Toxic Shame - How To Start The Healing Process And Get Rid Of Toxic Shame

[@ohhhSmooth]

My therapist summed it up perfectly once: "You don't really have social anxiety, but rather you have shame anxiety, you are afraid of situations where you might experience shame."

[@Dubois_tada]

i keep getting flashbacks of rejection and humiliation several times a day just to remind me of my inadequacy. 🙃

[@silversmith333]

Wow. I thought this was just me. Everyday of my life my mistakes get shoved back in my face

[@christinag4968]

me too :,( if i had one wish i’d take this feeling away

[@nurhayat81]

I'm thinking, how could you be inadequate? You are so beautiful. I hope you are able to have peace and happiness.🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🌹

[@calmastorm5144]

Me too I have nightmares a lot . And they always make it hard to sleep 😢

[@annafeatherston9216]

You are not alone.

[@letbutts6253]

- love & accept yourself despite shame - accept all aspects of who you are - uncover and work through the events that made you ashamed of yourself, then neutralize it

[@haihai5293]

Thank you!

[@meikerieger2899]

I got shamed by my father and mother since birth and I feel so so stuck because of it. Shame is tough.

[@paigeasmr4606]

Check out the channel inner integration:)

[@azaleaslightsage1271]

@ Meike Rieger Counselor Carl on you tube is amazing for healing ALOT of things you would suffer because of what your parents did to you He helped me ALOT, very quick precise healing help Bless you darling Said with much Love Kindness and Respect ✌💖

[@raphaellavelasquez8144]

Me too. I keep attracting people who do this. Then I hate people and feel its not worth the suffering.

[@PH-pq3vq]

Seeing where it comes from means you can let go of old programming. Good luck! X

[@cmmngds]

🙏🏽🙏🏽

[@houseuponarock4548]

It's very difficult to detach when I see that someone takes pleasure in causing me to feel ashamed so that they have control over me. There are such people in the world, who use emotional abuse

[@peterpiper8309]

It is so difficult. I try to flip the script and regain confidence by thinking that "Hurt people hurt people" and that it is not my fault (whatever the embarrassing moment may be), but to instead feel sorry for the "culprit" who felt the need to fill a void.

[@joshy2joshy]

Worst part is, some of them don't even realise they are doing it. Or it feels so justified.

[@FB-ul2yh]

I ashamed a friend for something he did wrong to me. I felt betrayed by him so i Made him feel shame about it. What do you guys Think about this Kind of Situation?

[@ms-ve6db]

Why didn't you tell him directly what he /she did wrong to you first?

[@SparklySarah]

@@FB-ul2yh Learning opportunity, not a mistake. Learn to instead let him know he hurt you and to not do it again. Then if he does it again and shows no remorse, cut ties. You deserve better.

[@lucymcnamara4558]

I can’t remember NOT battling toxic shame. As a young child, I had this sense that I was on a lower tier than the rest of humanity. When I get a short reprieve, (random, short instances I have no control over), I am capable of conversing. People seem to respond positively for the conversation. But when shame comes back, and it always does, I go back down, even LOWER.

[@krash6951]

Hi. Healing emotional self by beverely engel is a good book to treat shame and emotional abuse. Good luck

[@xagon2012]

I was frequently shamed for my feelings as a kid. And my mother let me feel and even openly told me at a young age that she hated mothers and being a mother. She's not a bad person but she was depressed and emotionally unstable. Shame became attached to most of my emotions and my whole self-image. I have a worn a mask my whole life to hide my emotions and never allowed myself to show any vulnerability to anyone. This kind of shame is very isolating and limiting. But today I know and understand the problem and I have hope that I can get rid of this shame in the coming years. I have made a lot of progress already and I won't stop until I am free.

[@ABB14-11]

Damn, I can't imagine how that feels. I hope you're doing well. For what it's worth I'll say a prayer for you

[@xagon2012]

@@ABB14-11 I am doing reasonably well but the baggage that I carry with me makes many things more difficult than they could be. Connecting with others is not very easy for me at all, for example. Thank you so much for your kind comment.

[@yvaz3373]

This video is great to make you aware of self shame but to say "you have to love yourself" is like telling the alcoholic "you have to stop drinking"....I mean, no shit Sherlock! If I knew how I would do it in an instant.

[@joebarrett3194]

Exactly! well said. This video is good but it doesn't actually tell you how to love yourself if you think you are complete shit!

[@toosweet7237]

Same here !

[@toosweet7237]

@@joebarrett3194...Same here too!

[@Sigma3095]

Start seeing yourself like an outside observer.

[@Sugarbear3000]

I started by small acts of taking care of myself. These are acts of love.

[@SpaceCattttt]

I developed toxic shame because I was born with a deformity that is impossible to hide. And after having to deal with insensitive comments and looks from everyone I ever met during my childhood and teenage years, I simply gave up on being accepted as a normal human being with feelings and worth. People didn't take me seriously because I was ugly. I lost the few friends I had because they didn't want to be seen in public with me. Strangers in the street were staring at me and giving me mocking smiles and even shouting insults. And not just young people, either. Even old ladies said things like "What the hell is wrong with that guy?" or "Well, he'll obviously end up alone". So I know what I look like. My insecurities are not based on something I've imagined. And this rational realization made me develop Avoidant Personality Disorder, anorexia and chronic depression. And it affected my life to such a drastic level that I couldn't finish school, I couldn't hold down a job, I've never been in a relationship or been intimate with anyone and I don't even leave the house anymore. I'm 41 now. And for the last 20 years, I've been hiding away from the world. It's an agonizing existence. Nothing makes me happy and nothing interests me. I haven't even visited my parents in the last 17 years, because I couldn't cope if they'd judge me for being ugly as well. And it's irrelevant whether they would actually do that or not, for in my paranoid mind, I feel as if everyone is instinctively doing just that. I'm so used to being judged and feeling worthless that I just take it for granted. I'm unable to take compliments seriously and finding love seems like a bad joke. To challenge my self-conception would be to completely erase everything I know about life. It would be easier to jump to the moon. And seeing as how I'm middle-aged now and not getting any younger, I also don't really see the point in turning my life around anymore. My "best" years are behind me, and all that remains is to grow old, while I wait for the sweet release of eternal death.

[@samihafez3191]

The fact that your still alive and didn’t off yourself already is truly inspiring. Whether or not you can change the person you are now, know that you can always make an impact on others, whether it be good or bad is your decision. Much love man.

[@FloraJoannaK]

I pretty much developed shame because of my speech impairment. I'd attribute every failing to myself-- I just bought Celeste, the hardcore platforming game? I get a dose of that same school time shame with every death, some 100 or so within the first 30 minutes. It's like a vile injection-- and honestly, I grow leathered to it, like a vaccination. I remind to myself: this is not a platforming game to me, but a mirror. I'm the one to make or break the voice inside there telling me 'Fail! Died again? Gimme the controller ya retarded tongue-tied mongrel.' And I know, that back then if I had opened my mouth I'd have stuttered virtual nonsense out, if I dared to defend at all. So I say: 'Fuck them, try again. You grew up with books and Paradox games, not Super Mario. This is the Reconquista of your middle-school. Get up. Try. A-g-a-i-n.' I didn't btw beat my stutter or shyness, I didn't make any friends in high school or college. I went on a date *once*, and it fell apart because speech. I was heartbroken-- not because the girl just sort of slipped away, or because I was in love (I wasn't) but because my attempt at socializing failed. I really miss having the nostalgia of having had a circle of friends and hanging out-- but which is more important, deep down? Work or friends. Sometimes one picks one and flushes the other. I just pine for having a choice in the matter. When I'm at my lowest I imagine some of the people to have outright bullied me, and visualize their gravestones turn to gravel and dust. It gets me through the night. In the morning I shake and tremble, if I eat or brush my teeth I risk puking, and attend college courses again. If I have a comment, I say it: I may stutter, use weird syntax or so, but I don't care. If I have to remind the prof after class that there ought to be a wheelchair ramp for the speech impaired as well as the physically disabled, so be it. Take half-a-minute to let me repeat, sir? I'm not about to be marginalized for sounding funny. Someone jokes I must be drunk: 'I trans-s-s-s-s-s-late Latin better with a liquid lunch. Tried it?' This is conquering that which is *now*. I mean, if chaos is a ladder so is feeling of self-worth: you don't start by jumping to the top, but by taking a firm grip of the lowest bars first. I suppose my point is: it is all up there, in the head. Some sound goofy, others look off. Physical/social is secondary to how one perceives oneself and wills things into existence in the mind. Sometimes it is not the shame which is toxic, but some of the people we've met. *Some* of the people. If we've heard a dozen people make fun of us or talk down, bully w/e we're socially prone to attributing their thoughts to pretty much everyone. I remind myself that, almost as a mantra. For myself it is not enough to practice soothing self-talk or meeting an empathetic therapist. I need to find a certain grim, cold and hard determination and create meaning where none was before. I'm still on it, but hey. Beats waiting for death.

[@369Rising]

Thank you for sharing. I agree with the other two. Live your life to the fullest and help other people. You are so brave and so strong, and you are an excellent writer. This may seem strange but I think you should figure out how your situation has benefitted you, and give thanks.

[@369Rising]

@Zachary Ham: What an ignorant and horrible thing for you to say. Finding the benefit and giving thanks is the only way to transcend the physical into the spiritual realm while still on earth. You are a closed minded, inconsiderate, and thoughtless person.

[@user-jo1tt5qr4p]

something that really helps me is observing my reaction when my friends, family and other people I meet do or say something "embarassing". Do I find it a bit funny or awkward? yes. Am I disgusted by that person now and think less of them? hell no. Everyone does embarassing things and it really helps me going easier on myself seeing that.

[@terenceklein7396]

Thank you

[@theforeigner6988]

1:12 it never goes away!!! It just NEVER goes away!!! So true!!!

[@JohannaFarrimond]

Shame is sometimes used as a disciplinary technique because it is so effective for the adult. This builds a reflexive response in our bodies that must be worked on to heal later. There is nothing wrong with you if you feel shame unnecessarily. It's just that your body has been trained at an early age for this response.

[@FruityHachi]

those words "love and deeply and completely accept myself" are exact words used in tapping solution :) i started tapping and i feel so much better

[@Sigma3095]

shame is your ego. Dissolve the boundaries of ego and you will live your life your way.

[@oliviamollatz2227]

sometimes it's also the words of your toxic narcissistic mother you have heard in decades and now are stuck in your head. "I would be embarrassed if I said/ did/ wore/ were like that...",..

[@POPDATA]

@@oliviamollatz2227 well your ego is a combination of all of the things people told you about yourself that you perceive as negative (or positive in some cases)

[@slowgrind6942]

Stuff from the past has been coming back to my thoughts for some reason. I’m hoping and praying that this goes away soon

[@beyondastral2151]

For people saying how to accept or love yourself.. I found that finding proof how others are lovable with the same trait that I have keyword PROOF will give you the data, that you factually cannot be unlovable for that thing, if people love that thing in others. This takes time, and honestly, idk if it works for everything. But it's removed A LOT of toxic shame and improved my self love a whole ton

[@christiandoran4261]

Noticing that shame is IDENTITY based, and all my past relationships have ended after a few months because I am trying to change someone's identity of shame, instead of finding someone like me who has very acute shame....ugh what a cycle

[@thearchitectureoftheuniver1769]

I believe you. Don't worry about the view counts . Your authenticity is amazing.

[@sergeyoorphanos5885]

You are helping the lives of many people!

[@yazmin46]

That's a very good video. I believe toxic shame is the hidden issue when it comes to many disorders and addictions. Understanding and being aware of this and of course accepting that you do have shame is the first step towards healing. John Broadshaw talks about it in his book, I think it's called "healing the shame that binds you". It's a very good book. I believe that everybody deserves to have a fulfilling life, we do have only one life to live and it's sad when shame ruins that opportunity. Have a beautifull day!

[@toosweet7237]

You're right on target, Andre...I just hope one of these days I can attain what you said. Thank You!

[@leighrowlands]

Thanks Andre. I found this video helpful, sympathetic, fascinating and encouraging. Thank you again

[@AndreSossi]

Leigh Rowlands Thank you Leigh. I hope you're doing great.

[@dermotosullivan3065]

There are many videos on YT on the nature and causes of shame but very few like this one that actually gives you advice on eliminating it. So thank you.

[@Relaxing-ness]

Thank you so much for this. This is EXACTLY my situation.

[@krash6951]

If you wanna heal this further, healing your emotional self by beverely engel has a in depth guide about what he talked about with more to get your self esteem back. I hope you heal

[@mcdijkhuizen941]

Thank you for your effort. I can not feel what your saying. It's the same as people telling me; you can be anything or anyone you want to be. When you have normal shame you can love yourself but with toxic shame it's a totally different story.

[@olgakuzmenko6907]

Thank you! Very well said! I believe now that shame is the root cause of all evil and addictions. It prevents us from being all we can be.

[@cheshire_skatkat9093]

best 7 and a half minutes I spent today!

[@dihya4402]

hows it going now?

[@thesoadjunky]

This video is so important, and I appreciate you sharing this with people with these disruptions. I was surprised at first why only 3k subscribers, but I bet you have thousands more ghost subscribers and hope that in time this channel grows even more. All the best!

[@dragoniraflameblade]

I bought a violin after hard work and watching sales. I finally bought one, had it restrung and fixed. I was so happy to start learning. Then my mom stopped my therapy after months of keeping me from getting to it (I'm disabled and 26) so she could start going to the water park with her friends every week. The rest of my family blamed me for not being able to afford therapy and one family member said "well, that violin could have paid for a couple of sessions." Now I feel too ashamed to play it and keep it hidden. I'm trying to leave my family without anyone knowing. It's hard.

[@nina755]

Dont be ashamed of other people behavior

[@horgecondaliza6644]

I'm digging this advice. My only critisicim is that this isn't an over night process, shit it could last a few years. There's really no "FAST" way, I mean everyone is different, but to go into this and doing the inner work thinking I need it gone now, is just a set up for frustration. We need to give our bodies, minds, and ourselves all the time we need....

[@yash2292]

I have toxic shame coz i stammered since birth also i felt inferior bcoz i belonged to so called lower caste. Video is good but expected a more detailed and comprehensive technique to overcome toxic shame

[@belloabideen5197]

you read my mind. it is one of my deepest fear, but slowly i'm pulling through. I don't wanna make any important life decision not until I pulled through

[@jamierigby4110]

I’m gay and no it’s not a choice at all, I’ve carried toxic shame for years even though it’s definitely something I can’t change.

[@toneman335]

This is such an important concept to understand

[@excusesbegone7251]

Thanks Louise Hay is a front runner on Healing self loathing

[@maryoom3473]

Addressing the solutions yas that is what I need thx bro 👍🏻

[@TheBerndude]

You are a good man. If we all did this kind of work, the world would be a vastly different place.

[@christiandoran4261]

Noticing the relationship between parent of opposite sex, carrying toxic shame and the relationship to who we are attracted to. I've not been present to the fact that because my mother has an immense amount of toxic shame, that I am susceptible to getting into relationships with women that are like my mother, and thus trying to save them from their own shame. Loop ...loop...loop

[@anthonypeters7133]

If the shame you suffer is unwarranted then I can see a way out. But one thing non if these videos discuss is what do you do when the shame you feel us deserved. What if what you've done or feel us so bad, society will never accept you again? You forgive yourself only to be plunged back into depression when some kind soul rakes up your past. Then the shame starts again. Eating away at your resolve. It feels like a vicious circle of which you can only have temporary respite.

[@SpaceCattttt]

I haven't done anything I'm ashamed of. Instead, I was born so ugly that no one wants anything to do with me. It's one thing to have done something bad. You can make amends for that and change your ways. But when everyone hates you because of the way you were born? There's no dealing with that...

[@thrashtoad6956]

Well, telling myself that I am worthy and beautiful and all that.... maybe it'll work in the end but I'd be lying to myself for a very big ammount of time. But thanks anyway, you helped me kind of understand my problems a bit more

[@anitacigarette]

I need strength.

[@ricardohda]

Thank you Andre.

[@theotherway1639]

Good vid. The book "30 Days to Overcome Shame" by Harper Daniels, was also a big help.

[@codboss7092]

as i watched this video i realised that i might have toxic shame and social anxiety. this wasnt always part of my life but it became one like 2 years ago. the thing is that im not feeling good in my life and i had some suicidal toughts, and im very confused because i dont know whats wrong with me. im only 16, 2 years ago i moved country, and i lost all my friends. i moved in to a new school and it was difficult for me to adapt at first, i constantly felt ashamed and worried if others might judge me, and i couldnt be myself. and because of this i remained isolated and lonely. i still dont have any friends after all this time, and im too ashamed to talk about my problems to anyone around me, thats why i post this to social media and ask for advice. can someone give me any kind of advice, what should i do? i would apreciate that. btw awsome and helpful video

[@LaetArt.]

COD Boss Be yourself. What people think about you doesn't really matter too much. People are not going to judge you for who you really are. Don't be afraid of saying something stupid because we are humans and all humans say stupid things sometimes... (Sorry for my wrong english, hope i helped you)

[@letbutts6253]

I love your accent, it’s comforting for some reason :)

[@Antoniaxdowney]

This was life changing..made so much sense

[@ummameena29]

Thank you for a great explainer.

[@beyondastral2151]

This is such generous and helpful information... 💖

[@okeynonso5535]

This is a deeply helpful and healing video, many thanks.

[@GoodWolfWonRocky]

Way kewl good lookin out broha!! That's on time for real!!!

[@Abouezili]

Great video, thanks for your advice. I needed it

[@Cookiekeks]

I dont agree with the solution to the problem but the problem is perfectly described

[@kylekutscher7805]

Very Helpful. Thank You For Sharing Your Knowledge Andre. - Kyle

[@danielletirpkoff4167]

Thank you for sharing your video!! I give your video a huge thumbs up!!!👍👍👍👍👍👍

[@spinewrenched848]

At 4:45 you say you can detach from toxic shame just because you realize you have it? That is not a solution? I've known for years I've had this, and I know exactly why, but I dont know if it will ever stop? Its crippling, and because of shame you don't want to talk to anyone about it, so it just festers. There has to be a more real solution? You can't just tell someone to start loving themselves and it will happen after decades?

[@te4enie_donnyx_trav]

I agree.

[@crystal5925]

This was so helpful for me! Thank you!

[@celestialshoegazer]

Starts at 3:40

[@rustybookcase117]

great video, very helpful, thanks so much:D

[@brianchen5606]

I love what you teach. Please do more.

[@dseer13]

all you need to do. Is tlak about specifically the toxic shame, why you have, how it affects you etc. to an empathetic listener. And that will kill it.

[@CityofDreams95]

dseer13 i will try that

[@2brunhilda]

Great video

[@sabkisaba]

Thank you, Andre for the video I only found out recently that this is the root cause of all my relationship/social anxiety issues. My problem is that I suffer from severe repression of my feelings/needs/wants so using NLP is tricky for me. I hate this becoz I feel like my hands are tied behind my back. Can u suggest something for me?

[@DesalegnBelay]

+sabkisaba Yah, I am in a similar situation to you. Really, repression of my feelings, and hiding myself, being or trying to be invisible: and a constant struggle to protect myself from further attacks by hiding myself.....I am reading now some books now..., so hard problem. ( I have to change my name in Google Setting to make this comment---)

[@excusesbegone7251]

+Des Bw hi check out Louise Hay

[@pranavkothavale7191]

Thanks a lot Andre!

[@lizfoster9495]

Thank you very much for this video

[@Athril]

I'm just gonna go ahead and write it. I have a terrible shame from a sexual fetish that I have. So much so that it makes me self-loathing, anxious and paranoid. It's tearing me apart.

[@oliviaswann4686]

Joachim Refshammer I know how you feel. Brave of you to write it, I can relate to that.

[@CityofDreams95]

You need to talk to someone about it . do not harbour

[@MrNightpwner]

Honestly? If it's not pedophilia and your partner consents to it then there's no need to be ashamed. That simple really. Our differences is what makes us unique, but there's enough different types of strange fetishes out there to never leave us isolated. Get what I'm saying?

[@samihafez3191]

Me too bro.. don’t know how you had the balls to say it

[@loricrockett-owens5117]

I think it is really sad how someone can make u feel bad about yourself if you're still greiving your parent yet the person that shames u or tells u to get over it. Can't even get over a break up of someone that still exists. Smdh

[@purpledaydreamer9682]

Thank you

[@haihai5293]

Thank you!

[@gabrielmedrano1064]

You’re the man thank you

[@larrytruelove7112]

His observations are correct but they don’t appear to be enough for some people.

[@maoripasifika]

Enjoy yourself and love yourself ! He aha Te mea nui o Te Ao? he Tangata he Tangata he Tangata! ( what is the most important of this world? It is people it is people it is people❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@ProudEve1]

Hey! Thank you 💜💜💜

[@tanusharma1102]

Please make a video on how to take responsibility for your life.

[@madambutterfly7641]

this is a really great video thank you.

[@AndreSossi]

+Ashleyruth Eckels Thanks. I'm glad you've found useful.

[@AndreSossi]

+Jack Stubbington Hey Jack, I'm glad this video helped you and I hope you'll get it together soon. Where there's a will there's a way.

[@jdt8983]

I thought you were supposed to leave the bathroom door open when you take a shit. Learn something new every single day

[@helendiaz5440]

I have troubles sleeping. I wake up in the middle of the night feeling nauseous.

[@nesdi6653]

Hmm my shame definitely comes from childhood, I feel as though it might just come from both my parents though. They both had traumas in their lives

[@janeenmpellicane956]

Thank u so much!

[@annafeatherston9216]

I find this harder to buy into as someone who is a not a good cultural fit IN ANY WAY in this very homogenous place I live in (and cannot really leave) so I am constantly reminded of otherness. It does not help.

[@piesamuray]

cool video, it helped me alot

[@dakine4238]

thank you :)

[@ToniToni-rv4yv]

New subscriber,will be checking out your other videos...thanks

[@faraday-bonifacioboyles5987]

Im so shy i don't go to school because people are totaly toxics

[@chaoticneutral7573]

I am really sorry but i cant love myself

[@grounded9623]

Thank-you.

[@toootooo68]

ّI cannot get rid of shame and guilty cuz I failed in my emotional relationships , I feel I'm very bad thats why they gave up one me . The last one I love him deeply ,became ignore me and I discovered the truth that he has an affair with salmonellas then ,I showed her new girlfriends his love messages to me and she was shocked .I told her the ttruth then he came to me and shouting and say bad words about me that I'm not trustworthy and I expose his secrects .He did that to keep her and getting rid of me. I felt shamed and very bad .I feel my morals are corrupted and not good enough to feel in love . Was I wrong ? if yes how can I fix my life and my bad feelings please help me

[@amituniyal3412]

May Lord Almighty God bless you with everything you wish and desire... stay blessed

[@joshy2joshy]

You are certainly not wrong for exposing your boyfriend. You both deserve better, hes the jackass for dating 2 people at once. Unless it was an open relationship (which I assume it wasn't). It's entirely up to you how you handle the situation and if you are regretting this decision that you have made, just realise that you probably was going to regret whatever decision you made. You just did what you thought was best at the time. We always think we made the wrong choice when the outcome isn't what we desire. Unfortinately we're always going to wonder what the other choice could have lead to. You can't predict the future and you certainly can't predict how people are going to react. I thought I had a good grasp on my ex but apparently whatever I said wasn't good enough. I didn't know what she wanted to hear. What matters is; I tried to communicate and she didn't try at all. I try to remind myself that every time I think of it because I don't deserve to just be ignored/kept as a second choice.

[@nmejias370]

Thank you ❤👍

[@PeterShieldsukcatstripey]

Thank you.

[@OT-bf5np]

THANK YOU u legend love u

[@haggisbassmusic]

Thanks 🙏🏼 😊

[@bonzaibb12]

Why does everyone say to tell yourself that you love yourself ? Many people suffering have never even known the feeling of self love. Isn't this suggesting to treat yourself with fantasy .

[@samihafez3191]

I can’t.

[@user-dv5ee4hr8m]

Yes

[@freshcancer713]

my issue is i have horible thouts and a evil mindset.

[@josephbarthley]

Gary Slovenskov to much video games

[@danashannon8234]

Love the accent lol

[@theinspector7882]

What?

[@fulviobennato]

ops wrong video i wanna get rid of normal shame!

[@thenightskywatchingoverme]

@6:00

[@micalandero7472]

Toxic shame who? Me. :)

[@_quixote]

This isnt enough. I want to mentally destroy my enemies, and nothing can stop me. No one😈👾

[@bri3449]

U r very 🙇🏽‍♀️ badass 😡😎