THIS One Thing Will Improve Your Love Life - Modern Dating Is Transactional

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Tell us your experiences with modern dating!

[@cappygurl]

I think that social media and online dating has transformed dating into a catalog of infinite choices that aren't actually realistic. The paradox of choice has infiltrated dating and its so deceiving. Most people actually don't have as many choices as they think they do, ans those that are at the top of choices in dating apps and life will find it more difficult to find meaningful relationships and will always be looking out for the next "best" thing. Having less choices actually makes humans happier.

[@michaeljensen4650]

It's not having less choices that makes your life happier it's understanding that all choices come with a cost. This is what it means to become an adult. I don't get to have everything I want, I have to commit myself to a path if I want that path to be a fulfilling and successful one. If I want real love it takes commitment time and dedication for that relationship to grow into something genuine and meaningful. If I wan't to become a professional athlete I won't have time to master the saxophone. If I want to become a doctor I will have to go to school for 10 years and then be an intern for 2-3 years. These things are difficult and require sacrifices. Having a realistic assessment of our abilities and opportunities helps us to make good choices. If we feel entitled to having everything we want whenever we want without any limitations and an endless horizon we will suffer. Life is not full of limitless opportunities and experiences, only children think like this. It's called magical thinking. Everything good in life requires sacrifices. Can you live with that, can you learn to be content with what you have or is it never enough.

[@BetterLoveMovement]

This is the best and most insightful comment here, and should be pinned! This perfectly sums up what the last 15 years has been like for those of us who have been out here in the dating marketplace. Research has continually showed us that most of us will meet and date with people who live within 30 miles of us! Dario g apps and social media gives people the belief that they have the entire world at their fingertips. They most certainly don’t. I cursed the day that both of them were created.😩

[@HH-pj5bl]

I personally don't agree to finding a partner from swiping on a app, we as humans already have a superficial desire and the apps now amplify this superficiality, as you mentioned highlighting certain things to make one self more "desirable. It's like encouraging people that are already avoidant to commitment or facing conflict to do it more often, since even easier to go to the next person, basically opening the doors for people that like to "keep their options open" "1 foot out the door" while in a relationship, or people wanting to be friends with all the benefits of a relationship but not commiting to a relationship, hence the new term situationships. I'm not for it, but if people are then good for them. Great share as always thank you and love you Thais ❤

[@fayebaker3378]

Really needed this today! Feeling completely burnt out by OLD. I feel like I'm on a never ending hampster wheel. Super disingenuous and a lot of people are not really who they say they are. Its exhausting.

[@shineinouzen7412]

All relationships are transactional imo. Yes, even the healthy ones based on mutual love, respect and understanding. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. If your significant other stopped doing the things that you appreciate about them, the things you love that they do, for an extended period of time, with no signs of things going back to how they were. Chances are the relationship will not go the distance, or it will and both partners will be unfulfilled. You can still love and care about them for sure, but transactions between you to (time, energy, effort, attitude, acts of service) that led to that happy healthy relationship aren’t there anymore.

[@dantepatel]

The problem is that the way people are being transactional is different. There are transactions based in lust and greed rather than transactions of love. To pay attention, to do kind things for them, to help them be better and achieve, to want them to be happy- these are ways to have a loving relationship. But if people are judging too much based on money and sexiness, they're ignoring these aspects and thereby ignoring love. The idea that one deserves a sexier partner or a richer partner prevents people from seeing that not everyone in the world is kind. It SHOULD be the kind people they are chasing after. They are setting themselves up for relationships with unkind people and also ignoring kind people.

[@MadaiGallo]

I really love this type of content, Thais! Don't get me wrong -- knowing about attachment styles is a powerful tool. It just feels so natural and more conversational to talk about struggles we all face as humans too. Thank you for your wisdom, as always

[@andreatorluemke4982]

Girl you are pure gold angel. Pure gold. I thank the mama and the poppa who made you. You are a blessing!

[@thehappyhomeless]

I just want to say. You’re videos help me so much to understand healthy relationships and I just want to personally thank you for all the work your doing. You’re helping a lot of people, thank you.

[@esmeraldamontenegro2969]

Very nice video. Thank you for pointing out - Love is not transactional...

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Let us know what you thought of the video :)

[@michaeljensen4650]

The paradox of psychotherapy is that the people who need it most are the ones who are most resistant to it. Thank you for the video I loved what you said and I couldn't agree more. My question to you is; Does a pathological society breed pathological individuals or do pathological individuals create a pathological society. Are we doomed, are the greatest problems which face humanity essentially unresolvable.

[@don-eb3fj]

​@@michaeljensen4650This is a great comment, the circular argument structure of the question invites the curious to explore more deeply. I see what you did there- psychotherapy, indeed! 😊 I've been studying from a distance and pondering this very question for a lifetime- I'm schizoid, it's what I do. Hurt people hurt people, so pathology begets pathology and it's hard to truly know where the "original sin" occurred, but my own explorations suggest it began when we decided we didn't want to be subject to natural cycles anymore and the process of domestication began, in all likelihood in response to a widespread cataclysm that caused mass migrations and conflicts between unfamiliar tribes. Small tribal clans banded together and became more settled with the domestication of animals and development of agriculture, built walled cities, and honed their hunting skills into the art of war. The arms race between man and nature, and man and man, had begun and we began to change. Tribal cultures are inherently more egalitarian and interdependent and encouraging of nurture and strong emotional bonds while hierarchical ones by their very nature reward those most inclined and capable of bending others to their will through perceived fitness, cleverness, charisma, or brute force. Societies such as this adopt narratives generated by those elevated to positions of honor, "laws" and doctrines that weave a matrix of illusion over the physical world, and it becomes difficult to distinguish natural fact from the manufactured self delusion required to maintain unnatural systems of living and the growing problems that result from them. Those with power grow accustomed to privilege and make innovations to assure their future and that of their progeny, and dynastic rule becomes established alongside a mythology that justifies it, usurping more and more autonomy and agency from the individual and creating dependence on the structure and its proprietor who claims Divine Right to impose His fantasy on all others. Various means evolve to assure continuity of a power structure, but they all require wasteful use of resources and destructive expansion- they are non-regenerative and eventually they all collapse catastrophically as the substance of the Earth and people become depleted or technological advancements that offer more complete control make an engineered collapse and restructuring desirable. The twin drives of hope and fear are applied to encourage compliance with the fantasy- open brutality and desperation; bread and circuses and opium for the masses; ostentatious displays of prosperity and strength, the illusion of independence within the system that is not possible without; the spectre of despair and scarcity that compels ascension of the tower toward the only "value" offered; the lie of "the greater good" wearing a figleaf to cover naked aggression and give the false impression of choice. We reduce ourselves to mere commodities to maximize our assessed value in an exchange for fiat nothing in which only our utility is desired, all other qualities negated by our own thumb on the scale. Only the most ruthless are rewarded and there is no time for sentimentality in the race to the top to place our own stone on the ever-higher peak- no time to notice the gaping cracks rising up behind us from the failing foundations. As power and resources are consolidated into ever-fewer hands who claim title to everything we find ourselves with nowhere to stand, nowhere to run, and no one to turn to. We face a machine we built but cannot control, a world we constructed that cannot sustain us, and looming ontological insecurity that prevents us from reaching out to the only thing that could truly offer comfort and nurture- each other, standing comfortably in our own skin under the sky, neither "naked" nor ashamed but as we were created. Can we learn to remember who we are and our proper relationship with each other, our environment, and the processes of Life, Death, and Renewal that created it all? Can we step off the linear path of self-perpetuating trauma and mutually-assured self destruction in favor of a more sustainable circular one, adopting each others' needs and best interests as our own in reciprocal voluntary collaboration? Are we willing to give up our illusions of control and support each other in healing the wounds of our societal evolution so we can emerge from our common history of trauma as we were each created to be? Our choices have left us with less than ideal means to connect with others, but in dark there is light- these black mirrors and the agora of minds and ideas they connect us with provide opportunity to share perspectives and dreams that could show us an overlooked path to a brighter future. I'm cautiously willing to show you mine- show me yours?

[@joshliam1967]

Loved this deep dive so much. Thank you!

[@albutron0316]

I love that you're shining a light on this 🙂

[@roshalllambert]

Loved the point about superficiality and transactional nature! This is a very important topic!

[@jerrykasinger8621]

That was soooo good! That's the relationship i crave to have with my wife!

[@8rcj]

Thank you for this video! It validates how I have been feeling about the dating situation at present!

[@Katrica670]

@8:43 I feel like you said it opposite, I heard someone explain it to me in an opposite way

[@Katrica670]

Thank you soooo much Thais for this! ❤️😊😍

[@NA-ud6qm]

When the majority of people are viewing relationships as "transactional", that is when i step out of the market and don't come back. Saying: "only men" or "only women" is toxic. It is, on average, toxic among both sexes, get over it. People being superficial is toxic. I want people to realize that love is caring about your partner, NOT what they can or can not do for you. And it'd be nice if people understood what being vulnerable meant.

[@millievanillie9700]

🧡🧡🧡🧡 you nailed it so beautifully

[@moonchild-thirty-thr33]

Quality and HEALTHY. 😄

[@plusone8015]

Real always find real ☯️

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Please like, and subscribe if you aren't already!

[@yifatcarmi3380]

What is emotional unavailability?

[@adadabroad]

Online dating is a marketplace for non-committed relationships. In modern terms situationships. Say goodbye to traditional relationships.

[@zakariyyamccullin1005]

I am a firm believer that dating apps create the “human geographic cure.” An alcoholic doesn’t change with geography. Good luck everyone!

[@shadowjfd]

The main reason I quit that game

[@aquaearthnfirequ_pinsnsavi1721]

At the end of the day, no matter how much one's PARTNER sits around and expects THEM to be the one responsible for EVERY SINGLE ASPECT OF THE RELATIONSHIP INCLUDING PUTTING THEIR SEXUAL NEEDS OR AT THE FOREFRONT, it's not enough, it takes TWO to show up for EVERY ASPECT OF THE RELATIONSHIP. NOT just what gets THEIR SEXUAL NEEDS met then said person can go on pretty much living a carefree (almost singlE-like lifestyle but CLAIMS they're in a relationship when it's time for THEIR NEEDS (SEXUAL AND WHATEVER IMPROVES/FOLLOWS/VALIDATES THEIR WAY OF LIVING) to be put at the top of the priority list of THEIR RELATIONSHIP again? 🥺😔 Did I say "without regards to the WHOLE OTHER PERSON IN THE RELATIONSHIP NEEDS?" BC WHOLE OTHER PERSON IS EXPECTED TO HOLD DOWN EVERYTHING ADULT ASPECT in THIS ONE SIDED RELATIONSHIP AND MEET SAID PERSON'S NEED WHENEVER SAID PERSON NEEDS IT?😔 Abandoned my 🤐😳😒

[@blucheer8743]

I grew up in old frontier town in northern Montana and whoring was still legal in Idaho and Montana. Seems we’ve come full circle. Ppl have a misunderstanding how whorehouses worked in those isolated areas. They were places you payed to meet women. Online dating leading to real meetings is very much the same.

[@lauriejean9306]

Love her, but this video didn'thit it for me. She critiques the culture (accurately, although to be fair humans have always chosen partners for superficial reasons, we just lie to ourselves about it now), then offers individual solutions. If the issue is cultural, it's hard to resolve on a strictly individual level. You can heal yourself and then find no one else has done their work...

[@cleaninggirl-2000]

Yea online dating sucks, I would agree is very disingenuous. But so tbh out I feel so bored

[@andreatorluemke4982]

Thanks for saying all this love. They are teaching men to give up on love rather than to fight for it. This goes against the traditionally masculine role for men in society to protect their women and children. To honor and treasure women. Men are happiest and women are happiest with men in their place. Otherwise women are left to do it all

[@nickus51]

It is not just men, but women as well. I was willing to work it out and fight for her. In the end, I got hurt quite badly. Modern dating world is quite toxic and incredibly hard for people with genuine intentions

[@AmericanDreamer]

very true @andrea

[@Lord_of_Dread]

Ironically, I think this is indicative of the problem. Women expect men to be dancing monkeys and entertain them; "fight for them" when the women put in no effort or are actively toxic, and if men aren't dancing to the tune and kissing your arse and holding you up like some infallible deity, they just find some other mug who will. A lot of men with more self-worth aren't interested in that dynamic, and are just opting out. That just leaves the desperate ones and the fuck boys, which women will endlessly complain about. You reap what you sew.

[@adamsarwar]

ugh

[@waynesmith4861]

This was much needed. Thanks!