Why broken attachment threatens your relationships and how to fix it with the Adam Lane Smith method

Attachment specialist Adam Lane Smith explains how your relationships might be impacted by broken attachment. Adam also details how you can repair these problems and begin improving your attachments today. If you struggle to share your needs or communicate with your partner, this video is a must-watch guide to better living.
This video is part of an ongoing series related to attachment.
When your attachment is broken, everything else is broken. Your ability to connect to others forms the basis of your relationships, work, art, relaxation, religion, and everything else, even if you don't realize it. And you can't connect to others if you're terrified they'll see who you really are and reject you. Fear of abandonment can rob you of all joy.
If you struggle with attachment issues, there's good news. You can repair your attachment in just a few simple steps. They're not easy, but Adam Lane Smith's method breaks it down into an understandable and simple process to fix your life fast and find renewed purpose. Attachment is everything, and if you're ready to fix your attachment, you can fix just about everything else along with it.
#Attachment #AttachmentSpecialist #AttachmentTheory #AdamLaneSmith
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//Attachment book by Adam//
►Slaying Your Fear: A guide for people who grapple with insecurity.
►www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07...
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► Instagram: attachmenta...

[@JeffHendricks]

I think one of the things people struggle with (okay, maybe it's just me) is when you *and* your spouse are insecure, and you get this horrible back-and-forth cat and mouse game of trying to figure out acceptance, fear of rejection, and unmet expectations. It's extremely frustrating.

[@AttachmentAdam]

That’s unfortunately becoming common. The good news is that fixing it together builds huge intimacy as you heal.

[@yzma6142]

The way you break things down is incredible. Thank you for this.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for watching.

[@bdallaway]

More than 7K need to see this video. As a transactional relationship I am commenting to boost the analytics.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for the support!

[@felixthecat4584]

I would say that broken attachment style had pretty much defined the last 3 decades of my life... I really wish this guy wasn't retired.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Attachment issues hit every part of our life. The good news is that I retired from therapy to become a full-time attachment specialist. I've got books, courses, a community, and 1:1 coaching available for every level of the process. How would you like to start?

[@galev3955]

Feeling a compulsion of "repaying" my friends when they are nice to me is too real.

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's a huge part of attachment. In some ways it makes you a cool friend because you don't take without considering what you're taking. On the other hand it can get exhausting to have every kindness treated like a burden. What I do see happen most often is that people who fix their attachment issues retain that considerate nature while also being better at accepting kindness. They get the best of both worlds because they understand the give-and-take better than people who never struggled at all.

[@xXEliminatorXx99]

Feel ya

[@soulfullthinkings4664]

It all makes sense now💡

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad to hear it!

[@missclarestube]

I came to the conclusion a while ago that you love someone if they can meet your needs and vice versa. Your explination of the transactional nature of relationships makes sense to me.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Love is definitely more than that, but the sharing of needs is a huge component. Neglecting or denying needs distorts the love into something less healthy.

[@jazcoolisbad]

I am just now realizing I was the bad person in my last relationship. Because of the broken attachment I have I felt it was impossible for me to communicate my needs with my partner out of fear of losing them. I would give the little hints and I often would have outbursts after a few months of him not meeting my needs. I might have tried to communicate it a little but not fully enough to set a boundary. This was so helpful and thank you so much for explaining this so well. I am going to continue to learn from you and hopefully heal my broken attachment!

[@AttachmentAdam]

It’s a painful realization but it leads to a better future. My book Slaying Your Fear will teach you how to fix it.

[@bethschnars9928]

This was so unbelievably helpful and made me so aware of what happened in my past relationships. Thank you!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Awesome! Can you share one insight that you learned?

[@bethschnars9928]

I grew up with loving and supportive parents but who did not have a loving supportive relationship with each other. Conflict resolution consisted of ignoring the problem, occasional anger outbursts, mom doing a myriad of things then playing the martyr. It is uncanny how much of this you absorb into your own life as I found myself doing the same things ending in a failed marriage and recently ending long term relationship. I never asked for help and was afraid to let people know what I needed and the wall around me is now pretty high. Hopefully at age 57 I’ll figure it out as I move forward. I have been honest with these cycles with my sons and the mistakes I have made so they will hopefully not drag this barrage of maladaptive behaviors into their relationships. I look forward to watching the rest of your videos and your book! Thank you Adam!

[@AttachmentAdam]

These are great insights and I’m sorry you’re learning them after two relationships but the lessons you’re passing onto your children are tremendous for your legacy and all generations after you. Excellent work.

[@HindiLargo]

Wow… I hear both me and my (ex) partner in this. 😢. I wish I would have spoken up more or better. I had no idea I was doing this. Thinking I was doing good by allowing him to show me who he was, but I got resentful for not “speaking up” when things were bothersome. 🤦🏻‍♀️💔

[@AttachmentAdam]

Sorry to hear that, but I'm glad you see this pattern now and can build better relationships in the future!

[@TheSkinsfan1996]

Thanks for this. Learned a bunch! Well articulated.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for watching.

[@KayClarity]

Your work is excellent. Thank you.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you. I’ll keep them coming.

[@kattekongen]

GreatGreat stuff again Adam!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks again!

[@matthewrickyrad]

Omg... Your example of the bad, unhealthy relationship was exactly my 5 year marriage, which ended in divorce. My ex wife (who grew up with a father constantly in and out of the picture), would do all that stuff. Nothing I did ever made her happy and all I got was negative feedback. I'm just now realizing that has REALLY impacted me negatively and caused me to now have attachment problems.

[@AttachmentAdam]

You can heal from this. And understanding the bad can help you both embody AND appreciate the good.

[@littleforestowl]

I came here from TikTok to understand this better for fun. Then I realised you described my ex-husband of 3yrs and ex-boyfriend of 5yrs to the letter! I’m that one person who held in there twice. I didn’t even know allll that had a name. You’ve brought so much clarity and understanding. Thank you!!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad to be of help. 👍

[@chabonazo0]

I was in a relationship like that 25 years. We were both "honest" in the sense that neither did anything particularly hurtful to the other or clearly dishonest, but we could never put our needs on the table and discuss them clearly and openly. It ended bad with both of us pretty damaged. Now I am trying to build an overcoming relation... not trivial.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for commenting, and I’m sorry to hear about this painful experience. A lot of people who face attachment challenges in their marriage don’t know how to share needs and eventually it does cause serious problems. Where are you at now in learning to address attachment and openness?

[@chabonazo0]

@@AttachmentAdam I engaged in a new relationship and I am trying to figure out how to make it right this time. She's also in the same path so I am quite confident we will have a better relationship. On the other hand, fighting to solve insecurity, low self esteem and a series of weakness that you describe so well in your videos as a syndrome of broken attachment. I have never been "Mr nice guy" though.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Sounds like my book could be helpful. This will give you a clear path to solve the insecurities and talk together about what you can do to build a healthy relationship: www.amazon.com/dp/B07S33YGJZ

[@avaceleste]

Very helpful.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks, what did you find most helpful?

[@peterfarmer7642]

Thank you, I've got some things to work on :)

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for watching.

[@Atmanyatri]

Thank you that was really helpful

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad to hear it.

[@Shinyworldwide]

heck, today i kind of did this to a friend of mine. because i'm not vaccinated against covid i can't go to the KFC or mcdonalds and sit inside with my friends so if i go with them we have to sit outside and i'm afraid they will only put up with that for so long. so when my friend said he wouldn't want to sit outside in the winter i exploded and left the group chat and he messaged me saying he didn't want to upset me and if i could tell him what was up so he could take that into account next time. then i told him, i'm afraid i'll be left out of things eventually because if i'm there you guys won't be able to do X and Y. we worked it over that way pretty quickly and i could understand he didn't want to sit outside with -10C but it shows the work i've got to do i guess.

[@AttachmentAdam]

It’s both a win and a warning. If you push yourself to do the clear communication on purpose over and over, it teaches your brain not to fear it so much. And it makes your brain like the better communication because it feels good.

[@bananabread6148]

My entire family communicates like the 2nd "worst relationship you've ever had" example. @_@ I've been working for years to be a better friend. Watching your videos, I'm realizing that I most likely have severe attatchment issues to the extent that I've avoided dating and romantic relationships like the plague and have no desire whatsoever to connect in this way.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad you’re here, then. And you’re not alone. Let’s fix it. 👍

[@joaquinsantillan4130]

The part of "you owe me" hit very hard. My ex after a year of breaking up that she hated me, that i have never done what she likes, she felt intimidated by me and a lot of more thing. Confirmating all my fears, my broken atachment woke up. She doesn't like you, nobody does, she was obsessed, she didn't want to be alone, you are a shit person and she only treated you good because she felt obligated. Terrible experience. This video let me think about it from another perspective. From something that i have to improve, because i was a bad partner too, but she wasn't perfect at all, not all my fault, and of course isn't something that i can't get better like i always think. I always thinked that there was something bad about me

[@AttachmentAdam]

That’s a common experience. Your not alone. My book Slaying Your Fear is $5 on Amazon and shows you how to fix it.

[@AvaInAfrica]

Adam your videos are a Godsend. How would one get intensive help with this?

[@AttachmentAdam]

My book Slaying Your Fear on Amazon is about $5 and is used by clinicians across the US to treat this issue. Currently putting together other options. But the book is a great guide. 👍

[@randomguy2809]

This so describes my last relationship. She refused to tell me what was going wrong, I didn't communicate my needs to her, we never spoke honestly, grew resentful had a kid (brilliant attempt to save the relationship lol) and got divorced. She was violent and emotionally abusive, presumably as a result of my lack if communication. What I would really like to see is more examples of different situations, how they went wrong and what the right thing to do would be.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Sorry to hear this was so familiar. Glad you’re better off now. I’ll keep your suggestion in mind. What other situations are you thinking of?

[@ivonneardon8596]

😳😳😳😳 Thank you for explaining everything so clearly, it all makes sense now. Do you have any recommendations on how to start doing the work and fixing broken attachment? Is therapy the best way?

[@AttachmentAdam]

I treated this issue for years as a therapist and condensed my method into a 100-page book called Slaying Your Fear. It’s available on Amazon and even as an audiobook. Mental health professionals across the US use that book to treat patients, it’s simple to understand and very effective.

[@freutty]

So if it is difficult for me to get to know people and become friends/close friends, but I'm very close to a small circle of siblings and a friend, where am I wrong at? I dont think I have broken attachments, as much as I just can't connect. Small talk and interactions with random people I see day to day are exhausting. I can't tell if I'm too introverted or what.

[@AttachmentAdam]

It may be helpful to investigate the attachment work anyway and see if anything resonates. If you find some pieces that help you grow in ways you'd enjoy, then you've benefitted even if you didn't have the core problem.

[@lyssneuman967]

Can you please make a video on fixing an anxious attachment style?

[@AttachmentAdam]

My book Slaying Your Fear teaches the whole method for $5 on Amazon.

[@sharoncarnevale]

Hi Adam, do you have materials that I could purchase? My thought is to bring my family to one of our counselors and have them work through it with us. Myself & my husband, and our three kids (18, 17, 13) have been **suffering** our whole lives, and when I saw one of your videos on TT and then came here, I was just sobbing through the whole video. I understand your content is free (and I appreciate that), and, I think you would agree it wouldn't be ideal for us to try to go it alone. I think doing this as family therapy in addition to doing work in our individual therapy could be the huge piece we are all missing.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Yes, my book Slaying Your Fear is available on Amazon. Many people take that into their therapy sessions and work through it with a therapist. I designed it to work that way.

[@sharoncarnevale]

@@AttachmentAdam oh wow, that's awesome, thank you so much!!

[@LeonidSpartanKing]

I read your book, how to find my principles ?

[@AttachmentAdam]

I get that question a lot and there are a few good tactics for finding them. Shoot me an email at [e-mail] and I can share some tips for you.

[@user-mg8in3ku1l]

So how do you fix anxiety?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Anxious attachment and anxiety responses? Usually gets better when you follow the steps to overcome your insecurity in relationships and build new experiences that reprogram your brain for what it expects to happen. Desensitization through good experiences.

[@MichaelByrneWeb]

So I'm onboard with this as a philosophy. How do you go about expressing needs (like intimacy) when they have been consistently rejected in the past?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Depends on how hard they’ve been rejected and how clearly they were stated. If the person hasn’t been clear, it’s an understanding issue. If the other person is refusing, it could either be a hurt thing or an exploitation thing. Sharing the needs clearly and working together to solve both sides’ needs can resolve the first two, and trying to do that will expose the third if one side doesn’t want real love to happen.

[@aantix]

There has to be thresholds, no? If I immediately respond "I really wish you would have said this..." or "I really wish you could have done it this way", with enough of these types of requests, don't we jeopardize the relationship, because eventually enough of these requests, becomes.. tedious or tiring? And what if they're perceived as a rejection of the partner - yet another request to change, and maybe you/they don't want to change? I can feel the anxiety of "yet another request" - where if I ask for one more thing, I am putting too much pressure on my partner.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Are you yourself likely to become exhausted by a partner giving this kind of feedback?

[@aantix]

@@AttachmentAdam For sure. And I believe my partner would feel the same. Frequency matters? That’s we each have our own empathy stores that eventually deplete? 10x/day of "I wish you could have done it this way" vs 1x day - that's an additional 63 corrections just per week. Do you experience any of these empathetic limitations within your own relationship?

[@galev3955]

I am sure there has to be a balane and sensibility. Like you probably shouldnt call out every miniscule inconvenience, if it isnt actually important to you. But also, operating on good faith, the other person has every right to say "hey you know i care about you, but i start to feel like every time i do something it upsets you. We should work that out." Also if you find yourself being genuinely upset by your partner 10x a day, maybe it IS best to part ways.

[@AttachmentAdam]

This is correct. Both partners should find that balance together. This isn’t a guessing game. And assuming it’s too much at the start might be an excuse to never be honest.

[@TheHouseOffice]

5:33

[@AttachmentAdam]

Important for you?