A Narcissist's Underdeveloped Conscience

In order to maneuver successfully through relationships, each person needs an inner compass to guide them. Dr. Les Carter explains how narcissists have been exposed to teachings about healthy values and standards, but their commitment to their narcissistic cravings overrides their willingness to listen to their conscience.
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[@gregh2322]

The more I understand narcissism and having been on the receiving end of it, the more I realize how sick these people are.

[@SLJ1943]

💯agree

[@gertrudewest4535]

How sick we all are

[@tahiyamarome]

I don't find any convincing evidence that it's illness. I think some percentage of the human race evolved to prefer immediate material gratification to social bonding. Their brains simply aren't wired to get as much pleasure from relationships as they do from getting what they want from the environment immediately. Their tactics are successful so their repertoire becomes more anti-social as they navigate life. It's a behavioral disorder that is reinforced by capitalist societies.

[@SLJ1943]

@@tahiyamarome I totally believe that it’s a behavioral disorder versus an illness.

[@JD-un2zv]

@@tahiyamarome interesting take, makes sense.

[@juliesmith8645]

They don't have a conscience unless they feel the need to impress someone, then they have a pseudo conscience.

[@michellefreeman6779]

Very well said Thank u

[@mishaanton5436]

I will disagree when it comes to severe narccs... what i saw for a decade plus was learned behavior. Acceptable behavior w others to seem like they have a conscience. I saw in Church where it was glaringly obvious after a time. He learned responses/actions from that community. Would exibit within the community. I was a temp victim. Sadly I say beware of organizations. They can operate with many cultish practices. And churches are supposed to be safe. The non. Catholic (what I'm familiar with) mainstream have a code of ethics and morals the members/goers adhear to. Many kind ppl. Many naive ppl. Assuming the mask wearers in the group are truely sincere. I call the master manipulator I know Ken. After the cardboard cutout dolls from my childhood. They had paper clothing that sat on top with tabs bent over the shoulder area to hold different outfits on. The man is a deacon and puts outfits on to attempt to blend in. But in reality hi level narccs are 2 dimensional cut outs.

[@painteroflove]

Fake conscience to look good. Takes a while to unravel those kinds of narcissists. They're the scary ones. I'd rather deal with a grandiose braggart. Since listening to Dr. C, I now think that type would be MUCH easier to deal with than the "fakers."

[@elleemann]

@@painteroflove I'm married to one of the scary ones. Absolutely covert

[@goodenoughgirl8102]

Yeah. Some do at times but only when they think something’s in it for them or when they see consequences they can’t bear looming and upon them...such as us leaving them or cutting them off, among other things they don’t want to have to endure or have to live without. Whatever they do tho is always only self serving and just all about them tho. Doing “good” to us momentarily is just one more self serving agenda of theirs.

[@DeborahLArmstrong]

"The missing ingredient is empathy." Exactly. Their "compass" only points at themselves.

[@kconnolly6763]

“The conscience exists in intellect only. It doesn’t have that heart element…” Amen.

[@painteroflove]

Amen. Very good reminder. Another GREAT line.

[@sharonmonathcohen3642]

SO SO TRUE

[@suzannesmith5339]

8:25 is when Dr.C explains this so well.

[@monicanapier9087]

Narcs are obsessive lustful not loving

[@DeborahLArmstrong]

And in their world, their feelings are the facts, so their "principles" are totally flexible depending on how they feel.

[@sklavinian]

Dr. Carter is like everyone's empathic therapeutic Dad :)

[@painteroflove]

OH MAN! If we'd have all had a dad like that, right? We'd have never found a site like this, lol.

[@ginnytrumpet2303]

He is a brilliant man, with a golden heart and a bright brain❤️

[@Ski7440]

Exactly right . He’s great isn’t he !

[@noticeyourneighbor8649]

Yeah, my dad gives me advice like “quit your job, let the house go into foreclosure, and get away from your CN spouse.” 😂 I need Dr. Carter’s reasonable, sensitive guidance. I love my dad so I will settle for adopting Dr. Carter as an uncle 😉 UNCLE LES!

[@sklavinian]

@@noticeyourneighbor8649 Dr. Carter is like Uncle Dad :)

[@AedanGUnit]

It doesn’t matter how outrageous the transgression or how huge the lie, how blatant the lie, there is zero conscience and it is always always always someone else’s fault. They never admit wrong-doing. Crazy making.

[@mariehayes8213]

It’s never admitting that they are wrong that is one of the hardest things to cope with!

[@foxiedogitchypaws7141]

I heard a long long time ago, when your children are little, they step on your toes. When they become adults ,they step on your heart. I have never understood that as my brother and me never said hurtful things to our parents, you just did not, even when you were sent to your room, with no cell phone,tv, only bed and books( 50s and 60s) I taught this myself to my kids but their father dismissed anything I told them and his rules stood. As kids that is really the worst place to be, not knowing who to listen to, one you listen to mom who has nothing to give but love and time or dad who will hit you and had the money. A lot to ask for a child.

[@ladybaabaa3294]

That I find infuriating. I have an under-developed conscience, rare empathy and all that, but if confronted with poor behaviour, I own it. I am fully self aware and take responsibility for my own actions. I don't blame anyone else. Nobody forced me to do anything. But even so, it doesn't mean I care or that I won't do the same stuff again. I 100% will.

[@christar9527]

Right. I thought he was going to say that their conscience is non existent. But then again, they know that they should avoid certain statements or actions in front of the people they don’t want to see them at their true worst. They save those for the target.

[@fredhubbard7210]

My mother and older brother were/are like this. Thoughts of suicide were a constant companion as a child. I wondered if they were crazy... But everyone seemed to respect them. Oh to have had someone like Dr. C next to me sixty years ago.

[@davidhinkson8856]

In my experience they have no conscience. They don't care who they hurt as long as they get what they want, when they want and how they want it.

[@foxiedogitchypaws7141]

And it's So sad for anyone in their way. You try to understand, give them the benefit of the doubt, let them have their say, (no sense in trying to talk, that goes out the door) when you give in one time, they run you over all the time. My ex died from a heart attack 2 years ago, I just want my adult kids to be loving caring people, stand up for what right, express your feeling without putting people down to temporarily make you feel more control and power, be normal people, not manipulative to get who they are talking to ,to agree with everything they say, in other'words' they are right and know it all and I'm automatically wrong because I'm just mom.

[@itm4173]

The people with narcissistic behaviors in my FOO are great at opinioning & lecturing on how people 'should' behave. However, the rules NEVER apply to their own behaviors. Amazing that they're exempt from their own lectures.

[@elaineb9951]

Yes their rules apply only to you not themselves!!

[@painteroflove]

Narcissists love to pontificate, oh the wisdom they can shower on us, right? I'm not normally given to sarcasm but I couldn't resist. I can see you're familiar with the breed.

[@itm4173]

@@painteroflove you bet I am. Sandwiched between two members of the family. It's taking a long time to move towards becoming my own person but I figure, it's taken this long to create the squashed person I am, if it takes only a quarter of that time to become whole, that's just fine.

[@jodyayers4592]

I was raised in a family were the adults told the kids, do as I say, not as I do. I thought it was some sort of "adult" thing I would understand when I grew up. NOPE! lol There was no mystery, their rules just did not apply to them.

[@sage9836]

I have noticed how they give you an overblown lecture on the importance of avoiding a vice - and that turns out to be exactly what they are doing! Even stranger, the lecture pops up when its not even topical to the moment.

[@tedschmitt178]

Their difficulties and transgressions are ALWAYS someone else’s fault, and they will ALWAYS justify their actions by convincing themselves that they deserved to do what they did. It’s all part of a faulty way to self-soothe their fragile egos or fake personalities.

[@bryann9689]

Well said

[@Tara-id3rk]

100%!!!!

[@123raven4]

EXACTLY!!!

[@tobascoheat6582]

Yup!!!

[@elcee7800]

…themselves and those associated with them.

[@alanaadams7440]

They lie to themselves so much they have no conscience

[@Jackie-dm1ye]

Their mentality can be “everything is OK, as long as you don’t get caught”. Not just an underdeveloped conscious, but barely one at all.

[@painteroflove]

I KNOW, right? What is up with THAT thinking?! On the other hand, I do actually do that when it comes to the stop sign at the end of my street. I run it. WHY? Because NO ONE IS THERE. I can see the road without a problem. The sign is there (IF) there were to be two cars wanting to be at the same place at the same time. I know I'm the one who stops, in that case. That's what the sign means to me - "IF" there's a conflict (the intersection) then I'm to stop. So I'm thinking that's okay as long as I don't get caught. My OWN morality and it's all I can see. You couldn't convince me that I'm wrong in my actions. The "law" is there for a reason that I understand and I circumvent the "letter of the law" because I think it need not apply to me in every circumstance, only when another car is there, yes. Justification. So some people probably justify "stealing from Uncle Sam" or "lying to a liar" or... just name it. It's a slippery slope to define morality for oneself, but don't we sort of HAVE TO, lest we follow Hitler's "laws" just because "it's the law." ??? I see no choice but to simply decide for myself --- "there is a way that seems right unto..." So it's dangerous to always be deciding for oneself, but how about hiding innocent people from the Nazis? Clearly seems "right" from my perspective. The "decide for ourselves" seems an inborn tendency - to NOT have it is also scary. Dr. C nailed-it for me with "EMPATHY" that is a great "decider." The rest we have to sorta "hammer out" in our culture, right?

[@skinnyway]

every narc I have ever known... specifically the men.

[@m.j.2939]

Truth 💣

[@ladybaabaa3294]

Hmmm...this is how I think 95% of the time, apart from with my parents, partner, maybe 2-3 very close friends, and all animals. Otherwise...don't care.

[@christar9527]

I agree. The things they do to their victim they would never do in front of their cohorts. The ones I knew attacked me when they got me alone. Then they’d go on a raging rampage. I don’t see any conscience there. A person with a conscience wouldn’t dream of treating someone who was in as bad of shape as I was like they all did. I think it’s evil. They are being deceptive.

[@exx6312]

Cooperation means convincing others to do it their way. That is cooperation

[@painteroflove]

Ahahaha!!!! A+

[@nancymurphy6483]

You are absolutely right. My ex used to yell at me, “Why won’t you cooperate, why won’t you cooperate?” My response (toward the end of our marriage, anyway) was “M, that’s code for why won’t you do what I want you to do, when I want you to do it.”

[@christar9527]

That’s right. My narcissistic parents demanded that I think, act and feel exactly like they did. I had to want what they wanted too. If I needed something and asked my mother for it she’d say “Well, I don’t need that!”. Wtf?!

[@wheelerpat8]

This lack of conscience explains so much… like why its so easy for them to gaslight, lie, ghost, and the rest.

[@Mehmet-rw9bu]

They have a flexible personality and replace conscience with blame shifting whenever they want.

[@foxiedogitchypaws7141]

They are fun,smart people. But behind closed doors it's a different story. They have to apologize to their boss, police,judges, but not the spouse or children. When caught they use others or things to blame as they are never wrong. When they become quite, with my ex, it's was a signal to expect a outburst.

[@mariaawake4502]

In social interactions, narcissists are concerned about superficially fitting in to reap the benefits of relationships or situations, while giving as little as possible. Self interest is the main and often only motivator.

[@mariehayes8213]

Well said!

[@mamab4720]

You are one of the greatest educators on KZbin. You have helped me navigate through some terrible abuse. On my way out. Thank you!

[@mdee860]

@Mama B - 🙋🏼‍♀️ Same here! I am so grateful for Dr. Carter & that he shares his Vault of Wisdom against Narcs. I'm much better, stronger & happier for finding this channel. Also, the Community here has been so kind, comforting & I've learned a lot from them as well. It still boggles my mind that Narcs, no matter which type - are ALL so similar. 🤯😱😱😱😡

[@marialaden4259]

i just killed my boomer

[@karinberonius8799]

@@marialaden4259 Are you confessing to a murder or were your comment just a feeble attempt at being funny?

[@tanyadavis6138]

@@marialaden4259 what's a boomer?

[@tanyadavis6138]

Applause 👏👏👏👏👏

[@RippleDrop.]

It's sad how *lonely* they get with older age due to this trait.

[@christar9527]

Some of them deserve loneliness. My bleeding heart has taken a turn. I can’t care about someone who never cared about me and only was there to abuse me my whole life...but that’s how I am dealing with it. I don’t give a rats ass anymore.

[@kathiejl1]

When my father passed in hospice in their home although we treated him w kindness and my mother changed his diapers he was narc to the end. Mom even stood up for herself and snapped back at him “why are you speaking to me like that when I am the one caring for you?” My mother-in-law also selfish to the end.

[@mystiparker3935]

Whenever he's in a stressful situation at work or otherwise, basically anything I say in an attempt to be empathetic gets twisted into an excuse to pick a fight and berate me for how "ungrateful" or "impossible to please" I am. it's amazing how now I can see it coming from a mile away whereas it used to just catch me off guard and reel me into the drama.

[@JD-un2zv]

Yep sounds very familiar, because the have to externalize everything, they can't self sooth so they project it onto others.

[@DavidFraser007]

My experience growing up was they behave badly but always want the moral highground, which excuses their bad behaviour.

[@francesbernard2445]

You probable are describing their only the moral 'high ground' family background for their best around compared to you family photograph goals for themselves instead.

[@tanyadavis6138]

Yep

[@belamoure]

So true- they can't acknowledge that people were kind to them. We collectively suffered 14 years of a narcisssit in our family- finally my niece dumped him! He clang and clang but she was stronger. She is so happy now with a guy who adores her.

[@justinamusyoka4986]

@pasture green This is happening in my family.

[@savetrump9120]

Even if she ended up alone( single) she would still be better off and happier. You don't need to find someone better than the narc to succeed.

[@painteroflove]

@@savetrump9120 Both ways - there ARE "psychologically sorta-healthy people" out there, if one wants a partner but life without one can still be happy and fulfilling, right? In any case a dark spot of trouble isn't a good thing to have.

[@savetrump9120]

@@painteroflove I haven't given up on love. I'm not perfect and I don't expect perfection but I do require happiness. Narcs will not allow happiness to happen that's why they have to go. It's funny how someone without a conscience will expect others to feel shame and guilt for going no contact.

[@christinalw19]

Life Lessons. 😉👍🏼

[@RippleDrop.]

It's not easy to get along with heavily narcissistic people. I'm beginning to see, why no/low contact is the only way to keep your own life *healthy.* It's sad it's family.

[@keddy5627]

They have an amazing first act, an acceptable second, their third act reveals what is missing and their audience clings to the hope that their fourth act will tie up all of the loose ends! The truth is that there isn’t any plot, no character development or underlying altruistic motives…you have to decide whether you will leave at intermission or stubbornly persist in a groundless hope.

[@painteroflove]

Wow, K Eddy, that's a good observation. You're right. Cliff-hanger for some of us, not so much for you and Dr. C

[@floxendoodle942]

WOW! Your wording is superb! Just shared this with someone and they were like “Screen shot this!” Yup! I was going to anyway! 👍

[@keddy5627]

@@painteroflove oh, I have done my share of cliff-hanging! I am appreciative of your response 😁

[@keddy5627]

@@floxendoodle942 thank you so much! Your response is very much appreciated 😃

[@DavidDrummondTX]

Yeah that epic plot twist you never saw coming always happens in the final act. Makes for great movies and a horrible time in real life.

[@dorothy792]

The seared conscience is a biblical concept.

[@kristinak2069]

I recently brought up to a narcissist a time he made me cry and he said said “ no I didn’t! I said something to you you and then you cried, I didn’t make you cry.” Crazy how they think. No accountability at all, like I was going to say yah ok, you’re right lol

[@kathiejl1]

Sounds like mine. 😢

[@know973]

I literally have learned to agree with the insanity with the narcissist... like yeah sounds about right, to whatever they believe and say....or I say...oh ok,makes sense....lol....its sad and seriously crazy

[@summerkwai528]

How well articulated. My narc husband told me he wanted to be home when the visiting nurse came to instruct me, & an assistant how to inject an antibiotic into my stomach area after I accidentally amputated 3 fingers. Needless to say it was a very important meeting. My narc husband called half an hour before the appointment and told me he couldn't come because they needed a fourth for his golf league. I was truly disappointed but not surprised. This needs always, always, always precedes everything else. That's why I had to leave him. I just couldn't take it anymore.

[@tobsternater]

Well done.

[@DavidDrummondTX]

I felt this one. I was driving us somewhere one day when I had a sudden excruciating pain in the middle of my back like I was just stabbed, so bad I nearly wrecked the car. Endured that 40 miles driving home while listening to her bitch about me faking it the whole way. Had to drop her at home while I went to the doctor and then to get a cat scan, had a pretty bad kidney stone. Nurse told me she had one recently it was more painful than child birth. They had me on a med to break up the stone and some pain meds so I couldn't drive. She would NOT take me to the follow up in 2 days and we don't have Uber in the small town where I live, so I ended up having to walk to the doctor. Yet, I still to this day am accuses of faking that whole thing. I think that was the very first time I firmly realized she had absolutely no empathy for me whatsoever. I've noticed many things like this since.

[@suziex4190]

Thank you for the inspiration!

[@AdairCty]

The total lack of empathy, (expressed so many times) along with the increasing out-of-the-blue rages convinced me he could not be trusted. I no longer felt safe falling asleep next to such a creature. I had to leave and end it. I gave up a lot, but I’m out and in one piece.

[@AdairCty]

@Mary Carroll So glad you are healed and away from this toxic person!

[@krisztina442]

I feel they have zero conscience or what they mean by conscience is absolutely different from my interpretation. Otherwise they wouldn't be able to do what they do.

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

I am right there with you I’m conscientious. They definitely don’t have healthy conscientiousness. What they do have is habitual conscientiousness that becomes their acceptable norm.

[@prettyricky9676]

It's just mimicry. The only thing that gives us any enjoyment is admiration, money, drugs, a fun new expensive toy, etc but its so short lived. The idea of a conscience i can't even wrap my head around. I do the right thing because its usually in my better interest not because i care. I want to know what it's like to care. I have tasted empathy only on psychedelics. I remember i was 18, had a bunch of poorly cared for and mistreated animals id captured in my room. Snakes, frogs, turtles etc when they died id get another one. I ate some shrooms and in a few hours was overcome with sadness for them and took all the tanks, jars, cages back to the woods and released them, in genuine tears over my cruelty to them. I think i may have become something far worse than a vanity narc if it weren't for shrooms and acid. To this day i am kind to animals and they are drawn to me..as a child they were terrified of me.

[@krisztina442]

@@prettyricky9676 Thank you for this summary, it's really insightful. It feels good to care, it's deep but it sometimes makes life just as difficult as the lack of empathy... It makes us vulnerable.

[@painteroflove]

@@prettyricky9676 I was afraid to "read-on" but was glad you overcame cruelty to animals. I'm not sure it was the psychedelics that CAUSED the change but whenever/however you made the turn, congratulations. Next up: empathy to humans too! We're mammals too, right? You're in a good place on this site, in my opinion. LOTS of "good people" who DO have empathy, are still not nearly so concerned for their neighbor as they are for themselves. It's normal. If we were TRULY as emotional over the neighbor's cancer diagnosis as we would be concerned about our own such diagnoses?! Well how could we even function? People care about THEIR kids a whole lot more than they care about their neighbor's kids. True? So, anyway, Pretty Ricky, hang in there, keep learning, you're on a good path to be caring enough to even be watching these videos. Dr. C is teaching what it is to be healthy - it doesn't happen over-night.

[@andreabrunkow9314]

@@prettyricky9676 You obviously have empathy in you or it wouldn't have shown up when it did. I'm wondering if the drugs allowed you to "cut loose" and drop expectations etc. allowing you to see beyond self preservation and/or putting your own pain onto something else. Many times our lack of empathy comes from not being allowed to empathize even with ourselves, making us feel less than human and instead feeling like a walking, talking object. If we view OURSELVES as objects we can't view other living things as anything more than objects. Maybe your work should start with finding your real inner self and ALLOWING yourself to feel whatever comes up. I suggest a therapist who knows how to deal with CPTSD. Something made you turn off your feelings at a young age and you probably need help literally finding them and feeling them and dealing with them. You already know what made you this way even if you only know on a subconscious level. Dealing with THAT is the key to changing but you'll need help with that. You can't just find a way to care. You have to deal with what made you turn your care off in the first place because it's literally blocking you from caring. There's a therapy called EMDR that I've done and some other people I know have done and we are all happy with the results. It's not an easy therapy but the results are good. It's used for PTSD/CPTSD. I think that even if you don't do that therapy you should go to someone who is certified in it because they are versed in the effects of trauma and thats probably where your problem begins. I sincerely hope you you get some relief. You're definitely on the right track being here and speaking about this. 👍

[@jessicayoung6208]

Narcissists can really modify who they are, both good and bad. They can be good when they want to be. They can be bad when they want to be. They will never acknowledge what others have done for them or the chaos and pain they themselves create.

[@mariaawake4502]

yes, they can not acknowledge what others did for them or how chaotic they have behaved, because that would produce shame and shame interferes with their sense of superiority.

[@foxiedogitchypaws7141]

@@mariaawake4502 absolute

[@kathiejl1]

Jessica, mine has acknowledged but it is only small thank you and only in current time. When he is yelling at me years later it is not in his consciousness that I, his wife of 8 yrs, was caregiver to his mother in our home.

[@sarahs5340]

Dr. Carter you presented this brutal experience in a very civilized manner! The lying and manipulation is profoundly hurtful and disturbing because it can make the victim doubt their own perception and sanity. In a way the lack of conscience is the primary problem with narc. They have a stronger need to manipulate and control a person/situation in order to validate themselves rather than acknowledge the sanctity and value of others around them.

[@rppope1006]

You just summarized my mom and the past 30 years of my deeply hurt and suffer able life😢

[@elcee7800]

You are a diamond, Dr. Carter. Nothing I can say. Speechless. A#1.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks so much. Dr. C

[@Morganistas]

1 Timothy 4:2 Speaking lies in hypocrisy; having their conscience seared with a hot iron;

[@susanmunoz7688]

Amen! As Dr. Carter was so accurate in His discrimination I kept thinking but this one has no conscience ? And then he said he wanted to talk about a seared conscience ,bingo and that is why the heart is so cold ! They’ve sadly turned their back on God.

[@painteroflove]

"Conscience seared" as seen with sadistic killers, for instance? It's NOT "understandable." We can describe how it got that way, maybe, but how can ya wrap your head around a lustful desire to pointlessly torture innocents?! Evil is spooky scary horrible not-really-understandable crap.

[@astrialindah2773]

They are extremely cunning. Cunning meaning : "skillful at using deceit and manipulation to attain ones goals"...👹👹👹👹

[@sudhakhristmukti1930]

Wolves in sheep's clothing ..therefore kind and good, trusting beings can't detect the deceit easily.

[@codyshepp7432]

Genesis 3:1 KJV - Now the serpent was more subtil (cunning/crafty)than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?.....the fall of man all started here

[@4everandalwaysjune19]

Knowing you “can’t engage with them on a meaningful level “ 😩 yep

[@madguruJ]

Do not pity them, do not give them the benefit of the doubt

[@sudhakhristmukti1930]

No pity for narcs who abuse the kind & sensitive, decent and good humans...because the abuse is intentional.

[@kimberlynoland3956]

My favorite “ Voice “ of sanity and reason , your drawl and natural empathetic tone is soothing and intelligent and together it’s what keeps me coming back !!! ✨🙏🏼✨

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased, Kimberly. Keep learning, and thanks for having me on your journey! Dr. C

[@painteroflove]

Drawl? I didn't grow-up in Texas (was just born there), what is that "accent" stuff people keep talking about?!?! Can you be specific? Actually I'm serious, WHAT accent? lol, but not joking.

[@suziex4190]

@@painteroflove oh Y'All have a sweet accent. Much respect from crazy NorCal. 💗🦋🌻🐬😉

[@lindadunn8787]

@@painteroflove as a descendent of folks whose speech was as you describe, with affection and appreciation, I think "that indescribable drawl that really isn't" has the ring of integrity and grit. Heart and soul.

[@tanyadavis6138]

@@painteroflove I don't hear a "drawl " either.

[@ardent9422]

In my experience it's all fear based and false self based for the narcissist. The false self has to appear big, larger than life and powerful at all cost OR they must keep control of you at all costs, losing control of you is like losing a piece of themself, this all gets tied up in thoughts of not being good enough, being worthless and then contradictions like "I'm the best and that's why people treat me like I'm worthless they just don't want to acknowledge my greatness!" The thinking in their mind is like a soup with ingredients that don't belong in a soup, if you see what I'm saying.

[@painteroflove]

Alphabet soup! What IS up with that "I'm the greatest/I'm a loser" thing they contain at the same time in the same body? It's a head-spinner but I see that you have wisely recognized it. Good for you.

[@profesormarioenriquemolina7712]

After watching this video, I believe that these individuals seem to think: "why would I need moral and logic when I can get what I want upon my pure will? After all, in managing to get what I want, I am proving myself that my tactics are what worth more. On the contrary, to empathize with others would make me weak". Greetings from Argentina!

[@bryann9689]

Well said

[@transcender9203]

Sad when it’s your daughter in law and she has your son brainwashed and in such turmoil. My son is now seeking counseling because of his uncontrollable anxiety. He is not making the connection that it’s her causing his anxiety. Thirteen years in and he has two boys 10 and 12 and a new baby on the way. Imo she manipulated to have another baby to keep him on the hook. I don’t dare tell him what I think of feel. Breaks my heart. Praying that he gets a good counselor that understands narcissism and that he wakes up.

[@AlastairjCarruthers]

Oof, this one hits hard. It always confused me that my narc seemed to have some limited understanding of conscience and empathy, but then her actions wouldn't align with that, she'd still treat me and others horribly with absolutely zero remorse. I'm particularly struck here by the example about needing help with something, being promised it, but then the narc not following through with it. That was one of the last nails in the coffin with my narc, I was going through some really bad sh*t and she told me all these things she'd do to help and support me through it, but then didn't follow through with any of it. Instead she had a series of rages over a bunch of absurdly trivial issues, followed by protracted bouts of stonewalling, all at exactly the time I needed her most. She didn't help me in the slightest with my problems, she literally made them ten times worse. I left her soon after.

[@painteroflove]

As someone here pointed-out, Dr. C's comment about "intellectually knowing" is a lot different than "owning." Talk is cheap.

[@AlastairjCarruthers]

@@painteroflove Talk also allows someone to convince themselves that they're a decent person, and thus feel good about themselves, without bothering to ever actually DO anything remotely decent. Another example, same person: She would frequently tell people how much she cared for the homeless and other disadvantaged groups, and talked about doing volunteer work with them. But how often did she actually do volunteer work in all the time I knew her? Not even once. How much money did she give to charity? Not a cent. She felt like she was a kind and charitable person because that's what she told herself and others, but as always, she never backed up her words with any actions.

[@painteroflove]

@@AlastairjCarruthers There's the rub! Words without actions are just empty clanging bells. Agreed.

[@AlastairjCarruthers]

@@painteroflove It might not be so bad if they only lied to others like this, but incredibly they also lie just the same to THEMSELVES, and believe every word!

[@JD-un2zv]

Yeah similar experience, after a parent my side died suddenly, I was executor. Narcissist ramped up the toxic behavior 10 fold, for months n months, worst time of my life, never forgive her.. I saw evil, real evil.

[@ReineMarie70]

Thank you for not automatically blaming the parent of the narcissist for them being the way they are.

[@cymbolichuman433]

Yeah, many of us work hard to bring up a moral person in this world!

[@painteroflove]

Good point ReineMarie! Look at siblings?! Hello?

[@selah71]

My ex is a narcissist. He has a dozen siblings and I know for sure one is not a narcissist. I don't know about the rest of them because when I divorced him I divorced the entire loony family. They're all a bunch of drama kings/queens and liars who creates needless drama. Like a bunch of wild, hungry animals looking to feed off of others. Crazy!

[@ReineMarie70]

@@cymbolichuman433 I've watched so many videos in which the parent is always to blame for their children's deficiencies as if they were raised in a bubble and the parents were gods like Zeus and Hera exacting control over them and their actions like puppets. There are far too many good, kind, and conscientious people in the world who had crappy parents but were themselves good people either because of their inherent goodness or because of their choice and practice not to be like their parents.

[@flowergirl2day]

@@ReineMarie70 Not parents fault. I think it has some genetic issues. Get's worse with age!

[@flyingeaglewoman8682]

A comment from my dad many years ago illustrates these characteristics-“When I’m right I’m right, even when I’m wrong I’m right”. I had to disconnect from him physically and emotionally to minimize exposure to this dynamic. So the process goes on - which is to say “separating the wheat from the chaff”. Bonds by birth are not excluded. It’s about dignity, maintaining a sense of self and self worth- tired of those whom seek to undermine my well being. “Just say no”. Here’s a not so novel concept- Live by the Ten Commandments.

[@painteroflove]

Obviously I don't know your situation and one solution doesn't fit all. That said, I left home at 16 years old and NEVER EVER saw/talked-to my father again. When he finally died decades later it was a sigh of relief. That's all. Hallelujah, the threat is gone. The people who promote "family" might be 90% correct but I think a lot of damage is done by insisting that biological OR experiential "connections" are bindings that "should be" maintained or reconnected. Dr. C's Team Healthy kind of living is a more attractive and reasonable goal.

[@flyingeaglewoman8682]

@@painteroflove Well said. Boxes constrain not celebrate human diversity, I’d be such a boring world if we were all the same. Same interests, same clothes, same personalities- point made.. I prefer the Road Less Travelled, find kindred spirits here, thanks to Dr. C for creating this space. Definitely challenging times we find ourselves in- on that note stay safe be well everyone.

[@helenflouch]

My narc professes to be a devout Christian and lectures everyone about it. In the space of 24 hours he can break 3 of the 10 commandments. Any of them. Probably the whole 10 in the space of a week.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Makes me roll my eyes. Dr. C

[@mariehayes8213]

That’s mine which is very confusing because I end up blaming myself by the ongoing quoting of the scriptures. Would love a detailed video on how the mask of Christianity is so excellently used and leaves the recipient feeling guilty all of the time!

[@foxiedogitchypaws7141]

Yes, "for thee not for me" nothing that they feel they have to follow the rules are for them.

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

Yes, I have seen this many times. They generally attempt to "act" empathetic but it is pretense. They cannot genuinely act empathetic, their empathy is based on manipulation because they would get something out of it. They would never be empathetic if it did not elevate them in someone else's eyes. They will only demonstrate good character qualities when others are watching but have nothing in private at home. When I attempted to bring to my brother's attention to his mean behavior toward me, through a letter to him, he ignored the letter so I called him to see if he got the letter and could we talk about it. He yelled continuously on the phone so I could not speak. I had to hang up because his raging was so intense there was no way to have a conversation. Then a couple of years later my father died and at the funeral in front of everyone he hugged me, without any emotion, as though he was putting on a show of the loving brother. . After in the coming days and years he continued his gossip and covert meanness whenever there was no one to see. I did not spend time with him, he came to visit us one time for an overnight stay. The entire time he was with us he talked and talked and talked as though no one else was in the room. I was so glad when he left, he was not there to visit us, he was there to promote himself. He never listened to anyone else but was continually talking about himself.

[@michelepascoe6068]

Their conscience is snuffed out. My mother neglected me as a child, then stole my child, calling her "the daughter I never had".

[@tanyadavis6138]

Same here. It was devastating. But, I had to move beyond them, and so very glad I did. My life is good.

[@foxiedogitchypaws7141]

Wow, that would be terrible. I'm sorry you had to be put through that. My children were my world, still are. I hope things are better for you.

[@michelepascoe6068]

@@tanyadavis6138 I'm glad you have gone on to live a good life anyway. I only started learning how in my fifties after pleading with them for decades. Great help from Dr Carter and books, "Done with the crying" by Sheri Mc Gregor and "Mothers who can't love" by Dr Susan Forward. I send gifts to my grandchildren whom I haven't met and birthday cards to the adults and otherwise we have no contact. Better than being treated with contempt.

[@michelepascoe6068]

@@foxiedogitchypaws7141 thank you, yes, I am blessed in having a husband who has been a loyal companion for 30 years who also did his best for an impossible mother in law, and three of our daughters were not turned against us, not believing Granny's slander. It has been traumatic agony as we are devoted parents and grieve the losses deeply. We tried so hard, so long, not knowing about triangulation and all their poisonous ways. I served my mother till she died still hoping she'd accept me and pleaded with my daughter for 30 years which just gave her opportunity to treat me contemptuously. Letting go is better. I believe God will reveal the whole truth ultimately and I'll be vindicated. I just pray that we all will respond to Him in this lifetime so we can be reconciled in the life to come.

[@michelepascoe6068]

@Mary Carroll amazing how many parents did such a weird thing. My mother actually asked me to give her my first baby and I said no, but still let her babysit and kept visiting, not realising the danger. I met someone who, under that pressure, agreed to give her baby to her mother in an effort to appease her. But of course they both ended up against her just the same.

[@nancymurphy6483]

I came across some notes my ex wrote during his divorce from his first wife. He had, on occasion hit her. He said he had only done it in order to end long periods of hostility between the two of them. The last line was chilling. It read, “Right or wrong it seemed to work.” He couldn’t admit it was always wrong to hit your wife. He told me he “never made mistakes.” No, he just couldn’t admit his mistakes and take responsibility for them.

[@BBFCCO733]

My father used to promise me things as a child, then when I brought up his forgetfulness, he told me to grow up. Apparently grown ups don't keep promises.

[@salauerman7082]

A flexible conscience: Right Wrong “My Way” EXACTLY!

[@elaineb9951]

Thanks Dr.C, needed this today, just finalized divorced and had to go no contact, i have no reason tolerate the lies, lack of empathy and conscience any longer, cost me a lot in many ways, His MO just seems tone to hurt me. On way to healing myself with lots of great support from friends and family.

[@painteroflove]

CONGRATULATIONS, Elaine!!! I'm so proud of you! You're in a good place with Dr. C's videos. May I suggest that the answer to "Why should I have to give up going to... (or whatever)...?" might be: "Uh, to save my life?" EVEN when it's not a fair-deal AT ALL, the price of getting rid of a dangerous narcissist by letting him feel he "won" is TOTALLY worth it. The narcissist will "win" (in his mind), there is no other possible outcome. Helping him to have that "winning feeling" is worth a lot, a whole lot. What is FREEDOM worth, PEACE worth, LIFE worth? You did, great, Elaine, I'm guessing. Regardless of dollars or inconveniences. Keep your guard-up and let him lick his wounds with a sense of having gotten the better of you in some way. That's my 2-cents anyway.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Best wishes to you, Elaine!! Dr. C

[@kimlarsson7259]

You think that they supress guilt, shame and remorse. Then there's that chilling moment and the insight: they don't surpress anything. They don't feel bad for things they do to you. They're empty. If you're a normal person, it takes a while to adjust and accept reality. It's not easy.

[@amorfati8084]

'less than decent maintaining truth', this is the most diplomatic way of calling someone a liar that I think I've ever heard

[@cianwalker1829]

The number 1 thing that distorts a narcissist's conscience is the direction of flow. They only think principles apply to others.

[@FionaGazzard]

You know, when he makes me feel crazy, you make me feel sane again Dr Les - thank you!!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

What he's doing is gaslighting...training you to doubt your legitimacy. Knowledge is power. Once you see it for what it is, you can't unsee it. Dr. C

[@windysmith7367]

I find it interesting how many narcissists I have encountered that are medical doctors. The lack of empathy is what surprised me. Watching them operate outside the patient care setting is just an eye opener and very disheartening. They can be very cruel and vindictive. Thoughts?

[@tobascoheat6582]

Thank you so much for caring about this huge problem in society!! And I INCLUDE FAMILY under the heading of "SOCIETY"!!! There's nothing quite like getting off to a "poisoned" start in life and NOT EVEN KNOWING what the problem that keeps attacking your life and hurting you is, until someone like Dr. Carter comes along to spell it all out for you. Thank you for letting me know that I'm O.K.! I'm not the one who's a screwed up mess after all. Thank you so much!!! From the bottom of my heart!!

[@sanjanabhatia5156]

Yup. I noticed narcissism trumps professionalism. I always thought I was the problem. These are very difficult and slippery people to deal with. I’m thankful to recognize them now. Thank you!

[@udeys9543]

This is one of the best explanations on their nature, thank you Dr. C!

[@lakama4965]

"All of them at some level know the difference between right and wrong." In their book that is: i AM RIGHT, and YOU ARE WRONG.

[@matthewwozniak9138]

Its important to not internalize someone elses anger. Your higher conscience determines your actions; Freeze, Fight, and Fawn.

[@HouseofSquawk]

My all time favorite confession was confessing to a previously undetected lie to prove how honest he was. This was an attempt to gaslight his way out of the current lie or set of lies. When that doesn't work I usually get a comment like "I can't help it if my truth differs from your truth." It could be maddening if you allow it to be. I got therapy for cptsd and one day it just dawned on me that how I react to a situation is my responsibility and that I didn't have to react emotionally to nonsense at all. When it sunk in, something changed inside me.

[@kathiejl1]

Thank you for sharing Dianna! I just started learning and counseling. It is starting to dawn on me. I’ve started secretly recording my narc husband only so I can replay the craziness so I have proof that it isn’t me.

[@Luuka11]

Thank you very much 🙏 I feel a whole bunch of politicians fall in this category 😩

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yes. Narcissists seek positions of power and authority.

[@goodenoughgirl8102]

Yesss. Lol. Confirming my theory on their seared consciences. One basic tenet I have for myself is to be quick to obey the voice of my conscience. Seems like narcs are the exact opposite tho as if they live to constantly defy it.

[@diannalauer9059]

I feel like scales have fallen off my eyes. Again! Thank you Dr. 💖 I was raised and isolated by a narcissistic mother, married narcissistic men and was diagnosed with DID years ago. It's all making sense now. Thank you for your service Sir. I don't have words... May God bless you!

[@leslieparsons408]

This is an outstanding description and explanation of this bizarre group of people. Why is narcissism such a well kept secret to so many?

[@painteroflove]

It used to be called "selfish?" Self-centeredness on steroids? It's ALWAYS been with us and people have recognized the selfish uncaring jerks. But Dr. C has done a brilliant job of taking a set of behaviors and opening-up what's behind them and giving it a label. Yes, I used that word, sorry. Not, just Dr. C, but the world has given it a label because we're having MORE of them. We don't TEACH "ethics" and "morals" (apparently?) like we used to? Kids are growing up without parents and they're growing up on a steady diet of killing, killing, killing video games? Business' are not "a family" so to speak, but rather a "bottom line is all" corporation? I'm using this site today to procrastinate on very important and dreadful things. I'm having fun here, ignore me. Sorry-not-sorry.

[@elcee7800]

Narcissism is a survival tactic in this secular satanic world.

[@riariaria]

Great video! One of the weird things I’ve noticed about Narcissists is that they actually openly describe themselves as kind, empathetic and nice. Normal folks don’t typically say things like, “Something you need to know about me is that I’m too nice” or “I’m the most empathetic person that you’re ever gonna meet.” or “I just care too much about people.” But Narcissists actually say these things out loud. I’ve seen this pattern so many times with people who later turned out to be highly self centered, cruel and exploitive, that I’m starting to wonder if it’s a red flag?

[@painteroflove]

Good post. Methinks, yep. Ya kinda don't have to advertise who ya are, it just "shows" over time. Trust me, I know these things I'm... (lol, that's a joke) I'm actually just an opinion with a keyboard, but you get my point.

[@roseisrose8154]

I agree that this is a great video. Years ago, my one daughter was dating an awful guy. But her reasoning was how thoughtful he used to TELL HER he was. My explanation to her was “a comedian or funny person doesn’t have to go around telling people how funny they are - they just ARE. And then, people laugh!” But, of course, she couldn’t see it and had to experience the hurt herself. Thankfully that relationship ended and hopefully it was a learning experience for her. I, on the other hand, am experiencing a Covert Narc, who doesn’t overtly boast. It’s much more insidious. I’m still learning!

[@kathiejl1]

Mine jokes about his “kindness”.

[@kconnolly6763]

Wow. I needed this video and, Dr. Carter, you nailed it. Your explanation of narcissistic behaviors in the context of conscience made sense. I had never thought of their behaviors in this way. I’m watching this video again because there was so much information in it. Thank you so much for doing what you do.

[@angelnative9267]

Dangerous Personalitys ( BOOK ) by Joe Navero. Saved me from a dangerous Nark .Iam a survivor .A must-read even for people dating.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I'm very familiar with his research! Dr. C

[@painteroflove]

I think I saw him on TV talking about "steepling" with ones fingertips touching each other. Then, guess what!? A person I know was doing that and then (unexpected to me) they EXPLODED. Navero (I think it was) had said it was an "I'm in charge" sort of behavior. Since then I've watched for it. It think it's true at least part of the time. Something to watch for anyway.

[@lienlael3196]

Dear Dr. Carter, I 've been sharing your videos with a friend going through narcissist abuse and manipulation. Thank you.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased! Dr. C

[@giselleroenfeldt9265]

I don’t tend to be unkind, but has anyone else had this thought: Why aren’t all the narcissistic people required to live on another planet?

[@hughreilly6014]

I reckon that in the future they should all be transported to Mars. 'humans' who behave in such an evil, manipulative way do not deserve to be in normal society. No conscience, no morals, no soul, no thank you. Pets have more of a moral compass.

[@sudhakhristmukti1930]

Yes, without any 'supply'!!

[@teresacotton7923]

Great video Dr C. Its their inability to understand and zero chance of reasoning that I walked over a year ago.

[@bs6532]

I know now, after learning here, for years now, my special needs son and I have been used and abused by an extreme narcissist. I have exposed what I know, unfortunately, 🙄 so now he's meaner than ever. I've even asked him to leave many times, but I know now he won't do that until it's on his terms, to hurt us in the worst way possible. I wish there was an easier way out, but do I just have to wait? Waste many more years and many more (private) tears? I never ever let him see me cry anymore. I just hold it in... & I have to keep a smile for my son too. I'm just leaning on my Faith in God to get us through without too many more broken hearts 🥰

[@ckcares8067]

This is honestly the finest observation of narcissism...this is the one trait that gives their game away...i am absolutely beside myself with this epiphany...because it exposes the narcissist's paper thin facade...they cannot cover up their lack of integrity & lack of 'duty of care.' U have HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD !! I AM SO GRATEFUL TO U DR CARTER !! THANK U. YES, I GOT IT. EUREKA.♥️🙏

[@heythere7]

Thank you, DR C. We appreciate you! 🙏

[@christinalw19]

Dr Carter, I appreciate feeling validated by your videos after so many years of being told there was something wrong with me. Some days I ask God for a “do over.” 😢🙏🏼

[@painteroflove]

At least we get a "new day" if we wake-up, THAT'S a blessing.

[@imsunnybaby]

some narcs are kinda sociopathic in that they dont think right and wrong has anything to do with how they behave towards you. they dont see other people and have any empathy how what they do hurts others or they might even have sadistic enjoyment of watching others pain and discomfort..

[@Rebel6832]

Getting the Silent Rage by My husband now whom is eternally pissed at me for Anything I do without his approval first...Always My Fault and 'I bring on whatever all on my own and Deserve his Wrath!!' I cannot do anything without his trying to filter it first... And when I do not go to him for his 'okay' then I am considered doing something sneaky and dirty behind his back and just 'proves in His eyes' how less than he thinks that I am... Damned If I do,, and Damned IF I Don't... gets OLD...One sidedness Always... There is No Clean talking things through w him as he KNOWS ALL...

[@Donita1213]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Sounds like hell. So even though I'm going through something slightly similar.. it's not marriage, it's a family member. I can't imagine being married to someone like that.. Meditation and exercise helps me a lot. Reading or listening to some interesting subjects gets my mind off external situations for a while. I just had my second dream that my brother was behaving normally towards me. Don't know what it means, but I have hope.

[@painteroflove]

Well, praise God the rage is silent. The cold shoulder abandonment / anger punishment has become my preferred form, actually. Where's the TV clicker? Time for a good chick-flick and some popcorn. Go ahead and Ghost me, Babe, I'll just suffer here in front of the TV tonight with my heels up. "Yes, I'll take olives, on that pizza, what time will you deliver it?" I'm NOT making light of your situation, Jeanine, not at all. I'm just describing the only solution I know of. That and keeping on with Surviving Narcissism.

[@Rebel6832]

@@painteroflove His mother is the Same towards me. Silent Hatred, as is his brother and sister in law ( who btw Younger brother, his wife and kids still never left home and has his family live w the parents ) And then there is the Passive Aggressive father in law who slips mean, and shameful verbal attacks towards myself to get in his ' it's Just a Joke... My Gosh... You take and twist what I say into something it wasn't!' You are Too Sensitive... BS!!!!! I KNOW what he is trying to do... but again... it's just me making things up in my head again, and they were 'just joking...' and You get what you deserve for thinking that it was anything Other than a joke, and why my family doesn't like you!' Ya...okaaayyyy...

[@painteroflove]

@@Rebel6832 Just a joke? That's strange, nobody's laughing.

[@ellik1817]

Very Wise & True.... they have very little conscience. Thankyou.💛 Dr. C

[@MJ-od5sh]

During my discard I went bk on the dating site I met him on as my gut was telling me too . I cought him on there & I messaged him & his reply all he could say well it’s about me & myself & what I want to do . Then asked me your not leaving me are you ! Delusional isn’t the word! He’s still on there 9 months on going through different women .

[@susansheldon2707]

"Morals" are for judging and condemning other people, not for regulating their own lives. The ones I know glibly promise something, but later, when not following through, silently convey, "Yeah, I said that, but I no longer FEEL like doing what I promised, so just forget what I said and move along." It's always all about their feelings of the moment. Their primary concern is how they think they'll look to people who are important to them, and everything they do is geared to keeping up carefully constructed façades. Even though most of the ones I know make their livings in professional Christian ministry, there's never been one shred of evidence they have genuine consciences. In private, when the façades are dispensed with, they ignore moral standards when they or other family members violate them - because loyalty to the Family Cult overrides genuine concern for right and wrong or faithfulness to God. Talk about seared consciences! A sieve would hold more water. At least they're predictable, though.

[@painteroflove]

And maybe a good place to watch for a fox is near the hen-house? People are just "people" no matter how they hold themselves up to be. Good and bad in every profession and status in life - in every color dare I say? Good AND bad "cops" Good AND bad "whatevers?" We're here on a psychologist's website. There are manipulative conniving psycho-psychologists too, of course. (Not YOU, Dr. C!!!) All this to say, I'm sorry you got mixed-in with a fraudulent bunch, Susan. It's not "goodness" that's the problem. It's "hypocrisy." Amen?

[@bigheartjoe7543]

Dr c a big thank you from me THANK YOU

[@davidp2888]

The narc in my life has little to no conscience. I learned that very abruptly about 4 years ago. I'm learning to let it go and not accept the consequences of their behaviors as my own.

[@painteroflove]

Well, David, it's STILL scary if it's true that they have "no" conscience, isn't it? Like, um, what might happen if you get caught in the fray? I wouldn't want them to put drugs in my trunk so as to get me to unknowingly be their transport, or forge my signature on important legal documents or a "life insurance policy" for example! I guess my "fear" is showing, sorry.

[@davidp2888]

@@painteroflove I think you're taking the "no conscience" comment a bit too literally and seriously. My narc wouldn't do the things you described.

[@painteroflove]

@@davidp2888 Good news, David P! I'm glad to hear your narc isn't waaay on the worst end of the spectrum. Some are. Been there / done that.

[@Gracie-dz1qq]

This video makes a lot of sense. Basically, most of their behavior wouldn't happen if they had empathy and a developed conscious. I always thought they just never learn from their mistakes, but now I see they just don't have empathy period point blank.

[@rubymcclain5078]

It’s not that easy to find a psychologist in my area. I need help. I feel hated by my grandson and he won’t speak to me even though he lives in my home. I think I have PTSD, if not, at lest anxiety disorder, severe depression, and general fatigue. I can’t take much more. The stress is destroying my life. I listen to your videos and they have helped me understand narcissism. I’m hoping he moves out soon but then his girlfriend will have to cater to him. She’s young, beautiful , sweet, and has already experienced his practice of withholding love. 😢

[@cabowabo5557]

Dr. C, what an incredibly insightful teaching this is! Thank you.

[@leilagomulka5690]

It’s all about heart connection, ❤

[@jaimhaas5170]

Sometimes I wonder where she finds the energy to continue the outward act. After 22 yrs of marriage I know when she is being real and that happens every blue moon.

[@kimlarsson7259]

When narcissists describe themselves as honest souls and straight shooters, that's when you have to laugh. They flatter themselves in an absurd way. They want to have a rubber moral compass and be good people at the same time 🙄 Narcissist: What you see is what you get! Trust me forever. Me: I'm out of here!

[@painteroflove]

I'm such a sucker (well, "was"). "Straight-shooting, honest soul, good-person?!" Where do I sign-up, how much will it cost? I can get a loan... I'll take a rain-check, ANYTHING... lining-up in the parking lot two days early...

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

When a person has to remind others how honest they are, that's usually not a good sign. Dr. C

[@mariehayes8213]

@@SurvivingNarcissism thought provoking, will listen out for that in the future. I get told all the time by these ‘lack of conscious’ people in my life how they wouldn’t do this or that and I sit there listening to my inner voice telling me “but you do that to me all the time”. Thank you Dr Les. Really appreciate you. Know Texas very well, spent a lot of time there in various parts. My son lives in San Antonio now. Haven’t been since this covid thing so missing them out there!

[@kimlarsson7259]

@Mary Carroll You are wise. I have a collegue (a so called team leader) who says she likes honesty and clear answers. She's totally dishonest lol She makes all kind of dirty moves. Honesty speaks for itself. No need to advertice.

[@AdairCty]

The ex narc is on a dating site describing himself as “spiritual” and looking for an “honest” person. No, he’s not at all spiritual…that’s a lie. But he is looking for an honest person-I guess he thinks they’re more likely to believe a dishonest person like himself. Upon first meeting, and as long as necessary to reel them in, give him an Oscar! He’s a superb actor in his portrayal of a great guy who’s had some bad breaks with relationships.

[@lisaking4386]

The devil sits on one shoulder and says, 'Go ahead and have that second piece of cake'. An angel sits on your other shoulder and says, 'Don't have that second piece of cake'. The narcissist always goes for the second piece of cake, LOL.

[@SurprizedDaily]

Moral compass is totally gone in these monsters, i mean people! Seems they never have had one of those....it's as dysfunctional / seared as their conscience is!

[@alastairwest5200]

It's easy to shit on people when you have no conscience; for the Narc, it's my way or the highway.!!

[@gertrudewest4535]

Thanks as usual for giving me more insight into working on myself. Sometimes it’s depressing realizing everything I was taught is wrong.

[@gertrudewest4535]

PS. But it feels good to change

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Keep leaning forward, Gertrude! Dr. C

[@ITSRAYANNNN]

I never understood why he needed to feel so uncontrol when I made it clear that the man was in control and that I was very submissive towards him . He would still call me controlling.. basic yes or no questions made him anxious like I was trying to force him to answer a question

[@u-no-who]

Dr. C, what you just shared with us in this video "hits the nail on the head!" Now, I know why they have such a calloused heart. Thank you so much. Hope all's well! Linda, Dallas, Tx

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks Linda. Good to hear from you!

[@Nancy-hf6cm]

You are really helping to clarify my thinking! God bless you, team healthy!

[@painteroflove]

I'm SURPRISED!?! To hear the "lack of empathy" angle on dishonesty was not something I'd considered. One's emotional needs of the moment overruling their desire to be honest? SURE. Pride, desire for immediate gratification, desperation to escape accountability... all that was "check, check, check" in my understanding of lying. BUT the LACK of empathy preventing the heart-connection required to be honest when that honesty would be merely inconvenient? Well, LIGHT-BULB moment. YES! Duh. Thank you, you're a great guide through the dark jungle, my friend.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Keep learning, Ms. Smith! Dr. C

[@painteroflove]

@@SurvivingNarcissism As long as you keep teaching, I'll keep learning. DEAL

[@mariehayes8213]

@@painteroflove me too doc!

[@roseisrose8154]

Wow. This makes so much sense. This is so very interesting. I just wish I was studying it - not experiencing it second hand. But, learning about this narcissism now is very healing. I wish I had this knowledge decades ago. It would have saved me a lifetime of hurt and self blame. Thank you, Dr. Carter.

[@sharonmonathcohen3642]

When I took my head out of the sand, and met the guy who wore a mask for forever, served him, he fights for the custody of the children he hardly had time for. Continued not seeing them, angry at me--still is-- but the clincher is MY DAUGHTER is a full blown narcissist. Other child has traits but she is OMG

[@flowergirl2day]

@Mary Carroll My oldest daughter. Also, a drinker and she has a flying monkey husband. She has even called her hubby at work to come home and clean up after the dog! They have been together over 30 yrs!

[@someonesmom4053]

I'm so very greatful for this wise mans' teachings. When you to choose to love a family member in spite of these things, it's critical to understand how to survive them despite that love that could kill your will. When there's nobody else who loves that person enough to endure their ways long-term, and you don't want them to feel unworthy of love, you do sacrifice yourself many times. But having the wisdom shared here can make the difference in surviving it or not. My narcissist has terminal cancer. I don't want them to die alone, despite their personality issues which started in childhood. We're in our 60's now, and It's been a long bumpy road, but I'm not willing to just stop caring, yet I'm not willing to crash for them, either. So it takes a delicate balance of caring for them, while also caring for myself, because I do have other family who loves and needs me, wholesomely, and they deserve my caring about them, too. Despite the learning I've done here, it also takes talks with God about it, for me. Or I might just become a narcissist back, just to give the afflicted one a taste of their own behaviors. But I'm not sure you can convert back once you cross that line. So I'm playing it safe. I don't wish to be a mistreater even for a day, as tempting as it can be when you're just burnt out on dealing with a narcissists' ways. Signed, "Somebody's Sister." ✌🏼

[@angelakeep5238]

( It is the individuals *character problem, not their "personality issue." )

[@Amy-ly3uq]

This is helpful explaining why my mil feels completely entitled to undermine us as parents with grandkids. If she disagrees with anything she has no issue doing or saying anything to try to get her way. Bad mouthing us to the grandkids behind our backs is totally fine as is pushing her agenda on the kids to get them on her side. She thinks she is right and has no respect for anyone else.

[@claudiaaguilar6845]

Very bad for grandparents to undermine parents. Actually may be child abuse.

[@painteroflove]

And not what one dreams of when contemplating motherhood, right? A truly tough situation and not one of your own making. Life just isn't easy. Sigh

[@imsunnybaby]

lack of integrity!

[@shanecherry5403]

Les you have helped me more than you can imagine, all I have is a thank you

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're quite welcome

[@bertzerker747]

Seared...the heat from the hell they've adapted to create might pass to enter the squishiness of the undeveloped emotions for regard inside. Morality is a template for excuses by regard. Life experiences, life teaches 🙏