Key Patterns to Recognize to Determine if the Dismissive Avoidant is Becoming Securely Attached

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Key Patterns to Recognize to Determine if the Dismissive Avoidant is Becoming Securely Attached
- How to Know if the DA is Becoming More Securely Attached
- Patterns to Recognize
- Checking for Secure Attachment
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Thank you for watching!

[@thomasfranson3542]

This was exactly me as a DA becoming secure. But my FA broke up with me claiming I wasn't doing the work and that they could not continue to try to work things out. Seeing this really touched me and helped me to see I am growing and healing. Just joined the school yesterday too. Looking forward to being healthier in my relationships!

[@jenniferbosi9382]

Congrats on becoming more secure!!! When a FA is deactivating we tend to close off and say “We can’t do this anymore”. The more I healed myself, the more I understood the stories I told myself and controlled how I projected.

[@Unxpekted]

I'm so proud of you. It's not easy, I recently realized I am a DA as well after I noticed a pattern of self sabotaging behaviors when a partner wants to take things to the next level. Acknowledging you are a DA is powerful, then you can start the work to actually become secure. Wishing you much success & happiness in your journey!

[@Demifan39]

Agreed as a DA if you express your needs clearly we are either excited to meet your needs and will or we won’t meet your needs because it currently exceeds the emotional withband we are comfortable. If you clearly state your needs then the fear we have of being an inadequate partner will diminish because you are clearly telling us how to make you happy. Only deal with a DA who will put in the work to become better if not it can be very confusing trust me as a DA who dated a DA it can feel neglectful on their partner but it isn’t on purpose.

[@ariantejano2518]

OMG. I'm DA and I'm exhibiting all these growth patterns in my current relationship with AA. It's so true that I'm feeling a bit anxious and needy and obsessed, and my AA just laughed when I told him that. Like it's true! And he found it sweet. And I was like, how is being needy sweet? He just laughed. I was so confused. Now, this video makes sense. Thanks!

[@roshalllambert]

I felt like that too on my healing journey

[@dejustomariel8305]

As a DA how do you handle self blame? I'm also DA but now secured. I don't have problems with getting close with people now. But I still struggle with self blame when I remember my past behaviors😢 Any advice?

[@thehapagirl92]

Unfortunately many dismissive avoidants taht I know have never wanted to put in the work at all. I've dated a few dismissive and I have always showed up for there and been willing to do the work, but none of them have. They just did not care. One ex even told me straight up that he did not want to do the work and didn't care. It was disgusting. He cried when he broke up with. He was visibly upset. I tried to comfort him and get him to rethink his decision since we had not been dating that long. He was just pushing me away because he was used to not dating anyone.

[@vodkaandlime]

I started working on myself because I thought it would solve the problems between me (FA) and my ex (DA). I didn't realise that unless he was also willing to show up and put in the work, all that would happen is I would recognise more clearly the ways in which we were not working.

[@ShaynaS5]

I'm literally going through that right now with my boyfriend of 4 months. He is not willing to put in any work at all he is not even willing to try!! Yet here I am giving to 100% and getting crushed and hurt daily by not hearing from him for a week at a time seen him every 8 to 12 days when we live 30 minutes apart it's insanity and I don't know what to do because I love him.

[@user-rb5vo7vn6y]

a. llewellyn, thanks for sharing!! It has been very emotionally challenging for me as a FA partner of a DA/FA and I related to the experiences being shared, but despite the challenges my DA/FA has had in growing, he has made significant progress even without watching these videos and taking the courses. I always find it encouraging to know that there are DA’s out there willing and wanting to do the work and see the positive changes in their lives. My partner is slow moving, but he is getting there and I am so grateful. I will continue to work on my own growth and healing and try to have patience and compassion for him and his journey. Thanks for showing up! You’re very courageous and inspiring 💕

[@user-rb5vo7vn6y]

I am sorry for your pain. I experience it myself. It’s very difficult for them. They’re not hopeless though. It can be painful to be in a relationship with a DA that is scared of growth or change, or even unaware of the possibility. My DA/FA wants to grow and change, but at the same time resists it and says that he doesn’t and that how he is is just WHO he is. It’s all protection mechanisms. But working on ourselves and showing up for ourselves while having compassion for them, regardless of what relationship status we end up with, is very important. Anyway, my DA/FA and I have been having rocky roads lately, but he sent me this video the other day and I think it is really reflective of the struggle DAs and DA/FAs can feel, especially when they don’t believe that change is possible or it’s too scary. m.facebook.com/gremlinraps/videos/2541856926083772/?refsrc=https%3A%2F%2Fm.facebook.com%2Fgremlinraps%2Fposts%2F3356374467771360&_rdr I hope that link/address works, because it’s really good. But, there is hope for DAs and I’m so proud of everyone putting in the work.

[@a.llewellyn]

@@user-rb5vo7vn6y thank you for your kind words. We are all in this together ❤️

[@sara_sofia_1984]

I dated a dismissive avoidant for over a year. It was very painful to me because he simply wasn't willing to do the work to change and meet my needs, though I was very clear in my requests and I gave a lot of energy to the relationship and trying to find a way to make things work... It's sad that he didn't see the value of working on this and I see him pushing away everyone in his life... I did see signs that he was becoming more secure as he was with me, but the pain of his disconnection when I needed him the most was unsustainable to me. He triggered my deepest anxious wounds... In the end I had no choice but to leave.

[@paula817]

I’m the first one to say to run for the hills from a DA.....BUT I made a beautiful little girl with one and when he shows up, he IS great with her. The trick is to get him to come around more often. It’s been almost 2 years since we’ve broken up but I’ve noticed after calling him out on doing the bare minimum in a loving but firm way, he’s actually responded very well. I pray for my daughters sake that he continues on this upward trend....this video seems to mirror exactly what’s happening in my life right now. Thank you, Thais!

[@angelicaduarte2599]

I’m becoming more secure! I really thought that I was developing an anxious attachment, it felt weird but it’s comforting to know i’m just being normal. 😅 Now i’m working on creating space for others! I want to be more present so they know they’re heard. 🙏🏼 I came out of a relationship with a FA because although he acknowledged there was an opportunity to get through and become closer after a misunderstanding, he straight out told me he didn’t want to and that he didnt see a relationship anymore. I didn’t have time or the energy anymore for guessing games so I decided to take him at his word. I thank God that I am secure enough now to leave when another person doesn’t want to work on themselves as I strive to grow too... I dont want to be held back. 😅 Moving into a non-fight/flight physiological state would be nice too. 🙌🏼 All in due time I hope.

[@mmag1180]

The part where you said when fearful avoidants start to heal they become more dismissive was so interesting to me because I was fearful avoidant but have been making progress towards becoming more secure, but when I did tests again I came out with dismissive avoidant quite a lot. So that was enlightening to find out why

[@laurabeigh283]

Ive noticed i have become more avoidant to protect myself from my DA. Hmmm

[@0Demiyah0]

It's so interesting you pointed that FA become more dismissive, because they hold space for themselves. On face value how I am turning. But I explained it to myself as becoming self-sovereign. I told my DA that I need to vent today, and asked if he had a moment, and he replied he'll be careful to read my texts and will hold that space for me. He was very engaged and wonderful support. Maybe we come into higher alignment? I have very good vibes about our/my journey currently, and I have a lot of your content to thank for it Thais! Thank you so much. You're touching my life, and helping me expand.

[@elaineypainey]

That’s so lovely to hear about ☺️

[@0Demiyah0]

@@darlawrence9295 that's a really interesting view, thanks for sharing that, but I don't think it fits my experience : ) Most definitely I was already FA in recovery before I met him. It was a relief to me to date a DA after a couple AA partner's, because I love all the space I'm getting to do my own thing without needing to justify myself or soothe my partner, like I was used to with AA's. It was only after 5-6 months of dating, when I became aware of the depth of my feelings for DA, that I became triggered into my anxious side.

[@0Demiyah0]

@@darlawrence9295 I think I just embrace it as a journey. He's really my best friend, so although I try be realistic about the limitations and his flaws, and have my boundaries, I also never really had such a click with such a generous, loyal, kind person. He's got his moods, and his DA-behavior. I guess, when you love a person, it doesn't need explanation... It is... : )

[@chickletmonstah]

Yeah i seem more dismissive and more vocal about my boundaries to people. Like I’ll say I want to walk alone because it’s my alone time. Or just flat out say I don’t want to share my info because I don’t feel comfortable. Or say I don’t want to participate in the gossip because I don’t want to get sucked in the drama, got enough to worry about already. Didn’t care about the outcome. I’m learning to self validate. Less needy and codependent.

[@Themastermindscanvas]

I think if less people put up with toxic behavior from DA and FA they would actually be forced to work on their issues. Maybe they should only date secure types who have more tools to help them. None of my avoidant partners felt they had a problem and weren't willing to put in the work. I've seen so much heartbreak caused by these types and I don't think it's a good idea for anxious types who seek closeness to date them.

[@dejustomariel8305]

You can't make people change regardless of attachment style if they don't want to😅 I'm DA amd now secured but I was forced to make research and read books about psychology in childhood trauma after a 2 year crazy highs and lows, on and off relationship with an AA. It made me very suicidal and depressed not knowing what is happening. All I know is it is toxic yet I could not leave because everytime I leave I feel like I'm going to die without him by my side so I keep comming back.😅 Now as a secured attacher when I find myself attracted to AA's I can spot red flag specially victimizing themselves and blaming others, as well as guilttrippings and controling behaviors. When I get attracted to my fellow DA I can also see red flag because I noticed that they have this behavior of stonewalling me when I want to get close and when I am busy they reach out and feel safe to communicate. I don't take it personally but I want someone who can get close with me and meet my emotional needs.😅 I don't have time any insecured attachers whether it is my fellow DA or an AA or FA. I prefer someone who is calm, stable and secured.❤ I hope this comment helps you to not hold grudge and take your avoidant exes behaviors personally. They have issues and it is their responsibility to grow and learn. CHANGE IS A DECISION. If they want to change, they will. Just move on and do the work to become more secured. Secured are attracted to other secured attachers with no highs and lows.❤

[@leroygordon9989]

Just the free KZbin videos have helped me sooooooo much. I am in absolute love with my dismissive avoidant. We've known eachother for years. And I knew he was the one I wanted. And I knew and felt he cared so much. And I've been so analytical and stupid in my relationship with him. And we have been on a Rollercoaster of my insecurity and his also. It was the typical dismissive/fearful attachment.. and we both are aware that we both put eachother through some traumatic events with our insecurities in the past. And the dialog you mentioned has done wonders. He's been the most absolute sweetheart who is applying so much to the relationship. It's going to take time. But we have finally started to move into the best space we have been in. I can feel his love so much more. I can see it. And his communication has gotten so amazing, it's super endearing.

[@janislove26]

Can you do a video on how to have potentially emotionally-triggering conversations with a DA? For example: Even if a topic is not heavy, but the partner of a DA wants to discuss a conflict, in an objective way, how can one properly bring this up so as not to “activate” the DA? It feels like their defenses are up constantly and it makes it very difficult to disarm and be heard and thus make progress. Especially when they are unaware. Thank you, Thais! You’re changing lives.

[@janislove26]

As a partner, sometimes it feels like they resent you for having feelings or triggering them into having unpleasant feelings - even if it’s just an average conflict or typical misunderstanding.

[@hashtagmate]

As a DA i can tell you what works with me: coming from a place of love and understanding. Making it clear from the beggining of the convo that you are "on the same team" and you aren't here to critizise (sorry don't know how to spell that 😂) start the conversation in a calm moment when they feel safe and try keeping it calm and gentle... when things get too emotional you can say "ok i think we are going in the wrong direction let's redirect" or smth like that

[@hashtagmate]

You can go more in the "intellectual" direction like analysing a problem that makes it feel less emotional

[@user-rb5vo7vn6y]

hashtagmate I’ve read both of your comments and I think they’re good tips, unfortunately they don’t work for everything. 😔

[@user-rb5vo7vn6y]

I so need this... even for normal disagreements in perspectives on things outside of the relationship. I recently had a disagreement with my DA/FA... to me we were just having a discussion... to him I was being controlling and then it turned into I have been pushy and controlling for the past few weeks... it seems really unfair, like he gets to express his thoughts, emotions and beliefs, but i can’t do the same unless I buffer it or wait until a time when he’ll be more receptive... but most of the time just holding things back so I don’t rock the boat too much. I keep trying the conflict communication stuff, but either I’m not good at it or I need more strategies to try or both. The whole while before this happened, we were getting closer than ever and I thought we were both healthier and happier than ever. He had even said he wanted to start working on his attachment style and I have been working on mine and he had been encouraging it! Sometimes it’s like stepping on a land mine on a sunny beach... you didn’t even know you were at war. I know a big part of the solution is for him to do the work he needs to do (and having patience with him), and that I should be able to speak my mind and have a differing opinion, but I guess I just want to be a little better equipped so I have a land mine map... or maybe a diffuser.... that’s one part of the conflict communication stuff I struggle with... is that diffuser part. He keeps things so bottled up, I didn’t even know something is being triggered or that it will be...

[@CristinaaaMx]

Wonderful job thais. We love DAs.

[@hashtagmate]

Valles Elena thank you, that means a lot. DA (see how i can open up and appreciate love once i feel accepted? 😂)

[@purplemidnight1571]

I'm so glad you made this video! I am a fearful avoidant with a dismissive avoidant fiancee. We have been together for about 6 years and working on our relationship for about a year. It has been challenging working on my attachment and doing my best to understand his too. Some days I get discouraged but this video has helped and I do think my partner is starting to slowly move toward secure. I feel it has been harder because he's not very interested in psychology. Thank you for sharing all this very useful information!!! I used to think I was a little borderline and he was a little narcissistic before I discovered attachment theory. Knowledge is power! Again, thank you :)

[@christopherscott3264]

Jean G Thank you for your vulnerability and sharing.

[@Nicole-is-global]

SO ACCURATE. I am a dismissive avoidant in transition. We have our lapses but everything you said is spot on.

[@laurabeigh283]

Good on you! 😊

[@evmage7530]

Thank you so much Thais. I always come back to your videos about DAs, when I need some clarity about my partner. ;-) Your videos help me to understand his side of things and consequently be a more considerate partner. He has been so patient with me and my mental health struggles through the years, I want to hold space for him as well. - We also hold each other accountable, but it never hurts to know how to love your partner better.

[@valfle]

This is so helpful. Me and my partner are becoming more and more secure and sometimes it is irritating and hard in a positive way. I feel very hopeful

[@lau.tizzir]

Hey, I think I'm becoming secure then! :) Or at least it seems I'm on the right track... I was worried thinking that I was more "needy" because I'm eager to connect more. On one hand, I understood that this is a good thing, but a part of me was worried that this meant that I would become an AA or FA, but I think this may be me being a DA trying to avoid the change.

[@krisgi00710]

I am an SA, come to find out, and I did not know my ex was a DA until I came across LDS. I left him 5 months ago, after 9 years, for stonewalling. In spectacular flight mode. Literally running up the steps of my house to leave the last time I saw him. He would not tell me what was wrong. But, aside from his inability to deal with emotional stress on occasions, he was a great partner. Loving and supportive. I am a strong communicator, logical, and this helped him, I believe. I understand him so much better now and would give us a second chance, but I don't think he will trust me again.

[@razvanyke]

Dear Thais, I am very happy to have found this video and your channel. As a hardcore DA my whole life, always wondering "why do I do that?", I now realize that all the patterns mentioned by you are present in my life and I am constantly doing them. Talking about feelings is still not entirely easy, but I am aware now when that happens. Thank you for another great video !

[@Selam-fr4lf]

I wish you could have a beer with my DA ex

[@ShaynaS5]

1st and foremost I wanna say how much I love you and all the information you bring. I am an anxious style and my boyfriend of 4 months is and avoid and dismissive.... This is the 1st relationship I've ever been in where the other person is not even trying and is so mentally and emotionally closed off and so repressed that it's like I've don't think he even has any Emotions at all and/or feels emotion. He'll go a week without talking to me at all. Generally we go 8 to 12 days before we see each other and that's totally on him. and because he always has excuses on why.. He never calls me. And he can never Commit to anything, literally nothing! His response will be "I'll try I don't know what I'll be doing but I'll try"... We all know that means nothing because that doesn't happen... I'm currently in training to become a facilitator and I feel like this relationship is hinjury me be my best self. Do I give it more time or do I just let it go?????? ****PLEASE HELP ****

[@jennyyoung9312]

I gave over 2 years to a DA. Absolutely Soul destroying! I'm now left with a trauma bond

[@user-rb5vo7vn6y]

I’m not sure what Thais would say specifically to your situation, but she generally encourages people to choose an amount of time they are willing to devote to a relationship (say 6 weeks-3 months) and work vigorously at their own attachment work, while taking note of whether their partner responds and becomes more open to change themselves. If, after that amount of time and after doing a lot of work for your own healing, they are unwilling to do any work themselves, she says you can then let the relationship go guilt free, knowing that you’ve done everything you can. That said, you never have to stay in a relationship that you don’t want to be in. There is hope for change for all insecure attachment styles. Just make sure you are learning your own boundaries and how to show up for yourself in a healthy way. His growth journey is not your responsibility, but yours is. That can be really freeing and empowering. It’s great that you are so aware of your attachment styles already, and that you’re recognizing your own needs. Whatever you decide, make sure you are considering your health and needs first. You can still have compassion for him and be kind now matter what decision you make. All the best 💕

[@motjon]

Disclaimer 0:00 Cues someone is changing in their attachment styles 4:58 Scholarship offers 9:00 Cues someone is becoming secure (cont.) 9:41 The Sympathetic nervous system explained 13:20 Summary of the cues 15:11

[@mismiserables]

What about being more secure in terms of physical affection and physical intimacy? Does that just automatically change with everything else?

[@BlaqueCzar]

Excellent question

[@Norton57]

Yes, thanks for asking about this. I still have a tough time deciding when it's appropriate to disclose that affection has led to physical and emotional abuse that was couched in really confusing/contradictory communication. This particular situation made physical boundaries really difficult to read and navigate.

[@vODDEVILISH]

Thank you! ❤️ I would be really thankful if you do this for the anxious preoccupied too. I can completely resonate with what you said about making the transition and breaking the codependent pattern. 🙏🏻

[@pattyl2811]

You are an angel. Your videos have given me hope that I can heal and that I can help others heal with love. You break attachment types down so well without villinizing anybody. It's not your fault what your attachment style is, but you can change. Effort is the biggest part of loving.

[@MadelaineGerman]

Thank you for showing up the way you do!

[@zainabbaig7208]

Can you make this video for anxiously attached individuals! Thanks for all you do!

[@mrsszmanda07]

Since finding your channel I’ve recognised my FA tendencies and how to become a lot more secure in my relationships. Thank you!

[@catherinedesormeau2700]

I would be so grateful for a similar video but for Fearful Avoidants. I'm doing the work to be more in touch with myself and I've noticed I'm starting to really demand space from my loved ones so I can explore myself. When you mentioned that FAs start distancing when healing aligned so much with me when I heard that, I would love to know what other signs to look out for to know I'm on the right path! Thank you for all that you do your work is so empowering for those who need it most

[@mariahducker6840]

You are doing so great Thais!!! I love these frequent videos. These are all very informational.

[@user-rb5vo7vn6y]

Thanks, Thais!! You’re doing great! Thank you so much for all of your hard work and excellent content. And thanks for being so supportive and encouraging! ❤️ I’m looking forward to the FA version of this video!

[@valfle]

I really like that the visual quality of the videos is damaticcly improving :) of course the concent has always been great

[@kriti3011]

Thais u r such a blessing! I joined the school recently, and the knowledge i am getting is so therapeutic, its worth every penny! Bless you dear!

[@evelyncaday9845]

Those last topics are definitely ones i would like to see. You've been so helpful for me seeing my dismissive partner. Thank you

[@IntuitiveWanderess]

So valuable. I’ve been blessed to experience these wonderful traits of presence, being giving, validating my feelings, wanting to meet my needs, from my partner. Thank you!

[@jmalvika]

You are doing hard work making these videos and thank you for it.

[@TheCoffeeCat]

Thais, I just want to thank you for your videos. They are helping me so much.

[@oliviamoore3250]

I'm so glad I found this video

[@ShaneWolffe]

How do you provide feedback to a dismissive avoidant without them shutting it out? My ex is highly dismissive avoidant and she gets very triggered if I point out that she is addicted to her struggle and self sabotaging. She pulls away immediately. Is it possible that she is considering what I’ve said? How are these people processing feedback due to their aversion to criticism? How do you coach a DA to see their Blindspots?

[@hashtagmate]

Shane Wolffe we do think A LOT about what you tell us, just in private so you might not see it. how bout you try telling her in a gentle way not critisizing but understanding and making her feel like you're "on the same team" and you understand her and want to help her. Even in your comment you seem kind of offensive i don't even know you but i got kind of triggered because of how you worded things 😂 maybe she isn't the problem here maybe you should be less harsh and more understanding and work on HOW you say things. Yes the truth can hurt and maybe you are saying the truth but i bet she gets triggered because of the "how" and not only because of what you say

[@hashtagmate]

DAs aren't some kind of alien, they are human and process things differently, yes, but the differences aren't as huge as you make them seem 😅

[@ShaneWolffe]

hashtagmate There are times where I may come off as harsh but it comes out of frustration. We do have lots of conversations where I explain that I’m on the same team. She understands that too but based on her past relationships she has a difficult time with trusting anyone. She has endured a lot of trauma which has made the process very long and difficult for both of us. I hope you’re right that she is reflecting on all of the things that we have discussed.

[@nicolesmith7611]

I'm changing everyday and my relationships with others have improved. I also learned that, besides my attachment style. Sometimes I must wasnt into a person and not follow my gut feeling. So relationships that make me question myself or feel drained are not always me.

[@TheCoffeeCat]

My DA is just not willing to work on himself or on the relationship, is not willing to go to therapy or to couple's therapy, is not making any progress showing vulnerability or sharing his life, has always had a huge difficulty saying he loves me, has already expressed to me that our relationship is torture to him and that the only solution in his mind is to terminate it, has already abandoned me for days without saying where he'd go and with no regrets (he says he would do it again), has said and continues to say deeply hurtful things to me with little or no remorse. And I have tried for almost 4 years to get through to this man, for whom I have uprooted my life and to whom I have given every ounce of love, care and patience I had. Faced with all this, I see that I am left with only one option - detach and cut all ties. I definitely do not want his friendship or any kind of connection after I am done, that is how hurt I am by him. The only thing I have to thank this experience for is a deepening of my own avoidant tendencies from childhood, because this man was so much like my mother. A merciless wall of ice.

[@angelabutron5054]

Woah this really helped me understand why someone I know as FA has seemed more DA recently!

[@grazingbelles9326]

Thais, I've seen my partner go in and out of this. I've seen him more secure, loving and giving and I've seen him dismissive and avoidant when he's going through a rough time. Can you please talk more about this and why it happens and what to do when it does?

[@jneenert1330]

Yes, I need a video about this also!

[@christopherscott3264]

Isabel Siu yes! I would really like that as well! My partner is a DA and I’m an anxious attachment; we have these ‘back and forth’ cycles that pull us together and then push us apart. I can relate to so many replies on here. Thank you all for sharing. I’m an anxious attachment with a dismissive avoidant, who is also an INFJ personality type (which makes it even more challenging, at times). It’s been SO enlightening and empowering to learn about myself AND my partner. It is SO worth it to do that HARD inner work but SO worth it! And, like so many of you on here, my partner is SO worth! I’m grateful for all of your videos Thais! Thank you!

[@C53Maximoff]

Love the intro! Do you have any videos on parent-child dynamics in adult romantic relationships? That would be super interesting. Like on how partners get into these unhealthy dynamics with each other

[@paula817]

Lukas G. That’s how I discovered her! Search her channel! I believe they’re titled “core wounds” Very, very interesting indeed!

[@C53Maximoff]

Mariposa Roja aw thanks my lovely I will check it out!

[@il2524]

Good video. Interesting information. Would u be able to do similar video for anxious attachment style individuals? How to know when they recover? What are the subtle signs?

[@vladimirsamsonov46]

I feel like putting a lot of work into my transformation and recently asked my DA if she noticed any changes. She responded saying that I am more present, focused, positive and helpful. Conflicts and arguments do not affect me the same way, because I cut off subconscious pain with CBT tricks Thais use to talk about.

[@UlfHaukenesWhiteWolfAlchemy]

Please make a video on "How to help the dismissive avoidant become more secure"

[@valentinanocross8677]

Yes, more signs alongbthe path of healing please

[@teresagvalle]

Four years together recently took a break and now slowly working on things. I just discovered this information I feel that I was the DA at first because of trauma from my ex. My current boyfriend helped me trust again and open up and was BIG on communication. I then became secure. I feel he was at first very clingy and that freaked me out but then once I felt safe I got use to always being together. He never really showed me when he was sad or stressed I thought he was so strong. We then started having problems I noticed he was backing off not as affectionate I then started becoming an FA which now in hindsight pushed him away which created this weird space. I freaked out and said I needed a break which lasted one day. He then changed into a person I never knew, he said he needed space and from there things have not been the same. He completely ghosted me for three weeks. He grew up with parents that were not good, mother a drug addict and father a narcissist who was in and out and finally left them for a new family. He then was the caregiving to his brother and sister. He always seemed so strong. He had a Grandparent who was his support system which was very sick recently and I believe now that's why he was pushing be away but never spoke about it even after many attempts from me asking but he would always say he was fine. I think that's when he was pushing me away I was so confused and felt the distance but didn't understand why. Now after reviewing this I feel that when I asked for a break I broke his trust because he was so loving and supportive before. When I was trying to get him back he would act cold I then started to express that I felt he didn't want me and that I would leave him alone. When I did that he started opening up slowly like he wanted to work on things but would not address anything serious just small talk. His grandparent passed away and I watched how he was doing and supportive for his brother and sister I was there supporting him. We have slowly started taking again and I believe it's very much because of the tools and information from this site. And I'm currently working on my attachment style. I finally feel i understand him now and the way he deals with stress. DA to a T.He pushes me away and pulls me back in now. He is grieving the loss of his only support system and I don't know how to be there for him during this time. I feel like he's in and out of trust with me. He is in the stage where he finally feels good to call, text and hangout and shows affection but then once he leaves he stays to himself not many calls or texts. He has gotten into playing video games recently which I saw in a video that they may do that to get away. We don't talk about anything emotional or our future or feelings. I just Tell him I'm here for him and give him his space. I know he is grieving and unsure of us. How do DA's deal with grief and is there anything I can do to help him feel safe and secure like he did for me? I feel like it's bringing the anxious attachment style up in me and I'm trying to give him his space. Do I show him my new discovery of these attachment styles? I feel that I'm using your tools and that's why he has opened up. It's been about a month since I started researching and it helps with my anxiety. I'm just confused as to when too have real conversation about our future or if I'm still what he wants with all that he is going through. I'm not even sure if we're in a committed relationship still. We just started hanging out every few days. Before we practically lived together. Is this the new normal? My heart hurts. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I'm trying to understand so I can help us grow.

[@minniehamstersweet23]

I'm in the same situation rn and i can feel what you are saying. It's really hard because i'm more anxious and i freak out whenever he does the whole shuting down, i feel like i'm walking on eggshels because everything i try to do and say he is just not having it, he even told me he can manage it by himself, because he thinks i wasn't there when he needed but i was the one to always ask how is he feeling and making sure he is ok. It's hard for him to open up, i also feel guilty because of that. I think patience and showing your support slowly might work, but at the same time you should focus in yourself aswell, because as the more anxious person you can really go into being depressed and other nasty things.

[@IsabelSmith31]

So brilliant 🥰😘

[@Hathor333]

Ty 🦋

[@jenniferl5456]

The DA that I’m talking to puts up a wall due to the pain of loss after his moms death. I believe that’s why he has DA behavior because he lost his safety and security and when I talked about this wall he he said he was open to working on his issues. We like each other. I’m patiently waiting yet focusing on myself but I feel we have the emotional connection. If I ask, he’ll reAssure me or speak honestly. People said to me that he was “stringing me along” but he’s stayed consistent and honest and I can see that along with the respect. I’m just giving him the space. I did the work on me and healed and I’m more secure so it’s helping a lot compared to when I was anxious attachment or fearful. It feels good to just feel secure in ourselves.

[@robertgarvansnyder4665]

Do you have a link to that video/series on how to do a better job holding space for others as a DA? That's a big growth area for me.

[@toninatoli]

Very cool content. Thanks a bunch, Thais. How to word this question 🤔? I'm guessing that DAs "do the work" somewhat differently than FAs and AAs. My FA hypervigilance has me seeing all kinds of interconnections, for ex. when I get an ah ha. How do DAs approach their stories and emotions in reprogramming? I want to be able to recognize it in friends or potential partners and give credit where due rather than miss it because they don't do it the way I do what I do! 😄

[@hashtagmate]

Toni Natoli it's hard to see because we do the work on our inside. I work on reprogramming myself and my partner has told me in the past he doesn't see a lot of changes which hurt a lot. I become very vocal about it and tell him he doesn't know what he's talking about and that in fact i have made a lot of progress. If he believes me i don't know. You have to pay attention to details, for example at the very begginning of my relationship when my partner would give me compliments i wouldn't respond or be awkward, now i say "thanks honey that's so sweet of you😊" maybe some people wouldn't notice this detail but inside it means A LOT LOT LOT has changed and trust me it was A LOT of hard work.

[@romanyfirst95]

I am committed to working things out. I might add that l am older than him as well.

[@Thebrowniebaloo]

Hi Thais. Thank you so much for all the content. Could you at some stage do a video regarding how the various attachment styles react to exes and to the responsibilities of being a step-parent. I am FA and so is my partner and we are both making great strides in becoming more secure but I have HUGE issues of insecurity when it comes to him interacting with his ex-wife. Intellectually I know he is committed to me and doesn't want to get back with her but I am consumed with jealousy every time I know he has to be around her or communicate with her (for the kids). At times I turn into a bunny-boiling lunatic and he is on his last nerve with it all because he is tired of constantly reassuring me. Plus he now dreads coming home because he's afraid of my reactions and being in lock-down means he has nowhere else to go. A series of videos on dealing with ex-spouses would be so very helpful. TIA

[@suset813]

When DA start to feel their feelings do they run a risk of becoming FA or AA? Like you said they feel a bit anxious, can that be a downside or they would be able to keep it in check on their own?

[@bonanza2252003]

Can you do the same thing targeting a Fearful avoidant

[@Chicochick111]

I am interested in your opinions on being in a long distance relationship with a DA. I’m an anxious person. We’ve been together for 4 1/2 years. Everything is great except the vulnerability part. I just can’t seem to say what I feel. I’m think it’s my fear of rejection getting in the way. We see each other every couple of months for a good chunk of time, 3-6 weeks. I need to get over this fear of being able to express myself

[@Crescent_Moon_Rising]

Can a DA change when in a long term marrige with a FA ? 22 years together.

[@karinteeples9715]

34 years here. I’m the FA he’s the DA. 😀

[@vodkaandlime]

Please would you do a video on the different attachment styles in the context of quarantine dating? I'm FA and I've been 'dating' someone via FaceTime for 7 weeks now. In the past couple of weeks I find myself going through these massive ups and downs in how I'm feeling. I go from being super excited and wanting to reach out and talk all day, to feeling like he's too much and finding reasons why it won't work. Meanwhile he is consistent and open and showing what I feel is the perfect amount of interest (not too much, not too little), so I don't know why I'm on such a rollercoaster. I feel like if we were dating in real life and able to see each other in person I wouldn't be going through this.

[@hashtagmate]

I am DA and my poor partner feels me getting more and more distant. Oops. I'm trying my best but it is just a reflex to turn away when things get hard and it hurts to not run away it hurts to be in this "distant but trying to get close" stage so i just get reeeeally distant until i don't feel anything anymore lol

[@alissa9399]

Trying to find info on scholarship information on your site but I can’t find where to contact someone or get help

[@pirminiuonkologiniupacient2746]

What about DA in healthy relationships? Is it commom to have doubts because healthy relationship is less about butterflies, impulsiveness and so on?

[@gaylesantone1885]

What is an example of beginning to opening up to provide space?

[@jessteubner9928]

Can you do the same video just for the anxious attachment style? Would be really really beneficial for those of us with an anxious attachment style

[@christopherscott3264]

Jess Teubner yes! I need this as well! I’m beginning my journey on healing my anxious attachment subconscious programming that I’ve had for over 42 years.

[@jessteubner9928]

@@christopherscott3264 how are you getting along with it so far and what are steps you took to start working on that?

[@hwy138]

I just found out recently that my husband is a dismissive avoidant . Married now 40 years. I have tried for years to figure out what was wrong with him. I want to tell him but I am afraid too. Should I tell him ?

[@westclare75]

I just told my husband I thought he was DA and he was impressed and wanted to know more. I am a secure so we have had a happy relationship for 21 years but we always joked and said that if it wasn’t for my happy childhood and my parents showing me how to have a happy relationship then we would never have survived. It is great to understand it in more details. Your husband might find it interesting

[@ME-xh5zq]

I had a feeling from watching your videos that you were a FA who has been in a relationship with DAs or at least someone who has been attracted to a DA in the past.

[@romanyfirst95]

How do you tell them that they have a certain attachment style ?

[@globalmark3300]

Hi Thais - do you have a Video or can you make on on Getting a Dismissive Avoident closer to securely attached EX back But when they are the one that broke up with me - i have see video Win them back but that implies i broke with them - or is it the same , how to start the process do i wait for them to contact me (slightly anxious Attached closer to secure) they already reached out once during coronavirus for light chat 2 weeks ago or should i contact them slowly as in other video - Thanks

[@julietechonova8540]

How do you know if they are willing to show up?

[@meeshell2267]

Will a dismissive avoidant ever be able to have intimate sex or is it so ingrained in someone's mind that they can't become comfortable with intimacy in that way? My husband is great about holding hands and kisses and he's really trying but I have to say the sex does not feel intimate in the moment it is very strategic and it's always been that way I guess... But I know that he does love me without a shadow of a doubt....

[@roshalllambert]

I just wanted to know is it possible when dismissive avoidants are trying to heal they can land up as another insecure attachement like fear avoidant or anxious? That is one of my fear for trying to heal my attachment. Apart from that thanks for doing this video. This was very helpful. Also thanks for clarifying the statements such as do not date dismissive avoidants I completely agree with what you said about that.

[@lau.tizzir]

I want to know that too. When asking myself this question, my conclusion is that I would rather be a DA than an AA or a FA. But that must be like a coping mechanism to keep myself detach and safe.

[@roshalllambert]

Laura Palka Same with me

[@BrokenSofa]

@@lau.tizzir It definitely is. I've been through the FA part of the healing and it was weird and it felt like going through a second puberty for about 3 months. It's worth it though, as you'll come back around and then recognise the patterns of DA you had not seen before taking this trip.

[@romanyfirst95]

We have been together 3 years but l believe he may be seeing someone else as his past history is full of dysfunctional relationships. It’s painful

[@prettybrowneyes165]

Can you do a video on how to date a dismissive avoidant during COVID-19? He and I connect in person very well but this distance is hurting us. He shuts down when we're not able to hear, see, and feel each other's energy physically. We can't look into each other's eyes and feel each other's vulnerability. Help! Lol

[@ginnytilby]

It is possible to heal your attachment style without being in a romantic relationship? I'm a FA

[@manuelqsjr]

What if you have children? Should we stay for our children to grow to become secure emotional people. I'm seeing how divorce has caused insecurities in my daughter's.

[@mannygrieco71]

How often do people mistake a DA for a covert narc?

[@jayjays4183]

❤️

[@Anailil8]

Is it possible for a dismissive avoidant to also struggle with being somewhat of an agoraphobic?

[@user-rb5vo7vn6y]

L C that’s a great question! My DA/FA seems to have this big time! He’s hyper vigilant even when going to the store. He says he can’t enjoy places when there are lots of people around (even when the amount of people is not what I would consider a lot) because he has to be especially mindful of them to make sure he is safe.

[@aetatismedia]

I'm DA-moving towards secure attachment and recently realized what I thought was social anxiety that I've felt most of my life (and worked on)... actually manifests as more of agoraphobia. Where it's not unfamiliar places or necessarily all crowds... but regular places (grocery.. bank... even getting out of the front door) can become like a mountain in my mind. It's a perceived dangerous/unsafe degree of unpredictability with the interactions that could happen. Comes across as 'moodiness' at times to others but that's not where it stems from.

[@blatherskyt]

starts at 4:50

[@basiaramona68]

yeah, but it's sooooo exhausting. How long does it take?

[@hashtagmate]

Basia Ramona don't hope a person will change just find someone who's right for you, it will be better for you

[@basiaramona68]

I used to be DA myself but after a therapy I started to be anxious and now I am more secure. Those attachment styles change through life unless you work on them.

[@12345678abracadabra]

My avoidant ex reached out to me after a year of no contact. He went from showing no initiation when we were together, to now where he texts me everyday, but these texts are mostly breadcrumbs and memes. What does this mean? He isn't texting me any substance, but he is texting me everyday. Is this him being more vulnerable now? Or should I cut my losses. He has been talking to me for 2 months now

[@SK-no2pp]

12345678abracadabra ask yourself regardless of his attachment style, do you want a man that will give crumbs for months; maybe even send memes only for 6 months? Or do you want someone that shows up for you- asks how your feeling, and how your day is? Wants to genuinely spend time with you. I went from anxious to secure and even has someone who is not codependent it’s so so draining to be in love with an avoidant. It depletes my energy

[@dervlamurphy1236]

Breadcrumbs n memes aren't enough to get things going again, there's no vulnerability in them!

[@nvh682]

Same happened to me. Let him go!

[@hashtagmate]

Everyone says "don't date DAs" don't worry we aren't out here trying to date y'all 😂 we don't even want to date someone who is so whiny and scared when they don't get attention 24/7, grow up and stop making us responsable for your insecurities

[@hashtagmate]

And just so you know i put in a lot of the fucking work i would say a lot more than my anxious partner cause things come naturally to him and i have to consciously work on it so yeah i do more of the work. And i work on myself 24/7 BUT i won't take shit i won't let anyone make me responsable for their personal problems

[@purplemidnight1571]

Hi I'm FA and my partner is DA. I know he is trying and so am I. I appreciate your comment because you mention you try hard and sometimes I feel my DA doesn't try as hard as I do but reading your comment reminds me that as difficult it is for me, it must feel more difficult for him. We are all at different parts of our life journeys and it sounds to me you are doing your best. Best of luck to you :)

[@simmonsrenesha]

How to apologize to a dismissive avoidant after he goes silent and to don't really know what you did

[@Just...Peachy]

Amen! Haha

[@warmhart2034]

@@simmonsrenesha You didn't do anything... It just feels like U did🙃

[@JaySon2jet]

Helpful/ Thank you!