48:48 I said “I love you” and just burst into tears. I was so overwhelmed i couldn’t continue. Anyway, thank you for this video. It’s really helpful. I hope I can make it through to the end next time.

Changing a “way of thinking” has never worked in my 30 yrs of life. One needs physical, concrete, tangible changes in life

self compassion exercise for mindfullness 40:00

when you see all other people want is also want to be it makes us much closer in a vulnurable way and not so afraid

God bless you.

Three insights/paradoxes of shame: 1. Shame feels blameworthy, but it’s an innocent emotion that calls for compassion. The energy of shame is a wish to be loved. 2. Shame feels isolating, makes us want to hide and avoid, but it’s a universal emotion. It actually connects us.. 3. It feels permanent and encompassing, like a solid truth, however it is only an emotion, a temporary emotion that we experience in passing, that represents a buden that a part if us is carrying. It is jot who we are. Three components of compassion: 1. Self-kindness, 2. Common humanity, and 3. Mindfulness

There are ads appearing every few minutes, and it feels very disruptive.

this was very helpful, may God bless you❤

Thank you for the exercise, it was really helpful. My shameful situation was when I embarassed a friend and myself by blurting out something personal at a club, and right at that moment the music stopped and everyone heard me yelling into her ear. That caused a tense half year or so between us, and the incident continued to circle in my head for a long time, but I never consciously tried to get back into that feeling on purpose, it would just hit me at the most inappropriate times. It's like that random pit in the stomach "oh no, I did something horrible last year and I can't take it back". (We're fine now btw, I've just never been able to forgive myself. Since it didn't cause lasting damage I guess it doesn't mean I'm unlovable. It's been almost two years and it was still the worst most recent thing I could think of). I now feel like I have more control over it, by practicing to tune into and out of that feeling. I could probably do that with all the other foot-in-mouth incidents that have been haunting me since forever. Again, thanks a lot. ETA: I've just stumbled upon your channel, I have ADHD and probably some subclinical OCD symptoms, and I just noticed I tend to ruminate on those foot-in-mouth situations a lot. I thought I have no issues with public speaking and contact (I've been on stage and an event photographer for a while, and I used to work as a bartender too) but it's actually something that's distracting me, and I've been coping with it in an almost dissociating way. I haven't worked those jobs since the pandemic and only did some occasional gigs since, but I've always had to get into a particular state of mind to numb myself. Never used any substances or anything, I don't really know how I did it. That was like my "performance mode", and I can't quite get into it again since it hasn't been a regular enough occurence. I'd really love to get your opinion on that, both the foot-in-mouth event persistance and that weird perfomance mode where you can somehow tune everything out. I used to think it's ADHD hyperfocus but then why would it it unavailable to me now. It honestly felt more like being mildly stoned, but without drugs.

Don’t know why balled like a baby through out most of this. Extremely insightful. Thank you so much for sharing. I didn’t realise I had so much shame. Thank you thank you.

Thank you so much for this video I needed this. I never felt like I shamed myself because I don’t actively tell myself I’m not worthy, but your mentioning of Trait Shame completely lifted the veil. I grew up with a history of being devalued by a parent, and also by society for being feminine and gay. That history has guided my current brain functions and is still in that state. It’s funny how the mind works. I’m conscious of why I am a certain way, but it’s funny that I can’t just flip a switch and turn it off

He seems a good person, may the spaghetti monster bless him. I feel like a c*nt, even if I know that everyone wants to be loved, it doesn't make a difference for me.

Was watching this on mid volume, had to turn this shit up

I think self compassion has turned me into a conformist

If you read this, please send your positive thoughts and prayers for my healing.

A very helpful episode both in the manner of presenting it and in the content. Thank you so very much!! 🙏💖

Exercise starts at 38:14

I know I'm feeling shame when: 1) i constantly criticize myself..i have a very sarcastic and condescending tone while i adress myself..i feel weak and bash myself for not being able to push through 2) I'm unable to take up space, make decisions that i know are necessary for my growth..for example i feel shame in spending money for my therapy..i feel shame in investing in my betterment 3) i feel shame when i try to set boundaries with other people..and when i fail to set boundaries i feel shame over being unable to do so..i even feel shame when i do successfully set a boundary..i keep ruminating over whether it was the right decision to make or i "overreacted" 4) i know I'm feeling shame when i want to hide. I isolate..stop taking care of myself physically and mentally..even uninstall social media because i just dont want to be seen or addressed by anyone

Its so difficult for me to fully trust that certain things were NOT my fault AT ALL. Idk i just feel uneasy and irritated in my body maybe because I'm used to over assuming responsibility. I feel like i absolutely did have a role to play in everything that has happened to me so far..and i MUST take accountability

You just made my life 150% better. Thank you man

This might have just changed my life. Thank you so much.

It is such a deep video, very helpful, I appreciate it

Amazing!!

29:48 thank you!

This is a wonderful, caring video. I live my life with such immense shame, which started out in my childhood from an abusive step father. Then that carried over to my first marriage and being told I was worthless and then a second abusive marriage that ended in divorce. My whole life i have felt less than, not enough, stupid, fat, unsuccessful etc. It has eaten away any motivation, ambition or drive, and it's taken away my will to live. I live with such intense envy of anyone with success, both my ex husbands, family members, even my own children...(I would never tell them this). I deal with severe depression, anxiety and debilitating OCD and rumination. I don't know what is what anymore. 😢

you are a powerful being and thank you for sharing your presence with us. i 'm so grateful that i get to hear about your lecture.

Shame is a call to want to be loved. Wow it reminded of a quote I heard when I was looking for comfort after my mom had committed suicide. It was “when people are looking for death, what they’re really looking for is love”. Love is the answer and if everyone knew want love felt like they would treat each other differently. They would treat themselves differently 🤍.

2500 years ago..the Buddhist meditation of "may I be without sadness, may I be healthy, may I heal" (heal in a spiritual manner) comes to mind. It follows with "just as me, may others be without sadness, may others be healthy and may others heal". But it must be you first. You can only wish or give to others what you have truly experienced as good and worthy. You give as per your capacity, and increasing yours allows you to gibe more. Not a radical, brand new concept. Shame is not a natural emotion, its only others that can give you shame. It's important to give your self grace not to take the shame in. ❤❤

How do you storyboard a video project like this?

Commercial in rge middle of a meditation?

25:08 This is very true, but it also sounds hilarious how he said it.

i remember being 14 and i was with my very dear best friends, and we were about to take the bus, so when it came i stepped on first and got into it but then the bus start to go and my friends instead of comiing in stayed, parcially cause the bus was in a rush and partially as a joke, cause when i looked back in the window they were laughing. And i felt so down , so so, it was like when you touch a part of your body without thinking and it hurts and you are like "i didnt know this thing was hurting"-kinda thing, so when we finally met up after they took the next bus they saw me an say hahahaha sorry the bus was rushing and also it was funny, i started to cry, with out consolation, it was so weird, like something they did resembled an event or open an existing wound or something, that even at that age i was aware of the odeness of that reaction that i knew something was wrong, and that "something" was gonna cause a lot of micro problems in my daily life and was gonna be the root of many many subtle things that i woulds have to work on

This was wery helpful :) Thx

This was great information.

Thank you! 💚💛💚

Thank you so much for this video🤍

I can't be self compassionate when I know I have done wrong over 25 years. Because it's my fault and I should have known better. There is no excuse. You make a good point - isolation is the opposite of humanity..But as an introvert I have to live in an isolated life..I don't do well with people for long periods of time.

Thank you so much.

Thank you ❤️ This truly changed everything for me.

For anyone who is interested in this topic and wants to dive deeper, I would absolutely recommend checking out Tim Fletcher's six part series on shame.

Profound

thank you

so this is my issue for so long... Thank you Doc!

35:40 I realize the behaviors that we repeat that make up feel ashamed again and again is just us proving to ourselves over and over again that we are unlovable. When that's not true and we can stop. It's not easy but we can.

This was a very kind video. However, I had gone into it already knowing my shame stemmed from a need to be loved and a fear of rejection/alienation, and unfortunately feel shame for that need because I do not believe that my authentic self is something that can be loved by non-autistic people. Being shamed for basic needs and my existence itself as an autistic person has lead to chronic shame that I just can't seem to shake. I can't connect to the thought that it's universal, because it feels like I'm perceived as different and worse by proxy. The things I feel shame about are things other people do not do, they think that they're socially indefensible. How can I not feel shame for my very existence in this way? I do everything in my power to be perceived positively but I still do and say things that other people find socially apalling and purposefully malicious, always accidentally. I've been told that shame is good for autistic people, to get them into line so that we act "normal". I've experienced the exact opposite. My life is defined by shame in a way that others may never understand because the subject of my shame is constant. I'm glad so many people connect with this video, and hope that you find peace in accepting yourselves. I suppose it just is not for me.

Thank you so much

I'm having a hard time focusing on what you are saying 😢 but I'm trying😅

The reason this problem with people's inability to communicate exists isn't just because of technology. Sure it's a major influence but the cause, it's not the youth. 13 to 30 is not the primary offender anymore. The examples are being set by people who KNEW the benefits communication and compassion had on humanity. People that didn't have the internet and social media to cloud their judgement. It's people my age, 45 and up that tend to be leading the charge straight into a dystopia they only seen in sci-fi movies.

This was such a powerful video, thank you so much

i dont know if anyone balled their eyes out from this but i did