Anger and Complex Trauma - Part 11/11 - Gaslighting

[@TimFletcher]

💜 Please be aware of scammers impersonating Tim or the Tim Fletcher team! We do not provide any phone numbers in the comments and Tim does not chat privately with viewers. We will never ask you to join us on a messaging app. When in doubt, reach out to us via our website at timfletcher.ca. Stay safe and scam-aware. With Love, The Tim Fletcher Team.

[@IamAnson777]

Great talk, but, why do soooooo many therapists just assume that abused people have good support systems such as family or friends? the family is the original abuser! And the reason we got into a toxic relationship in the first place!

[@a.pieceofpie]

Except at around 30mins or so, he uses family as the culprit.

[@christinelamb1167]

@Anson7777 This is true! I have noticed that so often people are advised to "rely on their support system" when trying to get out of/recover from an abusive relationship. But what about someone like me, who has no family anymore (had to cut them out of my life to keep myself safe), or any friends. I know it's hard for some to fathom that a person could have NO friends, but this is a very sad reality for some of us! NO friends, as in ZERO. No one!

[@SaveUSA1000]

So true

[@TheBeautyBehindTheBlackness]

Are there not some situations where the partner is soly at fault? I perceive that my partner gaslit me, but towards the end it sounds like he is responding like I was the narcissist. Like this is really sick. I didn't have family and friends. He was the only person. I truly didn't mean to criticize him. But he literally appeared to do things incorrectly on purpose. And he would tell me that's how he felt, like what you're saying verbatim. Could he have looked up this and study it to make me think I'm the narcissist. Like now I feel really fucked up

[@TheBeautyBehindTheBlackness]

Like was I the fucking Narcissist

[@justpgit]

I want to point out that these pattern of behaviour aren't just related to a partner but often a PARENT as well

[@MyhandlerisYeshua]

Also grown-up children

[@christwarrior144]

especially PARENTS children in adult bodies

[@sammyspaniel6054]

In my wife's case is a coworker

[@lukedegraaf1186]

Is it sick that ive learned to do it on purpose and will do it when people do it to me?

[@allaboutdetox7526]

politicians do it all the time GLOBALLY

[@rubberbiscuit99]

I married someone who did this to me, intentionally. After only 2 years of marriage I told my mother that my spouse was abusive, and I thought I should leave. Her response: "Do you really think you can do that?" More gaslighting. It took me 26 years to leave the marriage. I still find it hard to believe I got out. A few years later, after my mother passed, I moved closer to my family, and my older sibling began to gaslight me. She was supported by my father and brother. Mental abuse in a family is very damaging and widespread. The extended family normalizes it and participates. It is dangerous. I am fully no contact now.

[@jenniferAKABUT]

Wow he is very correct

[@devoradamaris]

🫂

[@Jennifer-gr7hn]

Sure is (mental abuse in family). I ws gang bullied by every one, and all I wanted was love, so I was addicted to breadcrumbs and it was very hot, very cold. My goodness, yes, the gaslighting. I won't go into my story, but basically I never married because I never had peace with any of the guys I dated....now I know why My radar was sharp and my hypervigilence in knowing I was going to be alone in this relationship and that relationship, etc. One parent was dismissive and with agitated, impatient covert narc abuse, and the other was physically abusive, verbally hostile and then when it was over he cried he was so sorry.....what a rollercoaster and led me to a lot of issues that were hard to pinpoint since I didn't have addictions to drugs, alcohol, smoking, I was waiting for marriage. Well, it came out in relationships, stress, feeling fight when I started something new, aaaalways felt I would fail or mess up ,be alone and not able to handle myself or take care of myself, etc. What a mess. I'm glad you're out and I'm sorry it all happened. I get it and feel with and for you. Congratulations and glad you too a very brave step. The christian gaslighting is wicked too

[@StephenPuddicombe1]

​​@@Jennifer-gr7hn well said, thank you for sharing. Know this happens to men also, I know I'm a male and experienced almost the same as you...I never married.

[@ladygracesparkles]

I'm a proud member of the club of no return.

[@jackietripp1716]

no one wants to get envolved in abuse situations. i was surrounded by toxic narcissists for years and everyone around me shrugged it off. The lack of support reinforces the stigma that it must be your fault.

[@kimberlyfowler5748]

I think a lot of people didn’t know what it was before KZbin

[@iRockwthMJ]

So true!

[@victorial8764]

How did you get better? Are you? You seem very self aware. If you don’t mind answering. I am just trying to follow what others did to heal.

[@rockstarofredondo]

That is exactly what has always happened to me. I am booting all of these people that shrugged it off out of my life.

[@deejakes1655]

You'll find that whilst gaslighting they are also playing mind games with others around you, using pernicious lies and slights so they too think you're slightly crazy. Therefore they brush you off as they've already been primed against you.

[@pattymarquez1063]

This has to be the best explanation of emotional abuse I have heard so far.

[@EnglishFuture-xg1gw]

tim is just fabulous

[@mknels1299]

Same

[@belovedchild9812]

I agree! So validating. I’m going to ask my therapist to watch this.

[@slimshany4602]

👍 i agree!

[@mcawesomest1]

The worst part is when you have evidence or you stand your ground when your being gaslit it can result in a volcano eruption of rage from the gaslighter.

[@torasacramento4905]

Especially when the OP didn't really show these tendencies for YEARS -- Holy Crap - I feel its all my fault - like I'm failing in ALL aspects in my relationship

[@MHLivestreams]

Narcissistic rage is quite something. That's when you've really made their mask slip!

[@ANinjasMom]

And myself😢. I explode

[@MotleyShrew-iz9ms]

​@torasacramento4905 is not your fault. This is precisely what your Narcissistic Abuser wants you to think and feel. They twist everything to put themselves as the victim and you as the one with the problem. Please read about Narcissistic abuse to educate your precious heart about how dangerous they are--- Narcs are predators... it's impossible to even have open communication with them because every time they see it as a Blame Game and they will blame shift because they don't have the capability of being accountable for their own behaviors they're harsh actions. Each time you speak to them it is like a game for them in control how they can control your mind your emotions your feelings the expression on your face the tears that run down your face only makes them more content. They get dopamine, the Happy hormone, from hurting you. We get dopamine from experiencing nature and happy things and for doing nice things for other people and ourselves, they get the happy hormone a hit of dopamine did their brain every single time they heard us exploit us frustrated us wound up abuse us rage on us. Have you ever noticed that your narcissist make whistle or sing a tune or home as if the happiest person on earth right after you've had a terrible argument, right after another horrible blow up from them, they are content with themselves so much so as to display their happiness and while they're whistling with the remote in hand they are going to get something to eat in the kitchen they're taking a nap on the couch meanwhile we are left to feel frustrated confused disheveled absolutely mind boggled trying to figure out figure out what went wrong what just happened why does he not care this and that runs through our head we rehearse everything that was said and we are still in shock that they could say such things to us and make us feel that way and then we punish ourselves the rest of the day and maybe even the rest of the week over the lies they told us about ourselves that it's all our fault. You deserve better. You deserve the 🌎 world. Narcissists cannot charge they cannot experience therapy as they gaslight, manipulate, lie, twist, play nice but are the wolf in sheeps clothing in front of the therapist and they will pin all your relationship problems onto you in therapy. They use therapy as another GAME to control the mind of the therapist regarding how they themselves are perceived & use that time to further control and manipulate you. Get out now. Your self-worth& your future depend on it .

[@miller5170]

It had went from destruction of breakable objects and leaving to verbal abuse and long time of punishment afterwards to physical abuse over bringing anything up that ever happened before . And zero response on verbal or messages from my end to validate.

[@poison_plays]

I was gaslighted by my family from the time I was a toddler. My eldest brother sexually abused me when I was three. They pretended he never did anything to me and hoped I'd forget. A therapist told them that was what they should do. I didn't know who I was or have any trust in my thoughts, feelings, beliefs, judgments or memories until I was over 30. I have CPTSD and multiple comorbid diagnoses (including quiet/discouraged BPD). Don't gaslight children. Especially about their experiences of abuse. It does immeasurable harm.

[@Areyouanarcissist]

So sorry you had to survive such sickness.

[@iporose4093]

Im sorry to say that your story is one i relate to so much! Ive never met anyone like me whos family pretended things with my brother didnt happen... tried to make me believe it never did... God Bless you for being so Strong!

[@jnikkd50]

I'm sorry you're family did that to you 😢

[@CanadianDrifter777]

Thank you ver much for sharing that! It helps me because I can relate. In my case, the gaslighting and psychological manipulation when I tried to get answers and validation about the abuse was way more damaging to me than the initial abuse. I wish you healing, peace and joy now. ✌️

[@azumi5459]

yes, I still remember my cousin groped me while I was sleeping, when I was in elementary student. and now he have this good image and even my own parents praised him a lot. I feel disgusted for everytime I see him but I can't tell anyone about that. I keep wondering if he still remember about it whenever he see me.

[@marthawhite3353]

This perfectly explains my childhood and the last relationship I just ended. I say ended, because it took many, many break ups to finally get rid of him. These abusers know how to target their prey, and just as you say - they know who the best targets are. The key is to HEAL your own childhood complex trauma, so that you can now say as an adult - "No, thank you!! Next!"

[@thienvu8120]

You keep saying him. My wife was a huge gas lighter. 6 years away and I'm still healing.

[@jude8132]

my mother 100%

[@teznejensel9099]

❤ bless you 🙏 all for enduring this

[@brennanleyen]

We all know women do it too. He says “him”’ because to say him/her each time would be clunky

[@boredpandacafe]

Sigh. This one hurt. This episode hurts. Gaslighting is like you're constantly asking yourself if you're really that stupid... While sitting here listening and watching this episode, I recognized that my heart rate and breathing were increasing. I felt as though my body was in anxiety.

[@BodyLanguageAnalysisInterrogat]

I completely agree, probably the worst manipulation. If you don't know it's happening, it leaves you a pile of mush, if you survive and have the will to live.

[@BodyLanguageAnalysisInterrogat]

Even if you know about gaslighting, the gaslighters, it still a good idea to have a trusted SAFE friend or SAFE therapist to run scenario because you STILL might not see it and it will still effect you. It may be you grew up with and never saw the gaslighting with family and friends, so it may be VERY hard to find a SAFE person.

[@ts3858]

@@BodyLanguageAnalysisInterrogat Absolutely...! 🙏

[@bellakrinkle9381]

Minds like MSM!

[@maryhillebran103]

The truth hurts so bad. This is the best explanation i have heard so far. It will be a journey out and this gives me hope. I went no contact and I am greatful for these videos to help walk through what to expect and how to deal with this better. God keeps telling me I have today with Him..let's walk in healing. Thank you for posting this.

[@Poliflix76]

I have listened to hundreds if not thousands of videos on gaslighting and narcissism to figure out all the toxic evil people around me from family to coworkers and no one has ever explained it all better! Thank you!

[@TheKezmeister2011]

Amazing right? He has got it down to a T

[@benguensche]

The problem is that people convince themselves that even a ham sandwich is a gaslighting narcissist

[@scottdouglas2490]

@@benguensche Ladies and Gentlemen, we found 'em.

[@MyRedCarrot]

Just a sidenote that also "regular" people can gaslight you "accidentally". They don't necessarily have to be narcissists. Many people just have poor communication skills. What matters is how able and willing they are to admit their fault and look in the mirror. Also it's useful to acknowledge that often narcs might claim they have been gaslit, hence they are often the "victims". Therefore this is a very complicated and nuanced topic.

[@AA-iy4gm]

Good point, a lot of people default to fake niceties and will say things that are not genuine but for the purpose of keeping the peace, looking good to others, avoiding conflict at all cost, or because it's more convenient and less bothersome and so on but what differentiates them from narcissists is that they usually don't have the other narcissist characteristics. People should still reflect and resolve why they are running away from being genuine because there is too much fakeness in the world to the point that it creates unhealthy lives, creates people that are consumed by what others think and then they in turn do the same to others, and that can often result in peer pressure, lying and sometimes in bullying.

[@Clevelandsteamer324]

A narcissist will always try to isolate you from friends and family. You are to be their possession and a constant source of supply

[@bryanpedgessr.1872]

I’ve been isolated from most of my support system. Anyone who offers me support is deemed “a manipulator” that my wife tries to sever from me. I get punished for maintaining contact with my support and those people are demonized. I tried to leave before we had children. She found me, hovered me back with promises of change, and now after marriage and three children my investment is my prison, my wife is my warden and my abuser. I wish I had a safe way out but I can’t find one that doesn’t involve extreme hardship and danger to myself and my children.

[@K4ENK4I]

You mean I'm not overly sensitive??? All those times where I confronted him on his stuff, his stuff was GASLIGHTING!! Then he gaslighted me about his GASLIGHTING!! Oh my goodness, this is a life changing talk! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!!

[@eclipsedawn9]

Yes gaslighting for addressing gaslighting! Classic!

[@bellakrinkle9381]

MSM...

[@GodIsLove1John416]

Story of my life

[@selvitystila]

😅

[@janwisz4070]

Don’t feel alone.. I fell for it too

[@LivingDr3adgirl]

There was such tension in my body as i listened. Me holding my breath and forgetting to breathe. But also relief as he explained and validated me after all those years in hell. This video opened the door for some radical self compassion. Thank you.

[@IamAnson777]

Omgosh my mother did those to me me entire life! I wish i would have left her years ago 😢. My whole life was stolen from me by her, i didn't wake up until i turned 60... Just feels too late now for a normal life ..

[@clairobics]

It's never too late to be true to yourself

[@juliedeschenes4612]

I’m in the same situation. I’m 55. I send you love from Québec city. ❤🫂

[@ruthbarnes9999]

64 here and feel exactly the same. For some things it is too late. But other 5hings we still have time for.

[@CALredhead]

I'm 73 and finally healing in the last 2 years. It's NEVER too late to heal from a gaslighting parent. (in my case, a grandiose narcissist mother who delighted in physically, psychologically & emotionally abusing & minimizing her children... & an absent codependent alcoholic father). After decades of therapy, I'm finally working with a therapist who's a trauma specialist & helping me heal my inner child. I realized that I just don't have many years left & I HAD to figure this out & heal before I leave this earth! And I finally am! And you CAN heal too!

[@AnaAlmeida001]

I’m 50 and still learning and rebuilding myself. Narcissistic parents and just got divorced after a 30 years long relationship of codependency. Everyday is a new step in our lives journey. Everyday is a new day ❤

[@FrolickerFashions]

I never got an answer why he refused to mow the yard, why he slept in the other room, why he never bought me a present or furnishings for the home in 12 years, where all his money went if he had to work ALL the time, but was always broke, why he'd never walk out and look at my garden I tilled and grew. He'd never addressed any points I made, but would turn the conversation into how I was saying it. I did everything for that emo child of a man. Even if we went on an adventure, he'd be hiking far away from me, or sleep while I drove, or go out to eat or camping if all his buddies were going. He'd only do things for money or praise, but was helpful to his co-workers in skydiving... where his bromances were losers. If he cooked or did laundry, he'd only cook for himself or do his own laundry. Everything I did was with him in mind as a team. I've never spent so much time at home alone. I used to be a highly social and creative being. Both our dads were narcissists. I became the anxious attachment style and he became the neglectful narcissist. I knew he wasn't a psychopath, so I never considered that he was a full blown narcissist. I thought they were the same thing. I just said he was a self centered nice guy. My digestion has been messed up for 3 years and he could have cared less. I tried a better diet and detox, but realized my life depended on getting rid of him, because the gaslighting, rumination, anger, neglect and cortisol was what was making me sick.

[@TheBhopali1]

This is my story!!

[@PamKopp-ot7fd]

Wow my hysband works six days a week but reminds we need money so I dont spend anything never came out to help me with my horses unless I insisted and when we do things "together" he isnt anywhere near me ie went fishing he always ends up on the other side of the lake even on our honeymoon I began to buy my own presents because hes cheap 36 years ive been in this

[@yvonneb-t3d]

This is exactly how my ex was in our marriage.

[@laurahenry3562]

You just described m life my husband 🤦‍♀️

[@lilylancaster3571]

Almost exact same boat!

[@shelsea7245]

What about during the gaslighting stage when they slowly turn your friends, neighbors and your own family against you? By convincing them with lies and deception that you're the problem, how they've been the victim all along. To the point that you have no one to turn to because they have successfully turned your friends and family against you.....even your own children. By then my soul was gone which left me in the darkest place that I never thought existed.

[@timmywitty1432]

I hope you are healing, l am sorry you have suffered such pain and abuse.

[@carolinevdvlies6969]

This is pure evil: triangulation mixed with gaslighting and isolate you. I’m so hoping you’re in a better place now💜

[@infiniLor]

How *now* wisdom owl? How you doing?

[@LisaValentine1]

This happened to me by my ex over a 22 year marriage; prior to that by my narcissistic family. I’m surprised I’ve survived this far. I hope you have. I think this abuse causes most suicides.

[@Clevelandsteamer324]

It’s called a “smear campaign “

[@ilovesamyo]

I can’t say how much I need, NEED, these videos. I have multiple NPDs in my life and I feel..........destitute and depressed. I need these videos to get me, REMIND me, what’s real/fake/abusive etc. i HAVE TO GET BACK TO MYSELF. My life depends on it

[@dottyp137]

I was there. You can do this. Keep educating yourself and getting validation of what you have experienced and in a couple of years time you’ll be strong. I thought I would never heal but I was wrong. Still on the path, not the same person ( and that’s sad), but I am stronger and wiser. Take good care of you.

[@eclipsedawn9]

You aren’t alone in this struggle.

[@EnglishFuture-xg1gw]

you are doing great

[@sonyavail1585]

Me too😭

[@brendacarey5207]

Please leave those people I don’t know you but no one deserves this behavior in there life. I got out and it’s taken a few years to make a decision with asking someone. My life is much more peaceful and I can see how messed up they are now that they are not around. I cut off both parents and spouse. My children tell memories of how screwed up our situation was. I want to try to make things right and I had so many much financially to lose. I started video taping and I knew it wasn’t me. Some of my friends still blame me tell me it’s in my head but my children know.

[@Superanima7]

They also overreact to reinforce topics they want you to avoid

[@dgvfsa66]

My mother and 3 sisters gaslighted me my entire life. It was, and still is, so devastating that I actually dissociated so often that I no longer remember most of my childhood. I still don't know what was real, and I never will.

[@Paulathompson1712]

Same 😢

[@yvonnes7412]

Yeah I don’t remember most of my childhood. I’m still amazed by people that actually remember it. 😅😂😂

[@yvonneb-t3d]

Same

[@graemecunningham1264]

This man is amazing. All these videos are so on point. Experienced all this over 4 years, well 3.5, 1st 6 months was pure bliss or so it seemed but really just illusion. I was strong but have been hollowed out by a very physically beautiful but highly manipulative lady. Will take time to build myself back up. Had a breakdown and had to quit my job and moved country to escape. These types of people who perpetrate this stuff are extremely dangerous to one's health. Should have a health warning tattoed on their foreheads so people can see them coming Thank you for your videos, they are a great help

[@punyashloka4946]

True Narcissism is the worst kind of abuse , it is the worst of worst of abuse.

[@ladyj5682]

Wow, glad you acknowledged, identified and literally escaped with your life. These people are so slick and cunning that they can slip in undetected bc the web has already captured your heart with their wilds. They are some of the most dangerous and sickest people in the world. And when you find yourself making excuses for them when others say something then your own your way to losing. So glad you were strong enough to leave

[@larondabourn6610]

What I’ve appreciated most is that someone can tell me why I do the insane things I do with being insane. I’M NOT CRAZY!!! And I’m not alone. Plus, turns out I’m sorta a badass-an awkward one though, like walking blindfolded in a dark room through water. We’re all so much stronger than most people will ever know. We were mentally crushed and/or Erased by the very people we’d usually (and often did) because there was no one left to run to when we had something to run from! I can’t treat my girls like that, although too often they seen my protect myself when I feel rejected. Well, I see self-protection and they see punishment for saying no to me.

[@larondabourn6610]

@@punyashloka4946 It’s like someone finally being interested in and loving you. With a smile full of practiced charm, they invite you into a warm embrace-just so you’re close enough to (surprise!) rip your guts from your body and then convince you that it’s what you wanted or needed. Then they go away and you’re left to shove enough of your guts back in to keep going.

[@chynadoll77cyn59]

Yes 🙌🏾 is I don’t know how he popped up on my algorithm but I’ve been watching a lot of of his videos and following. He is a fresh breath air. ❤

[@calliemorgan1051]

Hi. Actually the scientific reason behind the memory loss in gaslighting is because the only person who's word you believe is telling you that your memory is inaccurate, and often telling you what actually happened. The brain basically becomes scrambled because it is unable to access a memory to confirm this false version of reality and as a result loses the actual memory.

[@bryanpedgessr.1872]

My memory has become so screwed I forget all kinds of things and I have to constantly ask others for reminders, and even that I forget. I’m so used to my narcissistic wife telling me what to remember I think my brain is just always waiting for someone else to tell me what my memories are instead of recalling them myself.

[@HB-wl3nv]

Actually, C-PTSD causes neurological damage and it can/does affect short-term memory loss incredibly. So it can be either/or, or it can be both at the same time.

[@nathanconn562]

23:50 “The three things you need to move forward in life in a healthy way.” + Self image, accurate view of reality, self trust.

[@Nick_Taylor.]

Interesting that this wonderful lecturer, Tim Fletcher, used a spousal template. I'm here because my mother was my gaslighter. My complex trauma originates from this childhood mother-son gaslighting.

[@huldagud]

Minute 18:30 where Tim talks about the narcissist crowning himself as king for putting up with you and all your faults. That hit home. My ex would constantly tell me what a nice guy he was putting up with living with me who was so broken. I am a 14 y survivor of stage IV breast cancer. I worked full time, took care of the kids, the house, everything. But no, he was the great guy who earned more money than me [he would constantly rub that in my face] and everything was all thanks to him and his greatness 🤴 👑. It has taken me a long time to realize what was actually going on in my relationship and what happened in my life. Slowly healing from complex trauma. Thank you for your great lectures, insight and deep understanding. It has been VERY helpful.

[@jeanettelynn6705]

The last tens years of my life. Eroded my self esteem. This was so spot on. Turned everyone against me…my memory turned to shit and i feared him coming home from work. He constantly accused me of being the problem and made me second guess everything. Then he would call me a gaslighter and narcissist. Crazy making

[@januarybaby]

Right around the 13 minute mark just changed EVERYTHING for me. I thought I was the ONLY person who did that. I never knew this could also be happening to another person on the same level as myself. Wow. Just. Wow.

[@PrincessPixieBell]

“The worst type of abuse possible” My parents making gaslighting a big part of their parenting

[@ginapeselj3132]

Yes, that is what I've done, lying to him to avoid criticism and anger, lying to others about him to avoid shame

[@iw9338]

When I learned that I am Fully known by my Abba Father & He deeply loves Me, the healing became deep & profound. The pleasing & proving decreased emensley. Learning to be kind to me, & others. I should have a funeral for the doormat. Lol😊❤💜

[@rmcd839]

At the 5 minute mark, or before, I feel like Tim was living on my shoulders. I have a person in my life who has carried out every detail he explains in this video. It's so good to get more validation on what I experienced. It is so accurately stated, it's scary.

[@janwisz4070]

You must be mistaken because Tim is speaking directly to me 😂

[@GG-ul8ne]

​@@janwisz4070Haha, I see what you did there 😅😂

[@dottyp137]

My next door neighbours were doing this to me, took me near 20 years to understand what was happening ( thank you KZbin channels). Still living next door but no contact is in place. They can fill their boots with their smear campaigns. I have complex trauma ( and have been gaslit forever) and was a complete people pleaser. This talk hits home so much. Thank you. 🙏🏻☺️

[@dottyp137]

@Ken Richard I don’t have those skills 😁, nor the time. 😊

[@infiniLor]

OH MY GOD!!!!! You wrote EXACTLY my situational synopsis, SAME, all details .. so soul destroying

[@dickmullen3750]

20 years. Damn you must be a special kind of stupid.

[@karenmininni4962]

This video is absolutely jam packed with such helpful information. In the last six months I went No Contact with two abusers. Now I have to free the abuse from my mind, body, spirit and soul. Thank you Tim.

[@christinelamb1167]

That's the hard part, isn't it? We get the abusers out of our life, but we're still left with their words ringing through our mind, body, spirit, and soul.But going no contact is a good start. Then we have the space to begin to think clearly and do the hard work of healing.

[@JuliaShalomJordan]

God bless u for uncovering the tactics the enemy uses to destroy our self worth.❤

[@ketherwhale6126]

That is what made me painfully shy and have zero self esteem as a child. I hid from major socialization with no confidence because if my mother felt that way what’s the rest of the world seeing. I rarely put my hand up in school was withdrawn and quiet. My report card said Blank is so quiet, so reticent so withdrawn . I actually am starting to forget that report card. Yet my mother did nothing. Today that sort of report would set up alarms 🚨. This was back in the mid 1960’s.

[@janetgardner6774]

My mother told me I was painfully shy, but the family dysfunction ignored. Those two things don't make any sense whatsoever. If she saw pain, how could have the pain have been projected onto the outside world as an excuse and the child blamed and ignored, was this the way emotional neglect was handled in the 60's? What a bunch of weak ass crap.

[@fionagrant2023]

l've been following this series. l am gaslit regularly throughout my childhood and life by both alcoholic narcissitic parents and sibling. Disgusting

[@dnk4559]

Thank you for doing these amazing videos! I’m so thankful for the perspective of complex trauma and dysfunctional relationships from a Christian pastor who gets it.

[@KJ-pu8dw]

For me it was a parent that treated me like this. So when my now ex wife treated me the same way it just seemed normal.

[@elisemiller13]

important word here is Ex...means you recognized abuse

[@KJ-pu8dw]

​@@elisemiller13 eventually yes.

[@chelseamccampbell6556]

When that confusion set in and the conflict increased it caused me to really stop and pull the entire relationship apart. Once a strong, confident, intelligent woman... I became a shell, confused by little scenarios, and felt anxiety like never before. I have been with a literal narcissist.... I realized this was different and this man was an actual psychopath! I tried to change myself for him after being stripped of every piece of me left... I'm now breaking away slowly, my own complex trauma doesn't allow me to just pull away like ripping off a bandaid, I have done that in the past and destroyed myself worse. It's realizing what they are doing and making your plan to end it and never go back.

[@larondabourn6610]

My gaslighting was done by my mother, starting around the age of 8 or 9. Some of it was probably deliberate. The rest, I think, was a natural byproduct of her own trauma and mental illness. I could never be sure if, today, something is still right because it was right yesterday. Should I wash my hair before bed or in the morning. (Turns out neither was right.) I think my strongest memory of the influence of her gaslighting was after lunch in high school. There was always a “meetin’ in the ladies room” so we could make sure our lip gloss was on and our hair still looked good. I checked my teeth didn’t have any food in my teeth. Looked good! Then I immediately turned to a friend and asked her if my teeth were clean…because I didn’t trust my own perception.

[@mysterydiaz5302]

I became scapegoat at around 11 years old when last sibling was born. I loved that little girl. I took care of her a lot now she’s like her mother and other siblings….narcissists. Me and my dad were emotionally brutally abused. He never figured it out period after the last child finished college he finally divorced her. When he got old and I’m able to care for himself so well narcissists stepped in and pretended to bring him back into the fold invited him for holidays etc.… And manipulated inheritance. I got screwed. I refuse to see how horrible those family members really were. I kept making excuses for them. My position escaped out followed me into the workplace. Life has been tough

[@mknels1299]

Ditto

[@tomk2926]

Did she ever say your too sensitive?

[@larondabourn6610]

@@tomk2926 No. after a while, I simply shut down my feelings and accept that that’s just a baseline for me. If I’d been unhappy about whatever was going on: 1. She’d prey on that weakness, but not at that moment. She’d keep it to win by hurting me another time. Or… 2. She frequently said “If you don’t like it you can leave.” What I could never do was go to my bedroom and just be alone. But I couldn’t cry there because we had no doors anywhere except those those we could almost close completely. BESIDES, she would always ask me what I was “doing up there that I can’t do down?” So I just shut it all up and went downstairs to do nothing but sit by her and do nothing. Nothing! Even at 20! I didn’t go away to college, or get an apartment, or run into the night. For the first time in my life, I didn’t ask if I could leave. She hadn’t acknowledged at all for two days (again!) all I had planned to do was watch a movie at a college mate’s house. So when I told her my plan, she said, “If you go, don’t come back.” So I went and didn’t go back. The next day was my 21st birthday and what pushed me in was my certainty that nothing would change and I would probably die in a roach- and rodent-infested 100 year old 18-room house alone. So what’s your story?

[@larondabourn6610]

@@mysterydiaz5302 I was 8-9 years old when my mother got pregnant with my only (half) sibling. Just before my brother was born, one day she casually told me someone would come to a place where I’d stay in a closet and feed me when they felt like it. I soon put enough pieces to know place where kids went to when they didn’t have parents. The only way I wouldn’t have no parents if they got rid of me. At bedtime I asked why no one had come, there was no “I was teasing you honey/idiot.” It was never, ever “honey”! Instead, it was, “They forgot about you. They’ll probably come tomorrow.” Like you, I adored my brother. Unfortunately, after feeling unwanted and unloved, I have spent 50 years worrying about food, my brother represented the fact that was living in her house on borrowed time and needed to serve a purpose. So keeping food and a bedroom. And now I’m trying to let go of an overwhelming, unhealthy way of being “if found, please call ----.” It’s only been about six months since I’ve put my past in better perspective. Since then, I’ve been willing to relax around my husband of 26 years! 😏 And I can see that there is a lot of collateral damage to put in place and clean up. And my two adult daughters have their own to dust up from having me as their mother. So I figure this is a good to have a fresh look to see what insecurities I’ve passed on, help if I can for mistakes that will make life unnecessarily difficult, and if honestly admit when I am confident I did the VERY BEST AI could with what I had to work with! After all, I don’t know how much time I’ve got left. It’s like George Michael sang “and I wanna get me some happy.” 😉

[@eclipsedawn9]

“ you fondle my trigger then you blame my gun” -Fiona Apple

[@soundimpact4633]

My prayer at this stage of life in a recent huge life change was "Lord open doors that no man can shut, and shut doors that no man can open, as I walk forward in faith..."

[@anneboyle2240]

Amen ❤

[@fabulouslife4646]

Years later I found the term for this. Whenever I would bring up an event with my mother that put her in a negative light, she would say "that never happened" or "no, this is how it happened." After I got a response to different situations about 10+ times, I had to really question her sanity because there is no way my memory is that bad. Once I started learning about the gaslighting and the effects, I realized how my mother's behavior deteriorated my mental health... can't rememebering whether I locked the door or closed the garage, constand self-doubt :-( On the road to recovery :-)!

[@christinelamb1167]

My mother is the queen of re-writing history! I was rendered speechless with my jaw dropped to the floor on occasions when she would spin a story that never happened, or what did actually happen but she made up a completely different outcome (of course which put her in a positive light, or her as the victim). I went no contact 4 years ago, finally at the age of 56! I'm now 60, and trying to heal the best I can with the years I have left in my life.

[@CH-5977]

@@christinelamb1167 When I finally brought up all the childhood memories and abuse to my mom I was in my 40s....she didn't "remember" any of it. Instead she said I just like to focus on the negative instead of the positive, like her. Abusers are all the same.

[@wirelessunday9897]

The truth hurts...Please God remove this trauma and allow me to grow 🙏🏻 INJ❤

[@barbarapatton2377]

I am only 6 weeks into getting educated on this. You have hit the bulls eye. I am at the fuzzy memory stage and maybe beyond. 26 years of living in this. I had not a clue. Getting smarter now. But need a lot of help. Would like to get out. But how? Don’t want to lose my home. Where would I go. I am 81 but young and very active. I love my animals

[@Jae-lg6nv]

You guys. I got it bad. It's like I finally looked up and I don't recognize anything I see. I keep asking myself- who am I now? When the real questions I need to ask is-who is the man I have been married to for 22 years and how can I find my supports now that he's sent them all away? Thank you to everyone who shares. I know now that I am not alone. As sad I feel that y'all are going through it too, but it does feel good knowing we are not alone.

[@belovedchild9812]

I’ve been through it. More than once. I figured it out when I was 51. I’ve been recovering for the past 6 years. Recovering has been the hardest work I’ve ever done. 🙏 I appreciate how you described it. Your explanation is spot on.

[@Cameron-qm6yp]

My mother did all these things to me. As soon as he said moving things it all made sense. Now I know why I am this way.

[@ashleynicole9423]

Wow… I just realized that every conversation I have with my (soon to be ex) husband, consists of him gaslighting me! I’m familiar with the term but I didn’t realize it has so many layers. Any prayers for me to make it out of this situation safely are appreciated. I will be praying for all those still stuck in abusive narc situations too ❤🙏❤️

[@cassid333]

This has changed my life and the lives of my future children. The cycle stops with me. I am becoming free. Thank you so very much from the bottom of my heart, listening to this has been my turning point. I know that my guardian angel brought this to me. May God bless you your very noble mission❤️

[@Lola-mt1ne]

This thing of not being able to talk to them. Critical.

[@khethiwesibuyi816]

Been through all of the stages. Watching this whole series is comforting and let’s me feel like how I’ve been treated wasn’t okay.

[@lajoyahill3139]

Listening to this in recovery is very hard! It's like my whole 10 year marriage was lived in the "sunken place" ! Ten years of this, I'm mostly disappointed for our children. They're always the ones who get hurt. 😢 Thank God for grace, mercy, Jesus and Therapy!❤

[@lovelyella]

It’s so sad how many people gaslight to avoid responsibility… I used to just say “maybe I forgot” now I flip out and call them out in rage 🤣 Very good and fair and logical explanation. Thanks Tim!!

[@TheBlackCat1337]

my parents did that to me until I was about 4 1/2. I've been abused and controlled by a few people for most of my life. It is very painful.

[@Ryanthebrobdingnagian]

It's been 3 years and i still sometimes have to fight her voice in my head. It was really telling how many mistakes and things I forgot during the relationship vs after we separated. I seriously almost never forget or make mistakes now. I was so lost. I was discarded and now I'm so glad. She made me feel broken. I still have to remind myself that I'm not broken.

[@oracleproductions5486]

These teachings are the best out there. So grateful for channel!

[@mattstevenson5849]

Trying to recover from a gaslighting boss: #1 - Completely lied about the state of the business at interview, and then set impossible targets right from the get go. #2 - Expected me to drag two of his recruits, who struggled with the job, to a competent standard. When the these guys struggled to deliver the job, it was my fault. #3 - Wouldn't listen to any suggestions to improve the team or the approach. Insisted on sticking with his way, and as long as you did things his way you were sheltered from the gaslighting (even if you struggled with the job). I was his target because I questioned him. #4 - Lied about salary, terms, conditions - vague open-ended commitments to keep stringing you along as far as possible. #5 - Was a £10 million/year business and the business lost £5 million/year by lying to existing customers all the time. Who caught the flack for not being able to compensate for a 50% loss in turnover? You guessed it. #6 - Ended up off work for three months with burnout. Came back and the guy was criticising font selection and table formatting, pretty much nitpicking EVERY bit of work I did. Fuck that guy. Went from being highly confident, conscientious, and well regarded in my field to feeling like a complete failure - which carried over from my professional life to my personal. Lost confidence in my ability to be an engineer, a dad, a partner, a son, a brother, a friend. Devistated my self-esteem.

[@Jennifer-gr7hn]

11:35 - when you're apologizing to narcissist though, they never get tired of it. They are affirmed by your apologies.

[@aamiyaijah6974]

Thank you ! You are brilliant ! You just described my 25 year awful marriage that I’m lucky to be alive. I have and amTrying to survive a dangerous psychopath who has tried to kill me and denies it all. So much crazy he does he’s a trained undercover informant. Evil. You have helped free me by speaking this truth . Thank God for you and may you be blessed. Thank you 🙏🏻

[@jonathanuniverse9302]

My narcissistic family of origin utilized all of these gaslighting tactics. I wish had learned about this many years ago.

[@CANDIKONETT]

Grew up with grandparents like this.... my parental guardians since I was 2. I've been learning about mental health from a young age. Has helped me along the way.

[@anjanaveenendaal9157]

I needed to hear this to remind myself who I am. Thank you for this video.

[@katarinakovrlija3372]

Wow... I'm speechless. You've verbatim described multiplе relationships I've been in. I'm in therapy so I knew those were toxic but I never understood the ins and outs this profoundly until now. Thank you.

[@bellakrinkle9381]

They should be TEACHING this shit in Public Schools, to educate children how screwed up our Fsmilies are.

[@trudytru8224]

You just put into words exactly what recently happened to me. Its cost me my life im now terminal because my partner was doing this at home and fobbed off at drs and no confidence to complain now my cancer too far gone. Had I not been treated like this at home the drs would of had a force to be reckoned with but I spent all lockdown being gas lite by both partner drs and friends I confided in because they thought he was an angel and I was being cruel to my daughter to split up so I stayed until the point of death. I hope others hear this and don't fall for these tricks that take forever to recover from

[@kellyobrien8873]

Don't give up. Pray the following I am the living essence of love and I thankfully receive its healing now. I am open to receive more love, more health and more peace now. ❤️

[@tearthangel373]

Thank you, Tim.

[@myearthandskycreation]

It's amazing how clear you explained this.

[@Yousually_Me]

Wow this decribes me near 100% your spot on with the Narc partner, great wisdom ive been with one over 12 years its very accurate

[@Cowface]

I’m about 15 months out of my toxic marriage. I remember about 3-4 months out, I had this oddly familiar feeling. In my chest, it was warm and comfortable, the dominant feeling was that of familiarity. it was my true authentic self showing back up on the scene. He was gone, first from being who I thought she wanted me to be, then later, from walking on eggshells. It was like a long lost old friend, coming home. I gave him a hug (imaginary) and cried (for real) and said “I’m so sorry I did that to you. I missed you so much, I can’t do this without you, I’m never gonna let anybody make me get rid of you ever again. Anyone who tries is out. I promise” I’ve stuck to it and I’ve had to cut people out since. Consequently, he’s been with me ever since and it makes me so happy. He has his problems, for sure and we’re working on them but the thought of going back to a toxic relationship now is the stuff of nightmares. What I was gonna say tho, was that was a few months in. It took a full year before I felt like he really took back over. He had to wrest control from all these parts I had conjured up. I was a mess.

[@GodTurnItAround]

Thank you for taking the time to write this comment. I have felt this. I have been arguing with it. Disbelieving it. Now I know it was telling me my truth! 😮

[@Ever_wanderer]

I can relate to this very much. In my case, it felt like I was making my way out of a dark hole and back into the light to reconnect with myself. The whole world started to change from monotone to full colour. I gave my inner child so much love during that reemergence, but my goodness I was a shambles during the process.

[@audreypistor4610]

You have help me so much you are the first person for me that makes so much sense. Thank you so much. I will watch your vides over and over again until I get it right. God Bless you I know you are helping allot of people. Gaslighting is what I am definitely going through however I never recognized it or understood it until now....

[@1965gracebug]

Wonderful video! I started with much emotion and crying, I was feeling hopeless. Then the message about Paul and Silas and the jailer brought hope, joy and value to me. I do have value and purpose for our Heavenly Abba Father Yahuah!!! Thank you!

[@larondabourn6610]

I grew up being gaslighted by my mother. I’m 58 and she’s dead and am still struggling with the effects. I bought everything she said and insinuated about me. So at 58 I have spent the last two weeks whispering “I’m sorry.” As a 19 yo college student, I was on my way home when a car crossed the lane and hit mine. Simple. I had no fault in it, but when I called my mother she said “what did you do wrong?” She didn’t even ask if I was okay. I went along with it (and a lot of other times!) to get out from under her accusing microscope. Now, this was hard, but I managed to find something I did differently to put me in the accident. These are four reasons why I didn’t stand up for myself: I needed a place to live and had no one to go to. I needed to eat. I needed shelter. My mother terrified me. I know full well that if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. All it takes is a small insult to trigger a big bomb! My goal is ultimately to survive. Which is ironic because I’ve thought about ending my life so many times! 😏

[@janetgardner6774]

So very sorry , how are you doing now?

[@meredithking6084]

Or perceived insult

[@Ann-pn9or]

My God. and I mean, I am calling on My God! I am 70. My mother always told me I am too sensitive. She is 92, still using her tactics, is very unhappy because she married an old coot who has OCD and she tells everyone that he is autistic! She is getting what she deserves. Your life is important to Jesus. Dont end it. Grow and learn. Look at yourself and tell yourself Jesus loves you, he died for you, and you must love in order to get through this.

[@keariewashburn4680]

I'm where you are for the same reasons. I just keep looking for the healthy ways of how to leave and have my own again in life.

[@larondabourn6610]

@@meredithking6084 No kidding! During middle school, I had a 1-mile walk home. That gave me some time to prepare for ANYTHING I’d find there. She might be in a good mood. Or I could have done something akin to stinking up the house with the scent of decaying body parts stashed all over the house! She had an amazing imagination!

[@awetephrem]

Thanks!

[@mm669]

It's even more hurtful when extended family members pretend they don't want to get involved and don't want to take sides when they know the abuse happened. By not speaking up, they are siding with the abuser with their silence. It's how abusers can get away with this stuff.

[@ArashaSP]

Yes! 💯

[@Elizabethpepper8]

Silence is compliance. This was harder for me to deal with than the actual abuse. Who TF urns their head to a child being abuse?

[@annai3394]

I couldn’t listen it all at once. Too painful.

[@christopherdockstader16]

I might have missed it, but lack of empathy and adrenaline rush make life so much more exciting for them. Imagine pesky empathy not being an impediment. Having a conscience is exhausting. Of course for them the obvious self-serving mechanisms work well for dopamine, not to mention the virtually unassailable motive of self-interets/self-protection defending and driving them.

[@misspeach3755]

Well said! That's exactly what drives them.

[@irenep8660]

Mr. Fletcher, thank you so much for putting all these videos of your wisdom out there. This helped me find out that I was gaslighted, manipulated, and psychologically abused by my therapist. I tried to talk it out with her and she gaslighted even further. I fired her for good immediately, but this added to my trauma. Can you, please, make a video on narcissistic therapists? It looks like this field is full of them as well. It would be very beneficial. 🙏🏻

[@juanitamccarthy1112]

i am thankful for this info + when i look back @ my life i can see how my happy, bubbly ... changed into "its always my fault & never his". 10 years stolen from my life. But God Yhvh will restore what was stolen, thank you King Jesus

[@emilykaris]

Wow this EXACTLY describes my experience with mother.

[@oliraceking]

Who else experiences this? You have stress and trauma and some sort of breakdown as a younger person. One of the side effects is you lose memories or struggle to remember properly. Enter the narcissist gaslighter later in life. You don’t know whether you’re actually not remembering or misremembering things; or whether you’re being manipulated into thinking that. Ultimate truth is unknowable; and unless one has a witness by their side 24/7, life is a complex struggle for truth, reality and a sense of justice.

[@keariewashburn4680]

Agreed

[@MeritaKidd]

Thank you Lord ,,my saviour ,,,,my god ,,the deliverer,,,,

[@alexr.3504]

This whole talk was amazing, but I loved the end part. Praise the Lord our God; He is so brilliant, and so beautiful, and I cannot WAIT to see and hear stories of what He’s done at the wedding feast of the Lamb!!! None of our trauma and heartache is wasted with Him. It is blessed to become like Christ, and I wouldn’t trade my story, no matter how painful, for anything if it meant I couldn’t have Him. 🥹

[@gwdavey]

This guy just described my mom. 100%

[@jonathanlindsey7623]

I appreciate the time I spent on probation. You sent me to a victim's impact class. When there's not one person who will claim they're a victim in my charges of sale and delivery. However, if I hadn't been your victim I would've never been in my situation. You helped me reflect on the impacts that trauma has had on my life. I don't harbor any anger about that. I shouldn't find any due to statutes, but we're having this conversation.

[@clairobics]

This is very comprehensive and accurate, like most of your videos. I have had to go 'no contact' with my own sister because of her gaslighting. I was abused by my brother, said nothing for years, as is common with abuse survivors, then spoke the truth. As long as I didn't speak up, I could still 'fit in' with my family, as soon as I spoke the truth, I was 'public enemy no:1 and became the problem. She used and attempts to still use gaslighting on me to try and make me doubt my own reality. I'm dangerous to her as a 'truthteller' but years ago, as little girl, I made the decision to stay true to myself and today I'm stronger. This is the insidious part of family systems, and as you have described gaslighting is the MOST insidious type of abuse. I thought procrastination, confusion, desperation, and depression at Art college, which resulted in dropping out was due to repressed childhood trauma, and I believed most of it was, but at the same time, I was in a relationship with someone who also used some of this too I believe.

[@tearthangel373]

Thank you for the Christian part 😊

[@bettyrubble9420]

WOW, I HAVE NEVER HEARD THIS BEFORE!!!! Yes I’ve listened to and read about narcissism before, but not like this. Tim Fletcher has totally dissected the abuse and put an incredible study together that has me rejoicing. 🤯 my mind is blown. Thank you Father for this, thank you Tim.

[@haliec496]

This is something that has happened all of my life with male relationships from my father, brother & partners. It is horrendous and soul destroying when you realise people can do these on purpose.

[@LiftingUrVeil-LUV]

This has been my narcissistic family especially my mother gaslighting all my life. I have felt like that for 40 years. Then last year I started dating a older narcissist

[@bellakrinkle9381]

Omg...get out!

[@LiftingUrVeil-LUV]

@@bellakrinkle9381 I did and I walked away from everyone finally

[@MilaSouldancer]

Such an eyeopener. Thank you. I always was sure that my 8 year long journey through a toxic and abusive relationship in Israel must have old roots. I am not religious at all. But now I understand that the feeling underneath that all this stuff is very old and I was already here many many years ago in same situation... A non jewish surviving in Israel depending on a Narcissist. ...near Jericho....

[@MicroDeb-io9wc]

Listening to this made me cry as I survived a 25 year long abusive relationship with a narcissist… I left many over a decade ago and I’m still struggling with my self confidence, shame and suffer depression and anxiety. I came from a childhood of abuse, both receiving it and witnessing it, which allowed me to be abused. I’m 58 now and still can’t get my shit together and have spent many days, weeks and months planning my own demise…but I have 2 kids, so I can’t do that to them despite my self loathing, as that would be the ultimate loathesome thing to do!! I still feel a lot like a headless chicken in and out of confusion and second guessing myself…not trusting my own judgement. I’m fully aware of what’s going on in my head and how I got here, I’m still in the process of untangling the mess of my past and I really want to put it where it belongs…in the past. I must admit I am really struggling and feel angry and bitter about so many things, including missed opportunities… I’m working on healing. It’s a long painful process for me and one I’m not sure will ever attain, but I’m working in it with hope ….

[@joflynn242]

I am 60 years old. I HEARD every word you said. ♡

[@anneboyle2240]

So sorry to read this, I understand completely 😢

[@kristina7901]

OMG THIS HAS BEEN DONE TO ME MY WHOLE LIFE :( I feel heard for the first time

[@Superanima7]

They justify their actions and crimes by listing your mistakes even though you didn’t do them on purpose and they are

[@thadmatson4754]

I would point out to my ex-wife you spent $500 that you said you were going to put back into the bank account and she would say you’re exaggerating it was $499 and also I want to note that I never believed her lies about me. It was the sustained stress of the attack that did it and the longer time it was the more affected had on me. I didn’t even feel it until after I get emotional cleanse a year after a break up.

[@kirstysewell367]

And it doesnt just happen in relationships. Mine was a coworker had 0 love interest. She made me doubt my own mind. I dont trust myself or others. Went from being so happy and confident to a broken scared person. I had major panic attacks driving to work where I knew she was. I have now left that work place. She would tell me im delusional. From there I went down hill

[@MikeJones-hk9zk]

How are you doing now Kirsty? Hope you’re getting better :)

[@sunstarsmoon]

I have a neighbor who gaslights me when I aske them to keep their trash to themselves and off our property. They don't keep it in bins and it goes everywhere in a storm or strong wind. She actually said for ME to get therapy! We have fought over it for years, every time it's an excuse and she blames ME! So here I am, learning about what she's doing and you are SPOT ON!

[@bethpage6696]

I've watched A LOT of videos in the past 4 years and you are so accurate!

[@MrZobacz1]

Amazing!!! First person who knows how to put all of this narcissistic mechanism all in the row ! I feel like you talking whole my life! Thank you Sir ❤