"Why Am I Always Cold and Defensive?" Attachment Styles (with Lauren Sanderson)

[@katechirk5209]

"it's not that nobody is going to take care of your needs, it's that from a young age you stopped expressing your needs". Lauren managed to put into words what i've been going through since a very young age and it affects me even now when im already an adult. thank you for that

[@MadeItOutPodcast]

i felt the same way talking to her!!!

[@Atomicblonde1113]

Yes. Me too.

[@CarlaBeyer-u5e]

This was an amazing conversation. Mel was asking questions to get deep with what Lauren was saying. And Lauren was always asking ‘What about you?’ It was amazing.

[@csc677]

Awww so lovely ❤

[@csc677]

Loved it for that same reason 😊

[@MadeItOutPodcast]

i loved this convo too!!!

[@alanaboso8]

“I care more about how my parents feel about how I feel, than how I feel” WHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAT damn this is a great episode

[@slat13]

Listening to this made me understand why I am sometimes colder in all my relationships compared to my friends. It makes so much more sense now. Something definitely clicked in my mind. This podcast was so useful to listen to.

[@MadeItOutPodcast]

omg YAY! so happy to be a part of that🫶🏼 trickle down therapy can’t be THAT bad lol

[@shelbymorrissey975]

I like that Lauren also asked Mal about what she thought too. Great conversation. The other more interview style videos are good too just really liked Lauren’s conversation style.

[@MadeItOutPodcast]

lauren was so fun to talk to!

[@andreeaadn]

I'm even cold with my youtube comments. I typed an answer and thought what am I doing? Why do I need to hold back? This podcast helps me a lot. I haven't watched all of them - cause frankly they are a lot, but I've watched many, since day one and I have to admit it's something that actually gets to me. I'm glad I stuck to it. Thank you Mal, to you, the guests and the team that is making this happen. And I know this sounds cold and factual, but I promise it's not, or at least I'm trying not to be.

[@korrinnortega9698]

You just defined the biggest problem in my life that I knew I had but just didn’t know how to put into words. I’m going to be obsessively googling now😂

[@Emily-hf9ud]

I loved this! My partner is avoidant and I am anxious (we are working on it in couples therapy) and i feel we have opposite messages! Where I believe “I’m not enough” and so I try so hard to show up (in an anxious way) and my partner feels he is “too much” and therefore responds with avoidance.

[@pattietgens8763]

Super helpful to hear Lauren explain things from her perspective. There is so much overlap with my ex and it was hard to understand how she could be so cold and unfeeling. Thanks for sharing! 💜

[@MadeItOutPodcast]

omg i’m so glad! thank you for listening!!

[@smoothinfldr6994]

I just automatically hit like because I know it’s going to be good!

[@alyf.6698]

this makes a lot of sense i had a similar childhood and now im hyper independent because of it. and in relationships its hard to let someone in and help because im not used to it. this was healing to hear so thank you for sharing!!

[@jimWalden-c4m]

Dearest Lauren, The "boiling frog syndrome" is applicable to your story. I sincerely hope you find love & acceptance in your life. You are performing a great service for so many people...Thank you

[@PersonalFinanceWithAshtyn]

Lauren is my favorite person ever 😍😍 I WILL go to every single show she has in my city🤩🤩 not only does she create the best music there is but she is so authentically and unapologetically herself and that is why she’ll always be iconic ❤

[@aliay92]

I have been subscribed since the beginning. Witnessing the evolution of your podcast career has been a joy & a privilege. Congratulations on another brilliant episode. Hard earned & much deserved! And bloody hell. Here I thought I was an irredeemable ice queen with no hope of transformation. Much to self reflect upon. Deep & profound gratitude to you & Lauren Sanderson for this approachable, digestible, & playful exploration of defensive/combative disconnection & the ways it can be transformed.

[@olgicasteppenwolfin]

Definitely my fav episode so far 💯 got so deep, but also made me laugh, really enjoyed it 😊

[@Anyssamedina]

Ok who is Lauren’s therapist because I need to be on Lauren’s level of understanding themselves

[@mizzmatrix]

Wow. This healed something in me today. I understand now that I need to hear that I don't desserve to feel bad, and that I don't need to cater to everyones' needs. I'm a recovering people pleaser, so this helped a lot. You're a legend, Lauren! ❤

[@rabbitmush]

I’ve never clicked on a video so fucjing fast she has been one of my faves since I was like 15-16

[@chickpeanoodleho]

This is so wild. I always thought I was an anxiously attached person but I think I have been more of a fearful avoidant attached person who has been practicing vulnerability with toxic partners. Wow this was eye opening for me

[@palaksinghal]

This one made me giggling the whole time. Awesome one and appreciate you for making such a good podcasts.

[@Raddiebaddie]

Love the attachment styles discussion ~

[@emilypalma5763]

I can’t afford therapy.. this really really changed things, I thought something was wrong with me I’m just “independent” and think everyone else should be too.. crazy wow

[@melbanunez2733]

Prob my favorite segment!!! So naturally expressing what the styles look Like in relationships. Amazing questions that pulled out wonderful advice and experiences from both! Just loved it!!! 😍 Thank you 🙏

[@NordicFireDKK]

Wow. LAUREN FREAKING SANDERSON Good job

[@ajnakatica1439]

Oh I've been waiitingg for this one, love you both!

[@ROCKONplaceboforever]

So relatable my ex made me feel like i wasn't good enough hearing this hurts but also so healing thank you ❤ life and relationships are so hard but hopefully in the end u will find someone real love it and it really helping me heal and see my self worth means more than you know so thankful for this podcast 🌈 had the same experience with my parents it hurts but healing takes time and patience and relearning

[@joannahalliday2176]

Why did I only notice the braided money tree at 34:27 😭 so cute. Mal, love the content you (and Mathilde!) platform on this pod. Mal & Lauren’s honesty and openness of their experience was beautiful to watch. They dive into complex mental health subjects, which I think fills a much needed gap in online gay edutainment. They talk about avoidant and anxious attachment styles, childhood internalization and how that manifests in adulthood, and their journeys towards healing and embracing themselves for exactly who they are. Thank you for sharing! Surviving parents’ emotional neglect (avoiding connection with their child) is a miracle IMO. If anyone in these comments are struggling, definitely seek a medical professional/therapist for advice. I highly recommend “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” and the follow up, “Self-Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” by Lindsay Gibson PysD as supplement. This is so not an ad or anything like that lol These books can offer validation, guidance, and valuable insights into this awful dynamic - which I found incredibly helpful and life saving personally. Wanted to share. Thank you Mal and Lauren for reminding us that we’re not alone, and that we all deserve love and support. We are all enough ❤

[@afrancis8941]

Her style is🔥🔥🔥🔥

[@SarahGreenawalt-dk1uc]

Listening all over again. Such an amazing, informational episode and I loved Mal spilling more tea 💖 Great job yall!

[@anupamayadav4263]

Somehow, I manage to have both these personalities inside me depending on who I am dealing with and living with or without too many emotions is a nightmare tbh. On the bright side, I'm gonna have my first therapy session today so yayy.. I'm scared but I want to heal myself and be better for myself and the people that I love.

[@nathernandez9731]

Saying her gay awakening was Camila IS SO REAL. I get you girl. I really do.

[@smoothinfldr6994]

That “Work From Home” video

[@DeoCross16]

LAUREEEN JAUREGII

[@morac1130]

Omg Lauren is me 😂 still on a healing journey ❤️‍🩹

[@annmarie2020]

I just want to say thank you so much. I am 14 year old lesbian and listening to your podcast has really helped me so much!!

[@Luvgert]

I love your podcast & I love Lauren this was so healing

[@wouldbealex]

Thank you. This was reallly helpful and thought provoking.

[@xomiamarieox]

My favorite podcast episode 😭 made me feel so seen

[@TPark-rf3lt]

this podcast has been more helpful to me than you can imagine. thank you so much for these! ❤

[@mercurialsound7670]

Woah now I understand that I got hurt so bad by an avoidant and then became an avoidant when I started as an anxious

[@DeoCross16]

Saaame brooo, i was an anxious dated an avoidant and then I became avoidant😂, working on it tho

[@mercurialsound7670]

@@DeoCross16 yoo I was about to respond to this in the most avoidant way possible lmao but how can we heal this if we continue avoiding shit? Specifically from this wound of like, attaching ourselves to avoidant people as anxious people. I’m interested to know your story if you’re comfortable sharing.

[@DeoCross16]

@@mercurialsound7670 Hmm, idk, it was my first wlw relationship, I was 17 yrs old. Very anxiously attached to my avoidant partner who was always cold and distant, we didn't have sex almost at all- like once a month which was very little for me because I am no sex maniac but I loved my partner and I ofc wanted to have sex with her. I was becoming jealous which I am not usually but she was making me jealous on purpose sometimes, huge thing is I wasn't secure in myself. Constantly runner/chaser type of dynamic etc. It's the classic story tbh. Since then I actually learned a lot about attachment styles, I can see the patterns in my parents and ofc their relationship isn't securely attached either. I haven't dated anyone after her seriously, It's been almost 5 years now but I healed a lot. In terms of becoming an avoidant I feel like what made me avoidant wasn't the relationship impact only but also my parents; i have always felt alone in life dealing with whatever. Two years ago I started working for the first time and made some money; did an Erasmus abroad in Paris where I lived alone, I was starting to isolate myself, finding friends was hard ofc, new city, new uni; This uni exchange made me realise I need people, I am not weak when I need people, we all do. So don't be scared to need someone, their touch, their voice, company etc. You can't do it on your own even if you have managed up until now. Have boundaries but learn how and who to let in. That's my experience, what is yours?

[@juliannaperez1311]

This was such a great conversation. This is what I’m working on in therapy!

[@pattyownerofphone778]

Awesome interview. Love Lauren even more.❤

[@LizzCN30]

I feel identified with this episode. Now I understand that I have the same problem 😮. Wow.

[@amberlynnmartinmusic]

This may be one of my favorite episodes yet!

[@mrs.rodriguez-vidal1461]

Such a good episode! Now I be need to figure out my attachment style.

[@paigebruhn7390]

Capricorn avoidants rise. I knew this was going to be good from the clips I saw on Tik tok lmaooo this is so spot on

[@mathilda8548]

Mal this is off topic but your hair is AMAZING🤩

[@shelbi_woodard_]

Omg I'm early I feel like the chosen one

[@dewleneafrica5779]

Such a great episode!! So valuable. Thanks for bringing awareness. ❤❤

[@beccamayberry9907]

What’s wild is that my parents divorced and one was physically present but not emotionally available. And I’m currently separated, it’s triggering, but thinking of doing the exact same schedule you had, MT/ WT/ weekend

[@barnaliadhikary2045]

Love you Lauren and Mal💕👐🏻

[@helenlawson8426]

The anxious avoidance trap... yet again on this podcast I've learnt about a new facet of myself. I kind of always knew it but knowing there is a process out of it gives me hope & anxiety in equal measure. I'm alone and in my 50s, can I change. maybe

[@athanott]

She's so cool. Loved this interview ♥

[@May-om7ck]

Lauren! Serious musitian dude. Great music videos...im always jamming# In my head ive been listening for at least 6 years? Big balls.

[@hiportugal]

I love Lauren Sanderson!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[@ayelenlopez6084]

Fifth harmony omg yessss

[@virgilmcclendon5072]

😎😃😊😜😍😘💖🌹 This pod is so healing and helpful. It hits me in the feels so much and helps me heal. Thank you.

[@mathildegoncalvespereira2422]

LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!!!

[@alexandermfernandez9283]

Great guest , loved it !

[@zoyaroya]

i love this podcast

[@terrydillon9323]

Very interesting and helpful. Thank you.

[@daniescobarm]

fifth harmony made a whole generation of women queer omg its such a universal experience

[@suzannenelson5976]

Love this episode!!

[@IAMAJNAMUSIC]

Loved this one!!!

[@MeditationsWithSam]

I think this is the best lesbian podcast I've listened to!

[@taylorcaniglia7332]

Love love love you lauren!!!

[@lavy9815]

Love Lauren. Soo cool ❤

[@mommyissuesmusic]

LOVE all the #trickledowntherapy in this episode.

[@MissGhostface]

Ok Lauren, literally reading me to filth!!! My first intake appointment for therapy is tomorrow! 🎉😅

[@MariaFerrer-g8j]

I loved it!!! ❤❤❤

[@chloes228]

Laurennnnn, yes 🩵🩵🩵

[@Meredith_Paige]

This was sooo damn good ❤✨

[@ariavolta9567]

So authentic

[@penel25]

One minute in and I knew her venus and mars were in aquarious lol

[@thaisrodriguez8576]

Omg!! I love your show ❤

[@vingytran9674]

Loved that “im gay so why am I still fcked up” 😂😂I can relate to that so much

[@daniawania]

I'm not cold.. I'm different. Aquarius moon 🌙

[@LemonAndBeanCo]

My favorite part of Tuesday. Amazing episode, I really enjoyed the two of you together. I definitely have a google rabbit hole to explore today 😂 ❤the show, it gets better and better

[@nath9773]

Adorable!

[@cafesparrow28]

I think many lesbians have gone through certain traumas (even just coming out sometimes) that result in insecure attachment styles. I think even "U-Haulng" is just love-bombing that is associated with negative attachment styles. There needs to more conversations like this because I often find that attachment insecurities are rampant in the LGBT community.

[@katialysincle]

Laureeeeeen 😭😭😭

[@JuneShiver]

Looking up attachment styles over here, boss.

[@laurynpawl6839]

❤ this episode

[@Raddiebaddie]

Is it possible to get hayley kiyoko on here??

[@beccamayberry9907]

Im 10 min into this and already feel like im hearing my own story and I feel so seen. And sad that I do the same thing with avoidance. Does this count as therapy?😆

[@AMediumNamedBri]

wow thank you for the free therapy session lololol

[@danielamagg6889]

✨😙✨ sUper in love with this episode 🌈 gratitude grAtitude GrA-tit-ude ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

[@elisegray6962]

Being in my 30s it's so hard to find someone as secure as I am about things in general in life. A lot of people pleasers around me... Any authentic person in the comments?

[@Nouunou-g5c]

right here!

[@elisegray6962]

@@Nouunou-g5c ❤️🌹

[@mercurialsound7670]

@@elisegray6962 I am learning 🩵

[@kristinereynolds3041]

What a babe❤

[@rosun00]

We want Renne rapp here

[@rockybalboagaralhaoitalian4592]

Why dont you have comments open for the Madi Hart podcast? 👍😃

[@barnaliadhikary2045]

Please invite Jessie Paege

[@nataliedavidson4389]

Mal, you are a good interviewer. I almost hate to even make the comparison but the pod feels like a gay Call Her Daddy. You're like if Alex Cooper wasn't a terrible person

[@darla510]

Who us her therapist. I need it ASAP. lol😢help😢

[@KarolaTea]

Maybe she only has male friends cause every woman she meets ghosts her bc she only has male friends? ;) Thanks for sharing your experiences!

[@jalioralmiel]

She sounds like Steveo

[@farleyandrews7269]

I am curious about the picture, and braided plant behind your guest (?). It looks to me like a woman in slacks, but I can't tell (?). Also books behind you (?). Just curious ! Ha ! - Farley Andrews

[@barnaliadhikary2045]

18.06...😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@CatarinaStone]

I don't have any tatoos and even I would ghost on that one

[@lukerbs]

MADI: CALL YOUR FATHER!! 😂

[@nnajimiller2506]

This is what Jojo Siwa thinks she looks like

[@CatarinaStone]

Mal, you the middle child too?

[@Raddiebaddie]

8:13 oldest of 3

[@CatarinaStone]

@@Raddiebaddie yeah, I missed that part