding getting more attached 😅 to be honest I dont know what to do, maybe I should just leave.

[@BetterLoveMovement]

RUN!🏃‍♀

[@sheliasmith2884]

Been there in time if he don't you will because it just don't get any better I wasted 2 years of my beautiful life loving this man and what did I get nothing. Please don't waste your time which we can't get back.

[@BetterLoveMovement]

@@sheliasmith2884 AMEN!!!

[@joyregueira2536]

for your own emotional well-being...Speed walk in the opposite direction

[@tarkov666]

If you could be alone in a minefield, this would be it.

[@nelacivic1950]

God damn, she only wanted one thing and I made it complicated 😂😂😂

[@ragingphoinix9144]

This was mine. To a T.

[@karanfilable]

This is AP club in the comments here.. we are all the victims of DAs :)

[@Wealth_through_Health22]

Good riddance

[@beanl]

Hi, my (f/FA) partner (m/DA) and I broke up preemptively because we were starting the classic push-pull cycle and we were both activating and deactivating without being able to fix our issues. I asked for no contact bc I know he'll try to stay friends and text me once in a while and expecting those texts from him will break me. But I still want him back, I recently started on anti-anxiety medication (for a myriad of other issues) and have read up so much on attachment styles that I really think with love and patience we can make it work. He's really so patient with me whenever I brought up my issues but it just got to a point where I was bringing the my insecurities up once a week or more. We ended on an hours long talk about the best things we had which outweighed the bad 10 to 1, but he kept saying he can't change how he is and it'll just keep getting worse and worse for us. We've dated for 1,5 years and now he's saying he never wanted a relationship to begin with.... Is there any chance we can get back together? What should I do? I still need to work on myself some more, but eventually I'd like to try again! Any suggestions?

[@LeeChrissy]

This is almost identical to my FA/DA dynamic. So yes, there is a chance he'll come back and you guys can absolutely try to make it work, but I'll give this advice from my experience. You really miss him, so try not to run haphazardly into his arms if he reaches out without talking about what you need from this first. How that communication would sound I can't say as I need help with communication also. But if you don't make sure you two are on the same page ahead of time, you run the risk of ending up in a the same type of cycle that can end the same way. I started the PDS courses to get myself secure so I don't jump in a 4th cycle. It's been just over a month and they really help! It's hard when 2 people really love each other but can't figure it out. As long as you're solid and confident on your needs on your end, then what he does is up to him.

[@Mudpuppyjunior]

My suggestion is you both try to find a good therapist either apart or together. The best way for two insecure attachers to attach is to become secure. The odds are pretty long otherwise.