We don't Kill Humans | HFY | A short Sci-Fi Story

[@justinsparks6976]

The best non-fiction part of that story is that we're still referring to Australia as a death trap in the far future 😂

[@SH-qs7ee]

As an Australian, I 100% agree

[@mr.e3247]

LMAO I was thinking the same thing!!

[@OKOKOKOKOKOKOK-zn2fy]

Redback Spiders and Box Jellies. It's like Australia makes little things just to kill you.

[@LordMondegrene]

Even TINY Australian animals can be lethal, Bullet Ants got their name because their bite feels like you've been shot. The beautiful little Blue-Ringed Octopi, Red Belly Spiders, stingrays all can kill. Even their cuddly, furry, ridiculous-looking platypus has poison spurs that cause necrotic wounds that never heal. Their blandly named Brown Snake is one of the most deadly in the world, but they have a dozen more that can kill you just as dead. Their plants, like the Gympie gympie, cause such intense agony, victims long for death. Eat a berry that is the wrong color, you get the Stomach Rot. If it isn't poisonous, or venomous, it may have huge claws to kick out your guts, like the emu, or enormous teeth, like their saltwater crocodiles. Some are 20 feet long, with bullet proof armor. And if those don't keep you out of the water, there are Great White Sharks, just as long, and indiscriminate. They have been caught and gutted, and found to be full of half-digested dogs, sheet metal, and of course, human body parts. They are notorious for taking big bites out of fiberglass surfboards, boats, and floats. Sure, see Australia... just don't touch anything, or let anything touch you. 17:43

[@VooXoo]

..."we?" FOUND A ALIEN! JUMP HIM!!!

[@jackelegman2101]

"Most potent weapon the humans had to offer....... Lawyers." That got me 😂

[@JoseTorres-dl3kh]

Me too I laughed out loud big time😂😂😂😂😂

[@andrewmcconnell-ns1lk]

I pmsl funniest line ever

[@mortblackthorn187]

If you see a human, run. If you see a human lawyer, run faster.

[@bch5513]

Read this JUST as it was spoken. It is so accurate.. 😂

[@mckenzie.latham91]

Alien species prefer human neutron bombs compared to the elite legal soldierate

[@HawkGTboy]

I love the idea of Earth being a high gravity world and humans being super strong relative to everyone else.

[@geradkavanagh8240]

Even when evidence so far has earth type planets being having gravity far stronger than our own and many planets tidally locked in their own star systems. Was a bit far-fetched given reality.

[@grimmlight4541]

Ditto fantastic concept. Love a game on this. Its like a xeno filled version of the TV series The Expanse.

[@HawkGTboy]

@@geradkavanagh8240 Maybe, maybe not. The super-earths are all we can currently detect, so that’s all we’re seeing. We can’t (yet) detect rocky planets that are Earth sized.

[@scorchogrey2385]

Yeah I mean life on moons is probably not any more uncommon than it is on rocky planets, which we currently can’t even detect all that well at all. We could have high gravity compared to many other intelligent species in the galaxy. In fact if gravity gets too high the odds of them becoming space faring decreases. It’s nice to see humans portrayed as the physically stronger species for a change.

[@Ristaak]

@@geradkavanagh8240 Any civilization capable of becoming spacefaring probably has to come from a low gravity planet. Our planet's gravity already makes space fairing almost impossible, even if we do figure out FTL.

[@canolathra6865]

"false distress signals, EMP mines in debris fields" dammit, who let the Canadians have a spaceship?

[@cmhughes8057]

true, everyone underestimates the Canadians, until they mess around and find out.

[@kuroanimates]

@@cmhughes8057 To be fair, Canada is the reason for at least half of the Geneva convention.

[@pheonixblue01]

@@cmhughes8057I think you mean “mess aboot, find oot” for our psychotic hat.

[@pheonixblue01]

@@kuroanimatesGeneva suggestions or the Geneva checklist?

[@Yosh087]

@@kuroanimates half? you mean 2/3 of it. we have not yet been given the chance to update it with new suggestions

[@MagnanimousEntropy]

Humanities most deadly weapon - 'the lawyers'. Those poor alien sods never stood a chance.

[@bozhijak]

Dewey, Cheatem & Howl.

[@MagnanimousEntropy]

@@bozhijak The stuff of nightmares.

[@wrathshorts2894]

Now I just feel bad.

[@redclayscholar620]

Dear God! Now THAT is truly a Grim Dark future.

[@paulholmpileborg6340]

I had a good job as emperor until the rebels accused me of warcrimes. I Better Call Saul Hi, I am Saul Goodman. Did you know that you have rights? Intergalactic Laws says you do, and so do I

[@redclayscholar620]

"The Delpan made the mistake of killing one of the human's little pet beasts." "That's all? Just a stupid little pet?" "That pet belonged to a human named Jon Wik."

[@vladimirko6171]

~Pencil clicking intensifies~

[@Temuldjin]

I would watch the hell out of that movie! :D

[@cpuuk]

LMAO

[@mr.e3247]

OH man you win!! HAHAHAHA

[@JordoValentino]

"Oh" -Alien

[@Blindluck92]

Killing humans makes you an enemy that never forgive or forgets. Punching one? Meh, you might get a new friend. Yeah, that's us.

[@ephemispriest8069]

About sums it up.

[@WarbirdPhoenix]

That's how many of my friendships started.👊🙂

[@corpsehandler5321]

ftwdk, that trope is called "humans are space orcs"

[@TidalWavesLion]

It makes it even more fitting with the N7 profile pic. If shepard can headbutt a Krogan or earn their respect, and if the Turians can recognize that we seem primitive but formidable, then that checks out.

[@seantaggart7382]

​@@WarbirdPhoenixindeed Friendship isnt just started by kindness, loyalty, generosity and all the rest Its started with a PUNCH

[@Volvith]

Yes, you've heard of _'No man left behind',_ but have you heard of _'No threat left alive'?_ We might not be all-powerful, we might not be immortal, hell, we're not even all that intelligent on the galactic common scale... But goddamnit we're as spiteful as they come. We evolved to walk other creatures to death by exhaustion. _Don't make this a contest of who has the longest breath._

[@derpypotato677]

Damn that goes hard.

[@brandenmarcum430]

EXACTLY. An animal we decide to walk to death will have no choice but to either die from exhaustion, or lay down and accept death.

[@kristenthacker5762]

we might not be the strongest, or the smartest, but man we sure are the stubbornest!

[@RitualStench]

Damn, pursuit-hunters, you scary!

[@kaiserofkush]

aliens attempt invasion? great book of grudges it is.

[@darthalghul6338]

"Once there was human named Chuck Norris, he threw an incinerator grenade and killed 100 black hand assassins, and THEN the grenade went off"

[@youraverageguy8431]

Witty

[@rancidmarmot1994]

LMAO😂😂

[@Dr_Doctor_Lee]

creative

[@jazzk4072]

Incendiary

[@ictpilot]

This should start a whole nother line of Chuck Norris jokes! 😂

[@corpsehandler5321]

evil galactic empire: "I have an army 😈" humans: "we have spite 😐"

[@Grumpy_old_Boot]

Humans : "We have lawyers!"

[@KireaPhillips_superj0ka]

Humans: “And Australia!”

[@nct948]

​@Grumpy_old_Boot and we're not afraid to use them

[@Longstocks]

"and... The most important thing we have is..... Adrenaline" *[insert Radiohead music]*

[@henryward4783]

We have Australian lawyers, addicted on meth and the goddammit emu is the judge. Why, you ask, they declared war on the emus, and the emus won.

[@2centschange]

What I like about this story is that there are actually shreds of real human history reflected here, making the whole thing not implausible.

[@jamesbrice3267]

America found out the hard way when it cut off Japan's oil supply.

[@LeviRHogan]

Basically happened to the Carthagenians

[@jakubw.2779]

Yeah, wwii resistance groups across europe vibes were strong. I particulary see strong polish resistance reference here (as i am a pole, duh) culminating with warsaw uprising.

[@mycroft16]

Oh this is legit what humanity would do. The movie Captive State is very similar. (Highly recommend).

[@DrCruel]

Sounds like what happened to the Aztecs.

[@TheAtlarchy]

I love how the best way to deal with a human is to either insult them, or explain that you were offended xD

[@cesrez1316]

Humans love a good bar fight or insults being thrown around. 😂

[@ladyofthemasque]

Humans are pursuit predators. Not the fastest predators out there, but we have incredible stamina & determination.

[@septimus7524]

The Human Spirit truly is Indomitable

[@stankyxdanky4414]

And we got thumbs that helps a lot

[@mycroft16]

We are also more than a little crazy. How many of our inventions started out as, "I wonder what happens if I plug them in the opposite way?" And then the lab disappears. That crazy is what leads us to charge headlong and screaming into a battle we should have no chance at winning.

[@vfaulkon]

Imagine seeing a human coming close to you with a weapon in its hands. So you run. You run, and run, and run, and it pursues you, so you keep running. Eventually, you get tired, so you slow down a bit... but it's still there. And it still has a weapon. And it's still coming after you. So you keep running, ignoring the pain in your muscles and the aching in your lungs as you gasp for air. After a while, you just collapse. Maybe you trip, maybe your legs just give out, but you know you can't possibly move any more. You pray you're safe, you look around...and there it is, still coming after you. Worst of all, you get a better look at it. You see it's wearing what used to be your brother. And that was thousands of years ago. Now we have camo, guns, and explosives.

[@snakeplissken1933]

And we hunt in packs.

[@cassandrabelyeu2419]

Humanity: “And what will you be doing?” The Black Hand: “I’ll be in my bedroom, making no noise, and pretending I don’t exist.”

[@TerrapinTales]

😂🤣💀

[@RitualStench]

Holy shit LMFAO

[@flitsertheo]

Check under the bed first. A human may be hiding there. If not, hide under the bed yourself.

[@CyrusViers]

correct

[@SovietReunionYT]

If my memory serves me that's a quote from Harry Potter, when the Dursleys are about to have guests.

[@Volvith]

France being a rioting hellhole well after alien imperial conquest is hilarious. _And accurate._

[@lcsa60]

Well 🧐🤨😅 it’s in the DNA 😏

[@jane2902]

Vive la révolution!

[@fox_trot0214]

1000% accurate XD

[@american_jackal5956]

I love when the humans are the scary ones in a sci-fi story.

[@aerbon]

humans are space orcs

[@sneezyfido]

It'd get interesting in B5 if human cores in Shadow vessels were to fight off the control systems. Better not use enemies as computers.

[@american_jackal5956]

@@sneezyfido Sorry, dawg, I am *completely* lost.

[@sneezyfido]

@@american_jackal5956 Babylon 5 was a sf show of the past century. It looks dated now, but it was really good on storyline. One side in the overarching conflict had technology that used sentient beings (with a specific characteristic) as computer core. Those ships were easily the most overpowering force for a long time. They stole humans with that characteristic, put them in the ships, had them use their knowledge of human military to crush human tactics. The poor sods were crazed by the control systems. The push to liberate these people was one of the emotional highlights in the story. Anyway, if those humans had fought free of the control systems, their captors would find themselves facing an overwhelming force of their own making.

[@american_jackal5956]

@@sneezyfido That sounds pretty dope. I'll have to give it a look.

[@ladyofthemasque]

...The one part of the story I found unbelievable was dismantling half the fleet. If they were at all functional, those things would be turned into cargo freighters and passenger cruise ships.

[@mardus_ee]

The ships ought to have maintained their armaments, and then done cargo and transport anyway.

[@eleklovatka7666]

Maybe that's what "dismantling" meant in that context... that the ships have been gutted (of weapons) and sold, then retrofitted as cargo vessels for private companies like MSLE (Musk Space Logistic Enterprises). It's cheaper to buy a car, than start your own car manufacturing company and build every part of it from scratch, so I too would think, that they were not dismantled into parts, but made it available for civilian use. I don't know, if that's how the author thought as well, but I'll just assume that this was meant by it.

[@jlvfr]

or sold of...

[@FullchanAnon]

Take note it's the alien that's saying dismantling. Their meaning might be different from Dirt's 😂

[@Swindle1984]

"No no, this isn't a warship, it's a cargo vessel." "Your cargo vessel is 90,000 tons of armor, engines, and weaponry, and 10,000 tons of cargo." "Well, you know, pirates and all." *sips coffee*

[@redjowelbluetongue7689]

"If the lawyers get you, youl be lucky if your executed by your own species as an apology" lol that got me

[@tounbak9269]

😅

[@commandercritic9036]

And THIS ladies and gentleman, is why the aliens DON’T visit “Dirt”

[@MrOhai-bu9li]

Proud Citizen of 'Dirt' o7

[@ireallyreallyhategoogle]

Aliens did visit, but they soon realized the danger humans pose and warned all the others. Better to let humans destroy themselves than to unleash that plague upon everyone.

[@michaeldmingo1525]

Mud

[@julboir]

gravel !

[@michaeldmingo1525]

Rock

[@enginepy]

Good story. The most fictional part is that our leaders would still lead and organize a resistance. Our politicians would sell us out in a heartbeat. They already are. We are an amazing species, but run by the worst of us

[@stevenredpath9332]

True but, hopefully, by then politicians might have learned that they best stick with us and organise the resistance. Worked for Colonel De Gaulle.

[@inscrutababble1932]

Honestly, I wonder if the invaders could even tell humans apart from one another. It's likely the hidden leaders were never politicians. More than likely the patsies that surrendered were. 😁

[@JasonWickham-k2z]

I would say we are an awful species, ruled by even more awful members of that species. I am a noted misanthrope, however, so you may contemplate this with the proverbial grain of salt. P.S. Good story.

[@Kokuyous3ki]

It never said those leading the resistance and those leading the countries before the invasion are the same :) I mean John wasn't a world leader but he did lead the resistance after Skynet took over, yes? :)

[@RCC1553]

Wouldn't the resistance leaders mostly be made up of former generals and other military personnel seeing as they were fighting a total war for survival. Also if a good chunk of the population was wiped out that would mean the surviving leaders definitely had loved ones who were also killed, they all probably had personal vendettas that they wanted to carry out.

[@wyattspitz615]

While the Delpan partied, the humans studied the sword

[@neelp8064]

Precisely

[@JM7284]

I just watched Rebel Moon which cost 166 million...then there was the 600 million combined cost of the final Star Wars trilogy movies...and this short story was 100 times better and would make a fantastic space opera trilogy. I enjoy writing myself and this style of story is my personal favorite. Well done with this future "history" of humanity.

[@krazywolve]

I'm properly chuffed to be favorably compared to Star Wars, thank you.

[@pogo1140]

the original Star War movie production budget in 1977 is worth 54,981,850.58 in 2023 dollars, in total the original trilogy cost 296,977,760 in 2023 dollars

[@JM7284]

@@pogo1140 Huh? The "final trilogy" if you read closely. I said nothing about the original. And I was wrong. The final trilogy cost about 1.2-1.3 BILLION ($1,200,000,000 etc.) to produce whereas I thought it cost half that to produce that dumpster fire.

[@Power5]

This is a very similar story as Star Wars and Rebel Moon. Biggest difference is the Empire is Alien and not humanoid. Though no idea what a Delpan looks like. May be a humanoid like the green guy in the image or they may look more like the xenomorph inspired assassin. Either way a few overthrow the many to right the wrongs. This was a well written story but the plot has been done many times before.

[@lelanderickson1045]

Ever read any of the works of Joseph Campbell?@@Power5

[@MrDerger12]

words from an alien: Humans are not particularly good at anything, but they are good enough at everything.

[@RitualStench]

Jack of all trades, master of none 🫡

[@EVH596]

@@RitualStench Who is often better than the master of one :)

[@Alche_mist]

There is one thing humans are particularly good, and that is resilience. Single specimen "toughing out" huge amounts of bodily trauma as well as brain blasts. And the species as a whole, doing the same on a much greater scale, as evidenced in the story. They are _persistence_ predators, and persisting is what they do.

[@rclowclan]

@@RitualStench "But often better than a master of one."

[@RamonInNZ]

"Deathtrap called Australia" hahahaha go my Aussie brothers!

[@Ocker3]

Australian soldiers always know that they can rely on their Kiwi brethren.

[@JoeySmith-ob4dq]

I can't stop laughing every time I hear it 🤣

[@baldieman64]

The river is filled with large amphibious lifeforms. I wonder if they're friendly.

[@01taran]

"If I had to conquer hell, I'd use Australians to take it and New Zealanders to hold it" Irwin Rommel.

[@AFancyApe]

​@@baldieman64 of course the water animals with large mouths full of sharp teeth, and covered in scales sometimes made of bone are friendly, they have sideways facing eyes, clearly to watch out for predators as they feed on water plants, and totally not to look for more victims to drown in the water

[@krisandersen8695]

Lawyers. The most feared (and cruel) force in the Universe!

[@danfallsfriend]

But you have to love how the webcomic Schlock Mercenary handles lawyers. It's a way through the story arc but worth it IMHO.

[@sigma2.093]

Clearly you haven't had the misfortune of facing the dreaded insurance salesmen 😂

[@neelp8064]

​@@danfallsfriendYes that schlock mercenary webcomic is epic and hilarious

[@gent_Carolina]

Grammar lawyer says: *cruelest 😁

[@Unicorn161]

They didn't really piss us off or the world would have convinced the US to unleash it's federal tax collectors (IRS agents).

[@loganmiles7836]

Good short story. Honestly, the worst thing aliens could do would be to invade us. It’s probably the only thing that would ever unite us enough to stop killing each other. And once all that aggression is pointed outward… whatever gods you believe in help you, because its never a war crime the first time, and we got a bunch of shiny new toys we just “strategically transferred”.

[@septimus7524]

Honestly probably not EVERYONE would unite. Most of us sure, but I can definitely see something happening much like the Crusades. As in: Bulk of Crusader states go to war together... ..smaller states stay behind and pillage their under-defended neighbors. I can definitely see some people's viewing Alien Invasion as an opportunity to increase their own power and position against their competitors.

[@projectdeveloper9311]

Ah yes, the three most powerful points to make during a war: 1) It's never a warcrime the first time 2) The Geneva convention is more like a suggestion 3) To Strategically Transfer Equipment to an Alternate Location (S.T.E.A.L)

[@nullpoint3346]

@@septimus7524 Doesn't help if the returning force is even more powerful than when it left, as rare as it is.

[@becoolthisisarobbery]

any alien that is advanced enough to travel to us would have 1000000000000x more advanced toys then we do.

[@projectdeveloper9311]

@@becoolthisisarobbery Yeah, the only chance we could hope to have is if two things happen: 1)Tthey want to take the planet more or less intact 2) They suck A LOT at warfare

[@TH-rj4ds]

Welcome to the jungle. We got fun and games.

[@jerometruitt2731]

FUCK YEAH!

[@burningsnow9870]

As Filthy Frank would say "Welcome to the rice fields motherfucka!"

[@r.k2866]

do you mean the Vietnak games from the 1955-1975? then yes you are rigth Or did you meant the Amazonian tribes.

[@keithlukens4400]

Its the first 2 verses to a rock song. Its a refference, essentially.​ @r.k2866

[@andrewmalinowski6673]

Best lyrics of "Welcome to the Jungle" for this scenario

[@Naymy]

You had me at "Death trap that is Australia"

[@bozhijak]

Even the butterflies are predators.

[@Ocker3]

We're proud of how dangerous our smallest wildlife are 😜

[@SH-qs7ee]

*In an Aussie accent* "Unleash the spiders!"

[@SpectroliteDS2400]

As an Aussie, I approve.

[@Charlie94781]

@@bozhijak Australian butterflies have poison dust they use against predators

[@scifistories1977]

"i think they call it Dirt" 🤣🤣🤣

[@dawn8549]

This had me in stitches, subtle, but had me dying 😂

[@serpentinious7745]

Everyone calls their planet "dirt". It would take an unrealistic amount of cosmic awareness for a species to understand that the ground under their feet is just one of countless planets before they get around to naming it.

[@ThePolish_Crusader]

IT’S CALLED SOIL

[@itsallspent]

@@ThePolish_Crusader with some manure

[@feuerling]

​@@serpentinious7745some of them may be called "Floor" or "Down" or "Land" or "World"

[@Gleb08]

Sounds a lot like xcom, but on a much larger scale. I felt the "and they immediately sent it to their scientists to study" classic human behavior. I wouldn't be surprised if the person who made this story played any of the xcom games, especially xcom 2, which literally follows the same plot.

[@KeithElliott-zd8cx]

tbf, it's not exactly that unexpected a move, to get alien tech and go 'okay, let's figure out how it works'. it's not like xcom is the only source of that sort of move...

[@Gleb08]

@@KeithElliott-zd8cx never said it was "unexpected" but I get your point about xcom not being the only source. You know that feeling when you recognize something you know well from one place in another? It was simply just that, the only reason I left that comment.

[@KeithElliott-zd8cx]

@@Gleb08 yeah, i know man, no biggie. but the 'unexpected' part is more about, it's not like it's a strange move that is 'from' something. that's THE move. that's why it's in xcom. sort of, cart before the horse.

[@aoki6332]

that because that the first thing we do in war all over human history when a new weapon is made the first thing to do is to get your hand on it and try to reverse engineering it

[@Gleb08]

@@aoki6332 great point

[@zacharynewcomb6382]

I love the swap from "humans are weak, and the friends we make and our adaptability make us great" to "adreneline fueled rage monsters who wont just kill to save their own lives, but kill to avenge those that are already dead."

[@wither5673]

Aliens asking humans why we fight each other so much: the Humans response: *PRACTICE*

[@leadingauctions8440]

This story was excellently written.

[@procerusgigas]

The story is such bullshit, so full of holes, made by AI that still has a long way to go. .

[@krazywolve]

Thank you kindly.

[@leadingauctions8440]

​@@krazywolve Keep it up.

[@Danheron2]

I would’ve loved for the rebellion to be a lot more grinding and brutal, some dune type jihad shit lol but it was hella good

[@Dekatelon]

It's okay, but lot's of inconsistencies. E.g. the customer not knowing human galactic history would be as if he wouldn't know about the second world war and that the Allies won it.

[@otokosagartlin]

Lawyers being our worst weapon literally made me spit coffee

[@theeradicator110]

I laughed so fricking hard when i heard "Then the Humans unleashed the most vicius weapon in their arsenal- Lawyers"

[@cortexreaver9484]

Yes, humans can accomplish amazing things when they don't let idiots divide them.

[@nickshevlin4063]

Or rule them as well.

[@neelp8064]

True. Humanity potential is infinite

[@ragnar97]

I actually never thought how terrifying an attack dog must be for a species that comes from a planet with half or a third of Erath's gravity. It'd be like a child fighting a direwolf lol

[@BlueJay-ip5yk]

9:30 had me rolling XD, the point Australia is still a death trap for aliens says it all

[@iknklst]

"And this is a thing no one will talk about, it's an example of how insane the race of humans can be. One of the species native to the planet for some horrific reason humans keep as companions, are furry little quadrupeds with a tail and big, cunningly intelligent eyes." "Doesn't sound so bad." "You would just be another fool who thought the same thing, only to his huge regret. These animals ingratiate themselves to the unsuspecting, making one drop their guard, thinking what a harmless little ball of fur. And in that instant it the malignant little monster turns into a screeching buzzsaw of razor-sharp flashing claws and needle sharp teeth, and the extremity you put forth to touch it is now nothing but shredded flesh leaking bodily fluids. And when they are done maiming you, you can't get your blaster out quick enough to hit one, they move like the wind." "What are these terrors called?" "Humans call them...." " What? What do they call them?" Eye starts twitching, he shudders and quickly downs his drink. "Kitties."

[@letsgobrandon987]

This was better than 90% of the Sci Fi entertainment we’ve been fed over the last 10 years on TV. No Mary Sues either which was refreshing.

[@Rygoat]

"Let me tell you something about Hew-mons, Nephew. They're a wonderful, friendly people, as long as their bellies are full and their holosuites are working. But take away their creature comforts, deprive them of food, sleep, sonic showers, put their lives in jeopardy over an extended period of time and those same friendly, intelligent, wonderful people... will become as nasty and as violent as the most bloodthirsty Klingon. You don't believe me? Look at those faces. Look in their eyes."

[@ewil1337]

Quark was wise beyond even a Ferengis nature.

[@leonardbrookes6936]

The siege of AR558. Quark really was extremely smart with this observation.

[@andrewmalinowski6673]

​@@leonardbrookes6936This is the same Ferengi who described "root beer" as being akin to humanity and the Federation; "It's so bubbly and cloying, it draws you in"

[@SovietReunionYT]

​@@andrewmalinowski6673 Before you realize you've actually started to like it. It's insidious.

[@ede7722]

These stories never fail to entertain. Always different but along some similar lines, love listening to them.

[@theodoresherman5707]

"Spartans, what is your profession?!" "War! War! War!"

[@ram2791]

Gordon R Dickson wrote a short story years ago. Danger: Human DO NOT TOUCH! it speaks to the danger of patience and determination.

[@Elderly-Marian-in-UK]

I love this story...the alien calling our planet "dirt" made me chuckle. Very clever script. Well done. I've listened to this story numerous times. I love it. Xx

[@johnmcconnell7052]

What I find funny is in the mass effect series they pretty much have all the alien species look at humans as roaches to a degree like theyre good at fighting they just lack experience because theyre human. Meanwhile they fear the krogan and the krogan would basically be humanity in extremes such as the spartans.

[@ElNeroDiablo]

Breed fast, Live quick, Die in a blaze of glory, Reshape galactic civilisation with each body and brain thrown at a problem. Sure we might have a lifespan of "only" 100 years compared to Asari with their 1000 year lifespan; but only 1/5th of that is growing to an age appropriate to start a new generation and a single male/female pair can pump out a new child roughly every 9 months on average (not accounting for twins and such, or accounting for multi-spousal arrangements) for about 20-30 years after reaching age of majority.

[@RavenCloak13]

Not to mention that funny enough, humans and Krogans get along pretty well. Or in at least the Krogan characters are all fan favorites and honestly if they were a real species, humanity would probably be allied with them.

[@johnmcconnell7052]

Well in reality most would consider the Krogan to be to brutal and Krogan would probably hate most of humanity due to how we would be considered weak in their eyes keep in mind they are evolution survival of fittest type of species.@@RavenCloak13

[@ThePamastymui]

@@johnmcconnell7052 Krogan has a meeting in the colony. While walking there Krogan can feel their fear while walking past them. Krogan arrived to the point too early. He sees two children playing on the bench. Krogan is interested, Krogan approaches. Suddenly Krogan hears silence. Krogan looks around - everybody in the area is focused on him. Krogan steps back and turns around. Krogan meets his contact and everything goes back to normal. Krogan felt fear and humility, and was never the same...

[@johnmcconnell7052]

@@ThePamastymui would also depend if he was around a peaceful society or a society of religion. Peaceful society would be mixed culture religious society would have its warriors out in the open if it was religious he'd encounter warriors pretty close to him

[@scormern]

I'm surprised human empathy wasn't brought up. I imagine humans after freeing slaves were also helping them reunite with their families and loved ones. Such acts of kindness and compassion often results in more allies and stronger bonds. I can picture a scenario were two slaves, a man and an alien male, form a friendship over their desire to see their families again. The alien constantly thinks about his son and when the rebellion reaches that planet, the human promises to reunite the alien with his son. After driving the Delpans from the planet the man fulfills his promise and reunites the two. Coincidentally the alien was also the leader of his people and promises the man the he and his people will stand with humanity until the very end.

[@jameslilly3750]

Or die in a attempt to protect said alien

[@seantaggart7382]

Indeed Empathy is a _Element of Friendship_ And no ITS NOT A *FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC* SORT OF CLICHÉ! its real! And its powerful

[@CunningDeath]

I think that the logic there is that it is an assassin that is telling the story, he doesn't value empathy so they are less willing to credit a species for having it. The closest , that the alien assassin gets to giving humans "Empathy" as a virtue, was “they are fair” and didn't wipe out his guild.

[@leroyjenkinz3296]

I'm somewhat blown away at Not only The story's structure and viewpoint on humans, but The way it made me feel. When I started it, I was just paying attention and listening as One does, But I soon started to realize I started feeling weird or funny with the way they were explaining humans and about how he you say not to go and attack them, and that's a bad idea. At first I started as a small smile and continue to be looking up at the screen. Then by the time he finished the statement on dropping a neutron bomb and leaving the galaxy my knees were too weak and i honestly think I blushed! I haven't read too many stories and my list of reads aint special or concrete but This is the first story that respectfully pushed me into taking some time acknowledge our strenths and what makes us human, be it good or bad. Also lets not forget another species decimated by our FAFO CARD 😂😂

[@SH-qs7ee]

Never forget humanity is the ultimate victor of a billion year war of survival on a planet that often seems to be actively trying to kill us.

[@septimus7524]

​@@SH-qs7ee And we should take Great Pride in. Our species has overcome ALLOT of sometimes actual *shit* being thrown at us. We shouldn't be so quick to dismiss our species as anything merely evil or bad just because we do shit that, frankly, any other sapient, advanced species would also do anyways.

[@tjk3430]

​@@SH-qs7eefor now. Dinosaurs were on top at one point also. We have done great things, we're capable of even greater deeds but too entrenched in our societal structures that keep us wasting time & resources on war.

[@glenngriffon8032]

"Hi! We're humanity. We're insane. We consume poison for fun and enjoyment. We took wild, dangerous predators and made them into our best friends. We altered almost every plant and animal that we came across on the genetic level without even understanding what genes or DNA was because well, we were bored. We connected our entire species in a global network of communication just so we can smack talk someone on the other side of the planet. We learned to harness the atomic power of the universe just to win a fight. We built machines that can speed along the ground faster than the speed of sound because we got bored again... piss us off and see what we build next. And don't worry, we probably won't wipe you out, heck we'll probably send you food but before we do we're gonna make you regret ever crossing us. Cause we're a planet of psychopaths."

[@jerometruitt2731]

That weird funny feeling you felt....that's called pride 😂😂😂

[@PabloCruise9398]

These stories about how dangerous humans are, are the best. 😃 The stories about cats are good too.👍

[@mk6315]

Both are chaotic creatures and very noisy

[@fredbaumann3360]

@@mk6315 And both are overlooked, insulted or taken for granted at your own, often considerable risk! 🦁🐱🐯

[@chrislaf89]

This one though....involved "lawyers". The most blood thirsty of all human warriors, unmatched in their battlefield of choice!

[@nutricook1]

Yes. Warrior Cats.

[@jamesbrice3267]

The moment cats develop opposable thumbs, we're doomed.

[@contrafax]

I like this one, good addition to "Humans as Orcs" Genre.

[@JoaoSoares-rs6ec]

One needs to remember that what humans did was a simple page from human history in how to deal in such situations.

[@SpectroliteDS2400]

Classic Guerrilla warfare tactics, works like a charm.

[@JoaoSoares-rs6ec]

@@SpectroliteDS2400 sometimes, but yes.

[@sternguard8283]

@@SpectroliteDS2400ehhh, only if the conqueror cares to keep the territory, otherwise burning the land to ash is a good way to end that threat.

[@septimus7524]

​@@sternguard8283 One doesn't conquer WITHOUT inherently caring about the physical territory. Depending on what is IN that territory, just glassing it is counter-intuitive to the whole point of conquest and expansion. ALL wars, no matter what it is.. The Crusades The Roman-Iranian wars WW1 and 2 And more All of them are inevitably based in and rooted in ONE thing. Economic gains for oneself, and economic blows to one's enemy. No one goes to war with the expectation of just obliterating their enemy, and walking away empty handed. You go to war to GAIN something. Land and territory have economic value. From industry, to infrastructure, to agriculture, to simple resources, there's tons of monetary reasons to occupy and hold a territory, if it has such value (which, usually, it does.)

[@mycroft16]

Never invade a planet whose prime species has spent their entire existence at war with one another. Don't ever give them a common enemy.

[@willbordy]

Loved that all of this story started because the human call him a son of a bitch. The guy was so mad that he went to the best assassin guild in the galaxy to kill him, just to find out the appropriate response to an offense is another offense, and like in math to negatives makes a positive

[@laggindragon7166]

funny part is if he did insult back or start a fist fight he would probably be invited to the bar for a drink right after and have a new human friend.

[@mycroft16]

We are a truly bizarre species. We will lay waste to your planet if you come for ours. But engage us in a fair gentlemanly fight and win or lose, drinks are on us.

[@andrewmalinowski6673]

​@@mycroft16Sounds like a Scotsman, I believe there's a Scottish saying that goes; "It's not a good wedding until there's been at least one fight"

[@freeblade2297]

"And the less I say about the death trap the humans call Australia, the happier I shall be" Best quote ever, right there

[@Etymon-jt3zw]

Far better story than anything out of Hollywood in a long time.

[@AlbertaGeek]

Still not original, though.

[@drewwar9344]

​@@AlbertaGeek You do realize there are literally only five stories that exist in literature three if you break it down So you will never find an original story again. They will all follow a set pattern

[@AlbertaGeek]

@@drewwar9344 I realize you think you're smarter than you are. kzbin.info/www/bejne/pYGWlGSebdtlkLM

[@braincell4536]

They basically treat us like Hornets. And you know the saying "Don't disturb the hornet's nest"

[@jazzk4072]

“The less I say about the death trap humans call Australia…” 😂😂

[@RedRover5000]

This feels like classic space opera - something that Asimov, Dr. Smith or Heinlein would have written in their early days. (Love it.)

[@Keithss1000]

Reminded me of The High Crusade (Poul Anderson)at least in spirit.

[@hyperDarklord13]

Smith?

[@msgsgt]

This guy is clearly a undercover spy. Trying to find any assassins that might still have grudge against humans.

[@doctorhypnodeeptrance5981]

"that deathtrap called Australia" lol that almost made me spit out my drink haha.

[@sim.frischh9781]

Fear the humans, for they have one TERRIFYING weapon: Lawyers! XD Since i have both a grandfather and an uncle who are lawyers, i KNOW ;)

[@bozhijak]

Brilliant!

[@acestorm6662]

"Also , NEVER let them listen to "Freebird" unless there is no more hope"

[@levievil9220]

Especially during the guitar solo whatever that is

[@A.D.M.SPlayz_Games]

Assassin: The Delpan angered one human by killing his rabbit and family. Contractor: Did that human die? Assassin: On the contrary, that human by himself wiped out most of the Delpan's army before being sealed away. He still lives tho

[@heatherweir8726]

Canadian here. The mistake people make with is conflating kindness with weakness.

[@derkurier2710]

Seams about right for a Canadian to say XD

[@andrewmalinowski6673]

A great example; Fluttershy from MLP:FiM, just because she is the Element of Kindness if her friends are in danger or she's pushed far enough she is as dangerous as a Manticore. The DnD Alignment chart that best describes humanity; A) Looks like a cinnamon roll, can kill you or B) Looks like it can kill you, can kill you

[@khylerbane4523]

“The death trap they call Australia.”😆😆😆

[@niyablake]

Well the only thing we have in the US is Florida and Florida man

[@johnlaursen6080]

Good Story, I especially liked the ending. Mankind can indeed be ruthless, but at the same time compassionate and forgiving. For example, how many countries has the U.S. basically defeated in battle but afterward helped them to rebuild their country, some of these even becoming future allies.

[@007Kevler]

US assistance in the Middle East is especially noticeable. the entire region is in ruins and no trace of past economic prosperity remains. Excellent invaluable help.

[@ilovejettrooper5922]

"For example, how many countries has the U.S. basically defeated in battle but afterward helped them to rebuild their country..." The Fat Electrician has an excellently told example of this: kzbin.info/www/bejne/n6i8pYyNjbWVnqs

[@SandraNelson063]

Well, as the Delpan learned-- Somedays you eat the abatt, someday the abatt eats you.

[@jackbrewster9766]

Somedays you eat the damnbeast, somedays the damnbeast eats you!

[@SandraNelson063]

@@jackbrewster9766 Have you read Dave Weber?

[@jackbrewster9766]

@@SandraNelson063 yeah march upcountry was one of the first scifi series i ever read. Still love it to this day. You don't mess with a mclintock!

[@tem5784]

a sci-fi where humans are ACTUALLY feared species? Wow... Never would thunk it

[@xxmephxx]

Look up "humans are space orcs" stories.

[@xxmephxx]

Look up "humans are space orcs."

[@bykrmom]

This was very engaging. I wish it were longer.

[@DanielWebb-ux5mz]

"those crazy primates love to fight, with words or with fists"

[@CCGR-2024]

That was a great story and showed the better side of humanity.

[@bootstrapparadox8656]

“That beer you’re drinking? HUMANS created that.”

[@tonyjanney1654]

Not the Lawyers!!! Those cruel humans, siccing the lawyers on them. Absolutely brutal fate for any civilized society.

[@Rave_n_ight]

There should be a law against using such a weapon

[@bennyroads6290]

There was a law, however, the human lawyers made it no more ​@@Rave_n_ight

[@steyn1775]

17:43 "what, the target is a hue" I didn't expect the story to continue after tens of seconds of silence lol

[@coutou5302]

When aliens realize why the Geneva Convention exists... AND... it doesn't apply to them...

[@nirfz]

i might be mistaken, but the geneva convention was about the treatment of refugees and non participants, the earlier hague convention is on land warfare and it's participants.

[@timberry4709]

The conquest of Dirt and up to the rebellion gave me strong "Battlefield Earth" vibes.

[@mr.jackson01]

This is like a conversation that survivors of Ender's Game, the Formics, would say.

[@TheNightWatcher1385]

“Thrice damned mouth,” might be the most creative insult I’ve heard in years.

[@JamesSmith-gm7fm]

Alien: we have weapons that can wipe out your entire planet Human: we have Australia

[@aussieginger1960]

I wonder if spider eggs would survive being transported distances?

[@andrewmalinowski6673]

Earth; Black mambas, Black Widow and Brown Recluse spiders, Japanese toadstools, and hippopotamus, etc. Vacation in Death Valley, California and bake or go to Antacrtica and die of hypothermia or frostbite (Siberia: -40 F)

[@maximilianschibli1791]

"And the less I say about the death trap the humans call Australia the happier I shall be" -old assasin I can relate to this

[@morrigancollins2092]

The most fearsome force in the galaxy are human lawyers.

[@williamseigler3408]

I’m a science fiction writer myself, but this was as fine a story as I’ve seen in quite a while, thanks.

[@felixturinsky6007]

I LOVE this story. Most HFY-Stories I've heard so far were boring power fantasies. (I mean... HFY is about power fantasies but most are just BORING.) The Recepy seems to be: "Alien underestimates Human. Humans effortlessly murder all aliens (in edgy fashion) and really enjoy it (on a very edgy level). Super advanced Alien Army is surprised with basic tactics and our brutal ballistic weapons for which they were absolutely unprepared." The "Enemy" is often dumbed down to an UNBELIEVABLE level, just to make the humans look badass. Humanity suffers no/minimal losses and wins by totally eradicating the enemy. ...But THIS story here... I like it. It is a "good power fantasy". Of course the aliens are defeated. Humanity wins. That was never the question. It is HFY. But humanity struggles. They get overrun, because humans are unprepared and stupid. But they adapt. And they get their moment to rise again! Good little story. With ups and downs. Nice. And most important - i does not take itself TOO seriously. Throws in a joke or two. It is just a good mix of everything. Did i say nice? Nice. ;)

[@MarcosAlexandre-no3qx]

the nice point especially is that they use guerrilla tactics even in space. They cut the enemy suplies, hit supply worlds and hit and run the enemy fleets

[@TheBadassTonberry]

And they use the deadliest weapon of them all. LAWYERS.

[@aaronimp4966]

"By the time the trials were finished, the emperor himself died of old age..." U.S. Court system: *blushing* "You flatter me." I can talk; it's my home country.

[@andrewmalinowski6673]

Just the line; "by the time the trials were finished the emperor himself died of old age, and his heir had to answer for his crimes" makes me wonder; how old was the emperor by this time? Judging by the Muller Report against Trump; that sounds about right. After 4 years and finding nothing, but kept going

[@aaronimp4966]

@@andrewmalinowski6673 Spoken true, spoken true. To be fair, the court of public opinion may have had some influence on the court of law in that case, to a greater degree than normal.

[@jamzee_]

If fiction and reality has taught me anything, humans are the rats and wasp of our galaxy. We breed like flies, fight like savages, and unite against common enemies, even ourselves. But we’re also clever bastards. We’re like crows figuring out puzzles, we steal and scheme. We must be a horrific species from the per-view of any aliens. Also love how the alien calls Earth “Dirt” multiple times. Because for some reason, humanity decided instead of switching our name to something like Gaia, or Terra, we’d still call ourselves “mud.”

[@andrewmalinowski6673]

Well, if you think about it; Earth translates to either "Terra" (Latin) or "Dirt" (descriptor) while "Gaia" being the name of a Greek deity; Mother Earth. It's likely that aliens wouldn't know the difference between; Earth, Dirt, Terra, or Gaia and the funniest part was reciting; "Vive la revolucion" and going; "Don't ask, I didn't study human languages"

[@philliparanza491]

This one is good story. The vicious lawyers got me crackin too😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@NorthForkFisherman]

"Never able to pin down the humans in a fair fight". Because we took the advice of a fictional character to heart: Odo: You'd shoot a man in the back? Garak: Well, it's the safest way

[@UncleJoeJoe]

Ah, Garak…the most reliable character ever. Loves me some Garak wisdom 🥰

[@NorthForkFisherman]

@@UncleJoeJoe The wisdom of a plain and simple tailor.

[@HO-bndk]

That notion is in Sun Tzu from 2,500 years ago.

[@NorthForkFisherman]

@@HO-bndk No, it was written down 2500 years ago. We've done this sketchy shit since the day we learned to walk upright and carry sharp sticks. I mean, dude, have you not met other humans?

[@mycroft16]

Garak... such wisdom.

[@HubiKoshi]

"Don't kill a human, a fist fight is okay though."

[@captainherojeff1894]

This story was amazing to listen .

[@johnie14151]

They should make a movie from this. Damned good show. Very entertaining and I’m impressed.

[@krazywolve]

I think that if Hollywood needs new ideas, they need to look at the amateur writers. Many writers on the r/HFY subreddit are much more creative than I and write these amazing epics. Thank you for the compliment.

[@WarbirdPhoenix]

Austrialia is also a death trap for humans so don't blame the alien elder assassin sentiment one bit.

[@dandarr5035]

and yet there are 20 million or so humans living there. Sure, that might be small compared to the entire human population, but that's still not a small number.

[@kandd2591]

“After three years of fighting the humans unleashed the most vicious weapon in their arsenal… Lawyers”

[@aarond1622]

These stories are like listening to a nerd explain why they are the best of all humans... because they slew a necromancer in DnD with a dandelion and dab of toothpaste.

[@andrewmalinowski6673]

Somehow that sounds like something from HHGttG, especially; "If you throw a towel over your head the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Trall is so stupid it thinks, if you can't see it, it can't see you."

[@HyneephAli]

We had Star Wars prepare us for the drama lmao cool video

[@concious2]

What a nice movie this would make seen from the eyes of the assassin sitting in the tavern reminiscing!

[@StCreed]

This strongly reminds me of The Trouble With Humans, a collection of similar stories and counterpoint to The Trouble With Aliens.

[@keithmckellar9913]

Narrator: Africa Me: oh they done fucked up Narrator: Australia Me: ahahaha Narrator: Lawyers Me: AHAHAHAHAHA!

[@septimus7524]

Wait 'till those Xenos hear about Appalachian hillbillies

[@Danheron2]

I wanna hear a story about a human slave on one of the mining plantets befriending all the other enslaved, alien races, and trying to convince them to help him in rebellion! What’s funny is it makes a sense that an alien assassin wouldn’t want to kill a human, vengeance is a huge thing for us, it exists in all our cultures and would become so persistent that we had to make laws to stop it 😂

[@andrewmalinowski6673]

Hammurabic Code: An eye for an eye Ancient history; Kill one enemy, their child will remember and become your worst enemy. Take out one enemy and you make another, the cycle never ends without wiping out an entire bloodline

[@Shadow.Dragon]

Great story! LOL!!! Earth's secret super weapon...lawyers!

[@SaberFox-xo5jf]

May they do the devil proud.

[@masterbigfoot]

Damit, we needs a moive... I would loved a moive where we are the "aliens" in the story