Worlds MOST AWKWARD horny Bard | r/rpghorrorstories

[@1kokokala10]

Holy shit that horny bard story went from 100 to 1000. Every single action is now soooooo much worse.

[@amitamaru]

I almost wish the last DM used the legendary resistance, if only for the Castlevania reference. "Please, this isn't a bar fight. Have some class."

[@johngleeman8347]

Strahd allowed himself to be defeated by the Johnny Cage maneuver because the masters of Domains of Dread are very, very bored, and a Three Stooges defeat is one he probably hasn't faced in centuries. XD

[@ShitpostingJoJo]

💀 I shiver in horror at the bard story, mostly because YOU'D THINK *_YOUR OWN MOTHER_* WOULD KNOW BETTER than to flirt with a character that is basically being puppeteered by HER OWN SON!! 💀💀💀 And to be so thirsty about it, JESUS. I would NOT be able to look her in the eye again after that. Let alone run a second campaign for them 🤦🏻💀

[@steveholmes11]

Sweet Home Alabama. Takes a whole new meaning.

[@Zamerus]

Yeah it sounds like the whole family are just dumb horny people except for OP. I feel bad because I even knew both meanings of mount and I still didn't think that was the raunchy one for the intended meaning

[@REfan2002]

The second story, mother was the bard.....oh god. Why would she do that!

[@AdiG1]

She could have just been _desperately_ starved of all romantic affection. It doesn't excuse the fact that she tried to vent it all out as a bard in her child's D&D game.

[@Zal-TheBug]

When your mom is 40 and heard what being “the rizzler” could be like

[@theofficerfactory2625]

Story 1: Terrible DM. DM license revoked. Story 2: WTH is wrong with OP's family?!?!?! Story 3: Did the monk punch or kick strahd?

[@darklord884]

Also, about the Strahd nutshot, am I the only one recalling a time Alucard in the Castlevania series just casually tanked a kick to the nards and was all like "Please, this isn't a barfight. Have some class!" like it didn't even tickle?

[@unluckyone1655]

Well cannonically in DnD, vampires are resistant to all physical damage including blunt damage

[@darklord884]

@@unluckyone1655 Heh. Blunt. Nice.

[@darklord884]

"...only worked on human enemies with working male anatomies..." Me: *recalls Johnny and Cassie punching women in the groin so hard their hip-bones crack*

[@TigerW0lf]

If I had nickel for every time I heard an rpg story about a mother hitting on her son, I'd have two nickels. It's not a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice.

[@darklord884]

Plus there's the dubious but potentially valid story of the guy who called his mom out and then kissed her on the lips.

[@alexsullivan323]

I say one is enough for me.

[@BlueTressym]

@@darklord884 wait, what?

[@Nyx685]

the Jocasta story? If yes, SHUDDER 🤮

[@darklord884]

@@BlueTressym Eeexactly!

[@qu1253]

Wait, hold up... *_the bard was his mother???_* Yeah okay, I think that's enough horror stories for one day.

[@cvernon5256]

Regarding that family campaign, I can understand just how Disturbed the DM would feel having their mother behave that way in front of their father and towards a character that you know they are role playing as. I'm just going to believe them in saying that their family is not normal

[@PrideOfFantasy100]

After all these stories and how prevalent dnd horror stories are now, I feel any threat of sexual violence should automatically be a massive crimson flag of war for anyone.

[@ShitpostingJoJo]

Not even a red flag anymore. Thats a straight up Black Flag 💀 with crossed bones, a skull, blood splattered all over it and everything. 🏴‍☠️🏴‍☠️🏴‍☠️🏴‍☠️

[@crispylizard4348]

I don't even play but every story like that has me screaming inside why the fuck would you think a person like thats going to be a good player.

[@7thsealord888]

Story 1 - The basic truth is that Real Life WILL sometimes intrude on the game, no matter what others may prefer. This DM was way out of line with the exhaustion point thing. The barbarian was definitely a That Guy, and there is no excuse for how the DM fiddled with the Deck. Story 2 - Ohhhhhkaaayyyyyy. Maybe not the weirdest thing ever, but arguably the weirdest thing I've heard this week. I feel for the DM, and hope he can get proper therapy after that experience. Story 3 - Actually, I love it. I might have been a bit tougher with the parameters for 'Low Blow'. But I also think the DM did right by letting the result stand instead of ruling against it, because the outcome was just too good. :)

[@kikiblair5132]

I think that DM in the bard story should really be cautious about their mom from now on.

[@ArcmageZaln]

the honry bard... just... why!? It's your SON! If nothing else do the horny to your husband... why try to do it to the NPC? if I was not already sick, I would be now.

[@unluckyone1655]

Story 1; well at least OP eventually saw the shit forest for the trees and bounced. Story 2; you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family (seriously i feel so bad for OP) Glory story; I'd say that that is the least Strahd deserves lol

[@supermarioblacktiger]

"Step bro what are you doing" minus the step is essentially the family story.

[@septixskeptix1107]

So we have a gaming group of 5 that meet every Saturday to play. Of the 5 of us, 3 of us alternate DM'ing. One of the guys when DM'ing decided to play out a scene where a hag sexually assaulted a player. He thought it was hilarious. The majority of us felt it was unnecessary. Then, one of his NPC's decided that it should be a group activity. It was the most awkward and eye rolling DND session I've ever played. I was hesitant to finish that campaign.

[@freeloader9000]

If the book series "Sin and Soil" became a D&D campaign, I know for sure Bard Mom would be all over that.

[@0culimortis]

For Story 1 I don't know if anyone else could, but did anyone else hear the sound of Freud rolling in his grave to the beat of 'Sweet Home Alabama'?

[@foisopracurtir6389]

*Story 2 & video's title

[@MWH12085]

Punching Strahd soo hard in the nuts it destroys him....as DM, I wouldn't care, I would allow that.

[@raymondharnack4160]

“Mount?” Nope…. That actually sounds like a very normal DnD party,

[@RWAsur]

Sure, if that D&D party wasn't also your family. I have some family members who would find that a funny joke, and some who wouldn't, but probably not the entire family and both parents sexualizing something with their child. Yeesh

[@NemoThundersong]

Some cards in fact do not disappear after they are drawn. We learned this when I drew 8 times from the deck and got the sun twice. How ever if they were drawing at the same time it should not have been possible too get the same card.

[@DM_it_All]

All cards from a deck of many things return to the pile with the exception of fool and jester.

[@brianvance1178]

I agree with the title of the glory story, Johnny Cage would have been proud of that Monk

[@SNDurgon]

Those were 500 dollar sunglasses, a**h*le

[@KatarnandKanos]

Both characters could have drawn skull, only certain cards are gone from the deck after drawing: Once a card is drawn, it fades from existence. Unless the card is the Fool or the Jester, the card reappears in the deck, making it possible to draw the same card twice.

[@marybdrake1472]

I would have just left at the permeant exhaustion with no secondary outcome. If a DM is will to go that far over something that is unavoidable at times shows that they are not a good DM.

[@iank472]

As someone currently running a modified Curse of Strahd campaign I can only hope it ends as incredibly as that last story!

[@davidtherwhanger6795]

I hear you. That was quite possibly the most epic ending I have ever heard for CoS.

[@RequiemWraith]

The deck of many things have two variants. The first is, as you correctly say, the card disappears upon being drawn, so the deck eventually exhausts. The second is that once a card is drawn and the effect happens, the card returns to the deck, and so the deck exists in perpetuity

[@jacksparrowismydaddy]

lol harming a kid is the best way to get a hit on you from the street community in one of my cities. they will turn on the murderhobo and set a violent end on them.

[@itsyaboiChubbs]

You know, if I had a nickel for every time I heard about a vampire getting hit in the nuts, I would have three nickels, which isn't alot but weird that it happened thrice

[@jfangm]

On the last story: Sometimes mechanics and rules need to take a backseat to fun. In my friend's homebrew DnD campaign, I once shouted "run kitty, run" at his stepson's moronic Tabaxi Fighter, who was doing something dumb (again), despite it being far enough away that he barely heard it. Everyone had a laugh and it stuck out as a high point in what became a doomed campaign.

[@RWAsur]

Props to the DM of the horny bard story, of all of these D&D stories Doge reads, this is the one that got the best reaction out of me and I think it was because of how well they concealed the plot twist of the bard player being their mom until the end. There may be more 'awful' stories to react viscerally to, but this one was the one that was the best told imo.

[@SamWeltzin]

That last story is hilarious.

[@gyrozeppeli3493]

GOD DAMN! That is the craziest plot twist

[@pulsefel9210]

he gave so many restrictions to the ability you KNEW it was meant for that and that alone

[@GreatestRedPanda]

The reveal of the mother was priceless. But I have To admit I got caught on the looting chests part. What is it with DMs and the antagony towards detect magic and using it properly? If a player uses detect magic, they can see all Items in the area that are magical. They could not possibly have missed that the ruby was a magic item unless the DM deliberately chose to hide information the spell would reveal. It's like DMs have an aversion to the spell and once cast they will do everything in their power to avoid providing the basic information the spell is supposed to reveal. At least that has been my experience with it atleast

[@mikarimex1055]

This story went for 100 to 1000 with the family twist

[@KHFMcAwesome]

This is why you always ALWAYS homebrew an “Anti-Horny Spray” item when playing with a Bard on the team! 😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜

[@jacksparrowismydaddy]

**really hopes this isn't a story about me** awkward is kinda my thing... I'd say 50/50 chance edit: oh thank god

[@rootfish2671]

If my mom did that to me in a game I would just start screaming until I die

[@JacobL228]

Well, that guy's parents are either headed for a divorce, or there's something seriously wrong with both of them. I hope he doesn't end up needing therapy after all this.

[@solarchos4352]

20:00 - ...FINISH HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *uppercuts Strahd off the top of that ONE CERTAIN TOWER in Castle Ravenloft that's basically a chimney almost 200 feet high and show the livestream of Strahd flailing and wailing as he falls All The Way Down...onto a a few hundred sharpened wooden stakes that were conveniently placed. * WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "Low-Blow wins. _FaTaLiTy_ "

[@vegetin01]

After watching the back catalogue of Doge and Drake I thought I couldn’t be cringed that hard any more. But man, that was the highest cringe plot twist I’ve ever heard.

[@PhilS0341]

Strahd campaign at the end: Be a dick. It's canon. Crushing your players' hopes and dreams is what CoS is all about. Let them laugh and ham it up for a bit. Then end them. If that monk had used that ability before, Strahd would know about it, use his legendary resistance, roleplay being affected by it, and when the players were busy laughing, have Strahd grab the monk and chuck him out a window of Castle Ravenloft.

[@SinnerChrono]

Lol my parents are almost 70 and my grandparents are now all but one deceased. I cant imagine any of them wanting to play dnd with me even 20 years ago. Lol.

[@alkhemi8175]

Glory story Friday!

[@raymondharnack4160]

I would say vampires don’t have working anatomy

[@SmashingJack]

the reveal on #2 noooo lmao

[@Random_Chiroptera]

Today, I fear I've made a minmaxed ranger, using a Lizardfolk with Outlander background. 3 languages, and 7 skill proficiencies at level 1. Charisma is dump stat. Minmaxed stealthy scout/tracker/hunter. Anyone need a player to play a secret ally for their party? I will not do a Smeagle voice, but I can promise complaints if you cook the rabbit.

[@adamtifone9243]

With the wish spell have the wish backfire Like have the wish happen but also have something bad happened

[@DisneyChar]

Nope, permanent debuffs that persist through new characters for as long as you play at his table. Even changed that level of malicious AH would have ended the game for me. What would happen if you missed more games? Your character is just perma dead and you never play again but are still expected at the table. Your first instinct was right, run.

[@DemolitionboyXX]

Keeping it in the family, eh?

[@ClipperHorizon]

If your players legitimately get that one-in-a-million lucky shot on the BBEG - I cannot stress this enough - LET THEM HAVE IT. So what if the campaign ends on a note of hilarious anti-climax? So what if you don't get to use half the BBEG's special skills? They won't remember any of that in a month. But they will remember for YEARS the glorious moment when they defeated Strahd with a nut-shot. They will tell and retell the story with joy in their whole being and while you may sigh over your wrecked boss fight, remember that THEY HAD SO MUCH FUN. Now, I'm not saying you need to let your players walk all over you or get away with all the silly hijinks they try, but when the dice gods smile and that last ditch nat 20 or hilarious nat 1 hits the table, GO WITH IT. Because those are the moments you will all remember and look back fondly on for years to come. Let them enjoy their crits!

[@NeoVault_]

*Sweet home Alabama starts playing with the bard story.*

[@alexandramusilova8148]

Strahd is a vampire so his creature type is undead, not humanoid. At least I'm pretty sure that's the case?

[@vortega472]

Sweet little Ziggy, you deserve 40,000 subscribers for that clip Doge. Once again, it seems Curse of Strahd is a constant source of cringe - why is that?

[@Shishio287]

Strahd got caged!

[@remarit]

WHAT A TWIST!!! AHAHAHHA i died!!! im glad i saw this video HAHAHAHHA

[@AmaryInkawult]

Hoooo my gawd that was a twist

[@l0stndamned]

That bard sounds like one of those bad shipping fanfics that give fanfics such a bad name

[@RioDrake]

THAT'S MY CURSE! I DON'T KNOW YOU!

[@Wintermute01001]

16:24 What a tweest!

[@Klaital1]

I feel like the DM made that horny bard situation far worse than it needed to be, he could have just said 'ok you do it, ftb.' and that would probably have been the end of it.

[@ArcCaravan]

I don't trust those kinds of players to be satisfied.

[@ShiKageMaru]

These OPs are like chronically addicted to not defending themselves. Permanent exhaustion points for having a life? No. Giving you the wrong card in the Deck of Many Things? No. People need to learn the words "go fuck yourself." And did OP of story 1 even say anything at all? It doesn't seem like they actually did.

[@ss3nm0dn4r8]

Its almost like people who play D&D and get into bad horror games are socially awkward

[@ganmerlad]

If having an 'evil' character means the player has a license to try to freak/disgust/trigger everyone else by being as sexually/emotionally/physically depraved and abusive as possible -- I would refuse to play with evil characters. I'm not ok with that. I play a lot of violent video games (I'm replaying Fallout New Vegas right now), but none of them go into details about r**es or torture sessions. I'd be pissed having to listen to some sociopath regale us with their sick fantasies IRL because "it's what my character would do". That kind of twisted 'role play' should always be automatically disallowed unless the DM lets players clearly know up front there are no limits or the group unanimously oks it. I don't even want to listen to ERP, to be honest. I don't want to listen to people pretending to have sex...unless they have a hell of a way with words. Blurgh. --- For the family TTRPG game, it's clear nobody but the DM was taking it seriously and the others were messing with the DM every chance they got. Lol.

[@Nyx685]

NUT SHOT!

[@ShyBiiteVT]

The only way that glory story could've been made better was if the monk character was female. Imagine instead of Johnny Cage's low blow, it was his daughter Cassie's.

[@mrosskne]

why did the sorcerer have the paladin's sword???

[@aisnota5192]

I had a dollar for every Shina Inu KZbinr I would have two dollars.

[@archam777]

If your not willing to give a player the wish card "because it will break your game" then you shouldnt be letting them pull from the Deck of Many Things. DM was sh!t

[@CallMeKes]

I love you Doge! I love your kitties! Please give Alice some special girl pets for me?! Edit: Wait, am I first?? Wow!

[@BiigBean]

16:36 😨😨😨

[@TrixyTrixter]

On the cards. Most cards do not disapear onky a certain few do.

[@Infidel_Supreme7]

PLEASE COVER THE BROTHER HORROR STORY

[@JSRLPadre]

As far as I'm concerned, the tale of Verity and Bone is a freakin Glory Story. Family drama be darned. 😂

[@ArcCaravan]

I wouldn't call a mother using her child's gane to fulfill sexual fantasies in front of their family a glory story. No more than any DMPC or murder hobo beating the party.

[@ShadowsOfEssence]

The 2nd story sounds made up. First off, a lot of the game issues brought had nothing to do with the bard's desires. In fact it calls out the sorcerer as the problem player. Second, I've never met and entire family that plays together like that. Third, even if the mother didn't see and issue, the rest of the family would. The style it was written in also leads me to belive it was made up.

[@5cream5]

not warriorcats ;-;

[@seanegbert1020]

Wild

[@rynowatcher]

1st one; I do not think the deck of many things is that bad. The dm might have miscounted. The player looking up the card crosses a line for me; like looking up a monster stat block you are fighting. Op kind of self regulated as the person who suffered from the cheating was the cheater.

[@rynowatcher]

Horns bard story: I do not think that the character being your mom makes it a "horror story," but I can see why op did not want to go there. Your mom is a person too and she has desires of carnal; it is just a game. It is comically immature to call that a horror.

[@draconicfeline6177]

WITH HER SONS NPC AFTER HE SAID NO MANY TIMES

[@rynowatcher]

@@draconicfeline6177 OP never says they asked their mother to stop, in or out of game. Read it again; the view is clear because op is telling the reader their thoughts, not their actions or statements. Common thing in horror stories: op expects everyone to read their mind. Getting skeeved out that your mother has desires is very immature. They were not doing erp; this was her hitting on an npc (probably for the pun of boning a character named Bone). If anything I find op a bit pervy because they are associating role play with sex.

[@ArcCaravan]

Saying "it's just a game" doesn't automatically make forcing sexual desires is okay. The mother should realized it's wrong to force fetishes during family time.

[@rynowatcher]

@@ArcCaravan depends on thd group. OP never says he was not banging dancing girls every down time; he is just sleeved out his mom likes sex. She is not doing anything pg-13 in this story.

[@robertwildschwein7207]

third