Why Did My Partner Suddenly Leave? | Dismissive Avoidant Attachment & Romantic Relationship Advice

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Healthy and Secure Relationships with/for the Emotionally Unavailable Person (Dismissive Avoidant Re-programming Course)
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In this video we will talk about the main reasons why the dismissive avoidant will leave a relationship seemingly out to the blue, we'll talk about the thought patterns and behaviours that will push them in this direction.
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel and thank you for stopping by!
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[@verohb79]

1. Inability to communicate needs. 2. Fears running the show. 3. Fear of conflict equals end of relationship in DAs mind. They assume conflict can’t be worked out. 4. DAs feel shame. How to work through them: needs, work through core wounds. Recipients’ end: it’s not personal.

[@77maanno]

Beautifully explained. The sad thing is though, that the DA is the one to make it about the other person and think that if they just didn’t xyz, and if they were just different this wouldn’t happen. In other words, the DA imagines everything would be different if they were in a relationship with someone better, someone less weak, someone who would match them better, someone who isn’t needy, etc etc. So that makes it hard for a partner not to personalise. But hell yeah we can get there! After a few years of PDS and therapy, we can personalise a bit less 👍😁

[@robertoflores4546]

ditto

[@fionab1727]

My DA ex was lovely & things were great, then once the intimacy and connection got stronger...... He withdrew & was unwilling to communicate at all. It was a compete shutdown. I tried understanding him and gave space etc IMO if they aren't willing to do the work It's a battle you'll never win

[@luisaramirez0]

You are Not Alone on this one

[@fionab1727]

@@luisaramirez0 that means a lot. Been a damaging break up and no one seems to understand how brutal being dumped by a DA is. These videos have been so healing for my mind

[@luisaramirez0]

@@fionab1727 I promise you’ll get through this. And remind yourself each time you can, that his lack of communication and ruthlessness is about him and how he carries himself! It was brutal for me to, but I got to the point where I can finally say I’m able to decide: I don’t want this for myself, I want what I deserve.

[@fionab1727]

@@luisaramirez0 thanks so much. I am trying to re build myself everyday & not let the toxicity weigh me down anymore. Such a horrible energy going thru these emotions that are actually HIS dark emotions projecting onto me. It is a gradual process and I appreciate your kind words

[@warmhart2034]

Hi Fiona, Sorry to hear. I can empathise.🙏 Similar story here but not broken up yet. Did you reach out when he was starting to fade away?

[@tee_aj]

As a DA woman, this is so helpful. Watching this video made me quite emotional because I can relate. I go through life doing things on my own, trying to do things myself and it’s because deep down, I don’t see my needs as being worthy of being met by others or that people would hear me out. You are correct that DAs live in a state of learned helplessness. Thanks for the good work you do.

[@marcd2743]

You are aware and trying dear! That sets you aside from 95% of other DA's. I hope things have gone better for you.

[@libritarian]

As someone's who very Anxious Preoccupied, I have questions for you

[@aviralchaudhry3710]

This happened to me just a few days back, out of the blue. I'm an AP and currently coping up without her. It feels bad but I kinda don't blame it on her. She is a great loving person from the inside and I'll always have a soft spot for her.

[@Ddaengclare7]

I’m FA but so relate to the fear of conflict and not knowing the correct way of navigating through…conflict often means the loss of a close relationship and emotional safety around them :/ it sucks but slowly working through it

[@CommandoMaster]

Good explanation. Hopefully DAs can get the help they need. They make other ppl feel bad for something that other ppl didn't do to them.

[@abeiswaykooler]

Not our fault. Should have been nice 2 us when we were children.

[@GraceEunity]

i needed this video so badly!! I was with a DA that ended things 2 months ago and they slowly just created more and more distance between us and because i’m a FA i let it happen without asking much about it because i didn’t wanna scare him off. even though it’s been two months, i was still very confused as to why he pushed me away because there wasn’t a fight or betrayal that could’ve started it. everything seemed to be going pretty well until it wasn’t :/

[@marcd2743]

"everything seemed to be going pretty well " That was the problem. The DA will start deactivating if things go too well and there is intimacy.

[@brendab2946]

@@marcd2743 haha right

[@marcd2743]

@@brendab2946 Yeah, it's crazy town.

[@kaylavanzant]

Literally going thru the exact same thing right now. Hope everything worked out for you

[@caroshmarow]

I’m an AA who loved my now ex DA. We never fought. I thought we were best friends & in love. Then he ended it with no warning. I hv taken it very personally and also feel shamed & embarrassed. Didn’t notice him experiencing same. He’s actually very vain and vapid.

[@georgee.9631]

Makes me understand why when I gave her flowers that she just blocked me

[@sylvienovotny5657]

Such a great video. Can you do a video about how DAs push people away? My DA ex would both push me away by verbalizing his doubts of his feelings while simultaneously showing up and being communicative and making plans and investing in the relationship. It’s so confusing when it happens. I think it was a combo of the honeymoon faze being over, the fear of it getting more serious, and romanticizing films and other relationships in comparison to reality and the everyday-ness of a regular relationship. I understand it in some ways but… It’s just so weird to keep showing up and simultaneously pushing people away. Also- thank you so much for the part of the video where you said that for the partner of the DA it’s important to understand it doesn’t mean you’re unloveable or not important. That was something I struggled with ALOT after the end. Seriously, ouch 🤕

[@uniquedavenport7232]

She already has a video on that it's called deactivating strategies of DA and why they do this..I would put the link but I dont know how to on the phone i have lol I use to beat myself up about that to, my ex was like that as well..he went on a vacation with his brother and when he came back he decided to ghost me,when I asked why he had explained it was because he was comparing me and our relationship to others and that he felt like he had nothing to offer me and he had also compared me to other women on his trip with his brother and he felt like i didnt measure up to them.. mind you he didnt know these couples or people personally he was just comparing us,which was heartbreaking and confusing for me, because a week before his vacation we had spent time together and we had a great time, no arguments or anything also he didnt explained to me how he was feeling when he was with me,but he had already made up in his mind of assumptions that he was gunna ghost me..I know now that these were deactivating strategies and he couldn't just say he needed space..because we had spent a lot of time together before he left and it caused him to shut down and push me out,I forgive him but we are no longer together after that it was the last straw for me,that was 7 months ago and I'm still struggle with heartache but I work on myself daily and i dont hate him i understand he struggled with being open and honest and he was afraid of commitment,it feels cold and cruel but often times it hurts them to because they dont want to be like this they want love and connection just like everyone else ,they just dont know how to Express or show it in a healthy manner...

[@fireshine4105]

@@uniquedavenport7232 It is actually really nice to read this as an DA....so often comments just say to get rid of the DA and that they will rip your heart out otherwise and are just awefull people overall. I know that such a relationship is not ideal or easy but reading comments like these just kind of make me not wanting to even try because whats the point if all i do is hurt people? Its really good to see that there are people who have empathy and understanding, even if it didnt work out for them ^^

[@kw9801]

I'm AP but I am also horrified by conflict. I also think conflict means the relationship (be it romantic or with friends) is going to end. I people please A LOT in order to avoid conflict...

[@roshalllambert]

All points were spot on!

[@akuasalaam490]

They need to leave all relationships alone, except for the one with themselves; And seek therapy, therapy, and more therapy.

[@Dionysus667]

Very helpful. Thanks!

[@lanielushmusic]

My partner recently left abruptly. Based on what I know about him currently and of his past, this makes a lot of sense. You explain these things so well and I wish I could share this with him. I know I need to work on moving on but I want to keep the door open in case he ever came back one day. Though he's serious about no contact so probably not. I wish the facts and science behind this made it easier. Ahhh idk 😢 thanks for making this though. This is really good information. ❤

[@dillonshuffle]

My DA ex did this after an argument . I walked out (I’m AA) because Ishut down didn’t text her for 4-5 days, realized I was being immature and wanted to apologize. She said some guy at the gym asked for her number and now she’s dating…

[@cloudslady3400]

it’s strange how Da’s are sensitive to criticism and still criticize others so often and be cruel with what they say..I’m Fa..and I HATE to be criticized..my da friend kept arguing with me and I just go cold cuz I’m afraid if I’ll criticize her back she’ll end the relationship...so after a few arguments I shut down completely I lost trust and passion, I wanna push her away...I don’t understand why she stays with a friend she hates?.. if I’m a bad person then leave me! don’t hurt me , I’m done walking on eggshells..when I ask her what can I do to make it better she feels shameful and respond with “nothing”...

[@camillaschmid5374]

Thank you Thais and team for your wonderful videos! Could you do a video to explain what "doing the work" means? My DA partner is just not as fascinated in attachment styles as I am but does claim that he wants to try.

[@discoheather6519]

I'd start with exploring the content around your own attachment wounds. In the school they are grouped in a very easy to work through way. I can see wanting to work on the external (together or other person) first, but it is usually helpful to start wherever you are. Hope this helps a bit!

[@MegaGangsta4life]

As a fellow DA, I could/would never date a DA. It’s psychological madness and you can save time/energy finding someone more secure 😅

[@discoheather6519]

This is *so* hateful. As an avoidant I never believe people who would say this... but regardless all insecure types have their own challenges. Choosing to take time to put down a whole group of people who come here to work on themselves tells everyone a lot more about you than it does about anything avoidant. After working on attachment I no longer believe in the "self-hating" DA comments because of the power of shame. In fact it is hard to respond to such a carelessly cruel comment even....but as of time of writing it was most upvoted. If you are anxious and are tempted to pile on please remember the people coming here are not the ones who hurt you. They may share wounds but they are not the same people. And other types hurt people too. We can bulid each other up or engage in trauma cycles...it's our choice everyday. We can bulid each other up or engage in trauma cycles...it's our choice everyday.

[@fionab1727]

Agreed....it is a psychological drain being with a DA it's an up n down confusing emotional rollercoaster that's not worth it I'm a patient, calm person, not even I could handle the instability & insecurity of my DA Talking from recent experience here

[@tashawilliams8093]

@@discoheather6519 👏👏👏

[@MegaGangsta4life]

@@discoheather6519 Lol, no hate, just being pragmatic. Why put forth time and energy connecting with someone who intrinsically fears connection? A wiser/safer emotional investment is to find someone who’s more healed/less damaged. May sound cold, but is what it is 😂😂

[@doge801]

Why put forth time and energy…? The simple answer is you love your DA.

[@ArielAriel-rg8ng]

My relationship with my DA ended one month ago because of this..we used to fight because I was unhappy for his behaviors and because of shame..I discovered some of his secrets and my reaction made him breaking up with me,even if he was the one who has always tried to fix things. So I know he will never come back and even if I feel much pain,I know that now I'm safe..I don't think he has ever loved me..he has always pushed me away.

[@ArielAriel-rg8ng]

@@Polly1589 yes, he apologized and told me he would like to get back together but he doesn't want to go to therapy so I said no.

[@ArielAriel-rg8ng]

@@Polly1589 he reached out after 3 months and he told me that after 8 months from the break up

[@btchiang]

Great video, can you do one on why FA leave suddenly ?

[@itsbritneybitch69]

if you click above where it says personal development school it will take you to her videos, click on playlists and she had a whole load dedicated about fearfuls :)

[@user-yf1mv5ji3e]

I wanted to surprise my ex so I climbed in through a window before she got back from work I was waiting inside with roses and she dumped me. These people need to learn to receive love. I'll never date another DA. Talking to the cops hurt my feelings.

[@brianvukson9749]

I’m in this situation. She’s ignoring my texts. What do I do? Give her time and space?

[@yintotheyang6433]

I dunno man.. they improve and then backtrack. 1 step forward and 10 steps back. Not sure if it’s worth it. You’re gonna waste your life wishing for the fairytale ending. Yes they could have these traits but I’m beginning to think they’re just born this way and will never change

[@marcd2743]

Yup, you get into a sunk cost fallacy with them pretty quick, after you've bent over backwards for them. Always trying to recapture what it was like in the beginning, while things get worse and worse, but of course you ignore it because of the "fairytale ending" as you put it. Never again.

[@fitnesswithwasif3995]

Big conflict= end of relationship. Thats what i believed my entire life . Your way is better can you explain in depth what that way is?

[@milcaavanzini9732]

Hi! I been watching your daily videos for a little while now and i find them extremely helpful for moving on from the power struggle stage in my relationship. I´d love to take one of your courses but i´m from argentina and the exchange value between ARS and USD makes it unaffordable for me :( do you have an active disscount code? I very much value your work and I mean no disrespect by asking this. Thanks for all the help and tools you provide here!

[@raspatat7047]

@milca: I'm from India and I understand the exchange rate struggle completely. I actually wrote to the PDS team and they were very helpful and offered me a scholarship/discount at a very affordable price. I think the team is really kind, and they will not turn you away if you could really use the help but don't have financial bandwidth! Write them an email, good luck :)

[@milcaavanzini9732]

@@raspatat7047 thank you so much!!!

[@natalieeeeeeeeeee97]

she probably will have some since black friday is coming up at the end of the month

[@itsbritneybitch69]

the quiz showed my ex as 38% dismissive and 62% fearful we had the push and pull for 9 months but he craved alone time would say he felt smothered occasionally but mainly he was fun sweet and very loving, think our last break up was it for him, i was nothing but kind loving and supportive and he told me many times he was in love with me even up until 2 weeks ago we havnt spoke for a week and ive reached out now and he was nice then cold then kiss on his text, im not sure how to proceed, he wont see me and i couldnt have treated him any better then i did, he said i treated him so well hes never once blamed me for the break up, i dont know if NC works on a fearful leaning dismissive? he cried and cried when he broke up with me so i dont think he could lose feelings that quick when we are with eachother the attraction is so intense i dont know if thats why he is staying away but its hard because i think if he loves me and is highly attracted to me why wont he see me? or maybe just not speaking to me isnt long enough for him to miss me?

[@hanmanteomkar]

cut your losses and run

[@RoseOfSaudia]

In my case he left & ghosted because of his fear and anxiety

[@Katrica670]

@3:10 a lot of learned helplessness?

[@tucky3191]

As the recipient, how do we help them through the learned helplessness? Or do we just let go, and let the chips fall? What’s healthy?

[@cobblecattt]

I'd say let go. Partners who pair up with DA or FA tend to be rescuers and try to fix their partners...this is not a healthy dynamic.

[@tucky3191]

@@cobblecattt thanks.

[@marcd2743]

@@cobblecattt Absolutely correct.

[@clementwee2511]

If you are the recipient of the da running from the relationship, how do you get the da back and empower the da to work on the relationship?

[@azubukesimeon5880]

Hello lovely I can introduce you to the same powerful relationship restorer who helped me to recover back my ex fiancee. He can also help you to get back with yours and make your relationship to blossom Forever.

[@azubukesimeon5880]

His restoration manifestation process works wonders amicably within few days

[@azubukesimeon5880]

±2349155456932⏯❣For more details, wh@tsapp him as soon as possible

[@discoheather6519]

A Reminder I hope to someday not to post: All insecure types have their own challenges. All of our wounds can hurt others. Choosing to take time to put down a whole group of people who come here to work on themselves tells everyone a lot more about you than it does about anything avoidant If you are anxious and are tempted to pile on please remember the people coming here are not the ones who hurt you. They may share wounds but they are not the same people. And other types hurt people too. Avoidant and avoidant leaning people come both to the school and to the KZbin channel. The stigma associated with dismissive wounds created a new shame issue that makes it harder to share or work on other wounds: not because any insecure type is "worse" but because of how other attachment styles interact/express themselves. We can bulid each other up or engage in trauma cycles...it's our choice everyday. I hope to choose kindness and knowledge today and hope you do too💕

[@ann-louisegustavsson5008]

Such an important message. Beautifully expressed. I see this, how we talk about each other and what happens around the stigma around dismissive wounds. It can be harsh words sometimes. I appreciate you bring it up so we can get more aware. I have also come to understand that people with some attachment behaviours are more prone to write and express as they seek connection and the voice of the people with avoidant behaviours gets lost. Sometimes when I feel sad over a situation, when I don't understand another person and hurt by them these videos can be so validating. I can let go of my own fear. To go from resentment and self blame to understanding. Tais and PDS makes me more educated around all attachment styles and their wounds and it's really helpful.

[@tashabatiste9177]

Well stated. How beautiful!

[@TVStudiohc]

2:30min. Screaming.. 100% and 4min in. 100%. As a DA, currently I experience vomiting and being grossed out about the person and scream at the people who pries and keep pushing to 'understand my feelings' and 'getting to know me' in the veil of care over and over and over after I ask them to stop, but they simply do not and don't accept me and my needs. I am so angry and enraged at these people. I run bc they don't respect my needs nor my space when I have already communicated them.

[@abes2758]

You need help. Honestly get the help you need this is not healthy

[@brianhill6842]

@@abes2758 I agree. The suspected DA in my life asks for space constantly: I give it to him …I’ll go a week at a time …and then he yells and swears at me when I’m just asking to resolve the conflict - which is over the smallest thing - asking about when I can visit again. Nothing required on his part and he just goes off the rails.

[@teresalopez5683]

How about a video of retracting a dismissive avoidant well he's in a rebound relationship

[@Newpath2024]

@teresalopez5683 hi and sorry you had to go through this a year ago... My situation with my wife of 10 years the mother of hour child is in line with what is said in the video and comments. She blames everything on conflict management and criticism of her... She is super sensitive around all that as you can imagine since she is a DA. She left 5.5 months ago and we reached to a point of okay it is the end 2 months ago... After I learnt she is seeing someone 20 years older than her. I love her and our life was great.. How did it go for you? Did you get back together, could you over come that he was with another person?

[@vineethae4532]

How will we can make them comfortable in a relationship?

[@itsbritneybitch69]

i dont even know if u can, my recent ex who luckily will still answer my texts cuz i still love him and cant let go would go thru stages of being ok then pulling back, he never cut me off but he dumped me multiple times saying we shouldnt be in contact anymore but then would change his mind within hours or days and we would get back together, this went on for 9 months, he would say he is love with me have the best couple of days with me then dump me, i cant stress that i did EVERYTHING i could i was so loving caring thoughtful would see him when he wanted to he controlled 90% of the relationship basically as to when and if he wanted to see me, he is mainly fearful but leans dismissive, its heartbreaking as i couldnt have treated him any better then i did and he still dumped me for real a few weeks ago, its so shit

[@vineethae4532]

@@itsbritneybitch69 😌

[@rainerneumeister5239]

Why don’t da avoidant date other da avoidants ??

[@robertoflores4546]

I only recently started up Instagram again. A 10 yr younger dismissive avoidant blocked me on Instagram and her phone after I let her know my true feelings of her getting back with her abusive baby daddy after he split 9 years ago. I'm 47 and she says she really "likes older men" (they are the same age) but when I talked to her like a daughter and laid it out like I do to my adult sons, she threw everything I ever gave her away(some which supposedly really meant a lot to her) and then blocked me. We've had a really awesome close friendship with what seemed very close emotional bonds. I did go overboard to let her know I wasnt judging or trying make her feel bad. let her know everything was from a place of unconditional love because I'm a dad and know what that is. So She flew the coup.

[@Nono38-jj1tk]

You talked to her "like a daughter"? Creepy.

[@lunkerjunkie]

is this why I can't keep a job? I'm at a place for 10 months and then I lose it and quit.

[@joyceandplants]

My DA ex is like that too! He kept changing jobs. He can't stay put. He self sabotaged :(

[@jackdeniston59]

Taught helplessness. Not learned.

[@Kareena1988]

I wont ever accept such a behaviour. Da's are the most "evil" of the insecure people.

[@tashawilliams8093]

Then why date or be friends with them? It's not like they put a gun to your head.

[@discoheather6519]

@@tashawilliams8093 yes exactly 💯

[@Kareena1988]

@@tashawilliams8093 because you are born and live life and dont understand such people until they break your heart and then you get information about them and finally can say: Now I understand whst Im dealing with and nope. Byebye

[@CJ-jx6sv]

I couldn't disagree more. But it sounds like you have been hurt and are still processing that. And for that, I can empathize.

[@motjon]

They're not evil... They just SUCK at relationships and lack the awareness needed to work on that. Simple fixable problems become complex issues with them that you find yourself watching hours and hours of relationship trauma videos to try to 'fix' a relationship that was doomed from the start. A dismissive avoidant broke my heart by ghosting me, but an anxious avoidant gave me my first black eye.

[@dorotabiernacka7636]

Please stop speaking so fast!!!

[@samyb2834]

You can choose the playback speed.