Unmasking Mindset Hack | Autism 101

In this video I'm sharing a simple hack for managing your unmasking mindset as an autistic adult.
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DISCLAIMER: Taylor Heaton is not a licensed psychologist or specialist healthcare professional. Her services do not replace the care of psychologists or other healthcare professionals. Please note that Taylor can’t take any responsibility for the results of your actions, nor any harm or damage you suffer as a result of the use, or non-use of the information available through her website, KZbin Channel, or social media accounts. Please use judgment and conduct due diligence before taking any action or implementing any plan or practice suggested or recommended by Taylor Heaton or Mom on the Spectrum. Please note that Taylor doesn't make any guarantees about the results of the information you may apply from her website, KZbin channel, and/or social media accounts. Taylor shares educational and informational resources that are intended to help you succeed in navigating life as an autistic adult. You nevertheless need to know that your outcome will be the result of your own efforts, your particular situation, and innumerable other circumstances beyond Taylor's knowledge and control. Taylor is an Amazon affiliate and may receive commissions on qualifying purchases from affiliate links. Taylor is a Flare affiliate and may receive commissions on qualifying purchases from Flare links.
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#actuallyautistic #momonthespectrum #autisticadult

[@TransGuyShane]

I felt so much better after I started imbracing my "freak" , now I don't give a flying f what people think of me. I gave them 29 years of my life , im not giving them the rest ❤️

[@MomontheSpectrum]

YAAAAAS!!!

[@TransGuyShane]

@@MomontheSpectrum I'm gonna be 30 in March and I've been thinking of getting "freak" tattooed on me for years. I want a tattoo for my birthday as like a mile stone kind of thing and I think I may get my freak tattoo finally lol

[@lisathacker5313]

Dang. I gave them 57 years of mine. That makes me sad.

[@TransGuyShane]

@@lisathacker5313 I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you sad ❤️ Just try and think of it as being able to live the rest of your life as your true self and make memories ✨️

[@clairebeane3455]

Same and I am muuuuuch older. It’s been a really long time since I’ve given even a fraction of a f-k what people think, but it did dominate my life for a very long time and the masking was massive. I am still, years later, still learning exactly who I actually am. It got all wibbly wobbly there after so many years of mimicking what I believed was acceptable behavior and mannerisms in society. ❤❤❤

[@chloebunde4455]

I do this with my parents opinions a lot. I think, wait “do I want the life my parents want for me?” And then I think, “no! I would hate that life.” This helps me understand I know what is best for me even if it doesn’t please them.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

yes!! absolutely!!

[@JonBrase]

The problem is that often "I would hate that life" is a masking response (because your peers have taught you to hate that life and you don't want to be an outcast). Your milage may vary.

[@talos935]

Unmasking is scary. It kicks up all the emotional responses. It's work and it's learning all parties need to be prepared for emotional responses.

[@robinblossom5197]

Certainly having flexibility to “mask” or “unmask” is a highly valuable skill. I absolutely agree that it should not be associated with a sense of self worth. If I’m travelling for example it is wise to adjust my behaviour and even expressions to be more acceptable in a foreign culture. It can communicate deep respect and pave the way for more close connections.

[@beth8775]

That's a great comparison

[@chloeindigo]

I feel like having that "flexibility" is itself a form of masking. The fact that we don't change ourselves based on context is an autistic symptom - if we did this intuitively we would be neurotypical. (Obviously, I'm not talking about your reference to travel just without ones own culture)

[@JoeJoeTater]

These lines from Maggie's Farm really stick in my head: I try my very best To be just like I am But everybody wants you To be just like them

[@lizziegreeneyes]

I cannot believe the wealth of information, love and kindness that comes from you - you are such a light for me Taylor, we are so fortunate to have you as a content creator, mentor, teacher & guide. Please keep shining your light.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

🥹 thank you so much for this extremely kind comment. I am honored to do the work that I do.

[@mumushroom286]

I so needed to hear this! I've recently been struggling with how people perceive me and feeling self conscious about unmasking. But why should I care what others think about me and try to change myself to be more like neurotypicals? I will just be myself. The people that accept me for me are the ones that I will spend my time with and not spend time worrying about the people that ridicule me. Thank you so much for this reminder Taylor! ❤

[@MomontheSpectrum]

so glad it was helpful to you!

[@Darci89]

I just took Aspire? Autistic quiz and I received a 99 percent likely Autistic. I’m 52

[@CardinalTreehouse]

Sounds like you could be autistic! While self-diagnosis is accepted by large parts of the community, I encourage you to continue doing research because even if you were to get formally diagnosed, they don't do just one test. If I may recommend some resources to keep looking, the NAS (National Autistic Society) and Embrace Autism are pretty good. Congratulations on starting the journey of learning more about yourself!

[@htmc2022]

Best thing about getting old is realizing just that: “Why do I care what other people think?” Totally freeing! No One, whether family or friends or acquaintances and certainly not strangers have the right to censure you and the way you are or live. Too bad it takes decades of anguish to come to this realization. Although when it came to bullies in school, my mantra was “I don’t care what they think or say” but, I would fight back against bullies who picked on other vulnerable people! ❤

[@codycat6]

i had a psychotic episode this week masking all my emotions. learning how to trust the pain as well as the love is so beautiful ❤️‍🔥 all my friends look so "different" to help me embrace my weird too 🧚‍♀️❤️‍🔥🌟 colourful, chaotic, gothic, and beautiful 🌟🌟🌟

[@Clamjacob]

My motto, written on my wall is « I’m weird! So what? »

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Love this!

[@is2269]

💜 thank you very much for sharing this, everything you share is always so informative, genuine, understandable and relatable... thank you for everything you do for the autistic community 💜

[@MomontheSpectrum]

🙏 i'm so glad to hear it is helpful to you. Thank you for the feedback!

[@claremfrench]

Ah, thanks Taylor! Perfect for today. On the middle of feeling the impact of some big boundary setting today - hard, hard work. A great reminder that I’m a square peg who no longer can -or wants to - fit all those round holes 🖤

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Absolutely!

[@juleslund1515]

I am so grateful that I found your channel and this community. Your words are always filled with so much love I can feel it and you speak with poise and grace. Thank you.

[@isabellammusic]

That is a great advice!

[@sandrahodges8545]

Taylor-best definition of masking I’ve ever heard. Thank you so much for this video. You have helped me move forward in a situation that I’m facing with a family member. ❤

[@chelseawolf777]

I just want to say thank you for your content! It wasn’t until I stumbled upon your channel that I truly begin. “knowing” I might be autistic. I laugh and cry through every one of your videos because I feel way less alone in this world now. I’m in the middle of the diagnostic process, thanks to you, and I feel like I finally understand myself. Thank you so, so much! 💜

[@JM-mj1lb]

Sooo important!!😊

[@ryan8488]

Great tip!

[@autisticrobotdragon17]

Thank you for this reminder! It’s really helpful ☺️

[@bhutjolokia6990]

Such a journey to unmask!! I am finding myself to be way more autistic than I thought and really shows itself under stress. My adhd is my protector if that makes sense. I feel 2 different thought processes. I am introverted but my adhd is extroverted and my autism hates it!!🤭 Very uncomfortable and stim in social situations, I rock back and forth but it's still causes me to need alone time later at work. I will get there eventually, whatever that may be. Thanks for sharing.👍😎👻🌶️

[@ericabyrd815]

That's so good. Thank you for that ❤

[@MomontheSpectrum]

you're welcome

[@kailahm.adefolalu9366]

I literally had this lightbulb moment for the first time just last week! I think it's because we learn to mask during a time where a huge developmental need is to fit in. As we get older, we hopefully learn to care less about fitting as we learn that other people's opinions hold way less power over us than we thought. But we are just conditioned to continue behaving how we did when we were 12 or 16!! Not coincidentally, learning my true self is slowly giving me a sense of freedom (and dare I say mischief?!) that I haven't felt since I was a child! Since before I was conditioned to believe that *my* way was the "wrong" way. 🥹

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Love that you said mischief! 💕 thanks for your comment

[@lyanimoody6554]

Hey Tay 👋🏼 great video as usual 😎💙

[@paulheatherauty-johns4449]

So great what u are doing as I am lately diagnosed autistic as well. This is spot on!! Thought in the past I was the only one. odd and socially inept but I have in the last few months just been me . left my church as I was trying to fit myself into their box. no . so i wont. thank u!

[@chloeindigo]

Because they bully us out of workplaces. And because they respond to fear of the unknown with toxic and manipulative communication strategies like invalidation and gas lighting. And because when we are ourselves in some environments it's hard to remember to switch into neurotypical mode and not just speak the same to everyone regardless of context. I agree with radical unmasking. I have basically chosen poverty over masking. But I would really like it (please, please) if creaters like you and Paige got together and brought questions to the conversation, like "how do we as a community say no more to systemic mistreatment". Because you have more reach and connectivity within the adult community than even researchers do, and we need to be working together on this and defending ourselves from totally accepted maltreatment in multiple domains of life. As we've seen historically, no one is going to do this for us. The only time autistic people are listened to is when there is a critical mass. Can you and other creaters please connect us over that conversation? The status quo is killing us.

[@passaggioalivello]

Neurotypicals are weird. I'm level 2 autistic and proud.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

💪💯

[@ashleykosik4131]

I’m navigating my first corporate job and struggling with communication to coworkers. I feel like I have to learn ‘business speak’ and it feels really unnatural to HAVE to always ask questions. Neurotypicals expect to be asked how is your work going? How was your weekend? Even how are you? I don’t want to answer those questions if you don’t actually care. And I hate having to always ask about and clarify work I’m doing when the rest of my remote team is silently doing who knows what?!

[@badmonkeyking]

Thank You;*)

[@mamadoom9724]

I go back and forth with masking. I really cut back on masking at jobs years ago and strangely I felt even more accepted by people and able to connect with others a little more. I have been masking for so long in my personal life that it’s really hard to stop and I pretty much avoid social interaction as much as possible because it’s so much work and so exhausting. Even with my close family like my sisters and parents, I avoid spending time with them. I can easily type out thoughts- like I am doing now, but I think if I had it my way I’d rarely speak at all 😞 I used to love being autistic but the older I get the more I realize that it’s an actual disability that’s made my life difficult. If everyone else was autistic that would be a different story. It wouldn’t be a problem at all. The whole problem for me lies in trying to keep up with neurotypical expectations and failing consistently.

[@stephaniesummerhill8918]

I just found your channel not too long ago and I absolutely love it! The link to Paiges KZbin channel

[@AwtisticallyMe]

write a book...I'd buy it

[@MomontheSpectrum]

thank you 🙏 that means a lot. I've been thinking about it.

[@themedicdroidx10]

You should you're so articulate!

[@lisabmpls]

I just realized that one of the tiny ways I’ve been unmasking for years is continuing to use odd words in conversation and other communications. I use ‘alas’ and ‘vexing’ A LOT. Many people who don’t know me look at me a little funny when I use them. And yet I continue to do so. 😂 I was really into ‘copacetic’ for a while but it’s fallen by the wayside mostly because of the dissonance in how the word looks vs. how it sounds coming out of my mouth. That second ‘c’ sounding like an ‘s’ doesn’t sit comfortably in my brain. 😂 Yes, I’m weird with words but I dig it! Thanks, Taylor, for another great video!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

copacetic is a great word!

[@stillnotstill]

I'm alone in my house all by myself and masking because I don't know how not to

[@kailahm.adefolalu9366]

It can take a while, I'm still on that journey, too! I started by not overthinking it and just giving myself permission to be. When I veg out, then I notice things that I would normally stop, like rocking or humming. Then I give myself permission to continue. Very strange at first. Then awesome! Now I'm even giving myself permission in public. Be patient with yourself! You're in there 😊

[@stillnotstill]

@@kailahm.adefolalu9366 thank you ❤️

[@izzyhendrix2651]

Love Paige, she's the best

[@user-bp3ez2sj9y]

I’m 40 and I’ve been assessed, but I still have 13 days to wait until I find out the results and I’m terrified that they’ll tell me I’m just messed up and there’s not a reason. That being said, I’m to the point where I do like myself, mentally anyway. Obviously, I think all the things I like are cool and the way I think about things makes sense and is based on what is right or is right to me. I don’t necessarily care if other people like me or agree with me though I don’t understand when they don’t agree(liking me is subjective and they don’t have to do that, so, if they do or not, I don’t have to understand or care and a lot of people think I’m weird, mean, or cold when I’m blunt, informative, still a little weird, and usually literally cold.) I can be very friendly, caring, and funny, but a lot of people don’t see that side since they aren’t around enough. It took a while, but around 35 I finally decided that I’d rather be myself alone than pretend surrounded by people who don’t really know me and therefore can’t really appreciate me, and be drained by faking my whole existence. It’s too much work and I didn’t like who I was pretending to be and then I disconnected from everything and was just me. It’s much easier to keep up with that way and I like myself more, although of course I still mask, I don’t think I do as much and I can tell quite a bit of difference in the amount of interaction between myself and others. I don’t suppose quarantine really helped with that much either though.

[@kensears5099]

I would be very interested in hearing you address something I've heard nobody else even verbalize or examine. I've dubbed it the I'm With Him Syndrome. It's just one of the things that have leaped out of the murky fog into high resolution. After my own ASD discovery last April, the "movie reel" of my life has been replaying on my mind's screen through a radically new lens, isolating, highlighting and clarifying experiences I never had a word, a defining principle, for before. The Aha!'s have just cascaded incessantly and, yes, wonderfully. "So THAT'S what was happening there!" Paradoxically, all these Aha!'s have had the effect of letting myself off the hook when it comes to feelings of guilt, stupidity, interpersonal cluelessness, inappropriate blunders, etc., AND they have also let other people off the hook in my memories and feelings, too. I didn't know, and THEY didn't know. Sure, some people could have tried better with me, but I can't help feeling magnanimous toward their ignorance, since I was just as ignorant of what was really "wrong" with me. And that it wasn't really so "wrong," just seriously different. Anyway, one of the things that has come into sharp focus for me is this "I'm With Him Syndrome." What I mean by that is, I recognized a series of intense friendships along the path of my life (the "best friend ever and forever" kind of intensity) had a LOT , not all but a LOT, to do with the sense of safety these friendships provided me socially. I might not know why else I was in a particular social setting or how else to cope with the mind-jumbling input but...at least..."I'm with him." That was my ticket to feeling part of things yet without having to be totally "me." I could just be "his friend." And that made me both special, welcome, yet wonderfully off center stage. Center stage in an informal group situation is a prospect of horror to me. I can deliver a prepared speech extremely well, seemingly spontaneously, to an audience of hundreds. But a living room packed with twenty or thirty raucously chattering human beings is a miasma of cognitive chaos and panic to me. In such situations, "I'm with him" was my ticket to relative definition and self-awareness, an identity that cut through the noise. I wonder whether others on the spectrum can relate to this "'I'm With Him Syndrome"?

[@rachelwong3474]

❤️

[@chamcham5561]

Hi Taylor, I've only recently begun watching your videos and they are so interesting. Thank you for them. I'm not sure if you've already covered this in another video but I was wondering if there is a connection that has been identified between handedness and autism (or ADHD)??

[@mickietqb]

I enjoy and appreciate all your work and videos, but what is the hack? Did I miss it?

[@kailahm.adefolalu9366]

It was subtle and it's moreso a mindset shift than a hack. It's basically re-evaluating why we want to present more like neurotypical people. (Of course there are material benefits), but in situations where those aren't at stake, it can be freeing to realize I don't actually desire to present like my sister or my cousin.

[@KellyCDB]

Yeah, it’s not really a hack. Just “why do I care what NTs think?” Not very helpful for me I’m afraid. There are so many reasons we mask beyond simply “caring what people think.” In many cases it’s literally for safety, to avoid losing a job, being expelled from school, being arrested or institutionalized, etc etc.

[@patrickd2426]

Yay Paige is awesome lolz

[@WifeofFearless]

The fact that you said that they are the ones whose patterns and ways of doing things don't make sense. I've never felt so seen.

[@IllyDragonfly]

One very superficial way I have to express how autistic I am is through my appearance: goth outfits and makeup, vintage cottage core dresses, sassy graphic t-shirts... I keep hearing those words 'office appropriate' or 'would you wear THAT in church/meeting your beloved's parents/grabbing groceries???' and I look often puzzled. Yesterday I had a girl noticing my grungy green lipstick (matching a goblicore cute dress) saying that it takes courage to wear green and weird lipsticks outside Instagram I looked surprised 'it's just makeup, it washes off. If somebody complains about your weird lipstick say that it washes off at the end of the day, while their face?... Eeeh, only with a milling machine!' XD People take themselves so damn seriously, we are all mildly evoluted monkeys who are wearing stuff on their bare bodies to not die too easily and colored dirt to intimidate or draw the attention of a potential partner, why not have some fun since we are at? XD

[@beth8775]

I struggle to unmask, because heavy masking was an unspoken survival skill from the start for me. On the other side, my AuDHD stepson, has really never learned how to mask at all, and it is having an impact on his ability to get a job. Ideally, society would be more accepting, but how do we navigate and balance what is reality right now?

[@lexarey9479]

Hi I know this has nothing to do with the video.. but I just wanted to ask a question. My nephew was diagnosed with autism at age 5.. and with all the research done on him.. i feel like I might have an answer for my own struggles. I've been suspecting myself of being on the spectrum since then, but I'm afraid of going to see my Dr for testing as I'm scared a diagnosis might affect my career etc. The thing I struggle with most is repetitive thoughts. Random sentences that "trapped " in My mind like I have no control over them. It would play on a loop over and over again and I cannot stop it regardless of how I try. I often say the sentence out loud ansld then say OK I get it.. this apple is green or what ever the sentence is that was stuck on a loop. It's really frustrating and makes me angry because I feel like I can't control my brain or thoughts. I've always had sensory issues and problems reading social cues and social anxiety. I have an adhd , GAD and ocd diagnosis.. I was just wondering whether anyone else has this problem? Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind. My dr feels this might be connected to one of my other special abilities (aka diagnoses) but I've always felt like there might be something else going on. Any advice would be welcome❤

[@kailahm.adefolalu9366]

I hope you get the advice and clarity you're seeking! I don't personally relate to that piece, but I hope others chime in!

[@lexarey9479]

@@kailahm.adefolalu9366 ❤️‍🩹

[@troywhelply6742]

I think I recall you mentioning scholarships for the Unstuckify Your Life program. I'm very interested and in need of some unstuckification. However, I recall neither the contact information you provided, nor the title of the video. Reach out, if you please, or don't. Regardless, I'd love to have a conversation some time. Don't make me come at you with misappropriated and poorly understood idiomatic expressions!

[@maxkopfraum]

The link to Paige's channel is broken.

[@KNRK379]

Your link to Paige's channel is broken

[@lukewalker1051]

Taylor I give you the benefit of the doubt you want to make a difference and improve the lives of autistic people. Word up to fellow autistics. EVERYBODY in society masks, not just autistic people. Be very careful about following anybody's formula about 'unmasking' or any recipe toward a so-called universal roadmap to a normal life even though you will likely never meet a normal or neurotypical person as they occur rarely in nature if such a person could even be defined. Embrace who you and. Its ok to mask because everybody must even if you feel compelled to talk loudly in church. Society norms pretty much mandate masking for everybody and not just autistic people. If you struggle with your mental health, seek 'professional' help and not some autistic version of a Tony Robbins self-help seminar promoted here. People are all over the spectrum even within a neurotypical universe of people and why sweeping remedies for individual behavior don't work. PS. lastly , your best foot forward is read all the psychology books you can to learn more about 'human mental health'. You will learn that all humans struggle on some level. It is the human condition. If high functioning, autism is even a superpower as many of the greatest men and presumably women have been on the spectrum and somehow they achieved extraordinary success without some silly one size fits all recipe for unmasking.

[@tinaperez7393]

This video doesn't help me understand how "masking" in autistic people is any different than people pleasing and codependent behaviors in neurotypical people.

[@johnrainsman6650]

My wife and I argue about what's best for our autistic son who was just diagnosed. I insist we need not pay attention to his _normal_ condition or go to resources. He's fine the way he is. Like left-handers, for instance.

[@stillnotstill]

I'm confused by your wording, do you mean you do not think resources for him are necessary?

[@johnrainsman6650]

@@stillnotstillThat is correct. There is no need to help him at all. He is just as normal as a left-hander. We do not need to give special attention to autistic people. And until someone gives me evidence otherwise or a rebuttal, that is my insistence.

[@stillnotstill]

@@johnrainsman6650 Left handed people are just as acceptable as right handed people but there's a reason that there are right and left handed desks and scissors Put a left handed kid in a right handed desk and their arm isn't supported and they're not paying attention in school or working up to their potential because they're dealing with problems they don't have to deal with

[@stillnotstill]

See also, equality vs equity

[@jeweledsnail]

As a left-handed person, I'd like some more support, please. Yes, I can manage but it's harder and more stressful to move through a world that's designed for the convenience of the majority when you're in the minority.

[@jillthetree9173]

thank you so much for this video and resources. I needed to hear this. ❤‍🩹

[@MomontheSpectrum]

you're welcome

[@TransGuyShane]

I felt so much better after I started imbracing my "freak" , now I don't give a flying f what people think of me. I gave them 29 years of my life , im not giving them the rest ❤️

[@sto3359]

Similar to my own sentiments.