What is the most useless magical item you've ever given your party? #3 (r/askreddit)

[@MrRipper]

Only if you want to, here's the link to the merch store teespring.com/stores/mrripper

[@Ofxzh]

Idiot’s scroll Apon the scroll being burnt, a small “idiot” minion is summoned. Idiot serves as a servant to whoever burns the scroll. If the idiot has to make a roll, they will announce it loudly. “I ROLL TO BREAK THIS MAN’S KNEES” “NAT 20”

[@WhisperingShade]

Orb of Infinite Possibilities (An 8 ball) Black Sphere that's a few inches in diameter which has the infinity symbol(or a number 8) on one side and on an opposing side is a mirky view into a dark place. If shaken and asked a question the answer will materialize on a triangle within the darkness of infinite space held within the sphere once turned upright.

[@cameronf5893]

Thanks for the speech at the end. I needed to hear that today. Keep up the good work :)

[@nickgr8artist]

I gave them a carved wooden fish that could magically answer any question... in an unnecessarily complicated and verbose manner. And the answers were also always wrong. It was carved from cedar wood, giving it a reddish tint, and it took the players several games to realize that it was a "red herring".

[@TheJege12]

YOU MADMAN THAT'S AWESOME

[@dolorsitametconsectur]

You could take the route of asking it “if I were to ask you X, what is something you could possibly say?” Since it has to be wrong, it’s a double negative.

[@maxblake5564]

*facepalms dramatically at the awful joke*

[@alphax4785]

Red herring: 'Nice try, but my head was built with paradox absorbing crumple zones!'

[@Green24152]

BUT WAIT! ITS WRONG EVEN THERE@@alphax4785

[@thatguycolor]

My DM gave the party a flute that frightens enemies for 1 round if they don't save. The only reason this is useless is, as our Cleric pointed out, "Any instrument can have that effect if you play it *badly* enough."

[@Green24152]

Hahahahhaah

[@claude-alexandretrudeau1830]

Bagpipes cost 30 gold and I am determined to justify that expenditure.

[@Gamer88334]

@@claude-alexandretrudeau1830 Let me guess: it's to seduce everything you come across. People, orcs, animals, objects. Nothing will be safe from your attempts at seduction.

[@CodaBlair]

@@Gamer88334 If I played a bard I would play one that is essentially handsome squidward. I mean the godlike one after Spongebob tried to help make Squidward ugly again and he became even more beautiful. He would also try to seduce people by playing hus clarinet which has a negative modifier to charisma.

[@schwarzerritter5724]

Except ukuleles. It is impossible to tell if someone is playing a ukulele good or bad.

[@morganvoldemort675]

The dad helmet, provides a plus 1 to AC, but whenever someone says i’m ____, it makes the player say “hi ____, I’m dad!” Make your own dad items for Father’s Day in the replies -at the hospital with the party, witnessing a intimate conversation by a half elf and that persons father- “Zephyr.... I’m dying” Nobody: Hat guy: *”hi dying, I’m dad!”*

[@octo8715]

The Amulet of Da'djokes: seems to be an innocent and tasteful necklace. However, the moment you hear someone say something, you become compelled to make a terrible pun.

[@fabiansuckfull9446]

The magical thermostat wand. Able to lower the temperature in any room to just below or above comfortable temperatures.

[@morganvoldemort675]

Fabian Suckfüll better yet the wand disables any temperature altering effect as it wants to “save magic”

[@johnhansen4794]

+3 Belt of Whoop-A$$. Does double non-lethal damage versus cross aligned foes. LG vs CE etc..

[@Green-vw5vr]

Not an item but The curse of therm'os'tat Can only survive in a temperature of your choice (30°C) for 1d6 hours

[@dekkard4982]

I wasnt the one who gave them the item, i was the player who got the item. But it was the "Necklace of thoughts". I thought it was gonna be something really cool but as soon as you put it on it curses you so you dont want to take it off. But it also makes you speak whatever you are thinking out loud. I put it on and forgot about it for a few minutes and i tried to pickpocket someone and my character yelled "PLEASE DONT NOTICE, PLEASE DONT NOTICE, I JUST WANT TO TAKE IT AND GO" because that is what i was thinking at the time.

[@cameronbzee]

omg thats fucking amazing

[@excessivelyfangirlingbookw3339]

That’s hilarious! 😂

[@amberkat8147]

Okay, now I want to give that to the next group I run! Thanks for the awesome idea!

[@LordMekanicus]

The glove of slapping. Say the magic words and it slaps everyone in the room until you tell it to stop. It was a bs item found in a nobleman's desk by our sneaky bard. Thought it was useless until the bard figured out you could fill it with rocks then turn it loose in a crowded room.

[@jessicapalmer3455]

That's beautiful!

[@dragonllig790]

Lol

[@themightygallium9509]

What were the magic words? Please and thank you? Abracadabra? Meeska-Mooska-Mickey-Mouse?

[@LordMekanicus]

I believe we took those straight out of the old Sword in the Stone movie. Hockity-Pockity-Wockity-Whack!

[@maxblake5564]

I absolutely LOVE the ruthless ideas of the bard in question XD.

[@SomeBlokeOrWhatever]

I once had the characters visit a "Curio shop". It was populated with magical items designed to be entirely pointless, just for laughs. One of my characters bought a Duck Lamp. It would light up if Ducks existed. Meaning it was always lit. Fast forward a few months and through portally shenanigans they are sent to the end of time. It was initially supposed to be mystery where they ended up. Character pulls out the duck lamp just to light her path. "Guys, ducks don't exist anymore, are we at the end of the world?"

[@FaustinoIII]

I give my group a "ring of silent step" so your character dont produce any sound while walking, in reality it just make you deaf

[@sherylcascadden4988]

A "Hat of silence" makes the wearer deaf/mute, not affecting any other sounds the wearer made.

[@nickgr8artist]

I like this one. 😆

[@therappingdog7291]

i gave my party an invisibility ring that made you invisible for as long as you wanted. the catch was anything you were wearing did not turn invisible including the ring.

[@the_multus]

TheRapping Dog So... Public masturbation ring?

[@silversugar2140]

Clearly the solution is to go nakey and hope no one sees a floating ring haha.

[@danielribeiro1433]

this is the reverse invisibility ring. the old trick of the ring that only turns itself invisible

[@morganvoldemort675]

The real question is how do you role play when someone has true sight or dispel magic considering operation birthday suit is a go

[@chaosandbunnies8291]

That's when you throw on a bedsheet and pretend to be a ghost

[@patrickk2533]

Probably all of us viewers come here just for funny DnD stories. But your little life coaching / therapeutic sessions at the ends of videos are so nice and hopefully help out more people than you could ever imagine : )

[@Duranous.]

The first one is not useless so clearly that gm only gives out useful items.

[@Tzryylon5]

I gave my party an object that you can only remember what it looks like (or that it even exists) while looking at it. Attuning to it gives you the same effect - people can only remember you even exist while looking at you, and immediately forget once you're out of line of sight. While I thought this would be far from useless, the party has since stuffed it in a bag and promptly refuses to acknowledge its existence.

[@mindlessscientist3772]

9:33 this isn't a useless magic item, this is an insta-kill for so many things if there's a ceiling above them! I've already heard 2 stories on this channel about how a insta-tree saved pc lives. And outside of weaponizing it, it can be used for so much more! Create cover, build natural shelters from circles of trees, free firewood, druid spells that need plantlife, a goddamn bridge! I desperately want this item now

[@brianpatrickdaly]

I accidentally gave my party a box that produced an infinite number of rats. It was supposed to be a throwaway trap for a joke, but they took the box with them and used there rat supply to check for traps

[@BusterBuizel]

I saw an item called the Ring of Spellcraft, but the title was rather a pun as in SPELLING. The effect is that, once per day, you got to change one letter in one of your spells to make it a completely different spell. For example: Darkness becomes Dankness, Inflict Wounds becomes *Inflict Pounds,* and my favorite of all is Enlarge/Reduce becomes *ENLARGE/SEDUCE*

[@Jikkuryuu]

This is beautiful

[@mimictear6788]

Ooh, this is a neat one. Glyph of Warding could become Glyph of Warping, Ray of Frost becomes Ray of Lost, Leomund's Tiny Hut becomes Leomund's Tiny Hat, the potential is limitless.

[@godsigner]

Mage Sand

[@aqwkingchampion13]

@@godsigner I cast Mage Sand *pulls sand out of pocket and throws it in enemy’s face* Oh, sorry, I meant Pocket Sand, same difference.

[@codyholley]

Fireball/firehall

[@tetsuraryuuken]

I've always been a fan of the Hat of Detect Magic. Once per dawn it will detect the nearest magical aura or item when used. This, of course, will always be itself: The Hat of Detect Magic.

[@Nauriek]

This just makes me imagine a party where the wizard, artificer and rogue go out of their way to grab every last magic item they can get. By the time they are nearing the end of the campaign, they have gathered enougth random junk to create a horrible contraption of mad science that breaks reality in some way or another, ending the game in a glorious destruction.

[@AntonioHachi]

Rogue had a panic moment while stealthing. Tries to distract the enemy with a random duck quack. It surprisingly worked! Became a joke in the game. Later on they are checking out a well stocked magic shop and "find" a staff of birdcalls. It can produce any kind of bird noise. Including duck quacks. It has proven to be an amazingly good infiltration device.

[@LordMekanicus]

It's amazing how well a duck call works in a game of paintball too, especially in the woods.

[@Lheticus]

3:48 With that one, I would have gone with loopholing "turn into merMAIDS." As in, all women.

[@Nathan-qp9uv]

also worth mentioning that the wish made no mention of turning back just that the item turns them into one if they use it.

[@owenmerrill1501]

crud.

[@chaosandbunnies8291]

They said they wanted to turn into mermaids who keep all their stuff. Clearly, they are ejected from their bodies as their bodies turn into perfectly normal mermaids who now own all their old possessions.

[@tuckertechnolord6126]

And give them a average mermaid stat block if you're really mean. They didn't specify to keep their levels, ability scores, racial bonuses, proficiencys, or anything else. Basically a new campaign now, though.

[@jaygar823]

I remember that I had given one of my players, a halfling bard, some Bagpipes of Invisibility: bagpipes that turned the user and the instrument invisible while they are being played. It was supposed to be a silly joke, but the party actually used it to escape from enemy capture. For context, the party was a halfling bard, an elven wizard, a teifling rouge, and a human druid. Now for the escape. First, the bard started playing the bagpipes, alerting the nearby guard who then came over to the cell. Once the guard got close, the Wizard cast silent image, creating an illusion of the bard playing the bagpipes, while the actual bard played in the corner. Annoyed, the guard pulled out his keys to enter the cell and confiscate the instrument-which the Druid then cast heat metal, forcing him to drop the keys and allowing the rouge to grab them. The rouge then taunted the guard, giving the actual bard enough time to stop playing and cast sleep on him. The party was then able to escape because of the Druid’s pass without trace spell.

[@billyray9925]

So you gave a party a source of infinite invisibility that has practically no drawbacks? Thats some majorly game breaking stuff, how could it be any other way? I guess I could expect no less from DM that cant even spell rogue though. Rouge is for whores.

[@WintersMinion]

@@billyray9925 As an item of invisibility it would be next to worthless as you have to play the bagpipes to be invisible and as he said it only makes you invisible it doesn't keep the ones your hiding from from hearing the bagpipes being played. In fact in his story they could of just used regular bagpipes and had the same effect.

[@Nathan-qp9uv]

...anyone want to point out the ability to make a full grown tree on command is basically the ability to make cover and is actually really powerful? also its made directly in front of you so could be a rather interesting trick in a melee fight, maybe the enemy needs to make a reflex save or end up on top of a tree and all that entails.

[@gnarthdarkanen7464]

Leap of the cart in mid chase scene and proceed to stamp up a forest... well enough timed it would be calamitous. ;o)

[@lexsamreeth8724]

Yup. I remember a game session where our necromancer got us away from a dragon lair scot free by using a tree token to pin the young dragon against the roof while we got away with the loot.

[@riesen_ratte8431]

*is that a jojo’s reference*

[@veng3r663]

Meh, all the Floramancer's in my game can cast Create Tree at Level 8...

[@tobor88]

My DM once gave us a Greatsword that had the featherfall spell enchanted on to it. As in the sword was always under the effects of the featherfall spell. What made it useless was that it only worked when no-one one was holding it. We got around that by leaving it in the Scabbard and using it as a parachute.

[@rachelleharper3006]

I’m so proud... that was a great speech... AND HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND

[@nin2494]

what part of the video?

[@vigilantezra]

After all the stuff, in the sort of "end credits" part

[@cameronf5893]

Lol right?

[@lollyjollyflapjacks6078]

Lucky girl

[@sonofabunn5482]

after that speech i was like "dude, i'm not crying, you are!"

[@kavlan453]

“If we don’t say something, then we’re bad, and if we *do* say something, then we’re bad” You just dictated the exact thoughts that absolutely tore me to shreds a couple weeks back. I felt like if every decision I made would lead to someone seeing me as a terrible person, then I must, in fact, be a terrible person without knowing it, which just shattered my image of myself, and my own indecision about everything just made it worse. Luckily, I’ve had some time to recover, and I’m more okay now, but I still want to thank you for that message at the end. Since quarantine started, I’ve been needing more and more reminders to be okay with myself and my feelings. Thanks for being the source of that reminder this time.

[@quintintanious1946]

"spear of shark killing" it was a +3 weapon that did an additional 2d6 against any shark. Did nothing against other creatures, this was given in a mostly landlocked campaign. Party stopped complaining about magic items, and we all still joke about it today, and it occasionally makes an appearance in other campaigns.

[@CodaBlair]

It would've been funny if it was sold and then a landshark or a loanshark immediately showed up as an enemy.

[@EchoEchoEchoX3]

The box of betrayal: a small wooden box that projects an aura of a powerful magic item inside. When opened the aura dissipates and reappears once closed again

[@EchoEchoEchoX3]

We sold it as mystery magic item for 10000 fold pieces and almost immediately got chased by ten of the merchants guards who were satisfied with their new treasure

[@aaronking2020]

Could be used as thief bait

[@n00bplayer72]

Used Bags of Holding: > Items from this bag now reek like onion/garlic/durian/fish/etc. > Items from this bag emerge greasy, as if someone handled them after eating a ton of fried food with their bare hands > Items from this bag are covered in glitter > Items from this bag emerge hopelessly tangled in thread > Items from this bag emerge with graffiti scribbled all over them > Items from this bag emerge with oversized googly eyes permanently glued to them

[@razorraptor2247]

My guy, imma be honest, that speech was something everyone needed in this day and age. Keep safe man, and thanks for putting out these vids

[@fearofdamoon]

When I was a DM. I gave my players Broken Sending Stones. They had little cracks in them, it resulted in them always being on. So you could hear everything being said by the person and who ever was talking to them. It resulted in a lot of fun RP with the characters always picking in each other from distances away or trying to distract each other during cons. As long as you were attuned you could hear what the other person was doing....it made sleeping with NPCs a nightmare for the other characters though.

[@genemauldin5931]

In my current campaign my DM gave each PC a funny, borderline useless magic item. My Rogue/Bard got a flute that yodels. I've used it 3 times so far. Once caused two enemy Kenku to flee from the party in terror, and once I did an epic performance in the royal quarter of Waterdeep which allowed the other Rouge to pickpocket some nobles with no problems.

[@HellsRaven4444]

Sword of Reverse Intent. Basically, the more you want to kill your enemy, the more you heal your enemy to the point that it also cures other effects such as cancer, diseases, curses etc. The more you want to save your enemy, the more damage it outputs to the point it basically instant kills things such as ancient dragons, astral dreadnoughts. It's supposed to be combined with an item that can reverse the morality of a person, so turning them from good into evil and vice versa.

[@SingtheSorrow22]

Our dm gave our warlock the “ rope of unknotting”. It was rope that was enchanted never to be able to be tied into a knot and pretty much dared our warlock to come up with a way to make it useful. Ever the creative person, our warlock did find a use for it. He made a bet with a npc shopkeeper his entire store and goods if he failed to tie a knot in said rope. The npc failed and handed us ownership of everything he owned pretty much XD.

[@keithheady1301]

Heavy spike through it, cotter pin to keep it from coming out. Grappling hook or weapon like a harpoon. Def still useful lol

[@BlackMew13]

At the beginning of a campaign i introduced my players to a magic item shop run by a quirky gnome woman, the whole point of the shop was, that it only sold useless and weird magic items One of my players in particular LOVED stuff like that and after i decribed some of the items, he immediately bought what i called "The Fork of the Glutton" The forks magic effect was that food never falls off of it no matter how much you put on it, essentially letting you eat huge pieces of something at once

[@WorldWalker128]

I need that fork. Won't even bother with a plate for spaghetti. Just twirl the entire serving on one fork and eat it like a ball of cotton candy.

[@aechek436]

bit late, but in my party I got a magical item called "identifying ring" I thought this was useful, at the moment where I needed it I found out I can only identify fire, range touch.

[@ActionMan1979]

I thought it identifies itself; "I'm a ring"

[@archellothewolf2083]

Had a GM who mad a joke item that was only useful in very specific situations: A shovel that, once activated, re-sized itself based on the character's carry weight. To most people it was a normal sized shovel for any small or medium creature who carried it. For my Goliath Totem Warrior barbarian it was ruled that the shovel thought I was a Huge creature due to my massive carry weight and as such became a shovel befitting a Cloud Giant. I used it as an amazingly powerful weapon and tool of destruction. In a one shot based on the Hunger Games, my character used this to catapult giant boulders down a mountain at all other competitors, This was particularly devastating thanks to the Earth Genasi Sorcerer I'd teamed up with, as he'd convinced some tiny earth elementals in the area to act as sentries and report the grid coordinates of anyone trying to sneak up on us Battleship style. Once they popped up and said "B7" I'd make an attack with disadvantage, and if I hit the boulders would deal enough damage to instantly kill or seriously injure most of our opponents. It was a fun time.

[@scoots291]

I just remembered I one time gave my party a +2 sentiate shortsword way to early into a campaign. The sword was low intelligence and could bairly speak common but had the attention span of a cocker spaniel and craved attention like a toddler. It would try to help (example it tried to read a book but ended up cutting the book in half) And it really only had 1 volume and that was loudish. Most of the party started to hate the weapon and threw it of a moving cart to lose it. The next session they realized the mistake they did

[@confusedTurtle_]

I read somewhere, that I can't for the life of me remember where, an item called the "Wand of Wand of Summoning Summoning". When you activated it, the Wand of Wand of Summoning Summoning would create a Wand of Wand of Summoning Summoning. The thing is, the wands only ever had one charge, so using it would cause the previous wand to crumple to dust. My party has one and it has served its purpose as "a funny gag, we bought it, and now we move on" but the fear of the party really using infinite dust is looming. What for? I don't know, and that's what scares me. In another campaign, the DM gave my friend a Ring of Redundancy. It was a ring that gave you an extra attunement slot, but required attunement.

[@MattKiritsy]

I just stared a campaign with some friends and, after their first encounter with a brewmaster, I gave them a bag of holding that the brewmaster used. The caveat was that it was a "Bag of broken bottles" (sometimes they get a unbroken one if they rolled for it). Ultimately they would use this to scatter glass shard behind them whenever they fled from battle, quite effective really.

[@youdontneedtoknow1057]

omg. this is the video i`ve always been waiting for. obligatory not a dm, but a player. so far into the campaign we are playing, I have received a cool cape. the literal magic effect is it flutters as if there is wind pushing it, a D12 rapier that, alongside the damage you do, also heals whatever you hit for 1 D12. you have to gamble the damage and healing. A flower pot that grows things exponentially fast. which was a really useful one for making money and stuff for our spellcasters, but it had an added side effect: the plant in the pot would become sentient and plead for its life when you tried to pick it/pull it out....we don`t have an evil characters willing to do it.

[@connorjohnson8590]

The Bake Fork. It was originally a mistype from one of my friends. In game, it was this fork with fire magic on it, and it’s purpose was to cook food as you ate it. It was basically a failure of a magic item from a random mage

[@iliyanborisov4252]

I just wanted to say, I really appreciate the few words you put at the end of every video. It is really great that you are trying to help struggling ppl. And loved the video!

[@Battleguild]

Those 'Red Boots of the Yellow Path' would be stupid good in classic dungeon delving. 1. If it colors the ground, if a spot doesn't get colored, that probably means there's an illusion covering a pit. 2. If it dyes the ground, if a 10ftx10ft trail of a previous section you passed is erased, you're dealing with a Gelatinous Ooze. 3. If you're split from the party on accident, you could use it to leave a trail in case your other party members find your trail before they find you.

[@davidfrank8058]

My Dm gave me a magical non-stick ice cream scoop. Pretty useless. However, when combined with a black ooze trapped in a bottle it becomes a key part of the “fast ball special”. Basically, you pour the ooze into the scoop and chuck it at a heavily armored enemy. Since the ooze damages non magical weapons and armor, you get great damage and advantage from using it. The only problem is getting the ooze back in the bottle.

[@1blueROSE8]

God, I needed that last added message tonight. Thank you so much for being so loving and supportive to your audience.

[@oninekko]

There's a joke item I've heard of that we used in our campaign. Ring of Redundancy: requires attunement. Once attuned to this item, you gain one attunement slot. They loved it, and when a player put it on, I gave them the card. The ring was also cursed with my own creation. Curse of the coveted. If there is another enchantment on this item, then that will be the only enchantment detected with identify. This curse makes the wearer have to try and convince the others around him that the item is super beneficial. Wearer has advantage and adds proficiency bonus on persuasion only when talking up the item. (Once per day in case I didn't say that. I'm on mobile). Others would have to make an intelligence save of 15 or suddenly desire to steal the ring. Item can only be removed if stolen. Once no longer attuned, you forget about the curse. It made it's way through the party, giving everyone a good laugh on their turn.

[@josephallen5976]

The ring of +1. Creates one additional mirrored copy of an item that it is placed on or in. The barbarian found it in a chest in a suspicious camp, and didn't think about it and put it im a bag of holding. He was instantly transported to the astral plane surrounded by several copies of lifeless mirror people.

[@sunflwerrr]

I'm legit gonna cry that message at the end hit hard. They really do care for the audience, very awesome!

[@legogsrdi8349]

My DM just gave me a homebrew cloak that cant be taken off and either 1/day or at appropriate/inappropriate moments plays music suiting the situation. I've been loving it lmao.

[@joshholton4712]

Thanks for the encouragement! It's so easy to get lost in one's mind these days, especially when one gets sucked into the black holes of the the various social media platforms. Sometimes we feel alone even in the presence of our closest friends and family. It becomes difficult to enjoy things and to motivate oneself to engage in anything. It's never good to go through these feelings alone, without talking to anyone. Find someone in your life to confide in, seek help, fixate on your possibilities and not your shortcomings. It's never too late to talk. God bless you all, and happy adventuring!

[@water2205]

I enjoy using my own magic/curse system. Made a sword with a customizable magic enhancement. The only magical character (and the only dude who actually understood this magic system) entered in a few commands. The sword was supposed to launch a fireball when you swing it but instead when you swing it at a certain speed the entire sword catches fire. he forgot the part where he had to make the fire move away from the sword and they have tried selling it multiple times.

[@MyKaddy420]

My DM gave my character a small sack that would turn anything frozen into ice cream, the caveat is that the ice cream tastes of grasshoppers... Due to my characters unusual nature, he‘s actually very happy to have it.

[@leoalexander7102]

Not exactly an item, I once gave my players the "Boon of the Owl-bear" at the end of a short pollution-themed arc, which let them add 1d6 to a nature, animal handling, or survival roll of their choice once per day. Or, as they immediately renamed it, bear-dic inspiration.

[@mimictear6788]

I've got an idea for one; The Bag of Holding Bags of Holding. It's an extradimensional space specifically designed to contain Bags of Holding without rupturing and launching you into the Astral Plane. It has the same internal dimensions as a Bag of Holding, but putting any object inside that isn't a Bag of Holding causes the object to be destroyed. If the object is a Bag of Devouring or a Portable Hole, the contents are also destroyed. It outwardly resembles a Bag of Holding, but it incorporates golden thread and precious stones into the design, and it exudes a sense of opulence and superiority so potent that as an action it can cause all targets within 20 feet to become charmed as they gaze in awe at your magnificent bag. It does not come with Bags of Holding.

[@evenmoor]

Sounds like a good way to destroy cursed items!

[@thelonekingwolf7626]

My DM gave me a majestic Rock of Gravity Detection, it’s description easy it was a rock that I could drop to detect gravity... naturally I thought it was trash until one adventure it was basically raining upwards so I went to drop the rock and it stayed still in the air, telling me and the party we were in an illusion

[@youcancallmeal313]

The sword of anticipation. A +1 sword that whenever you roll an attack roll you also make a straight d20 roll. The straight d20 does absolutely nothing but it does rack your players with anxiety

[@zipzapper0]

As a DM, I tend to choose fun interpretations of Wild Magic table effects. My personal favorite was the Physical damage resistance effect, interpreted as wrapping the caster in conjured bubble wrap for the duration. This was debilitating when trying to translate a language

[@kittyelf1485]

Misfiring Wand of Magic Missile. There was a 20% it wouldn’t do squat. My cleric-sorcerer was deadly accurate with her Guiding Bolts (hurrah for dice not trying to actively kill you!) so it was just something to make the bugbear carry. A fire-starter that was basically a lighter, when I had a fire cantrip and we had a Dragonborn. Those were my personal useless items, I can’t remember what the others had. I could’ve used something helpful, like a muzzle and leash for the idiot Dragonborn paladin. Until his own healing abilities kicked in, I spent the majority of my time making sure he didn’t die of stupidity. Our absolute worst object though wasn’t even something the DM gave us. The idiot paladin decided to capture a pigeon for a pet, despite having no animal handling skill. After that, every combat I ended up babysitting Petey the pigeon since I was the furthest away. I wanted to bake him since pigeon pie was my character’s favorite food, but nobody would let me.

[@inkwellplays3910]

This series has been fantastic, it’s given me so many evil wonderful ideas! I can’t thank you guys enough! Gratitude from a wicked new dm

[@tysongreff6703]

Your talk at the end blindsided me completely. I'm so glad you included it, even in a video such as this. The world really needs more people reassuring one another and comforting one another. You delivered the message well, and I believe we all have takeaways from it. Hopefully the capacity for empathy in the world only continues to grow. Thanks for your encouraging words.

[@blatantpseudonym3313]

genie lamp that, when rubbed, spits out a note that reads "gone fishin'"

[@Twizar313]

Take the opposite gloves and put shrapnel inside and tell someone about it, then force them to wear them

[@fatcoyote2]

Sandals of the Platypus. Gives you ability to swim your walking speed, hold your breath for twenty minutes, and has a small venemous spur at each heel that does 1 + 3d4 poison damage once per day if you jab someone with a sandal. May not wear pants, shorts, or anyother lower garment to use.

[@WorldWalker128]

Well, if you character is otherwise a nudist that doesn't know how to swim it is VERY useful!

[@amberkat8147]

would a dress or long tunic count?

[@fatcoyote2]

@@amberkat8147 Nope. If it covers your nethers, you can't use whatever's. Eventually wound up with a new player's completely nude barbarian.

[@KertaDrake]

Give the pencil-ram to a scholarly character, have battle cry "The pen is mightier than the sword!" throw pencil-ram.

[@dimondtrilogy66games73]

I once had a bag of holding that had 20 barrels of gunpowder inside of it and a flaming torch which would only ignite if you opened the bag after adding the torch, goodbye big bad boss

[@the_multus]

Alex Macmillan Well, astral plane rift n stuff...

[@fabiansuckfull9446]

@Alex Macmillan That's why i had my bag of holding lined with 15mm of mithril. Fill it half with gun powder and half with ball bearings and you'll mince anything in one shot. The DM and I agreed I'd only ever use it once and then be done with it as it was a ridiculously OP weapon.

[@gnarthdarkanen7464]

I once jumped on a lich with a bag of holding... tied it tight and went in search of a useful portal. I think my GM had forgotten about the bag, but his expression when all my rolls won out was priceless. ...ended up with a second (much smaller) pouch of holding and stuffed it in the bag, For those not in the know, a portal or bag of holding inside a bag of holding creates a sphere of annihilation... SO I essentially did one of two things while soloing a lich in hand to hand... 1. Solo'ed it in one round. or 2. eventually won the longest boss-fight in history. ;o)

[@draconex1]

Bag of holding full of gun powder+ red dragon born that doesn't care if he dies = really big f all boom

[@amberkat8147]

Oh wow, that's amazing.

[@shannonleete6579]

This *useless item* story requires a bit of set up: I was DMing my very first campaign (homebrew Pathfinder), this was my very first group, and their very first actual dungeon crawl. I had set up a trap section that was meant to force them to act and problem solve as a group; a shoggoth was alerted to their presence and was oozing it's way toward them, there was no way past it, and no way to fight it without a TPK. OF COURSE the monk and the sorcerer decide "Yeah, we can totally take it." Keep in mind, the wizard passed his knowledge check and had loudly informed his comrades exactly what this thing was and what it would do to their little level 5 butts. The two engaged it anyway, as the rogue, wizard and ranger frantically searched for any way to get out... Enter the Holy Spork. The wizard found an ancient wooden spork hidden in a crack in the walls, which emitted bright positive light when held. The shoggoth recoiled at it's light and could be driven back by it. The light did no meaningful damage, nor did it have any healing properties. It was a literal deus ex machina meant to rescue the (now unconscious and nearly dead) monk and sorcerer. In the end, the rogue found a stone block trap that could be rigged to crush the monster and block it from pursuing the group. They dragged their downed companions past it, then had to take a full night's rest, put a substantial dent in their healing items, and both PCs and DM got a hard lesson in the consequences of shenanigans. The wizard kept the spork as a curiosity, and wound up bamboozing a shopkeep into buying it later on.

[@addisonchapman4861]

I know this is a bit late (sorry im new and catching up on the older videos) My favorite useless item i created was a Shield of protection. When the shield is about to block any damage, the shield will force whatever is holding it to block the damage to protect the shield. The shield uses you as a shield.

[@Charlift]

My DM had a merchant that sold a mouse which died instantly the moment it was bought. We decided to take it as a loan, which the DM allowed. We put the mouse in a jar, which also contained a little leprechaun. The leprechaun was INTENDED to serve the purpose of finding some gold or other useful trinkets for the party when let out of the jar. We never opened the jar after the mouse was put in, so it became a running gag that our aracockra has a jar containing a small man and a mouse which never were let out, leading to the DM making a short audio clip he regularly played of a muffled irishman banging against glass begging to be let out.

[@grahck4391]

I once gave a member of the party an chaotic neutral intelligent rock of throwing and returning as a joke. When by himself, the rock would start dancing and singing "we will rock you". It wouldn't sing or dance in front of anyone but the one I gave it to. When thrown, the rock did 1D3 + str damage, and came back to him.

[@zoeybrearley522]

thanks for the kind words at the end, i really needed to hear that thank you

[@chillychili9100]

I LOVE homebrewing magic items. One of my personal favorites was the "Blessed Stone". A seemingly normal rock that could be used to hit someone. Flip a coin when you do. On heads, it will heal the target with 1d4. On tails, it's just a normal rock. 1d4+strength mod damage :). Oh, and my player decided he wanted to swing especially hard so I raised the stakes, the coin flip was at disadvantage but the healing would be a d10 instead!

[@chillychili9100]

It was great having the cleric accidentally knock the wounded rogue unconscious after running out of spell slots.

[@Becca4theWin]

that one "rivers flow into the sea" bit gave me goosebumps xD nice voiceacting!

[@gasgiant4451]

I once made a trinket called the Spoon of X Kind, with X being the name of one of the various fantasy races in the game. So a Spoon of Elven Kind would only allow elves to eat from it, anyone else it would twist and turn away from the creature’s mouth and actively try and spill any and all contents. They then used one of those spoons to discover an elven assassin using illusions to look like a Dwarven Merchant.

[@Ellimanist15]

My DM once gave me a single magic item in a campaign. It was an arrow that did extra poison damage on a hit and on a miss would spawn 1d6 skeletons that attack the nearest LIVING target. We were playing a campaign where the main enemy was vampires and skeletons. -_-

[@dogf421]

hat of infinite rabbits + vampire charachter = infinite supply of blood healing

[@ramviolet6795]

The chicken wand, It could do a number of poultry related things and worked as a plus one wand. I won't tell them all but effects 5 and 3 were the same in everything except what they summoned number 3 summer the number of chickens and 5 was abyssal chickens. The catch if you summoned more than 9 they would be hostile to you instead of just kinda following you around. And if the user rolled 6 had u roll on the table 2 more times. This combo staked at one point to we're the wizard used it and had 24 chickens running after them, while the party stood there watching with the 8 abyssal chickens pecking at the ground. Lucky them they also summoned a good number of healing hard boiled eggs to.

[@billyray9925]

That was a foul trick you pulled

[@oceanbytez847]

DnD... the game that makes discussing "What is a doorway" fun.

[@DonRaynor]

I gave my party a broom of Cleaning. It would cast prestidigitation on itself. Throwing all dirt on it back to the surface you're cleaning.

[@AustrianTiger13]

I've watched a decent number of these videos, and i love the encouraging messages at the end, but that speech genuinely made me tear up

[@solsotice6775]

I feel this has been mentioned already but gonna say it for myself, 6:45 that is a similar description to the 'singing sword of conaire mór' from Ireland

[@CanadianTechPriest]

Wow, that was one hell of a speech man. Much love! I'm sure theres lots of people, myself included, who need to hear that.

[@matthewkruse5536]

Wasn't meant to be useless, but thought it was fairly benign. Gave my party three doses of Dust of Drying. They used it to suck up sewer water and slay a water elemental living there. Later, they came across a room full of baddies, threw all three globules of magically stored water in and slammed the door. It rapidly filled the room beyond capacity, crushing those within and I had to figure out which of the doors to the room would burst to relieve the pressure. They are on the lookout for more Dust of Drying ever since...

[@nerdysquirtlegaming7880]

I wasn't expecting the motivational spiel at the end but, truly, thank y'all, I know me along with many others needed to hear that, even from complete stranger

[@kaw6617]

My dm gave my paladin a block of swiss cheese from a orc tribe saying "the most holy cheese for the holy man" that when its eaten you roll a d4 and get a random effect so far one is everything glows very bright and another is your skin becomes covered in a thick slime. Edit I have now experienced it all you roll a d4. D1 comprehend language d2 fireball cast ar 5th lvl d3 sludge d4 detect magic

[@cameronf5893]

I am here to say the disguise self pun was heard and appreciated. Thank you DM... who ever you are lol

[@fabiansuckfull9446]

Not necessarily useless but you have to have a very high charisma to effectively use it: A sword that's possessed by the soul of a stand up comedian. High stats for wis and char as well as proficiency on investigation, history and arcana. But you have to pass a contested char check if you want something from the sword or it'll just tell you a joke instead. Also, it would cast vicious mockery up to 3 times a day and i had an actual list of insults I'd read. The kicker: It had the voice of Gilbert Gottfried. "Your mother's so fat a sword of giant slaying would slay her"

[@CodaBlair]

I could imagine that being said to a giant who just says "She's not fat!!!! She's just a giant!!!!!"

[@ethanpeacock4345]

So, to start off with, this game was not D&D, it is a simplified version my troop played at camp(uses cards instead of dice, not as many rules, etc). Also, many items in this were inspired by ridiculous things found/brought to camp. Some of the most memorable are- The tactical fork, which had a blade hidden in the handle of the fork. Does not seem so bad, right? the problem was, the blade was a full sized sword, so the fork was almost as tall as the players.

[@kneecaps3892]

Thank you.. I really needed to hear your speech. I'm going through a really hard time at the moment and you've made me feel so much better

[@ohmboytrance2128]

Thank you as always for your kind words of encouragement and heartfelt sentiment. It really helps.

[@groovyguru7309]

I’m always appreciative of the positivity and love that Dave gives out, your a real Beacon of light my man, and don’t you forget it!

[@scottgooch2787]

whenever i get to dm a campaign i have the idea of a sword of no return, cursed item -1 longsword once given to a person can't be un-equipped and must be used as their main weapon. the sword can be gifted to someone who has not been gifted it before and you can return it to someone who has already had it. i.e npc gives sword to fighter, fighter can give it back, its passed around the party then if they are smart to the big bad evil guy. big bad evil guy has now no one to gift it too and is now a lot less effective.

[@shadexvii3975]

The quill at 12:13 seems pretty useful to me, if you need to communicate with someone or something that cannot use common.

[@GordonFan]

Funny thing with this is I gave the party a useful item being the Immovable Rod(if you got a second then it could be used as a portable ladder) and it is useful... then they made it useless as they sold it for either 160 or 240 gold since they instantly sold it to a shop and didn't spend the week comparing buy prices(they if they went to the same shop would have had it sold for at least 360 as it was "used")

[@amberkat8147]

I gave my party a set of immovable rods to be nice- they never used them. Neither did they use the jug that could produce a variety of things: water, wine, vinegar, mayo, olive oil, etc. for anything other than traveling in a desert. I was hoping they'd use some of the other fluids at least sometimes.

[@aretailcashier450]

A d20 that magically teleports back into your pocket if lost, they never lost it so they never knew what the magic coming off it was. Just heavily imply that it MAY or may not have reality manipulating abilities and hilarity ensues

[@TrueDiesil]

My story isnt one about items, but about proficiencies! My character uses a longsword, and we were trying to hit insects, I kept fucking up my roll to hit so I was playing it off that my half-orc ranger was frustrated cause "How can hit tiny bugs with big blade?!" And it got a chuckle around the google meetups call. Later in the battle I got a massive hit on the bugs with my longsword, and the DM ruled that i had figured out how to hit bugs so well because of my anger, and I gained the proficiency "bugswatting" . I havent used it on anything yet, but it felt great to get!

[@mr.potato2223]

Boots that give you a +2 to stealth but scream constantly is a terrible idea

[@WorldWalker128]

No such thing as a useless item. Ever heard of The Sword of Goosing? (Still a weapon, but just read) Back when one of my uncles was still in high school, during his group's campaign the ship they were on got attacked by pirates. A New Guy had just joined up and their DM typically gave new PCs one random magical item. The Sword of Goosing was a normal rapier save for one detail: when you drew it, everyone within 30 feet of you felt a hard pinch on their butts. It'd do no damage, but if they failed a will save they'd drop whatever they were doing and grab their butts on reflex. This PC spent the entire fight running up and down the side of the ship drawing and sheathing the sword, which caused pirates that were swinging across on ropes to fall into the water every time they failed a save.

[@amberkat8147]

Okay, that's unexpectedly awesome.

[@SergioBonfiglio]

During a charity oneshot, my DM gave a party member one stone that could morph him into a random creature. Stuff happens, we reach the BBEG (a shapeshifter). Druid morphs into a T-Rex. Shapeshifter morphed into a T-Rex. Gnome looks at the stone and starts repeating "please gimme a t-rex, please gimme a t-rex, please gimme a t-rex". Then uses the stone. He morphed into a chicken. He definitely got the right animal, just in the wrong era. Later on the DM disclosed that he was willing to fudge the roll and have him morph into a T-Rex regardless, but seeing the result of the roll he couldn't help but going with it. And we're all glad he did.

[@amberkat8147]

Omg, that's HILARIOUS

[@tahakumonsonoa6026]

I love the life being added to them! Your reactions really get me.

[@darthremy1802]

I once had a young kid who always asked for a ring of invisibility and a ring of flying, since lvl 1, as in every shop he asked, and every reward he demanded, finally one day I caved and gave him a ring that turned invisible while worn but didn't make anything else invisible and a ring of flying that couldn't carry more than its own weight and I charged him everything in his inventory...also I once got drunk one night while playing (half of us were drinking that night) and gave a sober power gamer a magic hat for doing something...after an eternity of him demanding it's stats I just drunkenly blurted out "it makes cake" he wasn't happy with me

[@connorjohnson8590]

A bag of beans, a brand new one with 12 beans. This was meant to be an instigator item, and I wanted to reward my players so I decided that 2 of the beans were predetermined (the first one produced the best option, the eggs that increase your lowest stat, and the last one made the beanstalk). But this backfired. The fact that I had 2 of the beans predetermined terrified my players, so they never used it. To spite me they had their barbarian friend EAT the first and only bean used. I decided the egg bean took effect in his stomach. 1d4+3 eggs, max roll for 7 eggs created. He failed 6 consecutive con save, passed one. His intelligence increased by one exactly, so he was smart enough to realize how bad of an idea this was before he exploded due to 60d6 force damage.

[@Klomster88]

That's some heavy meta-gaming. Also, you shouldn't have told them they were pre-determined, just rolled, checked a page. And "Oh how lucky, you got this item!"

[@connorjohnson8590]

@@Klomster88 Yeah, I shouldn't have. They totally missunderstood what I meant when I said it was predetermined. We were on totally different pages lol. I meant it in the best way, but they assumed it in the worst way. When they saw my distraught reaction when they decided someone would EAT the first bean, they thought that was the right way to go. I am a wiser DM now. Also it was super funny so it was all good all around. The guy who did it was a Zealot Barbarian, so litterally no cost for the ressurection. They did however, have to roll well on their persuasion check with the clergy to perform a full ressurection spell that would be 'no cost'. They rolled a nat 1, but then used an inspiration token, which made it a nat 20, which was perfect. Fun times.

[@Klomster88]

@@connorjohnson8590 Lulz, sunds like a generally good story. Glad it worked out.