5 Mistakes That Keep You Chained To A Narcissist

[@ssully1377]

The divorce between the covert narcissist and myself became final a couple of months ago. I truly am a shell of my former self. After 38yrs of his abuse and treatment I am working on self love. I have a ton of healing to do and these video’s help so much. Thank you for sharing your talent with us!

[@alissaorr9829]

S Sully- 31 years here and still going. IDK what to think or do.

[@davidhayes8788]

Hang in there. You may have to take a step or two into the dark. Trust in God. Good luck.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks for your comments, and please know we are all pulling for you in your time of transition! Dr. C

[@ssully1377]

@@alissaorr9829 start talking to a therapist that specializes in this behavior. It took me almost 2 yrs of working with the therapist to feel confident enough take action. Hugs to you!

[@ssully1377]

@@davidhayes8788 thank you! God has been my saving grace all these yrs. and continues to be.

[@joywebster2678]

1. Being a reactor 2. Becoming angry instead of assertive 3. Being defensive and walking on eggshells 4. Allowing the Narcissist to grade you and worrying about it 5. Appeasing the Narcissist beyond your boundaries.

[@jesusknowsallaboutit409]

Thank you

[@DrPat-mx9nn]

TY

[@lindac6919]

Becoming angry instead of laughing at them.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

#1. I will no longer be a "reactor", like a nuclear reactor, to my narc dad. He spews toxicity my way. I deserve to not deal with him; thus preventing any meltdowns!

[@immaculatedocnato2054]

No matter how long you may try to stay in a relationship with a narcissist, you will finally leave. A narcissist has no limit on how much they are willing to hurt you. You will get so emotionally and physically drained till the only option will be to get out.

[@nancywutzke5392]

YEP! I likened it to chewing my own leg out of a trap and I crawled away. I hoped that maybe I was like a frog and my 'leg' would grow back. It's been 11 yrs and I'm still limping. Emotionally damaged and will NEVER be the same.

[@msp2727]

@@nancywutzke5392 yes you will find yourself again... think of who in your family was a narcissist. It's rarely by chance you find them. Watch carefully who you let in

[@nancywutzke5392]

@@msp2727 My first narcissist was my "Joan Crawford like" step monster. Started at the age of 3. Been in therapy for years. I let NO ONE in! EVER! I'm totally done with people. I will never be in a relationship again, ever. I will die alone and happy! I have my fur babies and that's all I need. People make me sick.

[@freespirit9806]

We expect the Narc to give us what they don’t have to give. These empty vessels have no identity. There is no sense of honesty. Dignity respect. These things are God given gifts and only Gods people have access

[@cherrybacon3319]

I finally left when the Narcissm was affecting my body physically. 🍒

[@demigaines5644]

1) HAVING SOME TYPE OF HOPE THAT THEY WILL CHANGE. 2).SEEKING VALIDATION. 3) EXPECTING REMORSE. 4) THAT THEY WILL STOP LYING CHEATING BEING ABUSIVE. 5) WANTING CLOSURE.

[@AMTSA1]

OMW. SPOT ON !!!

[@demigaines5644]

@@AMTSA1 Thank You iI WASTED 8 YEARS OF MY LIFE CHASING WANTING ACCEPTANCE FROM THE NARCISSTIS GETTING ONLY MORE ABUSE

[@mrsbutterflyrainbows5900]

Oh yes...I did all of those plus overemphasised and exuced the wrong behaviour

[@hazeleyes2381]

Yes Did all of them for 24 years.

[@demigaines5644]

@@hazeleyes2381 Me2

[@umubahja1508]

Iam ayoung mom from somalia 🇸🇴,and my society doesn’t know anything about narcissistic abuse but iam out of this relationship after 10 year of blaming me I was the problem but finally I saw who was wrong alhamdulilah

[@salliegallegos918]

“They have such a strong agenda of how you’re supposed to be” hits home. A narc’s mission is dissolve your self-esteem and mold you into their puppet. Otherwise, you’re the one with all the problems.

[@mumcmillfields]

Thank you I made all these mistakes for years with my narc sister. Glad she overstepped and I found out here what’s been going on.

[@salliegallegos918]

@@mumcmillfields I have the same sister. I went no contact for years at a time. Then she came in needing help, and I folded. But it never changes and is very destructive. I will never fall back into that toxic relationship.

[@show_me_your_kitties]

Yeah well i can't be molded. Im leaving

[@rppope1006]

That's EXACTLY what my mom started to try st about 3 years of age. Thankfully God was with me and I learned how to protect myself. She either wanted to have full control over me or try to set me up to be kill3d or in prison. She is one sick individual

[@kimlarsson7259]

Without having watched this, I can already say: I've made all those mistakes. I work in the psychiatric field and have done so since the 90's, and I should know better. Narcissists are tricky creatures.. Anyone can be trapped by them.

[@rebeccamarchand6689]

It took me dating a narcissist to realize I had been controlled by my narcissistic mother. And then I was devastated that I had been tricked. I’m extremely leery of ever dating again. I thought I was smarter than that. 😢

[@kimlarsson7259]

@@rebeccamarchand6689 Don't blame yourself.. Brains has nothing to do with it.. Anyone can get trapped. I have a Phd, I have worked with all kinds of mental patients, there's a narcissistic problem in my family, I have lived with a malignant narcissist and I have read hundreds of books on mental health. And I saw a therapist for five years. I should have understood narcissism a long time ago. But I have only just begun to understand the narcissistic theme in my life. I actually worked in a psychiatric ward, without understanding that I lived with a malignant narcissist. Sometimes I want to smash my fist through a wall. I really blame myself, but what's the point? I did not know the facts.

[@jamaalhorton2343]

Most people that work in psychiatric fields are narcissist!

[@pjpj3416]

Tricky creatures are a great description.

[@jh2325]

@@jamaalhorton2343 its because they believe their knowledge makes them a better person than everyone else. God complex.

[@shereadsshescries1457]

A great sign of narcissism is they cannot sit on a couch and do nothing, without tick tick slipping into some mental tantrum out of the blue, they sit there and steam with some rage that has nothing to do with the moment. This does not apply if there is something in their hands, any drink, knitting, a book, a phone, anything, or if they are talking. But to just sit still for a moment and find peace in doing nothing is IMPOSSIBLE for narcissists. Remember your childhood friends, and then later friends whom all could sit on a couch with you and do nothing, remember? There would be a calm, and giggles would erupt, and that loving energy. Remember? For most people, as adults, we only ever experience that kind of PEACE with our pets now. Calm unconditional loving peaceful energy is something you will never find with narcissists. They cannot sit quiet with you and CONNECT in that way.

[@nancywutzke5392]

SO TRUE!!!

[@dotwright6899]

Yes!

[@apeyb5606]

I concur with this as well!! My soon to be ex husband never stopped talking! It eventually rubbed off on me and I became uncomfortable trying to sit in peace with other family members. I’m now going on 2 months into no contact from him and have slowly regained my ability to do this again 💜❤️‍🩹💞

[@rachelbowerman361]

Holy crap.... ALWAYS the phone and more recently Legos, an obsession

[@jasminejamez]

Oh my God, this is so correct. The narc I knew always would pace up and down the room fiddling with some object in his hand. He wouldn't sit down with you and relax, no matter how much anyone pleaded.

[@strugglingmillennial1298]

Don’t try to reason with them as they do not have the ability to self-reflect. Narcs don’t think they just do! Things are done for their benefit so stop enabling them by forgiving, giving the benefit of the doubt, etc.

[@pjpj3416]

Right!!!

[@MegaBIGJOE64]

Absolutely right.

[@MJ-qb5ph]

Facts. Thank you

[@sonyabadorek7392]

Spot on & thank you for sharing 🙏🏽Narcs are con artists & thieves...they con & steal everything from you leaving you drained & with nothing! Ive never heard of anyone trying to reason with a thief...narcs are no different! Change your perception...Save your life

[@Injusticestinks]

I woke up one day, not recognising who I had become, knowing only that I didn’t like what I had become. That was the straw that broke the camels back. Cold turkey it was from there onwards. I refused to lower myself anymore.

[@keplermission4947]

At least you woke up.

[@monabarakat7383]

True

[@mikeseitz2792]

yep!!

[@hitmandrums]

Same! ✊🏼✊🏼✊🏼

[@bravodiyemon1757]

@Mary Carroll Narcissistic abuse After effects can last for years and even decades. I feel very very anxious,depressed sometimes. Because i am a victim of this type of abuse from my childhood(class 1).

[@drat9957]

I was with my narc for 3+ decades. In that time, I stopped initiating any activity without my husband's permission because I knew he would sabotage me. Not only did we live together, but worked in a family business together which kept me in the marriage long after I knew I should leave. I was not allowed to show anger towards or cry in front of him because it "made him feel bad" and escalated his anger, that resulted in threats and intimidation, and kept me off balance and always walking on eggs. Since it was his "way or the highway", the greatest challenge for me now is remembering I have the freedom to act in any manner I see fit. Leaving was the best thing I could have done.

[@js6546]

Emotional thinking. This is the number one mistake I’ve made and why I stayed for so long. I’ve made all the other mistakes too, but emotional thinking allowed the gaslighting to find its mark every time. I believed he loved me and when the abuse started I was seeing it through the lens of ‘he loves me’, therefore it couldn’t be abuse. Stems from childhood and having a narcissistic father. Narcissists seek control through our failure to think logically about their abuse. They utilise various rudimentary manipulations that all find their mark when we think emotionally. Thinking logically about their abusive behaviour frames it in a way that removes their power. Dr C’s videos have done this for me. Better that any university course! I have joined Team Healthy! Thank you Dr C for empowering victims of long term narcissistic abuse.

[@keplermission4947]

@@deepaaiyer5080 You probably picked up the wrong end of the stick (knowing you).

[@freshstrt3140]

@@keplermission4947 Said like a true narcissist

[@tobascoheat6582]

Agreed!

[@carolnahigian9518]

my sibling never gave specific requests then say things like,.."YOU DE FROSTED THE INCORRECT FROZEN Chicken!"

[@steviep9780]

Oh, J S, me too, same here! All those people just MUST love me because they're family and family are supposed to love one another... nope. Some people have no concept of love at all other than when to say it to get something in return. So glad we're here!

[@janeylynn5934]

Not everyone can simply choose to walk away from narcissistic abuse. Narcissistic parents can cripple their children and cause them to be so dependent on them as adults that those adult children literally end up having no way out, as they never had the chance to cultivate their gifts, find careers that were good fits for them, etc.

[@todaysrules6730]

This is exactly where I'm at right now... I can literally see him trying to get a reaction from me, and when he does, he becomes "revived" and happy. He almost becomes generous! When I don't fall for it, he gets rageful, then gets rejecting and ice cold... I cannot leave, because we would take a huge loss on the new house, which he insisted we build. Why I react to his baiting, is when he would NOT admit to the things he does and say; things that would happen two minutes ago. If he is caught red handed, it's blame any and everything, and do a circular argument. When that does not work, he blatantly gaslights me! I'm a rational person, so I'm baffled (also not), why he cannot admit or see what he does... It's win at all and any cost, even when the debris of our marriage is scattered and crumbled at our feet. For him, it's a "death blow" to admit he could be wrong... Never wants to discuss solutions, just so he's "not wrong!" I'm learning to not get caught up in any argument, because it destroys me, and energizes him.

[@luvwings]

Your presence with a narcissist is too tempting to them not to drain you, the only way you can get peace is be away from them.

[@jamesarmstrong4179]

Denise O,You are beautiful,hope you are not with a narcissist....

[@shadowasmr4299]

I have concluded to stop anticipating the narcissist. Focus on myself.

[@TheBigdog868]

Narcissists know the cardinal rule of BS and use it to their advantage. They know it takes 1000x more energy to defend yourself from their crap than they put in to start it. JUST. WALK. AWAY. The head games aren't worth your mental health. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

[@Blue-hf7xt]

It’s interesting. The first time I heard the word BS was in college. It was taught as a communication skill. This world is narcissistic. We can change that.

[@lynnfincham6839]

YES… 🤩

[@sssttt2211]

Narcissist has power because we give them. Stop giving them attention, ignore, stop caring what they think about you and their opinion. You are then already free.

[@JimmyJaxJellyStax]

Not telling them to "go to hell" - joking but trying to convince them to not be a narc is the real issue

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

But the thought does cross one's mind. Dr. C

[@krisztina442]

Probably the biggest mistake I made regarding my husband's family was that I saw the red flags at the very beginning (my mother-in-law's negative energy and manipulation, e.g.) but I didn't comment on the problem for 15 years. I was tactful and didn't want to hurt my husband's feelings. Now I'm paying a huge price as I've become the Nr.1 target person and my mother-in-law's divisive tactics work very well. I've wasted so much time.

[@janetpattison8474]

I feel your pain. It’s been 20 years for me. Unfortunately, it seems to be true, that the only way to get the craziness and the attacks out of one’s life is to cut all the strings. Need nothing from narcs.

[@cbholmes4739]

Same with my in laws... There's just always this big pressure in the beginning that we all HAVE to like each other, we have to be one big happy family. So we overlook and normalize abnormal control tactics. We overlook everything so we don't rock the boat. I finally distanced myself and didn't ask for permission to do so. I've accepted the consequences. (Different story with my own family, much harder)

[@krisztina442]

It's good to know that many people understand what it's like to be in these "misfortunate" shoes... I remember that I was so enthusiastic and I wanted it to work. I respect elderly people but somehow my good intention was not enough...

[@phantomvampyressshadowkiss4690]

I empathize with you, but i seen through mil and wasn't going to let her have control. You can't allow them no matter if someone has to have feelings hurt. Its necessary for anyone in a marriage to open theif eyes to toxic family members even if its hard to see or face its necessary. If they stand by the narc parent then shows you a glimpse of your life

[@phantomvampyressshadowkiss4690]

@Sandy Shines thats awful and i know exactly how you feel. Thats what mil does, but she has my husband kinda under control. I don't go to anything they have and neither does my 2 yr old. My 12 yr old isnt his daughter so what i say goes no matter what. I can always tell when his mom is in his ear. We just know.

[@timothybyrom5560]

Not a shell. I've retreated. Now I have the tools. Time to charge.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

"Grading" The Narcissist gets an F every time!

[@Canaday291]

I survived an extremely traumatic abusive “marriage” to a malignant narcissist alcoholic I finally divorced . Just to co exist with him brought out the worst in me as he created so much trauma chaos and constant stress I was constantly reacting to, doing damage control, and defending and protecting my children from his constant attempts at destroying us. I had to compromise and sacrifice all of my authenticity, standards, values, and principles. It’s as if my soul and identity had left my body. I became someone I didn’t recognize or like. I became him. I am so happy to be reintroduced to my beautiful authentic self again as I now heal and help my children heal.

[@stephanybarber2623]

it was time after time after time waiting for the next outburst. there was no relief. ever.

[@janetstonerook4552]

Once you understand the dynamics of toxic relationships, you will find it really easy to identify narcissists before you let them in close. You are forewarned and will be able to prevent the narc from getting their hooks into you in the first place! Remember, they have nothing good to give you even though it might seem so during the love bombing phase. It took me 70 years to learn that...but now it seems so easy to see through them 👍😻👌.

[@davidp2888]

One of the more powerful things I learned form Dr. C is when I feel like I'm being "upstaged" by my narc, I respond with "Okay". That gives them very little to go on because I'm not giving them the energy they need. I won't be their supplier or their victim.

[@MotivationMindsetU]

i kept telling myself this if i ever got the chance to talk to them and i completely fell apart. turned into an emotional mess and begged and cried and pleaded. im sure they got off on it.

[@sarahwiehe8159]

Great t keep loving yourself be self you are number one- bring All the love you had to nurturing yourself it is sof freeing

[@sarahwiehe8159]

You girl‼️‼️🙏

[@sarahwiehe8159]

You go Girl 😀‼️‼️‼️

[@ozzyhouston2535]

I'm a guy and twice other guys who were narcissists told me things such as, "I love you like a brother." Or, "You're the best friend I have." Both times their words rang hollow. One guy, I barely knew.

[@michelepascoe6068]

1. You become a reactor (Recognise it and learn to manage your emotions. Detach from the narc). 2. Assertiveness gives way to unhealthy forms of anger (Desist from shouting back or making a passive aggressive reply. Learn healthy assertiveness) 3. Defensiveness is triggered too easily (Don't JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) 4. Your validity was determined by their grading system (Don't believe their judgment; learn not to care about their opinion) 5. Appeasement erases good boundaries (Remove yourself from their contemptuous presence; say "No," or "I have to leave now," or "I can't do that," and mean it. Don't give in to manipulation, but stand your ground politely, but firmly.)

[@michelepascoe6068]

@Sandy Shines there are so many of us recovering and learning better ways. For so long I didn't know what was wrong, or anyone else having such difficulties and kept trying harder, but now I feel understood and am not alone in this. Courage and peace to you xx

[@choosepeacetoday]

Yes, I had a problem with appeasement and placating. Not doing that anymore. Feel much better about myself when I stopped doing that.

[@mariaawake4502]

The hope , that the narcissist becomes a normal healthy person , once the traumas of childhood have been addressed and treated. The narcissist is not seriously interested in doing that, but might pretend to get attention.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So true, Maria. Dr. C

[@shonamcwilliam2842]

Or make up the traumas to get attention in the first place.

[@jso3284]

My covert narc husband has everyone fooled, even our Christian marriage counselor we started to see. We are taking some time apart and as a Christian I feel guilty not wanting him to come back. I am afraid if I choose separation or divorce, he'll not play fair and take me for all he can, all that I worked hard to accomplish for my son and I when I was a single mom before I met him, and then finishing school while we were together.

[@mariaawake4502]

​@@jso3284 , I am in a similar, awful situation. While I shared , the narcissist was only concerned about his own gain. Now, I do not want to loose what I work for and no , I do not expect the narcissist to play fair in a divorce, nor do I have confidence in the legal system. Luckily our daughter did not turn out a narcissist . So I learnt to detach , created personal space and I am seeking new healthy relationships in groups the narcissist can not join. My best wishes to you.

[@LoveFaithLive]

@@jso3284 That Christian counsellor is a dud because they're not listening to the Holy Spirit. How did they get their credentials to counsel?? I hope you told them off. They didn't pray then listen for the Holy Spirit's guidance. As a Christian you'd know we're in a spiritual battle not a flesh and blood one. That doesn't mean Christians have to stay in bad marriages. Stand your ground, get good legal advice about your assets, know where you stand. You have *nothing* to feel guilty about J So, not wanting the covert narc back is a healthy attitude.😇

[@denvan3143]

My father was a narcissist but I never understood that until I began to watch your videos. Among my dad‘s gambits was, if someone intimated his behavior might be caused by an emotional issue, to instantly say “I don’t believe in psychology.” He would then belittle whoever had challenged him and tell them exactly what was wrong with them. My resolution to this was, I think, somewhat unique. My parents lived 700 miles away, so our face-to-face conversations were limited to once a year. I again began to tread onto an area about which my father was emotionally sensitive. His instant reaction was to say “I don’t believe in all that psychology“ and then he began to “explain“ to me my real motivations and my faults. It was as though we were 15 years in the past, and he was once again dressing me down for my failures and defects. This is the unique part of my solution. As my dad’s words washed over me like a fire hose I silently prayed: “Lord, I’m not going to fight with my father, but how do I resolve this?” God spoke to my heart: Remember, your father just told you _he doesn’t believe in psychology._ I was so startle at this revelation, which seemed so obvious after it was pointed out, that I interrupted my father. “Dad, you can’t say that.” The interjection startled him; I don’t think anyone had ever said those words to my father. All he could manage to say was “Huh?“ “You just told me you don’t believe in psychology,” I said in an amiable tone. “You’re the last person who can talk about psychological ussues.” I was neither mean nor defensive, I simply stated the case. Dad stared at me without a word. I filled the silence by changing the subject and he never again gave an arm chair psychiatric evaluation (of me, at least). “If any man lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all men liberally without upbraiding.” James 1:5. This promise is the privilege of everyone who is in Jesus Christ. I gained freedom from my father’s emotional control. No matter how big a narcissist is, God is bigger. 😋

[@gloria2619]

After being raised by a narcissist I have to constantly remind myself what is comfortable to me isn't healthy.

[@Mmyers1177]

My Narcissistic Sister discarded me a year ago……It’s been a nice long vacation!

[@nancywutzke5392]

Lol!!!! 😁

[@suzannegerhart8818]

i am from a narcissistic family and I was discarded by all of them over the years except my dad and my younger sister. I was the scapegoat, or "black sheep" of the family, but it was in fact a blessing, because I was the one who escaped. I feel like I was literally raised by a pack of wolves, with the exception of the two people mentioned. My lingering question is "Why was I ever born into a narcissistic family?"

[@TheBigdog868]

That's the healthier way to look at it ❤

[@TheBigdog868]

@@suzannegerhart8818 for darkness to exist there must be light. You're the lone street lamp in the dark alleyway

[@rebekahcadwallader4698]

My narcissistic stepdad just rejected me. It does feel liberating.

[@abhijitc251083]

Some of them have a trick of showing off care by constantly reminding of someone's areas of improvement, to the point that it becomes annoyingly repetitive to being told that almost every other day. And then they themselves may be needing tons of improvement in the same area. They want us to believe they want us to be better, more successful for us, when in reality, they might be feeding their ego by thinking they are with a superb person. It's never about us, but always about them. They tend to have a very poor sense or no sense of when to stop.

[@matilda1505]

They tend to bring the worst out of you !

[@bestlife9925]

Control (him); resistance (me): exactly! Wish I new this 34 years ago. 😜🤣 I broke free in my 60s. Not ideal, but better late than never! I’m much happier despite the financial uncertainty. Financial control (by him) was an issue. I knew nothing about coat of living while married. That was a blessing in disguise. Had I known, I would have been even more fearful to walk away!

[@barbarahuntington5451]

I made the mistake of checking on mine as I had heard he was ill.........big mistake........opened the floodgates to insults threats and vulgar emails.

[@Terri_Hugs]

My husband use to say "look what you made me do" when he would lose his temper and break everything within reach! One day I looked at him and said "I didn't know I had so much control over you!" The look on his face was priceless! That was the last time he ever said that!

[@brown_eyed_girl]

Your reply was EPIC! 😂

[@Terri_Hugs]

@@brown_eyed_girl It's a true story! Everyone should take responsibility for their own actions and I made him take responsibility for himself.

[@Hatbox948]

Good one!

[@DavidFraser007]

Yep, I made mistakes, but that was my childhood and my teenage years. I went from absolute fear to being a reactionary when I was older. There was no help, no recognition of the real problem, just my gut instincts that I was somehow right and that nobody would believe me. I up and left when I was 18. Children are really chained to narcissist parents, they can't fight back or even react without consequences.

[@phoenixrising7149]

Same here : we're awesome :)

[@magdakarpacz6174]

My 11 year old son eventually seen true colour of his covert narcissist dad and went no contact as soon as my non molestation order came through. I'm happy I finally found our freedom. ☺

[@C7774u]

Yes , it's a hostage situation for children .

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad you've found liberation, David. Dr. C

[@Blue-hf7xt]

Inner child therapy can heal childhood wounds

[@kellydrodgers8957]

1-When they acknowledge they need to develop healthier coping mechanisms for dealing with things they find offensive, to the point of agreeing with my suggestions, and my belief they'd actually start using those healthier coping mechanisms. 2-Believing they'd show more tolerance towards others who may not be as 'skilled' as them, realising life isn't a competition, it's not about 'being better' than other people. 3-Telling them plans I have made to move on. This is a big one. If one has plans to exit the situation, keep those plans to yourself. They'll do anything to throw a wrench into the gears to disrupt progress.

[@lindasharpe7039]

Thank You 💙

[@AB-ec5qv]

Yes. My husband hates it when I succeed at anything. I’ve been clawing back the person I was without his influence. Almost there.

[@susanmunoz7688]

So very true, never tell them you’re making a plan to exit. Just leave safely and quickly.

[@daphventurer7475]

The covert ones can even agree with you about your plan to leave. And then they will come up with some covert scheme to get back in and cross the boundary they agreed upon. An example: I told my covert brother that he is too close to my overt narcissistic mother and so I am not comfortable staying close to him. I told him openly that I am going to block his number and only leave one social media channel open in case of anything important and he agreed. Then a few months later, he started offering to give me things and he would always mention that he tried to call me but he was not able to reach me... as if he had forgotten about the agreement or boundary. Then he recently did one more covertly insensitive thing to me and this time, I blocked him completely even on social media... no explaining or talking to him first. It finally sunk in that these people can play dumb about you explain to them and what they do to you. So you just have to block them out and leave without any explanation.

[@keplermission4947]

I reckon that the Members Only videos should be in the best rooms and the free videos should have some boring rear view, just a white wall, you know? Just so we know when we're listening First Class and you know, Economy class. On free videos Dr Carter should wear really cheap shirts and the dog sitting on the chair ... should be a stuffed toy.

[@margochanning6868]

Anger WITHOUT bitterness and vindictiveness is important to maintain. The best way to escape narcissists that all tend to be vindictive, is make the narcissist feel like they won and got the best of me - even if in some ways they have. Much better than continuing to play the no win games with a narcissist.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So true. Dr. C

[@freshstrt3140]

Yes. Thank you.. thank you

[@freshstrt3140]

No win games. No win no win. No win games. Nobody wins. There is nothing to win. Only time to waste.

[@emmatador7947]

Be angry, but sin not…I often think of this proverb when dealing with my mother & man, it was hard, but I never regretted it.

[@ktwhimsy6946]

I totally agree with this! After discovering how my ex had sabotaged the gal he was seeing before me (they worked together, and he complained to management that she “touched him inappropriately” and got her fired! They were dating at that time, but coworkers/managers had no idea) - I decided to write him an email explaining how all the issues in our relationship were my fault, and that he was totally 100% right about everything. That actually made the smear campaigns stop, and granted me peace… even though it was total BS. I honestly couldn’t believe he went for it, but that is how badly they need to be “right” - I’m okay with him thinking I’m the one to blame because I know it’s not true, he was awful & abusive & manipulative as hell, but I was able to escape by saying I was the bad guy. Not exactly a win, but no contact for 2 years certainly is!

[@reeese66]

Your viewpoints are awesome. I love the way you put self over blame or victimhood, without victim shaming or being dismissive or using toxic positivity.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased it resonated!!

[@Jpom22]

Dr. Carter is one of the best counselors on the web! The importance of enlightening people to the dangers of narcissists cannot be underrated. Well done!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks so much! Dr. C

[@andicastro1203]

During a two year marriage to an alcoholic narc. I not only couldn’t recognize myself. But a few years after the divorce I went for a check up with a doctor who had a picture of me in the folder that was taken only a few months after my marriage. The staff and doctor debated for over thirty minutes if I was that patient or not. I had returned to my old free self and looked so lovely that they didn’t recognize me!

[@wendyeskelin8765]

Wow. I've seen that in others too. A total change to another person looking younger/happier after leaving a crap relationship

[@tedschmitt178]

I lived in that appeasement mode for 31 years. Walking on eggshells, questioning everything I was about to do or say, repeatedly having to apologize for everything because nothing was ever right, and on and on. But the punishment continues now seven years after the divorce because my only kid is being used as a flying monkey, and the kid hasn’t spoken to me in over five years.

[@steviep9780]

I'm so sorry for you. I can have only so much compassion for the flying monkeys. If they were like you and me, they would question what they are told by the narcissist, and ask for answers directly from the real victims... and understand that they themselves are victims of the narcissist's lies. But they follow the narcissist BLINDLY, without question... and that isn't normal at all. Ultimately we have to consider the possibility that the victim/f.m. is him/her-self a narcissist. All of this presupposes you did everything in your power to maintain the relationship in the earlier years and protect him/her from the influences of mother; however, even then, sometimes NOTHING is going to keep them from becoming narcissist. DNA and inherent disposition may have as much to do with becoming narcissistic as environment, or so the research says. Glad you're no longer appeasing!

[@seasonedveteran7732]

Same situation . Five years since I spoke with my two kids. They are flying monkeys and the last thing my ex would ever want is for them to have a loving relationship with me. The pathology in her is severe and completely caught me off guard when she filed. Such rage. I’ve moved on. Now in a 7 year healthy relationship and looking forward to great things ahead.

[@susanq6398]

Same here. I have a running commentary in my head justifying every small thing i do as the chances of being criticized for it are almost 100% and I need to be ready. Luckily my children are fully aware and have more or less cut ties with our narc. Trying to find the courage for that final leap to leave.

[@CPaul-cm7qk]

I really like the quote, "Take your experiences and turn them into a springboard for Growth"

[@maureenbennett809]

I have never heard of narcissism until I came across your channel last year and I just want to express my gratitude to you because it was while I was watching your channel I was able to get closure and save my sanity. It was also why I decided to leave my ex narc last year after 10 years (too long) and I am eternally grateful, much appreciated. You are doing a good thing. Keep up the great works. ❤️❤️👍

[@HeeersEllery]

I had heard about it but always (wrongly) assumed that it was just an overinflated ego and never thought about the negative toxic ways in which they treat others.

[@405OKCShiningOn]

5, explaining everything is exhausting. It's their time waster. I learned their love of arguing outdoes any passions I had for hobbies, dinner, events, after all the yelling I don't have any hearing left to listen to my gut. I lost my self confidence even self agency. Recovery are baby steps. Everyday I motivate myself to smile. 👂🎨🎼💐🤝🙏💯

[@lynnehaeberle5641]

WOW! This video hit the nail on the head for me. For 10 years, I’ve been trying to connect with my 5 kids over the divorce with my narcissistic husband of 36 years. For 10 years, while they verbally (with no empathy, whatsoever) acknowledge the abuse from my ex, they have been telling me what is wrong with me. The more I try to defend my own feelings, the more I am told what else is wrong with ME. 4 days ago, it hit me like a ton of bricks, that my children have turned into narcissists and I am their scapegoat. I will never be good enough for them. So, I took steps to set boundaries. I did it calmly, without accusations toward them, but trying to tell them my own feelings and what feelings I am experiencing. All holy hell broke loose upon me, confirming what I had just discovered..... they are narcissists. They decided to use the grandkids as pawns, stating that if I don’t conform to their ideas of what I should be, they will not visit or let me visit anymore. I am done.

[@anna_ulrike]

Wauw. Big step, well done ❤❤❤❤❤

[@LoveFaithLive]

@Lynne Haeberle All power to you!! Hard as it is to acknowledge that certain people just don't want you in their lives and so threaten like this, it becomes bearable to live without them and the pain does begin to subside.

[@oceanrock733]

Don’t stop speaking from your gut. You are equal to everyone else.

[@janetamplin7318]

Congratulations 👏👏👏 YOU ARE NOW THE PROUD INDEPENDENT WOMAN that has a beautiful freedom of self choice ahead of YOU. EMBRACE IT .🌹💕💞💖

[@janetamplin7318]

Yep 1st rule of your new freedom is agree agree state they are right politely leave asp HEAD UP Ehrn SAFE think every despicable word about them have a chuckle and ENJOY YOUR FREEDOM.

[@skymeadow7762]

I used to play guitar and write songs, I drew and painted and was very social. Where did she go? I did all those things endlessly 😸 my god, thank you 💖

[@janetamplin7318]

Just pick up your guitar 🎸 and play.

[@debbiecarson6958]

Oh Please Tell Me Do🕊 # 1 past memories that were false to begin with # 2 Lack of Self Dignity # 3 Believing they are on the same mindset as you are # 4 Believing you can change them, even if it’s your child # 5 Allowing yourself to grieve what wasn’t real , from there you can achieve self Growth , moving on

[@AMTSA1]

Agree. I cry for what could/should have been as 90% was just crap but the 10% kept me going back

[@debbiecarson6958]

@@AMTSA1 ...Exactly dear 🕊💕

[@choosepeacetoday]

Yes. The grief is like a death.

[@sandrarollins3435]

Information is freedom.

[@AedanGUnit]

Loneliness plus love bombing equals an eventual train wreck.

[@davidhinkson8856]

Story of how I got into a relationship with a narc to begin with.

[@francesmartel7948]

@@davidhinkson8856 me too; got me in a very vulnerable state, did the major love bombing, then came the criticizing, the fighting, the gaslighting, the silent treatments, the verbal abuse, and 18 years later, I’m finally free because he died of cancer.

[@francesmartel7948]

I deserve the peace, and would be TERRIFIED to get into another relationship at this point.

[@krystynahellstrom3185]

What is interesting is: why an intelligent and independent person just doesn't walk out in the beginning. Of course there are many reasons. But maybe fear of being lonely is so strong that people stay.

[@SweetUniverse]

The narcissist was my mother & I never could get away from her

[@mikediamond353]

I wish your ideas could be introduced to every person in high school. Hasten the division of mankind.

[@lindaystes8454]

So true then I would known what I was going through with my then boyfriend turned husband!

[@truthfinder6932]

Mike, division? Recently read an article that few Americans are educated about daily work of marriage and self. A real disservice to our children. Hollywood sold the Hallmark version and DeBeers the diamond and someone else the expensive wedding. Too bad. Something should be taught in school about how to approach disagreements and how to negotiate in marriage/relationship. Not sex ed to gradeschoolers.

[@mikediamond353]

I agree, but also it seems this pathway of forced ignorance was planned by a highly organized group that wants to keep its existence secret. Sounds paranoid, I know, but remarkable evidence is right now coming out regarding election fraud. The division I'm talking about is our exposure of, and separation from these "people"

[@jh2325]

Agreed. There should be lessons about the minds of people and how the body and mind are so connected that the slightest thought can trigger the worst pain

[@joywebster2678]

Teaching kids....what do they do when they recognize the narc character is their parent? Or teacher? How do they cope with that? What could be taught is the healthy way to relate, and build relationships. That used to happen as early as grade school when manners were taught and enforced in the classroom, bullies stood in the hall, and parents didn't come rushing in to find out when their child is sitting at the vice principals office....or in my sister's case, punch her the vp for verbally reprimanding a violent child.

[@mgb7140]

If you've had a lifetime of having your "self" imposed from outside, it can be so confusing when you leave. Who is ME? I expect it will take a while to find out.

[@bikkuridesu2407]

I used to just go along with everything my wife said. She used to point out every little thing I did "wrong", or which she didn't like, "You left the light on in the bathroom", "You left a plate on the table", "You spend too much time at the computer", "You came back too late", but it would always be in a tone which was disrespectful, and condecending (she would also ignore me for a week or so if I came back late - only ever used to go out a handful of times a year). I used to make the best effort I could to "correct" the things she criticised, I've always had pretty low self esteem, and I wanted everyone to be happy, so I didn't really question it (I was nieve too). At some point though, I started getting quite pissed off, as I started noticing that she was doing a lot of the same things that she criticised me for doing. At one point, she said something about a light being left on, and I snapped, and told her outrght of all the things she had criticised me for - I had now been counting up all the things she had done, and the number of times she had done the same things. To my surprise she looked embarrassed and sheepish, It was the first time I actually stood up for myself against her. I don't think she did it again after that, but things did get worse in the long run (physical attacks, long term affair, emotional abuse, threats of suicide if I left). At some point after the criticising period, she started giving me options "What should we do, A or B?" I would choose one, let's say "A" and she would think about it a second, and then go with option "B" and talk down the option I chose. Eventually I was straight up, and when she asked me A or B, I said "You choose, you always choose the opposite anyway." We have kids, and she also used a similar thing in relation to them, my kids may have asked me something "Can I have an ice-cream?", "Can I go to the park?" or the likes, and whatever I chose, if my wife overheard, or asked them what they were doing, she would tell them the opposite of what I chose. Eventually, unless she was not there, I would tell them to just ask their mother. "Dad can I have an ice-cream?", "If you finish your homework." wife would interject, "It's okay, you can have an ice-cream." I don't even know for sure that my wife is a narcissist, but I felt trapped in the relationship since before we got married (should have seen it then!), and many of these videos remind me of things that have occurred in our relationship. I also heavily suspect she has BPD. We're currently going through divorce. She keeps telling me how she's sorry, and wishes she could change the past, and asking me to give her one chance, but I've had enough. I gave her many chances, and I've run out of patience. Guess I picked up some of my backbone after 11 years.

[@fdfyujmjjuogdy9564]

A narcissist made me sick. Mentally, emotionally and even spiritually. I will never ever dream such a person to be with me in any way. I am already unhealthy myself in some way and he only made it worse. But he's kind of believing that he's helping me when the reality is no. I am losing myself with what he does. He never ever did a thing to help me and make me feel genuinely happy. He's so called philosophies in life that doesn't even fit him makes me mad at him even more. There's a big difference with honesty and disrespect. And I believe he never realized the difference. Because it will cut and bleed you when he simply calls it honesty and being true. And now while saying these words, this will surely make me the person that is evil for making him looked bad.

[@lorikurasz9299]

I will never put up with anyone that makes me feel like I have to justify myself ever again.

[@kimlarsson7259]

Yup, I was right. I have made all these mistakes, and I made them for years. I hate the person I became around narcissists. I became a parody of myself, a clown.

[@anna_ulrike]

No you not a clown. You are wearing the costume they need you to wear so that they cant see themselves . Take of the costume. I see you , I believe in you ❤

[@kimlarsson7259]

@@anna_ulrike Thanx for support ❤️👍 I can proudly say, my life is narc free. I no longer wear a clown costume. To hell with it.

[@anna_ulrike]

@@kimlarsson7259 that is more than awesome, I am so happy for you ❤❤❤

[@kimlarsson7259]

@@anna_ulrike Thanx 🌟 Education is everything.

[@jamiewilliams829]

A friend of mine can't accept that most people have busy lives and don't have time to spend hours talking on the phone.

[@lindadobberstein2035]

I remember years ago when my ex and I were in the counselor’s office! He told me, he just sneers at you, which meant he looked at me with contempt! He’s long gone!

[@svenial]

One mistake I made was saying „No“ and not keeping it- he didn’t take a „No“ for a „No“. For him it was a sign to put me under more pressure and talking until I said „Yes“. Left him about a month ago and he‘s still not leaving me alone - he doesn‘t respect any boundaries I made.. and other mistakes I did and I really have to work on it 🙏🏻 Thank you Dr. Carter for your videos (and your Books) Getting a lot of strength and courage to become the person I want to be and finally live my life ☺️

[@svenial]

@Mary Carroll yea you‘re totally right about it! There were so many mistakes I made subconsciously- but no matter how painful it is or was I‘ve learned so many things about me and my life and so I‘m grateful for the experience (I wouldn’t have watched this channel or read all the books if I didn‘t met him or my Ex before that. so there had to be at least 1 good thing coming out of the relationship)

[@bets8483]

They make you feel like a true punching bag. All their anger, with whatever or whoever, is dumped on you. Their lashing out at you is like the devil himself. Having a normal conversation to talk things out is out of the question- what they know is for them to shout (especially when confronted with the truth), their need to be in control of the conversation. They have no interest in knowing how you feel - how their words & actions affect you. At the end of the day, they do an excellent job & making one feel like a doormat

[@susanbenson3232]

All true! Through 42 yrs of "marriage", I did all of this! I didn't even look at narcissism until the 42nd yr. I looked for answers everywhere, lost myself, & almost lost my mind. I finally set boundaries, stopped engaging, in order to stop reacting & protect myself from further damage. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't get along with him. Covert narcissism is why! God is helping me heal & move forward. It's never too late. Thank you, for this affirming video! Many times I wondered if I was the narcissist, because I'd become so reactive. I removed myself from the viscious circle, stopped trying to appease, defend myself, hope he'd listen or care, & now, I'm getting better! I'm putting my energy into me, & others who don't drain & walk all over me.

[@danielrobles7600]

Thank you Dr. Carter, I'm 41 years of age and turn 42 August 16. For the past month I've been battling bouts of anger and depression because of my mother's narcissism and lifelong years of sexual, physical, verbal and medical abuse. Me and my siblings are heavily damaged and my younger adult sister who is autistic in her late 20's still resides with mother and still endures terrible abuse till this day. I have finally concluded in order to ward off suicide I must break away although she tries to lure me back in constantly. She presents a facade of decent Christian mother to the world, but in private smiles while delivering evil verbal attacks in private. We have been institutionalized and have attempted suicide and different points of our lives and at the present moment we are all separated by choice although living with intense pain. Your videos are giving me the vital information I need to survive this and I listen to your videos at work. Literally cried hundreds of times but I've made a pledge to myself to stop the self destructive behavior and be happy. Thank you, sir.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Daniel, it means a lot to me that you find strength in the videos. You're why I do them. BTW, on my Dr. Les Carter channel is a video called, What Does It Mean To Be Spiritual. On the SN channel are videos (try a search) for knowing when it is time to leave a narcissist. Please practice self care. There is a reason you are in this life, and if the narcissist wishes to squelch it, that's on her. I hope you have a therapist or someone who can walk with you during your time of transition. In the meantime, I'm honored to be with you on your journey. Stay strong. Dr. C

[@Elizabeth-yg2mg]

Happy Birthday, Daniel! Take good care of yourself.

[@SweetUniverse]

My mother was the same. She pretended to be a devoted christian, but in reality was the most evil person, especially to children, which she enjoyed. My mother really ruined me. I attempted suicide & been hospitalized. It's taking me a lifetime to recover from my mother.

[@melianelson9036]

Happy Birthday! Stay Strong. Information is power.

[@critchie]

Happy Birthday. You deserve happiness. Letting go of how you wish things were is very powerful. Congratulations on your soul journey to date… you are doing great! Celebrate this success. 🎉

[@cynthiathomas5754]

I stayed stuck and regret the loss of the best years of my life and trust.

[@betty39031]

I was with a narcissist for 5 months, 1,5 being love bombarding. Then it changed suddenly and I got to know a person who was in rage, calling me names and hating me every time I mentioned that I would need sth or that some of his actions hurt me. He would keep repeating I need to work harder on our relationship, that he has nothing to thank me for, I give him nothing at all (hepressured me to give him a list of what I had given him, complaining that I don't have such thing). He would reject to hug me or touch me claiming he is not in the mood and it's my job to make him feel like hugging me. He would also say my moods or feelings are fully up to me and if I'm sad I shouldn't express it, escpecially if it's about him. He would frequently say how stupid all the people are, how ridiculous my friends are, how different he is from other people. He hated when I had different opinion than his, or different mood, different pace of cycling.... all he wanted was a unity. He would say it openly. And when I asked "ok, so who is going to decide what feeling or mood are acceptable at given moment?' he said "oh well you don't need to be with me, decide on your own if you wish". I was shocked. I could go on and on on how peculiar his perspective was. That was the very first time I had met a person like this. He claimed that one should say sorry in order to make peace, and sorry doesnt mean that one regrets doing sth wrong. That we say sorry aiming at specific result.... blew my mind. All his actions aimed at achievieng results, but never expressedn any feelings. It took me about month and a half to realise he has litlle or no empathy at all, that he pretends or manipulates most of the times. The only that felt authentic was anger and what I sensed as sufffering (underneath anger). I think he really suffered. I left him after these five months (10 days ago), choosing to save myself. I will be forever greatful for having good friends and loving family. They didn;t know his dark side but it was enough that after spending joyful time with them time with my ex was shockingly unpleasant. Good to have ppl who treats you with love. Thank you for your work at the videos, they are very helpful

[@tootienottoofruitie1726]

Giving someone the benefit of the doubt comes first to mind

[@TM-hl9me]

Another thing that may keep one mentally tied to them is one's fear, which was triggered or aggravated by their irrational aggression. And they can smell it. Even after one has distance, the fear remains, especially if one is a fearful person in general. Then it colours everything one does.

[@katiewoenker2633]

I feel you! Lived with this from my father growing up and his rageful outbursts. Also he'd get even more angry if I just complied or said whatever he wanted to hear because he could smell I wasn't truly considering/agreeing/acquiescing. It was like I was forced to hear him out/fully respond emotionally/acknowledge some fault as mine for fear he'd physically hurt me which he did on occasion.

[@olyooshka]

They feel it and turn it against you like in a gaslight of: "an innocent person has nothing to fear" - yeah, right, a raging delusional nutjob wielding their money and connections along with threats of physical harm is only scary to bad people who absolutely deserve punishment. Not scary to anyone else. The fallacies, great foolishness great harm to others..

[@shan2964]

Just have to face it!!!!! You have to get away, realize that you are dying, aging, deteriorating in every way, please don't wait as long as I have to try to leave 🙏🙏. Please... Don't put it off another day, week, month, year, decade, God please help me to have the strength to finally get out 🙏🙏. AMEN

[@kellymackie4836]

I had a "pastor" who fit the narcissistic behavior like 100%. It was a small, independent church so no real accountability and he could do what he wanted. Due to his dual personality and fake charm, ppl believed him when he smeared me and my family. He taught ppl "team player" mentality which meant back him and his family even when they were biblically wrong, as in lying, and temper tantrums and slandering to name a few. So we finally hit rock bottom and broke all ties and relocated and life is beautiful again! BUT I did very deep soul searching on how I got into that mess to begin wth. Here's what I learned: Never "need" acceptance from ppl. We all need some acceptance but don't allow ANYONE to be that important, as in more important than being treated wth dignity. 2. TRUST YOUR INSTINCT. it is not lying to you. Tho I knew nothing about narcissists at the time, it was within 3 months things felt eerie somehow. After trusting instincts, ACT ON THEM. Don't stick around another 4 years hoping things will get better-- THEY WON'T. I put up with so much crap because I wanted "acceptance" well never again. So what really matters is your children's well-being, your own well-being... take your time wth ppl and don't invest very much up front. I'm so thankful I finally have a name to explain what we went through. These videos are SO VALIDATING. THANK YOU DR. C! So we moved on in peace and did our own soul searching. No more narcs!! Blessings to all.

[@susanmunoz7688]

God Bless you and your. As Jesus said in the end times watch out for deception and the wolf in sheep’s clothing. Thank you Jesus for helping us ☝️❤️

[@stacymurphy2599]

I think we must have went to the same church!

[@kellymackie4836]

@Mary Carroll thank you for your reply! At that place, the "pastor" did every sign - the rages, the smear campaign, the flying monkeys 🐒 and head games. The wife picked fights over any tiny thing she could and they all lied all the time. I was like - yall must have a different Bible than I do! I questioned my own sanity which they were goading at continually anyways. I think the whole bunch is mentally ill. Take care of yourself!! Please. God bless you 🙏❤

[@kellymackie4836]

@Mary Carroll I'll pray!!

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I like the "Reactor" analogy, the Narc is a "nuclear meltdown" catalyst.

[@kimberlylee6205]

After 20 year with narcissist I’m free but yet lost 😞 I had no clue who I am . It has been one year now that I left him and he is blocked. I’m a survivor and healing and I’m still standing. These videos are heaven sent . Your an earth Angel sent to help us wounded warriors.

[@dinky-diridgy-didge636]

Thanks Dr C it's morning I'm outside sitting in the sun having a coffee cat on my lap. Haven't seen Satan this morning so, so far so good 😂 I needed this reminder again to push forward!!!

[@TheOriginalAryan]

1. You became a reactor 2. Assertiveness gives into unhealthy anger 3. Defensiveness is triggered too often 4. Your validity is based on them 5. You can appease the narcissist to the extent you lose yourself

[@michelepascoe6068]

Lived all those mistakes. Practising better ways now. Old dogs can learn new tricks.

[@debb4598]

Divorced for 15 years from the narcissist and I've come a long way especially with these video. He recently died and although I feel bad for his family and hurt for our son, I feel free!

[@jamesarmstrong4179]

Debb,You are beautiful,you don't need a narcissist at all in your life!

[@Grace-ft9ep]

The first three resonated with me. It's hard not to react, get angry and become defensive when so much of their arsenal is deceit, manipulation and gaslighting, when they're spreading lies and trying to undermine your good character and reputation. I have a narc mother and a narc brother, they are both brittle, fragile, prone to violent rages and have zero moral compass. The saddest thing is that they spend an inordinate amount of time plotting and scheming to stay on top of people. It's like they're on a treadmill. The irony is that if we become enmeshed in their shenanigans, we too can end up wasting ridiculous amounts of energy, which would be much better spent living a peaceful life. I think that is the crux of Dr C's message.

[@nancymurphy6483]

Our marriage counselor said we both had a dark and ugly side, and we brought out the worst in each other. I agreed. I didn’t even like myself by the time I left him. My ex said, “I have a dark side, but I don’t have an ugly side.” This from the man who had split my lip open, and shoved me up against a wall and screamed in my ear as loudly as he could. He hit his first wife and justified it by saying, “right or wrong, it seemed to work, and we are not a violent family. There were never any fists or weapons used.” Good Grief!

[@rebeccamarchand6689]

I have a narcissist mother and only realized one year ago that she had controlled my life and who I had become. Just like her. I sought therapy and then wound up dating a narcissist!!!! After two years I found he had been involved in numerous affairs and In the end I tried to take my life but got inpatient therapy and I now see so clearly who I was before the narcissistic control started as a small child. She is who I am again and my life is open to so much more now that I’m not frantically trying to appease my mother. Thank you for your work. I’m validated almost every time I watch your channel. 🙏🏼🙋🏼‍♀️

[@janettemartin4604]

God BLESS! It doesn’t just go away after she dies I will inform you! I didn’t start realizing the depth of my Mother’s abuse until AFTER her Death and learning how BAD she and my sister’s really treated me! You feel how bad you have it but cannot pin point it! Anyways it’s there and it took me SEEING it to realize it and many years of grieving and shame to start feeling HUMAN!

[@patriciametzler4719]

Wow! MONDAY FOOD I NEEDED. GOD BLESS THIS MAN.

[@jamesarmstrong4179]

Patricia Metzler,You are beautiful,I hope you are not with a narc narcissist?

[@rexwillhite4751]

I do apologize for venting like a madman, you've got better things to do and I'm not paying you to have to read a small book. Also you probably will and I think you're one of the most kind-hearted teachers I've ever listened to. Your videos have helped me keep it together since I've been here God bless you

[@tracey15]

I Thank God for you! I came here two years ago however, I went back with the narcissist and now I am back here to you. This time I was physically injured and I will not go back. Thank you for all of your help and for sharing your knowledge because you do save lives 🙏

[@vickiredfeather4808]

Trust issues. I use to trust my gut now i question myself..not good

[@jamesarmstrong4179]

vicki redfeather,You look stunning,hope you are not with a narcissist....

[@jeannefarrar621]

I consider it a privilege to have the chance to learn from you. Thank you, Dr. Carter.

[@Amy-ly3uq]

Narc grandparents spend a lot of time “grading” parents. You can never measure up to their amazing parenting. My narc mil constantly says how I should take her advice because her sons turned out so well. Obviously how she did things was perfect so I should do it her way.

[@Xocoa]

Yea, I reminded my narc mother the reason I turned out so well is because I learned from her own failures. Of course that's too confontational for a narc 🤣

[@ExtremeSurvivor_1]

@@Xocoa 🤫😎😬💥😋

[@shelleysolomon2228]

Lol. My grandson is highly desrespectful. Not cool. Waste of time discussing it with his parents. Hes very enabled. Now I refuse to see them.

[@truthheals3564]

This was so helpful and I'm very thankful for people's comments. The first 1/2 of our marriage I reacted by crying and appeasing putdowns, baiting, and name calling such as: juvenile, baby, bitch, brat, holy spirit, I'm not taking your crap anymore, leave, hit the road, split everything 50-50, I'm done, after all I've done for you, go ahead walk away until the next time you need me, you have nothing to say about anything or anyone, its over, you're too dependent on me, grow up! I eventually learned to give it right back, but its not helpful and he twists my reactions so that he becomes a victim. After 30 plus years, I've finally realized defending his bruised ego has greater value to him than our relationship . There is no reasoning.

[@jenniferolivarez5204]

I’m exhausted just listening to what they do. I have aged quicker as well. I’m so glad I’m learning about this. Thank you so much Doc! 🙌🏽💕

[@immaculatedocnato2054]

The more I tried to make things work, the worse he got. We become poorer as years went by. He got more sources of narcissistic supply every day.

[@gillianbrookwell1678]

Thank you Doctor Carter, I love your videos; I tried for years to tell my narcissist husband of over a forty year relationship that nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes in our lives, yet he would say that the mistakes were mine and not his. I've been separated from him for seven years, but he still likes to keep tabs on me, trying to control my life; he has always lacked empathy and after 48 years, it's unlikely he'll never change and looking back, we were never soul mates.

[@tandlreeve]

My father is a narcissist (and so is my father in law:)) and unfortunately over the years my mother has practically lost the ability to see things rationally and independently. I love them both and my mother is also my best friend but it is extremely frustrating trying to explain to her how deeply flawed and entitled my father's conflicts and dealings with people are.

[@boostmobile9249]

Me is just as VALUABLE. SELF-ESTEEM, SELF-RESPECT TO BE ABLE TO KEEP my head UP. LIKE TO FEEL IMPORTANT, ALSO. NEED TO HEAL. FEELING COMPLETE by myself 😉!

[@phoenixrising7149]

I am giggling because Dr Carter is right and it's such a happy moment (he could have been talking about me and my experiences). It's not me: it's them.

[@randystache78]

Its validating to hear him say "it's them" isn't it? We aren't crazy after all! 😆

[@cynthiaspell9405]

Only 5? I made at least 20! One for every year I stayed.

[@robertapfau2355]

Great advice as I believe that ‘Gut Feeling’ is really the Holy Spirit!🙏🏻

[@brittanymcdonaldbarr1106]

I feel the same as you

[@mdmmalou]

Gut Feeling: Your inner knowing, the Holy Grale 😉

[@choosepeacetoday]

Yes. I have become much closer to God. It is comforting to know that I can trust God 100%, while I fight this spiritual battle.

[@javiervidal366]

Agree 💯. Also helps to pray and listen intently for guidance.

[@danielschmid5408]

Why are people choosing to get out of an emotional abusive relationship and than practising an emotional abusive religion? I dont get it. Somekind of spirituality may have helped you out there. Thats what i believe to. But my gut feeling is definitly not the holy spirit. And a mental disorder is a sickness rather than demonic possesion. At the end it doesnt matter. Get out. Live.

[@wendychavez5348]

Oh, yes! He claimed to admire my honest nature, though as time went on I found myself being less and less honest, mostly to cover up for his blatant lies. I knew from the very start that he had a very flexible relationship with truth, and thought that awareness would help protect me from his dishonesty. What actually happened is that I became complicit, and wilfully ignorant of many things. I'm just happy to be away from that influence, and connected with someone who loves me for myself and is open about himself--including the less likable traits on both sides.

[@PsychoLogisch]

Almost tried to understand logically but my therapist told me to look on it how I felt and damn I was exhausted didn’t knew who I became That video is gold

[@ellie..bell10]

Nailed it with my marriage to my narcissistic spouse! Everything this Dr described about the one being married to a narcissist was me! My spouse served me with divorce papers and was the best thing they could have done for me!

[@MKEditsxx]

I've reacted so much with my ex They really turn you into someone you don't like when you're long enough with them :/ Lots of crying and standing up to myself, defending my feelings and family and dignity... all causing me even more harm cz they never acknowledge this and keep shifting the blame onto you Stop reacting to them is one of the hardest but best thing you can do NO contact is beautiful it brings you the peace you've been wanting for so long but still it feels like rehab trying to remember your former self, meditating, regaining your energy and strength, not depending on them anymore... Sometimes it is near impossible to get away from them especially family members but still not being reactive to their smears and insults is a beautiful start to keep your sanity

[@elspethfougere9683]

Thank you Dr Carter, this differentiation between reacting to baiting and taunting, vs having a conflict driven personality disorder, and enjoying hurting people, is really helpful and validating. If we make mistakes with ordinary people it's easier to Appologies because you know there will be forgiveness and harmony again.. With a narc there is no resolution ever, there's no intent to resolve, there's no effort to talk through disagreements when you've both cooled down. It's so disheartening and it's easy to stay frustrated or defensive, but that just plays to their hand. I like the idea that in noticing this pattern, we can use that insight to strengthen our resolve not to take the bait, neither to fight nor to blame ourselves, or let ourselves be crushed, nor to give in to pushing back anyore than we need to to stay safe and get away. Self defense is always alright, but it's better to walk away if we can. It's so hard, when it's work, survival, or family