Why Dysfunctional Families Do Not Change

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In my videos, I like to talk about Psychology, Healing Attachment Trauma, Relationship Repair, Inner Child Self-Re-Parenting, Love Addiction, Codependency, Grieving Break Ups, Family Programming, Fantasy Relationships, The Romantic Narrative, Primal Panic, Trauma Bonding, Double-Binds, Attachment Styles, Couples Counseling, Better Boundaries, Shame and Self-love, CPTSD Breakthroughs, Emotional Availability, and Body-Focused Psychotherapy for Healing Trauma..
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Alan Robarge, LPC, Licensed Professional Counselor,
Attachment-Focused, Trauma-Informed,
Psychotherapist and Relationship Educator
Emotional Connections Matter!
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Why Dysfunctional Families Do Not Change
In this video, I talk about how most unhealthy families have no rules or protocol in place for family members to negotiate change. Most dysfunctional family systems are closed systems, which means they are not open to influence, change, or adapting.
Questions to answer in the comments section:
What is one thing you learned from listening to this video?
What is one takeaway you can apply to your personal healing process?
Remember to leave a comment. What is your takeaway from this video?
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Why Dysfunctional Families Do Not Change

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on KZbin. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on KZbin. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/

[@OO-un8ks]

My life

[@liezlsmal9151]

Hi Alan, just found your channel. Your video is brilliant and RIGHT ON THE MONEY!!! Thank you! I am watching the rest of your related videos :)

[@zeynand4039]

I've been trying to move out of the house only because my mother and sister are terrible people. I do love my brother and I'm afraid they are going to block contact between him and I, he has disabilities so he depends on them too. My mother is afraid of my sisters tyranny so she let's her slide and I just want to beat her up everytime so Im the one that needs to move out becaus ei don't think I can control myself anymore.

[@monkeboi33]

I'm a twelve year old and am the only one on my family with certain interests, mindset and way of thinking . I don't know what to do but don't want to leave behind my sister as she is my only blood relative ( we are adopted because we were taken away from criminals when we were 1 and 2)

[@abbykoop5363]

I cut all contact with my family as it was just too painful to "pretend" that everything was OK. "I" was the troublemaker, the black sheep. But it can also be awfully lonely out here. I recently saw a study where participants would rather subject themselves to an abusive situation (electric shock) vs be totally alone. I find it so difficult to find other people who are not superficial and pretending that everything is all right.

[@jeffinetlyjeffbi9770]

Isn't it sad how repeated this story is.... But I'd rather be an excaped goat than the dumb sheep... Deny and minimize was my families default tactics

[@PauloNideck]

I feel the same way.

[@primrosedahlia9466]

I agree and that is what I feel is the worst part.. The fact that most people are superficial and cold and don't have room to se and respect people's story. I do beleive Sam Vaknin is right when he says we love in a narcissistic society. People only see the tip of their nose, and everything g they do is to get supply

[@alexborn7142]

I agree. I think it becomes even crazier when I see myself wanting the narcissistic gains but at the same time forcing me to go against everything I believe in. It can be quite sickening. I see the rest of society not having much of a problem. It’s like “reason? What reason? I know no reason?”

[@mikajendreas]

It’s hard to make friends/ family as you get older. It takes time and trust to build relationships. I definitely understand

[@Christiegotgame]

Accepting the fact that they will never change has set me free. No contact is the only option.

[@aqadion]

I also plan going no contact. Are you feeling better? Any advice?

[@Joshdifferent]

I’m gonna go no contact as well

[@ArtandKitchen_]

yes what I did. Sometimes you will still be confused and guilty especially when they are trying to hoover , or as they grow old and need more help, they will make you feel guilty more. but should stay grounded

[@sll110]

YES

[@sll110]

@@aqadion DEFINITELY, but need build healthy supportive systems

[@xxxtentacionfanxxx1446]

I wish to be adopted into an emotionally mature family as an adult. No family perfect but just one that can acknowledge there's a problem and solve it together.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I hear you. Wouldn't that be wonderful? Glad this video spoke to you. Family relationships is a recurring topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. We have talked about how we create meaningful, chosen family many times. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. If you'd like to learn more about the Community, click the following link: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@gameking855]

I also want to be adopted in different family. My father and brother don't speak to me since 8-10 years. Both of them never liked me. Only I speak to my mother. Everyday I think to isolated myself from my family but I can't leave my mother behind 😢😢. I've become introvert, I'm not able to make new friend nor speak much.

[@MacchiatoSwirlGirl]

Me too

[@chrissyboo7903]

Here here

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

Yes, no family is perfect, but my parents disguise their own rigidity and weakness by labelling me! I can live with people who are flawed. It's only when their flaws get parked in my soul to free them up to be ''perfect''. That's really hard.

[@dawna4185]

this was the dynamic in my family....i wanted to connect with my fam. i wanted us all to be interested in each others well being and actively show that we mattered to each other. i tried connecting but they are stuck in their "ways".....it made me feel sooo sad and disconnected from "something"....i eventually came to accept that this is just the way it is and i focused on connecting with myself on a very deep level so when i start to have those old feelings (beliefs) that i am not a part of anything i remember that i am connected completely to myself. after all, we are the only person we can truly count on in this world and we have to train ourselves that that is enough....you really do have to mourn the loss of your hope that your family will be what you would like them to be....

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Good comment. And sobering comment. Thanks for the insight.

[@lynnanncastle77]

Know your own truth and keep your own counsel. Just be at peace with that. You cannot wrangle cats. It’s impossible.

[@rabiavaughns5992]

Dawna so beautiful and true

[@Sarit473]

So true..

[@NightMystique13]

Going through this now, feel like I may lose my family but I am done with lies and defensiveness. Have to look out for ourselves, for a change.

[@pavla2055]

I went with the - 'you can't change other people but you can change yourself' adage and went no contact . Any attempts at discussion of the broken family relationships , constant parental raging and scapegoating were always met with all the blame for any family ills heaped on me . And the glee on their faces when they saw they were hurting me told me all I needed to know - these people are rotten to the core .

[@cinnabarred8841]

'You can't change other people but you can change yourself' - so true! I had to walk away too. The chronic stress from all the backstabbing, envy, scapegoating, controlling behaviour, and bullying was starting to affect my physical health. As a child, I would get knots in my stomach from the stress of constant conflicts (stress that I would hold inside and was never allowed to express) which eventually turned into chronic gastritis/stomach ulcers which haunt me to this day. Sometimes you are forced to make a choice between your own health/happiness and that of others, especially if those others do not have your best interest at heart. After going no contact I was initially wracked with guilt and a deep grief, but I knew there was no other way. It is now 8 years later and I regret nothing. I am finally able to live my own life.

[@gauravtributes5023]

@@cinnabarred8841 Same, i have gastritis/ulcer as well since 23, till now at the age of 27. I always ate healthily yet i got that, when i told my father about it he started blaming me for everything. Their is no cure for his partiality, he keeps insulting me in front of everyone. Planning to move out as soon as possible, hope you are doing better now as well.

[@adu1991]

Yup. Whenever I'd discuss my struggles with the toxic family I'm surrounded by, they respond by placing blame on me and they really wouldn't take accountability for any of THEIR mistakes. They don't even want to consider my side of the story or apologize, so in the near future I'm just going to cut them off. Some people disagree with me doing it, but I've lived with them long enough to realize that they really *don't* like me & have my best interests at heart. All that they care about is being right.

[@adu1991]

@g quin You sound like the enabler who has no idea what they're going through.

[@justinneilsonn2665]

Try prayer...

[@leighn.8670]

Anytime I attempt to ask for my needs, I am ignored. They are unwilling to go to family therapy or do any type of work whatsoever. I have always been a black sheep, never understood, and there is no attempt to understand me. It is extremely painful having a family that does not truley love you. If anything happened to me they wouldn't even know. For my own sanity I have had to let them go because I cannot have the shallow meaningless relationships they expect.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

These are good insights. Glad the video inspired reflection for you. These are challenging family dynamics to navigate. Building awareness around repeating patterns in attachment dynamics can be helpful for many people. We have different ways we respond to emotional disconnect. We can create action plans to take care of ourselves when we understand how we show up during distress. To learn more take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz. Here's the link: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@pedrogonzales9202]

When I go to this link I got a warning that that connection was “unsafe” and caution to “go back”. I would love to see the Attachment Distress Quiz.

[@subhn5466]

I feel you. I am going through the same.

[@lenny2939]

My family is this way. I'm training my children the opposite. We're open, empathetic and truly support each other to be their best. Unfortunately this has led us to the necessary steps of going no contact with the most toxic members.

[@rollzolo]

Black sheep forever

[@sicwhittlocal209]

got out of mine and the cycle stops with me

[@andybrar3599]

Word up same 😭🙏🏽

[@WillBlindYouWithLight]

🙋‍♀️

[@briobarb8525]

A very painful role to be "cast" in by the collective whole. And while I am not a fan of the present day "no contact" phenomenon being encouraged by many...it sometimes truly is the only choice of salvation from being the families sacrificial lamb of choice. 😢. But we can make one healthy choice (as mentioned below) for our emotional well being, and the well being of our progeny going forward...that is that the "unhealthy patterns" stop here! A very hard but wise decision to actually make and live out...without a no contact decision. But a decision for emotional survival and well-being for many of us. 😢 Namaste to all my fellow survivors of extreme family dysfunction! ❤❤

[@briobarb8525]

​@@sicwhittlocal209 Namaste my friend!

[@lisarochwarg4707]

The reason the family system is locked in place is because the other members are getting a boost in status from having a scapegoat handy. These families have a totem pole structure--- as long as the scapegoat is present all other members have someone to look down on. Also, the other members fear becoming the new scapegoat. They know that the disordered parents who run these families will find another should the original scapegoat leave; that's why they bug out when the family scapegoat leaves permanently. They are all complicit with the tyrants. That makes them spineless and worthless. I don't like spineless, worthless people.

[@mikajendreas]

You nailed it!!! The scapegoat has to leave for their own sanity and walk away from the family like moving to another state and let the crazy family all kill each other... they’ll pick the next best scapegoat in the totem pole 🙏🏼💯👍🏼

[@jonathanswenke5211]

at school I was a dysfunctional boy but at class some of them were naughty and some were dysfunctional so most of them were kind of competitive

[@SpaZzChickxX]

I personally don’t want to even put energy into repairing these relationships. I know I very much had a hand, and I’m deciding to no longer partake. The grief is real, it has become extremely taxing for me on my health to stay in these relationships. It fucking sucks, I just see that it is not growing so I have to go for me and for them as well.

[@alinaa6950]

I do not think you can repair it on your own, it must be a desire on both ends and it doesn't happen that way

[@keishad8813]

Unbelievably accurate! You articulated the core of the problem so well! “What do you mean that bothered you? What do you mean you were hurt by this or that?” No one wants to take ownership of how certain behaviors have impacted the other family member and so the blame shifting begins and the scapegoat is born!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad this spoke to you. This is great insight. These dynamics can be challenging. Thanks for reflecting. And thanks for valuing my efforts to offer explanation. Family relationships come up in conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. If this video is helpful then you may also like the Community. You're welcome to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@corinnecerminaro9753]

I wish there was a YELP for families. I’d leave a scathing review with receipts for mine.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

lol. Interesting idea. Thanks for the comment. If you like this video then you may also like taking The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz. Here's the link: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@MichNative01]

Lol!! That's funny!!

[@bristolcorvid8894]

Clever lady, Corrine! Thanks for the laugh you gave me... as well as the knowing smile. I hope all is well and better on your end. Sending you best wishes!

[@43cassy]

😂😂😂💯

[@bbdass4598]

Yes I like this

[@gregjayonnaise8314]

Another thing about toxic families is that often the primary abuser(s) is the one who sets the family culture. Healthy families create an environment that prioritizes growth and teaching; in a nuclear family, the development of the kids is one of the top priorities. In a toxic family, everything prioritizes the wants and beliefs of the abuser; the abuser is often the head of a household, or at least, and obtrusive person who can’t be easily ignored. So everyone else shapes themselves to avoid as much conflict as possible. If a person marries an abuser, the abuser will groom that person to suit their own needs and cut out naysayers (like the victim’s family) who point out the danger of them. Any children they have will be raised to walk on eggshells around the abuser and suit specific needs that the abuser may have. Every role in an abusive household is built to benefit the abuser and dissuade any criticism; enablers are meant to defend or at least allow the abuser to do what they want, Golden Children are outlets for the abuser to excercise their ego, and Scapegoats are punching bags to take out the abusers frustrations onto. Notice how none of these roles are beneficial to a non abuser. This is part of why toxic households are resistant to change; they would be forced to acknowledge the epicenter of the conflict and deal with them as a group, which will inevitably make it much more difficult if the abuser has a hold on the family’s finances, food, or other needs. It would mean either forcing the abuser to get help, or to cut them off, both which would be insanely difficult to do without life being upended. This is also why they freak out when a person cuts contact; that is one less person fulfilling their role, and one more reason for the abuser to take it out on other members and replace them. If a Scapegoat leaves, then the family scrambles to fill in the missing gap, either by trying to bring them back or selling out each other.

[@revivalist355]

This may be one of the best comments I've read in a long time

[@mikajendreas]

The only thing to do is run like hell to get as far away from the “family” as you possibly can! Dysfunctional families don’t change!!! It’s like a parasite! Your better off completely cutting them off and starting fresh on your own. Create your own tribe and (practice) being the friend/ family member to your new tribe! Try not to repeat the dysfunctional patterns you learned thru your family.

[@gauravtributes5023]

I understand that feeling, hope you are doing well now. My brother and father are exactly like that, my father always tries to hide my brother's mistake and always blame me for everything and later try cheer me up when he wants something and same pattern continues. Planning to move out as soon as possible, the only thing i fear for is my mother, i don't like to leave her with them as she will become next scapegoat for them, this is why i am stuck if i should go for no contact or minimum contact with boundaries?

[@aqadion]

@@gauravtributes5023 you gotta help yourself before you help your mother. You could still recontact your mother after one year or two.

[@sll110]

YES

[@sophiaerling7714]

I chose to stay in contact and it has affected me and my NEW family all the time. Now I regret.

[@emmyty]

In my experience, the person who desires change is labeled as the "B" word. I'm the problem because I want to set healthy boundaries. And I can totally relate to the concept of grieving the relationship you'll never have. So crazy.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I hear you. Empathy goes out to you. Many of us can relate with these dynamics. Thanks for commenting. This is a conversation that comes up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. You're welcome to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@smileyjaune5383]

Really true!! 😢

[@taehyunpark1548]

Yep. Deny & Minimize. Every single time I've tried talking about the things that my family does that hurts me, and how my mother's actions, words and how her behavior affects me she will flat out pretend that she has no idea what I'm talking about and deny what I'm saying when I call her out and she will throw fits about it. She says I'm the problem and she guilt trips and say what I feel is my fault that I feel that way to absolve herself of her hurtful actions. She goes in these fits of rage and she silences me constantly when I try to express my pain and what she's doing is hurting me so I just stay in my room to avoid her and my family because they all defend her abusive behavior and actions.

[@macoeur1122]

"Deny & minimize"yes!....and sometimes "dissmiss and invalidate" as well

[@nursewriter]

Sigh...what a painful reality, that oftentimes it's chronic shaming and blaming, minimizing and denial whenever one attempts to communicate even hurt feelings within a family system. Thank you for acknowledging the pain that so many of us feel. Your videos are healing. You seem to wrap words around everything I've been trying to understand.

[@jondale7117]

I actually changed my full name because my mother told everyone that I told her I was gay after I explained why I dropped out; a male teacher was sexually abusive with me (2010-13) and others. He has recently been arrested. I went home after two years to confront my mother about other abuse that happened growing up and it ended with her telling me not to come around anymore.

[@jasminevallejo2203]

I’m sorry for the trauma you had to go through and I hope you over came the trauma

[@RubyJones1776]

Thats horrible, I'm so sorry your Mother betrayed you like that 💔😭

[@Joy-xe6df]

Geez I’m so sorry. You should have been met with a sincere apology and a large hug. You should have been supported and heard not discarded. 💙🙁

[@keithstewart7514]

Turn your hardship into a true blessing & be free of their dysfunctional FAMILY SYSTEM. It took me 58 years to see none of my FAMILY loves me. It's been 17 months & 16 more probably to get above this & more importantly ... Them.

[@chumchum4393]

I’m so sorry what you went through.

[@realhealing7802]

Awesome information. My life summed up in 6 minutes.

[@kingsleyukwuoma1554]

You just hit the nail at the head. Feedback lag built into the PROBLEM, which is poor family system. There is no protocol for heads of the family to respond adequately to the system or even respect the feedback by attempting to deal with it. People! we are looking at 100 + years of ignorance.

[@zan7466]

It's comforting to know I'm not alone. I'd rather be the black sheep and stay away. They can't hurt me further if I'm not around.

[@fayrichardson7028]

Yes! This has been a journey of awakening for me and the recognition of how dysfunctional my family truly is, and how protective they are of each other as a result. The common denominator... my mother. I’m literally appalled at how little nurturing she shows me and thus, how shallow her love for me is. It’s truly is conditional and I’m now seeing where I get my pattern of relating from and why I’ve accepted breadcrumbs from others and why I’ve never stopped to consider my own reality and always believed others over me. All my life I’ve been denied my true self. I’ve always lived an extension of my mother’s life. It’s truly shocking when the truth hits you in the face. Now I’m treated like I’m the “bad neglectful” daughter ( I’m the eldest at 53) and treated with suspicion for daring to distance myself and separate from the system. I’ve had to as I could no longer live in denial although I can understand why people do...as it’s way easier to cope with.

[@Honey-vz1qq]

Fay, you are not alone. That's my story, too. That kind of family dysfunction creates codependents. Codependency is insidious and robs people of living their best life.

[@davidwright873]

Im 56...recently separated from my mother and her toxicity....the passive aggressive nature she presents is way too much...Over the last 20 years, it's gotten really bad....Like a scab, just ripped it off..painful but better for my sense of well being....It's nice....I don't hate her...She's mom...However, i wont' put up with her bullshit anymore....so sad and sorry for her...

[@suesteig3025]

Fay, I live the same story as you. You are not alone.

[@ingodwetrust.8600]

Family ain't always blood. I learned it the very very hard way.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I hear you.

[@liabooth399]

The looping grief... yes I can relate. It seems to never go away. I go no contact then feel guilty because they are getting old and it’s sad to be cut off from your kids and divorced when you’re in your later years. Can’t win.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Lia, Grief is one of the topics we cover in the 8 week online community program I created. It is a theme we return to again and again and many people find it helpful to remember that you are not alone. We have many parents in the community who help support each other's healing. There is a full video library in the community for members to access 24/7 and a whole section of videos on the topic of grief. We explore the "how" in the community. Practicing these skills is essential to learning new behaviors and having new experiences. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful as an adjunct to therapy. Please consider joining us in the conversation. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@malcador]

"Deny and minimize." Yup!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I'm glad this resonated with you. Please take a moment to share it with someone that you think needs to hear this too.

[@lynnanncastle77]

This is a very well worded video. There are certain family members I can try to relate to. The others I barely tolerate. I know my own truth so that is what makes my interactions with them bearable. I keep conversation at a minimum. And I keep them at arms length. I have learned through trial and error that no amount of trying to be realistic and honest is ever acceptable. It is so dysfunctional I just stay away as much as possible. Every year around my birthday my mother and I speak. It is mostly about how horrible her life has been, her pain, her suffering. She is angry and unhappy. I do not allow them in my home and I do not celebrate “my” holidays with them. I now spend Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, New Year’s and my Birthday alone or with friends. I have peace. Grief is about the right word for it - about missing what is not there. I am attending a family function in one month’s time. I will hold my nose and just get through it. I have absolutely no expectations of honesty. I just hope a fight does not break out. This group can start a fight over anything. I have left countless gatherings because of hostile interaction. I will align myself with the more gentle members and leave as soon as possible.

[@primrosedahlia9466]

I can't even participate at events anymore. I'm a gemini sun and saggitarious rising, so I'm just not able to be fake if someone broke my heart. My way of handeling broken trust or loyalty is to never see the person/persons again because they are dead to me. Showing up at a family gattering and listening to those people pretending to show empathy about something they've read in the newspaper, like "oh isn't it awful how that woman was murdered" whilst they aren't able to show sympathy with a family member that's been abused is beyond me. It's repulsive. Then they will make a lot of drama about how hopeless someone who does something different than them are.. Like whispering behind someone's back at how bad the person is at decorating the dinner table... I mean they are just horrible people. It's negativity all over the place except if they try to hoover you in again... In situations where there's only been a few of these dysfunctional family members I've done like you... Kept to the people who are calm and normal, and then left as soon as possible.

[@trafficjon400]

Scarrry. What kind of creatures are they. Nazi Germans incinorating the minds of people ?

[@christiank.bagleyofficial736]

This was a great video. I particularly identified with the part about denial and minimising of legitimate grievances and the ongoing grief too. I would add that in my experience, the poorer one is as a person, the more likely it seems that life itself will seem like a losing proposition- "What's the point in trying to get better when they won't even admit there's a problem and they simultaneously deny me the basic needs of life?", etc. Thanks.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad this video spoke to you. Thanks for the meaningful reflection. I hear you. These can be challenging dynamics. This topic also comes up in conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. You're welcome to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@jane_7193]

Healthy relationships are hard to build as long as one chronically holds on to the severly unhealthy family of origin connections. It is based on dysfunction, perhaps abuse, ndp and betrayal etc. The only option is to cut off, to move on to create a new ' family' and healthy patterns. The hardest thing is to understand that one is conditioned to stay in unhealthy relating patterns.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Good insights. Glad you connected with this video. These can be challenging dynamics especially when it comes to family. If you like this content then you may also find insight in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Check out the quiz to learn more. Thanks for your comment.

[@Honey-vz1qq]

That truth just hit me upside the head. I've been trying to figure my family out since I've solved my own mysteries. Thanks for a clear and direct explanation.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Many of our emotional states-of-mind are linked to or impacted by past trauma. This is often referred to as emotional flashbacks. Then, we find ourselves responding to these emotional triggers in predictable ways. I realized I needed to create a course to explain this further. I have taken the familiar trauma reactions of Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn and expanded them to include relating strategies. I created a RELATIONAL model for when we are triggered and flooded by too much or not enough intimacy and vulnerability. ​I mapped out a blueprint for how most of us respond. Which of these describe your relationships? Do you fight and yell and demand attention? Do you withdraw, isolate, and keep others at “arm’s length”? Do you stand silent with “big eyes” and go inside yourself? Do you quickly smooth things over, cover up your hurt, and appear agreeable? When our attachment bonds are compromised, distress shows up as fear and anxiety. Many of us will default to one of the Four Responses to manage this distress, specifically our Fight reaction becomes Poking, Flight becomes Running, Freeze becomes Hiding, and Fawn becomes Submitting. Here is the link to the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@Honey-vz1qq]

@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma I think I do a combo of standing silent with big eyes and go inside myself until I can withdraw, isolate, and keep others at arm’s length.

[@cynthiave5221]

My family sees me as the problem when I ask we fix something wrong in our family. My brother stole my parents home and my mom consistently complaints but refuses to involve the authorities. This has been going on for an AGONIZING 5 long years. There is mental, emotional and FINANCIAL ABUSE going on. I.CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE. I AM TRULY A MESS!!! I AM A WRECK. HURTS THAT I NEED TO CUT THEM ALL OUT BUT I NEED MY PEACE AND SANITY BACK.

[@Dream_Dreamlit]

That’s reason why I went no contact with all my family

[@HIblue187]

Thank you for sharing. I came out of an alcoholic family so dysfunction was the status quo and didn’t change until my parents passed away. A dead end relationship.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Empathy to you. Thank you for responding to this video. Many of us can relate with getting stuck in dysfunctional relationships.

[@SoulWashing-LeensEsteem]

Ive had enough of the chronic grief. Its killing me. Finally stepping away ❤

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I hear you. Many of us can relate with the chronic grief. It can be challenging. This is something that comes up in conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're welcome to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@darrenwelton8468]

Within the past few months, I have learned that I am autistic, bipolar, cptsd (narcissistic mother/absent father/enabling and codependent step father). I have been kickin ass and takin names and I have been struggling with this particular issue of my family. I feel a sense of hope and relief now. Thank You for your wisdom.

[@sylanncrisostomo7935]

Did you get therapy or were you able to pull yourself together?

[@sll110]

me too, very similar

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

No facility in the family system for receiving feedback. This is SO TRUE.

[@ramenaddict1676]

I live in a household when saying "no" and wanting my right for autonomy makes me the rude one, while they see nothing wrong with criticizing and belittling me, being shallow, and screaming at me for being "too emotional." I'm usually quit and always hide my emotions, but whenever I have anything valid to say I'm not listened to or heard. I am forced to be stuck no matter how I fight back. I do not have the privilege to just move out because I'm stuck with SSI that I'm failing to even keep and is financially unstable. I have autism, deppression and anxiety and my overprotective mother uses it against me to keep me trapped. She has no empathy and infantalizes me for it. I am stuck in an unfair power dynamic. I WISH I HAD THE PRIVILEGE AND TOOLS TO LEAVE!!!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Empathy to you. These dynamics sound like they can be challenging. Glad this video spoke to you.

[@Aruena]

I’ve been there, staying with my dad for way too long. Then went on to assisted living and cut off contact. You can sign up for some programs probably if you have a diagnosis.

[@prisonmike3605]

I’ve tried to connect with my family but it was just tiring being the only one trying.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you for watching and for sharing your experience. I know that family dynamics and connecting with family can be a difficult, draining, and hurtful experience. My empathy goes out to you. Many of us have had the same experience with our own families. Please know that there is support for learning how to heal and grow through these things in the online community I started, Improve Your Relationships. Having support and encouragement from others who understand can make a huge impact. Consider joining in the conversation; we'd be happy to have you! www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@brandonbarnswell8059]

You summed up my adult experience with my family perfectly. It’s very uncomfortable for certain members of my family to be challenged or taken out of their comfort zone. You can see the anxiety building up as I’m speaking. It’s very frustrating.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Empathy to you. Family dynamics are so incredibly tricky and difficult, especially when the family is dysfunctional and doesn't warmup to the idea of change in communication and exploring outside of comfort zones. So many of us have similar families and similar experiences as yours. It's important that we understand the impact this has on us and our attachment styles. It's not uncommon for dysfunctional families to have a negative impact on people and create attachment injuries and traumas. Countless people have come to recognize this in their own families and their own experiences within those families. We find ourselves responding to the emotional triggers within our families in predictable ways. I realized I needed to create a course to explain this further. When our attachment bonds are compromised, distress shows up as fear and anxiety. Many of us will default to one of the Four Responses to manage this distress, specifically our Fight reaction becomes Poking, Flight becomes Running, Freeze becomes Hiding, and Fawn becomes Submitting. Here is the link to the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz If you don't feel like the course is 100% right for you, I recommend looking into joining my online Community, Improve Your Relationships. In this membership space, we discuss families, their impacts on us, and what we would like for ourselves moving forward in our growth and healing. We'd love to have you join in on the conversation. Check out the info page here: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@NerdyGirlLiveLove]

True. Everyone quit talking to eachother. Everyone decided to just handle their individual family bubble.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I hear you. Many of us can relate.

[@Joelswinger34]

It is just so bizarre to me that people would not be willing to change in order to be happy.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I hear you. I can empathize. I'm reminded how this can be frustrating. Family relationships is an ongoing topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. If you'd like to learn more click here: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@kathrynmullaney765]

They're really only doing themselves a disservice. This is one thing that's worse than never been married with children.

[@LisaCulton]

They love being miserable. They're used to it.

[@sleepysheep_4046]

I have stuff like this going on with my own family. We have regular contact each other and we’re still somewhat close. While there’s not any abuse going on, we cycle through the same arguments like clockwork and nothing ever gets resolved. I have some difficulties communicating with people in general and I know I’m a problem here too, but every time I voice my concerns about wanting to try fixing things, my family is adamant that everything is alright and that nothing can, or needs to be, changed. It’s absolutely maddening. I feel on edge when I’m near them, and this grief he me talks about is constant. I think my relationship to them has suffered over the years because of it. I don’t know what to do.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I hear you. I understand how these dynamics can be challenging. Many of us can relate with not knowing what to do here. Family relationships is a topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. You're welcome to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@loveinavoid2775]

Brutally accurate.

[@michaelmoores2654]

My siblings are very dysfuncional and toxic. There's no telling them as they get worse and start to threaten. They have made my life and that of my parents a living hell. I can't think of a single person who has a high opinion of them. They just go through life terrorizing everyone around them. A total disappointment. I'm almost 39 and have felt like this since a child.

[@smino7264]

I love this message. Thank you for sharing this. It takes 2 healthy people to have a healthy relationship.

[@butterflymomma1007]

Wow thats me looping, looping looping, truing to make changes, trying to be everything to my kids and marriage relationship. So sad but I became a wreck.

[@sylanncrisostomo7935]

How are you doing now?

[@starqueenlotus3755]

NC is the only option left in such circumstances.

[@clareunderwood6690]

Not necessarily. I think there's a video somewhere about that Jameela.

[@starqueenlotus3755]

NC is the only viable option for preserving our own peace and sanity. bcoz if we continue to stay in such relations be it anyone , parents or partners etc , where they dont want to feel us, see us ,hear us, understand us then we are definitely bound to loose our (remaining)happiness and peace . we are left with an unfilling emptiness. there is no scope to even expect that those people will ever change in a healthy way. i have been there. only after NC I got my peace back.

[@Trailblazers323]

Jameela Fayez 💯💯💯💯It is the ONLY option

[@malcador]

This is the conclusion I have reached. I'm tired and I realize I won't be able to do anything to help (other than be drained to death).

[@turkanismail8169]

This happened to me with my family and finally i got scapegoated. The best thing ever really, it pushed me to leave 3 family members with my father. Almost 2 years later im intergrating unfelt emotions. I was in anger, grief and resentment most of that time i felt crushed by their abuse, it had got rediculous. Im single working deeply on myself, caring for my child and father. They care back. My family just got smaller. The toxic part broke off.

[@tessah.7641]

Turkan Ismail You’re not alone ❤️ * hugs *

[@turkanismail8169]

@@tessah.7641 Thank you Tessa xx

[@peacejoy8454]

This is exactly what I am experiencing and the looping of grief is very painful!!

[@albertoc.4995]

this makes so much sense, ,i was told something similar by teraphists too, very difficult to even talk about our problems without blaming or ignoring or bashing, thank you

[@ambycakes]

my relatives would fall apart if you dare give them any feedback. I just walked away a few years ago. Haven't looked back and my life is so much more peaceful and happy.

[@christina334]

Thank you I'm searching the internet for someone to say something like what you just said thank you

[@princemishkin1601]

I needed to remind myself of all this today since it's been haunting me that I've had almost no contact with my family for 8 years. But when I listen to Alan, I realise I made the right call. I truly wanted ( and want) to connect with them in a healthier, more functional way. But in their minds the problem is that I won't fall back into being the sacrificial scapegoat who gives of themself until there's nothing left to give. To them, me drawing boundaries is "shirking responsibilities" which they feel entitled to. I was always given the choice of falling into line, or hitting the highway. So I eventually chose the highway. It really hurt, but I had to do it for myself. And it was just sad to discover how much they were willing to lose me over looking at themselves in the mirror. As time has gone on, and my sister has turned into my mother, with the same disastrous consequences to her life, I just watch in horror as another generation repeats the madness and trauma of a previous one. I feel alone but relieved to be out out of it.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Empathy to you. It is a difficult reality to accept. But it is a reality we need to allow in order to take care of ourselves. You have great clarity. Family systems have a mind of their own. Family Relationships is a recurring topic in the Improve Your Relationships Community. It is helpful to get support from others who can relate and are also learning. Check out the community www.alanrobarge.com/community With awareness and corrective experiences intergenerational grief can finally find some resolve and peace.

[@tmosest]

Thanks! Appreciate the information and support.

[@MJay3060]

That is very well articulated and worded. It’s our responsibility to stop the cycle of dysfunctional families and learn and raise awareness and share experiences. I appreciate your sharing of knowledge very much.

[@sandrapacheco3074]

I’m the oldest & was the black sheep/ scapegoat for years -- but as all my siblings grew and saw & experienced trauma, things for themselves & I had sort of disappeared for years & then did they - one by one saw my parents as the problem & my stepmother wasn’t able to bad mouth, manipulate anyone against me at that point or anyone else - anymore without being called out or alienated. None of her children put up with her as adults now .They all called her out on my behalf & I didn’t know for years after & have become very protective of me and more inclusive but on my husband side there is no accountability & will do get togethers once in a while to put things under the carpet. His siblings take sides. It’s the two black sheep & the two the mother can still manipulate financially & we got to the point once we saw it ( dysfunction) extended to our children that we completely cut them off for a year now just like my birth mother for years now & it’s been a more peaceful life for it… It’s not worth it sometimes 😅

[@annmarieharrison9647]

Thank you for posting this video.

[@danielletripkoff4199]

I made the effort for many years to try to connect with my family. But, they hardly ever made the effort to connect on their behalf. My feelings were very hurt by that. I cried and cried about it. I no longer try to connect with them. If they ever want to make up they can come to me.

[@__badlilvibe9006]

I love how blunt you are.

[@britniturner8109]

This video makes so much sense

[@marcellakramer5871]

I am so glad to no longer be a part of the Toxic Family System I grew up in. The Cut Off I did was the Best decision I have ever made. I am calm and at peace.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for comment. Glad you are finding peace.

[@deniserosser7080]

Thank You for your insight into our painful experiences.....♡ ....And showing there is hope to move forward none the less alone if necessary

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you for watching the video and sharing a comment. I appreciate the feedback.

[@deniserosser7080]

You make me see so much that I didn't want to face.....as in the neglect, not abuse, really......but it would have been nice to hear how proud they were of me.....they had their own pain, and I know that...all is forgiven towards them.....but now I'm healing.......♡♡

[@predragmilic5299]

THANK YOU.... FOR THIS VERY OBJECTIV INSIGHT.. it really explains situations where a lot of things were told but nothing was resolved

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you for valuing my effort to capture these difficult dynamics. I hear you. Many of us can relate. Glad this offers benefit. Family relationships is a topic that comes up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. You're welcome to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@TheRmpost]

This is amazingly well said. Thank you so much.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate the kind words. Glad my work brings you value. I know when we mentioned this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Take the relationship quiz to learn more www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2

[@louiseislam7424]

I needed to hear this. I have been the family scapegoat all my life. Everything was my fault even when it wasn't. The most abusive member my brother has beaten me physically, mentally tormented me and everyone else in the family takes his part. When I got frustrated and slammed doors etc. they all seemed to notice my behaviour and not what caused it. I have been called all the abusive names by my brother, he has turned on my husband who is a wonderful man in comparison and he has accused me of committing cyber fraud against him before discovery of the real culprits. I cut myself from them for good 2 years ago it has left me ill but I am slowly recovering. I have good relationships with my in laws

[@Lyrielonwind]

This is a confirmation about why all my past attempts failed. Nothing to do but staying away.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Empathy to you. Many can relate with this frustration of connection being denied. Sometimes learning relating skills can make or break relationships. It's helpful to learn about attachment distress and how it shows up for different people to build understanding for each other. Consider taking The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course. Check out the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

This is great information. Thank you so much Alan.

[@veronikabusel3174]

Great explanation, Alan! Thank you very much!!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad you like the video. Thank you for letting me know it was helpful. Since you like this video you may also want to check out The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@kimmiw8663]

Self deniel...self deniel...self deniel..it's sad that they cant look at reality for what is real

[@simonsays525]

Wow, such a short video but soo soo powerful. I love how you relate the family to systems thinking. It makes so much sense. Things will never change in the system if there isn’t a process in place to review the system and adjust/fine tune the system.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate the kind words. Glad this video delivers clarity. Thanks for valuing my work and efforts.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Thank you Alan. This is very helpful.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

You're welcome. Glad this is helpful. For more content like this you may also like the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@briobarb8525]

Just discovered your podcast... well done and well said! I look forward to more. Psychology (lived out) is still my life passion after not finishing my degree in it. A regret I will carry to my grave. But yet...at 68 years of age... I will NEVER not pursue greater emotional healthiness in my personal life and telationships every day I live on this planet. Though not an easy road to travel given that we live in such a dysfunctional world and society every day! But..."keep walking," I will! Namaste to all who journey that difficult path of choice as well! ❤❤

[@suzannebrown945]

Absolutely correct……Yes this is the first time I have heard this truth articulated…..Thank you

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad my work speaks to you. Thank you for valuing my effort. If you haven't already heard about it, you may also like taking part in our conversations on this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@judithwallace2091]

Outstanding!

[@breakthecycle1971]

Thank you for a powerful video!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate the comment. Glad my work brings benefit. If you like this video then you may also like to get in on the conversations on this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@MazarXSkunk]

Thank you so much for this video. You clearly give a break down of a dysfunctional family. You were spot on with describing my family’s behavior. My husband and I moved in with my mom for over 7 years because she had a rare case of cancer. We offered to pay for her mortgage and handle the most of the everyday stuff like groceries, cooking, cleaning, etc. We nursed her on days she was worse than other days. Just recently I questioned her how much more of the mortgage was left and she got really defensive. We found out less than half of what we paid her on time every month for over 7 years went to it. Her and her family accuse us for not ever doing anything and we are worthless. All we wanted was to have a loving relationship with her. My aunt just threatened me with an attorney and the police within a 3 day span. She even ended up physically attacking me. We decided to leave on our own account. I have to admit even though my mom and her family are super dysfunctional I still feel sad and there is a void.

[@richardmabe4186]

Thanks for this, I had two good kind parents who I'm grateful for. Unfortunately I have a brother with a very narcissistic personality who is married to someone similar. I suspect my brothers problems began at school where he was badly bullied when young and developed a defence mechanism? A gulf has opened between us which is a big disappointment as I have no other family left.

[@kaloskwwcc]

Well said. Thank you for your video.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for watching! Please consider spreading the word and sharing this with somebody who needs to hear it today!

[@Patchkaa33]

Everything you said 200percent correct. Best to go non contact . Grief will come then freedom .

[@ruhibhatia3340]

Why do people not have the motivation to change the status quo if it troubles them as much as it troubles the person requesting for the change? Why do they prefer to remain in the status quo?

[@StarlightPrincess70]

Avoidance of pain at all costs.... pain and ultimately, shame.

[@hovikkevork3069]

I think trying to make changes hold's way more emotional risk than keeping up with the pain from the status quo. They know subconsciously the domino effect that might start within them, once they accept one aspect of such change. Sometimes, it can be just too much to handle at once, especially if you've lived decades of you life being part of that system.

[@MsBird322]

Dammit Alan, you just hit the nail on the head with a house. In short, I needed to hear this video and thank you for posting it.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad my work speaks to you. Thank you for valuing my effort. If this video is helpful, then you may also like getting in on our conversations on this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@penelopelambson9128]

It sad when family either do not want change or are unable to change. Status quo is the safe place for them.

[@OLAlchemiAzazel]

My family is so dysfunctional they are closed minded! They reject my voice, and turn me down, it’s not repairable! A therapist MUST intervene and yet there may be no chance. At this point I see it’s their own mental illness. I can’t work with my siblings much less my mom, which she’s can’t do NO WRONG!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Empathy to you. Family dynamics can be so hard.

[@aurliogascon3770]

dysfunctional and toxic family relationship always never change it is a vicious cycle

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

They can be difficult dynamics.

[@aurliogascon3770]

@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma that is why my decision is...no plan having offspring.

[@TheeMan101]

BRILLIANT MAN! This was sooo spot on.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for the kind words. And thanks for valuing my work. Glad this resonates for you. Family relationships is a topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. If you like this video then you may also like to take part in the conversations. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@johnmaggiorino4493]

Makes a ton of sense! 👍

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Great to hear that! Family dynamics are really hard to navigate, and they're almost always messy and tricky, and sometimes overwhelming. Many of our emotional states-of-mind are linked to or impacted by past trauma. This is often referred to as emotional flashbacks. Then, we find ourselves responding to these emotional triggers in predictable ways. I realized I needed to create a course to explain this further. I have taken the familiar trauma reactions of Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn and expanded them to include relating strategies. I created a RELATIONAL model for when we are triggered and flooded by too much or not enough intimacy and vulnerability. ​I mapped out a blueprint for how most of us respond. Which of these describe your relationships? www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz I also want to invite you to join my online Community, Improve Your Relationships. It's a place where people from all over can come to learn and heal from their attachment injuries and traumas. Everyone is so encouraging and friendly, and it can be helpful in learning, growing, and healing when supported by people who can understand. We'd love to have you join us in the conversation. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@grawakendream8980]

great vid it certainly lines up with my experience

[@SJ-zy1jf]

Dear Alan! Thank you very much for this video! Your angle and perspective really spoke into my own personal situation. Your theory is very insightful! I am a Psychotherapeutic Counsellor.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Hi SJ. Thank you for the feedback and I'm glad you found ideas in the video relatable. I appreciate you letting me know you value my perspective. Since you liked this video you might also be interested in a new course I created. To learn more take The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Also, to continue this conversation about chronic family rejection of change or repair, then you may like to join the community, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program that started today 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community And if you'd like to support the continuation of the videos please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution: www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for letting me know the video was helpful.

[@gavinwaterman5456]

Dysfunction in families needs to be caught early, otherwise it gets worse overtime. Also doing the therapy work on yourself backfires and leaves you in a lonier position, thats my experence from doing it.

[@kareemmohammed5270]

profound, resonate Alan.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad this speaks to you. Thanks for valuing my effort. This comes up in our conversations on family relationships in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're welcome to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@mjm5081]

Alan, thank you for sharing your wisdom, expertise, and experience. Needless to say, you pretty much nailed my family dynamic. I won't go into specifics, but I just wanted to say thank you and wish you well.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Many of us can relate with these family dynamics. Glad this video speaks to you. Thank you for valuing my effort. I know when this was mentioned in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. If you're not familiar with the Community learn more by taking the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2

[@mjm5081]

@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma Thank you for sharing 😃 👍 👊

[@jenniferarnold-delgado3489]

wonderfully spoken

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you.

[@mysteryme1273]

I don’t know why my family is just distant and always pretended abuse wasn’t happening to me. I have a brother and uncles and they all sat back and did nothing while I was being sexually abused. They act like nothing has happened and anything I went through and reached out for help during adulthood they act like I’m crazy. They won’t see any they live in denial and I wish I could find healthy people. I hate my family

[@Chahlie]

I mentioned to a friend how my family didn't mention the abuse, everybody just knew not to be alone with ____, and apparently it's common, everybody just 'knows' but nobody will say anything. We were so programmed to perpetuate the lies in the community.

[@michelemurphy3541]

If they are malignant | on malignant scale/spectrum, they will not acquiesce the odd guy out because they must protect their fragile egos. I am 56. Took me this long to unravel the riddle puzzle. It is all about their fragile ego and where ever they are on that spectrum, will yield the lengths they will go to protect their fragile ego. It’s just sad. All of it, sad. This is terrific, thank you. Self generating, dysfunction creates more dysfunction and it does cause grief.

[@MrSuperbluesky]

Thank you

[@Plantehygge]

This is my life. My mother said on tuesday, lets go look for a silver ring for you tomorrow. the new day i didn't hear from her. when i called her, the machine was answering all day. later, she answered like nothing happened. i said, thanks for the ring!! im angry and crazy now because she always promise, and dont follow up. and im sitting here feeling rejected missunderstod, crazy. she says im to serius, and not spontanius enough. Dear Allan or anyone am i Crazy ??

[@lindachandler2349]

Catina Mauro : some great ideas but I don’t agree a 5 or 8 year old could do anything to deserve a grudge? Surely not!

[@rachaelnelson8029]

WOW, Sophie I feel your pain ... That's been my life as well cause almost a decade ago my parents had full access to all of my healthcare and because of that they could call my Dr. an clinic (that I was at then) up on the phone and talk to them about anything!!! :( ... Well when I was a kid my parents put me on a really awful anti-depressant an told me that it was a behavior control medicine that I had to have (because of the way my behavior was,) when in actuality it was a really sick anti-depressant and soo for about 6-10yrs I had been taking this really awful anti-depressant and didn't even know it!!! :( Then probably around 2010-2011 because my parents had full access to all of my healthcare they called my Dr. an clinic that I was at (at that time,) screwed around with my medicine and raised this sick, awful anti-depressant (that I never knew I was taking in the 1st place!) :( ... Well when that happened I started to get really awful light induced headaches an then because of that, that awful anti-depressant went back down to where it was before and then eventually I stopped taking that sick, awful medicine that I never knew I was taking in the 1st place! However, that didn't make my sick, awful light induced headaches go away and then the headaches eventually turned into seizures!!! :( ... AND then roughly 2yrs ago (to the day) in early February 2017 I lost my drivers license due to my seizures and in-return because of that I haven't been able to go to the House of Prayer that I always went to for over 2yrs now and I hardly ever get to go to the Church that I always go to because I can't drive and there's no Good public transportation!!! :( What's also just Soo despicable and horrendous about this is that I didn't even know that family was real until I stepped my foot inside of this Church I now go too ... AND now because I can't drive a car I have no way of being able to get to Church, soo it's like all those Wonderful, Amazing, Beautiful things that brought soo much healing into my life just all got ripped, stolen and taken away from me!!! :( Soo this is just soo, soo unbelievable!!! Dysfunctional Families are just soo appalling and ridiculous!!! :( TTYL, Love Rachael :)

[@rogerlittreal642]

You can't depend on them .. they don't care how you feel.. there is no integrity. Don't fall for it.

[@SJ-zy1jf]

Dear Sophie you are not crazy, there is a relationship dynamics called the pull and push behaviour. Sometimes this is a way some people like to interact and bond to others, it is a power dynamics, you are pulled in , once your on board you are pushed away, this is what is also known as an ambivalent attachment style. Sorry to hear your pain and frustration

[@georgedaviotis3016]

Very well articulated

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you for valuing my effort. If you like this video you may also like the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2

[@scribebing2043]

I was so HAPPY 2 RELEASE MYSELF FROM THIS COLLECTIVE TOXICITY💣💣🎯

[@keithleeuwen877]

Yes, this makes sense.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

glad to hear that. thanks for the feedback. please also share this video with a friend.

[@nbonasoro]

I asked for change so much that I was told I was a know it all, and nobody was capable of, nor did they want to change. At this point I don't talk to my family. My sister accused me of not responding to her messages and my aunt messages me in anger asking why I won't talk to my sister. I send screenshots of myself messaging my sister trying to start conversation over the course of months without any response from my sister, to my aunt and I don't get a reply back. When people have a world view sometimes nothing can change it.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for reflecting and for sharing your experience. I can imagine these dynamics are frustrating. Glad this video spoke to you. Family relationships is a topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're welcome to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community