4 Traits of a Covert Narcissist Parent

Debbie describes traits of parents who are covert narcissists.
Here is a link to the Parenting When Your Ex is a Covert Narcissist Online Course Debbie mentions in this video: www.debbiemirza.com/courses

[@jordanbabin]

The worst part about having a narcissistic parent is that you’re completely alone. Your family either doesn’t see it or they’re all narcs. The other parent will defend the narc at all costs and will place all the guilt on you

[@minad3804]

Gia~ i am in a totally different situation! both my mother and her family realized that my father is a narc and she left him. Unfortunately, she died during the process of divorce so I ended up in my fathers care. A year later I got a step mother and she shielded me a lot from him. My uncle ( my fathers younger brother) realized too because he accidently started watching a doc series on narcs and recongnized that behavior in his brother. My step mother, my uncle and I all currently suffer from consecunces (pretty sure I spelled that wrong but fuck it) of narcissistic abuse but we are getting better.

[@MsOthomson]

So true

[@jessiesantos3734]

Exactly!!!

[@kandikisses8858]

Yes. I want to have a relationship with my younger sister so bad but it can’t exist because my mother plays victim and my sister always takes her side. Even when my sister knows that my mom is wrong, she’ll still support her.

[@rose-tf3hn]

Heres the thing im 12, and am 100% my parents are. Iv known how they are, but iv noticed this from a young age justifying them because they where working for me. But They way they move, the tone. We got into a fight, abd they pretended to call the police after i had to kick my dad in the face. But i knew and stood up for myself for the first time, i felt like i had a panic atack. Im glad i did it. After though my mother went crasy, saying that " it was over" but my parents just baounce of of echother and are acting nice again and im scared for myself.

[@youbxo]

i’m crying because for so long i thought i was crazy and that the problem lies within me. this changed my perspective on everything.

[@debbiemirza1744]

I'm so glad to hear that! You can exhale now. You are a beautiful soul who deserves love and respect. xx

[@tiarashaniece]

Same

[@NT-is8pv]

It’s amazing how they convince us that we are crazy and it takes 20 or 30 years for us to figure out we are not the crazy ones. It’s just sad and it gets in tbe way of our development... I wish this was common knowledge so it could be caught early and we could develop the way we should have ... I’m still figuring out who I really am... and no one around me understands. They just say “ but your mom is so nice and friendly “. Lmao. ... she’s an actress

[@lonilocoesque]

Been there, stay strong brah!

[@Iron_Wolf_365]

@@NT-is8pv It is amazing! I believe that books like this one, Facing Codependence, and others should be required reading in classrooms everywhere. This, to me, is more important than memorizing the periodic table.

[@littlepuffxo]

I feel as though I am expected to pay off some kind of eternal debt for being born

[@debbiemirza1744]

Oh wow. That's such a great way to put it. xx

[@tommcewan7936]

That's because covert narcs decide to have children for themselves, and expect the child to meet their emotional needs; healthy parents decide to have children FOR THE CHILD, and take it upon themselves to meet the child's emotional needs. Shortly before I finally gave up on her altogether, I somehow summoned up the courage to ask my mother "Why did you even have children?" Her answer was, simply, "Because *I* wanted them," and she refused to discuss it further. The emphasis on the word "I" was hers, and I just can't do justice in mere text to the sulky, petulant way she spat that word at me.

[@ariec6325]

@@tommcewan7936 I asked mine and she said "I don't know". I have 6 other siblings and none of them want anything to do with her. She uses gifts and sends them randomly on random dates as a way to "reach out" so she can reel people back in. All it does is cause pain for all of us because we don't want to think about her or remember her. She used my brother the most to "help her" get through fights and arguments with her husband and he was the first one to cut her off. When he turned 17, she kicked him out of her house because her new husband who she knew for less than a year didn't like him. It's just such an awful thing to experience and I feel so much empathy for you and anyone who has had to go through this.

[@rationalmystic5]

So so well said. Amazing.

[@littlepuffxo]

@johnny five not religious so nah, sorry

[@gothica3605]

"Youre lucky to have a mom like that." Me: *GAG* 🤢

[@angel772921]

She died 2 months ago ..no tears shed here....I have suffered enough and cried enough......thank you Debbie..much love to you. .💖

[@tash2166]

Good for you...stay strong

[@MrsPaulaTorres]

enjoy thy freedom Angel :)

[@Shelbyville_TN_lover]

I haven’t shedded a year for my “sick” father. I cut my enabling mother and golden child brother Ioff 1.5 years ago. The only time I’m contacted by my family to to tell me how “sick” my father is. When I don’t have “a freak out” over his so-called illnesses I’m berated. I have no feelings for him anymore except anger. I don’t plan to attend his funeral, or anyone in my immediate and extended family. I’m not interested in ever seeing my dysfunctional family again, not even to say goodbye. I too have cried enough, in progress of grieving still, and have said goodbye to them all in a letter.

[@packaapunch]

@@Shelbyville_TN_lover damn dawg that’s pretty rough hope your still doing good

[@Shelbyville_TN_lover]

@@packaapunch thank you for your kind words. I’m much better now having gone no contact. And I have the long lasting advantage of not being the golden child. My parents are very co-dependent on my sibling who won’t leave home and start a family because my parents “need” him. It’s really sad but I’ve made a commitment to not let their problems be my problems anymore. Not my monkeys, not my circus 😀

[@annaharward9295]

Don't you just love when your parents try to use the legal obligation that they had to fulfill to keep you alive as a means to keep you serving them for the rest of your life and or an excuse to further their abusive Behavior?

[@karabreslin8034]

Yep.. I had my stepdad tell me that I owed my mother my life and even my mom looked at him weird

[@deasyastarr]

Just had an argument with my dad about that yesterday and I don’t live with them anymore. “I could have had you in a bad neighborhood, I could have left you on the street” we’re the words he said when I just wanted him to understand me.

[@kimberlyrain]

My mom would throw this in my face anytime I made the slightest mistake. She'd lecture me until I cried eventually just ended up having anxiety attacks and crying in private but she still knew it affected me. The day this stopped working, she's still angry about it. She wants to see me cry...and it wasn't until now that I can truly understand why I don't like crying in front of people...I knew she fed off it

[@RoniMogy]

Yes like you said it fuck all nars!!!

[@Barbara_Banks_1]

Lol. I laugh a little looking back because, Yes my teenage friends would tell me how lucky I was to have a mom like that. She’s nice and so cool!! What I would tell them was, “yeah, you think shes cool and nice. It’s an act. You don’t know what she’s really like.” Even tho, I didn’t understand this at all, on the level I do now, I knew there was something fundamentally, very wrong with my mother. But yet, being the family scapegoat I was later convinced that I was the source of all the families problems. What a life..eh?

[@TheLicktysplitz]

Sorry you went through that

[@jcook899]

God that sounds terribly familiar

[@user-hy4xz1qt9h]

1st child lifestyle

[@sadiaq1693]

I'm the only child this is so relatable. People told me you're lucky u must be pampered.

[@6955beniegn]

@@sadiaq1693 i was the only child too of a narcissistic mother too

[@SunnyDeeTee]

Wow that first one... the parent totally changing when the child starts growing up is what happened to me. I always felt like my mother was a good mom till I was about 11 years old. After that she completely changed and I felt as if my mother had died.

[@kristinnoguera8632]

Sunny Dee Tee omg same thing happened to me!! My mom was an AMAZING mom when I was little and then turned horrible as an adult. Like awful.

[@christiemagi8939]

Mine would also pull away if she was married.

[@unapologeticella4540]

The older I got the meaner she got specially about my appearance weight etc )until on December she left me homeless even on xmas i was 24.

[@amypattie7004]

Fffffuuuuuuu I feel that when I was a teen also

[@alexhall8669]

Hi Sunny, I would be really interested in talking to you about that. Sorry, if that feels upfront. The reason being is that I have two young daughters (5 and 2), to a wife I suspect of being a covert narcissist. One aspect that I am having troubling with is that provided her mood is ok, she is a doting and caring mother to our children. She can snap and I have to step in, but she does want to take care of them, one could say too closely. I would love to understand how that develops as my children age.

[@sh236]

LOL'd right out loud at "they're saying the words that they care but you leave just feeling all this fear and completely disempowered". Yes! I was very young when I disconnected my entire feeling apparatus because I couldn't deal with the internal emotional split of hearing one thing and feeling another.

[@LoveLysschannel]

This video brought me to tears. I have always felt so alone and confused with the relationship with my parents. I realized I always feel the way I do because I have never felt unconditional love. There is so much more conflict and turmoil I experienced that I now recognize was abuse.

[@ElectricMaryJane]

LOVE Lyss you're not alone, and the fact that you're realizing all of this makes you even more wiser and stronger xx

[@jennesimser]

Love Lyss It’s so great that you’ve gained this awareness and now you can start giving yourself the love you deserve since now you know you are completely loveable and worthy of love. I’m working on it too and you are not alone.

[@DanielaL702]

Wow you just described my mother.. I thought I was the problem.

[@tiarashaniece]

Saammmme!! Thus just flipped my world upside down!

[@a_way7340]

Me too always unhappy and stressed out because of my life choices even though there is noting wrong with my life it is just not perfect by her definition and always worry because she loves me some much and wants the best for me 😃 never remember really asking me what I want or how I want to live. Always felt guilty about being horrible daughter and yes my friends thought she was great 👍

[@ashchickify]

I'm 30 and just figuring this out 🙁

[@vampireslayer1989]

Yep. We are trained for codependency and to be nice. My mother always blamed her children for her life misfortunes. She never took an interest in our schooling. Later in life she was jealous of her children's success (and celebrated the one who failed). I wish I'd know all of this in younger days. She died alone kicking and screaming in hospice. Very sad.

[@vampireslayer1989]

@@julienewkirk7088, Going "no contact" and understanding the roots of your "codependency" are key. It is NOT you. Stay strong and give it time. Do NOT be afraid to call her out when she puts on the "poor me, I'm better than you show". I am four years on from my BPD and my mother has been gone for three. My head is clear for the first time in my life.

[@phantomvampyressshadowkiss4690]

My mother in law is a covert narc. They make their kids critical to their spouse . They also have indirect control in their adult child's life

[@runningsrage5895]

My mother would alway tell me I'm spoiled, selfish, lazy, and ungrateful. It's always something with you, It's not all about you, and you always bring up the past. She would always say hurtful things since I was a young teen/child. She always brought me down and made me depressed & lonely. I would go to my room when I felt this way. I never told my parent for years about how I felt. Even after telling them they were still the same because they were narcs. They still didn't really have much sympathy for me. Telling them pretty much just got me meds and therapy that's it. They never cared enough to sit down and actually talk to me with my depression. ok so after awhile of being depressed I start acting angry around her and my narc dad. It was like just being around them made me angry. I was always angry around them not knowing why as a kid. I always thought it was my fault for being an angry child but now i know it's my parents who had a hand in turning me like that. They always made me feel like I was the burden on the family and caused all the issues. I had problems but they didn't. They would make me feel that my angry started everything. This whole time I just felt unloved and lonely hoping my parents would come around to my room more saying they loved me. They always expected me to got to them to love them and hug them and such. I always had to go to them they never went to me. I was always the one listening to my mom's issues but when I had issues no one listened. so a a kid I know that all I really wanted was a change. I wished our family was better and that I could be understood as a child. I wanted someone to talk to me about how i felt as a child but no my parents weren't there for me. I didn't think my parents would be any help and I have to say I was pretty much right. Also I do think my mother and dad changed when I got older. Once i start having more opinions about things my mother always tried to make me listen to her more. She would say if you do this I will tell our other family members. She also said i will send you to camp if you don't change your attitude. When I expressed my feelings or opinion she would say stop making me feel bad, I'm tired and don't wanna talk about this, I'm sorry you feel that way, I'm the boss, I'm the parent your the child, You should have to listen to me, and I'm not going to argue with you. Most time I just wanna talk to her but after being ignored so many times i got mad because I just wanna be heard. In the end I would always have to say sorry for everything even if she was at fault. Also I would just like to say all these traits are literally describing my mother. well anyways I'm getting therapy right now and I feel somewhat better so far. I've been pouring out years of things trapped inside me that I wanted to talk about. It really is helping. so my mother wanted to be in my therapy at first I was like sure but then i found out she was a narc and it all made sense. I then said no because I know she would just bring out things that she thinks I have issues with from her point of view. My mother thinks I need help which I do but I'm getting help from what her and my dad have done to my mental health. I like getting therapy without my mother for many reasons. I deserve my time to talk about things. I've needed this healing for years and I don't want my narc mother in it. lol Anyways I'm sorry for the large vent.. thanks for the video It really helps all of us struggling through it all!!

[@JenniferGraceMartinez]

God bless you! I feel similarly to you. All of my feelings trapped inside for so much of my childhood. My parents are unempathetic and can be ice cold with me and my kids. I am so sorry that you have had to go through all of this and that you felt so alone as a child. I hope to God that you continue to heal. God loves you. I'll be praying for you.

[@aviniciussouza100]

Same thing happened to me once. My mother imagined that i was gay, she just came bustirng yelling "Are you gay? Tell me! I will kick you out!" After so much yelling and convicing her that i am NOT gay, she forced me to say sorry because SHE tought i was gay. Dealing with NPs is crazy! I also have anger issues because of it, so many things they have done, but it's alwas our fault.

[@nikkil6251]

This is exactly how I feel. I’m “entitled, ungrateful. Just plain rude. Always have to have the last word” etc the list goes on. Reading this comment really resonated with me now that I’m 25 and unfortunately living back at home due to being laid off at the start of this pandemic. I wake up everyday and don’t leave my room until 11am...I tend to mope around or have burst of irritation/ anger being here. I try to communicate with my mom and it’s like she tried to half listen but at the end of the day it really feels like she doesn’t give a shit

[@Ursaminor31]

Well said, I understand. I hear you. I hear your story. With all you have come to understand, focus on yourself, your life, your freedom your happiness, and please consider going no contact with your family. It will never end until you do. It will be difficult, painful and you will question yourself for years, and then one day you will say to yourself, I’m so proud of myself for loving myself so. Cub that I went no contact years ago.

[@tiarashaniece]

This is my mom to the T!! Im so sorry you have to go through this... it sucks!! I will definitely be praying for everyone on this post! We need it!

[@magicizaproblem]

Disempowering is the perfect description. Real advice uplifts it doesnt put you down or make you feel or seem inadequate. Ive come to learn this is them projecting.

[@cristinat.8639]

It's always the kid's job to fix them, make them laugh, be the partner they didn't have, be the support they didn't have...and still not be good enough.

[@mandolaa4855]

Exactly! And also they don't set boundaries to their children, they want them to be all of that

[@jenbodhi1133]

I didn’t realize until mid thirties my mother was covert narc. Everything made sense once I realized

[@ekkamailax]

The worst is abusive narc mothers. They hide behind the “women are innocent angels who would never hurt a fly” beleif that our culture perpetuates

[@poytrew8025]

Or they can shelter their son and attempt to make them believe only women they approve of can make them happy

[@HeartFeltGesture]

People need to check out what the Nazi female guards got up to. There is a groundswell of exposure happening in the last few years with regards to narcissism. Until recently, modern psychology only had a vague understanding of the spectrum of narcissism and the impact on its victims. Information and case stories are flooding in from all around the world in the forums of therapy / covert abuse / Complex PTSD / evil / demonism / psychopathy / sociopathy etc The narcissist cover is being blown, I am encouraged by whats happening, the fog confusion is lifting for many abuse victims, who can suddenly see their toxic family dynamic, like a hierarchical diagram showing the Narcissist at the top with enabler parent by their side but lower, then siblings and the scapegoat at the bottom. Groomed for abuse by the family of origin, the scapegoat then attracts and tolerates mistreatment from nearly all relationships they are involved in, especially romantic relationships. The covert narcissist parent has transferred their same and pain to the child, using the child like a pain storage unit / trash can. They use dehumanization techniques in order to make it easier to justify the abuse. The narcissist parent selects the scapegoat as something they own, an object they created and can therefore do anything with they like. They make you feel indebted for existing, a burden, unwanted, lucky to be alive, instilling existential guilt from a young age. Criticized and bullied, shamed and made to feel self-conscious and ugly. They deliberately keep you unprepared for life, offering little information about other people or the dangerous nature of the real world. They dont teach the scapegoat any life skills, they want you to appear defective to others, they want you to struggle to function and then criticize you for struggling and tell others the stories of your failing of proof of your defectiveness and try to garner sympathy for their plight with their "problem child". They smear the scapegoats character to the other family members to brainwash them about the scapegoats character, triangulating the siblings to betray each other and gossip about who ever is not in the room, creating rivalry and resentment to ensure the covert narcissist has every one in their corner making it easier to manipulate the entire system to play by the unspoken rules. The smear campaign includes extended family, the scapegoats own partner, friends, bosses, workmates etc The covert narcissist works to ensure you receive the same familiar treatment from all of your relationships, so that you begin to attract that sort of treatment from others and tolerate it as normal. They make you feel like any mistreatment you receive is somehow deserved. Then you have evidence of the "kicked dog" syndrome, being in constant fight or flight mode on high emotional alert, flinching from an expected "kick" when meeting new people, a crippling social awkwardness, a shy, shameful, sheepishness which is hard to hide and nasty people pounce on. Infantilization tactics are used to keep enforcing the parent / child dynamic regardless of the scapegoats age, refusing to validate the obvious maturity of the scapegoat and relate appropriately as an equal, always attempting to erode any confidence the scaepgoat may be developing, subtly condescending remarks and advice are constant.

[@ekkamailax]

@@HeartFeltGesture the only people who will beleive what is scapegoats went through are other scapegoats. The narc parent is so dam good at portraying a compassionate image to the world, no one (except other scapegoats) beleive the horrors that went on behind closed doors. Success is the absolute best revenge. Use your talent to create a business or investment strategy, get rich, use the money to buy your freedom so no one can ever have power over you againz

[@nivledamh]

I got mentalily drained just listening to her!Can only imagine what these kids go true!

[@yourlocalgod6072]

nivledamh you wouldn’t wanna know

[@sydneyjohnson1336]

When you started talking about the red flag of a parent being disempowering and discouraging through the lens of perceived help, I felt like you put words to what I have struggled with my whole life when it comes to my relationship with my mom. Any time we have a conversation about my life or my decisions, I always walk away feeling crushed and like I'm not a mature, responsible adult. I feel like my confidence has been obliterated and that I don't know how to do anything. And there's always so much fear and uncertainty surrounding our conversations that makes me question my every decision. But then when I share my dreams and goals with other people, they are so encouraging to me and I can tell that they genuinely believe in me, and I actually feel loved and therefore naturally feel more confident.

[@iamlight1]

I stopped being amazed by hearing someone describe my mother so well like this. The first time my eyes were opened my jaw was dropped to the floor and I felt a ton of brinks fall off my shoulders and then a grieved realizing it wasn't me all this time and that there was definitely something not right with my mother. Yes, everything is on her terms and you are not an individual with your own thoughts and feelings and journey is absolutely something she isn't capable to perceive and respect. My sister was the Gold-child and it was so painful to me to be the scapegoat but I realize this affected my sister negatively as well in terms of her own identity too. Thank you for your video so spot on. The journey to finding who we truly are and our worth and self-value is on.

[@WhipRunner]

"everything is on her terms and you are not an individual with your own thoughts and feelings and journey is absolutely something she isn't capable to perceive and respect. " i realised this a few yrs ago- and recently the reason behind all this - im 32 male and what the media and press calls "an incel" or 'basement dwelling millenial'. In the midst of abuse (narc father enabling mother) and constantly charting to get out. Yes the Golden Child is my younger brother (he has the job and got to blossom creatively) is also someone im concerned with as he is constantly gaslight ( he could be next) and I see him stagnating professionally - if at all you did - is there something we can do to help? Thanks.

[@kimberlyrain]

@@WhipRunner well incel is someone who expects sex from women and see women as objects who owe them something....so no you're not an incel but I'm 18 and have been plotting my "escape" since I was 12.... only recently could I start this plan because I wasn't allowed to work -and would be blamed for not working, etc- ... am set back because I have to pay her $500 a month so she won't kick me out but it's just gonna slow me...not stop me....I've always felt that whatever I did would never be "good enough". As a child I was expected to act and think like an adult, the slightest "mistake" and I'd get the 3rd degree until I was crying and having an anxiety attack. -i remember being 6 years old and lectured about needing food and clothing and a roof over my head and how dare I make her life harder, how dare I need more than basic survival needs- ...I know your comment was 2 years ago but I hope you've gotten out.

[@kimberlyrain]

@@WhipRunner golden children will see when they want/need to see. I mean they have always seen it. They've seen the extent of the abuse deeper than anyone else could possibly imagine and to protect themselves from the trauma of realizing they aren't that great and to protect themselves from receiving that same abuse, they will stay "blind".... it's up to them to get out

[@angelasharp6869]

Spot on accurate! Thank you for confirming that the narc abuse evolves as you grow into your own personality. I was the golden child but kept breaking the rules that controlled me. I also spoke up about the verbal abuse and obvious distorted realities of lies about me being told to my face (and to anyone who would listen to her). Eventually this lead to final discard (&freedom). It was only after discard that I learned about NPD & it was your video with Inner Integration about the passive aggressive narcissist that sent off all the alarm bells in my head. Again thank you for information sharing.

[@vampireslayer1989]

April Sunn, Me too. The golden child. It wasn't until late in life that I learned about NPD.

[@gypsy-nr9zd]

I was the scapegoat. Middle child. Whenever my siblings did something my dad deemed “bad” I was blamed for it automatically. And I got the most whoopings out of the 4 of us. And the most emotional abuse and the most controlled.

[@rosered6]

This video is totally right on! There's only 3 things you need to know to survive a narcissistic parent: 1. They don't love you 2. They do NOT want you to be happy EVER 3. Their happiness is not and never was your responsibility. But if you are stuck in your situation and can't get out at the moment, remember that the narc is very easy to use. You can lie to them (which they never expect because they think they are the only ones who can pull that off), this is very useful for getting on with your own life without the threat of them tearing it down for you. You can also act like you are meeting the status quo of their psycho requirements, and this will earn you a break while the narc finds someone else to abuse thus making life a bit more bearable until you can get out.

[@rhianjaques9997]

Bravo!!!! Well said!!!!

[@tiktok-ke2jq]

Painful boi :'( are u independent?

[@caseteamcouture8633]

Great perspective!! I’ve had to learn that I am a perfect package… just misdelivered.

[@pattysnacks6429]

The part where you said the child in ends up being in a relationship with a narcissist...That’s true 💯

[@annekerotterdam7499]

True!

[@Melissa-qo2rn]

So true. I left for my own sanity and my daughter 's

[@alyssabeard8266]

Yup happened to me but now I see my family and him are not worth my piece of mind

[@NOTRUMPZONE]

My mom has all her friends and or associates fooled just as you described in the video. Her friends and their children have always thought i was so "lucky" to have her as a mom and THEY HAVE NO CLUE. I used to WISH that i was born to one of her siblings instead of her until i got older to realize that nearly ALL of my moms siblings have narcissistic ways and different levels of it. Im almost certain though that my mom's level of narcissism is more severe than her siblings.

[@RikkieMulder]

Just starting to become enlighten to that my mom is a covert. Struggling to figure out which way to go forward. Not easy writing her off.

[@KowBoySpace]

My mother abused me till 38 years old. No contact cost me half my family. But once you know its too hard to carry on you spot everything they are doing to you and its killer for your mental health

[@concreterose7562]

@@KowBoySpace wow so old. She mustve been hoovering huh?

[@KowBoySpace]

@@concreterose7562 not once. Which makes it even more sinister. Heres how it went. I was seeing a therapist because I felt fucked up due to a narc ex i broke up with. Thats how I discovered what narcs where. Anyway suddenly i noticed my mothers text messages were similar. Constant gaslighting. My hair stood up on end. I replied "are you gaslighting me?? I will apologise if im wrong but im going to show my therapist these texts because they so confusing" her messages instantly stopped. The next night i got one "hi son how did the session go". As if nothing had happened. At this point I already knew and my therapist agreed with me. I did not reply. 10 minutes later "amswer me right now". 10 minutes after that "what is this therapists name im going to have him fired". I still didnt reply. 10 minutes later "if you dont reply righy now im going to expose you to the whole family". I had no idea what that even meant. I have never heard from her again. Thats 3 years ago..

[@Redmd1]

KowBoySpace I am so sorry, once we change it all comes out.

[@vivdoolan6846]

Rikkie I only found out in the last two years and the reveal has been shattering. I feel like I don't recognise my mum now but the person I thought I knew all my life didn't even exist and now I can see the real person it's such a massive head fuck. I never imagined I would mourn the mother I thought I had while she was still alive. Devastating doesn't even cover it and I can't go fully no contact but when I'm in her company now I just freeze. She will never know what's in my heart or what is going on in my life. And the most unfortunate thing is my dad fully colluded with her so I've lost him too and no longer recognise him.

[@blankearth5840]

My covert narcissist dad likes to give me this analogy where “life is like having to carry a couch. It’s easier with two than by yourself”. I recognize that he is just programming self doubt into me, trying to get me to believe that I can’t be independent

[@joonamato]

Damn. My mother was trying to keep me from being independent by not letting me learn how to cook and stuff, going as far as to when I was eighteen and ready to move out, she kept telling me that she could move out instead when I was ready to live by myself, and I could stay and live in the affordable apartment we had. It took me two years to finally realize she had never actually intended to move out, even when I helped her look for places to live in. I was so mentally beaten when I was 20 and finally got my own place

[@annekerotterdam7499]

He's 'projecting' .....

[@helenhighwater5313]

@@joonamato Now you know she's a liar...about everything...always.

[@Iron_Wolf_365]

@@joonamato My mom put me through college but never had any intention of me moving on. She convinced me to move back in with her to 'save money' She imprisoned me with psychological warfare, guilt, manipuation. I could never secure a job. She tracked criminals for a living and she promised she could track me if I ever ran away (as a mid-20 something). She is now dead and I am in my mid-30's feeling like someone had kidnapped me for 15 years.

[@stevensordoni8450]

I went through my whole childhood and adolescence with narcissistic abuse from my father who has a PHD in psychology. He used his profession over me to gaslight and pathologize me while he robbed me of my self worth. He is the worst thing that ever happened to my life. I wish I knew then what I know now.

[@valerier4308]

So true! I was the Golden Child, constantly trying to continue to be perfect so I would be loved. Then one day, I went against my mom's wishes, by changing my college major. After that, she set about punishing me and making my life as difficult as possible, which caused other consequences for me. I wish I knew then what I know now!!!!!

[@cuisined]

It's an advice as long as you accept it as an advice, it's A NIGHTMARE if you don't accept it and it's downward spiral from there.

[@rhianjaques9997]

EXACTLY

[@elletuppen4844]

Thank you for these revelations. A key thing is giving ones children permission to have other emotions.

[@sonnyca]

09:57 The story of my life. I’m miserable in my life because of the choices I made (at least that’s what I was made to believe). They were never truly my choices.

[@runningsrage5895]

I strongly relate to that one too. I always blamed myself as a child,

[@mandolaa4855]

Wow! I really felt the same almost my entire life, like I was a muppet in someone else's play

[@daramiguel8217]

OMG. I LOVE THIS. this has been so validating... my mother is a borderline so narcissist behavior is beyond. at 75, its gotten even worse and sadly, my sibling and I just want her to go away.

[@Elizannchan]

Dara Miguel My mom is the same age and dealing with it is awful and so much harder since their older!

[@Lindylou20]

Yep so familiar!!

[@daramiguel8217]

@@Elizannchan its SOO MUCH harder. I feel like we need a support group.

[@rhianjaques9997]

Yep. Mine’s 80yo. I’m beginning to think she’ll last forever. 😳

[@safariinc]

I just finished listening to the cn parent chapter in your book and I ended up crying by the end. It was so accurate for me and my sisters. Thank you for everything, it’s always felt like I was going crazy but now things makes much more sense. I’m also incredibly heartbroken because I love my mother and empathize with her so much, it hurts to recognize all of this abuse. I’m still processing everything, but thank you for your work.

[@Withlove2ufromme]

Thank you soooo much for doing this. I knew my dad was a narc. Now, I'm convinced my mom is too. I thought she was more co-dependent, which I wonder if you can be both. I'm currently working on moving out and getting my own place. My mom has enabled me, with my help - until now, to not focus on moving out. I'm more of a help to her and my brother then the other way around. Now that I dont tell her what going in my life (i.e. left my narc boss and got a better position and I have a great Male friend) she mopes and has been giving me the silent treatment. Meanwhile, I was so sick bc of ex boss, my ex bf who was stalking me, etc. Nothing about my day or anything, all about her stressful day and her and her and my brothers. End of rant. I'm truly thankful for this. I'm NOT crazy!!!

[@bbeeaauu]

Congratulations for your professional progress. I'm also wondering if you can be both narc and co-dependent. It seems that in my parent's interactions depending on the situation and their competence they shifted from covert narc to being the victim.

[@Withlove2ufromme]

@@bbeeaauu thank you. I appreciate your kind words. I was so scared of stepping into something new bc my old boss programmed all 9fnus that everything outside of the dept, funny enough it was HR, was worst. Um no. You were making it bad. You pose a great question. When I read your last comment, I can see my parents doing both At times. My dad remarried and my stepmom is a full on narc. Ugh my mom hasn't but she. comments constantly how she's ok being single but at the same time, she's not getting invited to hang with her friends...she talks Bout all of them yet to the face so kind. I'm like, maybe that's why you really don't have any friends mom?

[@beccapearson3114]

I'm in the same situation as my mom has dementia and her narcissism is revealing itself more. Dad showed himself the first time I disagreed with him when I was about 12.

[@koobie83]

I was responsible for my mother’s happiness. I had to go to school and make sure my sister was okay because she used to sit and cry at night thinking she had no friends. She never taught her. I was the one. I’ve never learned to care for my own happiness because she never cared for ours. To this day the world revolves around her but she still believes she’s a martyr. She still believes I became the worst child in the world as a teenager when I wanted my own life, friends and happiness. For my mum she was disappointed in me for not wanting to sit in the house and do nothing all day... My looks changed. I wasn’t blonde anymore. I gained weight. That was the biggest disappointment for my mum. She thinks it’s weird I like to dress modestly and I’m not looks obsessed like she is.

[@annekerotterdam7499]

That's what narc mothers 'do'....

[@alexadellastella5247]

Such a great video! I wish I had seen it earlier in my recovery, thank you! I was the golden child and it took me 30 years to open my eyes....! IAfter having cut contact, 've been recovering for 7 years now so far and it takes so long.... and i've also hadphysical ailments due to the abuse ad just starting to get better. Covert abuse is so not well known among specialists, it's terrifying, I had to be the patient and the therapist all in one almost. Thanks so much for what you do

[@lauratheexplorer6390]

Can you share your physical ailments? My Fibromyalgia started at 13. I remember raging at mum when I was 12 and abandonment fear was intense. I suppressed my feelings. All the "bad" feelings. I thought I was bad. It is terrifying. It's also taken me 30 years to figure it out. Just this year. I don't think it's a coincidence my Fibromyalgia started at that age too. It's mentioned in Debbie's book.

[@ecfog7120]

I literally thought it was normal to take one's moods out on someone else just because they are there. My mother often normalised her behaviour by saying "well you're just the closest person to me, I don't mean it though" It wasn't until I got much older that I realised that it isn't okay to make others bad just because you do

[@sandyleung3402]

This. And I have to try to hard not to have the same behaviour with people around me....

[@kimberlyrain]

Yeah I was often punished for her "bad days" and for even breathing the wrong way. I don't know how I didn't grow up trying to walk on eggshells like most ppl in those situations are. I've always been the one to butt head to head with her. Sadly that's what she wants, a reaction.

[@janiemiller8706]

The example of being expected to be a perfect robot 🤖 instead of a human being is the exact dynamic I grew up dealing with & it continues to this day in ref to my parents - family . I’m 49 & finally decided to detach & distance myself away from dysfunctional family. Exactly how you explained it- it’s very conditioned love ( dysfunctional)- not a healthy love ( unconditional love 💕). Thank you so much.... 😊 this validates

[@jayc3141]

Omg I am covered in narcissistic fleas!!!

[@louise-yo7kz]

Wow!

[@exeaux3033]

They LOVE to make you worry and plant worry thoughts in your head.

[@wonderwoman5070]

Exactly,and that is abuse

[@yumbus2]

7:00 Nailed it! I used to get this ALL the time. I've always carried this underlying feeling of self-doubt but could never figure out why. I thought my parent's were caring and had my best interests at heart but something was 'off' with how they raised me.

[@kristalcampbell3650]

Is it common for a covert narc to end up with an overt narc? The reason I ask is one parent's narcissistic tendencies were masked by the violence and aggression of the other. I tended to worship the parent who made me their caretaker and responsible for their emotions because they seemed to care what I thought (about how great and misunderstood they were) whereas overt narc wasn't interested at all. It wasn't until I grew up and got therapy that I realised something was way off.

[@plumherself]

Literally my life as well lol

[@jackietea8772]

I wish so badly I could talk to you one on one. You are the only one who has been able to explain how my mom is because my mom is very much a covert narcissist. But I'm talking VERRRRY covert. And I need someone like you to help talk this through because I think you genuinely understand how covert narcissism can come across SO SUBTLY. >_< she really really has been able to camouflage control and her desire to be needed with love. She has truly made me feel and truly believes that I cannot survive this life without her. That if I didn't have her as a mom in my childhood it would have just been SO traumatizing for me and thats why she always protected me. She knew I needed her. And now that I am 35... she manipulates everything I do and feel with this idea that without her, my life will be horrible and I am incapable of fixing it, or leading it. But she is so good at doing this under the guise of genuine CARE. and I think she does care... but she doesnt realize that a lot of it is selfish. Thank you for this...

[@jackietea8772]

Also I want to add... Im scared that her traits are making me the same way with my kids. Sometimes I feel this overwhelming need to please her... so I want my kids to be a certain way so its proof that I raised them right so she see's me as capable. I'm afraid if my daughter is struggling in school my mom will see me as not doing enough.. and give me advice on what I should do. If my kids are a little unkept because they were playing.. my mom will see my as lazy. So sometimes I push my kids and get frustrated when they dont do as I ask because I want to look capable for my own mom. and because of this Im afraid I learned some of these behaviors from her. How to I fix this.

[@AT-zr9tv]

Thank you so much for all these points, spot-on. I am experiencing everything you said first hand, as I type this. I carried with me the constant self doubt, the disempowerment, the worry of conditional love, experienced regular lack of empathy and witnessed tormenters who have no accountability. I am actively breaking free from my family, but goodness it goes against everything I wanted. It's time to observe what actually is, and to stop hoping for what should be.

[@vicbaker8367]

I’m reading “The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist”. I just read the comment where several peoples moms often sang, “Anything you can do, I can do better”. My mother always sang that too. And she often said, “ I’m a better woman than you’ll ever have, and a better man than you’ll ever be.”

[@odette8905]

Thank you Debbie. Your first book changed my understanding and my life thereafter. I am so grateful that you shone a light on the nightmare I was living and could make little sense of other than to blame myself.

[@SoapsLuvr]

You nailed it in this video. I am so grateful to anyone on earth who understands the extreme damage COVERTS cause. Thank you and thank God. The psych. abuse from my double whammy of covert narcissist parents got WORSE in my late 40s. The guilt-tripping & manipulation is astounding! I will soon have to be going almost-no-contact. The malignant covert narc gambled away my potential inheritance so I will have nothing, not even a house, while they live in luxury and pretend to be such good people.

[@rhianjaques9997]

Yes. I completely get it.

[@rachellebrowning9390]

Thank you so much for posting this. For so long I struggled with my relationship with my dad and my choice to cut all ties. I’ve always been made to feel like an awful daughter and I was never good enough and watching this, everything you said was dead on and things that I had tried to tell my father but he just made me feel crazy. This brought me some peace of mind, and let me know that it’s not my fault and that I have the power to change my self esteem and confidence within myself because the self doubt was planted there it didn’t come naturally.

[@ChapstickChunx]

When you said that you explained to your kids that it wasn't their fault if/when you were sad, my heart broke. I wish that my parents did that for me. It was usually the exact opposite: x happened and now x is your fault.

[@3Mores]

Wow! What a great video that describes my mother. I sent this to the rest of my 7 siblings in the hopes that it awakens them to the injuries that we all seem to carry now as adult children.

[@everythingroxy3582]

You just set me FREE... Having a parent with Conditional Love Sets you up to Believe that others will Not accept anything Less than Perfect Horrible...😞

[@gabyr4641]

I get a really empowering, understanding and gentle vibe from you. I appreciate you making this video.

[@nickdesmone]

Love this video. Thanks for keeping these up. Has been helping me through dark times I’m popping out of! 💙

[@erockfreedom6399]

Hi Debbie, I really love your videos. I'm in my 30s, and after having felt I escaped that "crazy house" when I was 17/18, and experiencing the freedom of physical separation, independence, I am back in the heart of the wound. Literally, I'm staying in my parents' place -- my sister died here too, while they were "helping her" get back on her feet or what have you. She was in her 40s, divorced, going through a painful time in her life alone. I believe that both my parents are narcissistics, and since I've been living in their building for the last 3 months I feel paranoid about their flying monkey friends. My parents offered to help me by staying at their home in Florida while I get back on my feet, and even offering to give me this apartment, yet I keep receiving voicemails and texts that are extremely devaluing, very financially involved & controlling -- it's a long story but in essence I escaped one narcissistic relationship to come here and just have flashback after memory of they're abuse. Because of my expansion on the knowledge of narcissistic abuse based on my involvement with who I believed to be a psychopath in my adult life oh, I've been able to connect dots upon dots. I'm just appalled at their ways. I've carried this shame around with me my entire life that I believe not to be even mine. some days it feels more possible than others that I can disentangle from this and get on with my life. Being here is so suffocating. You know, they're not the kind of parents that, if I told them that I was feeling attacked or guilt-tripped, would acknowledge it and change the behavior. Instead what I would get complete minimization, invalidation, told that I read the situation wrong, and even to the point where it's this really artificial "I love you! OMG, don't ever think that! You're everything we have! You're the reason we're alive!". Like it's that over the top to the point where it might sound good, but it puts me in a position where I'm feeling like I misread the situation and need to apologize, and also responsible for their well-being and happiness.". So I've just been really grey rocking it with my parents to the limited extent that I can right now, due to my financial dependence on them, but I really need to get out of this. All of my siblings and I (I have one older brother -- That's a whole other can of worms), but especially my sister, were pathologized as mentally ill and that something was always wrong with us, constantly being sent to therapists and psychiatrists. In the case of my sister it was more like mental hospitals. Our father used to call her a "sick, sick girl.""She just can't be alone," he'd say. Anyway I can go on and on , coming up with example after example. I began to uncover layer after layer of the deceit and lies and gaslighting, and there's so much anger but also so much pain oh, I almost feel like that little boy was rejected. So, sometimes I just get into this freeze state of not wanting to find anything else out, not wanting to learn anymore. I've been experiencing C-PTSD symptoms left and right, so I'm stuck in this situation having to "get it together" even though, I don't have it together (largely because I do not feel safe and secure in any way, even with their help, it has come with a huge price, taking it's toll on my sense of self, my mental well being) so that I can get out of it, if that makes sense. anyway thanks again for your videos and also this platform to leave a comment. I guess it's more about sharing my experience, and the identification I felt with this video. You pretty much nailed it, and like I predicted when I started watching the video, it ended up being check mark after check mark of the same behavior from my parents. Thanks, Eric in NY

[@See_Life]

E. Rock Freedom, I wish you lots of strength and self-love to help you move away from there. I'm in a similar situation myself and it's been eye-opening, but very difficult and damaging experience nonetheless, hopefully it won't be long before I save myself from this. All the best to you too! Love you, Debbie!

[@vanderbucks]

Thank you for letting us know how the parent-child dynamic changes.

[@ellieramseyer2291]

Great to have you back Debbie!

[@debbiemirza1744]

Thank you Ellie!

[@BlackHatTy]

Im in counseling now. I just realized my mother is a covert narcissist. When I was a kid she was a great mother. When I got older my parents divorced and my mother left for days on end with er new boyfriend, she was never home. I was stuck with an adolescent bipolar sibling. She showed no concern for us. Always thought we were faking injuries when we were hurt, didnt cook for us, was never home. Her new husband was the reset button.

[@vivianevenancio6502]

Thank you, Debbie. Really, THANK YOU! I feel I'm going nuts sometimes, messages like yours really help me keep things in perspective.

[@debbiemirza1744]

I'm so glad to hear that. Thank you for sharing! xx

[@daramiguel8217]

right? we often internalize the abusive behavior.. even as adults. Ive had to cut my mother out of my daily life b'c the destruction is so massive. she torments and harrasses my brother and I to the point of desiring to call the police for stalking. at 75, how do you call the police on someone? my brother and I are in our 40s and its been a lifetime of it. I have actually intentionally avoided intimate relationships b'c my 'picker' is so bad... so validating!

[@khadijahnyabinghi]

So accurate. Me being a people pleaser definitely has its origins in this horrid Narcissistic dynamic. A very traumatic and scarring experience to be raised by this type of parent.

[@infinitekurosoul]

You just described my parents exactly. I've only just recently realized the term for this being narcissism, and it fits so well with everything I'm dealing with. I just don't know what to do anymore I feel like I'm going crazy and no one would believe me

[@astrea79]

This is the first video I've watched from you and im gobsmacked how much this describes my mother. I've felt like I've been responsible for her happiness since I was a teen and nobody ever used the word narcissist to describe her. She martyrs herself a lot and always portrays herself as a victim. Never apologizes for hurting me or my siblings feelings and generally overreact's to anything we do that doesn't involve her. It doesn't matter how much we apologize for her feeling slighted, even when it's for something we don't have to apologize for. She told me yesterday that was was histerical and projecting when I told her how much inappropriate and hurtful she was making me feel. Just bought your book and will enjoy learning more from you.

[@donnellallan]

So nice to hear from you again! This was like a booster shot today: I feel a little sick incorporating the dose, but it is welcome as it keeps me moving forward in good health. Thank you, Debbie.

[@debbiemirza1744]

You're so welcome Donnell! I hope it felt like a gentle booster shot delivered with your best interest at heart. hugs

[@JennyFB1281]

I watched this video yesterday, and it helped me make some very important decisions. Thank you for uploading this video. 🙂

[@blackrain88]

Debbie!! The validation from this video is unbelievable. You get my whole life! lol! Thank you for your videos - they are transformational!

[@debbiemirza1744]

So happy to hear that! You are so welcome! :-) Thank you for sharing that with me. xx

[@blackrain88]

@@debbiemirza1744 absolutely! I'm reading both of your books now and have ordered the 6 week healing course. Thank you for making that course so affordable. Feels good to be heard and understood.

[@MsRachelleDA]

Wow….what you said about the golden child and why then have this obsession to ppl please and overachieve was so insightful. Thank you!

[@nastyak4516]

13:22 i can't stop listening this beautiful words. Thank you so much ❤️

[@ursula1988ify]

This is EXACTLY how the relationship between my father and my son went (grandfather, grandchild). First 5 years he was the SUPER grandfather, after that he faded away being a grand father until he practically ignored his grand son. uncanny !!! And utterly disturbing for the child. ... he was with his own children the same way !! Now I saw the repetition and understood my own past with him ! Thanks Debbie !

[@debbiemirza1744]

You're so welcome! Take care.

[@elizabethrivers3169]

This was really helpful thank you! I've never seen a video before that outlined covert narcissists so well. As an only child of a single narcissistic mother, i always felt like other descriptions of narcissism just didn't quite fit and of course that made my self-doubt rear its head, but EVERYTHING in this video is my Mum down to a T. THANKYOU.

[@ms.vscorner]

Thank you, thank you! I am a recent subscriber to your channel, thank you for your vids and your explanations. I am an adult child of a covert narc mother and a co-dependent father. My parents always put on a "show" for the public, but we were all abused by my mother. I left home at 17, but have watched my mother turn my sister into a narc and abuse my father up until he died of a stroke 2 years ago. Needless to say, I am working on my recovery now, and have gone no contact with both my mother and sister. In their eyes, I am a selfish, crazy one....oh well, so be it😂

[@vitoriaborela]

Both my parents have issues with covert narcissitic traits and I'm finally realising and breaking free from the toxicity that spread through my relationships and the way I used to see life, as something heavy and dark. Since I read your book, I've been doing some reseach and therapy and I'm finally making my way to freedom. It is really not easy, but life is not a black hole anymore, so I've been trying to make jokes about it, song parodies and funny nicknames about my toxic household to help me quit self-doubting, overachieving and making the effort to be grateful to all that's happened. It was also very good to see that you made your struggles into a positive thing in your own life purpose!! it really gives me hope

[@IT-zx5jc]

Keep hearing from others how proud my mom is of me, weird since I never hear that, well yes in a way but still not........ Like I will call her hoping to get an advice, even though I know she wont help, but sometimes you just need your mom even if she is horrible.......... for example I got divorced and it was really painful (he walked out on me). I actually got these words "well I wont tell you I told you so BUT...." At times I feel that she is happier when I am unhappy because then I need her, and she gets "worried" when I am happy and then I get a lot of free advice and a lot of "be careful". I guess she will tell me she is proud of me, and mostly now recently I think it is because she knows I am on to her. But it will be in reflection to her "I am so proud of how you take care of (my daughters name) God knows you are so much stronger than I was or could ever have been" and it sounds really good right? But it is actually just an intro into the main subject; HER. Also she usually only praises me when I give her advise, she will talk on and on for example about a problem with my uncle, then I give her advise and suppoert her, and she will be "oh I can always count on you". Then when I hang up the phone I am soooooo exhausted, epsecially because I called her because of a personal problem I needed help with or just needed some love you know? I am finally learning not to call her. But my dad was an overt narcissist and a sociopath, its really hard not to talk to anyone, my intimate family knows me so well and we are all pieces of each other somehow. How could I talk to an outsider? I went to therapy, realized suddenly in one therapy session that HE WAS A NARCISSIST TOO. it was crazy, I looked at him as I realized and it was almost as if he saw that I now knew, he got all tense and angry with me. My siblings also are not seeing this about her, exept one maybe, but she instead loves dad!! So she is more fucked up than I am. Ohhh what to do.... Mom is coming to stay with us soon, for ten days. How many countries have I lived in? I wonder if I am actually doing this to flee my family more than "finding myself", five countries now and I can never excape her. I am to be very happy that she is coming to "help" of course. Help with what? Help me to feel helpless I guess. Remind me how lucky I am to have her? Remind me of how good she is and how self sarcrificial? At the same time so fragile and weak, and if I say a wrong word her lower lip start shaking and I get the "I am trying my best" speech. Then I will have the guilt trip and I wont be able to complain about her to anyone after all, "she is so kind" as they all say. SCREAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!! (craziest part of all this is that I DO love the fact she is coming, because after all she was so much better than dad and I want to hide and keep pretending that all this she is showing me is true love and than I am just imagining stuff, ignorance is bliss)

[@HolyGround777]

I T wow my adult life to a tee. This video and these comments have given me such clarity. I am 26 now, I was 25 when I realized that something was actually really wrong with my mom. How did her visit end up going?

[@6955beniegn]

@@HolyGround777 your lucky, i didnt find out till i was in my 40's that my mother was NPD . we didn't have internet back then when I was younger

[@bloodyredbird2772]

There was once my friend was talking about her father, and I was like "you two talks like that? In my family my father is like God. He commands and we obey." I didn't actually say that but I envy her so much. Anyway, I stopped talking to my father about 2 yrs ago (gradually so he hadn't notice until it's too late), and my life has improved tremendously. I found somewhere else that another trait of a narcissist family is that there's no boundary in the family. I think that's why I do everything in English now, which is not my mother tongue. Actually not until this year did I realize there is such a thing as privacy within family. The idea never occurred to me. Also I used to think that my father is just a normal asshole, but now I now that he's, I don't know, sick? It made me sad.

[@joonamato]

Yeah god damn, it surprises me to see people actually talk with their parents like a person to a person

[@mandolaa4855]

Yes!! The privacy thing!! I agree with you 100%, when it comes to narc families there are NO boundaries at all.

[@rochelleleitner6237]

I wasn’t really sure what I was looking for when I first looked at this video. I have been confused for a long time. And I can’t believe how spot on this is. Thank you so much for clarifying so much I always thought that I was doing something wrong.

[@legokid.R]

thank you for the insight on this topic. its been helpful. i am really looking forward to the next audio book, as i am on my journey of healing. it started with your first audio book that im really grateful you did. cant wait for it. lots of love

[@debbiemirza1744]

You're so welcome! So happy to know the audio book helped. I'll definitely let you know when the next one is complete. Take care.

[@nakiarobinson23]

I'm 27 years old and have recently just realized my 85 yo grandfather has narced me from childhood. From telling Me I owe him for taking me in when my mother neglected. Always instilling within me that I had to take care of him when he got older. Which I did. I gave him all my 20s and felt stuck never had a bf and could barely leave the house. Because if I did he was dying. I never knew that was manipulation. He told me to give up.on my dreams he never supported my beliefs. He wanted me to cook and clean because I am a woman. I realised that he never loved me and here I was ready to commit suicide once he died. But I'm glad this quarantine has made me realize and now I'm going to narc him.and save up.all my money while he is paying the Bill's and once everything is done I'm out and I don't have to burden myself with him because I realize that I was just his servant and he could care less about me

[@nryane]

Thank you for this, Debbie. Not only did I have to look after my siblings, I got to look after my parents! No wonder I was ANGRY for a lot of my life! No contact for over 5 years, I am regaining my personal well-being! Blessings!

[@sltfilho]

The 4th one... it’s just so damaging. I’ve always grown up with a mother saying that “if my son is gay, I’ll put a bullet in my head”. I’m not gay, but I did have my own sexuality to be developed, and I definitely felt that there was something wrong with me, and massive guilt about it. I’ve always felt my mom loves me, but only approves me as long as I’m fitting her plan.

[@sharifmansour9678]

Lol @ the parental advice thing. This is my mom 1000%. Every idea I have is a risk, and "do you think you can really handle that?"

[@sandrasolarez5708]

Listening to these traits were so accurate. I am 32 years old, and just now realizing I am a child of a narcissistic parent. It all finally makes sense. The very last part of this video made me tear up a bit. Thank you for this. So helpful.

[@randomperson6772]

“They put the responsibility of their happiness onto the child” that one hit hard. I’m the past argument I had with my mom she kept telling me how she’s lonely and sad and I never talk to her anymore and basically I am the reason for her loneliness. For the first time I said “Your happiness is not my responsibility”. Then she started slamming things and calling me unspeakable names which is how I know she knows it was true. I almost feel bad for standing up for myself or just ignoring her tantrums but I have to put myself first now. Anytime the manipulation starts getting to me I watch the videos I took at of our arguments at age 17 which has audio proof of me trying to rationalize and apologize to a mom that would only belittle me anyway. I recorded the videos because I felt crazy. I didn’t know who I was anymore. So I needed to really hear what was being said during those arguments after I calmed down. Best decision of my life.

[@madeinhisimage3447]

Yes, I learned of Narcissistic Abuse after having repeatedly finding myself in one after another very abusive relationships where each seemed to get worse and worse. After I discovered Psychopath Free thinking I was seeking help for my poor romantic love patterns at the third chapter at age 41 my tears turned into deep and profound grief and rage when I finally saw that it was my parents all along! I’m 45 now and my health is ravaged to the point where after a horrendous malpractice I nearly lost my life and all that I had worked so hard for since I was 19. It all came down like a house of cards leaving me with no option but to remain in my parents home with my young son. My boy began to also have problems and that coupled with my health issues I couldn’t get back up on my feet again. A year and half ago my father passed away which I hate to say this but it made things a little easier because between the two of them it was awful and grueling. They undermined me so relentlessly that my once adoring and respectful son began to treat me in like manner and like I was his older sister YET I did everything and then some and still do for my son by way of everything that my own parents failed to do for me. People say you need to leave. Sure, if love to! Tell me how. I’m sicker than a dog. Still awaiting answers to get a clear path for treatment, lost my entire self built career, have a son with special needs who I am now having to begrudgingly go to my CAPTOR for financial aid and she withholds until I come on my knees. I’m sacrificing everything for my son for if it where not for him I would never have stayed in this situation for this long and as sick as I am I would’ve found a hole in the wall somewhere in East LA by the cartels where I could manage to somehow come up with 1550 a month for a studio. I really do feel that I’m going to end up a casualty of this War with Jezebel. Yet My soul still belongs to God! I can’t help with all that I’ve endured since I was a small child up to present and not think of Job. Job 13:15 "Though He slay me, I will hope in Him. Nevertheless I will argue my ways before Him.

[@louiserose9460]

Stay strong. I hope you find your independence. Don’t forget God is aways with you! ❤️🙏🏼

[@sunrise_dog6475]

Wow, this makes so much sense. Thank you.

[@bernytree66]

The last few seconds made me cry. Thank you so much

[@debbiemirza1744]

You are so welcome. xoxo

[@ayanamoore6329]

My mom would always tell me im a mistake, because she really didn’t want the responsibility of taking care of me, it still hurts to this day but going no contact and walking away from her was one of the best decisions I ever made!

[@AliPittaway]

My narc father has invalidated me my whole life. I'm now in my 50s and he's still alive but his health is not good. I "divorced" him a few years ago but I still feel guilty that I am not devoting my life to caring for him. I cannot have him in my life and be mentally and emotionally healthy. However, I am working on my guilt and videos like this help.

[@erikoud.8193]

Right on point you perfectly described my covert narcissistic mom.

[@scottshill1927]

There is just so much of this that I can identify with. My mom was (is) a covert narcissist. I'm 44 and she still loves to tell people how I used to be such a good, kind, happy child until I got older. Then she regales them with stories about how awful I was (am). She constantly asked why I couldn't be like her friend's son. I've always been overweight. When I was looking in a mirror she would come up, put her hands under my chin, flatten everything out and say,"This is what you *could* look like." She literally said she always wished one of us kids would sing. "Wind Beneath My Wings" in a concert and dedicate it to her. Since that didn't happen, she wants us to sing it at her funeral. Number 4 perfectly describes my son's bio-dad. His love is conditional. I would go into detail but it really boils down to emotional/psychological abuse.

[@leylinetarot]

Why do narcs so often bring up what they want at their funerals too? It seems to be a theme even when they're healthy

[@richardjslade]

Spot on recognition. I've never heard it so concisely put down to four traits but each one rings true, but the bit that got me was the "Ergh, it's just awful, right..." Right!!!! As an adult you just realise it's exhausting, frustrating, immature behaviour that you cannot fix.

[@SpiritualTarotGoddess]

Thank u. U are such a clear and concise speaker. You are calming and make this easy to understand. You are a Pro!

[@debbiemirza1744]

Thank you!!! xx

[@skyejacques]

Debbie, just had a friend finally tell me I have complex PTSD. Thanks for your help with the videos. I can relate to your energy. And it's helping me out of denial. I've done all the spiritual work, shamanism, Sufi work and nothing was helping to end this pain and depression and my inability to earn enough consistently. Now I know why. It sucks. But it will heal somehow. X

[@DrDavid-im7gp]

It's even worse when a mother has a covert emotional incest relationship with the oldest son, but is an overt narcissist with the youngest son. You don't want to be the youngest, I promise.

[@zariadeswill]

i come back to videos like these to reassure myself that i’m not the problem. thank you

[@SouthburyGirl]

I'm 52 years old and this is the first time in my life, for me to hear the words, "there is nothing wrong with you." Said with such deep sincerity and empathy and on one hand I felt like I was receiving the warmest caring hug and felt such a good feeling deep in my chest, and on the other hand so sad that this is not a message I ever received from either of my parents. Thank you.

[@mousebee5568]

I am so validated by your video. My father was all of these things, even more so leaning into the trope of the mother being overly involved in your life; he was always needing to know everything about where I was, when I’d be back, (I also had to check back within ten minutes of being texted and immediately answer if I was called or else he’d have an absolute meltdown and go on a mission to figure out where I was) who I was with, what’s going on in their lives, and actively sought to destroy my trust in anyone else but him. I wasn’t even supposed to close my bedroom door. I had zero privacy. He’d claim that if there was a fire, closing the door was a bad idea because what if I couldn’t get out? It was exhausting… But anyways, back to my first point. He’d complain that he never knew my friends’ parents so I couldn’t go over to their houses when I was invited, and then also literally never make any effort to get to know their parents. He also made similar comments about my then bf, now husband. I’d hear things like “always make sure to keep in mind who’s stronger than you.” Or “never go anywhere alone with people.” Which in and of itself, not such bad things. Which is why I believed him for so long. Now, I see him pairing all of that with his experiences in law enforcement and see he used instilling in me a paralyzing fear of death, r***, alcohol, etc as means to control me up until I was 22 years old. I am now happily disowned by the very same man who claimed there was no one else in this world who loved anyone as much as he loved me, and am gratefully married to my best friend who my father absolutely despised. :) who knew that being disowned would become the catalyst for so much healing, love and freedom I’ve never known!

[@grandhustla101boi]

My father is most likely a covert narcissist. He changed things up on me after 15. Everyone would say things like “oh, you’re so lucky to have a father like him” but then I grew up. And he discarded me. It got to the point where I was openly telling them that I was feeling suicidal, especially after he ran the woman in my life away. But all the pain I have endured made me real observant of my surroundings (opposite of how I used to be when I was 18). But one day I realized that dad was willing to deal with the pain of my death when I asked myself, why he has yet to staged an intervention. These ppl are unapologetically destructive against people especially their families.

[@mahoganyshanae6116]

Sometimes I wonder my mother is a narcissist and she loves my misfortunes . Sometimes I think this people or demons.

[@fittobeafarmmom3504]

Wow, thank you for this video. So many times I've felt like a bad parent because I get so emotional, and I wonder if I'm doing my kids harm. But you just said what I do is normal... I always tell my kids it isn't their fault. I've also told them adults can get worn out just like they do (ie, when we've spent all day at the park having fun and they cried at the end just because they were tired) we just show it other ways. When my husband (the covert) NEVER does this with them. He starts yelling about this and that, complaining about our house, complaining about their habits... making everything feel like theirs and my fault. Thank you for giving me peace on this

[@dougd.8925]

I really like the way she said at the end send you lots of love and then how she said there is nothing wrong with you there's something really empowering in that

[@teddmented]

Sent this to my dad. He didn’t like it

[@elizabethheiland8140]

I saw a therapist and was telling her how my father would say he was concerned and how it was making me feel. And she told me I shouldn't want people to not be concerned. That concern was a good thing. My therapist didn't quite understand

[@debbiemirza1744]

There are so many therapists that don't understand. They are not educated in higher education about the covert type. Well done trusting yourself!

[@louiserose9460]

Yeah I told my psychologist about my parents and she didn’t even pick up on it!! I had to find out myself. What a waste of money that was

[@SunnyDeeTee]

Wow you are so spot on with every point. This is exactly my mother.