Enneagram: Helping 4's Get Out Of Their Basement

[@jengibbs3049]

Wow!!! I needed to hear that. Self pres 4w5. I thought there was something fake about me because im great at first impressions, interviews, first dates. Just fun and full of energy. But then the real me sneaks out and the melancholy wraps me like a warm blanket and that’s the space in which I live when I’m alone.

[@pamelamw1751]

Jen Gibbs It is good to be reminded I’m not alone, even though as a wife, mother, and teacher life feels that way. Reading your post was comforting and appreciated Jen. From Pamela, 4w5

[@ketakeev]

I used to think the same Jen ! 4w5 x

[@LovaLova808]

Ohh, I love a nice, warm melancholy blanket!🤗

[@kimberlybrownfield6418]

Aha let's be best friends 😂

[@ericamlujan]

Thank you. 🙏

[@origaminomicon8474]

i literally laughed out lout at: "the average guy is probably thinking 'i thought we were just gonna go to coffee... I didn't know that you were gonna take me to the basement!!"

[@Partycitybaex]

Lmao

[@punkstrummer101rs]

That hit too close to home lol.

[@jorje0068]

I've always used my basement as a filter. Cool stuff down there. Even coffee

[@momentmal5248]

Ditto 😂 “you can get a bit weighty” being a sp4, I look happy and light on the outside at first but the basement is real. 🤦🏻‍♀️

[@jsuisunptitsucre]

😂😂😂

[@Stephanie1Jackson]

4w3 here. Watching this from my basement. Hope it helps! 🤣😂

[@antoinettenovella1630]

Stephanie, you are far from alone ;)

[@amazinggrace4924]

Me too. Been trying to climb out all week!

[@fremernovermaina6640]

😁😂 Funny

[@gordanadiaz3668]

Lol

[@gordanadiaz3668]

I’m loving my basement

[@andrewyoung6284]

Having been wallowing longer than usual I needed to hear this.

[@twlahue]

Awesome

[@quietvalerie1]

Its so easy to wallow in the basement though.....damn having to be uncomfortable in order to grow....sometimes I get annoyed at my self awareness now😂

[@michelej.4550]

As a SP 4w5 I really get what you are saying, but it is extremely draining to grasp onto that wing 3! I volunteer at our church and on Sundays I really try to stay with that wing 3, trying to relate and greet everyone, but when I get home I nap for hours, in a coma state! I have yet in my life to meet anyone that wants more than a superficial relationship and I guess that's quite sad in reality. I think us 4's just really need that connection. Thank you for all your hard work on getting this information out to us, any advice on using that 3 wing is appreciated, it can be lonely in that basement.

[@ianhollingsworthmusic9488]

Same here, one of the more comfortable ways for me to try and relate is with art. Music in my case, but also little things like discussing music or art with people is a way to address meaningful topics without exposing yourself too much.

[@karaquick395]

Ian Hollingsworth Music Hello I'm a 4w5 as well and you say you like music ? Have you listened to Dimash-singing "SOS" make sure it's the contest one and not his concert better quality.

[@riteasrain]

I remember my church days well. So glad to be out of all that as a 4.

[@lordnate948]

@@karaquick395 wow I once said the exact same thing of poetry. Haha maybe I actually am four

[@lordnate948]

Unbelievable how relatable that is

[@appletree6898]

Very insightful. I'm a 4w5 and I loved it. Of course a 7 will know how to bring sunshine down to the basement!!

[@c.s.1899]

You are INCREDIBLE! Thank you for sharing your gift of understanding people with the world. It means so much to us 4's to have someone who 'gets' us AND loves us for who we are. The reason why im able to receive your advice and guidance is because you EMPATHIZE with us and ENCOURAGE us to thrive. Enneagram teachers who make me feel bad about myself and paint the 4 as weird push me further into my basement. But you do the opposite - you help me see my gifts and how needed they are in the world. This motivates me to want to surface and express myself and connect with people on the 'main floor of the house'. Thank you for validating my presence in the world. You are awesome. Be blessed.

[@alexleon1756]

Couldn’t agree more!

[@asiyashahama5875]

As a 4w5, I found this video very helpful especially in understanding my current pursuit of putting my ideas and writing out into the world. This quarantine, I actually pulled myself out of that ‘withdrawal’ state that I always use to spend my time with and just really started expressing myself out aloud and connecting with people, helping them out with my insight. Whilst I was doubting whether am I being authentic in doing so, I found later on that sharing your thoughts and ideas can be so fulfilling. Being able to help someone understand themselves is so amazingly gratifying. This video has been so helpful to me to recognize what I have actually accomplished in these past few months. Your M&M analogy was really really good and so was that basement analogy. Your understanding of four especially 4w5 is so profound that I am so amazed by how accurate it felt watching this video. Thank you so much for making such incredible videos!

[@antoinettenovella1630]

It can be done. The more we go out of our comfort zone to understand others and ourselves, the happier we tend to be.

[@daringgreatly8473]

4w5. You nailed it! This brought so much clarity to me. I am withdrawn and I do pull away from people to get my needs met. 😳 I’ve been praying and wrestling with the 3 shell. I’m struggling to develop it and it’s causing my life delay.

[@neuroticmystic3142]

“They want people to know that they are in that deep end of the pool” my brain had a “click” moment.

[@adalaidepies661]

Watching this from my basement -4w5

[@meganpitt]

I appreciate this comment so much 😂🤗❤

[@critter_paws]

Same

[@lumi33tv]

also same

[@akpost8780]

You're healing people! Thank you for these insights.

[@trustyourself-ashleyching3646]

With your help, I am now free of diagnosis of my disorder, and I am sharing the info you have taught with the people in my disorder group. Thank you for changing so many lives for the better.

[@runningthor1999]

8 w7 man here, and my girlfriend is about as 4 as can be 😊. We have so much fun together, as she brings out my romantic side and in turn I give her some practicality, whether it’s planning dates or talking about a serious future together. I sometimes struggle though with her preoccupation with “the experience of ---“; she seems more about the journey than the destination sometimes, and is okay with things happening slowly. This is probably good for me as it teaches me patience but it’s still hard because I want her to succeed and I’m higher-energy so I have to back off the gas sometimes with her and let her process things.

[@candacesmith2015]

This is the most helpful 4w5 video I've ever seen! It feels a lot, a lot like confirmation that God is calling me to fly, to tap into my 3 wing, to SHARE what I've learned with OTHERS. Wow. Wow. Wow. I WEPT watching this. Thank you, Dr. LaHue.

[@HootsMcPoot]

I am a 4w5 and I always feel like you are talking directly to me in your 4 videos lol I have a career in management and I'm always trying to tap into the 3

[@chwayitayose845]

Wow. This is powerful and helpful. I'm already working on developing my 3 wing shell. I recently realized that you can get so much information about a person from small talk. It's like a non threatening approach to get access to people's information or information you will need later on . It was weird discovering that, but I'm now training myself with engaging in small talk...with delight and a positive attitude. Anyway, thank you Doc 🤗.

[@sydneydungan596]

I’m so glad I’m not alone in this

[@jasmin1773]

I recently heard an Interview from Beatrice Chestnut and I think Enneagramm 4 have this desire to dive deep fast. Because they think they can skip the "normal" Part of getting to know somebody, like: in which City are you Born, Do you have siblings, whats your favourite food. I also experimente this craving for deep emotions/connections with friends and in a relationship. I think the underlying reason is NOT like we want to think of ourselves that we are so deep and purposedriven. I mean we are, but also I experience this underlying fear of1.) Being " usual" when talking about normal things 2.) Fear of rejection, because tend to please others and thinking we can prevent this by showing our core very quickly. Some people can deal with this, but if we doing this just because of fear, its Tricks to get to know the" Real you".

[@vespertine789]

Haven't finished watching yet but this is my dilemma with every little social task, I'm so disheartened by how whats expected are these conversations and surface interactions I just cannot mesh with, I have to put interaction, and getting out of my basement - fabulous analogy - on my to do list like it's a chore. It's gotten really bad, I'm withdrawn, and reconnecting with others feels like this monumental thing that requires me to be inauthentic

[@momentmal5248]

SP 4w5 here. After the COVID lockdowns, getting out of the basement seems almost impossible. Beforehand I was so good at getting out, joining groups and engaging. The lockdowns were great in the sense that I totally connected with my depth again. Now with life back to “normal”, I’ve got to find the balance again. Even if I don’t want to really.

[@dragonm4364]

@@momentmal5248I relate to your comment a lot.

[@preciousmettlex]

“Create a shell” I think you just saved my life. Thank you.

[@munkami]

Brilliant. The most helpful guide to the fours struggle. I was called 'a real deep thinker' in a management review - wasn't clear if that was a compliment or not! These days, I'm pretty clear on being a 4w5. It's taken 40 years of life experience. Your counsel here,Tom, is priceless

[@ohhoworiginal]

Also a 4w5 here; way to shine the too-bright light onto our crusty eyes down in the basement. 😁 I don't think I see this "lean into your other wing" approach in other enneagram content. It seems deceptively simple, but of course requires the will and courage to take those steps! You've given me a lot to think about (but hopefully not for too long 😉). Thank you!

[@ronnychristenjoyer6778]

This is awesome! The first time I saw the enneagram I was like "yeahh right some fuckin new age personal development crap, as if I can be defined by a number", but I listened by accident to some enneagram therapist and his insights were astoundingly deep and subtle, so I gave the enneagram a second chance and did a personality test, read up on what it means and holy crap, this is awesome! I feel like I actually understand myself for the first time. I definately need to lean on the 3 to leave my dungeon and get back to the surface level, the "hello, how are you? oh I'm doing good and you? oh I'm doing great thanks for asking" world and contribute something. I already ordered three books on the enneagram, this is so insightful and interesting. Thanks for sharing this information for us basement 4's!

[@twlahue]

Glad to help

[@amandasnow7788]

This is fantastic and so spot on. As a 4w5, I live in the basement basically all the time these days and really needed to hear this. I think us 4s have a tendency to look down on our 3 side, so I'm really glad I watched this and I look forward to working on my 3 shell so I can bring more visitors to the "basement" lol.

[@dianawestrate3681]

I have a 4w5 and 5w4 in my life, and this information is extremely enlightening and helpful. Thank you!

[@twlahue]

Great to hear!

[@AstraeaAntiope]

I am amused by how serial killer-y it sounds to "meet someone in the parlor and invite them to the basement."

[@crowmedicine3890]

Hahahaha!

[@brianb2571]

😂😂😂

[@slesfitch]

Thank you! I relate to this. I like the advice to meet people where they are, and then invite them into deeper conversation.

[@whenyousmileismiletoo5419]

MY BIGGEST PROBLEM IS MY INFERIORITY COMPLEX. When I go outside I see other girls and feel so small about myself. they can talk better and dress better and ill never be able to reach that level of comfort.

[@nastja3294]

You will reach that level of comfort ❤❤ As time goes by you will notice the changes and how you’ve evolved into this confident, glowing woman 🙏🏼

[@smileyjing]

Thank you. I have a strong resistance towards developing a shell and that has limit my growth in life. You have enlightened me on how the “shell” coating is something that shouldn’t be taken lightly of, or intentionally put aside, as I might be missing a big part of life. Glad I found this:) It’s gna be so so hard but I believe I can breakthrough this

[@susanfletcher9418]

After frequent dreams about exploring basements and various houses during the pandemic, this finally popped up on my KZbin feed. ❤️ I often do have dreams about basements in homes, and those dreams are to spend getting more and more frequent lately. Thanks for helping me figure out what might be going on in my brain

[@Mhelikerart]

Seriously- this is so helpful. Thank you. I’m an enneagram 4 and a mom of 4 kids- I’m trying to figure out how to be who I am and be worn out all the time from the constant givegivegive. I feel so emotionally exhausted that I’ve got massive burnout. I felt freest when I started teaching in CR and found how to exercise my 4w3 self. Not having interaction with others these last months has been so incredibly difficult. I look forward more to your insight (cause I don’t have the time or brain power to do it myself anymore with 4 munchkins under age 10 eating my brain 🙁).

[@michellewhitehead1922]

Dude... I'm 4 minutes into this vid and I feel like you understand me better than anyone! I just discovered the enneagram a week ago, and you are thus far a dynamite guide.

[@benbrick8880]

Thank you for your insight as I crawl out of my literal basement and move back in with my friends at the office. This was very encouraging and it came at the perfect time.

[@bugjustine]

Self preservation 4w5. This just made me snort... because you're so not wrong. Thank you for this.

[@theinnerworkclub6060]

So helpful! Thank you for describing the 3 wing in the m&m way like you did. In my mind it triggered profound sadness...now it’s an identity to wear in order to serve others. And when I’m really lucky I can invite them to the depths of emotion, even if only for a bit. Really life changing! I will be booking a call with you soon to talk about what it can look like to lean into 3 and growing into 1. So happy I found u! Thanks!!!!

[@harmantumber]

The profile bit at the start took me out cause it’s so true.

[@Rebjh]

Thank you for making and sharing this video. It is such an important message for me to hear. Wish I had heard it when I was much younger, but I will try to remember and act on it going forward.

[@andrewwabik5125]

The problem is that you’re asking a type that is dead set on being authentic to lean on a wing that might not be their natural wing, and in a sense asking them to forgo their authenticity. I imagine that it’s a big problem for 4w5s to get over that.

[@Qar-bp1yr]

THANK YOU SO MUCH! I was mistyped for a long time and learned I am a 4w3 recently. I have been stressed for 2 weeks now, for knowing my type made it seem helpless; I am a 4 and thats that. I have been thinking exactly about you were saying; the chocolate, the shell, where should I be? It’s a very strong inner conflict. You putting it that way, and explaining, HELPED A LOT! Now I see it better and clearer. Thanks so much!

[@morgyndanaewellness]

Thank you so much. I really enjoyed this. I could relate as a 4w3 that also resonates with w5 at times. My truest dreams and my success as a performer and in my business REQUIRES me to strengthen my 3w expression. You said it perfectly and I appreciate your very timely support! 🙏😄

[@brianbeattympls]

Love the M&M analogy.

[@LovaLova808]

That shell is a part of you💚💛

[@jengibbs3049]

Jennifer Mitchell that was my big ahh ha moment!!!

[@jams4jcmusic]

Hi Tom , the power and insight from these videos are simply incredible . Thank you . I am a 4w3 and soon I am going to make friends at church and play music 🎶 . This helped me identify that I really do have a w3 to my dominant 4 ! Woot woot

[@lisaa9091]

Thank you. I find it SO interesting that the 4 can benefit from leaning into the 3 and being more shallow. 4’s hate being shallow, however, I understand how being a little more light and surfacy can make us more approachable!

[@alexleon1756]

I abhor the idea of being even a bit shallow but it’s true, it’s what us 4’s needs to be able to thrive and feel satisfaction in our lives.

[@peaceglory5973]

Lol the way you put it is spot on.

[@oceanmoonbelle]

Just learning about this but when you said “what do you do to get out of the basement” I immediately thought “lean in to the other wing(3) I love how you called it the parlor! I think I leaned heavily into the 3 when I was younger but as the years have gone on (I’m 47) I haven’t leaned that way in YEARS!

[@lenadryade]

So reassuring Dr Tom Lahue.. admittedly, i started off with your video “help for the fours”, which from the depth of my four felt a bit “more” hopeless…but saying that, I might have been listening from the abyss of my basement 😅 I am finding your videos really helpful and i just wanted to say thank you for being you, and tuning into, with what i perceive as honest transparency and a felt sincere attempt to connect to all nine corners of the enneagram. Every blessing ✨🙌🏽✨

[@LoserDub]

In 6th grade I used to bike to the library and would get books on meaning of life philosophy, plan to, big things.. No one would be my friend cause I would want to talk about that stuff instead of who's saying who

[@kittylover2508]

Well, nobody wants to talk with me (4w5) about the enneagram, exept my best friend who's a 5w6.

[@frisky117]

Hi Dr Tom! This was so spot on and helpful! Thank you . I'm Dr Rich and a 4w5 itching to rise up out of isolation with my 3 wing! I'm a chiropractor and ordained minister with a deep message...well lotsa messages lol, and Now is the time to become more visible and vocal! I'll check out your website to learn more about what you're up to. :)

[@DanA-eq7kf]

Great video, Tom! sp4w5 here, and I've enjoyed all your type 4 videos so far. I definitely believe what you're advocating for here. Times when my 3 side comes out definitely feel like times when I'm a more vital, healthy version of myself. I've definitely been spending more time in the basement in recent months than is best for me. The only problem being, in my mind, that as an introvert (which I imagine most 4s and 5s are), it mostly comes down to the energy I have available. It's definitely important for 4s and 5s to be aware that staying locked up in the basement, and not venturing out to meet people from time to time, is not so great for them. But, as you said, we have that push-pull where we both want and don't want to engage others. I think that a 4w5 who has learned to effectively use their 3 wing is essentially a 4w5 who has practiced and developed skill in energy management, which is no easy thing for a 4, since the ratio of available things that energize us versus drain us is not so in our favor, it seems. There are plenty of instances where I can acknowledge that engaging with a certain group of people who happen to be around would probably be good for me, but the social battery power just isn't there. Typically, if I know there's an opportunity coming up to engage people with my 3ness, I'll do whatever I can to recoup energy so that it's there when I need it, and I can make the most of the interaction. Rarely do I happen to have it, though, when those situations just arise, unplanned. I think lower energy levels are kind of the default/baseline for 4w5s, unless we've had a good amount of time to ourselves, and it can be hard to rouse that energy without time to prepare. But, as you point out, self-awareness is definitely the first and likely most important step in the right direction. Thanks for creating this channel and for all the content you put out! I'm sure it's benefiting a lot of people. Cheers!

[@InaStar98]

Thank you for calling me out, it was actually exactly what I needed! I cleaned my entire kitchen while watching this 😂

[@alliedcoaching1204]

Fantastic advice Dr Tom. Adding on the energy of the 3 helps a lot! It adds the self-esteem and confidence required to perform out there. 4's would stay playing guitar in their bedroom if they are too introverted. Splash on some 3! 4 can see the 3 as "shallow" though. I would reframe it to say that 3 is solid, confident and actualising their potential. Add on the 3 as a skill that you use to adapt so you CAN bring your inner world into the world for others. I would also add in the "1". Having the discipline and work ethic can boost the 4 to reach their potential. Get that discipline, get that coffee, work hard and bring your world out. No regrets!

[@melissaphillis7247]

Thank you, this really helps me understand, not only where my 4w5 20 year old daughter is at, but why she really hates her 3w2 Dad....really doesn't want to be dragged out of her basement, wants to wallow....and is denying the w3 to her life....now, how on earth can I share this with her in a way she will actually hear.....okay, back to praying 🙏🙏🙏

[@twlahue]

Wow...That one is tough.

[@rosemalone27]

Shocking how spot on this is

[@suze144]

You're amazing, thank you! ❤ 4w3 here and you just reminded me of what my friends sometimes told me "you're so much fun and so deep, how do you do that?" 😊 you just inspired me to come out to the parlour again, thanks

[@twlahue]

Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm glad I could inspire you to get back out there. Keep shining!

[@annekruger1942]

Dr. Tom La Hue, how du you know me so well?? It feels like you directly speek to me. Thank you for your help, understanding and attention. It makes such a change 😘

[@twlahue]

Wow, thank you

[@shanamartin3197]

This was one of the most helpful things I've listened to.on this subject period. Thank you so much for sharing!

[@twlahue]

I'm so glad!

[@ljh2460]

I love how divinely timed this is. Thank you so so much🙏🏽✨

[@Jeff-zx6rt]

The ramones had a song about fours. It went hey romeo, I don't wanna go down to the basement

[@gregoryritchie7852]

I appreciate YOU, Tom. I'm a 4 and have been a believer for some years. I desperately need to move to the three wing. Thanks for awakening me to this for the very first time!!!

[@twlahue]

Right on!

[@AddressPending]

Amazing video. Spot on. I’m a 4 in a relationship with a 3 and this gave so much clarity to our dynamic.

[@Nikitaxo24]

I'm going to put that on my dating profile. I'm looking for someone who can explore my basement and doesn't mind cobwebs. Haha 😂

[@sadkkaansarak9609]

As a 4 I loved every bit of information and advice you gave. The problem with leaning to the 3 wing is that it should happen sincerely, not out of compulsion. The problem is that most of the time it does not happen because I want it to happen. It happens as a side effect of another choice I purposefully made. Also, I need to be sure that I can get to my basement whenevet I want when I come to the surface and get suffocated.

[@smol20432]

as a 4w3 thank you!!! i didn't know how much i needed to hear that i also have a 3 side

[@Deathdoulamedium]

Super helpful. I am many times Misunderstood. I do withdraw and isolate! I am meant to Step Out, Go Big etc…. Embracing that 3 side of me. Playful and Fun! 🎉

[@BeautifullyHuman333]

God bless you for the work you have put into all your online content. It has helped me immensely

[@iamtruthseeker444]

I'm a 4w 5 and I can so relate with some of the commenter about how draining and for me (fake) to stay in that 3 wing for too long, however I'm definitely gonna make an effort. The m&m analogy helped. Balance is key

[@gracesanity6314]

4... Feels deeply the separation from source. We hate being here.

[@czitopou1]

Wow!!! What an accurate and helpful explanation for 4s!!!Thank you!!! ❤

[@twlahue]

You are so welcome

[@Hrt3333]

Thank you for this. I love being a four so long as I am not festering in the basement. I've been cultivating my three wing, working on knowing my enoughness! I find it interesting that you would think it would be tough to listen to this. That is such a seven way to present this material! I find that fours are the most honest and humble people I know, they tend to be so self aware. I love my dark chocolate nature and the first thing that came to mind for my shell around my chocolate was gold leaf wrapped chocolate. Now that's a four with a three wing for you!!!! 😂😂 Gotta stay unique!! 😂😂

[@annaw.mischief3670]

I genuinely enjoyed listening to this video.

[@katgarrett736]

Love your videos so much! Could you possibly do a video on relating to types that, “go against people/move people around” to get their needs met? As a 4w5, I conflict with 3’s, 7’s, and 8’a for this very reason and see this quality as sinful and self-serving. I’m also a teacher and have the most conflict with these types of parents...I can figure out their enneagram pretty quickly 😂. I want to understand how to interact with them but it’s very difficult to understand this going against since my aim is to connect.

[@mv2537]

As a 4w5, literally laughed our loud at this title, great video. Just wished there were helpful tips on how to tap in to 3.

[@dorcasc1811]

I was 4w5 one year ago but now I am 4w3. I can relate to this so much! I like being 4w3 much better XD

[@bystreetsky]

I love your videos! So supportive like a 🐬 in the ocean depth 🤗 Thank you from the depth of my heart 💜

[@yeganehmohajer8653]

Hello Tom and thanks for the video! As always you are doing a great job with your specialized videos on enneagram. But I think I need to add a comment this time to this video of yours, because I think it does not get the complexity of a 4w5 as it is. As 4w5s, we have already experienced how it feels interaction with others through our inclination versus 2 through stressed times, which was not a joyful journey. Our stressed out inclination towards 1 was full of self-judgment as well, which was not helpful either. So, you can see why we preferred the basement in the first place. I personally, most of the times, neither want to come to the surface, nor want I anybody to come here either :) I don't want to interact because of 2 major reasons: First, when you lean towards your wing 3, you get vulnerable to the competition, and if you are not ready to get exposed and have something special to express and easy to understand for the majority to listen to, you might not get the encouragement and get so ashamed of your very being that you prefer to go to your basement for always. Second, going to the sufuce not only means you get vulnerable to the others, but it also means that you get more connected with your envious desires which themselves origin from your self-insufficiency. And if you charge that shame with this exposure, you might get lost in your goals and actions. That's why I feel like the advice you are giving us about going up towards w3 hits some solid obstacles. Both of these reasons make it feel safer to stay in that basement. I don't think for a 4w5 to come to the surface it is ideal to lean towards their wing 3. Don't you think it would be better for us to work on our inclination towards good behaviors of 1? I think that way we get more disciplined, accomplish a thing or 2 in our lives via action rather than philosophical introspection that we always do, and then we will be on the surface, not by representing ourselves like 3s, but by actualizing our ideals and speaking the language of our own.

[@quashy]

Great video! I’d really really love to hear more about the 5w4! Thanks 🙏

[@twlahue]

Noted!

[@mamaahu]

This was absolutely brilliant and passionate and evocative! Absolutely so excited to hear this information about a four with a three-way the Eminem analogy is the coolest ever thank you so much

[@lisawilder7626]

This helps me understand my father!

[@sofielehr6970]

this was the most helpful thing i've heard in a long time ❤thank you!

[@twlahue]

You're so welcome!

[@harryhitter9647]

wow man, type 4w5 here, (INFP) I think ive been forced to develop my 3 wing, and I'm very thankful that i have. good stuff.

[@pamboatwright8281]

I am loving listening to all this information about the "4" Learning so much. Thank you!

[@zephaniahlisha6775]

I as 4w5 do not relate to your statement Dr Tom that 4s want to fit in. I mean i don't want to, i want to be me and it doesn't matter whether i fit in or apear different. I love to interact with people and help them in every way possible but i can't sacrifice my authenticity for people. Every time i meet people who are dominating and superficial i feel a strong urge to disassociate and go into my basement to make sure I'm behaving according to my values. It's not that people are not important to me, they are i love them but i want to give people my real self and expect from them the same. But i understand some people can't be like this so now i just let myself be calm and keep being me.

[@Masechka143]

Watched this when it came out. Back to rewatch this to help me get out of my inner basement...4/5 here :(

[@prim9193]

I appreciate your nuanced take (especially considering the low-quality misinformation and mistyping unchecked in the online E community). But, I wonder whether the glossy candy shell truly is requisite for E4w5 health. I love it down here. I sometimes breathe in my version of happy down here. I have no desire for anything E3. Granted, the shell serves as a means for securing corporeal survival/success. (Ideally, groveling for resources would not be necessary.) Materially, I can/have made strides by adopting the structure inherent in E1, but I can incorporate that structure down here. The show pollutes realness and cripples creativity.

[@phendranaa]

Depends on what you want to do with your life. When the 4 cannot hold in their unique point of view any longer and must express themselves I can see them doing whatever it takes to share their creativity with the world.

[@veronicapatino7184]

I love to hear all info you share! Thank you!

[@niharika14]

Definitely struggle with feeling like it's "not really me" (the M&M shell). Unfortunately, it has repulsed people I want to attract, consistently and always. I feel like I am at the basest of the basement right now.

[@megankate4722]

This is my 5w4 SoundCloud bio Megan Kate is not just a performer, she's an experience ... like no other with her loungey sunday sofa sound. Within minutes the crowd can be seen scuttling off as blood streams from their ears, clearly to go tell all of their friends of the brilliance and splendour that is Miss Megan Kate. A lady to the very end, Megan enjoys long walks on the beach, a warm cup of tea and aggressively thrusting her clenched fist into air in harmony with the gentle hymns of Arnuad Rebotini and friends. For bookings : Light 5 candles (in a neat circle) take 1 x1 blunt butter knife and carve your details into your arm. We'll be sure to get back to you xx

[@mari-clairevanheerden5275]

Hi there, thanks so much for the video! So my question is, as sexual 4's seeking intensity and authenticity we tend to over dramatize life in general especially because we don't want to live life in the mundane but yet the balance between the intensified expectation of life we desire and acceptance of the mundane or "superficial" seems needed in order for us to survive so that we don't self sabotage by self-isolating and getting to that unhealthy place. So what do we need to implement or focus on to get that balance. I don't like or enjoy small talk or superficial conversations as they seem meaningless and redundant but it's quite evident that those types of conversations are needed in order for us to get to the meaning making conversations we so desperately desire. What do I need to learn in order to not laser focus, be overwhelming and scare people off but instead to create a welcoming space for people to feel safe and secure on a superficial level before moving into the meaning making process.

[@riteasrain]

You're so right about the filling in of profiles bit 😂👍

[@kathryn2334]

Brilliant. I learn so much from your videos. Thank you.

[@christinapiva7846]

The M&M shiny shell analogy was a great example! Thank you

[@sonyagirodon9510]

As we are not naturally chirpy birds, don't we tire people with what we bring to the world because it is too deep for most people's tolerance level? And when we ask a 3 (in private and with the correctly selected phrases) "do all your diplomas and fancy cars and salesman-of-the year really matter to you?" won't we be put back in our place and be called envious or arrogant? I just really have the feeling that in general people don't like deep questions. I have difficulties imagining moving towards 3 to put on a shiny polished colourful mask onto my 4 to make it look more presentable, but I get your point. Maybe the shiny coat is what was missing all along! This is probably the most insightful video I've seen in my life! Now I want to put on a shiny green M&M coat! Ha-ha! It will be deliciously alluring on the outside and irresistible at its core! Thank you, Dr. Tom!

[@charlotteerickson2486]

That can be tricky when you comes to the heart. Sometimes it's pretty filled up with Miss guided emotions from childhood and could be misinterpreted.

[@karaquick395]

Hello! This is Hysterical!! Well I'm a 4w5 and any time I engage in any convo that is deeper than they want to go? Put it this way. If I want to clear a room?" I just say something that's beyond their "normal." We need some sort of 4wallls /protection whether a solid or psychological barrier of some sort where we can get quiet. Meditate. If I feel people are watching me then I can't relax. Bringing out as you say is risky to us Tom. We tend to get used or walked on and honestly I don't need to experience it anymore. Like if I sat quietly and I started talking to a lion? You would think I'm nuts! Lol. So "No!" I can feel other feelings that are real and don't need to be spotlighted. You know why? Because if I want to be "spotlighted" I can get that any time I want it. I just talk to people if I need "ego crap!" I don't need that stuff to often. My heart says, "MORE THAN I CAN EXPLAIN BECAUSE THEY ARE NO WORDS TO DESCRIBE THEM IN ENGLISH. It's not that we don't want to socialize we people, we do! We want that a lot!! We can't risk being hurt or taken because people kick us when we are down. I erased what I wrote because I still don't know the answer Tom. Here's a challenge for you Dr. Tom you will go nuts lol. It's harder than people think.? So this is the challenge: "Observe without Evaluating!" Good luck! Hehe

[@lindseyknea4898]

I am a 4 w 5 feeling and am feeling in the basement at the moment and can really relate to what you’re saying! I love your videos, especially since my husband is also a 7. I would love to hear your thoughts on a 4’s desire to have a rescuer. I hate to admit it, but the more I study the enneagram, I can see that in myself- when I feel down, I want my husband to see me, be there with me and give support and comfort- but he, being a 7 doesn’t like to see the low side and staying on the surface which feels like a loss of connection and trust.

[@lindseyknea4898]

Also, looking back to college when I feel like I was my best, shiniest self I was always hosting and entertaining people and felt so happy! Since having kids and feeing like my house is always a disaster I haven’t had people over I literally feel dull.

[@jsuisunptitsucre]

17:05 highlight on that part of the video that made me understand that I am an M&Ms. I love that. I take it😂😂

[@twlahue]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts! I'm thrilled that the video resonated with you and helped you see yourself in a new light.

[@cheese7993]

This was incredible!

[@twlahue]

Awe, Thanks

[@RicardBiel]

I really appreciate this video. You do a really nice job and in a really nice way.

[@twlahue]

Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm glad you enjoyed the video.

[@colleengloe9121]

This is good for me to think about as a 4w5. Thanks so much !😊