Relationships and Complex Trauma - Part 5/11 - Red Flags

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[@mattng4707]

This is by far better than lots of paid stuff and NHS mental health services

[@OR65693]

Another red flag: testing your partner by asking them to do things they should say 'no' to.

[@wittynamegohere]

Yes, thank you. That was HIGHLY manipulative. "testing people" ?? that's incredibly abusive and I would run.

[@user-zb3tr4cp9s]

​@@wittynamegohere I survived though toxic relationships, better testing

[@khalida02]

I think it's okay to leave if you're suffering a lot and they don't have the capacity to change especially if they are in deep denial.

[@davidrochon5873]

This describes both myself and my son's mother on so many levels. My poor boy is only 20 months and I am working hard to become a healthy father. One day maybe his mother will face this as well.

[@joshuahayg1597]

Just keep pushing man. It makes me happy to see your comment and know that I'm not alone. I have a 15 month old and 3 months ago I had to leave home. I can't get better or stay better if my significant other doesn't believe that she has a problem. (That needs real help to fix) So as hard as it was, I had to walk. In order to be a good father. To be a real Daddy, I have to know 100% that I can not fix anyone but myself. If I stayed, I would never been able to get myself fully stable. that I can only only help myself. Unfortunately I can not be under the same roof, sharing the same stress, and adding in her drinking spurts. She know's exactly what it takes to tear it all down. So as of now. I am just being the best I can be, for myself. That way if I'm doing right by myself. One day at a time, I can actually be the father my little baby girl deserves. Good luck to you man. Like tell everyone "KEEP YOUR CHIN UP."

[@fifeee1]

There is nothing better than a parent that takes accountability. Thank you for doing the hard work towards healing for your kids.

[@marjol3in]

How are you and your family doing now?

[@catreen03]

Are we responsible for other people’s emotions? The short answer is both YES and NO. We are not directly responsible for other people’s emotions in the same way that we are not directly responsible for another person’s breathing, walking or eating. We do not have the power to directly enter another person’s mind and switch their fear emotion on or off. Or switch their happiness emotion on or off. So, in this regard we are not responsible for other people’s emotions. BUT… and this is a very big but, we ARE responsible for our ACTIONS, and we are responsible for recognising and taking responsibility for how our actions can potentially INFLUENCE the emotional states of others. This is the basis of empathy. Let me put it this way. If you start running, I am not responsible for powering your legs or choosing the direction you run in. I can however be potentially responsible for triggering your motivation to run if I was approaching you aggressively or stating that I was going to hurt you for example. So, to flat out say that we are not responsible for others emotions is not entirely correct. If we were completely free of that responsibility then we should be able to walk down the street with an axe in one hand and a gun in the other hand. If people fear us or become traumatised, who cares. I’m not responsible for your emotions and I should suffer no consequences for invoking your fear. This is not how society works though. To flat out refuse to accept responsibility for how our actions can potentially contribute to the emotional states of others is the hallmark of a lack of empathy, lack of guilt and a lack of remorse. When we don’t (or we are unable to) recognise other people’s emotional states, and recognise that we may have been responsible for acting in a way which potentially invoked that emotional state, we do not experience the emotional pain characteristic of guilt, empathy and remorse and we do not recognise when the way we act might need to change.

[@maggie6152]

S+ chunky boi comment. Thanks for writing it in such an eloquent, detailed manner.

[@krystalshannon2159]

Recognize red flags by testing the spirit of it. Don't go all the way with your partner. Take the time to do fun things. Work every day. And don't let things bother you. We're all learning a lesson.

[@sharonjumba4648]

I find her expressions to be fun and relatable. I've watched this video multiple times, I would love to hear more of her. 😊

[@narcsurvivors2445]

1. If being sigle is a problem, learn to feel fulfilled and be single , otherwise there will be a higher tendency to ignore red flags. 2. Take time to get to know someone, keep a journal about each and every thought and feeling you have about them ,and reflect on it regularly. Have at least one friend to talk about them with and to have a second perspective. 3. Understand and process the reality that even healthy relationships dont necessarily last.

[@andrewjohn4876]

Her holding a knife to my throat the night before our wedding was a red flag I failed to see. 35 years later I’m terminally fucked from that marriage.

[@user-rx7uh9mg4f]

WTH man 😅😅😅

[@marjol3in]

This is a joke, right?

[@squarepeg418]

My ex made sure he gave a good impression to me that he had many friends. He threw a Halloween party when we first started dating and I found out after I married him the people he invited were all loose acquaintances from his Facebook. He did have two male friends that were infrequently in his life and of course a harem, but that was it. He knew not having friends was a sign that he was not mentally healthy.

[@marjol3in]

I had a mentally ill person who was trying to befriend me. He has 1 friend. A person who makes him look like a fool by photoshoping his photo's. Quite the friend 😅 Major red flag. And I blocked him on Instagram, but he asked his toxic friend to check on me.😮

[@rudyrey5600]

Just want to say thank you

[@TimFletcher]

Rudy Rey Thank you

[@AllIn1Studio]

Are you Mrs Fletcher?! Tremendous insights and great natural delivery. Thank you 🙏 🥰

[@Lemoncare]

No ! That’s Anita.

[@angieoh2]

Oof. The discontent person struck a nerve for me as something I need to work on. Thank you for this important information.

[@marjol3in]

Me as well 😢

[@JSJHJasonS]

I needed to hear this badly, thank you.

[@coletteterrasson5350]

This video is so helpful. Great examples.. I am guilty to the pushover..

[@eecneihappy]

Thank you for this.

[@stacey3332]

This video was very enlightening. Also each and every description of red flags I consistently find in men that I meet on online dating apps.

[@Alphacentauri819]

I think the majority are dismissive avoidants and/or narcissists. No thank you!!

[@uchennav.edwards3148]

This information is sooooo valuable and important. When I was younger, I wonder if I would have appreciated and understood just how valuable it is. Thank you.

[@teamginger6359]

Beautiful. Thank you.

[@truthwillsetyoufree2024]

I would just like to say this is a phenomenal talk❤ thank you so much for speaking the truth. I'm blown away by this good information that you've given us

[@writeousrhema]

Great advice!

[@lisatowe778]

If you aren’t healthy you won’t find someone who is and appreciate it. People often blame someone for being a terrible spouse or partner, but they chose that person based on what was inside themselves. You cannot be affected by another persons intentions towards you unless you choose to be. If I want you to be important to me then you will be. I choose whether you continue to be by your intentions towards me. If I get the feeling you’re trying to hurt me or make me feel a certain way, I have to analyze whether that’s something I want in my life. Do I want someone who is trying to be malevolent towards me even if I don’t allow myself to feel what they want me to? The very fact they WANT to injure me is a red flag. I may be hurtful at times but it’s never my intention to be, I just don’t always have a perfect delivery.

[@barbarawheeler]

Perfectly describes all the men I've ever had a relationship with! My fear is that ALL men are just hard-wired that way!!

[@nickandrews2255]

They are not. Also we usually attract people we are also ok with ourselves so this is a moment to reflect to go perhaps there is work needing to be done here with myself so that my new normal is not these red flags plus that they are perhaps not with in our Subconscious blind spots. I feel slightly irritated by your comment because I see how I feel similarly with this situation plus feel like it could be something here to look at with myself plus with yourself as I find that I feel attracted to people who have boyfriends. Like People who act like they are not interested in me because this is how my mother acts towards me plus my parents just like dismissive plus hurtfully far far away from me. I feel sad like now CHEERRRRSSSSssssSSSSSssssssssssssssssssssssssss for hearing this CHEERS.....

[@tenaciousminion8753]

​@@nickandrews2255The reality is, people with red flags exist. It has nothing to do with who is attracted to me. I'm 50. The fact it has been extremely difficult to meet someone I can feel safe with, is disturbing.

[@nickandrews2255]

@@tenaciousminion8753 CHeers for Sharing, WHen I say attract what I mean to say is our subconscious moves us towards these people and also moves them towards us because our imprinting as kids says "Oh these behaviours mean this person loves me or perhaps these behaviours mean I will survive therefore they are a good mate". Similarly to how women who grow up with abusive fathers also end up marrying abusive or narc men but go oh yeah He wasn't like that in the beginning. He was, you just have red flag blind spots because of how you were raised. I hear you how you say it is disturbing, I feel very alone with this knowledge plus feel frustrated that perhaps yes it will be very difficult to find somebody who will understand these concepts of how have security plus safety and I am 25!!!It Truly is horrific to experience. We are victims here for sure. I see this I hea

[@roxyroxymuse]

can you link to the other videos in this series tim? thanks!

[@C-Span222]

Thank you!😊

[@welcomecataclysm]

I don't fully understand though, because sometimes someone's hurtful actions do make us feel bad? We are responsible for our behaviors and reactions to those feelings, but others can affect they way we feel? If I told you you were a terrible person, I would be making you feel bad.. right?

[@russgrimes5531]

“They blame others for how they feel” =red flag “I want you to have friends because you’re making me feel I have to provide that service” Sounds kinda hypocritical. Hypocrisy=red flag Also not taking accountability for how you show up (or don’t show up) and making people feel negative things and then using the excuse “I’m not responsible for how that made you feel” as a way to deflect when they try to communicate their feelings with you is a huge red flag in itself. That is narcissistic to the max.

[@NUCLEARMAMA1313]

😂😂 Most PERFECT example EVER!! ... When I farted...He said that's disgusting!...with this look of absolute disdain on his face! ...Later he said I wasn't who he thought I was 🤔 He also told me he loved me in less than a month...became very controlling...there were SO many red flags--and I SAW them-but didn't want to be "judgemental" or...I dunno...I broke up with him by month 4...he broke down...it was quite the spectacle 😢 and so...I caved and gave him another chance 🤦‍♀️ fast fwd 3yrs...I am still working to heal the wounds and added trauma...on top of my old traumas 😮‍💨😴

[@tulinbeyduz920]

i have farting competitions with my partner .. we think it’s funny .. leave hon .. there are emotionally healthy people that realise we all fart ❤

[@ladyj5682]

I hope there is hope bc I am wondering if I can ever be healthy or if I will ever meet someone healthy. This stuff is so deeply rooted that how do you even process it?😊. So much of this in people or divorce rate wouldn't b so high. Plus not enough great counselors to get help.

[@robertm.-certifieddaytrade4939]

A LIVE-IN ex of mine always placed me on a pedestal, it was on the verge of WORSHIP! But I knew that it wasn't real, just a projection. This went on for 2 years.... One day I sneezed REAL-HARD, so hard that a snot came flying out of my nose...IN FRONT OF HER! The next day she had packed up her bags and left! She left me a note on the kitchen table that said: "YOU ARE NOT THE MAN I THOUGHT YOU WERE" Robert-

[@marjol3in]

WTF? 😅

[@robertm.-certifieddaytrade4939]

@@marjol3in Yep! Stranger things have happened!

[@marjol3in]

​@@robertm.-certifieddaytrade4939 glad you saw through her projection

[@cynthiarankin5499]

When a child slurps his food the Mother isn’t happy that’s for sure. Her telling him that makes her mad is perfectly acceptable. She isn’t happy about it for sure. When a cute guy winks at a person across the room the recipient feels either angry or thier hearts starts to flutter. We all have feelings and it doesn’t mean that the person projecting the negative or positive feeling is responsible for it. If a husband leaves for work in the morning and doesn’t show up all day and spends his evening playing pools with the guys the wife isn’t going to have a good feeling. That also want send red flag. Some feelings are perfectly acceptable given the situation. When a relationship is new and each other is giving off positive vibes it’s normal to feel good about that. But when an act that is unacceptable is committed it’s equally acceptable to have a negative feeling and that feeling should not be washed under the rug. I held my feelings in during my marriage and I festered for 28 years. I stayed out of commitment. My feelings were negative and a lot of them could have been avoided had his behavior changed and I’m sure he had negative feelings that would have been more positive had I changed. I think we all as humans have behaviors that are unacceptable and all Of us have room for change. That depends on us and to project that the other person is the problem allows the misbehavior to continue.

[@cansee8637]

Maybe you’re just no pleasant to be around

[@mellissiad7281]

Your reply helped me :. Cause actually of u listen with such guard rails u will feel bad for being human U should be able to expect certain responses and u should be mindful to treat people with respect U don’t run into them with scissors and tell them to get their own baidaid it’s not ur problem they are in pain or bleeding and expecting your help in the process Sometimes Psychology well screw you up more than anything else

[@bernadette573]

Yes, this entire coaching was off base: HELLO! our behaviors do have impacts on others. When someone says, "You made me feel small, etc" we could actually bother to listen and find out if something in our behavior was hurtful before we automatically project our rage onto them. I found your comments sane and helpful, but this video was genuinely confusing as hell, speculations without any clarifications.

[@christophermartinez7175]

To many scenarios and hypotheticals. Not enough information on codependency and and complex trauma. Surprised i made it to video 4.

[@frizzyrascal1493]

There is a series focusing on codependency.

[@leslieq8705]

I don’t believe that people pleasers are a red flag. The ex narcissist I dated called me a push over and people please and told me he didn’t trust me because I was capable of saying yes to everyone. He thought I would sleep w someone who hit on me at a bar. I had poor boundaries w him because I loved him but I can’t say I would do something like that because I’m a loyal person. I don’t think it’s necessarily a red flag.

[@stoics3698]

U describe so many "red flags" are are either in yourself, or in many loving people I know. Since when was having trauma issues a red flag?

[@yveqeshy]

Ma'am you didn't have to call me out at 9:50 😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@debrawest5750]

How can I get a transcript?

[@user-tr4ss5nn8f]

❤❤❤❤

[@joannapeters4738]

But PARENTS (obviously) ARE responsible for how their CHILDREN feel (largely /mostly - certainly when alone/ at home with the child/ ren, yes ? ) & at what age/s does this change (& how, exactly) ? Thank you

[@mellissiad7281]

I would like to ask u When someone is miss treating u or doing u wrong and u say .. ur doing this how do u expect me to feel? Ur taking away from me to give to someone else ? Please expound

[@russgrimes5531]

“If he can’t say no to me, he won’t say no to someone else” Extremely wrong and a red flag to think that way. He is not in a romantic relationship with “everyone else” so why would you even compare? That’s how you end up throwing away a good man who actually loves you. By testing him with your own insecurities and making assumptions

[@frizzyrascal1493]

Why is it extremely wrong thou? You haven’t named a single argument against it. They don’t need to be in a romantic relationship with anyone else to say “No” to their partner. “Yes” people tend to be spineless, lack integrity and the courage to stand up for themselves. It’s a sign of deep rooted insecurity and neediness, which can (doesn’t have to!) lead to abusive situations. I was one of those “Yes” people and a huge people pleaser in order to get accepted and feel loved. Nearly all of my romantic relationships have turned out one sided because of that and I got walked all over. With all due respect, but what you promote is highly unhealthy and unhelpful behavior.

[@shatzoren1]

Red flag: giggling neurotically after every sentence

[@mellissiad7281]

So what do u do to Those red flag people ?? What do we just avoid them is that what u do ?

[@mattng4707]

How do u process resentment

[@stoics3698]

Calling every small flaw a "red flag" is my red flag

[@gregorylatta8159]

Almost all relationships have red flags.

[@steelearmstrong9616]

Relationships are two insecure individuals that use and tolerate each other for their own selfish needs and wants all for the fear of being alone. They are all toxic on some level and narcissistically controlled by one. This is not love and this is no way to live but most and many do out of fear. Relationships are full of lies, deceit and manipulative manipulation due to hate which comes from fear. Everything we do is out of fear. If everyone truly knew what everyone was thinking then no one would have any friends

[@chrleliu]

Is this Tim Fletcher’s wife?

[@MsGroovalicious]

Poor communicators.... Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[@your_mommy_issues_are_show4060]

I was a domestic abuse victim for 23 years, isolated, stripped of ALL AND I MEAN ALL BUY MY 3 CHILDREN STRIPPED OF EVERYONE , then you tell people I'm a RED FLAG because I have no friends cutting a clear path and excuse for people to not want me in their life and making out the abusee to be the abuser just like the ex narcissistic sociopath.. thanks lady, thanks so much for adding characteristics of abuse Victims but not clarifying that some people have no one because they got out and did the work and as a former addict SHAME ON YOU for not acknowledging the people that cut out the toxic abusers in their lives.. you were so spot on until THIS

[@anthonybrown3377]

At around 40:00 she said that it would be suspicious and you should find out why they don't have friends. She never said it was a solid red flag. Someone that chooses to not have friends would be a different situation and I'm guessing counts as a red flag.

[@Alphacentauri819]

I can hear the pain and trauma in your reply. To conflate her saying a dynamic is a red flag vs a person is a red flag (which is how you misquoted it and made it personal, about you) says a great deal about the deeply entrenched wounds you have that need healing. To stay for 23 years in abuse shows that you yourself were incredibly cruel to yourself and your children. That is a red flag in itself. You had to have had a childhood where you were programmed to believe horrible damaging self views…otherwise you wouldn’t have tolerated a relationship for 23 years, where to stay, is a betrayal of self. If someone has no friends it often shows they can’t even be a friend to them self. They can’t show up, advocate, say what their needs and boundaries are (clear and assertive communication). If someone can’t even be their own friend…which many people struggle with…they might not have the skills to be your friend either. This was not a personal attack on you, only an awareness thing…she was sharing. It wasn’t an absolute. The fact you took it as such, shows some warped thinking…Cognitive Distortions. These are distorted ways of seeing self, the world and others. They are maladaptive and can make us react in extremes. It narrows our focus and makes us miss so much, as well as distorts the meaning of many events and people’s intentions. From a neuroscience perspective, there is a lot of healing to be done. It’s sad you shamed someone else so profoundly…that’s seems like a painful projection. You’d hate to be shamed, yet shamed someone else. You shamed them because you made their general point personal against you. That’s an egocentric stance that doesn’t allow you to hear or learn. If you are constantly defended, you’ll cause suffering for yourself…over and over. I hope you can heal and feel empowered. Heal your core wounds and subconscious programming, they are running your life. While the domestic violence wasn’t your fault…staying was being a coconspirator to it. If you saw your incredible worth, you’d never tolerate another human who didn’t see it (and treat you as not worthy) ever. We attract people who treat us the way we treat ourselves, usually subconsciously. If we dismiss, ignore, berate ourselves…don’t stand up for our needs and boundaries (and leave if they are violated) no one else will either.

[@Hoclem]

@@Alphacentauri819 you really nailed it, wow. amen

[@MedicalSkillsTraining]

Your response alone was a red flag; try to go back to therapy and work on your listening and responding skills❤️

[@bernadette573]

I hear you. Having to start over in a new place without anyone is the life of a victim of narcissistic abuse.

[@annaynely]

And maybe they have many same sex friends & yer abandoned cuz they all of a sudden say theyre gay😅 so yer gonna have lots of time to be with yer friends

[@davidluna8072]

I understand and relate to most of what she saying. But this women is still suffering from major relationship trauma. She expressing I lot of the key points threw that lens. I have three strong loving independent daughters. I think some lady more healed and confident would be better at relaying this information in a helpful way.