Relationships and Complex Trauma - Part 10/11 - Safe People

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🎓 COMPASS Facilitator & Coach Training is offered to LIFT Online Learning graduates who would like to facilitate our programs or further their education as Complex Trauma coaches. Our coaches and facilitators help those living with addictions, process their trauma and assist them in developing techniques that lead to better decision-making and healthier lives. Learn more here: www.timfletcher.ca/teach
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🎓 Workshops are being made available where you, a group or organization can attend to learn about Complex Trauma. Workshops are specific to Complex Trauma and vocation themes, and offer detailed information about how Complex Trauma creates dysfunction and offers tools for healing.
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🎓 SEMINARS & WEBINARS Contact us to book a webinar or an in-person seminar with Tim Fletcher. Email: [e-mail]. Topics include: Trauma-Informed Care, Anger, Shame and Codependency.
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[@trudytru8224]

I've learned more skills and talks from this man than I did with decade of therapy

[@kevinbissinger]

It helps that he talks the whole hour instead of it being a dialog

[@DonTwanX]

My first therapist was awesome. Great listener, full of compassion and good advice. My second therapist (I moved out of state) was not as good of a fit for me, but was still helpful, especially when I had some overwhelming stuff going on with work, family and friends.

[@DonTwanX]

KZbin videos have helped way more than therapy. My second therapist would not say CPTSD was a thing because it is not in the DSM. I’m like look at me, you got a love one. Most important things in my recovery so far have been getting my story straight and learning to handle my emotions in a more healthy way. I’m like a child. My feelings are too strong, but I’m learning why they exist and what they are telling me.

[@sll110]

yes, DEFINITELY

[@leahflower9924]

@@DonTwanX therapists almost never talk about grey rocking or family cut offs which is what a lot of us need

[@songwritingforsongwriters]

I have just spent 3 days listening to your videos and my mind is blown!!!! I feel like I've just awoken from The Matrix and now can't unsee or unhear what you've just said. I feel totally f***ed in one way like holy s**t I am screwed becuase I see myself and hear myself in so much of what you've said. On the other hand I feel like I've just been unveiled and maybe there's a way out

[@krustysurfer]

Jesus is the way out!

[@KR_11117]

Imagine what a gift to finally realize we are not the problem, that we weren’t born broken, that we can finally live a life free from burden!

[@krustysurfer]

@@KR_11117 where do you get that from? Maybe I'm not understanding what you are proposing by your statement... Please enlighten me if you have time to do so. Here's my take on what you just said... Thats like saying its the devils fault, or that it is everyone else's fault why we react the way we do...wrongly, selfishly sinfully... The new testament says we are born into a sinful fallen world where Jesus blood is the only way back to home with God healed and whole. We cannot forget that a lot of what Tim and others (psychological world) teach negates the need of a savior because the blame is shifted to outside ourselves or upon our traumatized selves... whereas the bible teaches sin falls squarely upon each of our shoulders because we know/knew right from wrong and used faulty emotions (response to past trauma big or little) to justify our wrong behavior upon people places and things and then we don't want to accept the consequences of doing wrong, acting selfishly, defensively, ultimately sinfully we cry out to God to escape the wages of sin. We've made a mess of our lives and the lives of others... Is it fair to ask God to fix the messes we've made and not to suffer the wages of sin? As children... yes, like spilling a glass of milk or throwing food from our high chairs, pooping our diapers... Who cleans up the messes, our parents and caregivers... What about the messes we create as adults? What burdens are fair to put on God as expectations? What happens when God doesn't do what we expect? Personally its tantrums, resentment, rage, hate and a broken relationship with Him, we blame God for the mess we are in so we run away from home to do it our own way and live the prodigal child's life fueled on pride wallowing in the filth of a fallen sinful world tarnishes the soul and keeps me from recognizing myself as a child of the most high! I did it, I broke the mirror and then blamed God for the horrific image staring back at me, I run back to my Father broken bleeding unsound faithless... Yes I see all of that sick cycle in my own life, I own it, I also make amends personally to those I've sinned against to undo the damage that I've done= true penance. God died for our sin covering so we may be acceptable in his sight... However leaving God to fix everything is the reason why this world is so crappy because of compounded unmitigated sin. Thank God for Jesus to help us through this mess of being naturally born sinners in a sinful world. I will own my sin and do my best not to blame people places things for my sinfulness and rely on Jesus blood to help clean me up teach me and show me how to walk as a child of God. God may forgive me but my fellow man may not. I consider those healthy expectations and a blueprint for life as an adult in Jesus. What is your opinion?

[@KR_11117]

@@krustysurfer sorry you are way off for me. I do make myself responsible for my actions as an adult, but not as a child. My bliss is understanding where all the pain came from, and I can work on modifying my reaction and actions, but I’m not the one that caused them, my the trauma inflicted on me. I would only be at fault if I know I’m doing something hurtful to others and I don’t do anything to modify my behavior, beside that, sorry you are on your own in this conversation

[@krustysurfer]

@@KR_11117 Thanks for trying. I never said we are personally responsible for harm done to us as children. I hear you.

[@artbysid]

@25:00 When Tim speaks about how a parent may want to fix a child when they are crying instead of inquring what was the source of pain is very important and relatable. For myself my father would use shame and punishment to stop my crying. I was put down for being too sensitive by him as well. While these experiences deeply scared me I can see based on what Tim is saying and my own issues that if I was to be a parent I too might find my child's crying difficult. This is valuable information to learn so that I don't have to repeat the cycle. Heck this stuff needs to be taught to foster parents as I often hear stories of how kids from troubled homes get put into troubled foster homes when the whole goal was to bring them to a safe place... what a double hit and disappointment for those kids. Thank you for this informative video!

[@scarlettking8246]

I've been with unsafe people that take advantage and use me. Leaving me angry at myself for allowing it to happen over and over again. I lost all hope and finally isolated for past 6 years . Only way I thought would keep damage to a minimum. It only made things worse in my life. Paralyzed emotionally, spiritually& physically. Thanks for giving hope where there was none.

[@wendyberdan7830]

Wow! He speaks to me right down in the soul. God bless you Tim!

[@DonTwanX]

We need to make this channel bigger. Can’t hide this light under a bushel basket. This information could heal so much hurt and prevent so much trauma.

[@imwatching2960]

Now I know why I never felt safe in my (well to do, nice, well behaved, smiling to the outside) family.

[@nickandrews2255]

It’s horrifoc hey it’s really horrifoc hey I really really really hate this I hate this so badly it hurts everywhere

[@krustysurfer]

​@@nickandrews2255yup

[@KR_11117]

Same here, I had a mother that looked to the outside world as the most self sacrificing person for the well being of her children. And in reality she was the unsafest person I have ever met, narcissist, angry and with very low cognition, just a recipe for disaster. I didn’t know about CT I always thought I was so shut down to everyone because I was probably spectrum…. But I’m not, I just had a very dangerous family

[@justinheer9098]

I love this , this is teaching me everything I've needed my entire life .

[@lisaeve6426]

I finally ended a relationship of just 6 months that seriously affected my health. I was doing so well before this man. I gave and gave and gave. Always listening to him vent and push boundaries. I am so angry at myself for ignoring the red flags

[@princepesa]

Amazing it took you only 6 months. Took my 6 years in, 5 yrs married and we have a child. Good job standing up yourself in just 6 months. I wish I did, they are very destructive people. Yet never too late to put a stop to the abuse. Enough is enough!

[@toriamari7748]

I recently almost lost my life to domestic violence and covid last year ... My mom also passed away suddenly. I'm only 24. I have TBI and post concussion syndrome and atypical behavior now. Also intermittent explosive disorder and ptsd. I really needed this clarification on what is a safe person because I'm so vulnerable

[@bethkirky]

I'm so sorry, I hope you're getting along okay and have found healthy ways to cope❤

[@kimandeep1]

Lots of love and hugs for you. You can be your own safe heaven. Be your own best friend first. That will open you up for so many new relationships.❣️

[@koolazul]

Love this. Very blessed to have found you Mr Fletcher.

[@user-zp4kr9vo5j]

😊I am glad I started listening to Tim. Thank you Tim.

[@andreahoyosl]

Estas charlas son tan útiles! Amo escucharlo cada mañana mientras me alisto para el trabajo. Aprendo tanto y me ha ayudado a superar muchas cosas. Doy gracias por sus enseñanzas y también me ha ayudado a acercarme más a Dios.

[@Angel-sc3go]

I've learned more from your seminars than I have in 20 years of therapy in counseling. Ty so much for explaining why I am the person I am today. And ty so much for these tools. I will try my hardest to apply them. I wish I had you in my life to help me sort and helpyself to be the person I want to be. Ty so much

[@acjom101]

I love your lectures. But there is something very disturbing in this truth - how predetermined we are. How difficult it is to escape the patterns in you head, espacially if you are complitley unaware of them…

[@damoab1909]

Omg he perfectly described my child's father. Someone you can never trust, who acts like a child, who jumps from woman to woman wanting her to fight his battles for him, pay his bills, and be his eye candy on social media. Then when you ask him for child support he tells you that he has a lot of friends who give their babymams child support and they blow it. Then he tells me how about I send the child a gift, give me the address. He never sent a gift, never met the child but he took a vacation with his new wife #3. Meanwhile, he has 2 kids from 2 baby mothers and 2 ex wives on top of the wife he has now. He is only 34. We just didn't grow up the same.

[@reg8297]

Exactly my entire life 50 years abuse from my mother then next partner abused me tore my mind apart brainwashed my own kids against it its pure evil to think I believed a pack of lies about who my mother told me I was I lived in terror my entire life and still feel the same

[@10Hags5]

Unsafeness is very contagious

[@pueblodonna4775]

Some people use your fears to control others

[@leahflower9924]

The problem with input is half the time it's coming from toxic people or people with toxic ideas

[@michelleswarts1223]

Thank you Tim you have helped me so much in my counseling studies

[@nataliemesbah1639]

What are some healthy reasons why a child wouldn’t want to be hugged by safe parents? In my mind, it’s a way they can control their autonomy or try to reject someone who first rejected them. I genuinely would like to know if it’s healthy to not want to feel physically held by safe people.

[@chandler2020]

Thank you

[@MsJ3ny]

Thank you ❤

[@BiruteNomedaStankuniene]

great talk

[@truthministry7462]

Powerful

[@Chris-yf2zs]

3:55 love and being safe for kids

[@TheAdhdGardener]

Thank you ssooo much for this series. Im sooooo afraid to pass on my issues onto my kid when I have one🌻

[@lindamaguire6607]

Here in the UK there is little available on the NHS and privately I have some issues with how much training and experience exists in helping with complex trauma .How do you see our situation?

[@annamc8228]

There were some rough interpersonal interactions that happened within the last day. I came home to relax and turned on this to finish it. I'm so glad I did. I realize the interactions I had were with unsafe people. I feel crummy but having a "toolbox" of what is safe and healthy helps tremendously to identify what I should be looking for when connecting with friends, family, and others.

[@krustysurfer]

Just because they are unsafe does it mean they are unworthy of love respect kindness? How do you relationship/friendship with them? If were supposed to stick with winners what about all the losers? Heck I can be a loser and not a winner does that mean im supposed to isolate until im under control?

[@krustysurfer]

*WHITE PILLED* Thanks Tim God bless you.

[@denisesancan9715]

How can I find help in Vancouver BC Canada----where somebody understands Complex Trauma?????

[@TimFletcher]

Denise Sancan We have a treatment centre in Surrey. The website is www.reactcentresurrey.ca We are working on opening a treatment centre in Vancouver. Hopefully in 2020

[@TimFletcher]

Denise Sancan We have a Treatment Centre in Surrey. www.reactcentresurrey.ca

[@TimFletcher]

tterie We are currently looking into starting a program in Edmonton. Email [e-mail] for more information

[@yamicanada]

💖💖💖💖💖💖

[@Horseyperson12]

Bingo

[@bee18825]

Can someone please tell me how I’m supposed to create relationships with safe people 😭😭😭

[@kellylynn6228]

I’ve heard a few places. Work on becoming a safe person yourself and you’ll attract other safe people. Jennie Allen has a book called Find Your People.

[@nealwailing3870]

Being vegan is right!

[@sarahalderman3126]

I have such a difficult time listening to these bible stories. I’m really trying to work on my deficiencies but this relationship with god is one of my main stumbling blocks. Finding it nearly impossible to forgive him for his failure to protect me or any of the other little children harmed by sick and demented adults. I find myself able to forgive the sick adults for their failures due to the trauma they themselves experienced and then later inflicted. However god has no such excuse being that he’s supposedly all powerful. Why does it still and always feel like this god is just sadistic evil A*shole?

[@sarahalderman3126]

Not to mention how freaking sick and disgusting it is to hear the way this demented god treated women as entirely inhumane. How the heck are we supposed to trust this sadistic being that encourages pedophilia, incest, and rape? Absolutely sickening. I really have to stop listening to these. The fact that so many people believe this nonsense is disconcerting enough.

[@startwinkle5562]

On the surface, it may appear so but that's not the case at all. I used to think so myself. I'm so sorry that you went through something horrific 😢.

[@kimandeep1]

I also felt an anger feeling before you start seeing that there are so many people around you that don’t even know how hurt they are. Just living life in suffering. Once you see it, you feel like you are literally at a different place than your previous self and others around you. Then you see how vast your life experiences have made you. Then you start seeing your sufferings as gifts from god that slowly unlocked the doors that lead to the Almighty(within you). It is a slow and patient process that you can’t just speed up. You just have to stay intentional on juicing the nectar out of the past experiences when the divine moment comes. That’s all that counts.. DO YOUR BEST AND LEAVE THE REAT❣️

[@kimandeep1]

Rest

[@misspeach3755]

If people don't allow God into their lives and hearts, then they open themselves up for the enemy and become a tool of the evil one. God has given us free will. People get to choose on whose team they want to play. Forgiving a friend is easy, forgiving an enemy ... is a tough but refining lesson which brings you closer to God if you allow it.

[@reneewachter1925]

Tim, I love your teaching A LOT but on Jacob and Esau, I don't think it is the way happens. With our Western culture, we see the story this way. But in God's culture, it was not at all the way you describe. God himself did not like Esau, he knows Esau is not going to care about God's business. And today, the descendants of Esau is Edom who hates Israel. Jacob's mother knew that too. Grabbing the heel is seen in Genesis too, the enemy will dominate but God said" You will crush his heel". Now, maybe Jacob and his mother "helped" God like we all do include Sara for her promised son. Esau who was "dying" sold his birthright for soup. And you see the wrong of Jacob? Really? Esau insulted his father, mother, and God. Jacob was not interested for the inheritance, he did it to continue God's business which Esau never care about and never did.

[@sultrysophist]

You're justifying Jacob taking advantage of his brother's hunger and then deceiving his father to steal the blessing which was intended for him? That seems a little bit silly, doesn't it? I'm pretty sure God is about truth, if anything.

[@Forestgump12able]

YOUR DEFINITLY PROGRESSING IN YOUR THOUGHTS. BELIEFS AS WE ALL ARE. THANK YOU FOR CARING AND WORKING TO UNDERSTAND YOUR BROTHER.

[@artluvr6170]

Tim’s discussion about trauma is amazing. The Biblical myths are garbage though. No one on the planet knows anything about the nature of god or even whether one actually exists. For Tim to pretend that knows about the nature of god is a lie and undoes his message about safe people.

[@sarahalderman3126]

He has a few videos about people who feel this way about religion/god… which have actually been somewhat helpful for me, as I feel very much the same as you have expressed. Additionally he does say that the religious part at the end of each video is optional. I find that it is easier to just skip them until or if you feel open to it. ❤

[@misspeach3755]

My relationship with God made me a safe(r) person and cured many of my cPTSD symptoms when I didn't even know that this was my issue. I haven't fully healed yet, but like I said: Inviting Jesus Christ into my heart made me realize so much in an instant that hours of videos couldn't.

[@OR65693]

24:50 Telling your child to "smarten up" is abusive. Would you tell your spouse or client that they're stupid? So how is it okay to say that to your child? Good thing Tim's not a parent. Oh, wait...

[@krustysurfer]

What is the point?

[@misspeach3755]

It's good that you're not a parent because you obviously don't know how manipulative kids roll (who he was talking about in that context).

[@Jewgirl2911]

As much as I enjoy your videos, the biblical stuff you’re usually not that far from the mark - but this one is way off. Leah’s name in Hebrew means “delicate” or “weary”. There’s way more, too much more, but I’ll leave this much here. I’m usually able to determine for most people to help them gain some perspective, I don’t usually say much about your take on the Bible. Leah was a sad woman and if you’d like to know why, it’s because she was promised to the first born of isaac’s sons - she was to be given to Esaú and the girls knew it. When Jacob showed up alone, Labon took advantage of that and manipulated Jacob. It is said that Leah’s eyes were sore from crying out to God to rescue her from Esaú - however, I’d like to believe that she may have been able to turn him around if given the chance - but Labon destroyed that one. Shalom and blessings.

[@fairygurl9269]

🫂Here's To Being Authentically Safer

[@Gigiyoungerme]

Thank you