The Question that Comes Up in All New Adult Friendships - Letters From Esther Live

There is something unique about connecting in a new group space with new people in real time. You can walk in alone, but you won’t be lonely for very long. But there is always the question: how much of myself should I share?
This is a question that comes up in all new adult friendships. And it’s a topic that has fascinated me my entire adult life. When I moved from my tight-knit Belgium community to Israel for university, I was perplexed by how one makes friends without having grown up with each other-without knowing each others’ parents and seeing inside each others’ homes. When I moved to America, the question evolved: how do you make friends with people who know nothing about where you come from?
In this month's workshop, we'll explore the anxiety around making new friends and the mental health impact of turning toward people, rather than away.
I’ll be discussing this month’s newsletter on the question that comes up in all new adult friendships.
Letters from Esther Perel is a monthly newsletter and free workshop series created to help you deepen your connections through reflection and action. Sign up for the series here: bitly.com/lettersfromesther

[@stephbyerly9491]

It's a shame that you can't friend people on KZbin and have private conversations with them. I feel like the people who listen to you Esther would all have a lot in common and may well form some very close friendships.

[@universalwildling3566]

Regarding ghosting- I know people who do that because of their own anxiety or depression- it has nothing to do with the other person.

[@simini1837]

I am happy you applaud friendships between men and women!!

[@Michael-mo6gx]

Esther saying she’s been on the receiving end of friendship breakups makes me feel seen right now.

[@cristinalacoste2062]

I'm in my sixties and have a hard time making friends at this stage of my life. I'm trying to do the things I love and hopefully that will allow me to meet new people and maybe make a new friend.

[@MrAlligator3]

I really admire your persistence, and it is very valuable to me to make friends from all stages of life. Best of luck on your journey.

[@Unknown-us1fc]

I’m forever always thankful for you, Esther. It’s amazing how much of an impact you’ve had on my life-without even knowing me. ❤

[@MR-hv1mo]

I find it difficult to make friends because people always seem to put unspoken expectations on me and grow resentful when I can't live up to them.

[@stephbyerly9491]

What sort of expectations?

[@artifundio1]

I feel the same way as you described! After decades trying to solve this my best guess is that my looks don't match my way of thinking. I have traveled around the world a bit, and the response in other places is almost the same. I am in the spectrum, but people say to me "no, you can't be, you don't look like you are" as a compliment 🤯

[@MR-hv1mo]

@@stephbyerly9491 That I have to show up a certain amount for social gatherings, even when I am depleted. Or, most often, that I have to take care of the other person without them telling me what they need and expecting me to read their emotions to know when they are upset. If I don't, I am accused of being selfish, not caring, or things having to be "my way."

[@ma-Ximus]

I know one that behaves as such, in a possessive relationship and she dictates all our outings and if I don't contact and stick with her like gorilla glue, she considers the worse betrayal. I prefer the route of solitude or having my dog and plants as friends instead. Nope.

[@katec9893]

Wow I could have written that myself. By adulthood I've found most people have set ways of doing things with the opinion that other ways are inferior to their own. So if I befriend them I'm expected to fit in with their rules Ie one phonecall per month and no WhatsApp, or only WhatsApp voice messages, or only texts and no WhatsApp etc. The rules are never expressly declared but I'm expected to work them out or be cast aside if I don't. It's pretty tiring. One woman even shouted at me for not inviting her out 'after she'd invited me out twice' and 'sending her too many voice messages' after I was trying to match her communication style which involved her sending me lots of long voice messages. She was a bit crazy so I ended all contact with her after that. I wish people could be more flexible.

[@adrianabrown1011]

I am listening while I sit with my cat and eat breakfast the morning after your talk and I am crying because everything hits so close to home! The older we get, the harder it seems to reach out to others yet it is vital that we do! You show us how to talk about real things and I am so thankful for that. ❤

[@emiliaciontoiu4]

Oh yeahhh😅😅😂 i feel you dear. I feel that deeply now that i am 23😂😂 the struggle is real at times

[@ArghMatey]

crying too!

[@whadis404]

I’m 60 this year I was always very extroverted I could make instant friendships especially with shyer people even if only for the length of the party or time they needed a friend I am a trauma survivor from childhood til adulthood Many many “friends” have betrayed, abused and/or rejected me I’m told that I’m annoying, I’m criticised often many times unfairly They give themselves permission to do this to me! NOW I’m introverted I trust just about nobody! I stay away from people as much as I possibly can I can’t open. Up to friends about ME.. it’s too much Their eyes glaze over and I see them burdened by my stories I’ve always accomplished “life” alone (even when surrounded by “friends” I think I always will Thanks for your videos As a friend Caring Compassionate Always there to help in practical ways and to listen hug or laugh I’d do anything for my friends and they know it I LOVE them ❤

[@petekdemircioglu]

😘😘😘

[@stephbyerly9491]

I feel what you're saying. When you've gone through some very heavy things, it can be difficult to connect with other people. I'm the same way. But I am just as interested in hearing their stories as I am in telling my own. I'm fascinated by people, and I want to be close to people, but I find that people these days don't seem to want much depth in friendships or romantic relationships for that matter. That's not for me. On the other hand, I think it's important that those of us who have been through these things understand how hard it can be for other people to hear it or even believe it. And we certainly don't want to continue a victim mentality by just repeating our stories over and over without moving forward. We want empathy of course, but we also want to be working on ourselves, and have companions in joyful healing too.

[@whadis404]

Yes I am intrigued by other peoples stories too I can do Superficially chit chat For a short time

[@amberstiefel9748]

I think the depth of adult friendships is hard to gauge when your history has so many instances of boundary violations and gaslighting

[@holliebingham1311]

Esther, thank you for this beautiful conversation! Please do a video on how men and women can and should have platonic friendships 🙏💕🫶

[@universalwildling3566]

Listening to this, I realize just how independent I’ve made myself. The idea of a friend scooping me up when I’m down and checking in on me is so foreign. And makes me feel anxious to be so vulnerable.

[@davidwilliams9302]

I don't know if you're still checking messages Esther, but I have one that I have noticed over time. If I invite people, they often come. A groups goes out for a night and I don't get an invitation, but if I invite them out with me, they will come. When I invite their kids over to play with mine, they send them. Yet, no invitation for my little guy to come there. There is basically zero reciprocity. I would think "it's just me" but it's now multi-generational! Here is the hurtful bit: i feel invisible. Like when I'm in front of you, I'm "real." When I an not present, I vanish from people's imagination. it's more hurtful than it may sound at first. I've gone round and round with this for years and it's rather wearing. I presume I have good social skills. People seem to enjoy me. I don't hear rumors. I just *vanish* Anyone else?

[@moua0067]

Me too. And Im trying to figure what to do :(

[@channspellman919]

It took many years, but now if I don't get reciprocal invitations after 3-4 times of someone accepting my invitations, I move on. Like you, there doesn't seem to be a "maybe it's me?" situation, because I do have friends who reciprocate. I still feel confused and slightly rejected, but have learned to let go. It is hard! Keep looking for the right people :)

[@creative45630]

Yep this resonates but also I give up on people a lot sooner now than I used to. Maybe 2 times with no reciprocity I stop trying. There’s a great School of Life video about the capacity to give up on people. What keeps you hanging on and moving on to different people? I often find it’s a fear of loneliness that keeps me hanging on but when I face that I realise I can cope with the pain and that it makes space for others to come into my life. It’s not easy!

[@stephbyerly9491]

@@creative45630 it's a difficult balancing act for me, knowing when to fight for something and knowing when to let go, and that's true for friendships as well as romantic. I don't want to treat people as throwaways, but I also don't want to hang on if there's nothing left. I'm working on this.

[@rachelcain5688]

Sometimes I think to ask a friend for coffee and go to send a text but notice the last text is me asking and them saying they can’t. It’s just too awkward to ask again.

[@ellenbruckermarshall4179]

Good friends are hard to make. Casual friends are a dime a dozen. Fake friends love-bomb, then use me, then gaslight over some disappointed expectations I never agreed to.

[@Envlo]

Friends are hard to make because I find due to past experiences people are very hurt, guarded, and even have an attack first mentality that erodes our newly budding friendship before it can even bloom

[@universalwildling3566]

I find it hard to make new friends because I don’t know where to meet them, and how to take it to the next level (beyond initial conversations). My community is rather small as well. I worry about new friendships being too emotional laborious (that they trauma dump), or too many expectations. And I feel shame about not having many friends too.

[@brucemah609]

Wow I do need this!! I really want to be a friend and have friends!! Thank you so much for laying out the gold first briks

[@manuelapinto3862]

It's really hard to find real friendships. They come and go. Don't feel disappointed about it bc having 1 or 2 real friends can be enough. The rest you just enjoy it socializing as it is. And that's it. 😊

[@stephbyerly9491]

Previously I would have agreed with you wholeheartedly. However, these days people seem to throw away a friendship like it's a used snot rag, without even much of a thought if any. "Plenty more where they came from!" This is true with dating too of course, it's the concept of well there's plenty of fish in the sea so why do I need to "settle' for this one? Why do I need to do any work to salvage this? It seems no one has any value to anyone else anymore. So my point is, that if you only have one or two real friends, and one or both of them decide to ditch you, then where are you? I mean they weren't really real if they ditch you, but you're still alone without any friends and that sucks.

[@33Jenesis]

I seldom reach out to make friends. All my friends approached me first. I was living in an apartment complex with 28 units (not large but not a 5/10 unit tight knit complex) for 28 years. I only talked to the super and didn’t know any neighbors. I moved to my retirement home 2 years ago. I talk to 2 neighbors (one next door, one across the street) and know 3 other neighbors but no regular contact. I am simply not comfortable to reach out. Thankfully I am self contained, happy to be at home not venturing out for a long time.

[@b.t.734]

So good to hear of you, Esther! Thank you.

[@peachnightlight]

Love you Esther and you're wisdom 😊

[@artifundio1]

This was absolutely beautiful. Thank you.

[@BrianAldrich]

Thank you Esther...great insights and perspective. I always feel like you've opened my mind in some new way each time I listen to you.

[@elinorwhite8915]

Ah Esther, you do so much with this lecture for so many people....I love listening to you!

[@stephaniefortney22]

Esther thank you for sharing this time Us, filled with beautiful insights and wisdom…Grateful 🌷

[@lydialove382]

Every thing you say is profoundly supportive and helpful with one exception (in my experience) that is if you say to someone “you hurt me and it’s beyond repair at this moment” is sending a mixed message that you might be willing to one day resolve things and that may keep someone hanging or give them false hope which is often a slow cruel way to make someone grieve the ending of a friendship.

[@sonalkesarwani1458]

Thank you esther.. i have been going through up and down in friendships ever since i was in 2nd grade. But this brought me so much peace after struggling 22 years....and a sense o self worth. Much love to you.

[@carolgeorge6409]

I love listening and learning from and with you♥️

[@theresas.3808]

This is a great and much needed podcast subject! I make friends easily, but can't seem to make them last,

[@Iam_ramankaur]

I loved this session ❤❤

[@Mikoyagi]

Ester, you make me smile. You give me something to look for to - when I meet my Ester. Thank you.

[@landraposvijetu6582]

I could listen Esther for hours ❤

[@baharramezani]

It was really interesting video, thank you so much

[@jaclyncunningham2483]

Thank you for sharing this :-)

[@soyamor6528]

Thanks Esther 🥰🙏❤️

[@tgordeliy]

Thank you very much for this talk! I love the questions you answered. One of the questions was about friendship between men and women. I also think it is possible and also necessary. I would not say it is primarily or necessarily to go to and talk about your primary relationship. I think it can be just to share other interests that your primary partner maybe doesn’t have or exchange on any other topic. Why not talk about your primary relationship, for some people and in some circumstances it can be quite ok, to me it is one of the topics about which you would think twice-to talk or not to. What to say and what not, how much and with whom to share. ..

[@birchc.1542]

Really love this. It rings up a whole lot of issues I’ve run into over the years but I’ll keep following and maybe I’ll share in a bit. Thank you Estel!

[@birchc.1542]

*

[@Ninetyeight89]

Thank you!

[@Robert-3691]

This is outstanding material. I recently enjoyed a similar book, and it was truly impressive. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint

[@juliecampbell2441]

I love listening to you Esther. Thank you so much. You give the best perspective always. 🙏🏼

[@davidjay47]

I love you. But hurry up! I'm 61.

[@CindyG1712]

Thank you for your advice 🙂

[@JollyMestiza]

I say to myself: Open up again to yourself , take back your power ❤

[@mihaelaadamita1900]

really good❤

[@theresas.3808]

Thank you for spreading your knowledge and wisdom, Esther!

[@lk80630]

Oh, dear Ester, it's like you are telling my story in a way, at least part of it.

[@mariaangelova8275]

I've noticed that as an adult I'm not as flexible on my boundaries. Meaning, I'm defending my personal boundaries more. I'm careful with my time, I'm careful who I spend my time with. I don't forget when people don't respect my time. So as a result, I cut people out of my life faster.

[@jaredtopilko1313]

That makes sense.

[@nancyyancy5199]

I am always making assessments of people.

[@_7.8.6]

Always be your own friend first

[@gyoumans2901]

If I plan to far in advance I start to talk myself out of doing anything and get anxious 😅

[@azr6288]

Esther 2013 10 years ago sadly last. I come across as too strong I like and overshare too much. My favourite post ever from yours. Im a cis gendered biological gay male and choose to be single. I feed better on podcasts about friendships mental health for better living Thanks for being inspiring

[@stephbyerly9491]

I like people who "overshare" as long as they're willing to listen as well. I like depth and closeness to my friendships. One of my closest friends a few years ago was a gay man (I'm a mostly heterosexual female). And for no reason that I could ever figure, he just started ignoring me and didn't seem interested in spending time with me anymore. Most of my invitations were turned it down when previously we had been extremely tight. We would talk for hours, share many intimate stories, and laugh and laugh and laugh. I really loved him. But then he just started blowing me off, and when I asked him about it, he called me a bitch and blocked me with no explanation for any of it. Yes he had mental health problems which I knew when we became friends, but I still don't understand why he did what he did and it was so hurtful. See, there I go oversharing with you and I've never even me you. 😅

[@paulap9958]

i wanna be your friend Esther 🥰🥰

[@mariamirza8259]

Hello Miss Esther

[@viktor8584]

Recently! Easy. ... Sorry, I'm late! (Maria Knez) For me, BALANCE iz the low for all of your questions. Friendship? Divine Love! Better than human love. Me as a friend? I am an angel of God. (Your work, dear Esther, is divine; you are our angel, Angela! 🥰) 29:09 👏👏👏👏 30:18 - 30:35 ☀️ We mustn't be selfish, freedom is essential, friendship is impossible to break up...

[@maranata5834]

I am in that stage, I found very difficult to make long lasting relationships here in america. This is not my native country but I find that I can make friends easier in other countries.

[@amberstiefel9748]

I have a hard time knowing if someone is trying to have sex with me until it's "obvious" by traditional standards. I've had so many friendships turn sexual or sexually hostile that I've given up. I have no problems hitting it off with people standing in line at a grocery store or anywhere tbh. Things don't progress beyond a certain point because I think I'm rather weird. Then if I disclose my past they're appalled unless they've also been through similar experiences and the people willing to put in the work to not perpetuate predatory behaviors mostly congregate at places of worship. I hope I'm not predatory, I don't touch people unless they touch me first and I feel weird touching friends. I have a couple of friends but they're busy so it's not a full buffet. I'm ok with that. Quality over quantity. I used to go for quantity but I was younger then. Not owning a car also really puts a damper on things. When I had a car I was going on hiking trips with groups that organized online. I met great people that way. Working and going to school eat up a lot of time. I'm also a Starbucks employee with diverse interests. Most of the people interested in the same things meet online or in professional settings and the choices that I've made have made me look a certain way that I feel very self conscious about. I guess I assume that people are more superficial than they probably are...?

[@kayneich9573]

Because I've got so many commitments, i feel i can't be there when really needed.

[@artifundio1]

14:20 ❤

[@lucasbrunger7575]

i was recommend to watch your videos/insights but in a way i wanted to know what u think of Jorden peterson because since iv listed to his advice it has helped me with mental health and make friends, plus get out of my confit zone n make me braver like i use to be as a kid because when i was 17 i turned to heavy drugs befor i found jorden and thats what made me scared of the world seeing the evil side of life and the things that happen too n around me. like everyone i still hav bad days and i just want to be more wiser

[@laurie7746]

Wasnt this filmed and posted quite a while ago? It says one day ago, but ...???

[@sheilamutaramuka5400]

I am sure this was live 2days ago. She was interacting with live chats

[@mariamirza8259]

I got a fear to get married I'm 32. How to tackle this fear.

[@bunknee1220]

Hi 😊 I reosnate with this. can I share my experience with you?

[@george1528]

People are paying too much attention to their gadgets for example phones

[@restisresistance]

This is helpful 🫶🏾🌺