When A Traditional Family Costs You Thousands | Financial Audit

▶The best budgeting program online, at the most affordable price: go.calebhammer.com any questions? Email [e-mail]
Reward yourself for investing! Use code HAMMER23 and get a $10 bonus when you sign up for Voura using my link: voura.com/promo/calebhammer
▶My team and I will personally review your budget and put you on the right financial path going forward: go.calebhammer.com/review/
_______________________
▶Resources I use/would use (with discounts/sign-up bonuses):
1) Checking & Savings: Get up to 4.60% APY, pay no account fees, and earn up to $250 when you sign up and set up direct deposits. Terms apply: sofi.com/hammer *affiliate link
2) Start investing: Transfer to moomoo and receive up to $5,000 in Cash Rewards using my link Terms & Conditions Apply: j.us.moomoo.com/00Cqzn
-For the sign up bonus, Click this link to get up to 15 free stocks from moomoo U.S when you make a qualified deposit. Terms & Conditions Apply: j.moomoo.com/00Bn5Z
3) Coursecareers: Get qualified for a better job and increase your income: coursecareers.com/a/calebhammer
4) Mint Mobile: Cellphone bills are too expensive, use my link to find a plan starting as low as $15/month in just 15 minutes with my partner MintMobile: mintmobile.com/hammer
5) Online security: Protect your online privacy and security NOW and for free by following my link Aura: aura.com/hammer
_______________________
▶Fun things:
1) Exclusive episodes, private Discord, BTS, and a special thank you: / calebhammer
2) Rules For Not Being A (bad word): www.calebhammer.com/rules
3) Merch: The most fun website: shop.calebhammer.com
_______________________
▶My socials: linktr.ee/calebhammer
▶Do you want to be in a Financial Audit? We film on Monday/Tuesday every week in Austin, Texas (in person only). Fill out this brief survey if you are interested: forms.gle/AWd3TSHZgehBQMeYA any questions? Email [e-mail]
_______________________
▶Sponsorship and business inquiries: [e-mail]
_______________________
These are some fun words: Caleb Hammer, financial audit, Graham Stephan, Dave Ramsey, Ramsey Show, George Kammel, Rich Dad Poor Dad, Podcast, Budgeting, Investing, Stock Trading, IRA, Roth IRA, 401k, health savings, HSA, 403b, college costs, student loans, debt, snowball, avalanche, pension, retirement, financial independence retire early.
_______________________
▶*Some of the links and other products that appear in this video are from companies for which Caleb Hammer will earn an affiliate commission or referral bonus. Some of the offers mentioned may no longer be available. This is not investment advice.
▶Sponsorship and business inquiries: [e-mail]

[@CalebHammer]

I absolutely LOVED this conversation. Playing devils advocate is important, even if not right or wrong. It’s important to challenge any mindset/opinion that is staked into the ground. Being open minded on anything and everything and beyond willing change my opinions on the spot when new information arises is a quality of mine I’ve tried to build over the years, and I try to challenge that mindset to other people as well when you can tell there opinion is 100% concrete. Devils advocate is important, open-mindedness is important, and basic realities around Money is important as well.

[@laurentomasunas]

Such an interesting discussion right out the gate.

[@amoose8439]

This was more like saint's advocate... but I've got some hope for her! Preemptive congrats on 800k!

[@redsoxfan52974]

I’m Gen X, but feel like a boomer - Caleb, you are incredibly mature and emotionally mature. I know grown-ass adults who could learn from you. Change and growth are so important.

[@josee1984]

she is obviously very sensitive about being from an immigrant family that expects so much from her. I feel for her and you could tell she is using avoidance and other coping mechanisms to deal with it

[@cindydks]

I do have a question though... many times in the past you've (Caleb) jokingly or otherwise, advocated for the person being audited to take advantage of situations where someone else is willing to pay for them (i.e. if someone takes you out then you can eat out, if your parent(s) offer to pay for your health insurance or offer free rent, do that). So how is this not a two-way street? The parents in this case are benefitting from the daughter's "value added" in whatever way (the rent, the intangible types of assistance like language/translation), and she seems to at least imply that she's benefitted from the arrangement as well (lower rent, future reliability/financial assistance if she requests it). Additionally, both parties feel very assured that the other WILL help whenever possible - and won't be predicated upon how you feel about that person in the moment (if someone's mad at you or having a hissy fit... you know it will pass and the foundational strength of the familial relationship will remain - no being kicked out at 18, no being shipped off to some retirement home).

[@faithhernadez8714]

Her nervous energy is just so high, poor thing has been pushed to the brink with responsibility, it’s hard for her to let anyone else take the lead. I hope she absorbs a lot from this conversation.

[@kingoscar5447]

Just how nervous and anxious she sounded from a simple conversation told me everything i needed to know about her lol No wonder she's being used by her family like this.

[@Modernparadoxx]

I disagree, she has zero sense of responsibility and just blames everything on her parents being immigrants. No sense of responsibility/accountability at all

[@saeedhossain6099]

sorry but she is nervous about looking bad because of her own bad decisions, her parents are not taking advantage of her. her entire story is the way a friend who cover the tips or an appetizer and keep reminding you of the time they took you to dinner.

[@sacramentofoodforest]

@@saeedhossain6099🎯

[@emilybrinegar7011]

She says she's naturally shaky voiced, but she is full on trembling during the whole conversation. She knew that he would challenge her and was not prepared with a solid answer.

[@jehannedufresne3998]

I'm an immigrant. I stopped my father in making me his retirement plan while he's galvanizing sleeping around making babies even at old age. When he said "I took care of you, now you owe me what I ask", I replied "Sir, only thing I owe you is honor and respect. As a kid, I was your responsibility; I didn’t ask you to be born. So, if I don't have whatever you ask, I don't have it. I will not agree to anything that jeopardizes my life." Standing up to him, got him to stop guilt tripping me. I still check on my old man.

[@katieevans642]

👏👏👏👏👏 bravo!

[@esmeraldagrimaldo6667]

Speaking like a true American

[@jehannedufresne3998]

@esmeraldagrimaldo6667 how would you handle it if the father who raised you with emotional abuse, who physically beat down on your mom in front of you, you cheats on your mom on a regular and have kids with different women, now you as an adult try to honor him with respect and when you have it to support him, he spend all the money to go impress other women? Let's take culture out of the equation. As basic human beings, how would you handle that father-daughter relationship dynamics? If you have the perfect solution, I would love to know. So far, all different therapists I've seen advised to: "establish boundaries." So, please tell me how you would do it better?

[@4islandbeauty]

Tis no easy feat, Brava 👏👏👏

[@triciamatsis9732]

Good for you. Just remember not everyone is as brave or as strong as you are to stand up to their asian parents. I can speak from experience especially being conditioned with old school asian Mom from a very young age. If it wasn’t for my American husband I would probably still be catering to my parents every request because I considered that as a normal thing, but thankfully he opened up my eyes and showed me this is not okay and I need to start living life for myself.

[@GrantMLang]

So she gave them money to help buy the house and now she is also paying them rent? That makes zero sense.

[@paulaa.1445]

That is exactly right. Makes zero sense. But when Caleb tried to understand the situation she got defensive and standoff-ish. Deep inside she knows her parents are financially milking her and abusing her.

[@WilliamTrautman-di9dc]

You wouldn't get it, you're not a first generation immigrant who is victimized by the economy because America is the only country where people can buy stuff they don't need lol

[@highbrass3749]

There is maintenance, bills, and taxes that never go away so her paying a little rent makes sense. 1k a month is bit much though.

[@VirusZero0140]

​@@highbrass3749 Doesn't matter. She gave them money for their house. And they're taking advantage of her. I help my parents when I can see they need help, but not to the point of milking me of everything I have. Family isn't everything. I can tell you're one of those bozos that get taken advantage of.

[@lastfm4477]

Why does it not make sense? They will pay the mortage, she will get the house PLUS the large appreciation in it when they die. If this were California, she would even get the Prop.13 tax rate. That's one heck of a retirement investment. That money she gave towards the downpayment, plus the rent she is paying now will turn out to be a LARGE ROI.

[@margar2246]

My parents came as immigrants from Mexico, and I am so grateful that my dad took the initiative to learn how to make payments and not once did he ever asked me to help him! He broke the cycle! He is now retired and his house is payed for and I am here to help them with anything, but they always say you have your own home, your own family to watch for! ❤😊

[@hoteleandoconlafamilia]

Beautiful parents

[@Cashstuffwithsteph]

My parents did the same!

[@diegoreynoso5407]

Same! My parents came over in their early 20s. I remember as a kid I would help them translate important documents and things like that, but as I've gotten older they don't ask for help anymore. They were proactive in learning English and how things work in the United States for themselves.

[@TheGamexAddict]

That’s nice. My parents are the complete opposite. Guilt trip me af lol

[@maricruzrodriguez6509]

You're so lucky. So many Hispanic parents refuse to learn the basics day to day responsibilities. They think working and bringing home the money is enough. The guilt and responsibility they place on us at such an early age is incredibly selfish on their part.

[@alvinmawuntu]

As a 1st generation kid to Indonesian-born FOB parents, I literally understand exactly what she's talking about. My parents came with zero English, zero money, and zero concept of American culture/mannerisms, and brought the collectivism mindset from Indonesia here. The most difficult conversation I had to have in my life was actually about them being independent and understanding that I could not be a source of income for them, otherwise, I wouldn't have a future for my future family. And this is where I see what Caleb is saying. Caleb isn't saying it's easy, he's not saying he can truly empathize, but he is offering a new perspective and mindset that this nice lady may not have had before. I respect that he's not rude about it. He's challenging a habit/thought process that put her in such deep debt, and that's what this show is all about. This is what he means by having an open mind. Ultimately, It's about having an open mind on different angles of attacking financial mistakes.

[@mato2047]

except her money isnt tied to them at all. and she will be getting everything. Fact is the other side of that cultural way of life is the only child is getting everything.

[@andrewvillalobos4156]

Well said

[@andrew8168]

Why come to America if you wanna keep the "norms" of your former culture?

[@SpeedyPoppins]

⁠@@andrew8168to live off taxpayers while keeping the norms of their former culture, unfortunately.

[@DutchKing]

Depends, I'm first gen and my mom didn't speak a lick of english but we've been here 22 years now and she's worked at a gas station then resturants and now she works at a hospital doing check ins. I moved out long time ago, she's been independent and fine. Caleb is right, you just have to teach them and give them space and not hold their hand all the time.

[@Playingwithproxies]

She’s so aggressively defensive because deep down she knows her parents are abusing her.

[@jenjones90]

😢 she has posted a response on here in which she pre-emptively attacks anyone who questions her set up by saying they don't keep diverse company. Given that she lives in Texas, I would argue that I keep more diverse company than her. I know people who have bought houses with their parents, but they have their name on the title. I know plenty of people who do admin for their parents and don't pay rent as a result. I do not know anyone who contributed towards buying a house, which has not been put in their name, who then pays rent to be someone's servant. Her parents don't want her name on the title cause they want to bleed her dry, if they do that and she co-owns the property, the debt collectors will come for the house.

[@bruinrose]

Yeah they're definitely taking advantage of her, she reminds me of my sister, she allows my mom to take advantage and then gets defensive if you question her

[@jessiejayyb]

Bro this girl is in suchhhhh denial

[@sacramentofoodforest]

100%

[@melgonz.6962]

​@@jenjones90what? Many of the bigger cities in Texas are more diverse than most of the US. Houston is one of the most diverse cities in the US. People really are ignorant about the geography & diversity of certain states they have preconceived ignorant idea about.

[@ohitsmaiii]

Oh man, she's a hard watch, mainly bc I'm also an Asian American born to immigrant parents. She definitely came in with all her excuses and justifications lined up, thinking she is being open minded and informed but she's so far from that. She's closed minded, and she keeps saying frugal but nothing she's doing, is frugal at all. She needs therapy and to face reality. God forbid something happens to her, as the only child, how will her parents know how to take care of the bills and such if she is insistent on continuing this Co-dependant relationship

[@pointyball2916]

I just hated hearing her CONSTANTLY use her race and culture as a bs excuse for being stupid with money. Plenty of Asian people out here not struggling cus they’re Asian

[@christycg]

How Caleb had to tip toe around her closed-minded ness is applaudable. I am also a first generation Chinese-American woman, I’m 29. She is victimizing herself and NEEDS THERAPY. The way she says that he can’t relate is ridiculous. If you had a child who had an impairment or a disability, you wouldn’t do everything for them without them trying to learn. She has basically been groomed by her parents and guilted into taking care of them. By saying that it’s “inevitable”, and it’s “common” are all excuses. I get not wanting to disappoint your parents, but it’s not a cultural thing to have to obey every command. She doesn’t seem to “want” to change at all.. she thinks that she has no choice and doesn’t care about her own mental health.

[@paulcesargonzalez3331]

And that explains the nervousness in the beginning. She is wrong, needs to be alone.

[@NatalieMarie917]

I agree. I think her defensiveness partly relates to the feelings of guilt she probably experiences when she considers her own needs above those of her parents. That sense of unwavering loyalty to the family and the “parentification” she experienced when she was younger (having to do so many things for her parents due to the language barrier) can be really hard to even partially part ways with, even if she’s just loosening or dropping _some_ of those responsibilities. I definitely recommend therapy because anxiety would definitely play into that too.

[@NoneYa-pg6dk]

I bet she’s hoping that this session is some magic pill that’ll change her world. YEAH!!! Only if you do the work and understand it, otherwise his efforts are going to go down the drain.

[@emma_luce_0623]

Yeah. My parents are not immigrants but someone close to me has immigrant parents. I also don't have to experience something directly to know how it impacts people. It's not okay to say that someone doesn't directly experience something so they can't give you their input. Especially when you ask them for their opinions on your situation.

[@emma_luce_0623]

​@@paulcesargonzalez3331She sounds like she is about to cry the whole video..

[@riceball_5]

When she says “it doesn’t matter what I want”, exactly. Asian parents engrain that in you as soon as you’re born and it affects you in the long run where that becomes your mentality. I grew up the same way, and it’s sad but I broke out of it.

[@iracelisbraxton8329]

Good for you, because as a parent i refuse to do that to my child it is absolutely unfair to me, i hope to never have to depend on my chuild to that extend (unacceptable)

[@senster45]

Hopefully you don’t need help once you’re elderly. Unless you have a very toxic family connection - being connected with family and helping parents is not a bad thing.

[@iracelisbraxton8329]

I am not here to offend no one, what I am saying is that we should NOT target to use nor expect for our children as our caretakers, Praise God the all mighty i have a beautiful relationship with my family and my son and the love i have for him makes me want to do better for myself as well that is all I am saying...@@senster45

[@aaronmiles2030]

Any orientals i knew were made to believe they owe the parents money once to adulthood which is sick cuz they werent asking to be born and they cant drive for shit

[@chelseysmithmillaaaaar]

That comment broke my heart. I am not an immigrant I just had a mom who needed a lot of support in life (financially, emotionally etc) and I really sympathize.

[@vcmusik]

As a Chinese-American, I found it incredibly ironic that Caleb had to keep reiterating the "teach how to fish vs. giving a fish" proverb to her, being that it's a Chinese proverb

[@fordashet]

Such a good one, I say it often

[@Madkalibyr]

Her parents are using weaponized incompetence against her

[@meganchambers8108]

It was interesting how she kind of tried to brush off the house thing as a one-time purchase that was a while ago and doesn't factor in now, so can we move on from the cultural stuff. And then, it came back to bite her later with the gift-giving custom. It's all entrenched and affects every part of her life it seems.

[@WhiteRhino.]

​@@meganchambers8108Pays a large payment, and still pays 1/2 the mortgage for her Family... Doesnt add up

[@nicozhu2406]

授人以鱼不如授人以渔

[@sillypennycat]

I haven’t seen anyone mention this in the comments, nor have I heard Caleb bring it up, so here’s another perspective for her to think about. While she feels obligated to handle everything for her parents, all she’s doing is hurting them in the long run. She mentioned that she’s an only child, which means there is no one else to help them or take care of them. If she ends up passing suddenly or left severely handicapped from an accident, her parents are screwed because they don’t know how to do anything for themselves. It would be worst case scenario, but accidents and tragedies happen outside of our control every day. She’s not doing them any favors by not teaching them how to handle these things on their own.

[@TashaSewingTutorials]

They actually do kmow how to do things for themselves. They raised her. They just refuse to do things for themselves. It's part of the culture, unfortunately.

[@Karlalovescandy18]

​@TashaSewingTutorials yup. I'm a first generation Mexican American. I was my mom's translator and personal assistant. Since i learned how to read, my mom would have me translating and filling out forms, applications, made phone calls etc. I'm 27 now, and my mom STILL doesn't speak English or does things for herself. She's lucky she has my dad.

[@Megan6772]

The term you're looking for is learned helplessness. That's what she's enabling.

[@regularity2556]

They probably have insurance on her, so if she passes they get a boatload of money

[@Roxyredshoes]

This!!!

[@snibbubzik3566]

She's very good at deflecting every problem onto whichever culture fits there vice. I hope she finds this episode helpful when she rewatchs it, hopefully a little less stressed because she's not in the moment. Rooting for you Wendi

[@twce5576]

I think the EXTREME defensiveness she shows around supporting her parents betrays a far deeper dissatisfaction with the cultural norm than she wants to admit. This is obviously extremely stressful to her but she can't even entertain a way out, she legit says "It's not about what I want" and shuts down the conversation. I don't care if its a cultural norm, anybody should be absolutely ashamed to put their kid in a position like this. It's disgusting to me.

[@eliza_kai]

Well said. It’s very sad and is obviously causing her extreme anxiety. She nearly has to wait for them to pass away to be able to breath. Being an only child it’s ALL on her, even though she has a choice to not live that way.

[@NatalieMarie917]

@@eliza_kai I think guilt and shame are probably the main barriers for her. She feels guilty even entertaining the thought of setting boundaries and she was probably conditioned (either intentionally or unintentionally) to believe it’s shameful to prioritize yourself over your parents.

[@dominiking69]

Extremely easy to say when you've been in a position of privilege your entire life but for most immigrants families that is not the case. The only reason y'all can even entertain the idea of retirement is because it's something that has always been accessible here. That is not the case in most of the world and cultural norms take time to break. It's not a disgusting practice when literal survival is what's at stake here and that's the shit that neither Caleb nor most of the comment section understand. I'm not saying they are still living in survival mode, but when your family has spent entire generations living in that structure, you don't just turn it off. That is why she didn't want to have the conversation because it is generally WAAAAAAY too much for most people who aren't from that background can understand, and it's frustrating KNOWING the person doesn't understand and push their uniformed opinion on you. He should've respected her wishes and dropped it

[@twce5576]

@@dominiking69 Nah, if you're coming on to a show for financial advice and won't accept any financial advice because of a cultural norm, that's not the show's problem. IMO, Caleb let her off really easy. I am sorry that you have been taken advantage of so thoroughly that you feel the need to defend it in a 3-week-old comment thread. I hope you can find the courage to break free of toxic traditions like this, you deserve your own life without being forced to provide for your family in perpetuity.

[@askajk5895]

So, they are here and have the same advantages!!! Many immigrants survive on their own!!!! Many bust their ass to support their children and set themselves up as well. You stop bad traditional trauma, by stopping it!!!!

[@santafilipina9020]

As a Filipina, I am telling you, most Asian parents use their children as retirement plan. You do not own your life. And even if you marry, the parents still have a lot of control on how you conduct your life. You forgo certain freedoms and dreams.

[@earthstar7534]

My mother in law is fillipina, she is retired by us. What are we expecting from her? She worked 2 jobs being a maid and nanny to put my husband through school. Are we supposed to make her struggle and do hard labor forever? She gave her life up for her kids.

[@la6136]

This! And then they justify the abuse by saying “ it is our culture”

[@Takar100]

@@earthstar7534 did she? Or did she choose to have kids and then have a responsibility to raise them?

[@robertbrand5410]

In this case, it looks like they've given at least as much as they expect in return.

[@santafilipina9020]

@@earthstar7534 what you guys are doing for the mom is honorable. No question. But parents are supposed to take care of their children. It is their job and not like doing their kids a favor.

[@-_-_-_-318]

She came to argue and frantically defend her codependent relationship with her parents. My wife is a daughter to immigrants as well, and it took a long time to separate her from their fucked up finances which were ruining her credit and putting her in serious debt.

[@hbkpaige1594]

The fact is almost no one can break out of that on their own. Having a partner or friend or anyone who can help them break out is so important.

[@sunnyday4055]

I have a asian friend whose parents keep calling to demand money from, for brothers education sister marriage etc. I dont get it i mean i get it if she actually HAS the money, but goes because she earns in dollars doesn’t mean she spends in IDR.

[@andreafajardo9816]

I think if you’re not from an immigrant family you don’t understand. Sure, you can have an idea of what it is like, but you would never understand our experiences. Besides that, American culture is very individualistic, the rest of the world is not the same. Yes, she needs to set boundaries, but that takes time and probably therapy.

[@saeedhossain6099]

I'm also an immigrant, came to the states as a kid, our experience falls into 2 camps, parents that are functionally dependent but economically super productive, and then parents who just rely on their kids for money. her situation is much more the first rather than the second. she has a spending problem, bankrolled by her frugal parents.​

[@1154PM_]

I can relate to this. As a child of Hispanic immigrants, my parents parentified us at a young age and in the 30+ years in this country they have failed to assimilate to the country nor take responsibility for themselves. Now in their early 60s they expect their children to be their retirement plan, despite never providing beyond the basics housing and food. It's taken therapy to help unlearn all of this and take control of MY life and learn that it was their decision to not learn the language, to drive, plan for the future, technology, etc despite being capable.

[@bruinrose]

My mom is the same way and she has gotten my sister to be her slave just like this girl, it's so twisted they can't see they're being taken advantage of

[@jonnaborosky8836]

If people move to the U.S. to follow the American dream, a large part of that dream is to assimilate into American culture. Here, people are responsible for their own retirements. She needs to teach them how to save for their own retirement. It's late in their lives, but she did say they have a lot of cash. Teach them how to put it in retirement accounts. They can continue to do that until they're 70. And I don't know, maybe people can still contribute to IRA's after age 70, as long as they start making withdrawals, too. She also said she wanted to treat her parents to steak. What about spaghetti and meatballs until her debt is paid off. She keeps talking about frugality. There's nothing frugal about her financial actions. If her parents have been frugal in their lives, looks like she could honor them so much more by practicing frugality as they did... and do. Her lack of frugality in a way, dishonors them. I know that's not what she means to do. She's doing all she knows to honor them and show them respect. It sounds like she doesn't realize her lack of frugality is hurting her and her parents... and her own future family. Good on you, Caleb, for respecting her and being so nice to her!!! You could do that with everyone and still make a positive impact on people. Tough love doesn't help everyone. Some people it de-incentives. Everyone has emotional baggage of some kind. Be nice.

[@NatalieMarie917]

I couldn’t even fathom the idea of forgoing learning the dominant language of the country I move to, with the expectation that my children will learn it quickly and be my lifelong translators (or that I’ll just magically pick it up?)

[@smokeysify]

Sounds like your parents will get the bare minimum from you and your siblings.

[@towIie]

This is so far from the norm unfortunately. Usually grandma is working into her 70s because the family won’t stop asking for money them.

[@kreneesimo]

I honestly wish that her mental health was discussed more, she has this underlying panic on her voice, like she is going to break down in tears at any given moment. It seems like this could be a big explanation as to why she is so severely codependent on her parents and that she spends money (that she doesnt have) to make herself feel better temporarily. Retail therapy can never compare to real therapy. I wish her nothing but the best.

[@kara8911]

I do that with my voice and shaking too and it definitely is a lot of anxiety. I’m sure she’s nervous too.

[@SixteenTonesStudio]

I got the impression that some of the codependency is 'against her will' based on some things she said, like "it's not about what I want, I have to do it for them" and I wonder if she hides some of her behavior from them due to living in the same household, such as if she has to go out of town to have a date. I wouldn't be surprised if she feels a lot of pressure from them, and uses the temporary escapes as a grasp for autonomy. I've had those kind of feelings before, I've dated a child of first-gen immigrants where I saw it, and my best friend married into a situation where I see it, where they all live in the same household. I got to a point in my life where I had to be by myself with no roommates in order to feel like I could grow into my own person, but was only recently able to afford it. And then it's been a struggle to develop good habits for myself because I haven't really lived alone before, so I'm in intensive therapy to develop life management skills. It's tough enough living with nice, caring people who don't constrain your freedom, because you still don't feel like the house belongs to you, like you can't wake up when you want and have the kitchen and fridge to yourself, and it's worse if you're also under the scrutiny of parents who will question what you're doing and talk about how they worry all the time.

[@argrena]

Maybe she was just nervous - i mean she trembled as well (look at fingers). Why do people always go for the mental health on first occation possible...

[@kaydkaydkayd]

@@argrenawdym why 😭 the poor woman sounds way more than nervous

[@MearnieToon]

I wish every twenty something didn’t talk about mental health. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar sometimes being nervous being shaky being scared is just that . Christ!

[@allsweatnobanter8938]

She spent the first half of the video talking about struggling as a first generation immigrant, but then when it came to her finances she blamed how "all americans use credit like this" The first step to making a change is accountability.

[@americangirlx4]

Yes, it's like she is choosing the traditions that can support her ideology of "you can have it all," picking and choosing from each culture without repercussions and consequences. Her mental gymnastics are exhausting, and I don't even understand why she consented to an audit in the first place.

[@leoavila915]

Watching the video made me tired

[@IAmebAdger]

About the American culture thing she mentioned, American culture is bad and everyone knows this. Listen carefully to her, she says she isn't trying to justify, just explain. She's been very clear that it's her fault and she does not agree with her actions, but she has to explain what drove her to do it because she's in an audit. Accountability is a problem of her past, it remains to be seen whether it's still a problem now.

[@amp2193]

​@@IAmebAdger yeah so bad more ppl come here than anywhere in the world. Only part of American culture I hate is ppl like you, beaten down and full of self guilt its pitiful. I wonder what the good cultures are?

[@mikaelat3272]

@@IAmebAdgerThis. Plus, speaking as an Asian immigrant myself, that is literally what we do when we assimilate imto American culture. We pick and choose the aspects of the culture that we embrace. She just got roped into the wrong ones. I also got roped into it in the past, being stupid and not realizing how much this impacted my future. I got out of it now and I’m now saving aggressively. Now, hopefully, she’ll fet out of it and have the same success story. It feels personal, but I’m rooting for her hard.

[@Kneeeyo]

Thank you Wendi for being on this show. As a Vietnamese-American first generation eldest daughter, I completely resonated with everything you said regarding your parents. To this day, I still look over bills with my parents, accompany them to doctor's appointments when I can because of language barriers, and the first person they call whenever they are trying to navigate this American systeme. And I really appreciated that though Caleb didn't fully understand, he really tried to hear our perspectives. Caleb says it all the time, "your children will feel a morally obligated to care of you if you're not set up for retirement." For immigrant parents who came with nothing, it's very common for their children to be their retirement plan. And even if they are set up for retirement, I think as children of immigrants, we ALWAYS feel morally obligated to help our parents because of the cultural "my parents sacrificed, I must help" upbringing we had. But I do agree practicing a little more independence is important. When I moved away from home, I feared how my parents would be. But now? They write their own bills, they pay their own mortgage, and they'll even go to doctor's appointments on their own with the broken English they know. I am so proud of them. I think that feeling of moral obligation will never go away. If anything, I'm happy to help them. But seeing my parents try to be more independent even motivates me further to take care of them in the future. It's a very unique experience that only "immigrant parents + first generation children" will understand. Thanks for putting this perspective on the show!

[@wendy-zarate]

I agree with this. I'm a first gen Mexican American. And my parents are both immigrants and they have done so much for my sister and I that I feel happy to help. Sure at times it is frustrating. I still go to doctors appointments with them and help them with their bills. (not financially but translating) so I understand her perspective. Now that I can't be with them 100 of the I see them navigating their own lives and it's so nice to see.

[@glow1815]

They all felt like they can't do anything without the children's support but when they're left with no choice you see the results lol.

[@MrAlekBG]

I’m Bulgarian. I sympathize with her because my deprogramming is still in progress. First gen’s almost always deal with this. But unfortunately it’s not fair in any sense and we need to take control of our lives.

[@AceofBase2024]

A lot of American kids also help their parents a lot….

[@dsalzey314]

My mom had this mentality with her Asian mother. Growing up, I loved that my grandmother lived with us but it was a huge emotional and financial burden on my parents. Now that we're the adult children, my mom has emphasized that she never wants us to feel an obligation or responsiblity to take care of our parents as they age.

[@NoneYa-pg6dk]

💯 with your mom. I wouldn’t want to put that pressure on my children either, not until I’m unable to help myself. Remember to take care of your parents when they really need the help.

[@glow1815]

I told my daughter she will never have to worry about us when we age. We want nothing from her. We want her to live her life and ZERO worries of us. My parents was vice versa.

[@ddll23]

​@glow1815 wish lots of others could have that opportunity

[@daniellebrooks3670]

With all the love in the world: Girl if there is an accident and you die or are left in a coma or something, your parents will be left without your help. It's ok to teach them how to do things and then still do them for them. Those who fail to plan, plan to fail. You can have both here by teaching them enough to get by and then still taking care of those tasks for them. Side note as someone who also had to address trauma, you are almost in tears repeatedly throughout the video just talking about certain subjects. Conversations physically feel like attacks which is just a horrible thing to experience over and over and there is a reason your body is reacting that way. You need to break this down with a therapist because experiencing this fight/flight/fawn response during conversations is going to wear you down and burn you out over time.

[@AllthingsZsa-2727]

Great observation! She seemed really nervous throughout this video especially talking about the cultural norms of taking on everything. She must feel so isolated.

[@americangirlx4]

​@@AllthingsZsa-2727 You are both so right in your observations. Her stress levels are palpable, and I felt like I could feel it coming thru the screen. Before she even spoke, I could see the affects on her physically and emotionally. Chronic stress is proven to cause disease, autoimmune disorders and general ill health. I was surprised her age is only 27. Her general bloating, nervousness and clammy pallor makes me wonder if there are some issues brewing beneath the surface. I would recommend she get tested for diabetes to start. This is sad to see a young intelligent person feel so trapped in a cultural prison. I hope she can assert her independence and find a better balance that can benefit everyone more fairly.

[@anncromarty2590]

If she dies, her parents will be ok. They took out life insurance on hef, thereby insuring their "retirement" plan. I can't imagine how sad and devastating it must feel to be viewed as a financial plan and not as a beloved child. My heart is with you Wendi. Your debt is the easiest problem you will solve.

[@illiniwu]

Her physical reaction while talking about "cultural" things is not normal. She was reacting like she was being attacked.which I felt like Caleb was NOT doing. I don't understand why she can't be on the deed even if their rationale is that as the only child she would inherit the property. If her parents are not toxic, I think they would be horrified to find out she was putting herself in debt because of them. As someone who also grew up with deprivation, I can see why she indulged when she became an adult. This is the primary reason why she is in debt not her culture. I think she is using culture as her excuse because she feels like this is out of her control. I'm speaking on this as a first gen daughter myself. Everyone on this show needs therapy!!

[@dankoba1]

Yes, exactly! The downside of her and her parents’ codependency is bad for everyone!

[@frugalgradstudent28]

Omg I went to High school with Wendi- we went to a high school where most of us were kids of immigrants- I’m so proud of her and having courage to be on the show! ❤

[@CalebHammer]

So cool!

[@hayleyemma7953]

As someone who had severe anxiety when I was younger and was extremely defensive, I can see all of the habits written all over her. I want her to have freedom, I want her family to be able to survive if anything ever happened to her. It's unfortunate she came onto this show already so defensive and not wanting to talk about so many things, and placing blame elsewhere. I'm hoping she gains not only financial freedom but also personal freedom! She seems so weighed down by the expectations she has placed upon herself

[@ryanra44]

She has an answer or an excuse for everything. You aren’t a statistic. You can live your own life

[@retnuh1262]

My parents are from Mexico and Guatemala. They made me their retirement plan and when I bought my first house they tried to force me to transfer the title to their names because "we took care of you, now it's your turn to take care of us". That year I "broke up" with my parents and set clear boundaries. It was a hard conversation but the most important. I told them that while our heritage has certain expectations, we live in America now and I choose to live as an American. Both me and my parents are more successful in life now that they had to "learn to fish" for themselves, and I had to also

[@amoose8439]

I commend you're bravery and resolve, great to hear that it worked.

[@AllthingsZsa-2727]

Transferring the title for a house they didn’t pay for is very toxic! Omg

[@blackdiopside5261]

My dad's family is from Mexico and I see this so much. A relative's mother in law decided she was going to be wheelchair bound once her youngest turned 20. She said the same thing: I took care of you, now you take care of me. And they did! Treated her like she couldn't use her legs for decades!

[@PurpleFiiilth]

Im sorry for your experience. My parents are also from Mexico and Guatemala. They bought a house here in California and were house poor for many years. Eventually they came out on top, the mortgage is only 2000 a month now. As part of their “retirement plan” they built an ADU that they rent out for 1200 a month. They also started investing into their 401ks. A couple years ago they had a will created to make sure the house and any money they have gets left to me and my two siblings. It appears they’ve done everything to not only give us opportunities growing up, but they also started to think about how they will retire without depending on me and my siblings. Because of them im an engineer now and i would do anything for them.

[@ECA-14]

I’m adopted from Guatemala and my bio family seems to think I’m their piggy bank. Sorry to disappoint 🤷🏻‍♀️ but that’s not my responsibility. You need those clear boundaries in place. Good for you for not giving in either.

[@dm96177]

She did not need to come into this extremely defensive…. She could have easily explained her situation calmly. Kudos to Caleb for being calm, patient, understanding, and realistic.

[@hektaah]

So defensive for no reason

[@genxx2724]

Also, I’m 18 minutes in and there is no evidence it’s impacted her finances.

[@dm96177]

@@hektaahI totally get her feelings and anxieties any maybe she didn’t mean to be this defensive but like…. She signed up for this!

[@goodneighborsports8228]

All her mannerisms are grating. The fast talking, shaky voice, mouth breathing, and voice clearing make me queazy. She reminds me of a Koffing in human form.

[@kaiaclark8383]

I'm 31min in and I came down here to say the same thing. She is so defensive over everything.. like are you here to get help or justify your poor decision making?

[@JoseFlores-xh5cj]

Homegirl blaming American consumerism and Chinese tradition for her obsessive spending habits. It's like me blaming Tacos for been a fat swine.

[@jessiejayyb]

😂😂😂

[@Isaak1]

Defensiveness was so high, Caleb is insanely good at what he does

[@eerenay]

I am a first generation Asian immigrant daughter. I did the translating and navigating for my parents for a long time, but i started pushing back and having them try to manage things over time and asserted my independence. They are also living well in retirement despite having low income their whole lives. They help me financially and i help them financially, but only if it makes sense budget-wise. This girl is codependent to a degree that is beyond what can be explained by being a first generation immigrant.

[@500dollarjapanesetoaster8]

OMG, this is some deprogramming going on, and she has this underlying panic in her voice. She looks rough for 27. She's setting herself up to be the old maid laboring with debt and taking care of parents, and then she gets to die alone.

[@crytkryssus9851]

Same as a first generation Mexican. But I always pushed back cause in my had even as a kid I always thought, "what if something happens to me and I can't help them anymore? They need to learn the language and how to navigate." It was also because they wouldn't take any advice I would give. Now they do so I'm more okay with helping them navigate.

[@lovebaileymarin]

This is a great comment ❤

[@TonyCox1351]

If this gal’s parents were smart enough to save $100,000’s in their lifetime to buy a house cash, I’m sure they are smart enough to “navigate the American system”. Paying utility bills is not very hard.

[@500dollarjapanesetoaster8]

@@TonyCox1351 And most bill inserts are in multiple languages, or the websites have multiple lang support (or you can ask Chrome to translate a website). Also, since her parents have a ton of cash, why can't she just pay off her debts with their cash and give them a reasonable interest rate pay plan? Win/win.

[@lisapvpv]

As also a first gen immigrant child, I'm 29f, Chinese, I thank you caleb for challenging her right off the bat. I rarely hear of the parents buying a house with the help of the child, and NOT PUT IT IN THE CHILD'S NAME 😂, especially an only child, sorry, usually we're all about building wealth for the next generation. I'm glad you had this convo with her, because it is not our norm. Usually we chinese hate debts, it's a wonder they asked her to contribute to the house while she's in that much debt. 🤔

[@12137Marth]

I get the vibe that they don't know she's in debt

[@Annika9517]

​@@12137MarthI have the same feeling. They seem to have savings themselves so i would immagine that if they knew she was in debt they wouldn't have her buying cosmetics for the cousins in China or a high rent each month. Honestly if my parents found out I was in debt I think they would help me but also hold me accountable. If they found out i was going on unnecessary trips or buing lot's of clothing I'd be put in a very uncomfortable situationand not hear the end of it. 😅 I mean I am german but i feel we too are very conservative cash based nation maybe similar to chinese like it seems. People here don't usually use credit cards. So all these American problems seem a bit weird. But as I see it her parents see her daughter working hard and taking home her monthly pay and a side pay so they feel comfortable asking her contributions without knowing that she is going under.

[@triswilsful]

That appalled me. I would never contribute to the purchase of a home without getting put on the deed. 😬

[@Iamjustherek]

I’m wondering if there’s underlying sexism in their dynamic? I know that because of the one child policy not only was there a lot of pressure on the only child but some resentment towards daughters in particular?

[@bruinrose]

I think it's psychological, her parents have groomed her and she can't go against them, these people are evil

[@ldctierna]

As someone who immigrated with their parents as a kid, I can 100% relate to her. I'm still doing my parents appointments, and paperwork and I'm in my 30s. I have to say though, being a little adult in my teenage years helped me be better with my finances as an adult and I was able to do a lot of things on my own. But everyone's experience is different and I understand it could be too much pressure for someone and be harmful in the end.

[@NatalieMarie917]

Have they at least been trying to learn the dominant language? Or do they seem to take for granted that you’ll be their translator forever?

[@hectorbaez1332]

I love the fact that Caleb has patience and although he gets mad it's coming from a positive place. It is one of the many reasons why I enjoy watching these videos.

[@OlufemiFilms]

I really respect how Caleb handled that first conversation, takes a lot of maturity and composure to express those points clearly

[@Ken-lr5pd]

Same I’m glad it didn’t go over anyone’s head, true man right there

[@leinadliu5337]

I wouldn't have the patience at all. This girl is irritating me so much and she's just hiding behind something more.

[@madinp1177]

Absolutely. As a very inarticulate person, I was extremely impressed by his ability to express himself in the face of such defensiveness.

[@steph_a_noodle]

It takes immense skill to kindly 'stick the landing' on: 1. Picking up on and checking in with the anxious energy of a stranger 2. While also shining a light on how to move in a more positive direction financially 3. AND ALSO try to understand the cultural implications at play (Within the first 8 mins.)Well done, Caleb.

[@ctestare2625]

She seemed a bit defensive when Caleb was just trying to understand the big picture of the financial situation

[@Riabain]

I'm 100% Asian born and raised. I felt like she was using culture as an excuse for everything. What did you come in for then? I also grew up the same way, but eventually the stress got to me and I sat down and told my parents that I wasn't going to help them with everything in life. I got them a social worker and helped with advice rather than breaking my back, and it's been benefitting all of us so far. I got myself therapy, and it was great and much needed. There's zero reason to not try and make a change... well, unless they're literally at death's door. But it's because I'm filial that I wanted better for my parents AND me.

[@Kozyboy710]

I’m honestly really wondering why she’s even there she keeps justifying everything 🤷🏽‍♂️

[@eriksanchez7286]

Hello, I'm sorta in the same situation and would like to discuss it more into depth with you. I'm trying to get like you

[@Riabain]

@@eriksanchez7286 I'm happy to discuss but not quite sure how I'd be able to help given we're probably countries apart...?

[@vershinokage3865]

It may sound like an excuse but when you are raised to believe you have to take care of your parents when you're older and have no one to show you that isn't true as you're growing up, it's all you know.

[@VictorTechG]

@@vershinokage3865 But she's now living in the US not in China. Caleb was trying to present another option but she kept trying to change the subject instead of attempting to resolve a clearly big underlying issue in her life as a lot of other commenters have pointed out. At the end of the day only you can decide to make positive change in your life.

[@cc8328]

She was worried about explaining the cultural implications from what I can see. I have a lot of friends that are first generation and they dismiss SO many things because of what their parents believe. At the end of the day, she came to Caleb to get out of debt because she realizes that her situation isn’t actually working.

[@alk672]

Interesting how this girl who speaks perfect English and came over at 8 years of age is more of an immigrant in her own mind than me or my wife, both of us making the jump in our late 20s, still speaking mediocre English. Certain things are just in your head.

[@GhettoNiggaAssBlaster3000]

It’s the parents. They nailed it. Her parents literally arrested her development. My wife is Cambodian came over at 16 now closer to 30 and her mom would be ruining her life like this if I didn’t step in and play the selfish asshole to get them out of her mind My wife has 5 siblings and her parents are unbelievable has to drive them to dr appointments now we have to look at buying them a house for them to live in because they don’t speak English freeload off social security and live with kids. With 5 siblings they’re this unbearable, I feel so bad for this poor girl one child having all that shit on her

[@sophiesingh6141]

Yes!!

[@glow1815]

It's easier to pick up language quicker than Vs as an adult. I came to the US since I was 10 I'm now 47 I speak fluent English. Way better then my native language( Khmer) lol

[@melissagonzalez1925]

As a first generation girlie her exact same age, she wants to platy victim SOOO hard. She's constantly on the verge of tears for no reason. It's almost like she's screaming for help. I find myself in this immigrant victim placard at times but it's important to remind ourselves that everyone had hardships and this is just what we got. Gotta make the best of it. She's a pretty girl and has a bright future. Therapy will allow her to get to know herself and HER needs which are very important.

[@la6136]

Girl I have South Asian immigrant parents and they learned everything about the American financial system and learned how to do everything themselves when they moved to America. Your parents are too dependent on you. They need to take responsibility and learn. Them being immigrants is not an excuse to be codependent on you.

[@user-gy9bv1kl5c]

Completely agree. She’s okay with it because she’s been so dependent on them financially so now I guess she feels like she owes them. And that shit is just toxic in the end

[@ScarletBrimstone]

​@@user-gy9bv1kl5cmy inlaws are like this. My husband would get calls from his family needing this and that, but when we needed help, we got none. It's called seudo-mutualism. Everything looks harmonious from the outside, but behind the curtain, everyone is out for themselves and just take from who they deem the weakest.

[@itachi-hf3kv]

Is like they dumb themselves. I don't understand that mentality. Also anybody can learn a different language with a little steady effort.

[@beenokok529]

I wonder if she decide to have a family, will her partner go along with this.

[@traderzzz123]

or maybe its just different cultural background? the other option doesnt have to be wrong or right, its just different. For me, its an honor to keep helping my parents who helped raise me as a child. least i can do is help them as much as i can.

[@chelsssie]

Caleb, I mentioned financial audit in one of my Arizona State University Sociology discussion posts last week while we discussed globalization and poverty, the challenges of moving up the social scale (etc). Mentioned how much this channel has helped me with my finances. A few of my classmates responded and told me they gave the show a listen and enjoyed it. Freaking love you dude!

[@animetalk8132]

That's lovely

[@dm96177]

Forks up! Sincerely, an AZ native.

[@2passportsandpostcards]

I love this! These conversations need to be brought up and blended somehow into many educational institutions.

[@slickfox33]

2022 ASU grad here guessing you are in SCRD

[@dudefromlaveenaz]

Forks up!!!!! DEVIL class of 2012!

[@iEyeronik]

It warmed my heart the way you asked if she was OK. Can see it on your face ya did truly care. It's nice to see people care for the sake or actually caring and not for views like 95% of the shit you see

[@caitlinvillanueva2528]

I understand a portion of her argument but I am also a first gen Filipino and eldest, but girl I had to move out just for a peace of mind because the weight of our culture to carry the comfort of my family was not worth. I’m able to get my apartment and my family to focus on trying to not depend on me was rewarding. I agree the culture is a large influence but we gotta adjust to this culture we are also are in, is all ima say

[@jones2277]

i had to do that too. then my poor sister took over my role.

[@iiWaffles95]

Oof, as a 1st gen asian kid that's been in therapy for THIS EXACT type of codependent behavior that Wendi has been displaying, this was a tough episode for me to watch. Thanks Caleb for including a diverse group of folks on your show

[@silkalmony5357]

Same here, it’s very hard to see while you are still living with them. Way easier to just continue the cycle so you don’t get cut off.

[@roseymosqueda769]

I’m Mexican American and just because things in our culture are considered “normal” doesn’t make it okay. It doesn’t make the culture good or right. These parents are using her and refusing to learn and enable themselves. And if she keeps this mindset up she will do this to her own children She is focused on being part of the problem and not her own solution. This is why our cultures do not see generational wealth. This is a problem. I repeat. Just because something is considered normal doesn’t mean it’s good. 💀

[@jessicasolis5299]

100% agree…I’m Mexican American too and I don’t agree with doing everything for your parents. How will they learn themselves if they’re depending completely on us.

[@amoose8439]

2nd generation mexibro here and I am so very glad about the hard choices my grandparents made to provide for their kids who then provided for me.

[@Nonsense116]

Totally agree. Same goes for other cultures. Just because it's normal in America to be a crazy consumerist with crazy credit cards doesn't make it good or right.

[@joan1609]

The things she does for her parents are dealing with infrastructure in a foreign country. How would her kids go through the same thing if she's completely familiar with these systems and already does these things for herself? Your comment doesn't apply to her actions at all. Unnecessarily accusatory.

[@chrissolano9425]

1st Generation and I feel exactly the same way! Thank you for saving me time writing all that out lol

[@youbinwarned]

This is probably the best audit video by Caleb i ve seen.❤

[@dijkvaneentrijn]

I can't with the nervousness (trembling voice). Good luck to this girl!

[@richelles1756]

If anything ever happens to her, her family will be lost without her. It's great she wants to do all this for her family, but it's in everyone's best interest for them to learn how to take care of those things on their own so they're not completely dependent on her if anything happens.

[@Thaxannadrote]

This! So many people in the comments are trying to make it a cultural thing, but from what I heard Caleb saying he's just concerned that if the relationship sours Wendy is setting up her parents to crash and burn. If she's handling a ton of necessities and ANYTHING happens to her that makes her unable to continue they could lose everything. She can even keep doing everything, but even just one of her parents knowing how it works means they will survive. My dad knows how to mow a lawn. But in my teens that was my chore. (Yes this is an absolutely ridiculous example, I know) If my dad didn't know how to do it, then when I moved away he would have struggled because suddenly he HAD to do something that he had just relied on me to do. Which means he might put it off which causes issues (kinda like putting off paying bills due to not knowing the process to pay them would cause issues).

[@500dollarjapanesetoaster8]

At the end she revealed that her parents have a bunch of cash. Why on earth can't she borrow that from them to pay off debts and she can pay them back with a reasonable interest? Her parents need to create a living trust now in order to not have any question about inheritance or taxes.

[@gen1130]

I am sure they'll be able to figure it out. it won't be pleasant, but if they were able to move to a new country on their own, they are not helpless. they just don't have a reason to deal with all this now.

[@TonyCox1351]

⁠@@gen1130that’s the point OP is trying to make, that it will be much less unpleasant if their daughter helps them learn now, rather than having to figure it out if something happens

[@gen1130]

@TonyCox1351 Yeah, I get that. but everyone seems to be very dramatic about it. it will be unpleasant, but not catastrophic by any means.

[@user-gy9bv1kl5c]

Let’s be honest, it’s toxic for immigrant parents to put all the pressure on the child to do all these things for them as she explained in the video. I’m a first generation born in the U.S. My family is from Mexico. My parents have been here over 30 years. At first yeah my older sister would help them with paying bills and translating for them. But guess what my parents decided to learn English and how to do all of these things and be self reliant. So it’s a choice if these immigrant parents want to integrate here.

[@mygoodlife204]

I think they are just scared that once they start doing these things she will leave. It's their way of holding on to her. Because how did they manage to emigrate, buy a house....?

[@potato1084]

If you’re born in the US you’re second generation. I didn’t know this until recently. I was born in the UK so also second gen and while my parents have never pressured me to provide for them there’s definitely a huge sense of responsibility to take care of them especially when you’re in poverty.

[@callmechow6142]

thank you. same thing with us. we took the time to teach them and they now know how to do things. are they perfect? nope. they are willing to make mistakes and learn.

[@KirbyJ89]

Just a little devils advocate… these Asian immigrants seem to be succeeding as a whole at a lot higher rates than white, black, and Mexican communities… why are we trying to inject our western culture into theirs when they seem to have stronger family bonds, less divorce rates, greater financial success, more self discipline, better education, and more? Maybe we should be taking some tips from them!

[@juanbermudez1321]

@@potato1084really?!? It doesn’t make sense. I always say I’m first generation because of the fact that I was raised in the US although my parents are from Mexico. Reason I say first gen is because I grew up in the states and the culture in the states. My parents never grew up with the same culture I have. They didn’t

[@brycejamison8441]

Another great video Caleb! I would love to see more guest up and down the financial score spectrum to put some of these 0-2s into perspective. You could help so many people by showing an example of the small changes someone could make to get to a 3 or 4 with an actual example.

[@eliza_kai]

Caleb, you handled this very well. You were extremely sensitive to her position and gave her options. Great episode as this will resonate with many young immigrant men and woman. Unfortunately, for this young lady, she will need to be the one that has an open discussion with her parents. She needs to tell them she’s drowning in debt. She’s literally shaking with anxiety and fear.

[@RodneyKingg]

The most irritating part of this convo is playing the “it’s my culture” card followed up by the “well the American dream” card right after. No accountability for bad decisions

[@BrookieCookie]

Whew, she came into this way too defensively. She should WANT her parents to be independent and be able to function without her. If something unfortunate happens to her they could lose everything just because they're unaware of all of the things she's doing for them.

[@melevonne]

That’s understandable but at this point her parents probably need extensive ESL classes.

[@BrookieCookie]

@@melevonne Possibly, but to be honest I'd be shocked if there's not a way to translate the sites she's paying the bills on through a google setting or an extension.

[@user-ys6xc8jd2t]

This is true, however I feel like your approach is a bit harsh. When your parents are immigrants, they’re battling cultural AND technological differences. Many immigrants, my in-laws specifically, aren’t computer savvy and get talked down upon when they call call centers. I’d like to touch that Americans aren’t as receptive to immigrants and the language barrier - Because of this, I see why she steps in to help her parents. How can you one who already doesn’t speak the language well take time to utilize good translate to speak with an impatient customer service agent who’s already taken 100 calls? You can be a bit more understanding to her situation and the reality of the daily tasks that are simple to you yet difficult to another.

[@BrookieCookie]

@@user-ys6xc8jd2t I'm not sure where I was harsh at. I simply stated that she should want her parents to be independent for their own well-being. I also answered the other commenter that there is likely a way to translate a website so her parents wouldn't have to learn an entire language to pay their bills. I personally don't need to call someone to pay my bills, but I'm sure some do.

[@Kdmac1231]

My thought is, i don't think she said exactly but i assume her parents have been here for at least 20 years. that is enough time to at least learn how to navigate utilities

[@ksndra]

@calebhammer Caleb, bless you for balancing compassion and devil’s advocate. It’s a rare skill and an art to hear you work with someone like this who is asking for your help, defending her parents, trying to not look irresponsible as an Asian daughter, and trying find accountability for actions made… ALL at the same time. I get it because I was in her shoes. It’s not my fault my parents couldn’t teach me more than saving money. But balancing traditional Asian culture and American economics was so tough. BLESS YOU CALEB. This is all life saving information and you are literally creating a better life in ways our parents couldn’t.

[@user-si3nf2qw4t]

One of the best episodes so far! Was able to connect on so many levels.

[@ihopethis1]

This opening conversation is legitimately a really nice introduction to this episode

[@plummerofficial]

She's very argumentative. Its like, why the hell did you even come on the show? She's so entrenched in her thoughts and beliefs that it makes it difficult to even offer reasonable suggestions.

[@user-cf7cg2rs9n]

He did such a great job diffusing her antagonistic behavior

[@breeeque]

She is lol

[@monicathaomy6683]

as a first gen asian woman, i needed this video - financial understanding and emotional validation, thanks caleb (:

[@kennedycuevas8076]

I loved this conversation, it is such a unique experience to be an immigrant or a child of immigrant parents. The guilt you feel about the sacrifices your parents/family make for you, so YOU can have “the life they never had”. Even if they do not expect anything in return for those sacrifices there is this part of you that will always feel you owe them money, time, freedom, care, etc because of whatever they had to give up for themselves. I’m only like 15 min into the episode but I totally get what she is saying and I appreciate them both being open and accepting of each other’s positions despite their cultural differences.

[@nikkibee139]

As a first gen kid (and only daughter!), seeing stories like this make me so beyond grateful that my parents chose to break the cycle with me and see that using me as their retirement plan is ultimately selfish and harmful. That's what their parents did to them, and their parents before them, and it just begets financial codependency upon financial codependency and helps no one. To all the other first gen kids out there, if your parents didn't break the cycle with you, please break this cycle with YOUR kids if you choose to have them. Your child doesn't have to be your sole meal ticket in life in order to have a close bond with you or care for you deeply in your later years. Some traditions deserve to be broken.

[@maggiealelew]

First gen and only daughter too!! And same exact boat

[@Bynming]

I'm glad to see that there are good parents out there breaking the cycle. I see so many people online making all kinds of arguments saying my parents gave me the world and it only makes sense that they would now be dependent on me for the rest of their lives. I get the sentiment but I have a lot of admiration for people who don't choose to burden their children with responsibility. It takes a lot of strength to immigrate with little, push through the challenges and hardships and build financial security for themselves.

[@nikkibee139]

@@Bynming Totally! There's a HUGE difference between loving your parents and being there for them if they need support (especially in cases of illness, injury, or old age)... and it's a completely different thing for your parents to not plan for their future at all because to them, you are their future, you are their retirement plan, and you are their emergency fund. We call it for what it is when parents do this for their grown children -- spoiled, codependent, unhealthy -- but when immigrant parents are the beneficiaries, it's all of a sudden the most magical, loving, caring thing. NOPE. It's a generational curse. How little would I think of my parents if I thought they could move to this country with nothing, learn the language, raise a child, contribute to society... but not be able to navigate their retirement years without me being there to be a personal bank and hand-holder?

[@23kurtzy]

You don’t get it. It’s our culture. You have to take care of me because I always expected you to.

[@piercexlr878]

​@@23kurtzyDoesnt make it right

[@danperez2297]

Weaponized filial piety is absolutely abhorrent -- it completely removes any responsibility from the previous generation, and sees it as a retirement plan rather than a "respect" system. When she says "It doesn't matter what I want" (18:43) we can even notice that then, the weaponization of respecting your parents becomes a slave mentality, where you have no other choice because you feel as if you have to owe it to them. She even follows that same quote with "it's not like they wanted to raise their kid either" -- this is the kicker. She feels like she has become a burden to them by being born, when it was THEIR choice to have a child. Filial piety can suppress an individual's right to express their own thoughts, desires, and opinions. Of course she feels pressured to conform to her parents' wishes and expectations, hindering her ability to discover her true identity and pursue her own path in life. Filial piety can sometimes be emotionally manipulative, with parents using their children's love and duty against them to extract financial or emotional support. This can lead to strained family relationships and emotional distress. How strained? She's willing to defend their lack of progress, and their ineptitude, to the point that she has felt obligated to become their 24/7 representative to this new cultural environment they've willingly put themselves into.

[@tmi4507]

This was beautifully said

[@amoose8439]

Excellent point.

[@trackee2024]

Alright, leave her alone. Stop imposing your cultural values on other people. It's so cringy when people try to call adult humans "slaves" when they are making this choice. She has autonomy. This was super condescending.

[@William-Morey-Baker]

​@@trackee2024there are SO MANY scenarios in which adults make "choices" that result in slavery and remove their ability to actually decide... or, as in this scenario your parents make a decision and their parents before them, and they ultimately take the choice away from you.... being born into a cult or certain "religions" are extreme examples, but many cultures use the same methods to enforce their traditions

[@benstanfill363]

​@@angelicavasquez3870you don't understand what a slave is then. Making a hard choice is not the same as being a piece of property. What a absolute slap in the face to actual slaves.

[@jvall5879]

We needed a first gen financial audit 😫 love this video thanks Caleb

[@CC-yw5pw]

Did I hear that incorrectly? Her mother took out a whole life insurance policy on her and SHE has to pay the premium?

[@worldwide_wes]

18:43 “it doesn’t matter what I want it’s not like my parents wanted to raise their kid either”. 😮 I’ll take Childhood Trauma for $2000 Alex. Man I feel bad for her.

[@jackb616]

I have actually heard this before. The idea of - well my parents raised me as a baby so now I have to pay them back as an adult. As if the parents did them a “favor” by paying for their diapers or milk? Very odd in my opinion.

[@Pinoyguitarist5]

I thinknit more based on the idea that, the parents went through alot of hardship to bring their children to the US to give then a better a life aspect. Parents also sacrificed their own livelihood to provide for their children and give them a good life. Those are the factors behind, I owing parents something and the conflict around that. It's not like just bc one had kids, it's more the parenting style and life provided and the means. By coming to the US compared to what their lives would have to been of they grew up in the home/origin country, especially if they were not well off there. But yes, it's a common thing for 1st generation kids to have to handle and balance. Some have it worst, some have to better, depends on the parent situation.

[@FIREownyourtime]

Kids didn't choose to be born. Parents choose to have them. Then blame them that they have to suffer and give up stuff to take care of the kid. My parents specifically told me she had three kids so that the kids can be her back up support in her retirement.

[@Stellastarsss]

I think when talking about her taking on her parents cultural and language barriers, a better question than “do you want to do this forever?” would have been “if you died in a freak accident today, how would your parents survive?” I think framing the question as her doing what is best for her parents as opposed to her gaining independence from them would have been received better. But another interesting episode, Caleb!

[@sheviper]

Yes, this

[@americangirlx4]

Yes, it's ez to frame perfected questions while comfortably sitting with our phone, but remember Caleb has to control his emotions and building frustration all while juggling numbers and giving excellent emotional support and financial recommendations. I'm amazed he does as well as he does. Sometimes I find myself yelling thru the screen, " Who ru kidding? You're delusional, wake-up, stop trying to eat ur feelings, grow up, you're lying to yourself, ur future is gonna be a dumpster fire....etc. etc!!! 😂😂

[@12137Marth]

I was thinking the same thing. Boundaries don't have to mean you're being selfish, it's genuinely what's best in the big picture for everyone and the relationship. It doesn't mean she's done with ever helping or looking out for them, it's just that becoming self reliant is always much more beneficial for them, plus her own stress levels and well-being so that she is still emotionally available and able to maintain her work life balance. Honestly I bet her parents have no idea the kind of debt she's in and they wouldn't want her to bother if they knew

[@Mike-kl5yc]

@@12137Marthand if they didn’t care about their debt, they are shitty parents. Not all parents deserve kids.

[@paulaa.1445]

I disagree. I don’t think reframing the question would help, because she still finds an excuse to attack instead of thinking critically about what the question really means. She is in a position of resentment and anger, and not even the perfect question would make her answer truthfully.

[@cecynay7369]

I could feel that she was about to break down after she said that she WANTED to enable her parents the rest of her life. Like, you could just feel how hurt she was behind that. She feels like she has no choice and she just has to accept the situation because it's culturally expected and her family has given her no other option unless she wants to be potentially cut off in some way or another. This is really heartbreaking.

[@Toni612]

Thank you for this episode. Shedding some light on other cultures within the US economy is extremely enlightening. I love the respectful 20 minute dialogue you both had before jumping into her financial audit.

[@by.carlie.lynch.]

making sure she’s okay at the beginning was very sweet of you

[@Erandy_]

Right? How is Caleb still single 🥺

[@annapri1526]

I love that he asked if she was okay. I was so sweet and genuine💛

[@HeyTammy]

I resonate with her about the whole teaching your parents how to do things so they can be self-sufficient. My mom is more open to learning and being able to do things on her own. But my dad loves to have things done for him. Less work for him. My dad would call me for help all the time and I don’t live with my parents anymore. Sometimes it’s hard to help when I’m not there with him in person too. I try to teach him few times, but then he’ll forget how to do things. I feel like his memory isn’t as great as before too as he’s getting older.

[@LiquidMa]

Does anyone else feel like she's on the verge of tears at any moment? 😮

[@seriouslymason]

Yes. Very weird watch

[@Mary-rq3cn]

how did she honestly expect to come on here and now have any aspect of her family dynamic questioned? Paying into a house and then paying ONE THOUSAND a month to your parents is hilarious

[@dreamylovee7993]

she wasn't fighting back, she agreed to an extent with caleb but also did not fully realize her consequences. she knew she was going to be questioned. she even something along the lines of "i know i was going to come here and i was ready to be criticized". but she is trying to deflect on HER spending habits, it sounded like she didn't want caleb to degrade her family or culture. she took it pretty well, all things considered.

[@rubyescobedo5750]

​@@dreamylovee7993she knew she was gonna be questioned on it and her response is her wanting to move past it as fast as possible....she's definitely fighting back. But oh well that's her.

[@joana_124]

I think I was the most confused during this part of the conversation.. bc what 🫣 I still don’t get it? She paying them?

[@alexrawlings1653]

She uses American consumer culture as an excuse for her spending, Chinese culture as an excuse for her unsustainable living situation… I guess European culture is why she blew 10k on vacation. It’s everyone’s fault but hers.

[@razup2323]

She’s the perfect millennial

[@Britt4880]

Right like girl what is YOUR culture?

[@clareseib9000]

I loved this episode it showed excellent nuance in finances!!

[@ryanpeck3760]

Hey Caleb. Would be interesting to see some 'mini audits' of some people who might have a hammer score of 5ish - that way you can help them be a 7+

[@JJ-zr6fu]

The American dream is not to be the ultimate consumer it’s the ability to chart your own path despite where you started in life.

[@purpurina5663]

I presume the American Dream is precisely the reason her parents immigrated. By blaming her issues on the American dream she is unknowingly recognizing that her parents didn't do it right.

[@nicalicious3002]

You know when you watch My 600lb Life and you quickly realize that the people on the show don't actually want to lose weight and be healthy? A lot of Caleb's guests don't actually want to stop spending and be debt-free.

[@turtleanton6539]

Yes😊

[@robbieisonfire]

​@alexandria65 This ain't the place for excuses

[@denysejones4716]

That’s a great explanation of how these people be acting.

[@XFizzlepop-Berrytwist]

I do have to wonder how people can get that big? Like… I get pretty full easily, but I do snack on junk food a lot. I’m kinda fat, haha but 600+ is crazy. But like… what the hell are they eating to be that big? I know its probably gradual, and you dont notice things over time… but I dunno.

[@regularity2556]

​@@XFizzlepop-BerrytwistMost of them were obese children with serious abuse in their childhood.

[@rjatx9]

I've been watching for 6 months. Watched most of your sessions. Truely one of my favorite convos. Respectful yet throwing new thoughts to her. Totally get her situation. I'm a product of immigrant parents, though not asian. I do have many asian friends and have some insight into her point of view. No one wrong here, but again what a intriguing convo.

[@calminacrisis126]

What’s cool about Caleb is he is continuing to evolve. About 12 min in you can see this. Like all of us, he gets wiser over time and through experience. Fun to see. Also I think it’s important to acknowledge the predominant Chinese investment psychology. Its pretty much all real estate over there.

[@rpieces541]

Exactly as Caleb said, if you have a child, you owe that child the best care you can. That child in return does not owe you anything, they did not ask to be born.

[@moxiecreature7158]

You'll be amazed how plenty Asian parents will flip that comment and say that it's your karma or that you asked to be rebirthed as their child in your past life somewhere. Sounds like gaslighting, but hey, this illogical generational culture curse is so real, there's no escaping. 🤷‍♀️

[@Mike-kl5yc]

@@moxiecreature7158yep personally I don’t give a fuck. I’m an Asian American and I would help my parents in need. HOWEVER, if it comes into the cost of me going into debt or force my retirement to be into a higher age, hell no I ain’t helping. Luckily my parents are respectful of my finances and they are caring instead of being manipulative. Edit: it’s also important to note that if they keep asking you for help, you should refuse to help. This may sound rude but they can’t rely on your child for fucking everything. Lessons have to be learned.

[@purpurina5663]

I believe well brought-up children owe (and would naturally feel) respect and gratitude to their parents. But paying it back tit for tat is a whole other thing.

[@speedycatz]

As an Asian myself, the concept of collectivism is intended to preserve family values and ensure survival. In the event that one individual faces challenges, the others can provide support, allowing everyone to progress together. My parents have instilled a strong sense of independence in me, and they don't expect to rely on us in their old age. I'm extremely grateful for this, so when someone claims that filial piety means children should serve as their parents' retirement plan and prevent them from establishing their own families, it's often a form of psychological manipulation driven by selfish motives. Such individuals are prioritizing their own well-being over the continuity of their family lineage.

[@ih458]

This felt more personal than usual on both side... he seems really invested in her and choices with her parents.

[@rachellerman9204]

Love how he recognizes his own anxiety first and communicates accordingly. ❤

[@chih6654]

I am going to have to call her BS out on this one. As the "first gen" immigrant myself moving from the similar area to where she is from, she CHOSE to be in debt and blamed it on the "American System". She also blamed and mentioned many things she has done poorly due to "cultural" differences, which is a pure victim mentality when she could easily get ahold and ahead of herself and her future.

[@500dollarjapanesetoaster8]

There should be an automatic financial deduction for the ones who come in with the expensive nails. The "American System" is mostly optional if you're not worried about keeping up with the Joneses. Honestly, I think she's lying about being happy to stay the old maid and take care of her parents. That's why she's panicked and felt so out of it she needed to escape on an expensive vacation to feel alive again. The problem isn't the vacation, it's the unhandled situations at work and home that need to be addressed.

[@dobia4486]

I was looking for this comment, 27 minutes in she took no accountability and blamed the American system

[@HungAtTheMall]

@@dobia4486 Same, I'm not sure how you can say something along the lines of "this isn't an excuse but most Americans do etc." & then just do exactly what she stated. At some point she has to be an adult and be held accountable. Learn to set boundaries with your family and yourself. You'll live much happier.

[@loriej9297]

Glad you brought this up. When being Chinese offers an excuse for irresponsible spending, she says she's Chinese. When being American offers an excuse for irresponsible spending, she says she's American. Seems like she is weighed down much more by her victim mentality than she is by having to translate for her parents who have been in this country for 20 years.

[@amyk.2500]

My first gen fiancé also used to talk like this. He said he had “made peace with living in poverty.” I told him that was unacceptable if he wanted to marry me. Fast forward, he’s become much more financially stable and literate!

[@SashimiTheYorkie]

As a child of low income immigrant parents I don't agree with blaming your culture for your spending habits. You have to educate yourself and break the cycle. I come from a Mexican family that struggled to put food on the table and had utilities shutoff on a regular basis. My parents likely made around 30k tops but we were able to get by. I've heard it time and time again from people in my culture saying "Just buy it we're gonna be in debt for the rest of our lives anyway." I think this is a common thing and its up to us as individuals to break that mindset. - But what do I know I'm just a misunderstood Yorkie

[@_Wai_Wai_]

yo Dawg !

[@kaimarro517]

Yes!!! Watching how far my parents got with so little only proves that I have no excuse. I’m so thankful how financially savvy my parents were with so little. I’m where I’m at today because I saw their struggle and always wanted more for myself and my own family.

[@esmeraldaparker2137]

I 10000% agree. I am STRUGGLING understanding anything about investing and retirement and I literally am going to college to learn so I can explain this to my kids later on in life(they're small now but still) if I don't put in the work, I'm just putting that on them and that's not fair.

[@potato1084]

I agree. I’m from Middle Eastern immigrant parents and they’ve always been responsible enough with money to where we had healthy food and some level of savings. I know plenty who aren’t like that though. My friend’s parents go into debt and are compulsive spenders.

[@potato1084]

@@esmeraldaparker2137The internet can be a great resource too. I’m expecting a child soon and there’s definitely a pressure to provide so they have a better life and can afford more.

[@limitlessends]

She was by far my favorite guest so far.

[@carlosj.r.7390]

I really appreciate the environment that this channel provides where Caleb has the liberty to push and pry people in uncomfortable subjects to the verge of being offensive, and in many cases can afford to actually be offensive because he has set out a context with the personality that he's taken on in here, and each guest understands this going in, so it's great to have him be able to really twist that knife in a way I'm sure most parents lecture their own kids about when it comes to wasteful spending. It's really difficult to talk to someone you're giving advice to that way, especially about purchases made in the past. It's basically judging their lifestyle. And criticism using hindsight sometimes feels pointless cuz it's something that can't be changed now, and a lot of people will take it as a personal attack, but I feel Caleb does it so the guest can really hear and feel how drastic the situation and behavior is, and what the emotions and reaction should actually be when this wasteful spending is given a second thought, especially when there is a substantial amount of debt affecting their current and future lives. He's virtually saving their lives, as well as laying out the mindset that we as viewers should start having. For better or worse, money is one of the most important subjects in our lives if not the most important. and I think it's commendable to have him have discussions even about cultural situations when it comes to finances cuz that's his devoted craft, so he needs to talk about things to wear they make the most sense from that aspect and he's unrelenting even during sensitive topics, and I don't see that as offensive, I see it as constructive and actually respectful of different cultures. Many would avoid difficult conversations when it comes to foreign cultural traditions and behavior, and it they're missing out on learning something about immigrant lifestyles, but in questioning it, it allows the other person to open up about the intricacies of certain mindsets and by defending it they're making an argument for why it's beneficial and gives insight to why certain behaviors are followed. I think it gives every viewer a chance to see things from a different perspective and realize that there are differences that should at least be acknowledged and be made aware of, and that they might have their own benefit if applied in different areas of life, and allows the person defending their own culture of seeing another perspective too. That's beneficial as well because they're being given advice that may help them better navigate whatever culture or country they visit or call home. In the end nobody needs to be hurt if it's done with the best intentions in mind.

[@turtleanton6539]

Very fax

[@renpilak6048]

She hides behind “culture” and “tradition” at her convenience. Consumerism = blames America! Helping family = blames Chinese tradition! What she truly needs is to hold herself accountable for her own actions! IMOHO.

[@dianacagle2545]

Came to the comments to say the same thing. Her victim mentality is getting her into financial trouble and she is close-minded making it unlikely she will change her habits.

[@vidyavisions]

thank you i was waiting for someone with common sense to comment

[@thegoldeneagle1468]

You have quite a close-minded opinion for having not experienced any of this first-hand.

[@renpilak6048]

@@thegoldeneagle1468 , and you say that because ??? 🤣🤣🤣

[@UziBert1997]

FACTS!!

[@AllthingsZsa-2727]

I feel for the poor girl. When she said that her parents didn’t “want” to raise a child and it doesn’t matter what she wants to do as a grown adult. It really showed that her parents may have communicated that they resent her in some way. She may even try to overcompensate that feeling by making herself responsible for them. Which would explain her defensiveness. That’s an awful dynamic to be apart of and to carry in life.

[@amp2193]

Seems like a normal chick thing to me. Blame everyone but themselves. "It's American culture" , "I'm an immigrant you don't have asian parents you don't understand", "I don't regret going to Europe spending 10k" etc...

[@kunya16]

​@@amp2193Europe and then Mexico and then other little trips and makeup and "mental health" care spending. All because "stupid white people and Asian parents". She just needs to grow up.

[@vidyavisions]

poor girl?

[@zacharythompson2342]

Caleb is a financial therapist and i love it!

[@thedreamingeye5779]

This is where I’m super grateful for my parents and the sacrifices they made for us at an early age. My parents immigrated here from Hungary at the end of communism. They were farmers with nothing to their names. They came here wanting to make a good lives for themselves and for my brother and I. They took the initiative to learn the language, learn the culture, and manage their finances. We started out very low income, but while I was still very young they sacrificed sleep and any time they had to both work and go to school full time to build a better life for us. They never ONCE had the expectation that their kids would be the one having to take care of them. They were completely self sufficient because they had the drive. My dad ended up having a stroke on the job and had to medically retire. My mom still works full time in her 60’s while taking care of my dad. They STILL don’t ask me for help with anything financially, or ask me to do stuff for them. Do I go out of my way to do stuff for them? Obviously, but it was never expected of me. This is the way parents should be, kids aren’t their retirement plan. If you immigrate to another country wanting to take the benefits of what it has to offer, at least make an effort to learn how to navigate it a little bit. God forbid this girl has some kind of tragic accident resulting in her not being able to take care of her parents anymore. Then what happens? They won’t be able to survive because they refused to learn how to fend for themselves.

[@PumpkinPotatoPie]

As a latino immigrant, i had to stop giving my parents money because i realized they were using it to live a lifestyle they could not afford, it became a question of me barely living so they could enjoy my income. This is where she needs to question the mental toll this is taking on her if it will really hurt her parents or only make them deal with something they should be dealing with in the first place

[@kitananikolai6708]

👏🏽

[@so-bs1xs]

It's seems every non white parents do this. Spend money on unnecessary things then go cry to their children they dont have money to eat. And since the children help them, they continue the cycle.

[@bryann9182]

Ahh yes another financial audit episode!! Time to check my credit card balances that I haven’t used in months to make sure the balance is still $0 😂

[@JK-td4hi]

Just make sure they don’t get closed, it can lower your credit score temporarily ;)

[@Prairiewench]

​​@@JK-td4hiIf someone is not a credit card person, it's better for them to close the cards and have a low credit score. That's better than the potential debt they could be in

[@BreeceByBryce]

@@JK-td4hithe closing itself does not lower it. It is if it’s the longest living credit card (decreases the average age of credit) or increases your percent of credit being used from the loss of that credit availability. If you close a random card in the middle age wise, with a minimal credit limit, it may not do anything.

[@trekkie79startrek23]

My is around 1000k but it will be paid off this week. Moving expenses.

[@yiweilin917]

@@trekkie79startrek23 what did you move for a million dollars?

[@whyamimr]

LOL Actual taquito! This was a really nice episode. I think Wendi may have some more introspection to do about how to find a balance between "I owe my parents everything" and "everyone must look after themselves at all times" conflicting values systems. I'm sure she'll ultimately end up somewhere a bit more family centered than US norms, but hopefully she'll also able to sense when she's trying to do so much she'll reach a breaking point (with work or family!). Therapy could help!

[@hollyhsu352]

I feel this from both sides. I’m an American white woman who grew up financially illiterate, and my husband is a first gen (came to US as a young teen) Asian. It blew my mind how close the family is and how it’s expected that money and resources flows freely between everyone and how everything is done for the parents. After being in the family for 20 years, it’s still blows my mind, but it’s been helpful when we needed the help.

[@Nessal83]

You don't marry your husband. You marry his family. That is how it is for asians.

[@zetaforever4953]

That's the thing. It needs to be both ways. Otherwise it's just exploitation. I'm from Asia (still live here) and the idea that a parent could charge rent for letting their kids live in their own house was mind-boggling to me, when I first heard it. It's like a husband asking his wife to pay rent, or vice versa. It simply makes no sense. Your parents house IS your house. No parent in their right mind would dare suggest that their child pay rent, and if they did, society would consider it perfectly reasonable for the child to then abandon such a parent in old age. Because the sharing of resources has to be both ways. Children would never send their parents to an old age home. In return, their parents' home would always be there for them to return to if/when needed. If either party breaks that contract, the other side is in no way obligated to keep upholding it. That's just abuse.

[@genxx2724]

@@zetaforever4953 I disagree. An adult offspring living at home should contribute. I am in the USA.

[@500dollarjapanesetoaster8]

Being an in-law to an Asian family. I can appreciate the pull-together ethos. However, I see relatives who lay on their oars because they know someone will pick up the slack. You can see 20% of the family working super hard, but maybe 30-40% slack or can't work. No one can get ahead because they won't get the lazy ones shamed enough to change. The "saving face" mindset drives me nuts.

[@fendybendy6466]

​@@genxx2724yup i agree. I am 18 and started working right bfore i turned 18. Bring hom abt 1600 a month and give my mom 1-200 a month while atayong with my mom. We live in an expensive place and both of us are trying to save as much as we can, so i have no problem contributing at least a little to expenses.

[@suzykennedy3559]

18:30 My concern with not teaching her parents is what if something happened to her and being an only child. I went to college with someone who passed in an accident who was a first generation and took care of everything. I can only imagine how rough it was for their parents. Suddenly losing a child and then having to navigate everything alone It can be frustrating but worth while to teach parents new ways

[@CalebHammer]

That’s the main thing I was trying to say 😫 but I know I don’t have the best way with my words lol

[@mindyvaughan9638]

That’s what I was thinking too

[@arielgaede3673]

This was my first thought as well!

[@Yaroshi86]

Yep this is what I'm thinking, I'm in the same place with my parents and I have worked hard for them to be semi independent in case something happens to me. If that means my brothers and sister have to help also they need to be involved. I know the goal is always to bury your parents but one never knows.

[@terrigast910]

Yes!! What if she’s in a coma or worse? You’re not doing your parents any favors by doing everything for them.

[@marychicago9488]

Caleb, we rarely get to see your philosophical arguments. It was so interesting to observe how you owned this conversation.

[@warrenf8677]

When it came to finances coming from a similar household I had to have these conversations with my parents about having balance between being there to support and guide them and also taking care of my future - while it is emotionally and morally understandable to follow the norms of an Asian household sometimes it is not the best method for your future financial situation and that is okay - talk it out and come to a solution. It’s not easy but it’s doable and worth it

[@JakeHaugen]

I think you would benefit a lot from asking something early on to get your guests to say what they are thinking of changing. Saying something like, “Your situation isn’t working for you. You came on this show for help. What do you think needs to change about your behavior for you to get out of debt/buy a house/retire?” That way you can meet them where they are and confront their assumptions about how things will work. It also could give them some more conviction because they’re agreeing that they’re willing to change and now you’re collaborating on what to specifically change.