Your love TRIGGERS the avoidant

[@sheliasmith2884]

This is why they do not need to be in any relationship and we need to leave them alone unless they are doing the work and therapy and even then it's a toss up.For me I'm done love is not pain we are better then this

[@BiscuitsNGravy-p3l]

Coach Ryan is doing God’s Work. I can’t imagine how many people are going to wake up and make changes with their relationships with avoidants and within themselves. We don’t have to tolerate this mess. When you hit that point of “enough”, that’s when change will happen. Coach Ryan is eloquently explaining the situations we find ourselves in when with avoidants and the cost we pay.

[@PriorMO]

@@BiscuitsNGravy-p3l Yes, Indeed

[@deboraocallaghan8797]

Man, I wish I saw this chanel when I was in my 4 years relationship with my ex. I was so triggered in my anxiety when he was distancing that I thought I was the problem

[@cecilang9721]

I found channels like these when I felt so bad like thrown away. But suddenly realized, I didn’t do anything wrong! It was him. He is the problem. Been trying to heal ever since.

[@heksie5199]

Damn, spot on 💔 Wish i had all this knowledge in the midst of it. Now it makes so much more sense.

[@beatssquaa]

Right? All this knowledge at the time would have been CLUTCH

[@melissachew8798]

Thank u Coach Ryan, from the bottom of my heart. My heart is so shattered.... 😭

[@heksie5199]

Know the feeling. Listen to this on repeat.. again and again.. there is nothing you could’ve done to turn it otherwise. Take it day by day.. be well ❤

[@melissachew8798]

@heksie5199 I'm in Phuket on holidays with him, and it feels like I'm trying to grapple in quicksand. Everything I do or say is met with indifference or irritation. Thank u for your kind words......🥹 I hope u are well too.🙂

[@the_blue_lotus_portal]

This is excellent guidance. Thank you. It was ok for me to stay on the rollercoaster for awhile because it helped me see myself at a deep level and heal, but I'm now to a point that my standards have raised and what aligned before no longer does. I know the person I love is working on himself but he's very closed off to me right now. He's very aware of his issues. I'll always love him and at the same time, the door is open just a crack at this point for his close involvement in my life when he comes back around. It breaks my heart but I am finally detaching and open to the possibility that maybe it won't be us in the end. I don't have control over that but I do have control over where I place my energy and what dynamics I contribute to. I can love him from whatever distance is harmonious, balanced, and emotionally safe for me.

[@geemail369]

🏆

[@atmodlee]

This was an excellent comment. Thank you for sharing.

[@PriorMO]

@@the_blue_lotus_portal Wisdom and very well put! My experience has been the same. I am grateful for all of it. I have learned who I am in the process. No Blame anymore at all. I know that I can love him without conditions on who he should be fir me to love him. And yet, I know that, I, am no longer that person when we met 21 years ago. I appreciate the experience. I am better for it. I really like the way you expressed your experience. I wish you both all the best. 🙏🏽💜

[@rmf9522]

30 years with this person. Lots of love, freedom for personal pursuits for both of us. Things were great, until we both retired. The deactivation, lack of future planning and the inability for what is normal conversation in a relationship has killed my spirit. I realize now that we became each other's triggers. I am in counseling to save myself.

[@PriorMO]

@@rmf9522 WoW

[@hope4life495]

Which is called being selfish

[@jezabel279]

After several months of living this dinamic I realised that the best thing for me is turning this into a friendship. I care about him and I'll be there for him but I won't want nor deserve a relationship like that.

[@sheliasmith2884]

And even with that be careful because they are cool with that. I became a friend and ended up with friends with benefits I said he'll no I'm better then this .

[@emanrandom121]

I logically get it but i still feel bad about it almost like i miss her

[@jaredvaughan1665]

Loving is not chasing when they ask space.

[@ropesofpearls9758]

They don't even ask for space! They just withdraw!

[@adreaminxy]

Then you give them space, they get lonely, and cheat on you 🤷‍♀️

[@BryonyWalker]

Your most succinct and valuable video to date Coach Ryan. A balance of hope and honesty with a healthy dose of reality as well.

[@sheliasmith2884]

Again stay away from these people if they are not working on themselves you are asking for severe heartbreak I've been there never again.

[@vanessaG275]

respect, emotional connection, appreciation gratitude, desire beyond physical presence matters, partnership and teamwork is what normal people who fall in love have. With a DA you have none of them. And just when you think you do they go cold and pooph vanish.

[@vanessaG275]

You sacrifice your own needs by walking away. Sure it is going to be so hard but finally you will be pain-free and discover the "Old" you.

[@Pinchofpunch]

This hits. I completely lost myself and who I was by the end of the relationship. I was the anxious and depressed version of myself. I didn’t understand why I was so down and unmotivated, especially when I was finally in a relationship that I thought was what I always wanted. Turns out it wasn’t and her emotional unavailability and immaturity was subconsciously driving me to a dark place. Now I’m free to rediscover my old and new self.

[@ritapeters1330]

It hurts so much ..I wished I had never met him

[@cleopetra87]

Wow that's so true! When I was with him.. I lost my self, my identity, I wasn't who I am. And after I walked away, I felt my old self again.

[@Mate_Mateo]

I tought it will all be good and didnt doubt myself with her at all. After bu I lost myself but picking up pieces and coming back to my old self, just a bit smarter this time after 5 months. Still hurts that she didnt contacted me once after bu, I did once and we spent 4 hours talking. Idk.. its weird that she had no problem with talking to me that much and was invested but still wont contact me. But it is what it is.

[@cleopetra87]

@@Mate_Mateo I'm proud of you for accepting what's happened and taking it as it is.. I hope you fully heal even though it will always hurt 😔

[@moa7868]

Learned it the hard way

[@MadMaxMan2008]

I’ve been in love with this woman for 20 years and I finally got to be with her and she turns out to be a Dismissive Avoidant!!! Great !!! So we did the 6 months honeymoon and she switched to the I wonder if this relationship is right for me. Then she switched to. I’m thinking about leaving. Then she left and then she did the elation. Where she’s happy she’s gone and now it’s been six months so looks like I’m in the same boat as everybody else.

[@perrysarluca4118]

Same here man. Same here. She ran to someone else. I don't know that for sure, but I know her and her ways when she dumps me.

[@perrysarluca4118]

Mine has been 3 months and she usually returned in that time, only because I chased. Now im NC for 3 months. Only thing I know is that she unblocked me from Facebook. Still not a peep from her.

[@MadMaxMan2008]

I never chased her. In fact I went no contact on instinct. I just felt it was the right thing to do. I have been watching all these KZbin videos and found out exactly what I was dealing with. I’ve been no contact for six months almost to the day. I’ve been phone blocked for that entire six months. I work with this person and I could just walk right down to her desk and talk to her or go to where she parks a car and wait for her, but I am not gonna do that if she doesn’t come back to me then that’s it.. do you think that’s a good plan?

[@kookiebnice]

​@MadMaxMan2008 don't do it. I met mine at the gym and it was great until it wasn't. He's a DA and pushed me away 2 days after we had a nice night out. He sees me at the gym and it's like we never knew eachother. It hurt me so much but I never showed it. People looked up to us because we seemed like the "perfect couple". Some even thought we were married and now we're not even cool. I had to cut his relationship off with my daughter because he'd reach out to her and never to me in months except to give "breadcrumbs". I initiated a talk after 4 months and it went nowhere. Left me feeling more unheard, invalidated and hurt. So, although I know he'll see me everyday, I will never let him see me down. Since then, I have lost weight, getting more compliments from men and I'm free from his half- ass efforts, gaslighting, lying and manipulation. He gets to see me smile and shine 4-5 days a week though I'm dealingwith the mess he left behind. And to make it even sweeter, his daughter stops to say hello and engage in nice conversations with me when she sees me at the gym. He just watches on the sidelines as I do me. So in all, the best plan is to do you. Work on you, heal and move on. Bless.

[@johndevivo8683]

Welcome aboard. Watch these video until you get it in your head that there is no hope for these people unless they go to therapy and get really really serious. None And they never go! Stop listening to how you feel and listen to your head

[@RichardVogt-zl6rn]

ive learnt over numerous times being with a dismissive avoidant female.. is i was an anxious attachment by the way. if your avoidant ex breaks up with you/friend zones you. BUT keeps coming back over numerous times. the best thing to do is communicate and listen to her. i know its hard.. but let go of the need of needing her or making her your priority. my partner and i were on and off for over a year. and now she called me today as she keeps coming back. but i now understand there need for space and time. the reasons to why they may block you (as immature as it is) is becase they feel overwhelmed if you go off at them or get upset or angry or criticize them for there behaviors.. they run from it. but what i realized to was that i was pressuring her for a relationship and how things used to be and that caused her to run as they don't like being pressured. the best thing anyway as im rambling on and what is working with us now is to communicate what you both want and need. but understand that if they keep coming back to you they do indeed love you. and im now talking to her nearly daily and she is coming to me and texting me. and said we will do all the things we wanted to do one at a time. one thing at a time. let them come to you and if they are upset or angry or whatever it is they are going on about just go ok i understand. aka if she says i need space just go ok no worries. im here if you need. instead of me texting and calling her all the time. its hard yes when they say i want to be "friends" but that doesn't mean its always over. that's there way of kind of going i want to give it another try as i love you but things are to overwhelming right now and under allot of pressure. friends can mean taking things slowly. if you're up for that. so far its working out.

[@1300SL]

How long was it between breakups did she usually return, weeks or months? What you say about them blocking you makes sense, my relationship ended after a phone argument & was blocked on all socials after 2 weeks into NC but then unblocked on FB only after 5 days. I think she was afraid I would try contacting her & be angry or confrontational in the process. Been 4 weeks since unblock & just over 6 weeks total NC now but haven't heard anything at all, she has watched one of my story's over that time & blocked me again for a couple of days & then unblocked, that has been all. I do not know what to do, I am so conflicted atm & having a hard time with the whole situation. Not 100% if she is DA or FA of if its just a result of her PTSD or a combination.

[@geemail369]

You really lucked out, finding an avoidant that is _willing _*_and_*_ able_ to talk about his/her feelings, wants, needs and their experience in general!

[@cecilang9721]

Or…you could just choose to find someone who is as happy to be with you as you are to be with them. Every day. And make a normal life. Nobody said your goal is to tame a wild animal, always approaching with caution, not being mad when they claw you, subverting your own pursuits to please them just in case they get triggered. You put yourself almost in a position of an abused person. Can you see that? Relationships don’t have to be this way. There are relationships where you can feel free from the daily fear of discard or distancing or growing cold or ghosting. You don’t have to live this way. It’s your choice, obviously, but why choose pain? Are they that much of a prize? Or is it your own issues that make you this accepting of a poor partner? Btw I agree with everything you’ve said, but since I’ve had the same experience, I’m asking my SELF these questions as I realize it’s super unhealthy to always have my finger in the wind being sos afraid of losing their feelings for me. Why isn’t HE afraid when he does some rude stuff to me that I will leave? Been building up my courage to call it quits. I’ve been so kind, so patient, so forgiving and it isn’t appreciated or returned. At this point I don’t care anymore. I deserve to be treated with empath, kindness too.

[@TexTheAlmighty]

Be careful, they want love right up until it's given.

[@Mudpuppyjunior]

The problem you will eventually face is, when you have perfected giving her the space she asks for she will feel safe enough to try truly loving you. When she does she will reach a new level of fear and leave. There is no alternative to the hard, painful work of therapy and healing. Absent that there is nothing you can do because the problem is inside them not in how people respond to them.

[@Satori88888]

U can't proof a locked heart. U can't fix another heart by forcing. Just love ( love has no limits) and as U well said , set your boundaries or move. Thanx for the vid. Totally agree and made that experience in the past. If a person loves herself/ himself, it won't bother him / her anymore coz we know that love doesn't force. Love IS... Love simply is a being state. If it's not working with him, than definitely with the new one who meets ur same level / vibe. Maybe that was just a journeystop for realizing to set boundaries and learn that U can't safe no one. Let them be. With the sexual intercourse u send ur energy to/ in them and that will make em born into the spiritual realm. Now their journey can start and if they do learn fast and don't sabotage themselves, they are lucky to get a relationship where souls dance, which is the real relationship. 🎉

[@lalitak7178]

Thank you so much

[@Rinzackie]

I have a avoidant GF. She dump me and explain to me. But like wtf i gave my life to her be good to her my love and everything just to destroy me? I'm done. If she come back i will not accept her. I'm moving on

[@Lukedalf]

I understand but i cant stop thinking if i try harder or wait she will accept how much she loves me

[@lizardluminals9324]

So do avoidants pick romantic partners that they don’t really care for?

[@cleopetra87]

They want romance but they can't handle it.. It's too triggering for them once they get further into the relationship

[@lizardluminals9324]

@ that makes sense, I’m curious if the long term relationships are with people they really don’t care about since it doesn’t trigger their fears

[@cleopetra87]

@lizardluminals9324 yesss that's right, my ex had many relationships with women who didn't connect emotionally. It made their breaking up (when it got toxic) easier with no feelings attached. The problem is when they're with a emotionally healthy person they get so triggered and pull away. Until they're on their own and feeling safe, they come back again. Like a rubberband. So what's happening to me right now, is for the 3rd time, he's trying to come back but I've blocked him and I'm not responding to anything that comes from him. Because I choose to not be in his vicious cycle. I choose myself and to be mentally healthy, even though I'm still recovering from it all.

[@vanessaG275]

@@cleopetra87 Well done. I know at times it's tempting, and we intend to say "Ok give him/her another chance but you will be back to square on. It took me 6 years to finally understand all that I needed to know about mine. I still miss him and sometimes ache for him but I am getting stronger each day. Don't think of him as much.

[@cleopetra87]

@vanessaG275 wow thank you 🙏 we are definitely in the same boat here. Thank you for sharing.. I don't feel so alone anymore. I hope you find someone special 🥰

[@MsMeriones]

I am sorry, but this is so one sided. I wanna hear more sbout what to do and how to heal. He’s just saying that it’s no use and you’re better off alone all the time. I disagree. I’m a healing FA and I’m with an avoidant that was so afraid of losing me that he actually listened to what I said and started to see a counselor. Slowly we are progressing towards being more than a situationship. We are in no hurry. None of us are. It works for us. We are opening up more and more with each other and slowly starting to trust that the other one is not gonna leave. We fight to make it work. It CAN be done. With patience, knowledge, understanding, love and time. Lots of time. Don’t give up hope just because it’s hard. It’s REALLY hard work. But there is hope. And remember. You can’t change the other person. But you CAN change yourself. I did. And this inspired my guy to change himself too. We’re breaking the patterns. ❤

[@PriorMO]

That's beautiful. Your experience is that you are working together. For me, the FA I love isnt willing to work at it. Everytime I suggested, I was told by them "That's for you, that doesnt work for me. You can't tell me what will work for me. I dont need any help, Im fine the way I am. I dont want a relationship with anyone!" Therefore, After 20 years of trying, I had no other choice than to remove myself from their presence. The next week after I moved, they moved another person in. 4 months later, that person called me crying about how all their belongings were tossed in the trash one night. Two days later, the new person moved back. Today, I am so very happy. Its taken me 3 years of therapy to find peace and love for myself. I applaud you and your partner. Thanks for sharing your story. 🙏🏽🫶🏾

[@MsMeriones]

@ Yeah. I know that it is not working out for everyone. I’m sorry you had to go through that. 😔 What I meant was that sometimes the avoidants (both me and my partner) just wanna stop the cycle and make new choices. And I’d like to hear more about how to to do that. How to heal. How to break through the barriers inside. How to control the fear. Etc. I wanna hear more hopeful and positive stuff too. I know it’s rare. But wonders can happen.

[@PriorMO]

@MsMeriones Thank you. Thats very honest. And your honesty gives others hope. I wish you both the best. 🙏🏽💜

[@ekinteko]

​@@PriorMO How do I convince someone to break out of their patterns? She truly loves me, and she knows she is unfair and sometimes cruel, and asks me to leave her alone. I asked if we could do counseling or therapy, but she got defensive and told me stop acting like she is crazy. And that (according to all her male friends) there is nothing wrong with her. I can always fix my heart, i just don't know how to heal her's.

[@MsMeriones]

@@ekinteko The tough choice is something she needs to make for herself. All you can control is yourself. What I did was actually to leave him. And I said that the choice was his. If he wanted me then he had to fight for me through healing himself. And if he didn’t then he made the choice to break up what we had, because I wanted to stay. I wanted to fight for us. I also said that being ”just friends” wasn’t an option. He’d loose me completely. And then I gave him a hug, looked him in the eyes and said: ”Fight for me!” And then I left. This woke him up and he really fought for me. He’s still fighting for me. And it’s been over a year since then. He’s sought help and he is healing. Slowly ofc. It’s a process you can’t rush. But I get that. I’m a patient person. I’m there for him. I didn’t ask him to change his behavior right away. That won’t work. But I asked him to get help and learn more about avoidance and work on his wellbeing. He’s still problematic ofc, but less so. He’s opening up more and he seems a bit happier. It will take time. Years even. To be with an avoidant is to find a way to cope while they heal. It’s crucial that one does not demand immediate change. Understand them, accept them as they are and push them towards healing, not a personality change. Patience! Loads!!!

[@rednvocal]

I think I triggered something when I talked about having dated other men when a couple of years ago he told me " there are plenty of fish in the sea". I said that I hadn't felt good by dating men , but that I had found I was quite catch. How can I fix that?What do I say to him? He said I should walk away before we get deeper involved. But 2 weeks earlier was saying that things were happening which would allow him to get his life back, and he'd give me as much time as he can. Now he stopped communication.

[@cecilang9721]

Stop ruminating about the one thing you might have said years ago. If someone wanted to, they would. Do you think everybody in a relationship has the prerequisite of having a perfect life? Or do they just love who they love? What would “allow him to get his life back”? That’s some passive aggressive bull. You can’t see that ? Live your life, don’t wait around. If his life is “allowed” he can come look you up. You are deluding yourself because of your desire for love and his stringing you along with breadcrumbs. Walk away.

[@Mudpuppyjunior]

"How can I fix that?" is the wrong question. If he is an avoidant his wounds are what need fixing. If he is willing to try then you can choose to love and support him. If he is not, he will inevitably break your heart.

[@rednvocal]

@@cecilang9721 I don't think the prerequisite for a relationship is having a perfect life. Just that I could see what he had been doing for 16 years and that he was sick of it. He was getting refinancing to pay off a debt on which the weekly repayment was huge. That's why I thought there was something to look forward to. He said " we'll get back on track", meaning to see each other once/ week which was whatever had talked about. What I said about being a catch was 4 weeks ago, in a moment of closeness, that's why I think it triggered his insecurities even more than entering a relationship, which we were also talking about at the time. Neither of us had any problem with exclusivity, which we talked about. But his take was " I know I'll screw it up" and " it never works out in the end". So that was what I was up against, and his failing health, which I said to him would be better off with the affection we share.

[@rednvocal]

@@Mudpuppyjunior Yes, I see what you mean. I clearly said afterwards that I hadn't meant to make him feel uncomfortable, but I was saying it to stress that I was with him by choice, not for lack of other options. It was just unfortunate that I talked about that at a time of intimacy. I shared it with because now that we were in each others' arms, I wanted him to know what my experiences were when he had told me " there were plenty of fish in the sea". Bit then two weeks ago when he said to forget him, he said " you said how popular you were, you won't have any problems".

[@rednvocal]

@@Mudpuppyjunior I said to him " this can be healing for both of us, and can enrich our lives". I haven't mentioned the term avoidant. My last message to him was : I've been thinking about what I truly want and I'm drawn to a connection with you where we both have our independence but also cherish the moments we share. I enjoy the time we spend together and would love to celebrate my birthday with you. If you're up for it, I'd be thrilled to have you join me. Xx". It's a chance to see if he will make any effort. 7 weeks ago he was amazed that I had remembered his birthday and got him a cake and a card. If he doesn't message me for my birthday, I will leave him alone. I know he's got surgery coming up.

[@GoddessAthena_here]

And do you really think that “relying on other people for your emotional needs”... is a good idea❓

[@lizardluminals9324]

Interdependence is the gold standard in relationships

[@GoddessAthena_here]

@ Aha

[@89DeluCs]

Mine is a psihologyst and she did know shes an avoidant she got triggered deactivated discarded me and dont want to sort things out So if you think you can change them 😅😅😅 Oh and shes well ware about what is doing to me still dont give a s...about me So good luck to you who wants your avoidants back 😂😂

[@sheliasmith2884]

Facts

[@RSPY-ko8ki]

Are these videos supposed to be thirst traps or informational? What’s going on here? It’s a pretty safe bet that this handsome guy, looking deep into your eyes, overly emoting, telling you how powerful “your love” is, id the target audience’s wet dream. No thinks. Don’t ever emote at me like that. That’s my job. Cmon.

[@Mudpuppyjunior]

I think these videos are avoidant traps to trigger them. They seem to work pretty well.

[@johndevivo8683]

@@Mudpuppyjuniorlol. Good job. Very true. It would be nice if they made use of and reflected on the trigger when it occurs rather than lash out at our boy. But nah. We know better. That’s why we are all here trying to accept the reality of a partner that is not self reflective and to learn enough not to repeat it. That’s why I watch each video 1000 times. Hungry for knowledge, hungry to change, hungry to look at myself and learn.

[@palashdatta1313]

You look like my elder brother,,I from India,, I need Your prayer and help

[@ik6577]

I don't have patience to avoidants 🥴 " relationship " with them it's like 🎢 rollercoaster