What Traits Is The Dismissive Avoidant Most Attracted To? | Dismissive Avoidant Attachment

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In this video, Thais Gibson talks about what traits the dismissive avoidant attachment style is most attracted to, as well as what drives attraction.
As a dismissive avoidant attachment style or a partner of one, what are some specific traits you are most attracted to compared to others for your ideal partner and relationship?
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:00:55 - What Drives Attraction?
00:03:37 - Trait #1: Supportive
00:04:57 - Trait #2: Warmth & Caring
00:05:33 - 14-Day Trial: Shadow Work Course
00:06:32 - Trait #3: Selfless
00:07:16 - Healthy Trait Integration
00:10:20 - 14-Day Trial: Shadow Work Course
00:10:44 - Conclusion
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel, and thank you for stopping by!
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[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

As a Dismissive Avoidant, do these ring true? Would you add any others to your list?

[@blackjay5338]

Yes, the the 3 traits are things I'm attracted to. I think I'm more of an FA leaning DA. There is a woman who has been giving me signals, and I find her very physically attractive, but I perceive she may be high maintenance - having a different love language than I - and that scares me. I can also relate to the feeling of being very caring starting to turn into a boundary encroachment. Great insights! Helpful for me to think about as I embark on finding a new partner.

[@roshalllambert]

I would say openness is another trait that can be added here. Although after becoming secure my list has changed, now I would say being a direct communicator is the most attractive trait for me now.

[@southerncharms3314]

Since the conversation has turned to why some people are attracted to DAs, let me tell you what I learned in therapy. I am a textbook FA ( AP and FA.). Do a deep dive into why one becomes a FA. In my case, my father was emotionally unavailable. As the head of the house, you did things his way or suffer the consequences and he never took his children's feelings into consideration. Sound familiar? The way a DA behaves is normal behavior for me. In some odd subconscious way, if I can get a DA to love me, then I will feel deserving of love. I'm trying to fix my father. If I can do that, then I will feel I'm worthy of love. There's one big problem there . . . you can't fix a DA. If this whole attachment theory had come out 30 years ago, it would've saved me from a LOT of pain.

[@cachectin23]

As a DA, I am attracted to supportive people. It is incorrect to say that DAs are universally not supportive. I've been very supportive of prior partners at my own expense because I have a lot of people-pleasing qualities. The disconnection from emotions is very accurate, but in my experience, this does not equate with being unsupportive. Consistency is much more critical than selflessness. I value independence also, more than people throwing themselves under the bus to please me. I am not used to people doing things for me or caring authentically, so when they do something small for me, it makes a massive impact. Honesty is also important, as well as no game playing. I hate games and being tested, as I value people being who they are. Finally, I have never gone cold or pulled away from someone I cared about. I tend to stick with partners until I can no longer handle the bad relationships I get into due to my developmental trauma. If anything, I have gotten myself into.

[@kwyatt261]

I would say these things ring true for me. I am good at sabotaging relationships by using my resentment for myself to become jealous of a supportive, caring partner when she is naturally selfless and caring towards other people in her life.

[@CommandoMaster]

I think the main reason that someone stays with a DA is because they fell for the DA's initial affection towards them. DAs are usually very charming, fun, and hot for u in the beginning. But then the DA starts pulling away/goes cold on u for no real reason. So, the partner of the DA is constantly trying to regain that initial attraction by being with them, hoping one day the DA will change, and go back to what they were in the beginning.

[@blueaqua2122]

Yup, I hate hearing people tell me how I was attracted to DA because of their dismissive traits. NO! I was attracted to a person who was vulnerable, treated me like I mattered and prioritized spending time with me. They started behaving dismissive later and I stayed trying to figure out what the heck happened and how to get back to how things were before.

[@ambivalent5842]

This sounds just like stage one narc, love bomb stage. Second being devaluing.

[@joeflores174]

Exactly what happened to me. A month of love bombing, treated me like I was her everything, telling me that she normally doesn’t feel like this for a person. Then out of the blue she was completely cold, tried to put me in the friend zone. I stood my ground and told her I wouldn’t accept her friendship and was only interested in a romantic relationship. Well unfortunately that worked, and I proceeded to spend the next year with her on an emotional roller coaster, me always trying to rekindle what we initially had, never quite getting there, until she finally discarded me. So yeah, I learned my lesson, no more DAs for this guy.

[@mzbelovednycole]

Yup, you nailed it!

[@jacopofbargellini4005]

@@ambivalent5842 no, narc are lovebombing, DA are just charming and attractive but they NEVER do lovebombing. Beside narc love drama while DA refuse drama even in the beginning. DA eventually dont devaluate you, they just widraw and become not available but without devaluating you. definitely two different things

[@adspeed7292005]

More than one therapist has told me Don't bother with emotionally unavailable people. It's not our job to change them. They need to do the work themselves, via therapy, spiritual development, or whatever else.

[@Inkironnrum]

Your, or whoever’s therapist is absolutely correct. A friendship bond with a person who is emotional unavailable is as far as it gets with them. But not always. In some cases a friendship with this type of individual may not be consistent. EU people prefer their connection with others to be on their terms. I know, because I am one of them. In my case, becoming EU is a choice I made this year, in order to separate myself from entering into another (and there have been many) controlling and abusive relationship. Long story. What I have endured within the past nine years steered me to where I am at, today. I am emotionally drained. At this time in my life, I have drawn closer to Jesus Christ, His spirit, and further away from the need or desire to be in a physical relationship with a woman. I am completely at peace. My career delves deeply within the Alzheimer’s community. My empathy, compassion and patience with each and every person I care for is authentic. And when I come home, all I want to do is write, read, and spend time with the few people with whom I consider-family. There is so much more to my story. But for now, let’s just say, escaping from being emotionally available is a conscious choice I am content with.

[@GotoMaki4Micah]

you should also do that with narcissists. peopel have a lot of baggage. tons of abuse that they have or haven't come to terms with. every relationship will need therapy at some point. there isnt enough money or therapists to go around. stay single.

[@dawnaustin2385]

Same as not dealing with someone who doesn’t know how to handle emotions such as Anxious Preoccupied

[@sherriflemming3218]

. What relationship you choose is your own business. I'm an SA.and interested in emotionally healthy. However most people have a default attachment. That's a fact. Avoidant attachments, don't work for me. There is truth in opposites will repel each other. It depends on to what degree of the attachment spectrum someone is. The most important relationship you'll ever have is with yourself. Single is a choice as well. We cannot judge anyone that we don't know well. Discernment is key. Character, disposition and behaviors. Compatibility is shared core values emotional maturity and a blendable lifestyle. Good communication and relationship skills. Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix 8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman If The Budda Dated by Charlotte Kasi Safe People by Henry Cloud The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker

[@nateo200]

I'm avoidant but I work REALLY REALLY hard on it but let me tell you that without fail every girl that was ultra attracted to me when I was most avoidant was EXTREMELY unhealthy and usually a fearful avoidant but occasionally another avoidant would get stuck to me like glue....in the latter case we usually slowly grew distant. When I am more secure attachment style I still have times where I get distant and I will voice that and tell my partner the reason and what gets me to open up and be more secure is "I get it" not a dismissive response. i get what you mean but its not all avoidants.

[@karencoleman6800]

Attractive to the things the DA is missing &/or have repressed. -Supportive -Warm & Caring -Selflessness

[@art_herway]

you just described all of me haha

[@nitacollins3645]

didnt help,because later they want the opposite.

[@taakw]

😃

[@jarrelldaniel27]

This is why she keeps coming back to me after her withdrawals of silence for a week. But it doesn’t explain why she tries to force me to be a selfish, quiet, unapproachable person when we’re together

[@howtosober]

"#3 Selfless" that's hilarious since DAs are fundamentally self-involved and don't reciprocate. All the selflessness was burnt out of me by my past DA relationships. I'll never accept that dynamic in my life again.

[@CristianaCatolica]

AMEN!

[@chuck3999]

Have you ever asked why they might be selfless? In childhood, the DA was a caretaker, which was concerned about how others often felt. Since, no one ever asked him what he felt or thought about things. He did this out of fear of rejection, so he became someone who lost his true identity, by forfeiting his right to be loved and truly exist. He grew up in a environment where everthing was conditional based on the needs of the parent. Now comes the time, where begings to realize he never had any kind of childhood. He's left with a real desire to be intimate in a loving relationship. Unfortunately, he has unresolved issues from childhood where upon getting close brings up trust, abandonment, and being suffocated or engulfed. Those are the defenses in which require someone who has the capacity to be empathetic and non judgemental. The world we live in does not allow for this behavior. Most people don't care much for or take time out to sense the sadness and lonliness of such a individual. Bottom line is he needs to take ownership and realize the challenges he up against. Most therapies don't address or simply do not have the expertise to deal with it.

[@PassionateFlower]

I matched with someone 5 years ago on a dating app and we talked and he acted all polite and civil but basically blew me off because he "just got out of a long term relationship", and "doesn't want anything serious" aka be held accountable for any of his actions, and then we rematched online years later and he was ecstatic to hear from me then went on about "just getting out of another long term relationship" and "only looking for casual for now" with the "possibility" of it leading to more "down the road"! 🤣I only re-matched to see what his piss poor excuse for lack of commitment was 5 years later and it was the exact same one! Blocked!

[@jamisonryon3009]

Seems like dude was pretty forthright with you. Maybe you’re not his style long term gf, but he wouldn’t mind a hookup. That’s often what someone is conveying in a situation like yours. Idk

[@carolinelpd7016]

My partner said that initially (he’d just been in a LTR) and so I called it off, kindly and with as much understanding as I could because he’s genuinely a good and kind person and I believed that wholly - but he came back. We’ve been together officially 18 months, I feel like some people just move slowly. The hard part for me was staying focussed on me and my needs without pushing or pulling. When I ended it, it was with all sincerity and I truly wanted the best for both of us. I even said I thought he needed to be single and have those experiences and I wanted that for him, but I also wanted someone that was here for me in the way I needed and that we both deserved what we wanted. It was in that moment he said that he realised how much he’d miss me, and although we had to move slowly he was prepared to give it a go. He’s actually really on board now, when I’m anxious he’s just so sweet and supportive. I feel safe expressing all my quirky sides, but I also do my very best to self soothe as much as possible. I guess I feel like, the more I’ve worked on turning up for myself and just letting him in (rather than turning to partners as the fix) things fell into place. He is avoidant, but once he felt safe he relaxed more. He wants to open up it’s just he doesn’t always think to. If I ask him anything now he’ll answer even if he needs to think on it.

[@ds37215]

​@@jamisonryon3009 then he should leave people alone who want a relationship altogether, rather than breadcrumbing them by pretending he may be open to something down the road or when healed. He was not forthright. He was dodgy and manipulative. Your comment is gaslighting.

[@leakypussy9813]

atleast you never had to actually deal with him. like someone said yeah he was forthright but how did he always manage to end up in relationship with someone else? dont look for love online.

[@markgarcia8253]

Seems like he was trying to ask you to Hook Up without getting kicked off the app 😂 Guys aren’t looking for wives on apps 🤡

[@kulturfreund6631]

When you dismiss your needs, you‘ll be attracted to the people who also dismiss your needs. 😍😂

[@dawnaustin2385]

Definitely not!

[@EK-im5wr]

I dismiss my own needs, and YES, I am attracted to people that don’t make to much fuss over me, and won’t smother me.

[@aurinkobay7118]

​@@EK-im5wrsame what I am noticing in myself

[@abigailcosta1716]

Yes and no... I think us Avoidants want a partner but we also want to be our own person. We need the "otherness" of the other; we want someone who doesn't become codependent and put that kind of pressure to fulfill all their needs; we want SPACE. Space to long for you and miss you🖤... and maybe having to work a tiny bit for your affection, since you give it SO unconditionally that it makes us think you're less valuable, when you're actually wonderful! Give us space and we'll give you love, and then we BOTH can become "Securely Attached". 🙄

[@anja7787]

I AM SO GLAD You started using the words EMOTIONALLY unavailable!!! Like DA is the correct psych term, but emotionally unavailable is the OG way of saying it :)

[@ramonaneyrinck2292]

I’ve totally been wondering if dismissive avoidant is another term for emotionally unavailable. Now I have my answer thank goodness

[@BEAUPREx]

Any insecure attachement style are emotionally unvailable, not only da.

[@TheCoffeeCat]

They are attracted to the type of person they will abandon later on.

[@onnol917]

Yes. Crave for love but can not handle how unfamiliar it is and how uncomfortable it makes them feel. That wich they fell in love with you for will also be why they leave you.

[@uniquedavenport]

Lol not funny but funny 🤣 so true

[@DeemMeBeautiful]

Bingo!!!!!!

[@gd3598]

i think that's true, but I also feel there is a component that kicks in of "oh Shi*" I'm going to mess this up bad so I have to bail asap. It seems like a light switch of Love turning to intense fear overnight, that points them to an immediate exit for "self preservation" or to "not hurt" their partner. No matter what, it is the most confusing, hurtful thing I have ever experienced and I'm 56 and this happened to me in 2022...still a mess over it.

[@mgn1621]

They will reject you before you reject them.

[@roshalllambert]

I loved the point bout how certain things things we can be attracted to at first can turn into resentment, that was an interesting point! Also shadow work course helps a lot with this!!

[@kingtutsirai994]

yeah coz then most DA's look at themselves and see they aint shit

[@lisa4cohen]

Omg yes .. the laid backness was epic and so attractive to me and then turned into his lack of effortness… so validating to hear from you

[@SS-cs3cn]

Totally agree!!

[@worldwidechubbyguy2.018]

I have a dismissive avoidant partner who''ll be on an OJT so I won't be seeing him in almost a year. He told me that it's okay for me to date other people while he is away HAHAHAHAHAHA damn. I think why DAs tend to get attracted to people who are selfless is because in that way they do not need to put on effort to their partner. They will always take the easiest route and 99% of the time without even discussing it to their partners. To the APs it will seem as neglect (so APs would have to express in a way that the DA will not shut down or divert, oh yes more work but let's save it for a different story) but to the DAs they misconstrue it to be beneficial to BOTH of them when in fact it will just be (emotionally and mentally) beneficial ONLY to themselves. Also another, because they are used to attending only to themselves (which is maybe ironically also selfless in their mind because they don't ask for help ever), seeing their partner giving their all to them and others will make them feel "less" because they feel like they have nothing else to offer. But when the APs tell them what their needs are, its those needs that the APs cannot give anyway (which is, ugh, emotinal connection), plus the DAs will think the partner is clingy. The APs must learn to make their emotional needs something that is tangible enough that the DAs can actually DO or provide. Short story is it will all lead to dissappointment unless there really is an expectations of what the DA can give and that the AP (or any partner) will receive.

[@jalynlunt6179]

This is very thoughtfully put

[@TheGalilee416]

Really well spelled out. Regardless of anyone's Attachment Style, it's best to just avoid the DA. It sounds cold and harsh, but it will save you a lot of heartache in the end.

[@msgirl01]

Wow that's really good! Thanks!

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

Very good point about integrating those traits in the relationship with yourself, because I've found through experience too that the traits that were initially attractive to a person then become scary because it's outside of their comfort zone :)

[@spencerirving3192]

Sounds so true Iv met an ap who said she is bits ov an fa/da depending on who she's with all thou I see the da mostly that was 12mths ago she loved how open and honest iwas at frist now its a massive problem which means resolving problems coming up wen she becomes insecure is a challenge to say the least had know idea about attachment styles until she told me 11mths later 😂 done a few tests came back as secure leaning anxious 🤦‍♂️

[@lb14068]

Really helpful to understand DA's views on selflessness. This definitely happened within my last relationship. He liked my kindness and the way I was emotionally literate, but then he got irritated by it and now I understand why. Also great food for thought about the traits I am attracted to and need to integrate into myself. Thank you, very enlightening.

[@presidentamanda7468]

I’m never doing an emotionally unavailable man again. This guy had no interest in going deep with me, wouldn’t look at me, wouldn’t talk about issues, but had no problem integrating me into his family with his young children. Then blind sided me with a break up. I thought eventually he’d warm up more but no he just became ice cold and left me.

[@LitBroBeats]

Damn that sucks

[@miraclestivender651]

​​@@LitBroBeats I understand what you were going through. I'm in therapy now that hot and cold behavior was not cool not knowing where stand with them etc. This is why I'm dating myself. People like to play to many games.

[@GetYourShineOn]

One thing I do know is that after dating a DA, I won’t ever waste my time with another. They sucked the life out of me. They all just need to be alone and dismiss everyone for the rest of their lives until they heal the part that makes them dismissive & become more secure.

[@Flokoli1]

Thank you so much for these encouraging words

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Hey try and speak on your own experience and not "they all". We are all battling with different things and its disempowering to hear you aren't worthy of connection and should just stay alone. These are humans you're talking about with childhood trauma.

[@Flokoli1]

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool I'm very grateful for all these videos you made on the DA attachment style as I stumbled upon them only very recently and they help me realize and connect the dots on why I'm the way I am. I do feel like the people leaving comments like this have been genuinely and deeply hurt by DA's behavior which explains the heavy resentment transpiring, but I have to be honest they made me go through some kind of deep depression last week as I was scrolling under one video. It crushed my willingness of getting better and seeking relationships because feeling like I'm bound to hurt and scar people close to me anyway

[@mozejacobs1069]

What if the opposite were true? That having the courage to investigate and the empathy to see the pain these relationships cause will allow you to successfully work on your own patterns and gradually learn to trust enough to open up.... Don't give up! I cannot blame the DA I love for hurting me, nor do I want to. The hurt was in me, buried deeply since early childhood. Am grateful it has come to light so I can focus on healing my young, exiled parts.

[@Ryan-yg7zc]

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool this is really true. I just spent 4 years with an avoidant person and yes it was excruciating and I noticed when i was in a bad place emotionally I would blame her and be angry like the person in the original post but then as I heal and feel more stable I find myself feeling really sorry for her and understand she is doing her best given what happened to her in childhood (so exactly the same as me we just found different coping strategies). Ultimately the relationship is the ultimate invitation to growth but yes its seriously the most painful experience of my life asI really did and still love her deeply.

[@TinaSellsLasVegas]

When people show you who they are believe them.

[@LeeJones-wk7xv]

I disagree, I can come across either anxious or avoidant, but can become a secure partner. I tend to bounce off of what the other person is giving me at first.

[@wendydaniel1110]

Rather be single and healthy than be with a DA and be "dazed and always confused"

[@DaveE99]

The other problem is the anxious patterns too, at a subconcious level they also fear intimacy because they don’t have a good mental map for how to predict it so it’s uncertain and thus avoided. The avoidant has a subconcious fear of being abandoned

[@anzelaiv]

Thank you for breaking this down, so insightful!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You're welcome!

[@mariata-8177]

Everything this woman says is so insightful

[@linanndlima7599]

These traits describe an empath. The proverbial moth to a flame.

[@karinteeples9715]

Empaths are often abuse victims with BPD traits. Abused by a Narc parent or some loved one. So guess who they are are attracted to?? DAs who will dismiss all of their needs and groom them to believe that they deserve abuse and neglect. Empaths get serious emotional healing. Stop the cycle.

[@celestialgoddess2]

Thank you !!! Thank you SO MUCH for this beautiful explanation of why ignoring the initial most red flags will turn out to be Achilles heel of the relationship !!

[@HustleHabit]

Trait 3 is kinda brilliant. Makes a lot of sense. Good job, Thais

[@jain3484]

I really believe I’m an FA leaning dismissive mostly, althought I did lean anxious especially with more dismissive individuals. It’s hard because I can see both sides and yet not remain in either for too long, but it also inspires me to have a well-rounded understanding of all attachment styles.

[@kingtutsirai994]

you are a walking red flag.

[@aaliyahallen7815]

Same, my ex was a DA and I understood his behavior sometimes, but when I was leaning more to the affectionate/vulnerable side he didnt know how to deal with it and would act extremely cold

[@adamfindlay7091]

This is pretty in depth, nice for a change.

[@Dionysus667]

This was a particularly helpful episode. 👍

[@casasdomundo]

Perfect from start to end!! Thank you! ❤

[@peacefulminds101]

I enjoy with this video, keep up the excellent work, and please know that you are making a positive impact on people's lives with your content.

[@aubriecoughlan391]

As a DA.. I’m reading a lot of nasty and hateful comments here. We do not choose to be DA’s… it’s a struggle for us too, especially those of us that are aware of our issues and are trying to get better. It’s a constant battle and argument within my own head to fight the dismissive thoughts, and as my partner says “stay here”. I understand that most of the nasty comments here are due to people being hurt or abandoned by a DA, but saying things like “they cannot be saved” or “don’t waste you’re time” is just plain nasty.

[@JS-pn5cn]

I think it’s more directed toward the DAs who aren’t trying.

[@DEmersonJMFM]

Everyone deserves support on their journey, especially if you're aware of your issues and are trying to get better. Hearing the actually struggles of DAs can be heartbreaking when they describe their struggles and how hard it is to overcome the unconscious parts of them. Those comments are extremely hurtful (even from someone who's more AP working on themselves), basically saying no one should try or do what they can to do basics like being a friend or wishing they can find/show love with themselves and others. Yes, the insecure types can hurt each other (I believe unintentional for the most part), but we should try to understand each perspective in addition to growing ourselves.

[@NM-zn5yr]

I wish there was a way to contact you, Aubrie. I am anxious style, my boyfriend is a DA, and as a woman I honestly can’t understand how a woman can be a DA when women are the ones who normally want commitment and safety. I think if I can understand how a woman can be a DA, then I’d have an easier time understanding my boyfriend more deeply, and not take his behavior personally. Also, how does a DA open up to the idea of change? What needs to happen for him to understand that’s important?

[@bettychi5021]

@@DEmersonJMFM but DA's disconnect, dismiss, act aloof and reject people which is what is so extremely hurtful.

[@lookouthill11]

It can be helpful to see these negative judgements as a reaction toward the behavior itself not the actual person. Everyone has a right to condemn hurtful behavior and walk away from it no questions asked.

[@MIMIDSH]

Him: I have a history of bad relationships with bossy, controlling women. Also him: you're the most wonderful woman I've ever been with, so feminine and genuine and loving and soft. Also him: I'm dumping you. See you around. Also him: (overlapped our relationship with a bossy, controlling woman)

[@karinteeples9715]

DAs want dysfunctional insecure Borderline Personality Disorder chicks. These 2 traits are yin and yang.

[@amyiseman8430]

Good information here! Thank you 🙏❤

[@rebeccaconn389]

This was very helpful and informative … thank you.

[@Sarafara7]

Very interesting! I believe my attraction to my DA is how relaxed he is while I, as an AP, am the opposite of relaxed. 😂 I’ve been doing yoga and meditation to help combat my overthinking, stressing and anxiety. I would love to see another video of what a traits APs are attracted to. Thank you!

[@landajimmy]

Any childhood trauma you have not overcome?

[@Gbb93]

Nobody needs a video in APs . They aren’t hard to figure out. They’re an open book. But they’re attracted to emotionally unavailable types because it feeds their need to chase validation

[@bettychi5021]

@@Gbb93 how is someone being with a DA validation? DA's are Not validation! Also, i have Never seen an AP chase a DA, but i have seen DA's initiate with AP's!

[@DEmersonJMFM]

Trait integration between the attachments isn't something I really thought about. Solid point.

[@firstnamelastname-ve9gj]

These videos are excellent. Thank you for your teachings

[@showboat92]

This is so informative and spot on. I experienced most of this from a DA

[@nino_94]

Perfect insight, thank you very much

[@pure-pisces9980]

Exactly...draws u in...for their needs, then when to much (for them) the other is disregarded/...left thinking WTF!! WTF HAPPENED?? Its truly selfish, cruel & excruciating!!!😢

[@purplepheasant4776]

Why don't others ever need a break?

[@musicalmemories8975]

The thing about D.A is that they do not see anything wrong with themselves and will not make an effort to get help so you just have to leave them be and most you can do is pray for them.

[@chuck3999]

Where's all this help your suggesting? What kind help do you think would be best for such an individual?

[@mgn1621]

@@chuck3999 therapy to heal their core wounds and learn relationship/communication skills

[@zaram131]

Exactly! I tried for years to make it work with him but in the end he betrayed me, so it was a huge waste of time and left deep wounds in me that might never heal!

[@jjames2162]

Thais you are doing a wonderful job giving tools understanding and awareness to those who have endured unhealthy relationships with DAs. This will help others be able to identify these patterns of behavior and gain a deeper understanding of themselves and their experience so that they can be proactive and advocate for their own well being Nice job

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

thank you!

[@katieandnick4113]

You gotta go DA on their ass. The only way to have a relationship with a DA is to play games. If you show any signs of “neediness”, meaning you show that you care for them, they can’t handle it. When you show that you don’t care, they flip to FA/AP real quick.

[@Inkironnrum]

I recently discovered my inability to be emotional available, thereafter, questioning myself why. I was never like this. Prior to this year, I was completely stable in terms of emotional availability and driven with commitment. The kind of a relationship where I could safely be 100% transparent with my significant other. However, the ugly experiences I found myself in with narcissistic woman led me to shut down completely. At this point I will not play games, lead someone on, or look at their attachment level as alarming. That is because I will not allow myself to be in this position in the first place. Recently, there was a woman who shared her interest to take our friendship to an intimate relationship. My response was, no. As of today, her and I haven’t spoken to one another for one month. I’m okay with our time apart. Saddened by our friendship potentially ending. May I also include, she is in a committed relationship. A mess I’m not willing to add onto my emotional stability.

[@bizarrebroz3424]

Or maybe just leave and find someone you actually get along with?

[@donschlegel1972]

You’re putting out a lot of information there which is great. Thank you so much It was hard to listen. I’m not that quick with fast talk

[@chuck3999]

The kinds of relationships that a DA attracts are similar to the parents he had growing up. Until the DA becomes aware that he has a right to be loved, only then he will see himself in a different light.

[@bettychi5021]

@chuck3999 not true! what kinds of relationships do DA's have, and what is your attachment style?1) it wasn't supportive, 2)it wasn't warm and caring, and 3)it wasn't selfless so...

[@Kaylaalovee18]

currently having a breakdown(bpd..) and i opened this video yelling "DONT TELL ME" at thais and her thumbnail cause ik who it will relate to

[@roberttruman8444]

Knowing how the majority of DA's aren't self aware and are reluctant to do therapy to become secure, are they just as unlikely to successfully integrate the repressed traits later on in a relationship? How can their partner continue in that case to show up in such a ways that keeps the DA's attraction? Do they need to work on developing new traits over time? That would be people pleasing taken to the excess.

[@seapeajones]

Some of us figure it out. I was fortunate enough to meet a good model or 2. Discovering attachment theory was something of a game changer

[@seqkatwinn2766]

Grear video, thank you. Can you share a video on what traits the FA needs to integrate into their self-love, so that we know what they are to do so? Thank you, so much. 😇

[@rustyshimstock8653]

Thanks!

[@lauraschleifer4721]

Wow, the part about DAs being attracted to selflessness, but then repelled by it later on, is really interesting. Question: is that the case when the partner's selflessness is aimed at OTHER people OUTSIDE the relationship? In other words, how do DAs react if they feel like the partner they were initially attracted to for their selflessness is constantly prioritizing other people above their relationship with the DA? It would be really interesting to hear whether the DA would resent their selflessness in *that* sort of situation or not.

[@worldwidechubbyguy2.018]

DAs would not feel anything at all. Because DAs have been so independent and autonomous they would not even bother checking out what their partners are doing outside the relationship. If they arent that interested about their own partner's whatabouts, then what more outside the relationship? They would not even ask lol.

[@Aliciae411]

As a DA it wouldn’t bother me if they were selfless to others outside the relationship, I might even prefer it because then it’s not focused on me.

[@onnol917]

What is attracted to selflessness at first is because deep down they grave for love and they see the potential that you can give it. Then when your dating and things get serious they feel as if their freedom is under pressure and this makes them resent the love. Why? Because its the affection that is putting pressure on how free they feel. When energy is focused outside of the realationship they are relieved at first until the point is reached where their desire for love is not satisfied and they reach out again. Nobody wins

[@lauraschleifer4721]

@@onnol917 , yeah, my experience has been that eventually they get resentful of your "martyrdom", and it triggers their own "I am defective/there's something wrong with me" wounds.

[@worldwidechubbyguy2.018]

@@lauraschleifer4721 no, but i am currently with a DA partner. A sample case that just happened: i recently gave out food to the security in my condo because it was my birthday and there were a lot of leftovers. Partner didn't ask about how my day was (it was my BIRTHDAY lol), not even an how's your day. I shared this info and all he said was "you're so kind" and went along with his life lmao. Didn't even ask me the reason or ask details.

[@brittanyli641]

It’s so true

[@katipaulina]

Makes sense when I think of it

[@mysticstarseed444]

Good topic! What about FA's?

[@namaste348]

So, to repel a DA and attract a better person we have to act like a DA. Got it!

[@purplepheasant4776]

That sounds effective.

[@purplepheasant4776]

@Sunbeam I've been told this many times. Admiration mixed with underlying hatred.

[@goldy140]

My bf was same as this, I didnt know abt Avoidant style, I only knew he might b having BPD. Same reasons mentioned here + eye contact he got close to me, loved me so, then after we got mo close all turned into anger, frustration , resentment & he broke up for the 2nd time as an enemy :(

[@nanabinaruto71546]

is there a video about regrets/guilt and whatnot on relationships?

[@ksmith5451]

Thaís, I learned a lot with you in the last couple of months. What's the average age of a patient's DA/FA that looking for help themselves? What's the average of these same groups completing the treatment and the withdrawal? How often does a man in his 60s accept this improvement in their life with success? My brain works based “on numbers percentage “. I don't want to keep trying to make someone look for help if this percentage is low.

[@user-js3pe7xx6m]

I don't think those statistics really matter here, i think if you're trying to convince someone to get help then it's worth a shot regardless of the statistics, but remember it's crucial for them to want to help themselves. I wish you the best

[@lottidabodi]

Spot on girlfriend!! 🎯

[@FreeLee123]

I have watched a few of your videos and enjoyed them. You have mentioned attachment styles frequently and mentioned Susan Johnson. Is there one book that does a good summary of these styles that you would recommend? Thank you

[@imyouranna_]

attachment by adam lavine.

[@timelordthefirst4835]

Failed by friends growing up. So I keep myself to myself and I don't know how to act around people and my behaviour cost me my relationship with a loving anxious attachment woman 😔

[@douglasmiller1212]

I thought this type might describe me so I took a free test three times and imagined myself with different partners over the last 10 years. What I found is that I was secure in my marriage of 33 years (wife died of cancer) and over each of my subsequent relationships with divorced women, I've become increasingly more avoidant. So I don't think it's coming from childhood but rather from the demographic of over 65 people whom I've been dating. Thoughts?

[@herkcollins4263]

My boyfriend of three years has issues with commitment due to everyone in his family being divorced. He also has Asperger's Syndrome, which makes it hard for him to show his feelings properly. It can be hard, but I try to understand from his POV even though I feel we should be in a completely committed relationship by now. For now, I'm the caring and loving one. He does nice things for himself and spends more time with his friends and family, but not so much for me. Again, I keep trying to be understanding.

[@OliverJazzz]

Leave, for your own sake. A relationship where both people don't make equal effort isn't sustainable. Being with someone on the spectrum is really tough to begin with, that alone drops the chances for a successful relationship by 50 %. Been there a couple of times, never again.

[@herkcollins4263]

@@OliverJazzz If you truly love someone, walking away is not that easy. However, I thank you for the concern.

[@LaudauteDominum-er2mr]

Have you looked in asbergers and narcissistic personality. Is your bf maybe a narcissistic? Because mine was manipulative, gaslit me. He's DA with narcissists personality or tendencies. It was so hard living in that. My world was fog. I had brain fog. I walked on eggshells, I remained quiet, etc. Do a side by side comparison of asbergers and narcissistic personality disorders

[@ladyfl0wers]

​@@herkcollins4263no one says it's easy, but seems the right thing to do because you sound awfully unhappy

[@FMAeva]

With Asperger's Syndrom you need to be more direct, they miss a lot of social cues and not intentionally.

[@tmoneypoleductions9764]

Im young 22 my bf is older like it was fun a at first but i know i cant see it being like this for the rest of my life , i feel like i love him but i know i have to put my self first, Being w/ him 2 years + forces me to be real and show up for my self. Im starting to realize he may just have liked me for what i had going on and not for who i am. His idea of love is twisted to me . n i just feel “needy “.

[@stephiex3003]

I understand why people marry their pets or buildings and other inanimate objects.. Human beings are just hard work period😅

[@Just...Peachy]

I know! The lamp beside my bed is looking more and more appealing haha

[@FitzAF]

LONG STORY, GET SOME SNACKS: There's this woman I like that's FA leaning DA based on your attachment style test. We both took it and I'm basically SA leaning slightly AP, so we know how this worked out in the first month, LOL! I thought someone was genuinely attracted to me, I felt important with all the eagerness to communicate and be updated, hell I even got selfies showing her OOTD when going out, etc. It felt really nice and warm! I even ended up confessing and told her that she doesn't need to give a response yet, so at least she knows why I may start being even affectionate, which she said was a new experience. She did say that it was nice since she doesn't feel pressured, and she did also at least say that I'm "definitely more than a friend" in her eyes. So for me, that was alright. But then, she had a toxic ex reappear, desperate for her attention. He started going on social media rants, saying how unfairly he was being treated by her, even name dropping guys who confessed to her after their breakup (not including me since I was most recent), and announcing his suicide. Literally the worst emotional bombardment to her, now that I know her attachment style. Since then she's shut down. We've been trying to sort things out, and then I got introduced to PDS from a friend of mine who's gone to therapy. And now we, or mostly I, have tried to learn as much as I could. I've been successfully toning down my AP on my own, which feels really amazing, tbh. But she still says she's emotionally unavailable, even to her friends. And based on what I've been reading in the comments, it seems like this is the biggest obstacle I'll face since I don't know when she'll work on it. She is indeed busy, but I think it's partially her coping mechanism stemming from DA, as well. And I'm not one to give up, as well. While she was still in her initial stage, she opened up about past relationships, how she had to do all the work in them (planning dates, etc), be cheated on and forgiving them still. I saw someone who was determined to get the right love but failed, and now it's almost as if she can't be bothered anymore. She's got great traits too, like being goal-driven, ambitious, practical partner traits, so to speak. So despite just letting go as the easy way out, I still want to do all I can to see if I can show her that with me, things will be different. That I'm alright. I think I accidentally overwhelmed her before when we were talking about self-worth, she said "Yeah, you're worth it, but what about me"? I replied "Well, when we'll be together, I hope I can show the worth I see in you, you will see in yourself, too". So with that in mind, do you guys think it's okay if I still contact her if I suddenly have a busy day, and tell her about it as I go? That's what she used to do before, but I'm kinda scared it'll overwhelm her in this crucial time of distance. I don't mind not getting replies, as long as she knows, so to speak. As if I'm making her included in my day's experience. Thanks so much to anyone who's read this far, hope we can all share fruitful insight to help each other out!

[@Oh_Nana1990]

Child ain’t nobody reading your dissertation 😂

[@linda-akaswjosdotschka8648]

Hey. I had a friendship with an FA and before he ghosted me end of decembre (no end yet, it's april), I really toned down my AP tendencies. They are mild though and hard triggert by his behaviour, as he for example says he'll check in more often and the doesn't or he'll contact me on day XY and then doesn't. He opens up the tiniest bit and then withdrawls. I toned down my AP tendencies automatically at some point, only later learned about attachment styles and oh boy, he's a textbook example of an FA (though not really regarding to PDS descriptions, but more to everyone elses. The descriptions here lean a bit too much on the anxious side in the FA). Anyway, as you read, I had no success showing compassion and patience and whatsoever to maintain this friendship, no matter how hard I surpressed my own fear and demons. Do I still want him back? Yes. But I chased too much and was bold enough to send him a link to an FA video, so the chances that he comes around aren't the best. I understand that you're no one who gives up easily. I'm also not. Not in love relationships, but mostly also not in friendships. So my advise: If you really want to and feel like it, keep trying, but be careful and minful of your own needs and values and don't bend too much. And just in case, gather some strength for a possible heart break. But first of all: Give her space and try to be less focused on her. THEN you can restart and try again. Not earlier. Not as long as she's the centre of your mind.

[@FitzAF]

@@linda-akaswjosdotschka8648 This has been very enlightening, thanks a lot. I am working on my anxious side as well, and it's been going okay so far. Update on my end: She also seems to be improving as well since recently, she's been working on setting boundaries for people. She's asked me a few times on how she can "friendzone" properly since what typically happens is guys around her tend to end up liking her and confess. Some she's known for long, others not. She can deal with the earlier ones easily, but she's afraid of losing the friendship of those who've she's known for a long time. I just ended up telling her that if they really are your friends, they wouldn't leave just because of that. I'm just happy that I haven't been friendzoned myself, lol.

[@linda-akaswjosdotschka8648]

@@FitzAF Good luck on your journey. Yours alone and together. I wonder a bit if she asks you all that because she wants to get an idea to friendzone you, but you're in the situation and know better how things are going. It's a good sign she's opening up to you. Glad I could enlighten you a bit. Guess the pain I feel due to the lost friendship is worth for something then 😉

[@FitzAF]

@@linda-akaswjosdotschka8648 Thanks a lot for the well wishes! 😁 Tbh I've told her that she can be perfectly honest with me when it comes to that. I did say to her that I can handle a friendzone when we talked about the events above. It's a normal thing, so to speak. As for me, if that were to ever happen, I have no regrets about it. If she decides I'm not what she wants, it isn't my fault I wasn't. I've been clear with my intentions and feelings, so at least I know I did all I could. And yeah, for me, experiences are always something we can share to others to provide something to, be it a lesson for them, new knowledge, etc. So yeah! :D

[@dominiquem14]

The part about resentment was so eye opening. I now realize this happened in my last relationship. I initially was very attracted to his openness and supportive nature. He made me a top priority and our conversations were always so honest. I loved that. Fast forward to our second year together and I became more impatient with him and would become annoyed with behaviors I previously didn’t (but of course I kept it hidden). I felt like he didn’t have enough sense of self. It was clear he didn’t value individualism as much as I did. The fact that he always put me first and held me on such a high pedestal started to worry me that he was too closely attached. I feared he’d expect me to be as dependent on him as he was on me. Also, my attraction to his openness started to fade. I remember thinking how he was so temperamental and sensitive.

[@abdulyoussef8449]

Sorry if you don't mind me asking personal questions but what could your boyfriend have done in your opinion to make the relationship as good as possible whilse also maintaining a connection. I'm asking because this reminds me of my own relationship where I can tell my DA girlfriend goes through the same thought processes as you. I used to be able to give her space easily but after months I'm sick of our connection only being on her terms, as well as other damage that has built over the course of us dating has resulted in me always starting fights and her seeing me as having anger issues while not accepting the role she's played. I'm trying to rekindle our relationship but of course just being able to have a discussion like that with her is a war itself. You seem like you're very aware of your behavior / thought processes so I would appreciate your input.

[@DharaPatel-sj7pf]

I'd like to know what abdul asked too lol

[@replaygeorge]

Probably the most interesting insight. However, being too close attached is not something most people would worry when they want to be in a long lasting relationship, I mean I know couples who really try to be together as much as possible and are happy like that. I can understand a DA wants more space, but a relationship means some sort of deeper connection.

[@brittanyli641]

He felt really bad for not giving me what I want.

[@heddy2326]

Damnit I missed the 14 day free trial

[@thedivineunion]

Try make this videos with giving the sensation that you beed to catch a train.. thabk you

[@danwilliamson1846]

Ive found out my ex DA left her last one befire me i didnt even know. Never really knew who or what she was about till she started treating me with dispresect, blocked me all defencive dismisive of my feelings, she just didnt care, ended it, blocked me n trued getting with someone else then came back gave me the i love you. Then sabotaged it once again then you guessed it. Blocked and onto the next within weeks. Fed up of being treated like an option n her not seeing my value after all that i did for her. Never appraited any of it. She said "i didnt asl you to do them things" never said Sorry for her appalling beahvoiur n put downs. Such emotional ebuse. Thought she wouod put up a fight but no. I deserve Commitment n loyalty n Honesty Healthy core Values. She has so much unhealed Truama projectijg it all onto me Meh

[@danijackson1107]

DA are kind the beginning then they switch it’s scary because we want the old them when they just showed up and we fell in love. Love yourself and heal ❤

[@akdollface007]

Okay, serious question here: if we’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t with our DA’s, then how is there any hope? My DA has grown a bit in the decade + that I’ve been with him (not nearly as much or as quickly as I would like, but he had some major wounds so I’m endeavoring to be patient) and I am working on trying to heal my own core wounds. His DA/FA core wounds really aggravate my FA/AA core wounds at times…some days I’m able to hang on and try to thrive rather than survive and some days, I’m only surviving (with my crappy coping mechanisms). Sometimes (watching these videos), I feel like nothing I do or say or don’t do or don’t say or mind read or don’t mind read will help and it’s incredibly painful and frustrating to be in the thought process of “oh well, a DA will do or say whatever they want and there’s no hope because you’re not perfect at providing everything they need and they won’t tell you”. This perfectionism is one of my core wounds that I’m working on and hearing the thought process of “what drew them to you could push them away” is so disheartening. I’ve asked and researched, experimented over and over to try to provide what he needs (repeatedly!). I’ve always tried to understand his perspective and see the world through his glasses (even before I found out about attachment theory). My giving nature is my personality (sure, with a narcissistic parent, I jammed that giving nature into an unhealthy high level (i.e. people pleasing) in order to survive emotionally. So telling me that my DA loved my giving nature but could be replused by my giving nature is painful…the way it feels is “who you are is not ok”, which defeats the whole point of trying to heal. Please tell me that there’s hope. I don’t want to be so discouraged that it’s hopeless to love my DA.

[@rubyz-vm4xy]

How do you try to integrate the traits to yourself?

[@Janeintheok]

Good question

[@dentrout9383]

Hes a marine who doesn't share emotions but he sure shares them with me ha

[@lilliankillian7366]

Hi do you think being with him for three years makes it a good sign by now or can it still go bad ty for an answer if u can

[@sabrinacnz8507]

8:50 LOL

[@massmom8919]

What's the difference between a FA and a DA ???

[@massmom8919]

What did you study in college to understand all of this?????

[@mr-67890]

Yep he told me i was the nicest person he knows . Knew . Im done.

[@jaredvaughan1665]

This explains why most KZbin Channels on Narcissism describes the narcissist as the avoidant. The big exception is Dr. Ramani, who herself is a cold blooded dismissive avoidant who's definition of a narcissist is an anxious preoccupied.

[@Flayora]

Woah what?

[@ThereisNoElla]

Yeah, I also felt an uneasiness when I see her... I'm glad I'm not the only one who's been thinking this.

[@sarahstevenson8155]

Thank you! I feel the same - like I don’t trust her

[@ThereisNoElla]

I think it's a bit worrisome that the narcissist videos have so many views, because people seem to really like jumping to extreme conclusions, like "my ex partner was a narcissist" while it could also be (and most likely be) having an insecure attachment style.

[@vtchevalier]

You said what I think when I watch those videos too. Catastrophizing all ‘narcissistic’ people. I bet you a lot of them are just unhealed insecure attachers

[@ruthr8990]

Avoidants shall be avoided at all cost!

[@FMAeva]

That's why I'm too scared to date, I think it will be a massive disappointment for both of us. I just can't be vulnerable, not even by myself.

[@sunspiral79]

Why not?.. are you that afraid?

[@FMAeva]

@@sunspiral79 Yeah, I would fail royally.

[@sunspiral79]

@@FMAeva we will never know connection without taking the chance

[@FMAeva]

@@sunspiral79 I know that deep down I want that, but I never even felt attraction or even remote interest for somebody's personality or point of view, should I just pretend I like a random person and see how it goes? It doesn't seem fair for the other person. And if it's just fucking, might as well pay a professional.

[@sunspiral79]

@@FMAeva well..perhaps you focus on their negative traits. Whats your definition of connection?

[@seapeajones]

Everything resonates except the first. I don't think i fundamentally understand what is meant by "supportive." Like someone telling you good job? You can do it? I have said to my SO i don't understand how to give or receive support, but i understand if you need help or need me to do something.

[@angelinarinna5014]

To be supportive comes in all forms- if you see your partner has been cooking/cleaning/taking care of kids all day and you've been doing your own thing for hours, check in with them and see if they need help or just go in there and help out. Ask about what her plan is for the week and if there's anything you can help with to make her week a little easier. If you know she's going to be home late one day and have a super busy day, cook her dinner or send her dinner through door dash. If she needs emotional support, just give a hug or ask her to sit with you and talk about it. We pretty much just want someone to listen and be there while we get the emotions out. Basically, support is making their life a little easier because you love them. This doesn't need to happen all of the time but once a week at least would be nice if you live together lol

[@cloudslady3400]

For some reason I find DAs to be very triggered by me now that I’m 50% secure…they kind of have an entitlement to their personality they genuinely believe that my openness is wrong…and that I’m weak and they don’t like weak people!….so many DAs envy securely attached individuals on some level…they treat them horribly because how could they suppress their truth while someone else enjoys sharing it?… what is so triggering about an emotionally available person? That doesn’t see the unavailability of the DA as attractive?…has anyone else experienced that kind of behaviour? 🧐🧐

[@Mel-vb5pj]

I don’t see many differences between a DA and a Narcissist. Actually, I don’t see any differences. Am I missing something?

[@MetaPhysStore0770]

Narcissists are more fun🤣🤣🤣

[@ravenmeyer3740]

Actually, they are both about themselves. Neither of them will give you anything. They will only take.

[@karinteeples9715]

@@sunbeam9222Seriously, you only react to criticism, quit being a victim and start being proactive in getting some emotional health work on yourself. That’s right you will never take accountability for your dysfunctional relationships. You love being a Victim instead. Just like Narcs.

[@Katrica670]

@4:28-4:52 this makes noooo sense! Why would anyone be annoyed with, and stop wanting supportiveness/warmth/caring and selflessness later on in life? 👀🧐🤔

[@AD-hh6dd]

That actually describes me. I would start to feel burdened by the acts of kindness. I felt like I needed to reciprocate and I didn’t have the time or energy to do so with the same energy. So I’d feel very guilty and then resentful when my partner wouldn’t stop (I would explain to him that I needed him to pull back a bit and why). I felt this was violating my boundaries which made me feel disrespected and less seen/heard to my partner. Their acts seemed to be more about getting validation for themselves than love for me. I needed him to give space so I could feel like our relationship was a more equal partnership and not him doing everything for me. I felt so disempowered and it turned into annoyance and resentment. It’s not always nice to do things for others when it violates boundaries and makes another person feel like they owe you and can never repay the debt back.

[@Katrica670]

@@AD-hh6dd wow ah? I have never heard this before. I guess you are a DA female, and he is an FA or AP male. Well idk about others, but i know whenever i do something it is just because i love the person, care about them, and wanna put a smile on their face by helping out here and there, when there is a need that needs to be filled. I believe in give and take, so i give, but i also expect that a decent human will be grateful, loving, gentle enough, and empathetic to give back. Aka only super super selfish ppl just take and take. However, do Not get it confused with narcs who can and will give when they want to, or even protect when they want to, and harm when they want to, or at least when you two break up for sure!

[@tripandnature9496]

Because childhood neglect transform them into a person that need to stood up for themselves which caused the overly independent pattern for the individual, and if someone has been living like that for so long, the warmth and caring nature of counterpart can get into their nerves, because that has never been something they were familiar to (for the ego mind of course) and if you don't have that growing up, it was not your comfort zone. Not all comfort zone may feel comfortable as it sounds.

[@Katrica670]

@@tripandnature9496 oh wow thanks for that great perspective! 😉

[@ladyfl0wers]

​@@Katrica670it is pretty simple...you can be the nicest, most selfless person on earth but if someone asks you to stop and you for whatever reason dont...then you are no longer nice...then you are crossing boundaries for reasons only u know (Not saying YOU are like that, just explaining what the former commentor meant)

[@centrerandom5640]

I'm a DA but definitely prefer bad guys lol

[@HunnyBee23]

QUESTION: Can giving them space for a long period of time be considered healthy in this type of relationship? Do DAs typically come back with the loving behaviors or is it gone for good?

[@petekdemircioglu]

Yes they do but dont go back: they will hurt you again if you do.

[@user-pe2yx9kt4e]

4:25

[@1x93cm]

There's two types of ppl in the world regarding childhood trauma. Those that continually look to re-enact that trauma with every new relationship and the ones that won't ever repeat it. The former are Anxious and the latter are the dismissives.

[@1x93cm]

@@imm0rtalitypassi0n You mean redundant. Not delusional. Seeing as you're just restating my point.

[@gogohappygirl]

All insecure attachment styles repeat their childhood trauma.

[@nicolet6131]

She's gorgeous, and seems very knowledgeable. I just couldn't get through the video because the vocal fry is distracting for me. 😕

[@thetheraine]

at the moment I'm attracted to a younger guy who works in a shop I have been going into for several years... initially we both felt a connection... it's like we've been in a long term emotional affair... but nothing happens. Just lots of looking at each other, but just pleasantries exchanged, due to people always around us... then close up eye contact where he couldn't look away, then he freaked out and withdrew... He doesn't smile, has anxiety, is a workaholic, is respectful but very nervous around me, doesn't initiate anything, isn't married, doesn't have kids... He's about 31... I'm older... which freaks me out, so I'm sure it freaks him out. I smile easily, I'm open, friendly, helpful, kind. I have no idea what he is like outside of work... but he seems to be a dismissive, avoidant, insecure type that probably has lots of sexual relationships and no attachment.... or maybe he gets too attached and clingy and gets hurt... no idea... it's all very weird...

[@sarahdoe8512]

This post is creepy. He works in a store that you go to and it seems that you are implying some kind of 'connection' or 'relationship' based on eye contact or smiling. You have no idea who they are outside of them working at the store. Reality check please...

[@thetheraine]

@@sarahdoe8512 - so you've never made eye contact with someone, never felt a connection and know that they feel it too... nothing creepy about it... it's called human connection... if you've never felt it... you must be dead inside... there are lots of clues around to find out basically what sort of person they are... and then if it goes further, you find out more about each other, but if you don't like each other, then you move on... that's the basis of all human interaction and contact...

[@Elysion404]

This definitely sounds like you're reading way too much into it. You've barely spoken to the man, maybe he's just being polite. I'd have to agree with the above commenter, your post seems borderline delusional.

[@thetheraine]

@@Elysion404 - one of his work mates told me he really wants to make a move, but he's been hurt badly... hence the dance of lots of eye contact and then him freaking out. So I know he feels the connection... but I want him to make the move, I don't want to force him, I want it to be his choice... but it's so frustrating... all the dithering because someone hurt him. when you feel a connection through eye contact... most times it's the real deal... so nothing delusional or creepy about it...

[@franwebb7756]

​@@thetheraineYou want him because he seems mysterious. If you got him you won't want him anymore. Find another store and move on and you may find the guy you're looking for for real. Been there.

[@VrakDock]

If you prefer being alone as social interaction seems endlessly exhausting at times, Are you likely then a dismissive Avoidant person. ?

[@refreshingtwist]

Take the test

[@chuck3999]

For the DA, it would seem they could best be described as someone who is attempting to untangle a big ball of string. Just another thought to all you critics out there, before you judge someone, take a step back, and get a good reflection of yourself. Nobody whose not walked in someone else's shoes, should be the last one to give advice.

[@karenbenjey1]

Would really help if you would slow down.

[@ksref]

Adjust the playback speed, easy fix

[@chuck3999]

Why don't you comment on anything that might be right about the DA?

[@Khiarika1]

This sounds exhausting. 🙄 I'm glad i dropped him, I was having regrets.

[@blessedbee186]

I appreciate ur amazing content. Your vocal fry and upspeak make it hard to listen.

[@terroristeoverdoz]

to easier understand what is a DA, just imagine they are some good looking people you date from dating app, who do not want serious relationship.

[@gregorystinette8271]

My dog endorses this premise

[@cappygurl]

Is your dog avoidant?

[@gregorystinette8271]

@@cappygurl / nope

[@terrycraig6386]

​@@gregorystinette8271: WTF?😅😅😅😅😅😅😅

[@An_Gha_]

Nobody ever recovered among avoidant. They are the worst attachment style, helpless.

[@kttleelee802]

Once identifying a DA simply walk away as soon as you can. To deal with these emotional eunuch is disgusting- you are not Jesus to save them - they are doomed.

[@joelylee3536]

😢

[@Elysion404]

I'd say your attitude is disgusting.

[@rainefrancisco4137]

Please do not generalize all DA, some are going through some really serious deep trauma.

[@kitkakitteh]

Their problem is not your problem. Never set yourself on fire to keep others warm. They have serious issues that make them worthless as long term partners. Don’t let them gaslight you into Making it your problem.

[@Elysion404]

@@kitkakitteh DA's don't gaslight. Narcissists do. There's a very distinct difference and I suggest you educate yourself on the topic before making such hateful comments.