When Avoidants Need Space (WHAT TO DO)

Some do's and don't when an avoidant pulls away and says they need space
healingwithcha...

[@disorder_go]

Give them space. Give them ALL of it.

[@ketobodybuilder2482]

Made her an astronaut

[@dariazhempalukh]

That means literally losing control of your life too honestly, if they don’t give you at least some timeline after which you can comfortably come and say what’s up. Avoidants still have to be taken responsibile, otherwise it’s not healthy at all and this is why even safely attached people get restless and become anxious leaning.

[@getting2knowjapan]

The confusing part is when the FA leaning avoidant says "I just want to make sure you have space" or "I'm giving you space" and then the receiving end says "Oh, I'm fine. I enjoy spending time with you." or "I feel like things are going well" or "I'm fine and not asking for space." Then the FA resorts to pulling away, ghosting, etc. until the other person wonders what the heck happened. That's when I discovered attachment theory and realized the FA started bailing from the fear of developing those uncomfortable loving feelings. But for those that don't discover attachment theory, in the famous words of Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting, "It's not your fault." Just have to work on yourself, discover your own needs, wants, and boundaries, and put yourself out there.

[@healingwithcharlie]

Very confusing for sure. In my personal past experience as an FA, I would tend to go with the flow so as to not rock the boat but failed to realize I lacked the ability to communicate my personal needs, which would often cause confusion in the mix

[@ketobodybuilder2482]

Its very hard the warm up then go cold again over and over

[@xortxtreamoffroadtrucks5652]

I wish I knew this sooner now things have gone from good to worse

[@BirdieHaze2207]

How could you know? It’s soooo hard. It goes against everything we know and have been taught about being there for someone. It’s normal to lean in and want to help. They are hard work!

[@Kimberlyelayyne]

Sharing my personal experience, I once dated someone with dismissive avoidant tendencies. The relationship was marked by constant fluctuations, with him being hot and cold. After our breakup in 2021, I felt heartbroken but still saw him occasionally. Fast forward to March this year, we reconnected, and he seemed genuinely interested, expressing how much he missed me and was comfortable around me. We even discussed the possibility of taking things slow and rekindling our connection. However, just days later, he informed me that he needed space and time to be alone, despite harboring no ill feelings towards me. This turn of events left me utterly shattered. Through my experiences, I've learned that change is often elusive in such situations. If anyone's wondering whether people like him can change, my answer, based on years of experience, is unfortunately, no.

[@BirdieHaze2207]

I really wish these people came with a hand book.

[@kurtcodein6594]

Check out "attached" by rachel sf heller and Dr amir levine

[@MissAnthrope190]

He is avoidant and I am somewhere between secure and anxious. We broke up so I gave him space but he continued to text and now even video chat. But he gets weird and disappears so I’m in this confusing place of also running away and after a week or so he texts REALLY RANDOM stuff like what green tea he should drink for hair loss, best beef collagen, etc. I get so excited to hear from him but if I push for an in person meetup he gets distant again. He’s been claiming to be in a divorce process and I’ve been pretty patient but I can’t tell if he’s wanting to go back to the toxic familiar or move forward. And instead of communicating he distances. I love him to death but this has been very draining. Not sure what he wants anymore.

[@mikyl-fo8rh]

Leave

[@darrickharris5534]

This is BS…. Why is someone who is avoidant behavior get rewarded with what they want or need while the other person has to sit around on a chicken egg until they decide to happen to, if ever, come back around? Where is the accountability for and to the avoidant behavior? Why aren’t they challenged to stop running and be accountable and intentionally towards their partners needs? Appreciate the video but I will leave it. Best advice was to get them out of your life. Find someone who is willing to work with you

[@mytinyhomestudio]

You are on point..sorry you are going through this :( I literally had an argument 2 hours ago and after me expressing my feelings and painful emotions, he said he is exhausted and trying to sleep. That he is not mad but he is going to bed. These people don't deserve our love. I did everything for that guy.. It took me 6 years to trust him after being friends only, and now he had it for 5 months, got into a relationship, I get this? It kinda feels narcissistic.. Take care, we will heal 🙏

[@darrickharris5534]

@ Good luck, stay strong, and set your boundaries and standby them. We don’t need to set ourselves on fire to keep someone else warm. I value my time and myself too much to sit and wait until someone decides that they want to deal with me.

[@mytinyhomestudio]

@@darrickharris5534 Correct💯

[@kurtcodein6594]

@mytinyhomestudio idk i dont wanna invalidate youre feelings if you are hurt thats ok and valid. maybe Consider that he was expressing a boundary i mean people get overwhelmed by other peoples emotions sometimes. did he offer you to talk about it the next day? if so try to think about it more like he wants to give you his full attention and he cannot do that if he is tired and exhausted. If he didnt offer to talk about it the next day or still refuses to talk about it you maybe should look out for other red flags in his behaviour. calling someone a narcissist has become very mainstream and its kinda problematic bc that plays down "real" narcissism (im not trying to say he is or isnt a narcissist because i dont know you're whole situation) I mean dont get me wrong im a very anxious attached person with a ptsd and just have recently understood that some people feel put under pressure when i start talking about my pain and problems or think i try to manipulate/pressure them into giving me security and stability (wich is true to a certain point for example: i used to tell people too that i did so much for them so why wont they be here for me without realising they 1. Where there for me ALOT just not in this moment 2.never asked for it so me using it as a lever to pressure them made them mad and rightfully so because you dont do something out of love for someone if you use it against them when you need it) Because i am the only person who can take away my pain or calm my stress and anxiety everybody else can only help me doing this but not do it for me bc that would be unhealthy atleast in my case. I know my friends love me but i also know i can be alot sometimes. So,setting healthy boundaries and communication is really important and finding compromises is often the best way for both people in a relationship to grow with their own problems and the problems of the people they love. Nonetheless if youre partner isnt willing to find a compromise that makes both of you happy you should consider leaving.

[@darrickharris5534]

@@kurtcodein6594 I agree, 2 hours is much too early to make that determination. My response, is more so, about it being a pattern or to a point where they will dump on you and when you ask for time to discuss things they say that they don’t know or give you obscenely vague or long periods of time. Taking no consideration for your need, only their own. I 💯 agree with you on finding someone who will compromise with you. A healthy compromise should leave both parties neutral. No one gives or takes too much. It should be 50/50.