THIS Is What the Fearful Avoidant's Inner World Looks Like in Relationships

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

FAs! Does this resonate?!

[@gypsypath1]

Part 2, please! I want to get the membership when I can afford it, but I feel so broken in the meantime.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

@@gypsypath1 thanks for the feedback. Please email [e-mail] and inquire about scholarships. We can help you and you don't have to suffer! ❤

[@MrBungle900]

Yes this resonates so much with me. I would love a Part 2, please, matey. I’ve had nothing but a series of broken relationships and I struggle with all of the things you mentioned in this. I have even tried having a part-time relationship seeing her once or twice per week with no pressure to commit. But even that has blown up in my face as I struggled with having most of my needs unmet. I can’t seem to make relationships work. I’ve been married as well. I don’t know how to be me anymore. I’m so lost.

[@LavenderHazelwood]

Yup. I'd love a part 2 too.

[@CarinaEngelbrektsson]

That’s me! Part 2 please….❤

[@4787fhjjk]

I seriously don’t understand why she does not have more followers. Her insight into all the nitty gritty of the attachment styles is unsurpassed. So impressed every time!

[@pancakekoala]

I do enjoy her content, but I don't like her voice, maybe some people dislike it either?

[@AliValentine143]

I can only guess it's because the work is emotionally hard and so many are happy to avoid rather than heal. I have an AP friend and DA ex that refuse, too bad because they are hurting so much but feel comfortable in their familiar pain rather than scary new pattern.

[@she-surrendered1234]

Not many people are seeking healing and change. Takes too much effort whilst in the rat race and worldly distractions…

[@ashton1952]

​@@pancakekoalaI've never heard that before, I think she has a kind, friendly way of speaking. Some people are screechy 😅 not the case here. Must be an individual thing

[@gregorystinette8271]

​/ what's wrong with her voice ?

[@AMY-jd7sk]

1. Yearn for and also fear closeness. Push/ pull dynamic. Trust issue. Unresolved pain from the past. 2. All or nothing thinking. Cognitive distortion. Causes anxiety . Operates in extremes. Can lead to sabotaging dynamics. 3. High expectations of self. Core wound of feeling unworthy. Feel like they need to earn love by doing more etc Give more than receive. 4. Struggle to receive. Feeling of guilt ( and even fear) when they receive. Can lead to one way relationships. 5. Struggle to trust, as they don’t trust self to communicate own needs and set boundaries. Lack of self-support to feel emotional safety. Over explain self etc.

[@Luis913Barroeta]

My FA ex leaning DA denied that the chaos she saw in childhood at home had anything to do with how she is in her adult life. And definitely had an all or nothing thinking pattern, she suffered from massive anxiety and overthinking everything in her life (including us). she HATED being helped or taken care off because she didn't want to be a burden. Eventually fears overwhelmed her and fully deactivated and left the relationship. It's AMAZING how on point you are with your material Thais, THANK YOU ❤

[@AliValentine143]

Sounds so much like me. I'm practicing vulnerability now but dang it's hard!

[@Luis913Barroeta]

do the work in PDS it will be life changing. I was a HARD FA until I did the work. @@AliValentine143

[@ashton1952]

​@@AliValentine143agree it's not easy at all. I'm trying to improve by practicing opening up with good guy friends that I've known for a long time, feels safer.. it's a start I guess

[@LazarusFeels]

Sounds so much like old version of me too! I am getting better at this now. I’ve lost chances to build deep relationships and friendships because if this.

[@freespirit12]

This is me 😢

[@LazarusFeels]

I want to call out how much this effects careers outside of relationships too. I am/was an FA and am currently struggling with having ‘too much expectations on myself’. This leads to procrastination, avoids action, making the gap between what I want and action even bigger, making the expectations vs reality gap worse. Expecting ‘extreme’ or black and white results is a given. I struggle with thoughts that I will amount to nothing. In the process making myself feel horrible. I practically cry with all the thoughts and it’s exhausting.

[@Yasmin-rf2ne]

i relate to this, it’s really exhausting indeed

[@emilyb5557]

100% it's so common with FAs, definitely a struggle for me that I'm working on in PDS. There's a really good course or possibly it wa interactive webinar on impact on work life for FAs. If you can do the guided processes for being enough & being safe you will probably find it shifts and gets easier 😊 The work in PDS is so good for reprogramming those patterns of never being enough to learning to notice your progress & achievements.

[@LazarusFeels]

@@emilyb5557 thanks a bunch! I will check these. I do need all the help I can get. I remember when I was applying this to relationships - i actually made an excel (phew!) to record my progress and (little) achievements. probably good time to go all in wrt my career also :)

[@LazarusFeels]

@@Yasmin-rf2ne makes me feel strangely validated. thanks! 🧡

[@patriciaa2976]

As an FA i can definitely say that feeling 'trapped" in my relationships is one of the biggest obstacles ive had to overcome.

[@mgn1621]

Does setting healthy boundaries help?

[@Cat-pk1lo]

I am 55 and just now finding out why am so miserable in wanting and needing love ❤

[@vee3687]

in my healing journey as an FA (though still have a long way to go), ive learnt that FAs are pretty much created from the consistency of 'inconsistency'. We somewhat navigate chaos easier because of a sort of learned helplessness, hence the self betrayal and people pleasing habits. Its the harmony that we find discomfort in. Because we are almost always waiting for the other shoe to drop. And when it does, it not only proves that we were right to expect it, but that we were wrong not to have anticipated it in time and better prepared in advance to mitigate the damage. Hence the hot and cold nature of believing that 'if its too good, its probably not true" and that "if its not good then we should run, because we know how it ends". Personally i find it such a difficult to reprogram such deepset core beliefs especially in a world where things are infact hot and cold too. Where we can sometimes be wrong, not have all the answers or even get hurt sometimes. Trust and Betrayal go hand in hand because for an FA its like a raw wound that never really healed (in my opinion). But my greatest progress i think has been in taking the focus away from others and more on myself. Thais once called it reparenting i think. Am sorry my comment is long but just thought to share incase someone else feels stuck somewhere in the process. The more you trust yourself (because of the consistency and congruency), the more it reverberates around others because its not that we generally trust others, but that we trust our opinion of others and our ability to determine their trust worthiness. Thats what ive learnt. Again, am no expect but am just sharing hoping it will help someone

[@samanthaannfuchsgruber]

so true. I thank you for sharing this!

[@koala01111986]

So spot on! That was exactly my old me and for some aspects also my actual me.

[@BeingwithBrian]

I recorded a video of myself here on youtube about being an FA, but deleted it because I had some editing issues. There's probably so many fearful avoidants that are unaware that their internal world is due to attachment trauma. 8 years ago, I was unaware in a relationship and could only explain to my then ex that I had mixed emotions and I was horrified of them. The first time I deactivated, I ran out of my house for miles. I left my front door wide open, I cried and cried and became even more confused when I would want my partner back after pushing them away. Then my "I am bad" was kicking in, because I was trying to not be bad by breaking their heart. PDS has since increased my awareness, consciousness, strategies and life since discovering. I was a TEXTBOOK FA and I still have some kinks to work out. To answer your question, yes it does resonate, and yes a part 2 would be great.

[@jimhershey9809]

Yes, a part 2 would be great! As well as normalizing and validating the characteristics and protest behaviors from the trauma responses, it's always helpful when you point in the direction of what to do to move toward being more securely attached. I see people getting stuck in the phase of understanding the why behind their reactions and then feeling like a victim and unable to more toward more secure attachment.

[@Bluebutterfly80]

Yes please part 2 🙏🏽! I've never heard myself being described so accurately before 😢 I'm really working on my self awareness as I desperately want to make changes so that I can build quality lasting relationships. I'm starting attachment based therapy soon as I feel trapped in this never ending cycle of extremes! I'm sending love and prayers to everyone here regardless of whether you're an FA, DA etc. We all deserve to be free and no one should be shamed or judged for their attachment style 💜

[@emilyb5557]

If you're watching this & thinking this is me and its miserable I get it. I can't say enough how much being in PDS doing the courses & interactive learning Webinars w Thais & coaches helped me. Its made more difference in 6 months than any other (many!!) thing I've worked on or therapy over yrs. My inner turmoil and outer struggles are from 100 to 20 on a scale. Relationship so much better too! The combo of understanding WHY but also the actual tools to undo the automatic patterns is life changing. I think it taies months but even a freebie month you would prob feel big benefit. Plus the community is so lovely & actually fun, which you might not expect 😊 Ps I'm not being paid to say this i am just so grateful to Thais & the coaches and remember how yuck it felt before 😅

[@icedout455645]

I’m pretty sure I’m an FA and the one point about struggling to receive is very true. I often struggle to receive compliments, often downplaying the compliment by saying something like “Oh, I’m not that good at X”. I also really struggle with receive acts of service at times because I always end up feeling like I’m indebted to that person. So I often refuse people treating me to dinner or doing small favors because I immediately put a lot of pressure on myself to repay that person for the act of service. I feel like I tend to create distance with folks who want to be kind to me but I don’t always like to allow it.

[@freespirit12]

I feel the same 😭😭😭😞 that's why I don't like someone to offer help bec I feel the need to repay them in the future. It sucks.

[@angelinarinna5014]

Yes part two! This sums up my whole life. Thank you so much.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@Rhodes8926]

All my life I try to earn peoples love by being to best at my work. I always thought it was because I’m not physically attractive I must try to offer something else to get people to see me and get validation.

[@aliciawatson68]

I've been lurking for months. Thank you for the content, Thais. I can't express my gratitude enough. I'm a (healing) FA and I've been using your videos to understand my own behavior and patterns. So much of it is spot-on and I find myself laughing because I realized I have been doing so much of it my entire life without realizing it. Just the self-awareness I have now is incredible and it's made navigating insecurities so much easier as I figure stuff out. another perk of the hyper vigilance if you're able to direct it inwards ;)

[@sadiqua7]

Part two yes! All of this were my patterns that I am working on.

[@NoName-nj4mw]

This is so true. I truly hate being a FA and I often purposely push people away or leave relationships because I sometimes feel like no one deserves the headache that comes with dealing with me. It's seen as cruel, but I legit feel like I'm doing people a favor.

[@Rhodes8926]

This is me! I’m middle age and still don’t know how to be myself in a relationship. I’m constantly trying to be what I think other people want me to be but I end up just being a people pleaser or so agreeable that I add no contrasting dynamic. The more invested I am in someone the worse I am to myself.

[@TechieSewing]

Thank you, that's all very true. Also bridge burning, I've burnt so many 🙈 I'd like to hear more about trust and self-trust. I definitely struggle with being overly suspicious. People say that suspicious people are that way because they are capable of what they fear of others, and for some it's true, but for me it always felt like experience.

[@girlwithapearlofwisdom]

I did your quiz and im FA... and i suppose it seems the one of the 4 i most align with on the surface but im having trouble accepting. Things that deeply resonate: All or nothing thinking, fear of accepting help or feeling helpless, intense fear/guilt of being a burden, difficulty taking up space, giving without boundaries then being resentful when that's not returned, feeling unworthy despite reassurance, desperately wanting closeness... but from... like... a distance (i realised i had this weird self sabotaging pattern the last year)?😅😢

[@alaskathespeedofplay2724]

Please! Please!? Do more videos on this! I just broke up with an FA and I’m still trying to makes sense of both her actions and my reactions (ie…breaking up with her).

[@CandiceM89]

Absolutely resounds with me! The all or nothing really hits home for me. Even your example of eating healthy is 100% me!! I will do that exact thing…mark out a strict grocery list and follow it to a T but if one thing derails I’m off. Or start consistently working out and miss one day and there it goes…we’re done. I’ve also never realized how much I struggle with the unworthiness but it’s true. I feel like I have to work for things and if I’m given something I didn’t work for (affection, kindness, etc) I fight it because I didn’t “earn” it. Wow! So enlightening!

[@HH-pj5bl]

The struggling to receive is on point, an ex situatioship was like that, since we were long distance, I'll send her gifts/care packages that were thought out and she would be able to use them or she mentioned in conversation that it's something she would like or need. In the last stretch of our attempt of relationship, I made her a little care package and sent it to her (this was also on the peak of her intermittent reinforcement and I was feeling the stress of it) so when we were on the phone, she asked to send the care package back to me, I felt heart broken....that was my breaking point. I ended it, I said I can't do this anymore and wished her well for her future endeavors. (I could of communicated better during it, I guess I was so stressed by her constant push pull and I was so mentally and emotionally tired from work, family and to add on her indecisiveness and intermittent reinforcement, I just decided to end it) Great share as always. Thank you Thais and love you❤

[@LivingBeyondBeauty]

It's insightful listening to the inner world of the 'fearful avoidant '. Almost like listening to David Attenborough on discovering the secret world of 'dolphins' or ' Whales' . And to a certain degree we can have compassion, empathy and understanding. Talking as a 'Super Empath' here, oh no wait, that relates to narcissists! ( wrong video!) I mean, I'm an 'AP'. But we need to be careful, no matter how difficult an individuals upbringing was, how chaotic , no one should have to pay the price for that! Everyone needs to take responsibility, accountability for how they treat people irrespective of attachment styles. I'm worried that we're giving avoidants in general an excuse and a free pass for lousy behaviour! Zero tolerance to disrespectful behaviour.

[@GeoffreyAngapa]

Exactly. Negative behaviour is negative behaviour, no matter the intention or where it came from, and it affects the recipient in the same way.

[@LivingBeyondBeauty]

@@GeoffreyAngapa Precisely!

[@angelabrosicravens9085]

Yes, this really resonates. Part 2 please!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

I could listen to you for on & on. You feel so real and heartfelt to me.

[@eileendom5858]

I absolutely do not trust. It’s so very hard. I have never found anyone cheating on me personally, but grew up around all men in my family cheating and my friends cheating. Yes, I feel guilty whenever I have a partner who does nice things for me. Therefore, I end up doing more bc I feel I have to pay it back.

[@katenicholson4152]

So true about the receiving and try coupling that with receiving gifts as my top love language 😢 I feel guilty for having this mean so much to me.

[@IloveElsaofArendelle]

Please part 2

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@ashleyb.8217]

My inner world starts to scream “Intruder Alert, Intruder Alert” when I get close to someone.

[@freespirit12]

💯 😔😕

[@LenkaSingh-gl2be]

Thank you. Spot on on every point. I have saved it and will try to go back to it here and again so I can notice those patterns when they come up. I find it comes the strongest with the people I care for the most :(

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@iamtaraalexandria]

I'm the same- the deeper I feel the more triggered these patterns are! But I think it's part of the healing process that we even notice this.

[@LenkaSingh-gl2be]

@iamtaraalexandria I definitely think so too. I started noticing that only after I started healing. So it's a good think I guess. And the more aware I am of them the more I am able to try to push past these patterns:)

[@526colin]

Parts 3 & 4 really hit home for me with what happened with my FA ex and I before she nuked us with the worst sabotage ever. She lived with me and worked overnights. So, she really wasn't able to do much for me at all with her working 12 hours overnight and sleeping all day. And I did anything and everything for her. Did food shopping for her, cooked her dinner, sent her to work with a meal & snacks, paid for dinners when we went out, did work on her car, etc. I just wanted to make her life easier and didn't know about her attachment issues until after she dropped a nuke on us. So, I guess I unknowingly created a double whammy concerning points 3/4. Watching these videos are really helping me get the closure I need because she was unable to give it to me.

[@roshalllambert]

These were very interesting points! I can see those applying to the FAs in my life!

[@Cat-pk1lo]

I love you. And would like a part two, yes. I am a severe fearful. 😢

[@SuperPogacsa]

So very useful as always! And yes, would love another episode on this for sure!❤

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@clarisec1451]

I'd love to see more on this topic

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@aliciawildenberg4496]

Yes, part two please!!

[@kimorady8791]

Yes part 2 plz

[@maryhillebran103]

Thank you for helping me understand why I am the way I am and how to heal. Your youtubes are helping me to look at life different. Need to check out a few of your courses...

[@Brioplace]

I feel so known! Thank for the great info! Learning a lot

[@RobMacDougall]

yes. part 2. or even more long form versions of these. i'm an on and off member of PDS. mostly because i can spend soooo long on a course and just process bits and pieces of it over and over. your KZbin videos seem to help me the most though and work. I often do do a deeper dive into them online. But often I find the courses are not the best for teaching adult learners.

[@sharp12275ify]

This was very informative.

[@GeoffreyAngapa]

Thanks. Part II, s'il vous plait !

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@rplm8186]

Yess part 2 please 🥰 I love ur content!! My gf is a fearful avoidant and I am a AP so I'm learning how to navigate ❤

[@IfyAkamelu-pj4kx]

Thank you so much for this💝💕

[@ShimmerSoulSong]

I'm recovering FA but I am not hot cold. I'm consistent with my love and communication.

[@PriestOfYod]

Part two, please 🫶

[@bad003]

Would Love a part 2!

[@alswls01]

part 2 please!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@andrewwatkins4194]

Part two would be great thanks

[@timdrawbridge6821]

This is VERY revealing regarding the woman I've dated over the last year!!!!

[@willm5800]

Part 2 please

[@spacecat8511]

Oof yeah. 4&5 are huge for me. I’ve done a lot of work on 2, while 1 I think I’m falling into dismissive vs fearful patternings. 3’s also a major one. The guy I like who I swear is also FA is kinda the reverse of that. But yeah. It is incredibly difficult to receive any sort of support that isn’t essentially just emotional coregulation then I go on my way if it’s a problem that’s actionable, and gifts definitely make me feel wary but also like I don’t even get to have a preference or choice. If someone else is doing it, then I’m a burden, or there’s emotional blackmail, or it’s a ploy. Which…I think I finally broke through my friend projecting his own expectations of himself onto me. But…yeah. Accepting his offer of help when I’ve hit a really rough patch when…yeah. We’ll see. But I definitely feel the need to pull away unless he’s willing to actually talk through it, but in my mind asking for that would also make me a burden when this is a distortion I Should get through myself, just like I Should be clever and resourceful enough to not need his help at all.

[@dgen241]

It would be interesting to learn more about the outer world view point as well. Great information thank you

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@stargirl.7868]

you are great 👍🏻👌❤

[@coltenkelso5764]

I’m not sure if I’m an FA leaning dismissive or just an FA. I avoid relationships out of fear of getting hurt a lot. On top of that though I also have a part of me that just doesn’t want to deal with what it takes to have relationships or the emotions involved even though I do want relationships. It’s too much work. I am self aware though and working on it.

[@bethshotwell8991]

Yes part 2!

[@Andy-se4sl]

Thanks... I think having high expectations for the self also comes into all or nothing thinking too... Like wise attaching to a perfect vision then jumping ship if it's not materialising... Especially when many life needs can be met more efficiently and effectively when not in a relationship.. I love sharing my life but feel like I dragged dragged off course... In hindsight maybe establishing a shared vision and similar standards as well as enjoying getting your needs met in similar ways would be particularly beneficial for us dealing with FA... not that I'm shirking my attachment work... But it might help to be more diligent early on ☺️ thanks Leah... Will check out some of your stuff maybe to work though 😊

[@alwaysroomtolearn]

More more more! Part 2, 3, 4 and 5 please 😂

[@Truckguy1970]

From what I learned FAs usually mirror their partner's behavior, so if they're being hot and cold usually it's because their picking up inconsistencies from their partner. I hear a lot of guys or girls say "they was super into me one day and the next day they acted like they wasn't into me anymore". Sometimes the ones saying this are not being as consistent or reassuring as they think they have been.

[@mayenessien9370]

Pert 2 please!

[@dantepatel]

I've been trying really hard to work on my FA attachment style. And Thais' videos have really helped. However, I still feel some type of way a lot of time. I still find myself resenting women sometimes. I worry that I'm not good enough- maybe not attractive enough, maybe not making enough money. And the times I've been rejected have only made me feel this way more. There's still feelings of unworthiness. And people say that perfectionism isn't the right way to go, but it feels like that's what people want. The feeling that I'm gonna be betrayed or devalued makes me not wanna try... I've had times where I've had sex girls with no string attached. "Situationships", as the new generation says. Often, I feel this is preferable to a real relationship. It's difficult to see a benefit to actually being vulnerable....

[@LenkaSingh-gl2be]

I think being accepted and loved for who you are within including those part you think are not acceptable. That would be benefit that would certainly lift me up! But I understand your point as an FA myself ❤

[@porschemoore3309]

Part II please

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@shanaharris3309]

Part 2

[@LavenderHazelwood]

I was thinking that some of these points are also my relationship to money. Working too hard for very little and afraid of not living up to expectations in a job and getting overwhelmed at the amount of work it will take to feel ok taking the money. I don't know if this is common amongst FA's, but I've noticed it as a dynamic in my life.

[@Welegq]

does this happen in marriage as well

[@LYoung-et2sg]

Absolutely. Any and all relationships. But the thing is, (until we start digging into this stuff) we don’t realize we’re doing anything unusual. It’s subconscious. It’s just the way we operate, (and have always operated) in life. We learned these coping “strategies” to keep ourselves safe as children. I was STUNNED when I discovered I was avoidant. Absolutely shocked. And then....E V E R Y T H I N G started to make sense.

[@leroypope6739]

Fearful Avoidants are screwed up and are breeding grounds for toxic and chaotic relationships. Secure attachment styles need stay away from them or be taken down a rabbit hole of chaos. Fearful Avoidants are better off with a chaotic partner who can give them the needed unrest they subconsciously crave and desire.

[@ezfamtv7838]

We didn't chose to be this way. your comment is very biased. I am working so that I can have a healthy relationship one day

[@aspegel5281]

Yes and no. Yes, as long as the "chaotic partner" helps us become self-aware of the areas we need to grow and they're also willing to continue growing in the process. Otherwise, it just leads to a constant reset if you're feeding the subconscious fears, which isn't healthy. No, because a secure partner helps to bring stability to an FA, which is very grounding, but truthfully, that relationship doesn't instigate as much growth. Hence, why the DA/FA dynamic is so painful yet rewarding - especially when incorporating PDS.

[@RobMacDougall]

why do i always feel like i'm on a stage and performing for everyone? why do i have conversations with others when i'm alone (out loud or even in my head)??

[@inforestsweheal]

I'm not sure taking yet another course is going to help (me). I know all this stuff intellectually... it doesn't help. How does one put into practice a whole new way of being when they have had this style of attachment for decades? I wish more effort were put into proper parenting, so that children could grow into healthy adults, instead of trying to undo their childhood trauma damage for the rest of their lives. I'm sure this course is good... so don't get me wrong... I hope it helps some... but for those of us with resolved trauma from decades ago... understanding isn't enough.

[@Calicokitty2]

I can vouch for these courses working! At 67 years old, I found Thais and have done her reprogramming on betrayal and trauma and codependency and needs. They have healed so much of my brokenness, something I thought was hopeless! The auto suggestion made such a difference. I truly suggest you try it. What have you got to lose?

[@magdalenar9552]

That's true. When u know everything but can't change, you need to go to therapy and experience different kind of relation with sb who will be with you in all this, connect the dots and witness all that is in u during this change

[@JK-ek5jv]

I highly recommend you look into Australian Aboriginal Dreamtime Healing using Holographic Kinetics. You can take these various issues to a session and find the actual root cause in this life, a past life or down the genetic line and clear them at the Spirit level which then ripples out to heal Spirit, Soul and change your physical reality. That's what I've been doing and it's the only thing truly allowing me to shed these patterns and ways of thinking. Thais' advice on action steps then teaches me how to show up differently and integrate the changes made at Spirit.

[@LenkaSingh-gl2be]

Yes definitely working. They are literally practice as you go. I still can't believe that Thais managed to do something so amazing. It's God sent literally

[@LYoung-et2sg]

I can relate to this. I can recognize my patterns now but often after the fact. The subconscious programming is so strong!

[@Juniperberrie25]

Being a FA honestly sounds like torture. Self torture and constant torment

[@aspegel5281]

It is.

[@karinteeples9715]

It is. I wouldn’t wish anyone to look into my mind and everything I think and feel~ it would exhaust and terrify them to the extreme. It was exhausting until I started my healing journey. Healing is possible! We all are worth it!❤️

[@freetinkerer3878]

I am an FA. I just got broken up with somebody because I was ambivalent about her and she didn’t want to be a ‘maybe’. On one level I felt like we could be soulmates, but on another level I felt strangely unfulfilled and bored. I could write down on paper all the reasons they are amazing but things just felt off, maybe in terms of humor or intellect or just being able to riff off one another. But, like I said on paper she’s very smart, silly, playful, and even has a powerful sexy inner warrior despite my feeling that she is boring because she is so gentle. What I’m trying to get at is that it’s not like I didn’t have access to the feeling of being in love. I just kept getting overwhelmed with the feeling that I did not like this person despite really liking them in many ways. The emptiness ate away at me and I felt like I was stealing intimacy from her because of my deep down feeling the relationship wasn’t going to work and I’d be permanently unfulfilled. Now that we are broken up the parts of me that screamed that she was not right for me have gone quiet for the most part. I find myself accepting that maybe she just genuinely wasn’t a match for some hard to define reason. On the other hand i have parts of me saying maybe if I healed my FA issues (ROCD) I’d be able to fall for her and appreciate her and not judge her because of my own unhappiness. This ambivalence and feeling of boredom has followed me into all my relationships, but less so with emotionally unavailable partners. Help! 😮‍💨 this breakup has been hell, especially since it feels like I caused it by my own ambivalence issues and really hurt her feelings by sharing my unfulfillment and possible causes. I thought we could work on me getting those needs met, but ultimately the damage was done and things were just going to keep unraveling.

[@Juniperberrie25]

Hmm it’s interesting that you felt that you could be soulmates but also felt unfulfilled and bored. If you’re generally unfulfilled and bored with most people (except emotionally unavailable people) then yeah, this could be more about your fears and limited beliefs about relationships than it is about the people you’re dating. Or a mixture of both. I used to be like that. I’d really like someone, until they liked me back; when they liked me back, I started nitpicking and putting walls up. I knew the issue was me, because it was a consistent pattern. After years of reflection and therapy I realised I had a lot of fears around relationships, particularly around being ‘trapped’ with the ‘wrong person’. I can definitely say I don’t have these fears now, and the starting point (at the instruction of my therapist) was to identify what I love about myself. And learning to love/accept myself. This took all the pressure off trying to validate myself through meeting the ‘perfect person’. And helped me to be less critical (fearful) of the people I was dating. And in turn I became less anxious so I could think clearer and make better dating decisions.

[@Flufero23]

She sounds like a truly wonderful person. I know what she is probably going through. I hope she finds someone who can love and appreciate her. Sounds like she will make someone an amazing partner. Like I said, I know the feeling. I was monkey branched after four mostly good years. I think my FA ex got bored and wanted something new and exciting. I have really good qualities. They just got old. Real life is sometimes boring.

[@freetinkerer3878]

@@Flufero23it’s been four months and it’s interesting to look back at my comment. She is a wonderful person and I hope she meets the right person. I can also see I really just didn’t feel comfortable / at home with her. We truly were not a good match, despite on paper having some reasons to be. I can also see some of her qualities that I didn’t like and wouldn’t be able to reconcile with. Still not fun at all to have lost the intimacy and connection. I’m still not recovered from it. Dating is so hard.

[@atmodlee]

I love this channel but I wish there was more content on the anxious attachment style. I feel we do a lot of analysis for the other two insecure attachment styles but not AP.

[@kacake]

Chaos at home, but I won't dwell in the past, be positive about the future, work in the present to be securely attached

[@PerrySkyePhoenix]

I don't consider myself to be hot and Cold. DA's are definitely hot and cold.

[@user-th7lu2yf7n]

yes!!!!! this resonates and is helpful!! i need to take notes from this video definitely would love a part 2!!!