What to do when your avoidant partner pulls away

Here’s what you should do when the avoidant pulls away #relationship #avoidantattachment #breakup #dating #heartbroken #relationshipcoach #nocontact #relationshipadvice

[@Jeff-kq9vg]

They want space? Give'em the universe 👋🏻

[@Flu_Tang_Clan]

Good luck having a mature conversation about healthy boundaries, expectations, and needs with an avoidant.

[@jeremyreese9663]

When someone pulls away you pull away and keep it pushing with your life and find someone else who doesn’t have all these insecurities.

[@canis556]

Maaan, it's so disturbing my nervous system. This vicious cycle. I want something stable, not waiting for another shoe to drop. Been in this for 1.5 years and definitely made me more anxious and take away my self esteem

[@a.d.b535]

2 years here ... I relate!

[@MG-gq2rs]

Oh my goodness. So am I! 1.5 years. I recently told mine I couldn’t stay because I felt the same way.

[@justingilmartin8983]

Same here. Ughhh. Ridiculous.

[@jamiewatchorn7639]

8 years here and just feels I’m going round in circles

[@justingilmartin8983]

@@jamiewatchorn7639 so sorry man, I feel for you. I wish there was a group that met once a week like AA... for people in relationships with DAs .

[@lifeofmike556]

Avoidant’s put forth zero effort. They always play victim. They are lazy lovers. Lazy people in general. They put everything else over their partner. Even other people over you. Let’s take away the name ( avoidant ) they are simply toxic people which trauma that are not ready to be dated. Even if they come back, you need to remember they already left you, when you didn’t leave them. If you do take her back, be extremely reserved and allow her to put in effort. But remember you risk getting left again.

[@bencefedorko719]

100% true!

[@justingilmartin8983]

10000000%

[@dianasimmons391]

So true!!!! And that part about them being lazy lovers… 👀

[@game_theory2547]

well said bro 💯

[@canis556]

Also I think as a secure being with unsecure, it's gonna make you more unsecure as well, no other way around

[@eppsislike]

That depends on your frame. If you have a weak frame, tou will succumb as the secure one and it will showcase that you're not yet as secure as how you think.

[@bencefedorko719]

I understand what you say. You give her space and time. she disappears for 2 months and doesn't even look for you, no interest. Is that a normal, healthy relationship? Not to mention the sex... You can't give that much patience to anyone and get nothing in return but humiliation. Not to mention that she'll push you away again... Do you always play this game with her? It's a toxic thing, as much as it hurts, you give up on yourself..

[@Jen-K-2024]

Have you ever confronted her in a text and she doesn't reply to any of it?

[@marvinsulzer8258]

Here is the best advice that none of these KZbinrs will give but is the best advice. If you’re dating a DA… dump them, file for divorce or just leave them. They are damaged and will never fix themselves as long as you’re enabling them by staying. If you are interested in a dismissive avoidant. RUN!

[@AquariusSun87]

True. These people need to be by themselves and heal

[@walkertranger5746]

Anxious - I disagree. It’s normal to have open communication and transparency and convey feelings and talk through things when in a relationship. Yes you are right She literally told me on many occasions that she felt inadequate and unworthy of my love .

[@sooshionfire]

Thank you so much. I needed this right now.

[@MrT9303]

Damn, makes sense. Only realising now that I've been dealing with an avoidant. I apologized for my mistakes and gave her space when she started pulling back.

[@cbeavers83]

Wow! This video is spot on for my situation.

[@Kykashi671]

I found you on tik tok, your videos help me in my current situation with a friend, so I’m learning everything I can to better understand our attachment styles and it has helped tremendously. Thanks brotha

[@spvcecxwbxy]

Needed this thank you

[@MG-gq2rs]

Oh man!!! You just explained my situation perfectly coach!!! 😢 I realised that I am have anxious attachment style but only because I didn’t understand his seeming lack of response.

[@joansandeen9443]

Just what i needed, the solution i wanted so badly. Thank you, very practicle!!

[@Sonika377]

Thank you for coming to you tube channel ! Your videos are so helpful ! and also your voice carries a calming way of explaining things that helps with my present anxiety..Thank your healing words, soft voice and trying to make us understand this complex attachment ❤ He went from great communication, to having anxious behavior to leaving for a job and stop all communication , ghosted me and blocked me ...😢 I havent reach to him and I wont .. One part still in love with the man we spent timeless hours together and getting along great ( besides all our issues ) to being a stranger and never reaching out ...He split my heart in half and crushed me ...I am listening with my brain, but my heart❤ wonders ... I keep working in my healing everyday...I know it takes time ...😢 Thank you for being in You tube !! Sending light to those who are going through painful moments ..❤

[@paulfitzpatrick6566]

Avoidant women are emotionally damaged beyond repair. Have known a few ( far more than men - 99 to 1 ). Some childhood trauma not dealt with & never will be. Never got involved with them, never will. No contact rule comes in here, if she pulls away, Sayonara.

[@OfficialGundem]

I'm a fearful avoidant and I messed up with a couple of friends and felt the need to pull away and unfairly tested them where they didn't give me any reassurance. Truth was I guess I was scared of abandonment so I tried to abandon them first. But also they don't have secure attachment styles and little incongruencies here and there triggered me and I wasn't able to communicate that to them in a healthy way. I tried to apologize before I was fully ready and they refused to have a conversation and they've decided to stonewall me. Not sure how I feel or what I should do now. I want to encourage a conversation but it's hard in this situation if only one party is willing to talk. I realized I did something similar with my ex. I regret it and wish I did better and I want to fix this but I'm struggling to find out how and people don't want to try and understand.

[@montesmontes]

you're putting in the effort and I think you should give yourself a lot of credit for that. you can never be sure that things are reparable, all you can do is try your best to be a better person and hopefully learn from your past mistakes. definitely have some empathy for yourself!

[@nineangels7572]

I'm secure. I took several tests. He's an avoidant & I'm learning out to understand & deal with him. It's worth it to me. I love this video, it's crystal clear. Thank you.

[@a.d.b535]

Good luck.

[@marektuma2774]

If only there was more people like you in comments❤ Wish you luck:)

[@ParisianStreets]

Perfect so well articulated. And easy to follow steps. Thank you. Scripts would help alot what to say to them when we are having a convo when they come back. Instead of blowing up and releasing the stored up lava.

[@kencarey6483]

Did they come back

[@ParisianStreets]

@@kencarey6483 yes

[@user-rr6yg1er2o]

What if you are married to one? One minute we are good then I see the withdrawal. Now we are separated he left and came back home. He said I can’t give you what you need. After 23 years, It seems like he is having a mid life crisis.

[@anandanabila8439]

When he pulls away leave him forever ❤

[@eppsislike]

To all the FA's working on themselves, props 💪🏽 To all the people dealing with an FA, if youbtruly love them, be a leader and handle the situation. Not only will it help the FA, it will elevate you in ways you cant even imagine. Dumping them is you not seeing the bigger picture. Love conquers all. Do the work.

[@jayhorne283]

Wow this is good.

[@Synthminator]

Its such a mess. Was having a good time with one and after seeing a couple of concerts together where it seemed to me that things were progressing along, just silence. I chased, I confessed that I missed who she had been sometime before and got the "Im confused, I self sabotage" text. Should have stayed away but I stayed in the FZ for a couple of months. No more, been no contact for 2 weeks. Its like waking up from a spell.

[@jenbodhi1133]

I nearly got sucked in too, 3 month relationship- he sabotaged a couple days ago and instead of asking questions or chasing him I just said “ ok, wish the best for you” and then haven’t said another word, I’m bored and tired of this garbage. He can be all sad and traumatized all he wants, but he’s not doing this on my time, my life was way worse than his and I’m not out here pulling this sh*t

[@aidan34i56]

Didn’t watch the video, but the answer is simple, if they avoid you, you avoid them.

[@walkertranger5746]

How about If you are a dismissive /fearful avoidant get help and avoid us normal people that know how to love

[@moncilu]

So true 😂

[@jenbodhi1133]

Exactly, who has time for this

[@malaprop4156]

Rather than tiptoeing around them and hoping for a connection, which has every chance of emotionally devastating you again, you could just leave. You could try to find someone who will match your energy & effort, who will be your safe space, offering you stability & support, instead of the emotional rolleroaster nightmare avoidants pull you into.

[@barbarabassino7497]

A paradox. They frighten abandon but you cannot say you won't abandon them. If you are more sicure they will surely fell more insicure... what to do then?

[@TheMallyjoe]

To bad people can’t grow up and fix themselves.

[@nancye2000]

Am I entitled to reach out if the guy I was seeing for more than 4 years suddenly pulled away and it’s been 3 months? Or I should just move on without even knowing why he pulled away? So frustrating…

[@joev7014]

3 months pulled away??? He has spoken to you? He doesn’t wanna see you? That’s not an avoidant. That’s a guy who clearly isn’t interested

[@cherrylane79]

@@joev7014 Fearful avoidants can disappear for months, because they disconnect.

[@joeb5578]

Wow. That's something else. It probably couldn't hurt. If he left without saying goodbye then he doesn't deserve it. Might make it worse for you. Let him reach out to you. It's the best way. Work on yourself. Hit the gym, hang around with you gf's, etc. Give it some time. I've been through it.

[@hellehagness3983]

Yeah- thats what he said- I cant give you what you need- I responded- I don’t know what I need either😂 so hence the confusion

[@angelam.e.richardson3501]

You say hold back until they initiate contact with you again. What if they don't? And 'having a discussion'. What would that entail?

[@nancye2000]

I want to know that too. How long is acceptable to wait or just realize they’re not coming back at all?

[@alanrodriguez210]

@@nancye2000 I think the 'acceptable' measure is simply how long you are willing to wait on a personal level. We anxious people have a huge problem trying to find answers to our own problems in other people, when we should decide this kind of thing ourselves.

[@jessicahitchens6926]

Lose the HOPE. It's over that's how you deal with it. Unacceptable behaviour to be dealing with in the long run.

[@Jen-K-2024]

I'm here right now. I confronted him in a text 2 days ago. He saw it and hasn't replied since. I don't tend to message til he does. But I fear he won't ever text back.

[@Jen-K-2024]

​@alanrodriguez210 This is my problem. I'm anxious. Waiting for a reply from 2 days ago when I confronted him in a text. He saw text and no reply. Now my anxiety is bad and depression waiting if he ever will get back to me. It hurts so bad

[@Barbarossa21]

I have been keep texting and pressure him like for 3 or 4 times when he wanted some space. What is my chances to get him back coach. He did not block me yet but did not respond any of my messages. I really need help and hope :(

[@Dolce-Rose]

uuffffff the perfect match for a massive disaster . Life’s a beautiful Gift from GOD to waisted with wrong person. Just let them go.

[@jenbodhi1133]

Agreed, just keep walking and let them learn the hard way

[@Jen-K-2024]

I think my guy is an Avoidant. He tends to change the subject when we are texting each other and he will switch it to himself. Mosty all the bad things happening to him or he will say hes in pain or not feeling well. Or he wont even reply to a text i send him. 2 days ago i texted him how im noticing thing's. I told him im tired of hurting and that i can tell he doesmt want to see me or call me anymore. That there's always something bad happening. I know he saw the text and isnt replying. Which he does when i confront him. He will either never message me back or message me back days later and will be like nothing ever was said. 8 beautiful months. Then 9 months of being distant. His mom did get sick with cancer last summer 2023. She moved in with him and he took care of her. She died January 2024 in his apartment. So i know hes hurting. I wonder if he will ever message me again after confronting him in a text ??

[@kingaberlakovich5585]

Can it take 2-3 weeks for them to come around again? That’s not logical. If they fear loosing me, and I show that this won’t happen, they pull away???

[@jenbodhi1133]

There’s nothing you can do, they’ll just keep doing this and masking your life hell until you can’t take it anymore and leave

[@philipramsden4975]

2-3 weeks? Try 3 months. She came back apologizing and after a few texts back and forth she disappeared again. Back to giving her space and doing my thing. 🤷

[@Ytdeletesallmycomments]

Whatever you do if they are gone you have lost. For good.

[@Scientology-The-Big-Lie]

But how do you know they are not a covert narcissist?

[@kagwinjeri]

Since it's on a spectrum they might be.

[@hellehagness3983]

Avoidants have warmth- narcs are cold as hell, try crying- it’s a test

[@Jen-K-2024]

​@@hellehagness3983what to you mean Try crying? I remember tearing up on a video call and he hung up. I called back and asked why he did that. He said it hurt him to see me cry and couldn't deal seeing me that way.

[@Ytdeletesallmycomments]

Avoidants dont care if you cry too. They are covert narcs

[@themoonbleu627]

No, as in that avoidant, I don’t feel like the partner is too good for me. I feel like the partner is disposable, but the partner is usually really good top-tier but in my mind, partner being disposable, makes me feel better about losing them push pushing them away, going silent, whatever the case big but in all honesty if we were healed, we wouldn’t even be attracted to that partner anyway because usually that partner has low self-esteem, they don’t even see their own because if they had higher self saying they wouldn’t put up with any behaviors that avoid it does that’s why two avoidance usually don’t go together because nobody’s gonna be putting up with that nonsense.

[@phild8192]

It’s interesting reading the comments. They are very anxious preoccupied. I think you all missed the point of this video, which is absolutely correct.

[@kencarey6483]

What if they don’t come back ?

[@AquariusSun87]

Life goes on if they do. Your life is whole with or without them

[@costaspaximadas7556]

Then that's it. But your chances of he/she coming back assuming he/she is an avoidant is far better if you just don't chase them. The avoid when you get close/pursue. Not logical but it isn't logic we are dealing here with...

[@Ytdeletesallmycomments]

Good riddens. Piece and time to heal

[@a.d.b535]

I'm the GF, so while he's away for days to weeks, may I date someone else?

[@Ytdeletesallmycomments]

Just block him. And than date.

[@angelinahunter182]

Excellent information but the next time the mirrored sunglasses have to go! Makes me think that Coach Ryan is not comfortable one to one (and that may not be at all true.)

[@museoflove8255]

Do avoidants fall in love at all?

[@Ytdeletesallmycomments]

Themselfs 😂😂

[@TheMallyjoe]

Why even bother gees

[@sethtenrec]

Simplistic and somewhat dangerous advice due to that.

[@user-ck6ly4st3v]

Oh yes, I abandoned him, a self fulfilling prophecy. And I'm done with him. I'm a feminine woman and I don't chase. A true feminine never chases. I felt disrespected and betrayed so I cut off all contact. I hadn't intended it to be permanent, but it actually is now. He's the farthest thing from what i want or would even accept. A masculine who is toxic and gjves me nothing but disrespect and betrayal? You best believe I dropped him like a hot potato. I'm not taking him back.