Ultimatums in dating and engagement

"It's me or the smoking, you're going to have to pick one." Today, we're talking about ultimatums in dating and how important they can be when you look at the permanence of the marriage commitment.
Links mentioned:
Navigating Engagement: navigatingengagement.com/
Patreon: / emilywilson
What to do when a guy pays attention to you: • WHAT TO DO when a guy ...

[@cynthiaijeoma5794]

Perfect timing! I have been trying since January to breakup with my boyfriend due to some nonnegotiable. I have caught myself at intervals going back to him hoping that he changes his mind but it's obvious I have to move on. My nonnegotiable is a negotiable for him and it's quite relieving that I found out before marriage but disappointing because I invested my time and emotions into the relationship. Thank you for sharing this.

[@maegan22]

8:50 really resonated with me... You say vows to whoever a person is... not to the person you wish they hope to be...

[@deborahbarker9173]

I would not marry a person who treats waiters, clerks, maids etc poorly just because they are in the service industry.

[@emwilss]

Yep. As someone who was a waitress for a good long time and treated like garbage more often than I'd care to admit, this is VERY IMPORTANT!!!

[@margiehalpern4573]

Yep...I'd say it's a mix of being open-minded about the little things while being clear, in your own mind and heart, about what are TO YOU the big, meaningful go/no-go things. And then taking action if the no-go things are present (not, as Emily says, hoping for them to change at some magical point down the road, or being afraid that that's the best you can do).

[@simply_rs5387]

This came at a PERFECT time for me. I’ve spent the past few days figuring out my non negotiables during a critical part of my relationship. Thank you!

[@emwilss]

I am so, so glad on the timing for you. Praise God.

[@rachelb2224]

I've found it is very helpful to start with the nonnegotiables, especially online. When a guy messages, I like to thank them and then mention upfront how my faith is very important to me. Oftentimes, this can be guy repellent, which can be discouraging, but I try to remind myself it's better to struggle than settle for less than what my heart needs.

[@juliaricciardi8482]

This was a very much-needed reminder because all this is in my head, but to HEAR how important it is again is critical. Thank you so much for this video!!

[@aleksandraadams3123]

I really needed this video. Definitely gave me some food for thought. Thank you.💗

[@sonalijairaj6930]

Thank you so much for the clarity that you've given in this video. It's amazing to have both your husband's part in this as yours, because this affects both husband and wife. I don't have a lot of people around me that talk about topics like these, as they don't necessarily talk about the Church's teachings, but still very much needed in a marriage. Thank you both!

[@emwilss]

You are so welcome!

[@shady1234shady]

Thanks for the wisdom shared in this video! Love hearing from a couple about Imperative topics like this!

[@emwilss]

Glad you enjoyed it!!! Thanks so much Samantha!

[@elizabethdelaney3036]

A God ordinated video I definitely needed the reminder of. 💗 thank you for affirming that it’s not only ok, but good to have boundaries.

[@emwilss]

I am so glad this helped you. Praise God.

[@laravdijk6747]

Thanks for this video. I had to make a hard decision because of this a few weeks ago. I dated with him for a bit but not really official yet. Still it feels like a breakup because it was the first guy in my life I was this close with, I had my first kiss etc. It went quite fast psychically in the end, which was a whole new world to me and it makes you feel so loved. I loved being with him and still I miss his friendship badly. But I had to make the choice to stop this situationship. I thank God I got the courage to do so. I felt in my heart I could NOT compromise on some faith based things (like physical boundaries, and other stuff). It's sooo easy and tempting to fall for compromising (I let myself down in that a bit), because things feels good and you know it'll hurt if you stop. And man it does. He made me happy in this time of my life where I was struggling. And I know I shouldn't have been so dependent on him for that, but more on God. I know I will come out stronger. But to experience love for the first time and then loose it quite quick, that stings. It's easy to get lost in sadness. But I know choosing for God and His values will not let me down. I will learn from this and come out stronger. But the hurt is real. I'm glad we didn't go too far physically because I can't imagine how much it hurts if things end then. It's already hard to first be close with someone and then see that connection between you two change to how it was before again. This ended up being a whole story but felt the need to share it😊 Hugs to everyone going through heartbreak. I'm happy with this liked minded community who gives me motivation and strength. ❤❤

[@strawberrysmile2212]

You are so strong, Lara! I am standing before the decision of breaking up with my boyfriend (with whom I sadly have crossed boundaries that I should not have crossed.) I remember that before we have even became officially a couple, I was not quite sure, if he is a person I should date, but I continued to date, because it felt so good as you say. It is like a diving platform, which continually grows and when you do not jump in the beginning it only get higher and higher. You have done the right thing, I wish I can say this soon about myself too. Lots of love Xx 💗

[@laravdijk6747]

@@strawberrysmile2212 Thank you so much for your response. I feel for you. I know how hard it is. But choices like this we won't regret. Time will heal, and God obviously will be our strength. I'll pray for you, as I know how easy it is to not cut the ties and ignore. I've also had doubts at the beginning but I kept having hope and wanted to give it a try. Which is not bad in itself. Its been three to four weeks and I was just crying about it and thinking, when does this sad feeling go away. Yes it's getting a little better and I know with my mind that I made the right decision. But at certain moments it's still so hard. At that time it felt so good having the experiences I had with him, but I think if we stopped before getting more close physically it would've hurt wayyy less. But that's how it went and it's also part of life and learning. But being physically close really impacts you a lot, even though at that time it just feels so easy and good to do it. Keep strong, things will get better 😘💕

[@strawberrysmile2212]

@@laravdijk6747 Thank you for you answer and especially for your prayer! ❤️ For somebody who is struggling with wanting to breakup as I am it is so good to hear that I am not the only person in the universe dealing with this, also if I wish your heart would be healed by moment. I am praying for you too! It is so good to hear that things get better by time. The days go by and I every day I say to myself: Not today. Today is not a good day for breaking up. Hopefully the next time I will come back to your comment I will be able to say: I've done it. Dear Lara, I wish you and everyone heartbroken and struggling God's best blessing ❤️ May you have a wonderful and blessed day 💐

[@katelynisaak5544]

Thank you for this video! I love hearing your guys passion and desire to revive good and holy marriages. That is definitely something I desire and have never heard anyone ever mention that desire. Can’t wait to hear more of what you have to say and take it to prayer to figure out how the Lord wants to work in this desire!

[@nicoleyoshihara4011]

Thank you so much for your advice ❤💕 I will not settle!💯

[@curlyclouds9]

This hit my heart. Thanks

[@emwilss]

Thanks for letting us know

[@mintyhippo8125]

This is one thing that I struggle with. I don’t have anyone in my life to give me good relationship advice. The people around me have 1) never been in a relationship, 2) have only been in unhealthy relationships, or 3) not been close enough to me to talk about stuff like that. One thing I really struggle with is that my boyfriend smokes weed. He doesn’t do it all the time, but he also doesn’t see a problem with it. He uses it to help him sleep and socialize, and I do not approve. If we ever get married and have kids, I don’t want my kids thinking weed is okay. I want my kids to be able to deal with their problems in a healthy way, and not use substances to cover up other issues. We are still young, but I’m worried that he will never quit, and I don’t want to raise kids like that. It sucks because we have a good relationship besides that…. We aren’t close to getting married, but we are in a serious relationship.

[@Toopalaylay]

A friend of mine doesn’t like her bf smoking weed and he did quit for her. So it’s do able

[@ashglass7433]

Be strong and move on, you’re not gonna wanna deal with that I promise you. Please hear me.

[@adabecerra8265]

On top of the other two comments, if he doesn't want to quit, move on. The idea of quitting will be a burden for him and soon you will be a burden to him

[@nicolerostea9825]

I was in the exact same situation. And I put up with it for 3.5 years because I loved him and wanted to help him. He kept saying he didn’t want to do it anymore, and finally he told me he quit for good. Turns out he was doing cocaine and smoking weed behind my back for 6 months. He lied to my face, and once I found out, I knew I could NEVER be with someone who lies. My point is, if you know what you want/need in a partner, do not settle for less! I broke up with him (which was one of the hardest things I ever had to do) and now I am engaged to the man of my dreams who would never even dream of doing a single drug, let alone lie to my face about it. DO NOT SETTLE. It is so much better to be single than to put up with a partner who you are not meant to be with, I promise!

[@LadyK007]

@@nicolerostea9825 💯🎯

[@TheIfeomaa]

Yay, early notification, gang. This is so needed video

[@emwilss]

Hi!!!!!!

[@yasmine9046]

I’m so early wow, very excited!!

[@emwilss]

YAY! Thanks for being here, I'm so glad we are able to upload again!

[@jfcmanalo]

the timing if this video!

[@teenytinytompkins9953]

Hey Emily!!! This video is great and I love the wisdom you share!! A while back you made a video about questions to ask before getting married that helped guide my conversations a lot! I’m now married with a baby on the way! Do you and Daniel have a list of some questions or topics to discuss about kids and child-raising while pregnant or before getting pregnant?

[@kulaninibyaura9853]

Loved this. Thank you.

[@emwilss]

Glad you enjoyed it!

[@gina8652]

Love this so much! What would your advise be for someone who gave an ultimatum before marriage, but is now dealing with their spouse going back to what they promised they would give up? i.e. smoking, addictions etc.

[@megalopolis2015]

I am in a rather unusual position, where the person I am with was the person I should have never seen again in the past, and the person I am miraculously moving forward with now. God kept us apart to grow my beloved, as well as have me rely on Him, trusting Him, and putting Him first, regardless of what I believed the outcome of my life would be. Since our reunification, we have built a lot of trust, which we hadn't been able to do before, in large part because he allowed Jesus into his heart this time around, opening the way for consistent, open, and Loving communication and prayer. Having God lead is vitally important. Spiritual agreement is non-negotiable, because it is really the only way an intimate, healthy relationship can grow into a joyful, abundant marriage.

[@dianawilde417]

I will not marry someone who is not a practising Catholic. Be prepared to stay single and ASK for Gods Graces to do this 🙏

[@GG-yv7yl]

For 2 years out of my 4 year relationship, I didn't feel like our passion for our Catholic faith was the same. I tried so hard to explain to him that I want to be equally yoked with my husband. There were many moments of hope, also many fights about it. I just feel like he never understood, so I let him go, thinking surrendering him to God was my last option, and that God would work in both our hearts while apart. I just learned he entered a new relationship one month after our last kiss, and I'm so heartbroken and feel rejected and easily replaced. Now I'm wondering if I would've been clearer in communication during the breakup, if things would be different now. I wish I would've worded it like you did "this is what I want, the ball is in your court". I know I'm not powerful enough to ruin God's plan, but I can't help feeling like I messed everything up.

[@Sabrinad345]

I feel you here about ending a potentially amazing relationship and wondering if you made a huge mistake. Just know (and I’m also learning this) that your ex’s actions are not reflective of you or your worth or lovableness. It sounds like he did not give himself time to mourn and heal and reflect, which is not good and is a trait that potentially would’ve given way to many more issues if you stayed together down the road. If you gave him up and surrendered it to God after giving it your best shot, I truly believe you can’t go wrong. God saw your intentions and passion for your faith and wanting to share that w your partner. He will bless you in your obedience. It may take time to gain clarity and peace, but Gods got you just like he’s got me! What’s meant to be, he will make happen in his perfect timing.

[@carriethornhill8992]

I understand how you feel to a degree. I had a deep love for someone who had the same faith I did but wasn't active in church and didn't seem to be striving with his life to seek after God whole heartedly. He stuck to his beliefs but was complacent and without goals in his spiritual life. He too moved on after I rejected him and it totally sucks and hurts because you have those feelings and questions in the back of your head. For me I've been thinking that it doesn't matter if I made a mistake or not. I made a decision because my priority for someone I want to date is their relationship with God. It sounds like you have the same heart. I don't have any advice for you but know that God has compassion for you every moment that you hurt and wonder and wish. Im not giving advice for you. Every person is different, but something that helps me is this- every time I hurt or that worry comes at me. I repeat scripture to myself or remind myself of truth that God cares and knows. That I'm blessed and to look for what I'm thankful for now in the present. It's both a decision and a process that makes imperfect progress over time. Thank God imperfect progress is still progress. May the Lord be with you my sister in Christ.

[@adabecerra8265]

I been there recently this past year. Just know God has a great plan for you. Don't let that lie that you are not good enough to take over your life. If you like to hear some advice, pray for emotional healing, and work on your relationship with God first. There will be alot of struggles along the way, no doubt about that. But time will tell. Stay close to Christ. Spend time with Him. Volunteer at your local parish, etc. Offer up your sufferings. Ask Mary to pray for you also. And read the scriptures. It helps to hear the word of God, even when its the hardiest. He hears your heart. Don't loose sight of Christ.

[@maegan22]

Praying that God has someone better coming your way... maybe even the one! Or maybe He's trying to tell you that marriage shouldn't be your vocation... I think all I can really say is pray... communicate with God... Maybe He'll send you someone in your life when you aren't looking for them... that happened with me....

[@m.l.2483]

Thank you Daniel and Emily, it really helps to see people take marriage seriously. I find the closer I grow to God, the more people He sends to support my walk. I couldn't marry a man who doesn't follow Jesus because I want a family home that honours God. I'm single and have my own place so that's very important to me.

[@BlessedisShe]

Thanks for sharing!!

[@ursulabarreto2844]

Amen! Hallelujah!❤

[@kyriek0811]

Hi Emily!

[@emwilss]

Hi kyrie!!!!

[@Dr_Analise]

I don't want to marry a man shorter than me ! I think that is a personal choice .. I do not de mean anyone about it .. it is a personal choice ...

[@Rachel-hv5im]

I agree. I think that being attracted to someone is important in a marriage and if his height is significantly impacting your attraction that matters.

[@michaelsaenz380]

@@Rachel-hv5im As a man, I also agree with this. It's a reasonable choice.

[@shierraharris3872]

We all want to marry someone that we personally find attractive (it shouldn’t matter if other people aren’t attracted to them as our spouse is for us not for them). I would hope that you would stay with your spouse however if they became really ill, could no longer walk due to a bad car accident, maybe they’re paralyzed, things of that nature. There’s nothing wrong with attraction as that is important. And then there people who are so shallow and superficial that when things like that happen, they leave at once….and I really hope you’re not one of those people. I would advise people like that to not even think about getting into a serious relationship let alone getting married. And don’t be so picky that you end up not getting married…cause unfortunately a woman I know is in her 40s; still single, due to that very reason. Realized the guy was great after all but he moved on and it was too late. Some people think there is no one good (looking) enough for them and that’s not good either. It’s about balance. Everyone isn’t going to end up marrying a supermodel and that’s OK.

[@martianwalker31]

Amen to that!

[@emwilss]

Hey thanks!

[@amenamen5204]

❤❤❤❤

[@isabellemarkunovic2048]

Sally.

[@pamm2652]

I kind of disagree with giving a telling someone you will only marry someone of the same religion if they are not and in a relationship with you. Because then you don't know if what they are doing is for you or for God. If it's for you then it is easier for those actions to die out over time.

[@carriethornhill8992]

That's why many Christians won't even date someone with a different faith if that's something that's important for them. That way that doubt never comes up in marriage.

[@annifanni23]

I am Orthodox and my partner is Pentecostal. I believe the truth church is the orthodox and Catholic Church. Both are over 2,000 years old. Traditions and doctrine stay the same which I love versus modern churches. Whilst I am Orthodox I also see so much beauty in the Catholic faith. My partner mom was raised Catholic but switched to a more “Christian bible based” church which was Pentecostal. I think she thinks that Catholics aren’t Christian which I disagree on. She also thinks my church is like Catholic and I feel a distance from my partner at times. He says my baptism isn’t valid because I was a baby and they believe you need to be an adult to consent because you don’t know who Jesus is. I think they have talked about my faith while I’m not there; They can be so judgemental saying we worship idols etc. and “have I come to know/seek Jesus with all my heart”. We plan to get married in my church. It was something I put my foot down on. I will not compromise. I have compromised enough. He has only seen the interior of church but i pray that he will learn and see the beauty of my church that I see. I told him I will not marry him if he doesn’t come to mass. I have compromised and gone to his services so I’m hoping he will grow to like it. But yes sometimes I wonder will happen if we getting married as his mom thinks the lead pastor of Hillsong is a “man of God’ll even though he just resigned and had been alleged to cover his fathers child sex abuse. I don’t want her saying that around my kids. Anyone here been in two different denominations and married? I didn’t realise how hard it can be even if we are both Christian 🤔?

[@tanushreemoonsamy1976]

I’m a Christian I believe that Jesus died on the cross for me and paid the full my price for my sins as I repent and believe daily and have faith this is what my saviour did for me I rejoice that one day I will live with Him! I do have the same view when it comes to baptism as your partner! I guess you can test things by the what the Bible says if you unsure! Another thing I do believe that theological you believe in the same doctrine as it makes it easier when it comes to talking about faith! I have read online by John Piper Desiring God about having the same theology it could be something to read!

[@mintberry7429]

As Lutheran in a relationship with Pentecostal partner I feel for you. The fact that your partner and his mother so harshly and openly judge (and possibly even deny) your faith seems very worrisome considering the future of your relationship.

[@sinisatimic2136]

35 years ago I said I will never marry girl who smoke, drink alcohol, have tattoo and piercing on her body. I am now 56, and I have never had a girlfriend. But I am still in hope that someone girl will appreciate my cleanliness.