Reading my teenage diaries - as an autistic adult

Reading my teenage diaries was quite the illuminating exercise. I thought it would be a fun idea for a video to look back at a randomly selected diary from my teenage years (when I was living with undiagnosed autism, among other things) and see if I could detect any signs of autism that were missed back then.
Oh boy, there were plenty! I kept diaries from about the age of 11, and believe me, the video would have been a LOT longer had I included everything! Growing up with undiagnosed autism clearly took its toll on my mental health at the time, and although I am much happier today, my wish is that no one else ever has to go through what I did.
Trigger warning: frank discussion of teenage mental health, suicidal thoughts, disordered eating, and more.
Making this video was actually quite hard - to film and to edit, but I found it rather therapeutic in the end, to release all the pain that 16 year old Sam had bottled up inside.
What I didn't expect was that it often felt like I was reading the diary of a completely different person (which was a relief I suppose!) and instead of cringing at myself, I just felt compassion for the person I used to be.
---
Credits where credit's due:
Greta Sting Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
creativecommons.org/licenses/b...
This video idea was partly inspired by Mortified: getmortified.com/

[@YoSamdySam]

Please let me know I'm not alone and share something cringey that you did as a teen...

[@fleurboisvert8816]

Ah I'm 20 so I'll sure be able to remember some stuff😁, I've just started watching.

[@YoSamdySam]

@@fleurboisvert8816 Bahaha I should hope so! Over a decade of trying to forget this stuff and then I bring it up intentionally ;) oops

[@MsHeartIsArt]

First of all, you are an excellent speaker, very eloquent and pleasant to listen to and watch. Keep it up! As for something cringey from my high school years is probably that for my high school I won the “most gullible” award. They picked a guy too. But I didn’t like that at all, that definitely wouldn’t be allowed today. Lmao

[@niebieskimotyl3308]

It's so much needed to share teenage thoughts now when we're adults. As a teenager I was drawing naked people, I was just obsessed with human body, not in a sexual way, just how does it works

[@Jupperna]

It all sounds just like my diary, constant attempt at self-improvement, love-obsession, feelings all over the place, dark thoughts and suicidal ideation, trying to control my eating patterns, knowing a lot (more than teachers could handle)... except friendship didn't get a lot of attention from me,. And no fan of Buffy but of Charmed. All very intense, all quite sad when I re-read it. But I have no idea how 'cringy' feels so I can't answer you XD

[@terig8974]

This isn't the first time I heard an autistic person bring up the fact that they quickly become obsessed with a person to whom they feel a connection. I think this occurs due to the fact that it's so rare to feel any sort of common connection with anyone at all that when you do feel like someone might get you, it feels like you've discovered the meaning of life and you have to hold on to that with all you've got.

[@laughatdarkness1286]

I’m 21 and every day my mood changes from “everything is terrble Im the worst” to “yo Im amazing everyone else just sucks”

[@doggiedarko0_081]

LaughAtDarkness I am 22 and I feel the same way! It’s exhausting hah

[@Ryu-wd7bw]

Yeah same 😔

[@sheatiller2465]

Same

[@r.m.l.5487]

I am 26 and I still have this :/

[@kathybramley5609]

I'm 45 and still there. Though I have lots going on.

[@rorscach1]

I threw away all my old journal writings. They made me feel sad. I didn't want to look back at my depressive years, I wanted all those feelings behind me. Now that I am older and learning about Aspergers, I wish I could reflect and identify the characteristics.

[@jacintagundrum2159]

I’m seriously mind blown by how relatable this was.

[@catz537]

The part you said about being a "new soul" intrigues me, because I have always thought of myself as an old soul. And I am also autistic. My grandma always called me an old soul, from the moment I was born, as if I had this internal wisdom, sixth sense, intuition, or past life...whatever you want to call it, she saw a wisdom in me that most people don't have from a young age. And I still have that wisdom today, and it's a huge confidence booster. I wonder now if it is somehow related to autism, like we may know things other people don't, because of the way our brains work. Like you've said in your previous videos, a "superpower." It's a nice thought, and I truly believe there is some truth to it.

[@Bonefield]

I'm not sure if this is alexithymia or autism or the combination of both but the way you describe the discovery of feelings, wondering if it was love or not, trying to figure out why this person would trigger this rather than someone else, thinking of ways to be worthy, leading to dark places and everything else you describe, is the very first time I hear someone describing exactly how it is. At least I know it's not just me so thank you very much for sharing about it. You are probably already aware but just in case, obsessing over people is a trait of PDA profile of autism. Again thanks for sharing.

[@YoSamdySam]

Thanks for commenting - it has been very good to know that these thoughts I had were not just me!

[@alexac5001]

What is PDA?

[@bucket6487]

@@alexac5001 Pathalogical demand avoidance, it's a specific autistic profile (one way autism presents itself in people).

[@TheCloverAffiliate12]

Thank you so much for this comment thread. I was particularly stunned when I got to that point of the video, as I've definitely had this happen to me. I will most definitely be looking into the PDA profile now.

[@p65rcfz28]

I prefer a neurodiversity affirming rewording : Persistent Drive for Autonomy 🧠💪🏻

[@electrapoptart]

I relate to a lot of this, particularly the obsessing over people part. I've been learning a lot about attachment theory in the last year and this feeling of being infatuated with a person to the point of feeling destabilized is called limerance. It develops from having deeply unmet needs and/or seeing traits in a person that you feel you are lacking. I struggled with this through high school and college and I agree it absolutely sucks. I am sure I could have had a much easier time with school and work if I didn't have this, but I saw no way to deal with it effectively. Now that I understand it better I can have more compassion for myself and take better care of my needs

[@Mr-qt4xr]

Thats actually really fascinating. I also really suffered with this school and college thanks for the information.

[@fleurboisvert8816]

Ahh yes executive functioning issues if you anything like me on top of it you added the pressure of "if I fail it's the end of the world and I should just self-destruct" on top. Extremes thinking sometimes great sometimes a nightmare.

[@anaa7303]

OMG Only 5 minutes in the video and it feels like my own diary (except that I was so much harder on myself) and I AM SURE I QUOTED THE SAME THING AT SOME POINT! I was obsessed with Buffy ahaha best show. I haven't been diagnosed so I'm still lost but thanks for your videos, it's giving me some insight for me. (Also afraid to ask for an assessment and then be told I'm not and be even more confused because I obviously have something but don't know what and have been through many possible diagnosis) EDIT: Now that I have finished the video, well, my old diaries are filled with the same stuff tbh. I am definitely happier with my life (I do not hate myself like that anymore), I had those mood swings too which made me think I either had BPD or Bipolar. It's kinda nice to know other people went through the same so thank you for sharing this!

[@YoSamdySam]

Thank you for watching and leaving a comment. I hope you get the answers you need. I think Buffy fans might be higher than average autistic/neurodivergent personally 😄

[@kalebdaark100]

@@YoSamdySam , possibly but more likely Buffy fans are just generally cooler. :-))

[@Cyanmoon1]

I have had obsessions with various people throughout my life, from the time I was in primary school. Always with people I only know marginally, like friends' parents (as a child) or, more recently, colleagues/coworkers. This is not at all an attraction thing, but a kind of inexplicable fascination to know more about their life. I have not figured out how to predict who will spark this in me and who will not, although I think it happens more with people who are kind or go out of their way for me somehow. If I go on to become closer/friendly with the person, the obsession fades. This tendency has always struck me as really strange, and I do wish I didn't have it... maybe because I feel the object of my (undisclosed!) interest would feel uncomfortable if they knew, or because I am always low-key worried I'm telegraphing weirdness when I'm around them. Haven't learned how to keep it from happening, though :-/

[@reveluvreveluv7257]

Cyanmoon1 it’s really reassuring to know other people experience this too! Especially the losing interest when you get closer to them!

[@pawel198812]

How is it different from "normal" infatuations then? I kinda always associatedf the whole falling-in-love experience with fascination/obsession that makes you fantasize and occasionally write crappy poetry (that looks like antiaesthetical abuse of all art).

[@Alex-gz2no]

As a teen I was unable to articulate the feelings or thoughts going on inside me, so I wasn't a diary kind of person. But looking back now, when hearing what you wrote in your diaries, I've got to say that those words could have been mine, too... The self-loathing was a big problem and still is in some ways. So I still have stuff to deal with from the past. But at least I can articulate that now! Although I actually had to cry a little bit while watching the video, it feels quite nice to not be the only one struggling in that way and to see that there is hope that it'll get better.

[@fleurboisvert8816]

Ah yes that thing about looking like you don't want to be there, facial flat affect and all. Also get "you look grumpy" type stuff.

[@ruru1824]

Misty River oh my god I get this so much

[@hightalk]

I strongly relate to this video and your reaction to your past self is actually really cathartic for me. It's sad to look back and remember just how intensely I hated myself as a teenager. I am 32 and have only recently come to the realization that I am autistic. My 20s were also very hard and the self-hate only intensified during this time. I've struggled with disordered eating and poor body image my entire life. I always thought that if I was just thin enough, it would make me "acceptable" and worthy as a person. I have felt like a freak/weirdo/loser/idiot/failure etc my entire life. I obsessed over figuring out what was so "wrong" with me. I developed a very unhealthy dependence on alcohol to cope with social situations and stimulating environments. All I have ever wanted was to be normal and I hated myself for my constant failure to be. Finally, everything has fit into place. I get it, now. When this realization first hit me, I experienced an inner stillness, quiet, and calm for a few secons that I have never felt before (my mind is constantly going on and off about something -- I also really liked your interpretation of words/phrases/sounds/songs repeating in your head as being a mental stim.) Thank you for your channel, its helping me so much with learning about and accepting myself. Also I think it's really cool that you seem to enjoy pink a lot since it's one of my "things" as well! 🌸🌸🌸

[@YoSamdySam]

Thank you, I'm so glad you liked this video!

[@Seal0626]

And yet, there are people who insist that we don't need "labels" and they'll only make it worse.

[@r.m.l.5487]

@@Seal0626 My old therapist said this.... which is why I am only now getting my diagnosis at 26 and got stuck masking 5 more years in an abusive relationship (I got out thank god). I feel like I lost c.a. 12 years of my life masking, but I feel things will get better now. At least all my life makes sense now I know I am autistic and it's nice to see people have felt/are feeling the same even if that means we've all felt like shite.

[@thevirtualjim]

"detect any signs if i was autistic in them" - reminds me of when i was 8 and I had an analysis by the school psychologist (1980). I have a copy of it now and it has suggestions that were never followed. But if you read it now, its like 'oh yea this kid is totally on the spectrum!'

[@phoebelianna7226]

This was mildly painful for me to watch, because I relate to everything you said! From about 15-18 I had two instances of becoming obsessive over a person. I was so wildly confused because I thought it was love but really it wasn’t. I NEEDED to constantly be in the presence of these people, and if I weren’t I was obsessively thinking of them. I’d be thrown into depressive states if they canceled plans with me, or chose to spend time with someone else. It kind of destroyed me. I thought it was okay though because I ‘loved’ them. I’ve finally made peace with the whole situation at 25, but I’m so scared it will happen again.

[@faithlawes4240]

This is so helpful for me and gives me a lot of hope. I’m currently 18 and can see a similar trend within my own journals to the things you describe in yours. 💓

[@YoSamdySam]

I'm so glad it has given you hope. Like I said, me at that age could never have seen the person I would become. Be true to yourself and surround yourself with good, kind people, and life will get easier.

[@charlimorris1545]

I relate to the part with the repeating the phrase. Before I go to sleep and I go into stressful situations I learn all the lyrics to a song and play it over and over again in my head. I don't know why but it is strangely comforting.

[@rorscach1]

Often times I have a song in my head on loop, especially before going to sleep. I think it helps keep my mind clear.

[@annjay2581]

This was hilarious and extremely relatable at the same time! 😂 I literally burned all of my diaries because I was cringing so hard when I was reading them omg

[@hightalk]

HA! I preformed a few diary burning rituals too. I hated myself and this was my way of erasing who I used to be with the intent of reinventing myself and succeeding in life.

[@philipblundell9256]

Yo Samdy Sam I love you. For everything inside this video that I can just about relate to everything you cover in less than 30 minutes, I even had to step away halfway through because I was welling up inside. I love you even more for making feel that I truly wasn't the only person that this was happening to (at the time I was 19 to 26) but things have got better (touch wood) and that I can look forward even more :) luv u.

[@YoSamdySam]

Thank you for the outpouring of love. It means a lot to me also that this wasn't such an uncommon experience (this was definitely my most terrifying video to date...) THIS is what motivates me, to reach others who feel alone, different without knowing why, and to even help just one person would make me happy.

[@hoursandhours8204]

I’ve just recently come to understand that I am autistic (I’m 28) and it’s very difficult for me to accept. I am very grateful for you sharing this insight into your past because I felt this way very often during that time in my life as well. It feels healing to know that this isn’t how everyone thinks but it is how other autistic women tend to feel. Particularly the suicidal part. I thought I was just depressed but there’s something so fundamentally crushing about always feeling like you’re missing something without an answer. Thank you for this playlist. I’m going to watch them all. So much about you sharing is helping me. Thank you thank you

[@orth82]

The way your teen self wrote was exactly the way mine did too. It was so touching when you teared up and empathized with your younger self.

[@Amara262]

I know this video is 2 years old, but I feel like you are reading my diary outloud. It's so incredibly validating to know that I am not the only one who felt this way. I am not diagnosed autistic, but I have an appointment with my family doctor to discuss getting assessed. I just stumbled on your KZbin and it's been so incredibly helpful and validating. Thank you so much!!

[@Amara262]

@@phoxxy2516 I was told it would cost over $4,000 out of pocket to get assessed, and there is no supports for autistic adults where I live, so I'd only be paying for the validation. I have since gotten a formal ADHD diagnosis (that only cost $300), which has been helpful to a degree. I've found a lot of support and validation within the autistic community.

[@fleurboisvert8816]

My first explanation for why I was different was that I was a goth 🤷🏻‍♀️, goths often describe themselves as eccentric amongst other things and it makes me wonder how many them might be ND.

[@YoSamdySam]

I thought I was a witch! 😂

[@fleurboisvert8816]

@@YoSamdySam That's pretty reasonable seeing as some pagans considered themselves witches more or less seriously.

[@VivekaAlaya]

goth here 2, for 3 years. but before that i really tried hard to be a coll tomboy skateborder, didnt work for me haha

[@Leanimal]

I was writing about suicide in my journals at age twelve. I wish I could have given myself the support I needed.

[@amberevol]

it's so similar to the things I wrote. I love and hate reading my journal but they remind me of my progress and it gives me hope. as sad as I get sometimes, I'm doing so much better than when I was a kid. 💜 edit: a cringey thing I did was lie in my journals! they're so ridiculous and obvious and anyone would know they are lies. but I was pretending even for myself. I felt if anyone ever found my journals, they would at least think some cool things happened to me or like I was cool or something lol I became more honest in my writing as I got older, 18+. but I think it was partially just submersing myself in a fantasy of living what I imagined to be a normal life.

[@cassidylhd]

The lying to yourself just in case someone read it! Every day I learn that nothing I have ever done is unique :')

[@bunkayke2554]

That sense of always knowning something was different about you and your brain and jumping from mental disorder to mental disorder trying to find the right term Oof that hits Luckily when you do find out who you are it's SUCH a relief and pride and self love boost You opened my eyes and I'll always be so thankful to you for that💕

[@daffodild813]

"'You're only 16 once.' Thank god for that!" 😂rolling on the floor laughing at this

[@JaylukKhan]

That ear worm thing! Around the time of my diagnosis I got really into Community (a great show for autistic people btw) and the phrase "you mean CHANG the subject" replayed over and over in my head for like a week or something.

[@sugoiharris1348]

Love Community. I’m rewatching right now.

[@schwarzeseis4031]

4:45 Here's another quote: "The universe hates you. Deal with it." (Harper, from "Andromeda") Made sense to me immediately, because thermodynamics says that everything is going to die, but as a living being, it is your select task to live on. In my own words (from a diary long lost): "Life is a struggle between will and reality."

[@flam_buoy]

Jesus Christ, this is so relatable it made me cry a bit! My teenage/early twenties were SO similar. Obsessing over a person for years, because I felt a tinge of connection. Printing out song lyrics and reading about my favourite band for hours. Making resolutions, counting calories, dreaming about suicide. Playing the sims and trying to encourage myself to go outside and act like a normal teenager. Also, being absolutely shitty at small talk and having a clear realisation (at the age of 16) that world is not a movie and I need to smile at people, so they’ll like me. And reading The Bell Jar and being completely devastated. I thought I had bpd as well, or that I was just being melodramatic on purpose. Well, as it turns out, I have adhd and I am also autistic and got diagnosed at the age of 32. I tend to joke about my past, but when I get I closer look, I see that it was an extremely turbulent and horrible time.

[@Seal0626]

I find it really, really disconcerting how many of the sentiments you express, and experiences you relate, are exactly identical to my own. Including hating and berating myself for being too weak to starve myself - I saw it as absolutely a personality flaw that I couldn't stick to a resolve of not eating until I stopped being so fat, which of course could only have been because I was lazy and greedy and nothing to do with unrealistic expectations of what a body should be/look like or as yet undiagnosed PCOS. I know other autistic people deviate from the neurotypical in the same broad categories as I do, but of the autistic people I know, most are different in related but different ways. We're more similar to each other than we are to the norm, but in specific details, often very different. Your videos actually make me feel like there is a type into which I fit in pretty much every way. Like there's a whole hidden tribe of us who can be grouped under a title other than "miscellaneous".

[@YoSamdySam]

I have had so much feedback like this since starting my channel that I am thinking about coining the "Yo Samdy Sam" autism subtype 😂 I used to think I was very unique... Now not so much

[@justasomeone7860]

Lol, "medium talk" - I love that :D

[@Susannamf]

I've watched this twice now and feel so happy that you (and I) can laugh at parts of it, but I also recognise so much of my own experience in there. Thanks for making the video 💕

[@karagariglio4013]

I feel like I'm watching myself. YOU ARE ME.

[@Restingmadface]

Same...

[@xSplatterPaintx]

Hearing your story and journal entries is like hearing my own, even including the undiagnosed PCOS. Your videos are immensely valuable to me. Thank you so much for sharing.

[@thirtycats]

This is VERY relatable. A few years ago, I read my teen/young adult diaries, and I wrote blog posts about them. I saw signs of BPD. Like you, I didn't attempt suicide or do self-harm, but there was depression, obsession with people, suicide ideation, mood changes, advice to myself, etc. I actually mention autism in one of the college diaries...in a very negative way. We had watched old home movies, and I (college-aged me) was pretty much disgusted with my child/tween self and I mentioned that I acted autistic. I'm wondering if journaling is common among Autistic people and if...also going back and reading the diaries...and making them public in some form.

[@Much0Mang0]

I have to wonder how much the 'new soul' bit was inspired by phoebe telling joey that he's 'brand new'

[@tmark1976]

Thank you for sharing your experiences as a teen. I had similar thoughts as a teen as well. I am in the process of getting diagnosed with autism. I imagined relationships that were not there. I had problems with friends. and just generally was a really anxious and depressed kid. What kept me going was the idea that I was "gonnna get out of this town" and "make something of myself". I can also laugh about it now.

[@BagenB00]

Thank you for being so open and helping me understand autism better. Its very relatable to hear someone talking so openly about depression and suicide

[@karowolkenschaufler7659]

I analysed "bad religion" lyrics... and I absolutely recognise the thought of "I'll just be an actress." because I felt that I was acting all the time anyways and nobody knew my true self. that I was constantly just finding the version of myself that a certain person wanted to see or that fit into a certain cotext and then perform that version of myself.

[@ashleyhawkeswatercolor]

I’m going to go read my old journals. I identified with SO much of this!!. I do not yet have a diagnosis but Autism keeps coming up in therapy so I’ve been on this path. Enjoying your channel so much. ❤

[@Restingmadface]

Literally have the same themes and patterns in my own journals growing up...even in elementary school. ☹️ Im glad i was never diagnosed with anything though. They probably would have misdiagnosed me and i would have been even more confused and angry at myself as before. At least now i feel comfortable in who i know i am.

[@luisagodoy1845]

my teenage journals are SO much alike... the resolutions, the rumination about not being spontaneous like I thought everyone was... wow that really adeed an extra point in my self diagnosed autism

[@Raediamoon]

my journals are very similar. I mainly kept them from 13 to 15 and it was wild. constant ups and downs everyday. I am diagnosed with BPD and I'm seeking out an autism diagnosis. At 27 I find that the intensity of my emotions has evened out a bit, but I still find life as an adult much harder than when I was a kid. I still struggle with thoughts of wanting to die. Less because of my emotions like when I was a teen, but now it just feels too hard. I dont understand why so much effort has to go in to just existing. I'm tired.

[@83lulube]

Do you also have ADHD? I procrastinate SO BADLY. I have it, but I also suspect I have ASD. Overly-sensitive about everything, very good at hyperfocusing on everything but what I need to be doing, almost like I'm obsessive. I also struggle with the of "excitement". I often verbalized excitement as a child and I still do this. If I don't,I either appear disinterested or like I don't care which is often far from the truth. I feel excitement, I just can't express it. Okay, so you just said you THINK ADHD. You say your executive functioning is pretty bad. So is mine, you describe me to the T. Although, I can dance spontaneously, lol. It's called Executive Function Disorder. The struggle you feel is real lol. I do exhibit some ASD traits. I have poor eye contact and very poor fine motor skills. I hurt myself and others on accident all the time. Lol. I am overly-imaginative at times, yet hardly imaginative at other times. It's so frustrating. I'm so glad to know I'm not alone. I'm a square peg trying to fit into a round hole, but there's other's trying to do the same. I think I'm learning how to mask better as an adult.

[@tanimoto86]

This really sounds like me as a teenager a lot. Especially the obsession about certain people. I would do it almost to a degree that would be stalking. I also self-diagnosed myself with Borderline when I was about 12, got diagnosed with Asperger's this year. Thank you so much for sharing this, I felt like a creep for most of my life and this just shows me that I'm not alone

[@yadirmora]

thanks for sharing something so personal! this felt really theraputic somehow. I don't have any diaries or anything from my childhood/teen years but it's so refreshing to hear someone reflect on their past self with that mixture of perspective and compassion.

[@courtneyatchley736]

This was a hard one to watch but a great one! Like looking into a mirror, we had SUCH similar teenage years. I’m 32 and just found out I’m autistic.

[@katie1068]

I'm 30, and these could have been my diaries tbh.. Only just exploring the idea of autism. Thank you for reading this

[@Nara-ve2is]

Your channel is amazing and I relate so much to your experiences that you've shared in so many videos. So thank you x

[@noor-5187]

I find it brave of u to make this video. I imagine that it wasn't easy, so thank u for helping us trough this. I'm 30 so more or less your age. I recognised myself in the type of relationship you seem to have with your teenage-self. I found myself feeling those old feelings again while watching this video. Intense but interesting to revaluate that whole period with the perspective of autism. I'm somehow so relieved that period is over. I still find life hard, but damn being 16,17... wow. Haha let's all be proud of ourself for going trough that and surviving it. 💪

[@arkieologist]

Amen! 👏

[@randomaccessmemories8912]

This is so weird. I’ve been having severe health issues the past few years and the doctors can’t figure it out and I’ve been thinking about maybe having undiagnosed celiac disease and i have adhd and pcos diagnosed but speculating autism and I relate to you so much!! Our journals sound very similar very intense ups and downs and the low self esteem and constant thoughts about not wanting to be alive. I relate to you a lot, anyway. Thanks for the video

[@amberevol]

thank you so much for making all these videos. finding you has literally been like turning a light on. I've been looking for answers for years and your explanations and anecdotes makes so much sense. we are very similar. I really appreciate your efforts making these videos and sharing your story. it's really encouraging. they all make me cry and give me hope. you are a wonderful person. 💜

[@baileyjones7570]

Thanks for sharing all that. I can't say my middle/high school years were all that bad (I'm 21 now, it's still pretty fresh in my memory)---like, I don't think I was ever bullied, but I know that I was always so frustrated at how quiet I was, which always left me at a distance from everyone else, and I still keep telling myself to be more open and share more of myself with the people I'm around everyday. I could go an entire day at school not speaking a word to anyone, because there wasn't really anyone I could talk to. The only people I was able to talk to were kids that I know now as autistic or ADHD (all my "best friends" throughout school that I can think of were soooo ADHD). Those were the only people I felt "normal" around; everyone else made me feel just embarrassed at myself. I used to think (being the teenager i was) that it was because I was normal in comparison to the weird kids, but now I can see that I absolutely was one of the weird kids, I just kept denying it and thinking I would miraculously change next semester or next year. I'm pretty ashamed of how I thought about some of my neurodivergent classmates. I would have had such a better experience if I had tried to be friends with them instead of clinging to the friend group of this guy I had a crush on. I've never had suicidal thoughts or major depression, but I have developed a lot of anxiety, especially about stimming. I had four panic attacks in one week last May and a burnout to go with it; I still don't really know why, it's confusing (alexithymia?), but all I know is that it's not happening now, so I must have done something right in taking a gap year. 😅

[@drawingsbydave7794]

Thank you for this, I really needed this as it’s been a tough week. I didn’t get to see my usual nice doctor whenI went to take the big step of pursuing my diagnosis. The doctor was reluctant to begin anything and just wanted to prescribe anti depressants. Plus in the last hour I was watching a live stream of some motor racing which I love, but I could not disable the live stream of comments. And it just so happened somebody made a joke about an autistic child and I leapt in to full on keyboard warrior mode!! Again I relate to a great many of your inner processes you read in your diary, I wish you much peace to you and your family and keep posting your awesome videos x

[@theoldaccountthatiusedtous6767]

Many things you share here resonate so much with my experience. Really specific things, too. I wanted to be an actress and was so shy but did participate in some plays, and my resolutions were very similar. Another thing I did, was imagine that I was disappointing the version of me before I was born who was just waiting to be born and going to live life to the fullest, and I felt I was failing her because my anxiety was getting in the way, but I didn't know how to deal with it except be harder on myself... which I know now isn't the answer - the answer was self-compassion and therapy.

[@CaitlinPeacock]

I have always had the same negative voice in my head telling me I'm terrible and stupid and something is wrong with me. I like what you said about not knowing anything about procedure, I think about it as taking a test without having studied. I wish I had insight into my own thoughts and feelings at that age as you did.

[@rachelweisz861]

Thanks so much for sharing! Definitely can relate.

[@Andrewmarkbaker]

Important and generous sharing. Thank you.

[@ididntwanta2partname424]

So many things you say resonate with me, please keep making videos you are so articulate

[@lawrence_ellis]

I really appreciate your videos. Thank you so, so much. I also spent a lot of time journaling and I relate to this a lot.

[@bean4513]

watching this I didn't know whether to laugh or cry because I had almost the exact same experience aged 16-18: self-hatred, lack of social skills, procrastination, obsession with Buffy and Sylvia Plath lmao. I'm 22 now and although I managed to achieve stuff teenage me never thought I could (making new friends, getting a boyfriend etc) I still sometimes feel stuck in this mindset of my college years. I'm not diagnosed with anything but watching this channel has deffo made me consider going to get a diagnosis for aspergers or at least anxiety

[@DorianAronson]

Hi Sam, I am back to listen and learn. Thank you for explaining yourself.

[@francescoleman-williams911]

Thanks for your honesty. If I’d written diaries as a teenager, I’d be really interested to see the signs it would have show. We were all very different growing up, it’s an interesting process to see the traits as we change and grow through our changes. Thanks for another great video!!

[@kgrayston]

I love your videos. Seriously. I was 17yo in 2003. My diaries were similar! I think I have undiagnosed autism and ADHD. I got really depressed and burned out around that time. I have a few entries saying I couldn’t see the harm in dying or I wanted to smash a window because I was so desperate to cry for help but no one would ever help me. I was constantly told I didn’t have a real “problem” and my friends wanted me to get over myself. I was a massive self critic and I also obsessed over one person at a time and all my diary entries are obsessing over wanting to be close to those people. Ah I wouldn’t go back there if you paid me all the money in the world.

[@Rollergirl2000]

Wow, this brought back a very old memory of myself drawing a picture of Ophelia too lol. I relate to this a lot. Thanks for sharing 😅

[@dimpsthealien333]

This was beautiful. Thank you.

[@MariaMarsbar]

Thank you for your videos about your experiences. I don't even know how I came across your channel but it's given me a lot of food for thought. There are some specific things I just relate to and I don't know if it's just because I imagine I can relate to nearly everything too easily or if it's because I went through the same thing. I have depression and anxiety (and I think it goes back to primary school) but so many of the things you've talked about in your videos make sense to me (e.g. I am definitely a HSP and multipotentialite). It makes me wonder if there's something else that causes my mental health issues (and inability to adult) or if it's just the depression, anxiety and my personality. Hopefully I can gain some more insight by reading and talking about it. Either way, thank you for giving me a much better insight into how people (especially afab people) can be autistic and making me chuckle a couple of times.

[@elizabethblackwell6242]

Oh my darling, your diary is who I was at 16 except Buffy wasn't available for another ten years. I do however quote Buffy all the time to this day and find it very useful. I also found emulating Cordie was a very handy social lubricant (and still do). Just yesterday I used the "international super stardom" line with some work colleagues and got a great laugh. I celebrate the small successes!

[@hettylo]

What you say about yourself resonates with me so much. Very happy to find your channel, yours is definitely the best one that there is about autism. Keep up with the great work! 💕xx

[@YoSamdySam]

Thank you Hetty

[@caitlintodd6257]

Ur amazing, thank you for the videos. U make me understand myself better and why I am the way i am :) also Buffy is amazing, comforting show!

[@simplyvince1744]

This really really helps. I am not diagnosed with autism (I strongly suspect, but am not in a position to get a diagnosis at the moment). That being said, there are so many things that you read from that diary that I relate to. A lot of those feelings and thought patterns sound like they're something directly from my high school years. It is very reassuring to hear that I wasn't the only person who had a high school experience like that.

[@maddiecawthon2219]

I've never actually been formally diagnosed, but I'm a teenager, who suspects they have ASD, and I relate to this video so much!! It's so nice to realize that I'm not completely alone in my struggles

[@EonsOfReflection]

omg, Alanis Morissette practically raised me, she taught me how to feel and process that feeling when I couldn't even identify feelings... I got diagnosed in 2019 and started suspecting I am on the spectrum in 2018 and now in 2020 she's making a comeback in my playlist. She documents the various phases of the journey of life and relationship with self and the world and others quite well. And I think that's what helps. I also love Buffy and watched the spin-off show Angel, quite late in my adult years. Also, it's freaky how much your journal sounds just like mine :)

[@Bozpot]

This reminds me of me so much. Thank you for this video.

[@lost.in.the.sixties2323]

Sam...it's like you're my soulmate! Thank you for sharing your inner thoughts of the past and also all your present feelings and experiences. It REALLY helps me to understand my autistic self. It was also one of your videos that helped me realize just a few months ago that I might be autistic. I can relate to almost anything you describe in your videos. It is so strange, but at the same time liberating to hear these intense and complicated thoughts, feelings, obsessions and struggles from someone else beside my own head. I wish you and your family all the best. :) As for me, my 'autisticaware' journey has just begun. After obsessing over autism these last months, I am sure this is the answer to all my difficulties and struggles I had in my life. My heart longs for an official doctors statement that I have autism, but I am so afraid that they don't have enough knowledge in autism in women. I am a 'master' of masking up to that point that nobody would even think that I have major difficulties with socializing. So my biggest fear is that the doctor says something like this: "No, you're perfectly normal, maybe a little bit weird, but normal. You are keeping intense eye contact with me, you are very compassionate with other people, you don't rock constantly back and forth and most importantly, you are a women. You can't be autistic!" The only persons who I opened up about this are my husband (he is very supportive :) ) and a close friend of mine. I am afraid that other people would not believe me unless I have an official doctors statement. ... I could ramble on and write a whole novel about my life right here in this comment section, so I'm officially interrupting myself at this very moment! 😁 So, what I wanted to say with my comment is: THANK YOU for your videos! 💐

[@MeganOlivier]

Oh wow! The new soul comment made me tear up 😩 If only we could all go back and tell our younger selves!!

[@ashmac87]

I related to this a lot. The not knowing what those intense emotions were, the confusion and mood swings, the obsessions with certain people... Yikes. My parents also did try to get me help by sending me to a therapist, but I presented BPD or bipolar instead of autistic & ADHD.

[@angeldude101]

The part about questioning what love is reminded me of a girl I hung out with in 1 class in Grade 12. I haven't seen her in about 5 years, but I just realized 2 days ago that I may have genuinely been in love and it kind of freaked me out to think about.

[@jimbob2184]

Yes I love Alanis!! I had Jagged Little Pill on Cassette tape and would listen over and over again. Even up to this day I look at song lyrics online to analyse.

[@krissyk9767]

I feel like i was just confused throughout my whole teenaged years. I was pretty good at schoolwork and put in lots of effort, put I always found all the social interactions and expectations very confusing. I started getting really depressed and losing motivation from 16 onwards. Some of this was due to the skin condition I have and also because I was becoming disallusioned with life and people. My diaries are mostly just me writing about how miserable and confused I am. I have never been diagnosed with autism but only depression and social anxiety. I am "grown up" now but still totally confused! I think we like to relate to characters (eg buffy) because they represent who we want to be. We find a character who is strong and can be themselves and thats who we want to be - not shy and mixed up and boring.

[@angelamanrique9416]

Thank you so much for sharing... When I watch your videos, I don´t feel alone. I feel so related in so many ways although we´re so different. Greetings from a 22yo alien from Colombia!

[@ryn2844]

The dancing thing makes sense to me. It came so naturally to everyone else, and I just didn't understand it at all, either the why or the how. It makes sense to me why you'd feel inherently different to your peers because of that. I felt that way. Also the thing about social media and not having a place to retreat to at the end of the day. I grew up when social media was definitely very much a thing you were supposed to do, but I just didn't do it. Still don't. So I did have home to retreat to. People younger than you don't necessarily have it much worse than you did in that regard, I think. Rant alert. This is the place I've chosen to vent lol. I need to get it out. I haven't told anyone any of this. I don't really expect anyone to read it. I went and found my own diary like thing from my first year in uni, 6-7 years ago. That's when I finally felt I could start writing things down, because that's when I'd learned to speak Chinese, and nobody else at home speaks Chinese, so they wouldn't be able to read it if they found it. Also I was in 6 years of shutdown (I think? It felt different from the depression I experienced later. This one was less suicidal, more productive study wise, but also I basically didn't speak at all during those years so idk) during middle and high school and had absolutely no energy to do any introspection. Guess that's also relevant. Mine is as full of self hatred as yours (and mine has grammar mistakes to boot but hey I'd just been learning for a couple of months haha). Uni was when I first started masking effectively. The new environment allowed me to shed previous expectations of 'the kid who never talks,' and effectively pretend to be normal. What I wrote talks of knowledge that I'm weird and inherently less valuable than others (because even my high school best friend said that), and that it was only a matter of time until my 'talking energy' would run out and people would see that I was fake, and hiding, and not worth befriending, and when they did they'd be disgusted and I would end up alone again. That was my biggest fear, and I 'knew' that it was inevitable. Tbh I'm still scared of that. I wrote that I'd started to speak incredibly quickly, so I wouldn't waste people's time, because I knew people wouldn't be interested in the things I had to say. I wasn't happy with this solution, because I spoke so quickly that people had trouble understanding, and then I'd have to explain, and then people would be annoyed that I'd wasted even more of their time. And with wasting their time I was talking about seconds, not minutes or hours. I barely felt I was allowed to say two sentences before people would be bored of me, because that's the message I had gotten. My self esteem was so low that I had a problem with taking two seconds out of someone's day to talk about something I found interesting (and I always made sure it was relevant to the conversation), because I felt I wasn't worth that much. Reading this is very painful. I'm sure it would've been cheesy if I'd written it in English, but the clumsy Chinese really makes it feel innocent and genuine. Oh wow, lol, I wrote about not being interested in having a boyfriend or girlfriend, and not entirely knowing why, but being sure that talking to someone that much would take too much energy and time. I needed my own room, and time for myself. Oh, and there it is, I said I didn't like being touched. And romantic phrases were awkward and fake. Gosh I yelled at myself for not having figured out my orientation yet, or whether I even had one or just wanted a bff or cool roommate. (I didn't know asexuality was a thing back then, turns out I am ace but not aro.) I interrogated myself on my life goals. I said I didn't want things to change. I wanted to stay close to my family, I wanted to spend my days studying the things I liked, and I wanted to change the world for the better and help people. I didn't necessarily want a romantic partner or lots of money. Looking back at all of this now, I have the urge to say 'if only I'd known that this is what autism in females looks like', but the funny thing is that I've suspected I had aspergers since I was about 12. Back then admitting that out loud felt like failure (at being normal, at life), and I knew it wouldn't be accepted, so I pushed it away and never told anyone. I don't think I would've accepted it if I'd had videos like these earlier. It wouldn't have mattered. Oh hell, here I go talking 'to' the abusive boyfriend I had for about a month (I never let him read this), and blaming myself for not wanting to be with him and telling him he 'hasn't done anything wrong, he's just done things I didn't like.' He definitely objectively did things wrong. God I was such a kid. I'd just turned 19. And he was 6 years older than me. Manipulative bastard. From the very start I told him I didn't want to be in a relationship with him, because I didn't flipping know him, and he proceeded to tell everyone we were a couple, including me! Gaslighting douche. Every time I told him I didn't have feelings for him, he'd flip his shit at me and blame me for being a terrible girlfriend. Like bruh, I never agreed to this? But subconsciously I assumed he knew better than me, so the gaslighting was effective. Also my brain turns off when people yell at me, so I guess I didn't fight back very hard. So why did I blame myself for not wanting to be with him? I felt I couldn't be myself around him, and since he was constantly judging strangers, I thought he'd judge me too if he knew who I really was. I wrote '我怕对不起你', which means something like 'I fear I won't be able to live up your expectations/I won't be good enough' but it also has an apology built in. Reading that phrase... Ouch. Just ouch. I also said I needed to feel safe around a partner (which I didn't with him, for damn good reasons) rather than excited. I thought normal people would want excitement rather than boring old safety, so I blamed myself for having my own weird relationship requirements and not fitting the norm. Damn reading this makes me sad, but also angry, at him and at society for not teaching healthy relationship norms. I finally 'allowed' myself to stop seeing him after he got drunk and beat up a fellow student during a party (I wasn't there, I didn't do parties), which I heard about from a bunch of other students, but he wouldn't admit to it after confronting him. I wrote 'I don't need excuses anymore.' As if I ever did in the first place. Why did I feel like I owed him my time and my body and wasn't allowed to leave just because I wanted to? The last entry is a year later. I'd gotten so good at masking by this time that I wrote: 'I don't know how to be myself. I feel like I am deceiving everyone.' Almost everything that is in this diary points towards autism, so clearly. It's not 'there's a sign here and there,' it's every page and every sentence. But nobody knows about it. My mom says I can't be autistic because I make eye contact. She really doesn't know me as well as she thinks she does.

[@roxanes43]

Thank you for sharing teenage journaling thoughts. Looking back for me, I think boys became a special interest, and not in good ways, all-consuming infatuations. Awful to think back but really fits into being undiagnosed as autistic.

[@hellothere1171]

I relate so much, it's almost like reading my own diary! 😮❤

[@sophiagaines9343]

I totally get the feeling like there's just a spark with some people and I'm able to be more articulate with them somehow. Also yes, when I read my teenage diary I had the same feelings. I laughed just because I'm in a much better and different place now. I wrote about depression, eating/restricting issues, obsession with a person I thought I loved. My teenage self would be really proud of the grown up me.

[@PuttingOnTheFoil]

Didn't everyone obsessively watch, re-watch, and quote Monty Python? Buy the records? (just outed myself as an 80's teen there.) No? I just found your channel... I just made the vital connection (Yes, the Elastica song is looping in my head right now) that I've been missing for so long in the last few weeks, but only just really fully accepted it in the last few days... except for the moments where I start trying to mask it from myself. I have had your videos playing non-stop when I've had the chance. Preferably while sitting at my hobby desk painting terrain and/or miniatures for Dungeons and Dragons which has resurfaced as a special interest after a very long break... since about 1987. Now I get to play with my wife and kids instead of struggling to find other misfits (80's stereotype) to play with which I still didn't fit in with. I have also been remembering so much of my life that I hadn't thought about. So many bad interactions. Some really bad dates (sorry girls, I'm unable to come out of my internal turmoil at the moment, please leave a message and I'll get back to you once it filters through). Oh and that time I said "Just to annoy you." in a meeting to the CEO of the small company I was working at because I thought it would come off as light hearted, and a tension breaker, which of course would come across clearly to a person from an entirely different cultural background. Before I start writing my entire biography here in the comments section of a 3 year old video, I want to say... trying to say... Your videos, your channel umm... nope, lost it. Wait. right. Your videos are helping me immensely in sorting through so much right now. I keep having moments where I feel like I stark trying to mask things from myself, but I pull up these experiences and see how you present and your explanations of masking and how that played out for you, and I don't just put it away and try to pretend I didn't have the massive epiphany. This seems to be a hard time to go through since it dredges up so much old pain. But at the same time it takes away a lot of the confusion of my life and puts it in perspective. Thank you so much for everything you have put up on here. There really seems to be something in the way you explain things and the experiences you share that really clicks with me and is helping me understand things. Now, for the biography... ;)

[@rachaelgrae]

Omg she was my super fixation too! I would download all her pictures and I made a collage on the ceiling of my closet. I even got to see her 3rd row back then. I even planned to move to Canada to "experience life like her" but I ended up marrying a Canadian!!

[@fleurboisvert8816]

I struggle with disordered eating and am finally truly thinking to of recovering as otherwise I risk not properly recovering from a sports injury. I had pretty severe bulimia still around 16 and still live caught in restrict-binge-purge cycle, not good.

[@susannatuttapanna2010]

wow- you could have been reading from my teenage diaries, right down to the words and phrases you used, the references to pop culture, the outsider perspective, the special person obsession and the disordered eating as control. i have been thinking a lot about whether i might have autism- I resonate so much with your videos (altho I'm 45 now), but especially this one, it makes me think I should seek diagnosis.

[@susannatuttapanna2010]

and I read the bloody Bell Jar too!! teenage girls should not be allowed to read that!

[@thekeety]

I very much relate to this and am about the same age as you. My father is very clearly and obviously a high functioning autistic, so my brother and I inherited a lot of the traits, but I was extra moody as a girl and got teased about that by my family. Back then, I wondered if there was a mental health condition to describe violently extreme mood swings that I had day to day or even hour to hour. I do think I might be less on the spectrum than you based on some things you describe in other videos, but I do remember quite clearly thinking for most of my life that I couldn't explain my emotions to people because they would have to understand emotions as shapes/colors/textures (I'm synaesthetic) and that I could not find human words for how I felt. I often felt alien as a teenager and young adult, but I didn't actually start to stabilize until my late twenties. Your videos are very interesting to me considering all this. While I was in my masters, diagnosed me in 2016 with dyslexia and ADHD (they were VERY quick to diagnose me ADHD), and based on how I react to the medication, I do think that's true (the stimulants make me sleepy and mellow instead of hyperactive as it does with others who take it who aren't ADHD). However, I'm wondering if being somewhat on the spectrum aggravates it. As far as my prescribed ADHD medication, I don't like depending on it and am not sure what it does in the long term to brain chemistry. Therefore, I avoid taking those "medications" except in dire emergencies, like if suddenly I have to move and need to do packing, which is my greatest weakness in life, especially if it's an unexpected packing which I hadn't had adequate time to prepare for mentally and on paper. I took the online AQ and got a 32/44 and my brother took it and got 41/44

[@liesdamnlies3372]

Even though I got in a lot of trouble in school for not participating in any sort of journaling, I’m glad I didn’t. I can’t imagine dragging all this up like you did here. I’d probably die from anxiety before starting the recording. :|

[@Plumsouffle]

Amazing video. Thank you. As a boy, even, I related so much and it helped me make sense of some of my childhood difficulties. Apart from Buffy. X

[@Authentistic-ism]

I kept a diary during my teen years also. When it became clear my mother was snooping and reading it, I actually started keeping a decoy diary. I wrote as if I were the person I figured my mother would approve of. I wish I had the decoy diary still in my possession. It didn't go on for long. I just got better at hiding my real . Apparently I could not keep up the mask in writing. Interesting how I did it for 40 years in person

[@arkieologist]

First off, thank you for sharing! And thanks for keeping it concise and relevant! I relate to so much of your teen thoughts thinking back to when I was that age. (I am now 27.) I was diagnosed with ADD at age nine but I still felt incredibly misunderstood and different than literally everyone else! My thoughts and emotions were very intense (internally)! I felt by staying quiet and not sharing much - certainly not my world of imagination or "quirky" obsessions - people would accept me and not know how 'deeply bizarre' I was! One of my obsessions was (and still is quite the interest!) baby names actually! I would scour the internet and baby books for interesting, unique names I liked and collected them in a list. Then I spent wayy too much time ordering these names by favorite! I would let a few weeks pass maybe.. and then rewrite my list adding new found names and changing the order by my 'flavor of the week ' (preference). Now that YouTubing is so popular I've found an entire section of KZbin of videos about names and even channels dedicated! I know I'm not alone in the interests I have and I'm grateful the internet can show that to us. I also want to mention that for the longest time I felt tormented that something was wrong with me and I couldn't figure it out on my own! When I was about 15/16 I was severely angry person.. I really don't know where this RAGE MONSTER came from because my temperament and personality is very pleasant and easy going.. But then I became severely depressed and diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. I didn't know what anxiety was as a child but I've had it my whole life. As a teen, with all the pressure though, my anxiety skyrocketed. The last two years of high school I didn't worry about social things anymore really. I was either completely consumed with my anxiety or depression or I was studying hard with a tutor to be sure and graduate. I did graduate. It was an extremely difficult feat for me. Honestly, after high school my mental health especially depression worsened and I definitely believe it was because I wasn't working to achieve anything. Even though I had slain the beast that is high school, I still felt like a total failure who barely made it out alive. I didn't seek jobs out and didn't feel ready for college. At 19, I did testing and found I have a rare learning disability that falls on the Autism/Aspergers spectrum. I really feel that by simply /knowing/, having a diagnosis to go with, and being able to put a name with your difficulties really does made a huge difference! Although still difficult news, I was very relieved and felt a huge puzzle piece of understanding myself (in order to help myself) had finally been found. ☺💛

[@arkieologist]

Also good news - for any teens seeing this - I beat my depression. I retrained my brain by myself without a program or following a specific book but having heard some advice (from a professional or author) on how to do so. It took incredible mental attention and staying in top of all my thoughts until the negative, self defeating ones were no longer the first ones to come. It took a few months I'd say before I no longer need to be intensely watching my own thoughts! But depression is ROUGH! And You can definitely make it through if I can! 😃

[@peterwynn2169]

You are not alone. When I was 17-18, my fascination with Japan took me into wanting a Japanese girlfriend. I felt that it was the only way to complete me. I had a one-way crush, but it didn't work out. I have now turned it towards wanting Japanese things. I had no concept of autism as a teenager.

[@pandaroo_cam]

thank you for making this video

[@reveluvreveluv7257]

Ear worm people is such a good way to describe it!!!! I didn’t know it was an autism thing? I just thought I was awful for being so caught up with a particular person

[@taiagavel9250]

It’s so funny because watching your videos has helped me compile all this information about myself I used to hate myself so much and even that I wasn’t alone in when you said you wished you could give your past self a hug I felt that I wish I could go back in time and tell young me it’s going to be ok your not bad your just different