195: Things Parents Of Multiple Children Overlook

Today we’re talking about some of the biggest pitfalls around big families or families in general, as well as some warning flags that the health of your family may not really be that healthy in the long term. It may show up later if we are not in tune to some of these little stages of development or some pitfalls that we can fall into as parents or overlook when it comes to raising our children. If we see themes that are consistently showing up in families where the children aren’t talking to or resenting their parents as adults, we start to question what can we do when it comes to parenting our own children that sets us up for having a rich, encouraging relationship for life and our children not feeling like we messed them up. These are just some things that have stuck out to us.
It is extremely necessary to be vigilant as a parent day in and day out. If the Lord has given us these children to steward, He is also going to give us the grace and wisdom to be able to raise them. Once we become a parent, we are always a parent. It’s not over at 18 or when our children get married and leave the home. A parent that is always there when you need them is an incredible gift to a child at any stage of life.
We think the number one pitfall in families is ultimately parents who don’t have a humility before Christ and a dependency upon Him and think that they have all the answers. God is the only one who can guide us in this way with our kids. It’s not a program or more people would be doing it right. Parenting is a big, long and exciting journey. It’s filled with so much joy, as well as so much unknown as to what is going to happen. Being aware of these pitfalls and warnings can hopefully help you along the way to be a successful parent in the days ahead!
Things mentioned in the video:
- "The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts" by Gary Chapman - amzn.to/40rH6FV
- Screen Free Family Evening Routine // Winter 2023 //Family of Six - • Screen Free Family Eve...
- "When your Child is 6 to 12" by John Drescher - amzn.to/3HjZ3NF
- Chad and Jenise Johnson's (Katie's parents) Newlywed Workshop - newlywedcoaching.com
Bible passages on parenting:
- Deuteronomy 6:7 - "And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up."
- Proverbs 22:6 - "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it."
- Ephesians 6:4 - "And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord."
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TimeStamps:
0:00-2:22 Intro
2:23-10:30 Refuting Poor Sentiment
10:31-13:211 More Intentionality with kids
13:22-19:01 Checking Motives
19:02-22:50 Parenting By God’s Standard
22:51-30:10 Considering The Order Of Children
30:11-37:30 Elisha Needs a Date Night
37:30-53:00 The Middle Child
53:01-58:16 In Summary

[@emilybach]

One of the best things that my Dad did for me was to take me on a road trip, just us, for 2.5 weeks when I was 12. I had done a lot of things with dad when I was younger, but by the time I was 12 I was starting to feel awkward and wasn't getting as much time with Dad as before. That trip, traveling across the country, strengthen our relationship and helped secure the trust I had for him. That trip is probably my most treasured memory.

[@emilyblaisdell2073]

New-ish listener here. Mom of sons, 25,23, and 20. Don't ever stop sharing. You both have so much wisdom. You're a light in this dark world!🕯️🕯️

[@mountainmama7155]

A simple acknowledgment of wrong done, as a parent heals a majority of small wrong doings. My eldest are almost 19 and 17&1/2. I have repeatedly apologized for mistakes I made when they were small. They are so forgiving and understanding. I have a wonderful relationship with both of them. Allowing our children to just be who they are, without having major expectations about what they will be when they grow up, takes so much pressure off our children. When there is a close bond between mother and child,they tend to not resent helping or babysitting etc. Hugs, kisses, encouraging words,an occasional outing, and being willing to listen to our children, these are the main things. Writing encouraging little notes to a child goes a long ways. Or drawing a little picture for a small child. It doesn't take lots of money or big gifts etc. The Father has protected and covered when I didn't realize what was needed. Pouring our love into our family is what children need. ~Mom of 12 who isn't perfect

[@emilybach]

My husband and I have come to the same conclusion about making sure that WE are parenting our kids and not the older ones parenting the younger. My husband is #2 out of 15 and he had to do a lot of parenting with his little brothers; diapers, discipline, babysiting, school work, etc. We don't want that for our kids. I do want to be more intentional with our kids and what I want them to learn. Thank you for the challenge and the feeling of relief at not being the only ones to notice some of these things.

[@klecianetz2113]

I totally agree on older siblings with littles. I had 6 kids - 3 older and 3 much younger. I made sure they weren't the parent, I tried not to rely on them too much for childcare, they did help me out especially when I had a newborn and a toddler, but I tried to do at least 90% of childcare things and all parenting (if kids were playing up etc). My kids all had household chores, but I was still doing more of the chores than them or at least as much as all 3 of them combined. As adolescents, I taught them how to cook, for example, by working alongside me in the kitchen (usually individually with me), once they were teens and capable of cooking on their own, they often cooked one meal a week each, and I cooked the rest, unless they really wanted to cook a certain dish or help me. When they left home they knew how to take care of a household, and the basics of looking after little ones. I made sure my older kids did not miss out on things because of the younger ones. I was the ones looking after the kids out the back whilst church was on. I still took them to youth groups, bible studies, camps, swimming lessons, concerts, etc and let the kids socialize during and after with their friends and not look after little ones.

[@myahgormley9788]

You are awesome!!! Great work.. I hope to this with all my (God willing) future children

[@EveryPeachInReach]

Good mama ❤

[@ashleysmith42]

Mama to 8. Such a great reminder to keep leaning in to mothering my littles. My older children are blessings and helpful and we have to be very mindful to not take advantage of them. They all deserve a childhood.

[@wearethewarfs8056]

I appreciate this episode so much. I’m a mom of seven children ages ranging from 15-6 months. I agree with a lot of what you said. Most kids from ages 6-12 will generally just want to please you.. but you need to get after them intentionally. This is so true! Loving the relatability I have with you guys.. it’s much needed in a time where a lot of people (Christian’s included) bend towards what the world says is just “the norm” Katie, I love when you talked about large families not being a burden, but a blessing. That if God blessed us with these children, He will give us the grace and wisdom to raise them. Preach.

[@mountainmama7155]

You ABSOLUTELY can mess your kids up!! BIG TIME!!! My husband's parents practically destroyed their 7 kids. The worst thing is, to this day, His mother still makes light of very painful things she did to them. It's absolutely appalling! Not 1 of those kids really want to be around their parents. Their grandchildren also don't want to be around them. It is incredibly sad.

[@thankyouiloveyou]

I didn't realize "big happy families" were a thing until I discovered your content.. My mother was #3 of 9 children in a big Irish catholic family. She came from a mother who didn't know how to raise "siblings." As a result, my mother has non existent relationships with most of her brothers and sisters and even her own mother. Appropriately, my only sister and I had a tumultuous relationship with each other until we grew older and realized our own mother didn't know how to raise siblings. We are now best friends and continually working on breaking generational cycles together! We recognize that our mother did the best she could with the tools she'd been given and we love her for who she is.

[@Mamato3]

Any tips on how to foster a good bond between sisters from a young age?

[@thankyouiloveyou]

@@Mamato3 I think it helps to eliminate language that perpetuates competition and embrace each girl's individuality. Encourage them to be silly together and put them in situations where they can create core memories together!

[@Mamato3]

@@thankyouiloveyou thank you! ❤️

[@Mamato3]

@@thankyouiloveyou I wanted to come back to this comment to let you know that my husband commented yesterday about how the girls were getting along much better in the last week. I told him I took a stranger's advice on KZbin haha! Thank you so much for telling me to let them be silly together, because it is working so well!!!

[@thankyouiloveyou]

@@Mamato3 that warms my heart so much! I just gave birth to my third baby (second daughter) in September and I know I will have to look to my own advice when the girls get older together! Sisters are such a blessing! Im so grateful for your feedback xo

[@theswampstead559]

Thank you so much for this. God is speaking directly to me through your words. I just had my 3rd baby, 3 weeks ago and I've been feeling so guilty that I'm ruining my children, that my other kids aren't feeling loved, feeling left out, etc. Thank you so much for doing what you're doing and being led by the holy spirit. 💙

[@savedbygrace6108]

I think it’s important to remember that many parents are coming from emotionally and mentally destructive homes themselves and so their max effort will look different from someone who has much more internal health and capacity. It doesn’t make that parent a bad parent when they are not equipped with all that both of you were very blessed with. Many parents are survivors and learning to thrive- it takes time to rewire your brain, your emotions to change, stress, trauma, anxiety etc. is I believe the reason for why so many parents appreciate the message that “if I’m not as excellent as the parents who grew up in an excellent environment that built them up and didn’t tear them down like the environment I grew up in- then my kids will still be okay as long as I am doing the best I can.”

[@ashleychilders9639]

I agree. But even these parents should press on in Christ to higher standards for their family. I think a big part of that is them actually doing biblical counseling and working through their issues and having accountability in the church. People who love them and know their story but also are willing to speak the truth in love when necessary. I’ve experienced when Christian parents use their past as an excuse to not be faithful. It hurt but I do believe God is good and loves them and me. I just wish they did try harder and let people in to help.

[@ashleychilders9639]

I think realizing that it’s not about perfection but taking responsibility. If your trauma causes you to explode on your kid that’s your responsibility and you need to apologize and explain it wasn’t their fault but yours. I never was upset when my parents made mistakes it was when they didn’t take responsibility and see that I was the child. If a person has kids they are responsible for them. Not saying anything of this directed to you just giving my thoughts/experiences

[@savedbygrace6108]

@@ashleychilders9639 💯 I agree with you. It is a process and can be a very long one but we do need to enter into the process seeking to become more Christ-like- well said❤️

[@jamieledbetter2690]

This was so helpful! As a mom of many, in the beginning of my parenting journey, I focused on systems and order. Since I came from a broken home and didn’t know much of anything about families. As I have grown in my ability to be present and observe the unique personalities of my children. There has been more intentionality. You must have both, order and knowing your children’s heart. Thank you for the encouragement and warning❤

[@lindseychristenbury381]

I love Elijah's tangent! So true and such a needed reminder!

[@laurenboudreaux3236]

I can totally relate to Elijah’s tangent experience narrations. I do that allll the time. It’s trying to explain the depth of our hearts on topics we see as very important. It’s trying to explain an experience with words. It’s like how to explain the connection of dots. Sharing that internal emotional, spiritual, physical connection all at once usually I sound just like him.

[@Emily-es6zo]

My favorite part of the podcast is when either of you says “What is that verse?? What is that quote? Who said that??” Haha love the podcast. Young mama to 3 kids under 3 years and wife. ❤️

[@diversekakes]

Loved this! I would love for you guys to do one of these podcasts about dealing with uninvolved grandparents.

[@terrybain828]

I liked Elisha's comments about being intentional about making your relationship with your spouse a priority by investing time in it, even when it means letting lower priority things go. The good is often the enemy of the best. I do think this relates to parenting in the sense that there is no greater gift you can give your children than the security and joy of knowing that their parents love each other. As important as quality time with your kids is, they need to see that the relationship you have with each other is even more important to both of you.

[@laurens8623]

I really appreciated your accurate and kind interpretation of middle children being one

[@creativereindeer]

Really valued the tangent! Guys thanks so much for taking your precious time and energy to make this a nicely edited online resource. I’m in London and really value your thoughtfulness and gentleness as you honestly share your experience and ideas. Much to talk with my husband about before we become dad and mum (or should I say mom!!) Thank you.

[@alumniadri8716]

I think good parenting starts when we admit we don’t know what’s best. Knowing with absolute certainty that God does. And asking The Lord for help. Having no confidence in ourselves but only Christ and what he can do and be in and through us. The hardest part of parenting is getting yourself out of the way and letting God be in charge. We’re out of control. But God isn’t. -Mom of 5.

[@dhvh6580]

As a mother of 8, I want to say THANK YOU for this very wise discussion. I really, really appreciated your perspective on this and it helps sharpen my focus!

[@aliciawarren257]

You guys inspire me every time I listen to what you have to say.

[@valmllr]

Thank you so much for sharing your grounded wisdom! Without having my own parents to look to as examples, I soo value hearing from your experience of having godly parents and growing more intentional yourselves. I feel God is using your conversations to take away the strong fear I have of commitment and potential parenthood, and turn it more towards joyful trust in His guidance and strength.

[@nika...]

Haha the date night analogy/tangent/ deviation in the convo WAS for sure my fav part haha .. Katie said Elisha’s tangent/deviation would be people’s fav part. She is correct 👍

[@dubosesjoy]

Just a random thought: I recently listened to your modesty episode about not being loud and flashy in style and dress. I do feel like the “Now that we’re a family podcast” theme intro sounds like you’re about to do a smack down at a rowdy physical challenge instead of a grounded, intellectual, & gentle conversation. Maybe you could change it to reflect your peaceful conversation? Just a thought. I think it will reflect your values. I enjoy your content. 👍

[@alisongriedl205]

I’m a fairly new listener and really enjoy your content. I appreciate your approach to parenting and your relationship with each other. Though I agree with you that our society accepts mediocrity, the term “fed is best” has to do with the struggle many women have with breastfeeding and saying not to beat ourselves up for using formula. I don’t feel this particular instance is an example of mediocrity as breastfeeding is a very difficult journey for so many.

[@ShesMakinDough]

Love these podcasts!!

[@biancasalas4774]

Loved Elisha's tangent 😃

[@mountainmama7155]

I cannot imagine leaving my kids to just go shopping or go out with a friend or go to work. Mom needs to be in the home when there are children in the home. Our older kids have to push me out the door to go on a date with my husband,lol. It's so hard to leave the little ones for several hours!

[@mountainmama7155]

@@user-cb8sg9py7r I think I get out enough to prevent that. Also, not every mom feels the need or even wants to be away alot.

[@alannahollier2719]

Love this video! We are expecting twins in February, and already have a 2.5 year old and definitely nervous about how I am going to give them all enough of my time, especially through the newborn days.

[@christinwillis8023]

❤ loved this!

[@aBronteSister]

If your season is past young children, hit the highlights. Lack of a script, not knowing the Biblical references given, undermined the integrity of the show. Bring on mentors who have been there and done that to really substantiate your principles. So many good points, they just needed more experience talking, giving examples.

[@whitneym861]

Enjoyed the insight! Are there wholesome resources (books/series/teachings) on the early stages of childhood and parenting? Ages 0-5? Raising a Christian family without the blessing of good examples before us is overwhelming and although the Lord is my first help, sometimes I just don’t know how to train my young child or what to do. What behaviours are normal and how to not become a “victim” from my own kids ☺️ thanks in advance for any pointers and resources.

[@TheCoffeOrTea]

Hey, we grew up in the family of 12 kids. We had a lot of attention from our parents. We had a great experience growing up together. We’re also good friends now that we are adults. But you do have to pick your battles. You do have to pick your intentionality…what do you really want to achieve ?

[@Veronica_Esterhuyse]

Thank you for sharing in openness. We have 3 young teens and 2 littles and I can totally relate to everything you talked about. As I have journeyed with the Lord for wisdom in help in parenting, these are the things Holy Spirit has dealt with us as well. Be blessed.

[@hannawatts8368]

It’s from Spider-Man! With great power comes great responsibility. I’m one of two and i know my parents would agree they were not intentional with either child. My husband and I always say we are the adults in the room. We are the ones that have to show up now. Regardless how many children you have you have to show up over and over and over.

[@elizabethbrink476]

I’m glad I’m not the only one who can’t remember things I’ve heard for the life of me! 😂 parent brain!

[@marijalomenova8579]

55:23 best advice from this episode 👍👍👍

[@lokilee1731]

thumbs up for Elishas golden nugget part.

[@laurens8623]

Hi can you do a session one day on martial arts yoga etc. since you do jujitsu. And also one on fitting in friendships when you have such big families.

[@allisonwilson7942]

"It's not a program, otherwise more people would be doing it right." I'm reminded of the Law and how the Law was a program, in a way, and no one but Jesus could do it right. Even if we keep the whole Law and stumble at just one point, we're guilty of breaking all of it, right? I know that's how I am with most programs! So take heart, I think so many more people are "doing it right" because of the power of the Holy Spirit and the grace of God and the favor He gives for the glory of His name. I'm so grateful that I can boast in His righteousness alone. I'm so glad that salvation and glory and power belong to Him. The strength to follow His commands and His character can only come from Him. Hallelujah!

[@patriciabellah9392]

If you guys would me to do a service dog demonstration I would be glad to.

[@theswampstead559]

Sorry I just have to laugh that you said "she only works 3 hours a week". 😆

[@Maika.Le-Pacheco]

Why is this auto played after my Montessori videos? What's up with #googlealgorithm

[@caterinas6863]

Where are the children while you record these podcasts?

[@CM-sy3to]

Time for those who claim Christ to lean into the 5th Commandment. What does honoring parents look and sound like? The only Commandment with the promise of long life for obeying. The only economy that claims more children are detrimental to the family is one that values money and status over eternal human souls.

[@SuperPolitha5]

I almost watched until I notice was Christian beliefs