Autistic MASKING: how do we do it and should we stop?

For many autistic adults, masking is the reason why we “don’t look autistic”. But what is it, does everyone do it and how can it help us, actually?
In this video I take a look at some recent research on the topic which identified four categories of “compensatory strategies”, different ways in which autistic people obscure their true selves to fit in with friends, get a job or promotion, or just exist in the neurotypical world.
Why Autistic People Seem Weird (Uncanny Valley theory): • Why do autistic people...
Why Autistic Women Seem Two-Faced: • Why autistic people se...
Study on masking (see Table 1 especially): molecularautism.biomedcentral...
@Aspergers from the Inside video on taking off the mask: • The WORST ADVICE you c...
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[@YoSamdySam]

Let me know what you do (or have done) to actively unmask!

[@garyfrancis5015]

Yo Samdy Sam uploading on a Sunday. Your definitely a atheist you not been to church this morning.

[@alexpoulpe979]

Though being born female, I have a very "stereotypically masculine" type of autism (for lack of a better way to describe it, sorry - and I edited my description as people didn't understand me). As a result, I'm unable to mask, despite being already 40, meh. I'm so bad at socialisation and work in society. The only thing I do is "deep compensation" (and all the love to Buffy being a school of life). Also: I've almost always worked from home or in very lonely settings (my new job is archivist librarian - just me and the books). Finally, I moved too, haha, to the UK for my part, and I love to not be forced to kiss people on their cheek, gosh how I hated that in France (my home country). Ps: I've always done a lot of hand flapping, humming, twirling, rocking, munching, scribbling on things, playing with random objects etc. even in public. Imagine how well all this comes for strangers ........ Yeah, not well. Pps: I'm actually diagnosed with autism by the way. And boy is it hard to connect with people, even online...

[@garyfrancis5015]

Alex Poulpe Samdy hates Simon Baron Cohen extreme male brain theory.

[@garyfrancis5015]

Yo Samdy Sam Oh dear a 1 👎🏻 it most be Simon Baron Cohen upset you don't agree with his extreme male brain theory. This joke keeps running on and on. Here is actually cousin to Sacha.

[@sciencetigress]

I had to do a lot of soul searching and trusting myself versus what everybody else said about me. I really like Psychology and I love the whole 16 personalities thing from the whole MBTI thing. And I wanted to figure out what my personality type was just so I could gain a better understanding of myself. All this time I was thinking that I was either INFJ or ENFJ but I wasn't. That's just what I thought everyone around me wanted me to be. I had to do a lot of thinking and trying stuff and then I finally realized what my body had been trying to tell me the whole time and why I always felt like I was a freak somehow. I'm neither INFJ nor ENFJ. I'm an ESFP. I just tricked myself into believing otherwise. I now understand "what's wrong with me". I'm a sensor and both of my parents are intuitive. I just became a perfect reflection of what I felt they wanted me to be. But it wasn't who I truly was.

[@annjay2581]

Me: *masking People: "Just be yourself! :)))" Me: *unmasks People: "StOp bEiNg sO wEiRd" Me: ????

[@carolsh1983]

You misspelled my name. It isn’t ‘Me’, is spelled ‘Carol Ann’. :p

[@littleseagullblog267]

If you can afford it get some furbabies. Lurchers enjoy being weird, they might even compete with you to see who can be the weirdest...Living, breathing Gordian knot on you sofa...their teeth poke out when they sleep...goofy and cute.

[@marcrecord3991]

Too true. I had a devastating moment of this happening just before Christmas which really messed me up for a few days.

[@trueblissconsciousness2821]

Yep; you just described 6th form college for me.

[@IExpectedBSJustNotThisMuchBS]

I think my being called weird by everyone I've ever known (when I've so desperately just wanted to be normal or at least thought of as normal my whole life) is evidence that I've not done a good job of masking throughout life. Being myself, though I dampened stimming (no need to advertise myself as a target to predators) has been paramount. I've been both trying to fit in and be myself. Too much work for me obviously since weird gets bandied about in short order.

[@StephanieBethany]

Had a random thought while watching - I wonder if a lot of autistics got by in the past because there was such an emphasis on things like etiquette classes so you literally studied what you were supposed to do in situations?

[@YoSamdySam]

Not just etiquette classes, but a more formal structure to social interactions in general. Good point!

[@garyfrancis5015]

Yo Samdy Sam Jane Austin books are lot about manners. So autistic women pick up on it from a young age. Added to Stephanie point. I called it the Nero typicial behaviour study.

[@LoftBallerina]

Stephanie Bethany this explains why my mum sent me to modeling and finishing school! 😂

[@darthj_der7447]

YES! learning etiquette "rules" helped me sooo much as a kid and teenager.

[@marillaz4582]

Absolutely! In high school I bought every etiquette book I could find, begged my parents to put me into etiquette classes, and joined junior cotillion just so I could feel more comfortable in social settings. And it definitely helped...even if I do come across as being a little formal or high brow...most people just assume I’m from a wealthy family or extra classy. It certainly has given me guidelines for a lot of situations that I would otherwise freeze in!

[@MecdiAn]

"I'm in netherlands I can finally be myself and people may think I'm just British" I died laughing.

[@someonerandom256]

I want to live in the UK, so people will just think I'm a tacky American 😂

[@annarehbinder7540]

Hell yes , lived many years abroad because it was so much easier to be myself unfortunatly got sick so now trying to navigate Sweden which is my home but really hard to be autistic in because of a lot of consensus building in society .

[@Kasiarzynka]

I literally figured out that moving abroad was probably a good strategy to learn to act more "socially normal" about half a minute before she said she felt personally attacked by the last category and the example. Let me explain. I moved abroad 4 years ago, at the age of 19, because I literally couldn't live with my father any longer for mental sanity reasons - he is such a dictator at home, and listening to stuff like "you're unnormal" and calling me things because I refused to say wash dishes exactly the way he did and being basically punished for anything by him being grumpy for 3 weeks and generally emotional and partially physical violence *are pRobaBLy not healthy for one's sanity.* Now I'm not diagnosed so I don't want to throw it onto autism or anything, although I do feel autism is the most rational and holistic explanation of lots of things that are "weird" about me, idk what else it could be. But, having moved abroad (my mom had moved there two years earlier), I noticed after some time that it's become easier for me to make eye contact with some people and that I became sort of more open and less shy etc. Now, I think there are several layers to that: leaving a toxic household behind (because I refuse to call it "home"), new job where people would actually appreciate me for whatever reason and where I was basically forced to interact with strangers, which was one of the reasons I chose that specific company), the fact that this society seems more friendly than the one I come from and the fact I would and still do deliberately go through the effort of talking to someone just to practice my language, but as side effect I also practice my social skills. But the reason I really thought about it at that point was that at the end of the day, I observe people a lot - especially the words they use and their pronunciation, in order to improve on my language. As a side effect, I think I also observe and start to mimic their behavior, very much like I mimic their vocabulary and speech patterns. I don't think I would've gone through that conscious effort back in my home country, meaning I wouldn't have improved. Also, cheek kissing is the worst, that's how family members greet each other in my country a lot and I hated it with passion every. Single. Time.

[@wolf1066]

When I'm being myself at work, most people put it down to me being a geek/nerd.

[@stickyandsweetie]

Im British n I thought she was british!

[@chloewest7480]

"Which I can understand" is my downfall. No matter how someone's wronged me, I always find something in what they did which I can understand.

[@anneshepard]

Yeah me too Self hate is a bit h

[@maiqtyson3278]

It’s terrible. I do it a LOT. I need to work on that...

[@Calibizaro]

arg...same... I'm such a damn doormat!

[@waterwraith1189]

Wait that’s what I say 💀

[@FollowmedowntheNumberWhole]

scape goat syndrome extraordinarre

[@anyaklum8757]

I've always been the same about tv shows and books. Fictional characters are so much easier to understand because they intentionally direct you to how they're feeling. People ask me why it seems like I have a stronger connection to fictional characters than real people, and it's because I do!

[@Blowyourtop]

This is such an excellent explanation!

[@lottenbavik6649]

Anya Klum also I can build on it after the books have ended, go back and if it’s not what I need and even if it’s a great friend the timing is wrong books don’t get angry when you spend time with another book.

[@frogmouth]

Ditto. Am nearly 70. Have learned a lot from fiction. Have spent a lot of time finding acceptable stimming tricks. Regard home as a haven for doing what I like and not talking. Get into strife sometimes for not answering calls . Actually find it easier if I am out walking or sitting outdoors with a coffee because mentally I am 'now is the time I follow these rules ' mode

[@alexba1ley]

Same. Also, most stories follow a similar cycle of events, which is something that can be studied and learned.

[@amyecorbin]

SAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[@aa-xi8bc]

While researching autism for my dianosis, I read so much about how autistic people flap their hands. I thought ''how strange, I dont do that. Maybe I'm masking, maybe I don't stim...''. I 1000% thought that meant flapping your arms as if you were immitating a bird... how autistic of me. Turns out I do flap, and chew my cheeks, and clench my fists, and press on my nails, and wiggle my legs, and make sounds, and spell words in my head, and count things, and repeat phrases, and all sorts of stims that are not talked about as stims. Conclusion : neurotypicals don't know nearly as much about autistic stimming as they think.

[@garyfrancis5015]

I’m a Person Flapping hands. Should be called jazz hands 👐 stimming hands. Rather than a full flap.

[@yoyoyoyo-lq4jb]

I pace, pick at skin, bite my lips, bite my nails, shift my weight side to side, tap each of my fingers to my thumb, shake my head, listen to music to calm down, watch familiar movies to calm down, use blankets to calm down... use showers to calm down lol. And I thought I didn't stim.

[@thisisepic3052]

How dare you just describe me, as I'm also wondering if I have autism..

[@v0id_d3m0n]

"Press on my nails" i didn't know this was a stim :o this comment is eerily relatable

[@cyohe8643]

So...stimming...I did not think I did this as a kid & then I found my number square puzzle. It is a square with black & white tiles numbered 1-15 & you put the numbers in order or odds & evens, etc. I used this at school until I misplaced it. And clicker pens...the ones you press a button (clicker) for the pen tip to come out. Most of the time now; I just swing my leg back & forth under the table where no one can see. I do not have an official diagnosis & at my age don't see the point of a doctor telling me something I've already figured out on my own. These videos have been incredibly helpful.

[@bettybuttercup9991]

OMG american aspie girl moved to Japan married a Japanese man and I am told by my in laws that I act more Japanese than many Japanese themselves. It’s easier to be myself here bc social expectations on small talk with strangers are very low and people tend to stay to themselves. It’s so nice, I can’t imagine how much I’ll have to struggle again going back to my loud intrusive homeland america 😆🥵

[@robscovell5951]

Same here in Thailand.

[@disastresskettle579]

I do what you describe as masking, but I don't do it to hide myself. I do it to translate my intentions towards others into a language they can understand.... I learned how to do those things in order to be able to express love towards others and treat them with care.

[@lunamoth7044]

That's a good way say that. The reason for masking definitely makes more sense when explained in that particular way.

[@filhadacuca]

YES! THERE! YOU SAID IT THANK YOU

[@leenaparsons9876]

That's beautiful.

[@robyncoe6441]

Translating oneself for the sake of others…to avoid being rejected…but then losing track of what is essential self in the process.

[@user-ls1bw2uw1j]

Same. I also don't want to appear mean or uninterested in the other person so I remind myself to take eye contact and pay close attention to whether my feet are pointed at someone etc. But it doesn't come naturally

[@n8iv.missfit290]

Unmasking to me is wiping/washing my makeup off when I get home and going back to my bed or video games to relax me because I'm socially and mentally exhausted. I hardly speak when I'm home and that makes me feel comfortable and gets me charged up for the next day :)

[@GhostSamaritan]

I could do that before but as life demands more of me, it's getting harder to recharge.

[@bramvanduijn8086]

@@GhostSamaritan I feel you, it is because we keep carrying our thoughts and worries with us into our free time. Does anybody have any tips for creating a ritual to end the work & social part of the day so I can let go of my work related thoughts? Basically I want to learn how to compartimentalize more, this working from home stuff is making that a lot harder.

[@etikai9828]

Omg I'm the same

[@aristoteles3843]

Why use make up?

[@haxa_music]

Makeup as a part of my mask (both literal and figurative) is a key concept in my new channel!

[@Sky-Child]

I feel like when I realised that I actually am autistic I completely dropped and shattered my mask. I had a burnout and mental breakdown at the same time. I realised that I had used a huge amount of energy to try and maintain this persona. For a few months I could not mask at all. I am trying to build it back up using active stimming and communication

[@carolsh1983]

I feel this so much. While I didn’t unmask everywhere, but I certainly did with my family and with other people I felt relatively safe with. My mother said that I was ‘acting’ autistic to fit the dx. To give her credit though, she listened and accepted it when I said I just felt safer about not aggressively suppressing all of the “autistic” behaviors.

[@jennadeemorgan9382]

I'm in a similar situation.

[@binar3914]

I’m also struggling with this. This unmasking has been so painful to me as well. I’m still masking at workplace and sometimes in public. My husband has a hard time at understanding our son’s and mine diversity. Whenever I have a meltdown he is looking at me as what the .... just happened. He can’t accept my autism.

[@Jimbo386000]

Me too. I have lost a few skills that I have built up since my teen hood.

[@TheCimbrianBull]

This is similar to my story as well.

[@AnimeGirlYaoiChan]

I'm 20 and I been masking my whole life, especially in school because I told my teachers I didn't need to be in special ed classes because I understand everything when in reality I REALLY needed the help but was scared of being bullied and called slurs if I do. I been barely scraping by in school with C's and D's and yesterday I finally told my teacher that I'm autistic and I need help and broke down and cried because I felt ashamed and a burden that I need help but my teacher was very supportive and told me that there's nothing wrong in needing help and made me feel much better. I don't feel bad about being in special ed now I feel so happy because now I get to work at my own pace and enjoy learning

[@Bobross-ss9gv]

That's great news I'm in special Ed as well

[@antonialange949]

It's been one year, how are you doing?

[@curtisholsinger6023]

That's wonderful. Do you have any updates for us? We'd love to hear more about how it went

[@diaxpora]

Well done for telling your teacher. That was a huge step and you've proven to yourself you can overcome obstacles. Really happy for you.

[@HappyHoney41]

That was a good choice. My parents let me choose between going to public school, all girls school, or the advanced school of learning. I knew I had social skill problems and chose to go to public school; because I thought I needed to be around normal people, so I could learn to fit in. That was not the right choice. When I grew up, being a nerd was a bad thing. I think it's better now.

[@brittanyc3282]

I've literally been told on a first date, "you're weird aren't you" Like excuse me??

[@publiusvelocitor4668]

Ha. Same here. I was just happy to be on a date.

[@bramvanduijn8086]

I think weird is a compliment.

[@mesquitecervino249]

Same. If not for online dating I would have never gone on a date because no one asks out "weirdos."

[@Chemilia]

@@mesquitecervino249 honestly I'm not on spectrum but these times almost noone asks anyone on a date in reality, super rare😉

[@ja-qk4vd]

😂 my fav was "you're life Jim.but not as we know it😏"

[@McFlingleson]

Here's a funny story: I got diagnosed when I was a little kid. My "behavior issues" had been a problem at school for quite some time, so they took me to a place and explained to me that the purpose of taking me there was to figure out what was behind my "behavior issues". Well, when they figured out what it was, a guy took me and my parents into a room where he told us that the reason I was having behavior issues was autism. I had never heard of autism before, so it was an unfamiliar word to me, so thinking over how it sounded, I decided that the root word was odd, so this "oddtism" thing that I apparently had was a clinical term that meant that I was weird. Now, I'd had hundreds of people tell me that I was weird, so I knew I was weird, so I got frustrated with the guy for running all his tests to tell us something we already knew.

[@marillaz4582]

This. Is. Perfection. 🙌🏻

[@spiralsun1]

😐🤦‍♀️❤️

[@Starler_Editz]

I'm oddtistic!!

[@melissaflores1497]

I love this story. Oddtistic!

[@interestinglyenough7601]

Brilliant.

[@emmawilkins5755]

I definitely copied people to learn what to say in casual conversation to appear 'normal'. For example I know tomorrow is Monday so I must remember to ask my colleagues how their weekend was ( even though I really am not interested!). I know I must laugh if everyone else is laughing and I should ask people if they want a drink if I'm going to make one. Sounds so obvious but I didn't used to do any of these things and I think people thought I was rude. It's so exhausting though. Work is such a challenge.

[@leov4751]

Same here. I always to struggle to make smalltalk. Mondays are "How was the weekend". Fridays are "Any plans for the weekend". Bonus points for remembering Friday plans on Monday.

[@rebeccamay6420]

If it is difficult for me to remember to get myself a drink of water more than twice a day, imagine how much effort it takes to remember to offer a visitor something to drink!

[@MissingRaptor]

I always hated noticing that I wasn't like others and I thought I was full of myself for thinking that I was somehow "different" or worse, "special". Meeting with and talking with other autistic people has helped me feel better about not being normal because now I know that I'm not fooling myself into thinking I'm better than others, but I'm simply different. This has been a good thing for me in my life.

[@Lexicoley1826]

Thai is exactly how I feel as well. You took the words right out of my brain!

[@v0id_d3m0n]

Same but i may genuinely have a superiority complex lol

[@vixxcelacea2778]

That's a super healthy way to look at it. (at least in my opinion) There is a unfortunate tendency to take something that seems as more of a detriment (either because society makes it so or sometimes because the condition actually causes struggle, even in accepting circles) and assume it HAS to be a strength, in fact, it's a "super power". I don't think this is the case in almost anything. There are pros and cons to a host of things. Different doesn't mean better or worse. It can simply mean different. A neuro-typical person and a neuro-diverse person working on a project have a much higher chance of seeing every possible angle, thinking about everything from big picture to small detail to find the answer, solution or method. Both have strengths and weaknesses. Most of the struggle is because society expects neurodiversity in order to work and fit in. In my experience, there are only a handful of issues related to some disorders/neuro-divergencies that would cause issue even if society was perfectly welcoming to those with said brain configurations. When society starts to actually accept diversity as a okay thing, even a positive because variation is what evolution 'desires' then I think much of the stigma and struggle on all sides will be quelled, or at least significantly reduce.

[@2cleverbyhalf]

I can relate to this. One question I have repeatedly asked myself over the years is "what would be the normal reaction to this", because I don't trust my natural response to situations. And always feeling relief when someone else voices the same response I want to have. It is as if I think my reaction to something would be unreasonable. An example would be something like a boss expecting me to stay late. I would feel something was unreasonable or unfair, but I am rarely the first person to voice an opinion, because I don't trust that my reaction will be typical or correct.

[@jessicaviolet8209]

When you said you studied people for so long that you actually get them now, and unnerve people because you get them almost too well, I felt that so so hard. Undiagnosed but I've been bawling for weeks after understanding masking and my childhood and meltdowns and everything. Thank you :)

[@ozibuyensin]

same like i relate to every single word and i hope your journey is going well and you are happy with where you are now. I hope I will be too ^^

[@jerrysims6691]

My pet theory is that we are all kids trying to be adults and we should stop pretending (masking) and just be the kids we really are and just be wonderfully innovative, creative and zany!! Because that's why we are here on Earth!! Go on ..release the inner child - you know you want to!!!

[@meganeff]

Jerry Sims I love this!

[@jerrysims6691]

As I was saying: www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-england-kent-51635511/there-s-a-whole-world-to-doodle-over

[@robinreisberg8351]

OMG...I have always felt that way!

[@alexc2265]

Amen!

[@tugger]

this is called gestalt psychology

[@ladyjaneoftheearlgreyteatribe]

A Buffy video on special interests would be brilliant.

[@BertSingels]

Yes, Buffy was always great, so I also would love to see a video on it.

[@garyfrancis5015]

Bert Singels Friends my favourite episode was The one with the holiday armadillo it was so silly. Monica line "me, Santa and the holiday armadillo are going to talk in the kitchen?" Lol Katy from invisible I liked friends. I wonder if she related to Phoebe as well. Sorry, I know your talking about Buffy, I never seen it, I like looking at her as Dafney in Scooby do. I tell you I like at school Sabrina the teenage witch.

[@tracik1277]

Gary Francis ooh weird I just watched that Friends episode yesterday

[@emilypanda5959]

I second the Buffy idea! I was soooo obsessed with Buffy. I felt like I lived it ☺️💚

[@SmileSoItGoes]

Bring on the Buffy

[@mayafarrell6223]

I feel like “taking off the mask” is sort of like removing a mud mask without any water. You slowly chip at it, get most of it off, realize there are still little bits and pieces stuck to your face, and just let them fall off naturally.

[@rahbeeuh]

This is a great analogy

[@kysscum111]

I had this dream abt masking actually, but it was with a facemask instead: So, I was going to school with my cousin. But, I was still sick- so I had to wear a mask.. We had to be seperated bcuz shes a highschooler and im a middleschooler. We were basically going to be doing the same thing anyways tho: Take a test. It was hard to walk up the stairs bcuz I had something heavy, but I still got to my classroom. But first, I went to the 2nd floor thinking it was the 3rd floor, but I saw my 6th grade English teacher, so I knew it wasnt after a while.. Once I arrived to my classroom, I had greated my English teacher. I told her I've been sick, but even tho I said that, she obviously didnt care, English teacher: "Oh ok, but I still have a lot of assignments you missed" This represents how it seems like she doesnt care for what I say.. And everyone was in groups, so I went to one with less people, but my mask dropped down, and once I pulled it back up, (I was looking down) I pulled my head up to see that nobody was at the table anymore.. Everyone was at a different table now, they left me.. After that, we headed downstairs to go outside and take our test, But my mask kept falling down and I got embarrassed. Well, later on, (My dream transitions are weird, ik) at 5th period, (My FA/PA: Animation/cartooning) Animation teacher: "JuJu, where have you beeen?" I answered that I was sick, but then my mask dropped down. She started calling me a whole different name, and her voice got more aggressive.. So, I had a meltdown and dropped to the floor. The people looked at me weirdly, and there was a chuckle from here to there. It felt HORRIBLE. (Btw Ms. Wulff knows Im neurodivergent and she doesnt mind, but my dream was making everyone against me for it) And guess what the meaning behind this dream is? About masking your true self. All represented by a face mask.

[@kysscum111]

I seperated the parts so its easier to follow/read

[@armorsmith43]

“Are you the person that you’ve constructed?” Yes. I am an engineer of myself. What comes naturally is systematized approaches to things and thinking about those a bunch. For me, unmasking means showing them some of the “source code” of the mask.

[@rifi8706]

It's the same for me, I feel I have a number of programs and personas that I run in different situations, but I've grown disgusted with them because it's all acting

[@turnleftaticeland]

Wow, I LOVE this

[@armorsmith43]

So, since writing this I've been doing a lot of self development work and I'm sure that it does not make sense to think of oneself in such mechanical terms.

[@JPWack]

So well said! It's like the "outlooks" that Greg Egan describes in Diaspora, I feel in control when I choose the "inquisitive" mode instead of the "segway into obscure sci-fi references" mode.

[@fallinginthed33p]

That's scary because the real self only comes out when I'm by myself. Maybe human society is all about applying different scripts to different relationships. We just make it a more systematic effort.

[@noor-5187]

My heavily masking led me to some kind of identity crisis around age 25 (being undiagnosed autistic). I had a huge burn out and lack of energy, that made me suddenly unable to mask as I was used to from teenage years. It was very confusing to me and my suroundings as well. People were saying I changed and asking where the old/real me went. But deep inside I felt the opposit. I felt more myself than ever before. It took me a while to realize it and come in terms with my new self/ lifestyle. Now I'm kind of scared to accidentally meet people from highschool etc, I don't know which face to put on. I would say I masked till the point I now dislike my old self cause I feel I was fake. And for what in the end...? All those people are gone from my life anyway, so why I exausted myself to fit in. It's a kind of trauma actually 😕 It's not easy to find a healthy balance between masking or not. Not masking at all could as well lead to being excluded/loneliness/trauma... I think young autistic people could really use some guidance in that.

[@miratarnish6316]

Im not quite 25 yet, and not diagnosed, but I've realised that I showed many autistic behaviours and traits growing up, and that I literally find it dishonest and painful to fake a smile, and how many fictional characters I got obsessed with mimicking growing up, leading to my personal identity being an indecisive mess, made of either indifference or strict aversion to everything, not a lot of passion. I have no idea how to go about diagnosis though

[@joshalicea9870]

I relate to both comments so much. I’m 17 but I’m now realizing I think I’m autistic.

[@kuniosaiki]

Hmm the identity issues I relate, I thought it might me DID but it’s all me in my head so it may be a conflict of versions. My true self, and the one I created to fit in to this weird world (aka the mask).

[@zaraandrews600]

I have just been having that happen. I am 24, and I was doing a Masters, and everything just started falling to pieces. I have been diagnosed with autism when I was 21, but I have been finding it very hard to find myself after I got diagnosed as I haven't had any help to deal with it because I have no money.

[@nusbeach509]

@Kunio Saiki by DID u mean the dissociative disorder right? I’m going thru this right now, and I resonated with a lot of things I’m reading about related to autism, yet a dissociative disorder also seems like what I’m going thru as well. I don’t know 🤷‍♂️

[@sandy0811]

the concept of "deep compensation" sounds very interesting. When you said: "I learned so much about people, even more then they knew about themselves" now explains why people "use" me as their therapist. Me being interested in people and how their mind works brought me to read so much about it that at some point I became someone who people often would meet just to talk about their problems and get some advice. THe only problem is that I haven't realized untill recently that these meetings drain all my energy. That's what happens when you try to understand yourself and other people as someone with ASD. You become so obsessed that sometimes you don't even realize that it costs you much energy and peace of mind. Thank you again for another great insight on ASD.

[@noor-5187]

Wow I love this comment, you explained 100% what I feel and what happened to me as well. I always was the therapist in friendships and it felt so dubble. It one hand I liked it cause I could offer my insights and connect deeply (I love diving deep into subjects and could focus long/talk about it longer than others) but it also ment I often felt somehow 'used'. I would be having a 3 hour conversation with a friend about their problem, and then that friends would be like "thanks u are so good at this" and go home or to see other friends to socialize and have fun. I often felt left behind with empty hands and feeling like they sucked all energy out of me (even it was my decision to offer it, so I need to learn to limit things). But basicly I got reduced to the 'emotional problem solving friend' and not as someone to have a nice time with, it really hurted. (also cause my idea of having a good time is different and I didn't wanna go to bars etc). I had to work on setting boundries and to feel in the moment what feels right or too much (I filter it too slow and only feel it afterwards). I actually have nearly no friends left cause I don't manage to find a good balance...I eighter give too much or take too many steps back. I end up feeling unfulfilled and dissapointed. I'm really lost with the whole friendship thing. I don't know anyone with autism in real life. Do u perhaps have any tips for me?

[@sandy0811]

@@noor-5187 I know these situations exactly!! I've experience them all the time. My so called "friends" don't call me to go to the cinema, theater, park or whatever. They just call when they have their own crisis but have no one to talk to!! For many years I didn't bother, because I thought: if this is the only way I could connect with people than be it. But now I'm not willing to do it any longer. Especially not because there have been times when I needed someone to talk, but there was no one who wanted to listen. Now I'm in the process of learning and accepting that I'm living a better life while being alone. The society wants us to believe that human beings need to socialize in order to be a "normal" and valid human being !! But that's just the opinion of extroverted neurotypicals! That's not me/us. We have to learn how to put down our masks and to find out who we really are. Are you your true self or rather the one that the society wants you to be? I'm too tired of not knowing who I am and trying to fit in. Trying to please others so they would accept me, but as soon as you state your own opinion the same people tell you that you are too sensitive, too different, too difficult bla bla bla !! We should learn to love our time alone......just me and myself. Maybe, just maybe then will people, who appreciate us as we are. step into our lifes.

[@julia15206]

Finding friends can be hard but its harder when alone, I have been ”friendless” for years and I get so lonely at times but when im with people I get reminded that it takes alot of energy. Haha

[@sandy0811]

@@julia15206 oh, I didn't mean that we don't need friends at all. It's just that we should learn to be alone at first so afterwards we'll be able to let the right people into our lifes. People who are not afraid of or annoyed by us. People who don't drain our energy. If you have masked your whole life than the first step would be to learn who you really are, and that's best done alone (or in therapy) :-)

[@noor-5187]

It's fascinating how we all seem to experience this constant inner battle. Investing in people versus letting go. Loneliness versus unsatisfying connections. I never really feel in piece with any of the options I go for, it's an endless discussion in my head. I'm hoping to find this connection/friendship with someone who is also on the spectrum. It might be an illusion but I have a feeling it would work bettter. I would feel less awkward, less paranoid about being too clingy or too distant. I basicly want someone who understands and enjoys going on about subjects. Who doesn't propose going to crowded places. (Who is not bothered by me sending funny cat/dog videos😋). And most of all: security, safety, feeling comfortable. With neurotypicals I'm constantly scared they are not being honnest and giving signals I'm not catching. When they don't contact me for long or don't answer me quickly, I immediatly think "they probably don't want to be friends/ they are angry/ they dislike me etc". It's stressful to have those constant doubts. But meanwhile I am also not contacting them and also doubting if they are actually the friend I want and if I should continue to invest or not. So complicated. For now my dog and husband are my best friends, we'll see how things go😊 Thank both of u for your input, always nice to feel understood. X

[@SirisLayer]

That line of "Moved to a different environment/country" hit me like a boomerang, wasn't expecting this at all and it makes so much sense why I felt so comfortable doing things when studying abroad, because it felt like a blank slate and i could reinvent myself / do things I've always wanted to do (dress exactly how i want to dress without comments or questions about it etc)

[@gigahorse1475]

I’ve wondered if I would get along better in a different country. All the Germans I’ve met are quieter, less openly emotional, less facial expressions, etc. (compared to Americans). It seemed like they didn’t have to put in as much social energy as Americans do. I could be completely wrong about Germans (since I’ve only met a handful).

[@veliana7958]

Same this actually hit me so hard because I moved away right after highschool with the idea of "I need to go to a place where people don't know how weird and awkward I am so I can start fresh" and of course the added bonus of "haha this is just how things are where I come from" while I actually never even remotely fit in there

[@Chirpy-eo8jq]

This! I’ve been dreaming of just up and moving away… away from my family.

[@samijo_]

@@Chirpy-eo8jq DO IT! I did, and I’m so much more at-peace with life since I moved (from MN to AZ.) It’s easier to let your freak-flag fly when you’re not amongst people who expect you to behave within “normal” parameters.

[@Zhaife]

"shallow/deep compensation" omg there's a word for it. i realized really early on that i was basically just studying people around me and mimicking them, and after a while i felt like such a fraud. like, who is the real me? i feel like i'm so much different when i'm alone. on the other hand, i'm also really in tune when other people are struggling in social settings and i always always always make it my mission to help them. i learned how to keep other people from talking over me and i'm going to use that power to talk over people talking over other people so they can talk, god damn it!

[@richiecomia3696]

Hi. How do you keep people from talking over you? I struggle in social settings where people are gathered in groups and talking, like dinner at a big table or standing together in a circle at a party. I don't understand the cues, whether verbal or physical, that allow me to speak without interruption. If someone speaks at the same time, I yield, over and over again, to the point that when I finally get a chance, the topic has moved on, and my comment is now irrelevant. The other outcome is that I feel like I make a comment, everyone pauses for a second to look at me strangely, and then without asking for elaboration, adding their own comment, or offering a counterpoint, they immediately move on as if what I said did not matter. This causes me to retract into a shell where I try to speak even less and eventually I become silent and disappear. And then I am wrought with feelings that observers may see me as shy, introverted (I am both, but don't wish to be viewed that way), or unknowledgeable. I think I am the complete opposite of unknowledgeable, in fact, I am dying inside to share what I know or think. So how do you speak without talking over someone while making meaningful contributions to the conversation? I appreciate anyone's insight; this has bothered me ever since I had to endure social settings and I turn 55 next month. Thank you.

[@Potato.00]

Once I thought my friend was sad, and they told me they were just tired, but I was so sure that something was wrong that I kept trying to make them feel better. I ended up sounding really creepy and I felt really bad because I was trying to be nice and comforting. I thought I understood peoples emotions better than I actually did. Whoops

[@Lexicoley1826]

@@richiecomia3696 too bad you never got an answer to your question because I can absolutely relate!

[@vixxcelacea2778]

@@Potato.00 You need to trust that if someone isn't feeling well, they will tell you. It's not on you to assume, prod or otherwise get them to say so. It's something neurotypicals also struggle with. People overestimate their ability to read others even with out being on spectrum. Your friend is allowed to be honest, lie or whatever about their feelings to you. It's also possible that they don't know themselves and aren't ready to explore it. Or, they genuinely were just plain tired. It's not our place to assume anything other than face value and it's not good social communication if they were assuming you'd see through their "Yes I'm fine" when they actually aren't. I can't stand people who do that. If someone says "I'm fine" then I will take them at their word. It's not my responsibility to figure out otherwise. I realize my phrasing was kind of accusatory/demanding. I do not mean it that way, but I'm also not sure how else to phrase it. Sometimes friendly advice just sounds like a list of demands, haha.

[@vixxcelacea2778]

@@richiecomia3696 Hi. I have ADHD/Autism and struggle with this a LOT. Still some navigation issues, but I do think I've vastly improved of the years. I try REALLY hard to listen for that pause to be able to speak, but sometimes I also interrupt because I know if I don't get my thought out, it will go byebye. I'm afraid a lot of this simply comes down to confidence, or rather, a willingness to not walk on eggshells. A lot of people on spectrum and neurodivergent folks in general tend to struggle with feelings of having their own space. What I mean by this is, you're allowed to exist, to seen, be heard, to express and share, provided you doing so isn't trampling all over others people's rights for the same thing. When you make a comment and no one reacts or dismisses it by changing subject, ask. Ask them what about it made it feel irrelevant, if it was off putting or just if they had nothing to contribute. There are lots of interactions in which sometimes a subject just feels complete or dies off, something I've noted a lot of spectrum folks struggle to recognize. The best thing you can do when you're wondering what someone meant, what they said, what they feel or if you said something they misunderstood, found off putting, uninteresting etc. Ask them. It was the best advice I'd ever heard from a friend I met online who also is on the spectrum. He said that when he started asking for clarification on anything where he was wondering "Oh no, did I say something wrong? Did they mean this or that? Are they mad at me? Did I upset them?" so he started asking when he wasn't sure. It made his life so much better, because it took the guess work and worry away when interacting with others. He did it to me when we first met because he thought I was mad at him about something. Which I was not, I was stressed about something else, but I was so glad he asked. It's also a challenge of form to typical conversation. It challenges people to be more clear with what they say, both to neurotypicals and neurodiverse, because not everyone is honest or even knows that they came across in a way that may of been confusing. You'd be surprised how many misunderstandings happen between people who are "supposed" to be good at conversing. Communication isn't a strong suit the world over. It honestly should be a class in school for everyone regardless of their neurological construction. Last bit is that, you need to take things at their word. If someone says something, even if you feel it might be different or that they're lying, hiding or otherwise, it's not your responsibility to figure that out for them. It was never your responsibility. Don't look for hidden little clues. Neurotypicals are bad at it too, people on spectrum are just worse, but both are inadequate. That's why there are a million jokes about someone saying "I'm fine" and they're definitely not fine, but you're supposed to read their mind. No one is a mind reader. You contribute meaningful points to a conversation simply by engaging and a willingness to take your portion of space to do so. It's hard, and takes practice. If you make a mistake, say something strange, get a strange reaction, then ask. The only way any of us can learn, is just by asking. It will probably throw most people off at first, even other neurodiverse individuals. It's just not how we converse and in my opinion, it's dumb not to. So many misunderstandings from small fights to complete blow outs happen because someone didn't ask for clarification and assumed meaning or intent. If it helps, you can also inform the party you are with that you are on the spectrum and that you're way of conversing and engaging might be a bit different from what they are used to and that they're welcome to ask any questions and clarifications from you as well. I find that being open and honest, up front about possible divergence is a good buffer in case anything goes unexpectedly. This also of course requires feeling that the group you are in isn't going to be a judgmental jerk, but also, even if they are, they aren't worth conversing with if they think you being a different is a reason to think less of you. It's not worth fitting in with people who would think less of you as a person simply because you process things in a different way to them.

[@Alex-gz2no]

When I got my diagnosis, the therapist told me, that I was over-compensating. I actually never thought so myself, but now I see what she meant. I'm a "deep masker", I'd say. Psychology and human behaviour seem to be some sort of special interest to me and I doubt I will ever be able to "stop masking" in that way. Analyzing people became a part of me by now and it still helps me to understand people and the world in general. Since I got the diagnosis I have began listening to my own needs more than before. I draw back when I need it, stay at home even though the weather is perfect, because I need my "safe haven". I'm being more open about when being overwhelmed. I'd say, this is the way of unmasking in my regards ^^

[@marae.martinez7239]

Alex I can relate to this so much ! When I was little I used to not talk and I was always observant, I would learn behavior from people by analyzing them. I thought that was completely normal. I thought everyone just watched and learn. As I grew up I started to develop a love for psychology, just because it it was the easiest way t understand the way we were “supposed” to act. Even if it didn’t make sense to me. I’ve just recently became aware of the autistic traits I have and it’s a whole new world to me, but also a blessing at the same time. I’m so thankful for this Chanel.

[@digitaldame2672]

I am the same, I analyse people so I know how to act. I never spoke much as a kid, but when I did they never liked what I said, hence no friends. Im like a straight forward truthful person, and didn't understand niceties and think its bullshit. When I saw a nice person, someone everyone liked, and thought I should act like them, dress like them, copy them, so I could have friends. It only worked for a short time until it peaked and I would melt down, as it wasn't me. There was a horror movie about it too, taking over someone else's identity lol! I write about human nature, the little things I see from my analysing of these people or 'humans'. I watch them, I don't understand or live in that life. Ive tried, but I can't be with them. It's really funny as Im nearly 50 and it's hit me big time, looking back on my life how many 'actors' I played. Its in my DNA, in my family, it was how Autism was originally discovered by our family. The deep masking is how I survived. Now Im seeing the younger kids coming through in our family and I see how 'flamboyantly' cray cray they are! And I see myself in them. I have learnt that we are unique. I feel akin to Mr Spock on Star Trek, having complete control of my full on empathic emotions, but not showing it. I had to learn this, I loved the Terminator, and he was a robot, and showed no emotion. So I took that persona onboard. I go into this persona, when things affect me, when people talk to me, when situations arise, and thats what they get, the mask of 'I'll be back" the terminator. So I agree that you need your space, to be you. I never had that with a household of siblings, to being in the army, to being with housemates and boyfriends etc. I didn't know how to be by myself. Be a writer Alex, write down the human behaviour, write scripts about it, write books about it. You dont have to show anyone, just write it down. Journal everything, get lots of notebooks. Paper and pens are my thing, I love the touch, sensation and feeling. You are young and are recognised. Everything that touches your senses in a positive manner is what you need around you. Goodluck!

[@imeekay]

So i’m not the only person who analyzes people? Oh thank god!😭 this is what got me on to autistic research. Apparently I’ve been doing it since high school, not really realizing I was doing it and I got called weird ALL the time. I think my brain was trying to process why others don’t think/behave like I do and why they do it they way they do. It’s like I would study them because I didn’t understand. It’s like my brain would be like “i don’t get it”. I never knew this could be/is a trait of autism. I even remember telling my boyfriend last year that I like to understand how people think. Not them. Just their brains and mindsets and why they do what they do. I didn’t know it was my brain attempting to normalize. Omg. 😳

[@jessicalarsen7094]

Same I don’t think I can stop masking. I been doing it for so long it has been put in my everyday routine. So I’m not sure how to act now. It’s like I’m having a identity crisis almost. But I find just be myself as much as I can even if that includes with masking.

[@jessicalarsen7094]

@@marae.martinez7239 I did the same . I observe a lot and love psychology. Even though I never realized I was masking. Now I don’t know how to turn it off.

[@galamander_1327]

I discovered knitting in my late 30's. It's a portable, socially acceptable, wonderfully soothing way to stim. I've always been comfortable with silence/no conversation. When I fiddle with my knitting I notice other people are comfortable with my silence too.

[@carodame9419]

That sounds great - I might give it a try

[@Htrac]

How is it socially acceptable to carry knitting around with you?

[@galamander_1327]

@@Htrac Yarn, needles (esp. circular needles) and the project fit easily in a small bag or satchel. The working end of the project only sticks out from the bag a little. You can do it standing up. I've never gotten weird looks when I pull out the needles and start knitting -- only positive comments or curiosity, if I get any comment at all. How would it not be socially acceptable? The activity doesn't even make noise.

[@Htrac]

@@galamander_1327 I just never saw someone pull out knitting in public and start knitting. It would be odd? But if you don't care what people think that's great, but I wouldn't describe it as socially acceptable, it's your choice to ignore the social conventions.

[@galamander_1327]

@@Htrac I care about, and am aware of, social graces and decorum. I've seen public knitting or crocheting frequently. Not at a business luncheon, a job interview, or an awards ceremony. I have spied it at multi-day conferences (for science writers and editors), lots on public transport, in a café, a backyard barbeque party, concerts in the park. Maybe you and I run in different social circles. I ask, sincerely, what's offensive or unacceptable about knitting? It's silent and you don't need to look at it very often. It rests in your lap and doesn't take up more space than sitting does. In a lot of ways it's more polite than staring at a smartphone.

[@recalcitra]

Yes, this is so difficult. I get told that since my diagnosis I 'act up' more and in some cases people have said they think I use my diagnosis as an excuse to behave more strangely. It's very hard to explain that, yes my diagnosis has something to do with it but not in the way you think. I'm just being more myself now.

[@dew5090]

That's expressed very well. I understand what you mean. You are valid.

[@recalcitra]

@@dew5090 Thank you! ☺️

[@ukuleleplus]

Thanks for saying it out loud.

[@SiegeBees]

Sam: Here is an incredible and fascinating look into a feature of autism I want to know more about. Everyone in the comments: Deeply impacted and connecting to themselves and others. Me with my comorbid ADHD: oooo pretty lights in the background

[@janrosauer3416]

That's so funny! I relate!

[@bramvanduijn8086]

I really enjoyed seeing them jump to a different pattern everytime a cut happened in the video.

[@brettburnside1457]

I noticed the lights too...often too much..lol.. Nancy in the 🇺🇸 love Yall ...

[@JPWack]

LOL same, I work on electronics and the best part is putting LEDs on devices, sometimes superfluously

[@Only1SapphireDiamond]

Same. I was a few seconds in and was like wow 😊such cool lights 🧐the wall almost looks like it's on fire 🤭

[@ChristopherChavez]

Never ever thought I had autism, but I relate SOOOOOO heavily to all of Sam's videos I'm thinking it's very possible I do. Pretty wild.

[@saturnthegawd]

Self diagnosis is very valid in the adult autism community.

[@melt.3568]

Relating so hard right now. What is happening??

[@Didleeios88]

Maybe it's because all the things she's describing are things all people experience. Neurotypical or not. Watching autism research go in this direction is heart breaking. We went from trying to help people with real mental illness to a personality quiz on buzzfeed. 😔

[@Jhandler99]

@@Didleeios88 are you saying that the similarities between neurotypical and autistics aren’t actually so blurred and recent studies are incorrect?

[@TheAnalPunisher]

@@Jhandler99 i'm gonna level with you, mate: i find all of this a bunch of horse shit. And it messes with the head of insecure NTs with a few autistic tendencies like the guy above. Autism should be a label only for the ones who're unable of speaking or being anywhere near another human being.

[@lifewithkailee.]

I am 22 and have always wondered why I never quite feel like anyone can understand me, or get in my head, or why people are seemingly turned off by the way I interact...and I have always been self-conscious about this. I have always tried to come up with concrete reasons why this might be, besides the obvious "I'm just socially awkward and am not sure how other people interact with each other and make things so easy"... Throughout my early teens and formative years and into the present, I have adopted many loner or occult interests. I have always thought these interests to be ... a little too deep. Something I obsess over and cannot get enough of or stop talking about for indeterminate, usually pretty long-term periods of time. For example, like you, in high school I was incredibly interested in psychology and sociology, as well as poetry and art. But I could only draw, or write, from things I could see, had an example of, or have experienced (with reference). I rarely ever spoke in class, or in group situations. I simply observed the way other people were acting and waited until someone asked me something directly. My father passed away when I was in high school, and my family was in abusive situations, so I always attributed my "weirdness" or lack of social aptitude to that. But my interests continued to develop, and I became obsessive over things like Buddhism, astrology, and plants. Things that 1. Would help me understand people, 2. Allowed me to research and delve into alone, and 3. Helped me attribute my "weirdness", again, to something concrete. I resonate with so much of what you say about masking here, because for a long while I have suspected that I am on this spectrum... but I believe that I have developed such evolved masking techniques from 1. Knowing I was different for as long as I can remember and 2. Observing other people to make myself seem less different, that I may never receive a diagnosis... But I am so, so sure that this is me. If you got this far, thanks for listening, haha, and know that if, in your heart, you know that you are different. You are not alone. This is the community I needed to find. I only wish I could have found it sooner.

[@mailstopper123]

I read this and looked to my right and stared at my charka wall art for a while... this is my experience as well and didn’t really know this was a “thing” for a lack of a better word. To think, a birth chart reading lead me here 🤯

[@yoyoyoyo-lq4jb]

Buddhism and plants are also things I'm extremely interested in!!!! I hated being interested in history and anthropology at a relatively young age (middle school) because my mom loved to brag about how "smart" I was, and I remember the weird looks from my cousins (that were my age) when my mom talked about how excited I was to find a book covering the sociology of a small Serbian village..... yeah idk.

[@lunamoth7044]

I remember feeling that way growing up as well. This is all too relatable. I am interested in plants currently and I even went through a Buddhism phase a few years ago. And then there's my astrology phase from my early 20s. That definitely makes me cringe, but I guess I attempted to use it as a way to understand people and myself.

[@EmmaJohnsonShenanigans]

Before this year I hadn’t even thought of just memorizing the way people talk back and forth to keep a conversation going. But I’ve understood Color theory ideas, singing, and musical instrumentation for what seems like as soon as my memory started

[@saintcain]

I’m not diagnosed, but I started studying people when I was 12 or 13 because I found people irrational, this was a defense to predict behavior and blend in to avoid bullying. Now, at 45, every time I enter a new social group, I study the group, learn the unspoken rules, how every one interacts, and I get along, but once I get to comfortable and get some laughs, the mask slips and I say strange things, then get massive anxiety, so, I find myself going over every conversation to analyze everything I said and how everyone else reacts. Witch always leads to me trying to keep to myself and avoiding communicating in those social groups.

[@NorthshireGaming]

6:55 - This was so relatable it almost hurt. I'm undiagnosed, I'd never even considered myself on the spectrum because what little I knew was that this was a disorder that was profound, deeply impairing, and conjured images of children screaming or crying obsessively, or banging their heads against the wall. The truth is, I obsessively dissect conversation ahead of the conversation. I methodically analyze conversation, body language, verbal cues, temperament, tone of voice, past experiences, perceived social dynamics. It's like I'm quantifying a deeply complex mathematical equation in my head, accounting for every variable, to explore every divergent path of a conversation I'm going to have with someone before I even have it. I've admitted this to and shared this with one friend in my entire life, someone who's not even in my life anymore, but I remember having that conversation with her, because she was the only person I genuinely felt could possibly understand. She listened intently, and after I'd finished explaining to what I felt was satisfactory, she was quiet for a moment, looked at me and said, "That sounds exhausting." She was right. Masking is something I spend so much time and energy on, and the complexity of that process becomes exponentially more difficult as my social interactions go from a couple people to a few or more. It's not impossible for me to compensate for, but pretty soon my quirks start slipping through the cracks, and I can suddenly come off as completely apathetic, uncaring, rude, arrogant, obtuse, argumentive, or just shut down, or I've even had full on breakdowns, where I completely crumble and just begin crying uncontrollably. The masking method works, don't get me wrong, and if I can pace myself through the social engagement (Like a party with friends), I can usually get through it without too much trouble. But it's side effect is that it's made me hyper-analytical of people, and people do find that to be unnerving. Or in the case of a workplace relationship it can cause a lot of problems. I lack the ability to turn this part of my brain off and even when I don't mean to I do it anyways. I'm not sure if getting a proper diagnosis will somehow make me feel better, or if it'll open any genuine avenues of self-betterment, hell, maybe I'm not autistic and it's just in my head. All I do know for certain is that I've been living this lie of a life, this construct of societal emulation that requires an exhaustive amount of energy on my part just to feel like I have something anchoring me to the world I live in. I'm just starting to learn about autism in adults, and the dynamics of "higher functioning autism", and for the first time I don't feel like I'm alone, and there's something deeply comforting knowing that.

[@MariPosadeNochis]

I’m crying just reading what you wrote. I have always felt the same way.

[@garethbaus5471]

Yeah, I usually simulate at least a hundred conversations in a day. The depressing part is when I am trying to plan a potential conversation with someone, who has died recently before suddenly coming to the realization that the person is dead all over again.

[@alexmmarie]

You aren't alone. That's all I have the energy to say right now. You are not alone.

[@Ikr2025]

Could you practice not masking & just being yourself? Authenticity is really likeable imo.

[@gocelotspice5766]

I can relate so much to this. Every single part of my life is something I have to carefully plan and analyze, every conversation needs to be scripted out for the billion different directions it could go. I spend a lot of my time in conversations with anyone besides my best friends analyzing facial expressions and trying my hardest to pick up on tone. I usually can pick up on it, I usually can converse relatively well (if I’m not caught by surprise) but god is it exhausting. I spend every day drained from it. My therapist tells me it’s just anxiety and I should loosen up but if I did they’d all look at me strangely. I don’t even know if I know how to stop anymore.

[@acoldhand]

That thing about using stories to experience emotional depth... YES. And I'm also convinced I would not be half as empathic as I am today if I hadn't spent all of my childhood and teen years reading. It thought me so much about how different people might feel in different situations, how different people might handle different sitiations

[@flyingaway1923]

I masked for years, all of the time. Now that I am in college, I've decided that it's not worth it. I have a lovely group of friends and an amazing partner who accept all of me, and my mental health has never been better

[@Chemilia]

Partner who accept all of you... Wow could you tell more about? How did you come to that moment... Your story might help someone..

[@anaveloso5024]

I'm not autistic but always felt like that, sort of empty inside compared to other and I just realized that ALL of my subjects when im talking to people are superficial, it doesn't matter for how long I know them, I just never talk about what I actually want. Today I noticed that all of my reactions are based on psychological facts that I've been searching for years, like "why do people say that", "is it rude to say that to someone", I've kept learning with people, I notice their reactions and make a mental note to never do that again so basically all of my answers are fake and now I don't know who I am. I grew up in a family of very emotional extroverts, I was the first and only introvert, they never understood me and never understood them but as I was the one alone I just had to fake a lot feelings, I always compared myself to them and that makes me feel emotionless but I can't stop, they won't understand me if I do that.

[@EmmaJohnsonShenanigans]

This is exactly how I would describe myself, but add the seemingly impossible-ness of speaking words and long sentences

[@happyfrenchfries]

I've never masked. Although I've been free to act like myself, it comes at a price. I never went to university and I've never held down a job.

[@Kiroui]

Thank you for this. I needed this today. I've been working with children with autism for years, it has made me realise the traits that I have had all my life. My mum having worked with special needs children doesn't believe in autism that isn't the non-verbal kind. My long-term boyfriend thought I just wanted to believe I was like these children. It feels so frustrating that the important people in your life think you are "faking" autism when really you feel you are faking being neurotypical because you are putting an enormous effort into being "normal". I am scared of trying to get a diagnosis because if the people who I spent years of my life with don't believe me, who will? Maybe I am just weird.

[@julia15206]

I got a diagnosis with help from my mom as a adult even tho she did not know what it really was. (And my sister who worked with non verbal autistic people thought that I was nurotypical but could admit that growing up with someone makes you blind to symptoms because a child would think its just normal so thats why family cant ”see” what you ”see” inside yourself sometimes).

[@Kiroui]

@@connorbee9679 Thank you Connor. I keep going back and forward with it. Now looking back I can see that I had full on meltdowns after school for most of my childhood whilst being a teacher's pet at school so my family just labelled me the naughty child. I was reasonably clever but had to get most jokes/puns explained to me. I had obsessive interests that took over my life. So should I get a diagnosis to prove that I wasn't trying to be that way? On the other hand, I'm now in full time employment most of the time and to the outside world, am a functioning adult that is doing what is expected. So should I waste the resources knowing that even if in a year's time I get a diagnosis, I am unlikely to get much help because I don't need it nearly as much as others and the whole system is underfunded.

[@Kiroui]

@@julia15206 Thanks Julia. I do think there is much more knowledge now than when I was younger. I helped out a school and saw teachers filling out autism assessment forms for some of the same behaviour I had as a child. But as I explained in the other comment, I am seen as functioning (working and studying) so I wouldn't get much support so is there any point in a diagnosis at that point?

[@julia15206]

@@Kiroui i got diagnosed last year at 25, i felt it was a bit late because it would be more helpful back then as a teen but i think it has been nice getting to relate to other people and in someways understanding myself so it has a point to me.

[@irenecostigan3623]

Kirstin S YESSS! Oh my goodness-you are soo right!👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

[@michaeljuliano8839]

When you talk about your pattern recognition working too well, this really resonated with me. I recognize patterns so well, I can tell when people aren't understanding each other (even if I'm not involved in the conversation and sometimes even without the complete context), and I can even tell you what each person was really thinking. This is entirely a skill I had to develop. Also, the "uncanny valley" thing seems to work in my favor. People take notice of me because I'm somehow different, and they seem to like me as a result. I don't really understand that, though. Not that I think people should dislike me, but I have no idea why people like me.

[@LuA-pr2wm]

Hi! I'm sorry. I know the comment is quite old, but May I ask how did you develop this skill? Was it instintive or did you train it in some way? Could I ask how if it was trained? (I hope It isn't rude to ask)

[@michaeljuliano8839]

@@LuA-pr2wm For the record, after I made that comment, I went through an evaluation, and I’m not autistic. My ability to recognize people misunderstanding each other is intuitive. Most people discard most of what other people say because once they believe they know the context, they make large assumptions about what is being said. It’s the typical behavior. I tend to see many potential contexts at once, and I sort of weigh each one based on other bits of context. In other words, I pay a lot of attention to everything. This is why the notion of pattern recognition stood out to me.

[@kerirek]

"who are you under all of that?" sending me into a spiral lol

[@jerrysims6691]

My stim is chest smoothing - I catch myself doing it when stressed. In the past: chewing of thumb hard skin, cheek chewing, twiddling ear lobe (actually I still do this), jingling coins in pocket - all quite subtle I suspect - apart from the last one which irritated people. I also hum the same song repeatedly when stressed - I think it is a rock song but truly I have no idea - drives my wife nuts!!

[@IExpectedBSJustNotThisMuchBS]

My stims were not subtle until I graduated from high school. Suddenly, I could see that my stims (I wasn't diagnosed and thought of it as nervous fidgeting) would never be tolerated in the world of work. Like you, I found less obvious ways to do them.

[@PauliendeGraaff]

I recognize this. Still twiddle ear lobe, still chew my cheek sometimes when I'm tense or stressed, chewed the hard skin on my fingers (I still pull/chip it off sometimes, and generally can't leave the skin around my nails alone), and I have this jingle/song stuck in my head for years and years now that I often feel I "MUST" hum before I start humming another song. I haven't gotten a diagnosis, but the last couple of months I am more and more convinced that I am autistic. It runs in our family, and my youngest brother was diagnosed as a toddler. I process conversations quite slowly (I'm often lost when in group conversations) and constantly think about what I should say or how I should act. Always study people and their behaviors and interactions in real life as well as movies and TV shows. I practice conversation patterns and feel lost when a conversation doesn't follow that pattern. I only see my friends about three times in a year because I feel that's enough, and when new friends start to become really good friends I tend to push them away. I can be very blunt when talking with a close friend, and can be "too nice/friendy" and not myself when talking to strangers. I switch personalities, I feel, depending on who I'm talking to. I always was and still am obsessed with dogs (for example, when I was little I literally thought I was a dog). I can go on an on.

[@cecil937]

The term stimming never clicked with me until I read this comment. I cheek chew, bit the hard skin near my nails, and tap (like on a desk or some surface that sounds cool) all the time.

[@kamille1040]

this is something I've had difficulty with. I got diagnosed when I was 13, so a little less than a year ago. And I've felt so incredibly strange when I took the mask off. Currently, I'm just trying to be able to relax whilst being with my closet family, but I feel weird when I "act" autistic. This is a side most of them have never seen before, and personally, it almost looks like I go from being 14 to about 10. Even when I'm alone, I'll suddenly notice that "oh, I'm stimming right now" and I don't really know how to feel about it. I'm trying to get used to it though, I don't want to be a super hyped-up version of me every time I socialize. And I'm sure I'll get it eventually. :)

[@IExpectedBSJustNotThisMuchBS]

Thank you for sharing that. I'm in my 60s and spent a life being a super hyped-up version of me when I socialised. I wanted to fit in and be me, but I felt like I needed to perform to fit in. Sooner not later, I'd be called weird. I hope you are able to find your calm center and let neurotypical people get on with their need to label others weird. You be you.

[@theworstdadjoke6518]

I've been diagnosed since I was really little, but I've masked my whole life. It wasn't until about last year I actually started to allow myself to stim, it can be an incredibly slow process for autistics that mask, but it becomes more second nature as time goes on.

[@booklassygarrahan3929]

Reading helped me a lot with being able to understand people. It was like having a variety of scripts with suggested behavior, too. (barring murder mysteries 😏) Over time, much of what I learned IS my behavior now, but you cannot choose how to act until you try behavior on, and you can only do what you know. Now, I keep what works for ME, but I don't worry about keeping what doesn't. Aging is wonderful.

[@fizzbee9528]

I literally yelled out loud watching this, and cried. I'm going to have to watch it again. Thank you. It's like you're saying everything I've been struggling to draw in my journal for the last few months but with clearer words.

[@jerrysims6691]

Cheek kisses - aaagh!! I've noticed more of it in the UK now and I hate it with a vengeance. Whatever happened to that neutral "hello" without invasion of my personal bubble?

[@pedroff_1]

I've had that happen much more to me since I've moved to a new town, and what makes it worse for me is that I also get confused and tend to interpret it as a flirtatious sign erroneously.

[@jerrysims6691]

@@pedroff_1 Love it. When it first happened to me I thought "Hey up? What's going on here then? I never knew I was so irresistable!!" It was just totally out of my realm of knowledge my poor brain couldn't compute it. However my immense awkwardness soon taught me.

[@really-quite-exhausted]

I have been to quite a few (UK) ballroom dancing competitions recently and I have noticed something interesting. When the results of any final are announced, the couples go up in reverse order and collect their medals and then go along the row and congratulate the other finalists who finished below you. At beginner levels, people awkwardly shake hands, but at more advanced levels, the men shake hands and the women do that awful cheek kissing thing. Luckily, (or unluckily I guess since I have never made a final) I have never been in a position where I have had to do this but just thinking about it makes me cringe. I also once went to a wedding anniversary party for a family friend in France when I was about 9. I was greeted by a LOT of French women that I didn't know over the course of about a week and Ughggghghhhhh I hated it sooooo much. Actually, that specific party was quite interesting to look back on for a number of reasons, now that I know more about autism. It's recently been pointed out to me by several professionals that I might be autistic so I've been doing a lot of research and contemplation. It's interesting to look back on stories about my childhood and what I remember in an entirely different light and uhhh a lot of things line up with the experiences of many autistic children I've read about, and make a lot more sense when viewed with an "autistic lens" if you know what I mean.

[@sandy0811]

that would be one reason why I wish I could move to South Korea or Japan. There is no kissing, just a bow....that's it!! I don't even like to give some people a handshake. Sometimes it feels disgusting (when they have sweaty hands f.e.). It's so awkward when you meet new people and they want to give you a kiss on the cheek just after the first meeting. Or when meeting someone more than 2 or 3 times, they lean in for a cheek kiss but you aren't prepared and just give them your hand. Then you try to blend in by doing what they are doing and lean in as well for a cheek kiss, but at the same time they give you THEIR hand !! I really hate these situations! I'd like to petition for a "bow greeting" in every country :D

[@gingercultleader5500]

I usually have elderly ladies touch me in the lower back and tell me how much they love my hair color. It makes me cringe and I can't imagine how much politeness I will show if my country adopts kissing.

[@BertSingels]

I masked heavily all my life. But a few years ago I got chronically ill, and that comes with chronic pain. That just takes all my energy, so there is not much left for masking. Although I do try to keep it up most of the time, cracks in the armor due show much quicker these days. It cost me most of my friends.

[@agsilverradio2225]

If that's all it took for your friends to ditch you, were they ever truely your friends?

[@mommaLG]

I am 36, diagnosed with ADHD in 2020 and in the process of seeking an autism diagnostic test on advice from my therapist. I was in the middle of having another mini breakdown with the realization that it's not just adhd. In the midst of a total pendulum swing to a self identity crisis about how overwhelming it will be to "reveal" myself to everyone and overhaul my identity inall my relationships, I came across your video. Thank you for making this content. I identify so deeply with the masking and its helped me make sense of things the chaos, that its ok to remain who I am and be accepting of the mask I've created - and if I made it, I can modify it. I thought everyone did the things I could do. People have often labeled me as being a mind reader, I'm fascinated by how people operate to the point where I've trained myself to read them like a book. Based on my research I believe my father is autistic as well and abusively taught me how to mask in a fearful response to his own misunderstood experiences. As a parent of a 12 year old (who is also diagnosed ADHD) I've always thought that my parenting meltdowns were just a result of not being a good mom. The realization that my son and I both need accommodations to help each other when we feel dysregulated has been life changing. I wish I had known growing up that there was nothing wrong with me, I'm so incredibly thankful that I know now. Caveat, I found it really cool that you talked about how we take special interest in psychology. I left my job to pursue a university degree in psych a year ago on my way to becoming a therapist 🙃 🙂 Thank you again and please keep making content, you are inspiring ❤️

[@robyncoe6441]

“I’ve trained myself to read them like a book”

[@thlcarolina]

Hello, thank you for your video. I'm working with a therapist and I think I'm close to a diagnosis now, but since the beginning I'm feeling judged by people that know I'm investigating; things like "you don't seem autistic", "I don't think you're autistic", "most people do that/are like that" and "why do you need that diagnosis so much?" are things I'm listening to quite a lot. It's overwhelming. I'm 29 years old and I have felt different and odd all my life. I'm honestly afraid people will continue to question this diagnosis for my whole life.

[@samamsterdam4301]

My Mother says those things to me as well since I've realized that I'm autistic. Now that I see it I can't un-see it. She thinks I'm "gifted." lol She is supporting me in my journey to seek a diagnosis and we are going to fill the paperwork out together this week.

[@Dwamak]

Boy, as a heavy masker, even when masking I was still weird I guess. Girls found that cute and boys did not even care :)) When I was a boy and wanted to make friends but not relating my mates in the school, I tried to find a thing to relate with them to be friends with them and find out they are fond of football a lot, even I judged football is a stupid, pointless and futile thing to give an attention to but I wanted friends otherwise I was bullied, I transformed myself less than a month the most knowledgeable person about football among them and memorized every country football league teams from Scandinavia to the Mediterranean leagues from the premier leagues to the 3rd-4th divisions, almost every footballers names, their entire careers/scores/failures, birth dates, their play styles even their shoe sizes etc. I became super popular among them but I realized I became more weird also too I suspect :)) My life full of these kind of examples. I was always suspecting myself about smt because there was a huge difference between me and with my peers every time and place. But I was never know what the autism is, even no one knews around me to consider that possibility. I saw a video about Aspergers from the guy in this videos description, then my suspitions went sky-high, 4 Months ago before my 33th b-day, I sought out a doctor for this matter and she confirmed my autism after several tests and dialogues. Then I came out from the closet and told my family their stoic, weird but intelligent, goody good but unsuccessful and somewhat problematic boy is diagnosed with autism. Then suddenly my life of pain became started to make more sense to me because I know the reasons why I am like this, feeling and thinking like this, and cherished what I am, returned from the brink of suicide. I stopped pretending and started to be more myself, all I can say about that is, it is kinda liberating even in the cage of neurotypical people dominated and neurodiversely blind world. Love your work Sam, people needs to know and became more aware of autistic people, even autistic people too. Thank you so much

[@carlosalvarado4637]

Is it just me, or it feel like we're learning so much about Autism in the past few years, that "Asperger's" is starting to feel more and more like a silly milestone placed by a blind man along a road that isn't even linear to begin with? Thank you (from Costa Rica) for the outstanding content!!

[@khas684]

The part about moving abroad so that social differences are less noticeable was hilarious - it's exactly how I've conceptualised being more comfortable talking to children & the elderly vs. my own age group. Any weirdness is attributed to the most visible, obvious difference: age / generation. Same-demographic peers present more pressure and expectation to fit in.

[@keikokukien]

I was diagnosed with ADD in 3rd grade but my parents and family were adament not to have meds or help and that I could "just practice better discipline." Now I'm mid 30s and just realizing so many things that would have helped. Thank you for your explainations! They really helped alot in understanding.

[@MaritHolm]

After recovering from a burnout that led to my diagnosis, I recently started a new job where I’ve been open about being autistic. I’ve been trying to use masking to make communication easier so that I am able to more comfortably do my job, but not to «pass» as a neurotypical person. I am different and that’s fine! I’ve also been open about needing direct feedback, and working on thinking that «no feedback is good feedback» and not spending all my energy trying to pick up hints. Very grateful that I’ve found this job. I really need to find new ways to stim however, I am destroying my fingers and face with picking. >_> I grew up with every fault and weird behavior was beat down so it’s been hard to find new non-destructive ways to stim as an adult.

[@shoshanafox727]

Hi Mariten. I have self destructive stims, chewing lips and fingers, shredding the ends of my sleeves. I started using a fidget ring. It's been really helpful so far. ☺👍

[@MaritHolm]

Shoshana Fox Thank you, I was thinking of trying those, just never got around to it. I should buy one!

[@gingercultleader5500]

I used to chew my nails a lot until my biting tooth wore down enough that it started feeling unpleasant. I still pick the skin around my nails though...

[@IExpectedBSJustNotThisMuchBS]

I wiggle my tongue behind my teeth with my mouth shut. I can do this anywhere, particularly if I'm confined to a spot... the sort of situation where destructive stimming might come up. There's also a cube for sale that folds and unfolds and it can be managed with one hand and laid out and put in a back pocket so that you can use it if you have to wait somewhere. If you have a work chair that you can tie a bungee cord to, you can put your heels on it and bounce up and down quietly. Now's the time to find your own creative solutions. I bit my nails when younger and chewed pencils and pens, and it's not just about breaking a particular destructive stim, but coming up with an acceptable substitute. (Acceptable in however you want to define acceptable.)

[@IExpectedBSJustNotThisMuchBS]

"I'm just like other autistic people." I was not focused on being unique; I was focused on how I was like others (because I wanted to fit). It's other people who are hell bent on insisting that I'm weird. I was with an autistic friend not long ago and he said to me, "Do you find non-autistic people to be generally irrational, full of drama?" We laughed. Of course I do. Ah... I was home. I have another autistic friend, however, who points out that while there may be plenty of autistic people we are in fact unique to many of the people we know because we tend to bring a different perspective to many situations, and she encourages me to embrace that. (I have, it's what kept me employed, but she means as a way to let go of others attempts to label me weird.) Our perspective is our gift. And despite my sharing that one perspective with a friend, our perspectives are not all the same. We tend to think differently enough from non-autistic people that we have something the world needs... a fresh take on many situations.

[@chloechristodoulou7025]

I relate to so so SO much of this. I actually found it a relief when I got pregnant that I could suddenly express all these very particular needs and people would put it down to pregnancy. Smells, taste, noise, needing a certain environment, it was awesome! Then as a new mum I could be very particular because of the fresh new baby, so no touching no seeing large groups of people, only enough energy for short windows of activity. Honestly the best thing ever. Even now my son is 1 I feel like I can unmask more and put it down to mum brain or sleep deprivation, even though I definitely am not experiencing either of those things. It also gets around the eye contact issue because I can be distracted and absorbed by my son whenever I want. I didn't put this all together until you spoke about moving away and how that helped. I also lived in Denmark for a couple of years and found the same thing there but never had the awareness to put it into words.

[@flutenanyidk1806]

Hand flapping and hand gestures are actually super soothing to me. Sometimes when I get intrusive thoughts or get an anxious feeling in my gut, I just shake my hands a little bit, and it helps. My friends told me they see a lot of autistic traits in me and they asked about my childhood, which according to them (they are autistic) I had frequent autistic-like meltdowns, I know I had sensory issues but I just chalked that up to ADHD, and other symptoms like that.

[@jerrysims6691]

Very much agree about the understanding of people - many of us have become lifelong students of human nature and we have a deep understanding of what makes people tick. I'm very good at assessing people within minutes of meeting them - my knowledge has become instinctual. And in fact, in a professional setting I find that I have a greater empathy in a 1-2-1 setting (more than 1-2-1 scares me mute) and people appreciate this and readily feed this back to me verbally.

[@richardaston496]

I do the the exactly the same. Struggle with processing. I rehearse conversation patterns all the time to improve my replie and help them understand there own behaviours to stop people insulting me. Very good at this now. I can shut people down or introduce them to there own behaviour pattern which makes them uncomfortable.

[@muppetjedisparklefeet2982]

To unmask I’ve tried things like holding my arms close or hands in pockets when greeting people to the don’t touch me (which totally unerves them though so I only do it if I don’t need to make a good impression or if someone knows me super well already), I stim more in public and at work and just agree that i’m fidgety if people comment on it. I also speak up more with friends, even if it doesn’t flow super well with the conversation because I just want people in my life to accept that instead of a passive quiet me. I still have to fake a lot of social niceties though because it just makes work run more smoothly.

[@cammie49]

I’m 61 and my mask was my smile. I always looked friendly and congenial…even when sad or nervous. During Covid, I realized I didn’t have to smile because I had an actual mask on. It was weird at first but then it felt SO GOOD to just have a relaxed face or express all my actual feeling! I was amazing and now I want to have my actual miriad of strong feelings on my face so I wear an actual mask in the grocery store to “mask” so I don’t have to hike that smile on my face!

[@MarrisaStrong]

My husband wants me to stop masking, but it makes me incredibly anxious to even think about it. It would be so nice to stop working so hard, constantly, but I'm not sure I can handle the fear.

[@velvetindigonight]

I masked so well all my life and the penny did not drop that I might be autistic till I was 61! I always knew though that I was not like others and that life was a huge struggle. I made a career out of studying people that is sociol work and spent many years living and working in communities for adults with learning dissabilities who were some of the most accepting, loving and easy to get on with people I had ever met. No game playing but the other community members........... This research is quite amazilng and deeply insightful; to late to change I have learn't to be human via my masking but I love having the excuse not to make loads of eye contact especially when I'm explaining complex stuff. So agree about being a 'pattern thinker' I wish I could switch it off sometimes as it is a real burden to suss the truth of someone and their relationships so easily. I liken it to x ray vision though it came in real handy when I worked in the NHS............ Great vlog. Thank you

[@makakowsky7042]

I was diagnosed four years ago, and I'm still figuring my autistic self out. But one thing i realized almost right away that i have done most of my life to mask has been to memorize reactions, so I could demonstrate the appropriate one in the appropriate situation. It is exhausting and I've gotten it wrong more often than i care to admit. As my authentic self, my initial reaction to most things is usually non-reaction. I tend to prefer analyzing what is going on, or what was said before responding/reacting to... whatever. But i was taught at a young age that this was a form of lying and deception. I now know how wrong that lesson was. So in the pursuit of self discovery, i have largly reverted back to my non-reaction, as i have come to realize that responding to any situation in a considered way is simply more honest to myself, and requires a lot less energy, (especially in those situations where i react/respond wrongly and make a person angry, or hurt). It may still put some people off, but that's something I've had to learn to live with anyway. Thank you for opening the floor for us to talk about all of this!

[@xiaco8309]

The part about really understanding people too well is spot on. I’ve read about every book on understanding human behavior and emotional intelligence. That’s partly why it took so long for a diagnosis. Because they thought I actually did understand cues and the like. But I’ve had to study this my whole life. I’m an ICU nurse now and it really helps that I’m hyper aware and understand people to a certain depth. Great video.

[@kihaakui792]

I learned to observe people using books, television and movies as well, and I can say that you're absolutely right, if my experiences are any indication. People demand you get better at reading their minds, but then get all weirded out if you do it better than they expect. I went to college for Theatre Studies and minored in Anthropology classes for fun. I was also in my thirties when I found out I'm autistic. Now I'm a substitute teacher who focuses on filling in long term special needs classes. Even with the outbursts of knowledge growing in the world, there ware way too many children growing up the way we did, unaware of how much masking they're making themselves do, or that they're doing it at all. I try to be as open as I can be, so they're experiences with masking can be more fruitful and less traumatizing than it has been at times for me, and they can be more conscience of when they want to do it or not.

[@vans14589]

When you talked about going abroad and said it hit home a little too close when reading about it.. I think this is exactly how we feel when youbtalk about stuff that we experienced identically and results in people asking "Are you me?"😅 I actually just yesterday thought about the fact that i am much "better" socially when i am in an international environment and you talking about it in this vidros is just perfect timing. Thank you so much for making the journey into figuering out whether or not I am autistic so much easier!

[@anamatich4436]

I find it easier to speak in a language different from my mother tounge, I find I can express my thoughts better and feel less vulnerable.

[@Witchclits]

So I have never felt more of a connection with another human being,this is insane to me , mind blowing even .. my name also being Sam 😂 but 29 from the US and just realizing and coming to terms with Autism and trying to understand it and my true self..( oh of course I’m over analyzing everything ) your channel has truly opened my eyes and made me not feel this deep loneliness so much I have felt so deeply my entire life.. anyway! I appreciate your posting and this video has explained so much to me..I have been so depressed and just understanding this has pulled me out of a hell hole Thank you 😊 Btw I love that sweater.. 😄

[@carriemartinez2933]

The only person I'm close to at allis my son, he's the only person I trust, hence the only person I've ever been able to connect with, in any way emotionally, self preservation i guess!! My mask never comes off, and even with it, I've always been considered too weird to be around for too long!!

[@demonizer133]

I tell jokes. CONSTANTLY! To the point where it gets annoying, even to me. But this helps me out because, in the (inevitable) event that I do something cringey, people just assume I'm goofing around and laugh WITH me 😅, not AT me 😬. But it's become so second-nature that it just shoots out like a reflex now, and I literally can't stop myself from blurting out a quip or pun as soon as I think it, which has led to some sticky situations.

[@rebeccamay6420]

Restraint during moments of intense urge to play on words and language... ugh... very difficult for me to hold back the puns! I am so glad to have a husband of like mind, even if he thinks he couldn't be autistic because he does/doesn't have (recognize in himself what i can more clearly see) certain traits. We will word-wit with each other until we're laughing so hard that our faces hurt. 😂

[@acoldhand]

I've always loved the horror genre in literature. As a small child, the first such book I ever read was a goosebumps-story about a girl who found an awesome (but cursed) Halloween mask, put it on, and found that she couldn't take it off anymore after a while, and she got really scared; only when she put on a mask ressembling her OWN face on top of it, everything was ok. It was just a story then but it stuck with me somehow. I'm still strying to mold the mask to to be a better representation of who I am, who ever that might be, because taking it off has become really really hard.

[@muppetjedisparklefeet2982]

One of the reasons I’ve always loved travel and wanted to live abroad is because it’s so much easier to be me when the social expectations are so different that I’m just seen as a weird foreigner or a weird californian instead of just a weird person. I have way less anxiety and feel a lot less pressure to fit in. I don’t fit in where I’m from so much so that when I travel people often don’t even think I’m american. Funny enough though, californian makes sense when I’m elsewhere in the US because people in every other state think californians are weirdos 😂

[@stevegreenwood7837]

funny l know what you mean l have a very similar scenario l'm from London area but been living in North Wales for last 20 yrs and l noticed even here its so much easier to be me .

[@emmamontgomery5391]

Me too! I'm from Portland, but when I was on the East Coast everyone just thought I was weird because Portland. Now I'm back and having a crisis.

[@valkyriablack1054]

I'm 35 years.. Only few days ago I found out why I am the way I am and I noticed that I never took my mask off, not even when Im alone.

[@cheesebread3]

Recently discovered that I might be autistic and the concept of masking explains so much for me. I think I’ve been doing it for nearly 24 years. I always have this feeling of “who am I when I’m not trying to perform.” And wondering how other people decide how to act. Feeling envious of people who are just openly weird. For a long time I thought I could be my mask if I just worked hard enough. But it never fit. I felt okay in some situations like with my close friends, but at work I could never keep the mask up for an entire day, I would drive home in absolute shambles. I’m self employed now as a dog walker and it’s honestly been great for my mental health. I don’t have to mask around dogs. I get to be my weird self and they like it.

[@katerinastrange1085]

I dont feel like I am myself anymore but I'm working on getting to know my true self again. I've found I do things that I had no control over or just didn't realize I have the control of. I tend to pop my jaw a lot. Other things too now I know its stimming. It's been very helpful to watch your videos. Thank you for sharing. 💚💜🖤

[@enrijens5536]

I feel like my huge interest in reading books have helped me immensely in understanding people and their feelings. I definitely agree with what you said, that it helps a lot that most things that characters are feeling is being made clear to the reader. Maybe that's one big reason why I feel so much more connected to fictional characters than people. I also wonder if the reason I may not have super in depth knowledge of my interests are that I read so much fanfiction, that I constantly get new info to take in, that I dont always get full canon details since i need to see everything else that's written first 🤔 Is there anyone else that feels like this? As a sidenote, I've also discovered resently that when i watch shows that make me excited and hype, i flap my hands a lot. I dont really do it much anytime else, if at all, but for some reason that's my go to thing to do when I'm so excited and full of energy and anticipation.

[@thbmatrix]

Yo, I've been suspecting I might be an autistic for like two years at least. But this video has shown me a lot about myself. Some signs of masking along my life that I could think about: my stepdad used to talk I was a "robot" during my childhood, or that I didn't have "inopportune meter" (that's a rough translation for a Brazilian slang, the original term is broader than the perception of the inopportune). When I was 12 I started playing chess and my coach thought he should teach me how to walk, talk, etc "like a normal person", i.e he taught that I should move my arms while I walk, a skill that took me months to "master". My stepdad also taught me how to open more my mouth to talk louder. Some stuff my parents tried to taught me, like understanding the 'timing' to talk in a conversation, also my chess coach tried, but no one was ever successful and I have problems with this yet. Anyway, I'm 33 now and realizing those things just now makes me feel frustrated. That means I've been for around 20 years spending a lot of energy in "looking normal". That's a huge waste of life! Anyway thanks for your content, I feel frustrated but I learned a lot and this is the beginning of my path to feel less frustrated someday. Congrats and thanks

[@crystaleidson6042]

Trying to learn social scripts and mimic behavioral norms - and especially mimicking the visible expression of emotion - was something I thought everyone had to do. I thought I was just really, really bad at it. Turn out it's something most people don't have to consciously learn through trial and error (mostly error). Figuring out how to inspire people to trust me enough to actually explain what they were thinking felt like I was tricking them. I desperately needed to know what I was doing that made people uncomfortable around me so that I could figure out how to stop.

[@hannahpeek414]

Yesssss! Moving abroad and hanging out with foreigners is something i've always done since I was small. I haven't yet been diagnosed, but hopefully I'll get my assessment finally this summer and know for sure. I only began thinking about why I prefer to be in another culture or with foreigners after I really began trying to analyze why I do what I do. I really only discovered how different I am after moving out of my parents' house and no longer having those accommodations and working in a job where there are a high number of neurodivergent people. My current job pushes all of my aspie buttons that I didn't realize I had. I'm quitting soon, but that means i have to go back to the US, back to speaking English, back to a culture where I'm expected to know the script and to a certain degree I do, but not well enough apparently and I feel way more out of place. Here in Québec, even though I'm Canadian (from the western,, English speaking part) I'm pretty much a foreigner. I have good French, but I don't know all the customs. And the kiss thing is so hard, which cheek do I start with? I love hugs though, as long as they're tight and I trust the person. Otherwise it just makes me uncomfortable. I usually won't initiate the greetings myself and some people have gotten it without my telling them that a friendly nod and acknowledgement of mutual presence and friendliness is enough vs having to do the kiss or maybe we shake hands though it took me a long time to learn how to do that properly and even though now I remember to use my right hand (left/right was something I really struggled with and still do sometimes) I never know if I'm squeezing hard enough or too hard.

[@jerrysims6691]

I loved being in Asia - especially Japan. They think we Brits are all eccentric, so unmasked I fitted the stereotype perfectly (short of wearing the bowler hat - far too hot!!) - never felt so angst-free.

[@goblinodds]

this whole video is just...unbelievably relatable.

[@cosmicvoidtree]

Probably one of the greatest feelings of relief I ever have felt in my life is that for all my differences, despite not being normal, I’m not alone in them. The idea that, I’m not alone, there are other people like me, I’ve been feeling so much recently after having felt so alone despite having been surrounded by people (which was something didn’t understand for so long).

[@lnplum]

The part about finding out that you're not unique, just autistic, really strikes home for me. My wife at some point even complained because I kept finding things that I have in common with other autistic people and she said I was diagnosing away my entire personality. I think she still doesn't fully understand that something can both be part of my personality and something I have in common with other autistic people.

[@Michelle-kw8dc]

The idea of deep compensation is just the term I needed. I'm still waiting for assessment, so the back and forth of "I'm autistic" and "I'm faking" is painful. I can believe so easily that I'm faking it because, like you, I've applied myself so much to being able to understand people. Socializing challenge of measuring and keeping "tasks" in order, but I still have insight into people and often notice or can guess behaviours, patterns, and root issues that no one else does. I feel so much more relieved that deep compensation is noted in an adult autism profile now. Edit to add more thoughts after finishing the video... When I first learned about autism and realized I might have it, I didn't relate to the word "masking". I felt like it was more of a skin suit I'd put on and then forget to take off at night sometimes. And I was aware of it even before, to some extent, only because I'd have these moments where I'd realize "Who am I being? I don't even like this person. I don't even think that joke is funny. I feel uncomfortable, talking to everybody here." The more I've asked myself about masking, the more I've realized that I have no idea who I really am. I'd convinced myself that I loved being around people. Yes, I find people fascinating, but honestly I don't think I actually like people.

[@yoyoyoyo-lq4jb]

I feel this. I also sometimes go into autopilot when I'm talking to a stranger or something. Then afterwards I'll forget the whole conversation, and get this bad feeling like I'm just faking and I hate it so much

[@ChristineSalus]

Hey Sam! Thanks for sharing this research and your experience with us. Both are super interesting to me. I can relate to so much of what you mention here. When I was growing up, my parents made it clear that it was extremely undesirable to be different and so I have studied others for the "right" we to be and act for as long as I can remember. My whole life I have had this underlying belief of "If they (friends, family, coworkers) really knew me, they wouldn't like me." Now I am at the point where I want to allow myself to just be me, but unsurprisingly, it's kind of challenging. I feel like I lost myself so long ago and I don't know who I am anymore. But I keep telling myself that I've been masking for almost 40 years, and that the process of getting to know and expressing my real self will take some time. And I TOTALLY get what you mean about it being easier to be a foreigner! Whenever I lived abroad, I always felt somewhat more relaxed with myself and never really realized why! I also loved studying Psychology and Anthropology. I really related to what you said about studying people so much that you kind of are able to read them better than the average person. But at the same time, there are certain types of people that I cannot read at all. They are like a blind spot to me and that's when I end up in bad situations. Sidenote...do you know your Meyers Briggs personality type? You mentioned that greetings are difficult for you. For me, the hardest part of an interaction is the ending. I'm so awkward at ending conversations. I've been told I'm very abrupt haha. But once I'm done, I don't know how to nicely segue out of the interaction. I'm just like...well...ok...thankyou...bye. haha.

[@garyfrancis5015]

Christine Salus What about masking the aspergers voice? Because talking in monotone and not empathising your voice. Because NT majority communicate though non verbal communication. So when I talk monotone I'm told that people don't know how I'm feeling. So I started aspergers voice masking. I think do I make my voice sound sadder when I want someone to hear I'm sad. If I'm excited I empathise my voice. Also body language masking. Cognitive masking. Multi tasking masking. I think I know what I'm talking about. When I write down my cognitive though process. It makes me sound crazy. But this constance though process makes me feel normal.

[@za_warudo6615]

Ohh I'm so interested in knowing the MBTI types that we have. I'm INTP! I have a feeling most of us will be xNTx types.

[@gauntlettolife833]

Well put! I have always been fascinated by personality tests. I am INTJ but I suspect like Sam I am more out going in reality but because of really bad experiences & abuse I have crawled into a Cave.....

[@Catlily5]

@@za_warudo6615 I am ENTP

[@CyAnideSiikNness]

I am infp. Its complicated but beautiful to me. Haha. (:

[@janicehersey8256]

I'm 41 and just now realizing that I may be autistic, and I relate so much to your videos. I also feel personally attacked by the example of living in another country as an accommodation move! I lived in another country for most of my twenties and have always viewed it as the only time in my life that I didn't struggle to fit in and didn't feel like the weird, awkward girl. It was freeing! It never occurred to me that this might be related to autism. I've also spent my life studying people, voraciously reading books, and researching personalities, etc to the point that I can accurately assess people within minutes of meeting them. That ability has actually made me think I couldn't be autistic as I've been researching it recently. Now it seems that may instead be indicative of masking. I'm feeling quite emotional about all this.

[@jenjenjoe3847]

Watched so many of your videos. Went down a rabbit hole last week of issues I’ve been having for a long time. One that ADHD doesn’t explain. And I relate to so many things in autism diagnosis and I score high in the tests and it explains so much from my childhood and adult life that didn’t make sense without autism as the explanation of what was going on.

[@rebeccamay6420]

This sounds like my experience-- Although I was quite certain it was ADHD, there was still a lot that didn't fit inside that box. Once I learned about autism and immersed myself in the subject, I felt as though "That Explains Ev-er-y-thing!" Now, a year later, there was still something else that didn't fit inside these two boxes either. And then I learned about how people get inadequately diagnosed with ADHD when it's really C-PTSD. And upon diving head first into the topic, THAT explained the rest of my story: Autism with C-PTSD. Adding that puzzle piece, the bigger picture is so much clearer now, and I feel whole.

[@aliciaw4070]

When trying to rediscover who I am under the mask, I have taken a journey back to my childhood. I did a lot of painting, sculpting, craft, watched all the shows I liked as a kid and connected with who I was. Then I used that as a foundation to build up my adult self. It's helped a lot. I'm still on the journey (only got diagnosed last year, although I started questioning over a year before) but this gave me a good starting point, and I recommend it to anyone else trying to work out who they are under the masks.

[@sallybaddeley6060]

I've been talking about how I think I illicit the uncanny valley response in people causing repulsion but have been told that's just mental illness talking and I shouldn't say it. I think the conversations shut down because the people it effects feel offended when it's brought up. It's no nice to have some actual conformation. I'm going to watch that video next.

[@IngloriouslyRandom]

I am on my 7th year of having a diagnosis... This masking thing is really a balancing act :) Becoming a mother really threw my autism for a loop as well.... We need more sharing of autism experience and research into our "mechanics" to help ourselves and future generations of neurodiverse people :)

[@IngloriouslyRandom]

I love how she just trails off into this "isn't this just one big delusion? How would we know" thing.. I feel like I found a kindred soul - I always end up there too!

[@AshleighMargaret]

As someone who also studied psychology, I do the same thing you do Sam! I understand people a little TOO well now, and have a tendency to essentially psychoanalyze them or their behaviors and really freak them out. It's not intentional, it's me trying to show them that I'm making an effort to understand where they're coming from.

[@slimsonite2111]

YES!

[@Popper_Drop]

I still find myself having to be very conscious with unmasking. I've gotten to have it off on autopilot a few times but some of the people around me just saying "lol you weirdo" could be enough for me to realise and recoil slightly. Even if I 100% know something is a joke it can be VERY difficult for me to not take it to heart. Then I just end up keeping that all inside because I don't want people to think I'm super fragile when they talk to me and I don't want them to feel bad for hurting my feelings.. Then there's the whole thing of emotions building up like a tsunami behind a damn before it just floods over. I like to think I'm still making progress though, never stop trying to be you in the safest and best way possible xx

[@geniedesert8130]

You should definitely do an episode on Buffy! I have been watching Buffy for 22 years now, it's still my favourite t.v. show

[@austinbrown7574]

"Acting out the part of being yourself." I don't think I've ever heard it put a better way.

[@alaksandra1979]

Well, I wasn't even aware I was masking or even on the spectrum until the pandemic began and I started working from home. I felt layers and layers of masking strategies fall away. It was recently that I found out what I was masking my whole life. Thank you for the video and the tme you put into it.

[@trinad7822]

Thank you for sharing your journey. I've recently at 42 been diagnosed as Autistic. I can identify a lot with what you're saying and experiencing. I'm still trying to figure "things out", for lack of better words.

[@garyfrancis5015]

Trina D Are you a new subscriber?

[@trinad7822]

@@garyfrancis5015 yes

[@bendo9162]

I just started watching Buffy for the first time some days ago.

[@juangarcia6473]

I grew up in such a judgmental space that I was basically in a constant state of shut down. Suppressed behavior, suppressed emotions, and hyper-vigilance. 24/7, 365 days a year, for 20 years. I have one particular memory of driving with my friend, and being particularly happy, and vocal stimming unintentionally which I rarely do regardless of masking. And the second I did she turned to look at me wide-eyed and completely bewildered. I still ruminate on that feeling of immediate regret and embarrassment 8 years on

[@thargy]

This whole video is so relatable, especially the ‘humbling relief’. I’m not special anymore is such a relief; finding autistic people and realising they’re so like me makes me feel so much less alone.

[@alanbaum8949]

Thank you for sharing! I was diagnosed at 33 and have spent the last couple of years reliving those awkward moments through a new lens, understanding that what I was doing at the time was masking.

[@BertSingels]

Watching now, but must comment on your lamp / Light on the wall behind you. I want it!!! What is it? And where do I get it 😁

[@YoSamdySam]

I knew I should have put this in the description haha. I'll try and find an equivalent to link to.

[@BertSingels]

@@YoSamdySam Thank you!

[@YoSamdySam]

If you search for galaxy lamp you should find something similar (I can't remember where I got it, perhaps Amazon DE?)

[@BertSingels]

@@YoSamdySam Thanks Sam, I'll take a look. When I find something I'll post the link. The video was another great one!

[@jerrysims6691]

Me too - aurora borealis!! Wow!!

[@kamistark772]

Watching your videos make me ask myself how I have been undiagnosed for 25 years with a sibling that also is autistic. I was always told I had anger issues, bipolar disorder, ptsd, anxiety, depression. Thank you for making sense of my life

[@GalacticGals]

I was just diagnosed at 49 years old in January. So glad I found your channel. Lots of AHA moments for me that explains a lot about the choices I make and the masking that I have done all of my life. Thank you for this. It means A LOT.

[@magpiejoneski139]

Thank you for this video. My oh my do I relate to your conscious exploration of stims. I'm a very heavy masker, and within that all my stimming urges have been sublimated into self-destructive ones - primarily overeating and finger picking/chewing. I'm a very newly identifying autistic, and for the past few weeks I've been actively trying out other stims and ordering stim toys. And you're right, at first it feels fake, like I'm I'm trying to be more autistic than I actually am (not that that's a thing). But after a while, if it's a stim I like, it's starts to become second nature, and if I notice myself starting to finger pick, I can pick up a toy and it works! Also, after you talked about flapping at home, I actually tried it (I don't think I've ever flapped either), and wow, it does really seem to help with anxiety! It felt great actually. So thanks for opening up and sharing yet another helpful video :)

[@shoshanafox727]

Yes! I bought a fidget ring and stopped chewing my lips! Yay!