What the Scapegoat Child Has To Give Up To Survive

In today’s video I describe how pathogenic beliefs discourage the scapegoat child from seeking self-efficacy, self-worth and agency. Experiencing any of these positive states would threaten their narcissistic parent’s willingness to attach to them. Since that must be avoided at all costs, the child has no choice but to abandon pursuit of these needs. And believing that they are defective and/or undeserving allows the child to do so.
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[@sheilawilliams9080]

This would explain why as a child, raised by a Narcissistic mother, I never had any vision of my future.

[@mireille876]

Exactly. You literally cannot see it. * hugs * if you would like them. It's incredibly hard. ♥

[@darylkik6204]

We had a future. I had a role to play making dad look good in public, then at 19 I was told to leave and not come back. My role was all used up.

[@roxanecarbery4944]

I also experienced this I found this video very validating and I hope I can continue to live more authentically as I unmask. I hope you are living well and more conversations can be started from the talk

[@Strawssie1]

Children who were raised by a narcissist never had the chance to develop their identity. Going through life not knowing what defines you is truly sad & lonely. It’s like living in a permanent state of confusion & not understanding what you feel

[@coralmccrystal4606]

Yes. They act against you. From a very young age it's a war, with them pretending it's not.

[@Patricia-wy7fp]

It's horrible to live with as an adult. It's so damaging and the narc parent doesn't care.

[@dougcoleman8972]

​@@Patricia-wy7fpgoing through this now at 40. I always questioned why I felt abandoned and had no self. Realize it's from. Family dynamics you are not alone

[@mireille876]

@@Patricia-wy7fp The narc parent doesn't care -- and nobody else in the extended family who is ENABLING the narcissistic parent doesn't care either ... because you catering to every whim means that THEY are not subject to that parent's / person's whims. So that's why it's almost impossible to get anyone else to advocate for you, or to seek support. It's one of the reasons I find it * so frustrating * when even mental health experts say "Seek support!" without any inkling of exactly how challenging that process is going to be.

[@The_green_zebra]

I relate to this so strongly. But for the majority of my life I thought it was normal. It sets you up for horrible adult relationships.

[@LindsayLoo-q5d]

I’ve been starting to realize that I can’t really do things that soley serve my self, make me happy. Even if there is literally no harm to others, it always has to be focused on if others become happier from it or somehow benefit. Even if it’s at my own detriment (especially if it’s to my own detriment or my sacrifice). I have an internal body based fear that comes immediately when I pursue my own desires and hopes. This was formed under the system of narcissism and codependency and pushed especially by my very religious upbringing- use of spiritual and religious writings to tell me I come last and they (parents) come first. Really hoping I can undo this.

[@jennifermoore4246]

Hi Lindsay, I am so, so sorry you experienced scriptural abuse where someone used holy writings against you. If they taught you that they should always be first and they were unpleasant people, I could totally understand a deep desire to swing the totally opposite way in order to be nothing like them (i.e. feel compelled to always be last). I've had to learn to find a healthy balance between the two toxic extremes of what my narc parent was like and what I became in order to be nothing like that parent. For example, cutting everyone off and trusting no one (parent) vs. letting everyone in and trusting everyone (me) had to be replaced with learning to discern who to trust and let in and to what degree (new me). Or as perhaps in your case, replacing "I must be first" (parent) vs. "I must be last" (old you) with "everyone is important including me and I must discern how to balance my needs and wants with the needs and wants of others" (new you). All the best to you, Lindsay, in your healing journey ❤

[@restlesswildhorse]

Me too and I also feel extremely guilt and shame for all the pains of this world - thinking why should I be happy?

[@donovangray4246]

This behavior from the narcissist is a way to control the child, so they grow up believing that they cannot function in the world without their parent and this gives the narcissist control and a sense of power that they lack in their own life. Sometimes, when the child is in adolescence they use intimidation and threats to get the child to comply, because autonomy is so important to a child at this stage. This is all from my personal experiences.

[@engleharddinglefester4285]

From my "mother" I was still hearing, "I'll slap you!" at age fifteen. With my dad right there.

[@HeartFeltGesture]

@@engleharddinglefester4285 Yes I also refer to my "mother" in quotation marks. Only a mother in title, never in deed. Giving birth doesnt make you a mother. Being a mother does. At 50 years old, I have gone no contact with the loveless witch and her weak enabling husband.

[@donovangray4246]

@@HeartFeltGesture I feel the same about mine as well. I'm 55 and have gone no contact for 4yrs now and have never felt better.

[@killerbunny-rabbit5412]

@@HeartFeltGesture "There was an woman who swallowed a spider" < my mother

[@DelphineTheWorstBladeEver]

I was extra close with my great grandma. I spent all day making heart felt homemade pop up cards for her when she died so I could send her with them. So on top of me already being so sad, I was forced to give two of my cards to my two younger sisters because I was the oldest and they had nothing to put in. Everyone knew I was making cards all day. Then my dad tried to shame me at the funeral for not wanting to comply. As an adult I can't believe that shit.

[@BronwynneBessette-v7s]

Not to beat a dead horse but it’s beyond the pale that a parent feels threatened by the attributes of their own child, especially a

[@annthomson5648]

Me too. My dad was a horrific monster.

[@Sweepee-v2v]

I feel exactly what you're comment says. I've hated being on this planet my whole life. 65yr of nothing but hell for me.

[@Sweepee-v2v]

​@annthomson5648 same here. A lousy monster and everyone let it happen with their blessings.

[@kingaogiegloabstractpaintings]

me too

[@bongofury333]

Instincts gone awry

[@mudandglitter1609]

It has absolutely never occurred to me that I was the scapegoat child. I don't even know why I clicked on this video. I know my father is a narcissist, but hearing this was like someone was seeing me. Actually seeing ME.

[@sashalawrence4786]

Thats exactly how my healing began in 2016. Dr abdul saad’s video appeared after a conversation about my dead mother . Its your time now dear . When the student us ready the teacher appears. All the best 🥹💫

[@jennyg6122]

Hi Dr. Jay, I wanted to take a moment to deeply thank you. Because of your videos, I finally understood my toxic family dynamics and realised I was the scapegoat. You’ve saved me 20 or 30 years of my life, and I can’t express my gratitude enough. After watching your video, it became clear that cutting ties with my family was the best decision I could make-without any regrets or guilt. As I’m about to turn 30 next week, it feels like a brand-new beginning. I’m actively working on my healing now, and I know things will only get better from here. Thank you again for your invaluable work. I’m certain you’re saving many more lives. Take care.

[@frankmcgrenaghan3404]

Very good. The point towards the end about the huge excitement of the child turning to malaise nearly drains my energy at 70 years of age and reminds me of when I could barely lift myself of the school bus in the morning due to inertia but nobody knew about it or when my energy would drain away because of the dysfunction on the farm and when Iwould fall into deep, helpless depression when I was a teenager. It was just hell. Frank - Omagh, N. Ireland.

[@MeganS1995]

Narcissistic bosses and parents are difficult, since they have some influence over your future. So defiance can be REALLY scary and uncertain there.

[@MeganS1995]

I had to partially give this one up too... Depends on how you go about it. Truth telling is often a trigger for more abuse, since they feel exposed. Fawning is also a survival response, though they often want you to resign to them. So survivors often compartmentalize.

[@nimrodelbeats]

My problem is that I simply can't even see myself from my own eyes, the whole good/bad system is something others' judgement is, not mine, whole status thing is irrelevant to me, it's like I am out of the game totally. When I make music it's others who even have the ability to rate it, it's not even me who is even relevant to pride and status in the first plac. When I do something good the only way I can register it in the brain is "aah, just how the narc is", "aah, just what would make narc happy". Basically, I feel like no matter what I do it only empowers others, because only way I can even see things as "good" is by first applying it to others. Let's say i want to feel good about writing music. I first need to be told that writing music is good and proudable by others. But since I need them to, what I end up doing is first applying music writing talent to them, so that they are even relevant in recognizing it in me. Therefore i end up living in inversed reality where all my gifts and all my self is others'.

[@am_db111]

you're right but it's worth it to put in the effort to build the muscle to see yourself and begin to nurture the ability to motivate and inspire yourself and unhooking from codependency of having others to mirror it for you...

[@1RPJacob]

It sounds like an uncouncious belief: _"I don't exist or have worth unless others affirm it."_ or even deeper _"if I don't ask/get the permision first, whatever I do I will be punished for it."_

[@storyofzero]

For what it’s worth, when I read this I care that you enjoy making music, I care that you express yourself as an aspect of this universe. I don’t know you and maybe your music does suck in some objective way (whatever that even means) and maybe I subjectively wouldn’t like it. That would not change that I care. If it matters to you- it matters. Period. End of discussion. I hope you find yourself supported by others who encourage you to be you, and that over time the joy of that sinks in 🙏

[@kadirramazn]

I can't get away from the feelings of defectiveness and being bad and a wrong person. I feel like everyone else will treat me like i'm doing something wrong, because i feel worthless and someone will point out that worthlesness inside of me and i will be unloved and unapproved of. I feel like my mind is attacking me using other people.

[@lesliesccolemd6137]

Thank you so much! This video was very enlightening for me. I felt so unsure of myself and my decisions and would go to my mom as a college student for help. She would get angry at me and ask me what was wrong with me, then tell me no one else my age was “so dependent”. Very rejecting. I can see that it came from a disempowered childhood! The example of being very excited and happy with other children caused my mom to come down super hard on me. I got punished for having fun, it seemed. Now I can see what a freaking double bind I was in! I have watched so many of your videos and they have been super helpful in understanding the early stuff! Thank you for your courage in putting these out.

[@am_db111]

way tooooooo many "light-bulb moments" from this video 💡💡💡💡the only thing is it wasn't the soul crushing ruptures from narcissistic parents, it's always been the sister. fuuuuu****k. i guess better late than never to wake up and get a grip on my own life.

[@djmidas7]

I was able to find my identity through creating music but I was always struggling with the opinion of my mother of me. Never being accepted for being myself.

[@roxanecarbery4944]

Thank you for sharing. I have been just beginning writing tonight as I have been feeling being creative will help me build myself up

[@DreaminToo]

Do children learn narcissistic patterns from their scapegoat parents?? I am a very loving and kind parent, but at times I see myself echoing my Narc parents and siblings with certain expressions, etc. It really bothers me!!!

[@Adam444Tv]

I went to either extreme later in life: entitled or undeserving I never got the proper mirroring so now I’m working on striking that balance I deserve but not entitled or expect. I went religious for a while “I deserve nothing I must scrape by like Jesus” that was a neurotic response and the mind would glorify this (also this was never what he taught we shall have life and life abundantly through him)

[@txrancher47]

Another great video! Thanks!

[@Babu-kr3cr]

This was really deep. I could see a person doing a lot of therapy trying to understand this. It is very painful to look back on these things. It is probably easier to just move ahead and then glance back now and then to understand where they are.

[@bellaluce7088]

Growing up with a narc mother felt like being a squib in the Harry Potter books---a non-magical child born to magical parents. Except I not only felt less than my mother and siblings, I felt less than *everyone,* everywhere, even as an adult. When I realized that I'd been SET UP to feel that way for the convenience and ego gratification of my mother, it's a good thing I didn't have a wand handy! 😂 Being subconsciously programmed to sabotage yourself is like being put under an invisible evil spell. And part of the sneaky cruelty of that is we see the negative RESULTS of that spell without realizing we're under one and misperceive it as evidence they were right about us. Well eff that! 💪 I don't need to care anymore about the opinion of someone who'd steal the magic of CHILDREN to feel better about themself! 🤮 Looking at myself and my life story through the lens of persistence towards healing and triumph in spite of the heavy burden of their sabotage is not only more accurate, it feels WAY better. Huzzah! 🌈😃💖🌿 *THANK YOU, Jay!* 🌿

[@cecilia.alexandra1989]

Thank you very much, Jay, for all of your videos.🌼I discovered your channel recently and I learn a lot from it. You explain things in depth and always in a soothing, calming, and eloquent voice. I was violently physically and emotionally abused by my narcissist mother for years and years. And sadly, I have an enabling dad, abusive too. They are my only family, I’m 35 and life is still such a lonely burden, being an empath/INFJ does not help! Err! There is never an easy, peaceful day, and it is just so sad. Reading about other people trauma is also very helpful and reassuring. So thank you!

[@lindac6919]

Poor, dear Emma. I see myself in Emma. Hugs, dear. Thank you, Dr Reid. You've done a lot for me.

[@bongofury333]

In my dysfunctional family, the assorted roles were all assigned wrong

[@ajiboyeayomide4414]

Pls can you try using simple grammar in your video.

[@stephanieh7240]

This has been my life experience. It has become increasingly clear as I have become a parent myself. It also seems I have become all the more shunned from the wider family since my children entered the scene.

[@EarInn]

Thank you. Yes, the video was helpful, very much so. You described things I experienced growing up. Through it all I didn't realize I was being manipulated. I felt the manipulation and kept trying to adapt to it, but I was unable to identify it. Hearing these explanations from you, even many decades later, helps me understand and helps create a sense of closure.

[@HeartFeltGesture]

Im not convinced this information is helping me heal, since I just feel so angry when I hear about the pathetic loveless parent and how they knowingly destroyed their childs life.

[@dawnkikong637]

Offer yourself the same compassion that you have for that child, as often as you can.

[@roxanecarbery4944]

Anger was my first step and then disgust

[@HeartFeltGesture]

@@roxanecarbery4944 Interesting that you say this, I said it in my mind today with regards to my mother. Narcissism is the spiritual scourge of humanity. The empaths are breaking the loveless legacy.

[@storyofzero]

I continue to be so grateful for these videos. You offer up a mirror that has been instrumental in my healing. This particular video deeply moved me. The best way I can describe it is that the child in me who turned back to be met by glacial and demonic stares a thousand times over feels like this one time someone cares about her joy too. The hardest part of all of this is the deepening realisation of just how much I suffered and how much I believed it was my fault. It seems there is no end to the grieving…

[@PaulineKing-pb8nq]

Yes ❤

[@Gotteskind17]

❤

[@denisau3646]

I recall coming home from a school mate one day. We were living 5 minutes apart and she had asked me to come upstairs, which I happily did. When I got home my mother raised hell for me going , under the pretext I should not have gone without a gift to the mate's mother.! I felt so ashamed and my happiness vanished. I recall being so scared of doing things wrong for many years, that I barely dared to move I was stiff and silent. Still some people were seing value in me and she was laughing at their feedback and putting me down . She made a point to let me know nobody will stand by me if they knew the real me. This was said when I dared to stand up for myself against her. So many painful memories. She neverenvisioned a good fiture for me. Even now I have a hard time to project myself in a good diture. We do need a favorable mirror to raise to our potential. Thank you for setting the record straight for our childhoods Jay! Your work is very valuable.

[@Rockn123]

This was absolutely true of my relationship with my narcissistic father and my narcissistic "golden child" older sibling, but perhaps most painfully true of my forty-five year relationship with my narcissistic spouse.

[@1RPJacob]

When a child is treated unlovingly by a parent, he or she may conclude that they are somehow wrong or defective and that the parent doesn't love them. The child may then try to please the parent in the hope that one day they will be considered worthy and the parent will genuinely love them. As an adult, the child may experience a significant internal conflict. The child may conclude that the only way to elicit behaviour from the parent that resembles love is by punishing the parent, such as by refusing contact. Unfortunately, the child knows that such artificially induced love is not genuine and it's not the kind of love the child was hoping for. This leaves the child facing the painful dilemma of realizing that their lifelong hope for genuine love will never be fulfilled.

[@turnthepage867]

Even in adulthood, I let go if my relationship with my Step mom and Stepsister, when dad remarried.

[@ajiboyeayomide4414]

Pls can you try using simple grammar in your video.

[@dawnkikong637]

You're the best, Jay. Thank you.

[@ClickTrain]

Thank you Dr. Reid!

[@saharkhalili5303]

That deflating feeling is so painful. How do we deal with it when it comes up? I don't want to live a life of avoidance

[@pinchebruha405]

Ouch….😢

[@PersianDollTarot]

💯🙏

[@jonathanreynolds3667]

Gaining distance means having an understanding about the narcissistic parent. One understanding I've gained to gain distance is the the narcissistic parents or parent is to self absorbed to love their children. This is making sense of what happened and gaining distance tool that I have learned

[@fairygurl9269]

2:34 Large Indeed Much Gratitude

[@engleharddinglefester4285]

Hear, hear!

[@francesbernard2445]

One day when I was running a S.T.A.R.S. kiosk when someone was buying a calendar from me he talked about how some children during divorce while being forced to spend long periods of time away from their other parent become more accident prone than usual. I doubt that would have anything to do with the child having some sort of unconscious belief that they were underserving of personal safety while they were not as motivated to seek adult status agency at the time.

[@donovangray4246]

Being clumsy is actually a trauma response to abuse in childhood. It is based on the premise that a child's Proprioception gets damaged from the abuse. Autism can cause it as well, but if the child was abused that was probably why. This happened to me and a therapist told me this.

[@lindafolks]

It is very sad to put your life on hold or downplay yourself to avoid hatred/violence/passive aggression from the narcissistic people! You eventually fear NOTHING! The scapegoat will tell themselves daily “they cannot kill a person unafraid to die!” To live you must not fear their death threats and hatred! It’s sad when you have to find humor in others hateful behavior! Only God can save the scapegoat and deliver any hope of a life worth living!! 🙏❤️🕊🌟🎶🌹🎚️⚖️⛓️‍💥🌸☀️

[@kingaogiegloabstractpaintings]

my whole life was about avoiding violence, making myself invisible.a second aftet I left my room family was raging and judging, and i even didnt have a door in my room.

[@Anonymous-qr9ho]

@jennyg6122 Happy Birthday 🎉. Your comment has encouraged me to see the present season of my life as a "new beginning." All the best to you!

[@jessicadora7213]

Brizzo (sp?) is a beautiful dog, and so calm❤‍🩹

[@roxanecarbery4944]

Looks like a Belgium maleiose