Being an Unwanted Child Comes with a Lifetime of Trauma

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In this clip from Tim's Talk on Subtle Traumas, Tim talks about how the trauma of being unwanted as a child can start as early as in the womb, and how that can make a person's self-image negative from a very early age.
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[@larkrowe41]

Even if you are never told you were unwanted, a child knows there's a difference between being tolerated and being cherished.

[@sigrid3553]

Well said. 👍

[@bamereg]

The younger they are the better they know. Because babies and very young children FEEL. They don't understand the lies their parents tell them. All they know is that something is off.

[@adriennefo64]

There is nothing worse than being tolerated

[@Hislittlelamb]

I met a horse today who came to a ranch traumatized & wouldn’t come near people or other horses. She wasn’t physically abused & she was well fed & groomed, but she was ignored, the “spare” who got very little attention while her owners favored riding & interacting with her stable mates who got all the love & attention. That’s my story too!

[@Hislittlelamb]

@@bamereg Exactly! I was hospitalized at a young age, separated from my family & while I was crying for my mommy another patient snuck into my room & comforted me. She climbed onto my bed, held me, stroked my face & hair, & sang me to sleep. I never experienced that before or after with my mom. That one experience felt so right to me it revealed my parents’ deficit. When the youngest was born late in mom’s life she made no effort to hide that this child was her favorite, the Golden Child. Seeing her get that affection, love & attention I was denied undermined my feelings of worth. It wasn’t that mom was incapable, it was her choice!

[@AymeTinawi]

When my daughter was 4 she asked me “mommy do you remember when you and daddy had a fight and you went into the little blue bathroom and cried”? She then mimicked what I did during that event which was to sit on the floor of the bathroom and hug my knees to my chest. I remembered that scenario n clearly. The strange thing about her question is that I was 3 months pregnant with her when that happened and never told her of that fight after she was born. She even knew the color theme in the bathroom because it was in fact, blue. She was also a twin, but my body absorbed the other fetus by my 8 week checkup. I found out I was pregnant very early and the twin was visible using the “dildo cam” internal ultrasound. When my girl was about 5, she told my dad that she had a little brother that didn’t make it. Fetuses know a lot more than we think that they do.

[@carrier7399]

We choose our parents before we are born. Every soul/person is "wanted" and loved by God/Jesus.

[@ingenuity296]

Wow, incredible!

[@sweetesthawaiianprincess8086]

😮

[@elizabethannegrey6285]

WOW!!

[@paigeschultz6951]

We don’t choose our parents, but God chooses us and He determines the time and places where we live according to the Bible Acts17:26. He sends us with a purpose and we are deeply loved.❤

[@rouxfaces]

"someone who was not fully invited into the world" thats it.. in words.

[@kassandraclinch3688]

I was unwanted to the point of being hated by my mother. She lied about it to everyone until she died and never was able to show me love. I do everything I can to make sure my children know how easy it is to love them and how glad I am to have them in my life.

[@dailylifeexperiences560]

I'm sorry you had that experience, I'm so glad you endured. I'm eternally grateful you were able to plant the seeds of love in your children. I pray you have peace 🕊️, enjoy every minute you can with them.

[@AndyJarman]

I had the same experience, my mother had nothing to spare for me, life had been such a disappointment for her. As a result I am unable to form lasting relationships and at 63 am in a codependent relationship with a woman who was beaten as a child. We failed to have children because of the lack of joy in my heart.

[@michaelhare9608]

​@@AndyJarmanbless you. May you find beauty and peace in yourself and all positive life surrounding you.

[@Just.The.Next.Step.]

May you know that you are wanted, and cherished and a joy. You are not a burden. Sending hugs 🫶🏻

[@novastariha8043]

@@dailylifeexperiences560. 💯

[@copacetictranquillam8154]

I am an adoptee, late 60's, when they thought babies were a "blank slate".... we never get any recognition for our suffering. we're just supposed to be gratefull and keep our mouth shut, and smile

[@thebluebutterfly5177]

I am so glad to know you are here. I am grateful you are here and I am so very sorry for the suffering you have endured. ❤️🙏🏻

[@BassBoss101]

Me too.

[@jrelevates1574]

🙏 yes

[@J.A.706]

As an adoptive mother, I would get so mad at people who would say things like what you describe people say to you. When my kids would have questions about their pasts or where they came from, people would say things like, 'You're just lucky to have parents and you should be grateful." Horrible thing to say to adopted people.

[@gothboschincarnate3931]

isnt that what religion wants?

[@hightide4782]

There’s an old saying about mothers, at least some mothers, who were raised in very patriarchal families - “They love their sons and raise their daughters.”

[@jarkachalmovianska7812]

I would reframe it. They love their sons and tolerate the daughters. Or straight hate them.

[@LedZedd]

Literally the exact opposite.

[@user-kp8sx1nh1c]

That is SO true. All we have to do is hear how our mothers rave about our siblings but never mention our names.

[@katec9893]

Yes this seems to be very true especially in certain cultures like Italian, Irish, Indian.

[@reneenordeen9447]

Adopted in 68, at 2 weeks old. I was always told I should be grateful by everyone and treated like I was an endentured servant that had better know my place and ridiculed mercilessly. Which caused me to be the entertainer of the family and to fawn over everyone, just short of worshipping the ground they walk on, because they expected it. Let's just say, at 55, I'm over it and no longer talk to any of them.

[@dailylifeexperiences560]

This is great whether it's permanent or temporary...

[@dailylifeexperiences560]

May I ask what's next? The steps are gradual yet continual. As we move forward we do so looking for bright sides even if we have to create the bright side for ourselves. I personally have a relationship with God, being in a relationship with God has given me a joy that I cannot describe. The kind of Joy I speak of, is habit of smile on my face when my circumstances or surroundings suggest that I be sad, fearful and crying... However, happiness is a temporary emotion. I am the one responsible for that.

[@dailylifeexperiences560]

I'm 53, my circumstances were different but I can relate to your story. So, where do we go from here?

[@Derlet30]

Good for you! They dont deserve you 🙏

[@user-xd1ll8fo3k]

Been there, am doing that

[@mysticat7652]

"Someone who was not fully invited into the world. They seem like visitors, outsiders who might leave any minute." 😢 The story of my life. ❤ Thank you.

[@user-lq3tx7ye2z]

It's weird because I am an unwanted child. However, I came to realise that I didn't need an invitation, I came on my own terms. I have found so much power in that, actually.

[@rhythmoflove2]

I like the way you think! I feel the same way. If I wasn’t wanted or desired, fck them! I’m here and doing things my fcking way!

[@marciestoddard730]

I love this. Thank you

[@bamereg]

Wow yes, thank you for this. Something clicked in my brain. Thank you.

[@larkrowe41]

I realized I was unwanted and spent too much time wondering if I was supposed to do something to make up for it somehow. But then one day I thought, You know what? God decided that this world needed a person just like me and he sent me. So if no one can be happy about it that's just too bad. That's their problem, not mine, and I'm not going to spend my whole life apologizing for taking up space here on planet earth! God has His reasons. Anyone who has a problem with God's plan can just take it up with Him!

[@libbyfransen7053]

YES! Thank you. Well said, I'm going to take my power back. ❤

[@oldcrone]

People are not reliable. Love yourself and take good care.

[@dailylifeexperiences560]

I use to feel this way, until I saw it in myself as well.

[@mollienight]

I agree. Have compassion and forgiveness for yourself, because no-one else is going to do that for you. Be happy in spite of what others have done or not done.

[@maricamaas2326]

Depending on someone as flawed as oneself, is not sufficient. Only God's perfect love truly provides safety and security.

[@LW-wg4ny]

I was a “suprise” as I was born 8 years after the youngest of 3 was born. I knew from an early age my father wasn’t happy to have another child. I always felt like my father resented me and I had a very difficult relationship with him. I carried around the believe for 54 years that if my own father didn’t love or want me no one would. Finally one day I realized no one was keeping that belief alive but me and that’s all it was…a belief, not necessarily the truth. I made the decision then and there I was no longer going to believe I was unlovable and it honestly transformed my life.

[@catherinewilson1079]

Bravo! Yes, we must LEARN to love ourselves❣️

[@katec9893]

Yes! This reminds me of the work of Louise Hay, about how changing our thinking changes everything.

[@KL-xi2uk]

The worst is when the child hated by the parent becomes the parent hated by the child.

[@user-kp8sx1nh1c]

That's why I refused to have children. Also I flat out didn't want them. I did not want my narcissistic mother and my three older sisters or my father near any child of mine. I had myself spayed--problem solved.

[@The_sky_is_still_blue]

I know this I’ve never heard anyone ever mention this before

[@MrBrunoUSA]

that is why i am single with no kids. well one of the reasons.

[@user-kp8sx1nh1c]

That is why I refused to have children.

[@user-kp8sx1nh1c]

That is why I refused to have children

[@mollienight]

If you feel unloved and unlovable, but then someone comes along and lovebombs you and you are deceived by another narcissist/sociopath. As an unwanted child myself I was always looking for love, this makes you vulnerable to people who want to exploit you. I agree totally with the fear of being sacked!!! I felt that I was an impostor, I would never be good enough and that I would be discovered and dumped!! Many women feel this way when they are in male-dominated industries.

[@-Clarence-]

The women I see in my workplace, which is male dominated, they’re total flirts 🤷‍♂️

[@SisterSunshineTV]

100% correct

[@catherinewilson1079]

23 years with a covert narcissist here!

[@triciabaker8992]

This is so sad for you. One of my children has had a similar bad experience. It has affected our whole family. Narcissists are expert at tricking and gathering their prey.

[@MamaKat53]

My adoptive mom once told me, "you will have no friends. They may like you at first, but once they get to know you, they won't like you.". Your video hit me differently. My mom was abused growing up. I believe now that she was projecting her fears onto me, instead of being just horrible. Don't mistake me, she WAS horrible. She, I feel, was a vulnerable narcissist. For her, it was always a victim mentality. My husband and I called it the "poor Marge syndrome". I was her youngest. When I got married and moved out, she clung harder to me. It was sufficating. I was always confused about why she clung so hard when she treated me like a defect she could brush aside my whole childhood. When I was a child, though, I had no choice but to stay. Where could I go. She panicked when I was independent and had a choice to leave her. Thank you, Tim for this breakthough. It was healing!

[@sweetesthawaiianprincess8086]

So sorry your adop mom was broken

[@TheSjstokes]

I'm 57. My Mum told me I was a mistake at age 7. She told me that she wished that I was conceived in1969 because the abortion act in the UK, became law. I was born into a family full of conflict, toxicity and lack of love. I was born in 1966. My siblings were 21, 20 and 10 years my seniors. The way I was treated as a child shaped my life. I didn't have children because i was concerned about bringing a child into the world that wasn't wanted. I would have, but my husband would have resented them. It's a shame that Mum said those things to me and other narratives.

[@carrier7399]

Sounds like your mom had her own demons to deal with.

[@davidmazur5629]

Thank you Tim for this video. I am 44 years old and grew up unwanted by my father and with a narcissistic mother. My father did not hesitate to say it explicitly throughout my childhood... sometimes jokingly ("I was raped by your mom."), sometimes very seriously. I have no memories of my dad ever doing "dad stuff" with me (playing soccer with me, teaching me how to ride a bike, coming to cheer for me on sports or school events), but I do remember very clearly an instance where he told me seriously I was unwanted (I must have been 10-12 years old). My mom always saw me (including up to today) as a utility for her. This included verbal abuse when she felt I wasn't useful or supportive to her. It sounds like a detail, but I also started realizing that there are no pictures of me with my dad in our family photo albums. Fast forward 30 years: I am a married father, 3 teenage kids (I am not making the mistakes of my dad ;-)), and went through a marital crisis in the last 2 years. This triggered a lot of my trauma, and recently I started seeing a therapist and I started to connect the dots between my dysfunctional behaviors and my childhood trauma. I tick almost all the boxes in terms of dysfunctional behavior - from feeling almost always unloved, to being a people pleaser and wanted to be everything for everyone... even down to the small but ever-present suicidal thoughts (never to a degree that it would be problematic, but they do pop up in small ways from time to time). But I have started a healing journey. and I wanted to tell everyone out there that it is possible. One way in particular where I get a lot of benefit from is connecting with my inner child. Spending time with him, giving him the love and "wantedness" he never had. Reconnecting with childhood play and games (including together with my children). Also spending time alone and in silence, something which I have struggled with throughout my childhood. My parents are in their late 70's now, including with health issues. I would really like to tell them one day, but I feel that it will not resonate with them and will hurt them... also, they will not change anymore at their age. I have good hopes that I can heal myself and most importantly ensure that I don't commit the mistakes of my parents towards my own kids. I hope you can make some more videos on this topic and especially on the healing journey.

[@ProveAllThings1Th-5-21]

Thank you for sharing your story. Prayers for you and your family.🙏

[@smeag9280]

My mother has gaslit me my whole life saying she loves her children more than anything, but everything in this video completely makes sense. I recently found a diary from when I was 13, and had written how I felt I was a burden and wished I would just die.

[@joyc9323]

I'm sorry about your experience and I know it's not the place but on behalf of your mom, she really does love you, she just can't split her realities in two and her trying to bring both i.e her trauma and her love for you guys together makes it seem like gaslighting because the two don't mix well. She's barely herself but she does love you, she's not consciously gaslighting you 😢

[@smeag9280]

@@joyc9323 Did your mother blame you for relationships that ended and call you a whore? Did she force you to sleep on dirty, dusty floors until you had asthma? Did she force you to eat food she knew made you throw up? Love sounds pretty twisted to me.

[@katec9893]

​@@joyc9323You might not realise it but your comment is very invalidating and ironically gaslighting to the original poster. It's important not to deny or invalidate another person's lived experience.

[@j.svensson7652]

My parents did not want me and my father took every opportunity to TELL me as much. The emotional, physical, sexual abuse I lived through caused 67 yrs of damaged life. I've worked in therapy for 40 plus years but you can't undo the trauma. No child should be born unwanted. EVER

[@Mrs.TJTaylor]

Lots are going to be coming down the pike now!

[@wdfktv8555]

​@@Mrs.TJTayloryes, so many thanks to the self-righteous and self-serving justices of the Supreme court.

[@Mrs.TJTaylor]

@@wdfktv8555 Exactly. You got it.

[@j.svensson7652]

@@Mrs.TJTaylor sadly

[@andyokus5735]

That's why when my stupid live-in girlfriend got " accidentally" pregnant I told her " It's your body but I can't be a father". She's the one who told me that an IUD only lasted 4 years. Yet she went 6 years without changing it. What I'm most proud of in my life; not having an unwanted child with a miserable bitch who lived in an imaginary dream world.

[@lahicks9773]

My mom told me my whole life she wish she didn't have kids. With all fairness my grandparents didn't want the kids they had either so my mom was unwanted too. It is a generational cycle that cause much harm.

[@simplypositiveme]

Tim, everything you said. The self loathing. The feeling of never belonging. The feeling of being a burden. That's HUGE in my life. Always worrying about of someone is mad at me or I'm interfering in their time. I truly don't even know where to start but you are so spot on. THANK YOU. I had collic as a baby my mother said so I would think that further interfered in the bonding. My mom only pays attention to my older brother. She only cares about him. I'm invisible or she's passive aggressive.

[@sherisetodd591]

Well, I love you. Also, don't be afraid to get help if you need it. I give love from me to you. ❤️❤️❤️

[@simplypositiveme]

​@sherisetodd59 I received help now but no one I've worked with understands. 7 therapists.

[@sherisetodd591]

You might want to try some support groups. Support groups might be a good thing for you.

[@sherisetodd591]

Seven, oh. Well also, I am not saying this solves the problem but you might need to cut ties with her and find a support group even if you have to go from group to group until you come across the right one. Also, remember, there is nothing wrong with you if she was a jerk and search out some support groups until you find the right one.

[@monacaensam9465]

What if you were a practical joke played by your mother on your father - 12 years after the birth of the oldest child. Misogynistic and emotionally absent father and a mother that was chronically severely depressed and periodically abusive. I was pretty much left to raise myself. And being a daughter- was taught early on that being female was bad, having any needs was selfish, and you darn well better be quiet and agreeable- or else!

[@oldcrone]

You have described my childhood. Especially the part about how society regarded females.

[@urthshu]

oh wow sameish but male shamed for being male

[@BetaBuxDelux]

Boys go through the same thing. I learned early on my needs didn’t matter.

[@PennyBlanche]

I was an unwanted baby. My aunt told me once I was the result of a rape. My whole family was dysfunctional. I looked after my mother since I was 6 and until she died, she always said she’d tell me on her deathbed who my father was, she said it was my father after all. She hurt me so much, I have many problems but grew up clever (no education) and very good looking all that helped, but I have a never ending emptiness inside. I married but never had children. This is the first ever explanation that helps me. Good bless all of us.

[@k0nbini]

It sounds like you did an amazing job 👏👏👏

[@dovheinlein3355]

I knew people who were told by a parent I wish I didn't have you or you are unwanted. This video brings together so many things and now this makes sense to me. It is 2 am, I am crying my eyes out.

[@nalini8760]

It is just as hard to realise that one's narcissitic mother only wanted you, because she didn't want to work, and as soon, as she had her baby, she rejected her new motherhood: Too much work.

[@websurfer5772]

Yeah mine was like that too.

[@francestaylor9156]

Crazy how common this is. =(

[@christiea772]

Another category is when the parents have a “wanted” child only to fulfill societal expectations but in reality they wish otherwise. It can be one of the two or both parents.

[@margarethelena2009]

It's like never existing as me, only existing as something they want. Not someone. SOMETHING.

[@es8117]

And to keep a relationship. Happens more than people realise.

[@skylinefever]

I think about how therapists must get a lot of children of tiger moms.

[@ChronicallyTT]

I call these social media babies. A lot of friends my age (younger millennials) fall into this category and as a psych student, it’s infuriating. Children aren’t here for you to play the role you feel the need to play in society.

[@skylinefever]

@@ChronicallyTT I often tell critics of childfree "If not having children is selfish, show me the altruism of popping out babies for Instagram clout."

[@user-xp7yy3py5o]

74 year old guy here who is checking almost all the boxes. Just awake enough, just self aware enough to know I’m feeling/behaving these ways with the attitudes about life but can’t stop seeing myself as a victim. Yeah wanting to die and move on cause I mess up over and over. Living with a loving kind friend who helps me out but I can’t get over myself to open my heart enough to show my appreciation. My dog and cats are blessing and I feel I don’t do enough for them either. Had so many advantages in this life that I have wasted didn’t deserve it so threw it away then feel so sorry for myself. Just crazy behavior that is leading me to a place of complete aloneness which from childhood has been my biggest fear.

[@catherinewilson1079]

We all need to figure out how to love ourselves since no one else loved us like a true Moma. This is your God given task. Research how to do that. It sounds cheesy but it works. Adoptee here saying sorry and sending you love 💕 💕💕💕💕💕

[@user-xp7yy3py5o]

@@catherinewilson1079 Thank you for your kind words and open heart ❤️. I’ve been searching for Mother’s love all my life. First born son to a mother who was not ready and for sure didn’t want a boy. As a nominal adult I should be well over that experience yet I know it is a very human thing not to be.

[@catherinewilson1079]

@@user-xp7yy3py5o You have thoroughly absorbed the easy critiques of people who have not lived what we have. For example the common response used today to “Get over it”! You ARE VALUABLE AND LOVED❣️ By God, or by “the universe” if you prefer that concept. I am 71 and have only learned this in the last 6 years. There is no performance, no intelligence, no payment required to know that you are loved.

[@MKayyyy177]

I developed an autoimmune disease by the time I was 9. The very thing supposed to protect me, my immune system, was attacking me. By the time I was 15, I knew “I don’t want kids. There’s too much I want to do in life and to raise them right, they need more attention.” I made the choice to not have kids then. And at 45, I have zero regrets. I refuse to bring a child in the way I was brought in. Thank God, He guided me on how to heal that autoimmune disease. Now to heal my heart.

[@Mrs.TJTaylor]

Lifting you in prayer for your healing heart.

[@user-kp8sx1nh1c]

I refused to have kids too. Glad I did

[@Khgfdsaaadgyy554]

I was unwanted...my mum didn't want me...but my dad wouldn't let her get an abortion. She never liked me and treated me differently to my siblings...and I was a female... another negative...to bring an unwanted child into this world...is cruel and sadistic...

[@TheRhonada]

I called myself an orphan child of living parents.

[@dailylifeexperiences560]

Do share if your comfortable. I was 19, my mother seem to have lost her mind and my father off on a drunken stupor somewhere..., I moved off to new york, found a church home to get involved with and met a young woman who was an adolescent at the time. I did not know upon meeting her that her biological mother had died, or been murdered in front of her. One day she asked me about my parents and I told her I didn't know where my father was, and that my mom had died. You see, growing up, they were two totally different people, in my late teenage years, I didn't know who these people were. At that time we were estranged, they both are deceased now; we were blessed to be reconciled.

[@Evelyn-wi8rq]

Yes, this is me. I have always been very tense and nervous, going through life with 1 foot out the door, always anticipating someone telling me "we dont want you here, f*ck off". I discovered lately how i can relax if I say to myself "the world wants me, people are happy im here". I dont necessarily believe it, but I tried to feel how it would feel if it were true, and it helps me a lot to feel more safe in life. I had hoped this video would have some tips om how to work on this more. If anyone has any advice, I would really appreciate it.

[@LisaSimplified]

No advise - just sending encouragement to you on your journey. I think a lot of people feel unwanted or unsure in public settings and you reminded me to smile more and make eye contact with more people. You never know who might be feeling unwanted and working on their healing. Peace!

[@dailylifeexperiences560]

If I may, the first thing I would like to encourage you in is 1. In this healing process, especially the early stages don't be so concerned about how others feel, and whether or not they see you or accept you..., Imagine a body of water or a pool, I'm not sure whether or not you can swim but for me regarding getting into a body of water. I always need to feel or know the temperature. Therefore I'm prone to tiptoe to the water and stick my toe in... Take time to assess yourself, this means dealing with the hurts, working on understanding The Roots (if you don't already) of your trauma.

[@dailylifeexperiences560]

You see, I lived the greater part of my youthful life lying to stay afloat. As indicated in the video I told people what they wanted to hear because they didn't seem to believe what I was saying... Today I am my authentic self, unapologetically. I try very hard not to be rude or abrasive. I believe God has gifted me with compassion, and a great deal of empathy where I cannot have sympathy... I was well into my forties when I learned the importance of relational boundaries..., oftentimes people were setting boundaries with me, but I had no idea they (boundaries) existed; so I was never able to express or put boundaries I needed for myself in place with other people... As long as I didn't understand that it was a problem or could be a problem, life was Grand. People got out of me what they needed, and then they were gone. When I woke up and began to realize this was taking place in my life, "I must tell you the truth, it was a devastating fact". I became destined to take back control of my life (rather should I say take control of my life). I even had people to tell me that they did not like the new me. Why? 😂😂😂 Because they couldn't dictate anything to me anymore. I somehow discovered that I had a right to an opinion. I was no longer a yes girl and a lot of people to just say or do anything and I'll be okay with it. I was for decades because I didn't know any better. But there's a new sheriff in town 😊. I'm excited 😆! I look forward to introducing her to the world. I have to say I would not have this voice if it were not for my relationship with God. While my conception was an unwanted pregnancy..., I was Born into The Gospel. Personally I feel that was and is an advantage that I have that many don't. Sometimes it's scary to think where I would be Born into the same circumstances without the experience of Christianity early in my life. Now we're talking about four decades of pain. Just about a decade and a half of renewal. This is a day by day, some days minute by minute, second by second journey. Please be advised, Working on your self-confidence is going to be important. There are times when people will receive us, sometimes they will reject us..., we must know how to deal with that and truly be okay. It takes work but I'm here to tell you it's doable. If you push and endure through whatever hurdles baby before you, you will be okay.

[@dailylifeexperiences560]

I don't have any advice per se, I'm simply sharing my daily life experiences. DLE Ask a specific question and I will try and give you a specific answer.

[@dailylifeexperiences560]

​@@LisaSimplifiedthis is good! ❤

[@allyubuntu9600]

I don't usually comment on videos because I feel like my thoughts are "unwanted", but this resonated with me so much and felt compelled to share. I was an “accident” and my parents would tell me and my brothers that they would take us to an orphanage when we made them mad. They would often say things like "i hate you and I wish you were never born". They even left my brothers on the side of the rode and drove away saying that the "new family" was going to pick them up, and drove down the street and picked them up a few minutes later. I now experience every result on that list. Feeling so unworthy of love, relationships, good jobs, even sabotage my own health because I feel deep down like I never should have existed in the first place. You really did a great job explaining exactly what it feels like to be an unwanted child and put words to things that I have felt but didn't know how to explain. I especially liked how you distinguished the unconscious wish to die as a separate point from "sewerslidal" fantasies. I really don't want to die, but ever since I was a kid I have felt deep down this wish to die gnawing at me like a hunger pang, but instead of starving for food, I was starving for love and belonging. It really is a LIFETIME of trauma, but understanding where our trauma comes from and knowing we're not alone is such a big step in the healing process. Thank you for everything you do to help people understand their trauma.

[@TheMightyPika]

13:58 I have never seen myself written out in such simple language. It's scary and liberating.

[@jaydee2072]

I was an unwanted child. My birth mother decided to abuse and starve me(permanently injuring me physically), and I was taken from her at around 6 months. I had a foster family and then I was adopted into a family with no children but rather absent parents who immediately put me in the care of maid and then went back to work. When we came to the states I was around 5 and it was just my mom. I feel like I've been alone as a kid all my life. My parents were always so busy, working hard to advance their careers and just make ends meet. I feel sort of lost in the shuffle, and the only times I remember being noticed where when I failed at something. This didn't lead to anything good. I know they had their burdens, and they were abused too, so I can understand them. But this does nothing to relieve MY pain and suffering, and help ME become a whole person who feels worthy of good things. It has been a hard fight, through a delinquent and wasted opportunities of youth, to homelessness and addiction as man. I'm finally housed in a dignified manner and working a steady job and I almost feel human but I still have so much pain I'm only beginning to address. Shit is hard man.

[@lrsco]

I understand. Slightly different situation but I do understand you.

[@user-lq3tx7ye2z]

Don't give up. You decided to come into this world because you knew even before you were born that you would do something great! Have your back, trust, and respect yourself.

[@sarachae7751]

Yes, please NEVER, EVER give up on this precious thing called LIFE! As I see it, every person who ever lived, is now living, or will live in the future has won the "lottery of life" by NOT becoming gross slimy sperm going down the drain, dried up on the bedsheet--you get my drift. Therefore, by that very fact that we ARE alive on this beautiful planet is proof that YOU were meant to be here. Plain and simple. Period. ;-) Cheers to you lucky man!

[@mapleext]

I’m so sorry for your pain and thank you for writing your truth. The world wants you, even though parents failed you. I’m going through this myself, and as an old woman I can tell you we who were unwanted are valuable people. You have the unique ability to understand others and every act of kindness you do is also a kindness to yourself. That little boy inside of you has every right to be afraid. But I see you are taking steps to help her, to take care of him. I believe in you and your right to be here. Hugs!!

[@forgiven5919]

You have overcome so much and we are so proud of you! ❤️ Jesus Christ saved me from giving up from the pain and if you ask him he will help you too.

[@Hislittlelamb]

I was in my late 60’s before I was able to face the truth of being unwanted. I was the third girl, they were so disappointed when I was 2 months old my dad actually drank a potion given to him with the guarantee he’d conceive a boy this time and it worked. My baby brother was born one week before my 1st birthday. It’s a story my parents loved to tell over & over. It’s part of our “Family Story” with no regard for how that would affect me. I experienced rejection after rejection, bullying by siblings, scapegoating, and devaluing my right to life, expecting me to sacrifice myself for others. I concur that with time, motivation, & work I will come to love myself and pursue the things that bring me happiness & joy.

[@websurfer5772]

Hugs to you.

[@LisaSimplified]

Wow that sounds very rough. I found freedom when I decided not to want them either. I'm 65 and it helped me. ;) Peace!

[@Job.Well.Done_01]

I hope you find true happiness!!

[@ruwaydahobaray1983]

A similar story. I am the second girl and unwanted because obviously my mom wanted a boy. She would speak openly about what she had to do when having sex with my father so that she would conceive a boy, and miraculously it worked! I was always on the outside looking in.

[@websurfer5772]

@@ruwaydahobaray1983 That's just not right. Sorry that happened to you.

[@somersetcace1]

When my youngest daughter was conceived we were not planning on another child. You could even say we didn't `want` another child, but once it happened and we got over the shock of it, we embraced it. She went from being unwanted in concept, to a very much wanted real person. At no time in her life did either of us ever consider her unwanted, despite the circumstances under which she was conceived. I do not understand parents that have unplanned children and don't embrace it once they're here, let alone hold it against them and make them feel unwanted.

[@practionerofJesus]

I grew up unwanted by humanity and still unwanted by many. Was told many things, experience many things, saw many things that no one should see. How does one over come, Jesus is the calming, the comfort,the logic, the peace needed.

[@Mrs.TJTaylor]

Amen.

[@user-ox9rg9is3r]

Amen! Jesus heals all xxx

[@hapennysparrow]

I've been on that journey for quite a while, discovering the lies I believed as truth, and replacing them with what God says about me, how He values, sees, and bestows dignity upon me as His child. It has taken years to get here, but the difficult road to discovery, and peeling back layers of lies, worth it. Jesus said," You shall know the truth, and the truth will make you free." It is a process. We can only go as fast as we can absorb and accept a different reality, but it is possible to know how to be comfortable in my own skin, to receive love, and to form healthy boundaries. God is faithful to heal the broken hearted. It is what He came to do. Trusting Him to bring me all the way through to healthy self identity. I am now 75. Better late than never! God's peace on anyone feeling broken; He is able and eager to heal.

[@DebGreen-kx9jd]

at 75 yrs. old i 1st began to have "true" feelings from.a lifetime ago. At 79, the gut wrenching feelings have surfaced. I have not allowed myself to heal. I believe i am beginning that journey now...at almost 80.

[@mkayokay3192]

I was wanted as a boy. My room was made blue. My mothers difficult birth was blamed on my being a female child. When I was 17 my parents moved out of our home and left me there. I know that sounds like “oh poor you, you had a place to live” but I was never wanted. I was a burden and irritating to my parents. I’ve never felt like I belonged on this planet. I felt/feel like not even God could love me and I didn’t know why I always felt like that. But I had my parents and $ so my mind never allowed me to feel the weight of being unwanted. Ouch that explains some things.

[@KiKi-te9yd]

Where did they go? I understand the feeling of not belonging anywhere. Its horribly lonely

[@mkayokay3192]

@@KiKi-te9yd they moved to a different place that they were wanting to go to when “the kids were grown” lol

[@xxxx4726]

​@@mkayokay3192I am sorry that happened to you. Just want to let you know that God does love you - when you have a free moment, will you please read Psalm 27:10? I think you will be pleasantly surprised!

[@KiKi-te9yd]

@@mkayokay3192 omg. That's atrocious, 17 is so young to be abandoned like that. Hugs x

[@mkayokay3192]

@@KiKi-te9yd thank you. I see that now. At the time I thought I was grown 🥲 ❤️

[@BetaBuxDelux]

My mother started abusing me when I was still a baby. I actually don’t remember but she said, “I abused you”, and my sister confirmed it. My dad said, “your mother didn’t love you”. 😊 I’m almost 50 and never had kids and am pretty much unable to trust any potential romantic partners. It was pretty painful and lonely but eventually you learn to adjust as best you can. I haven’t seen my mom in 20 years. 😊 Focusing on work helps.

[@mares3841]

You are alive.

[@BetaBuxDelux]

@@mares3841 I am and do quite well financially.

[@BetaBuxDelux]

@@mares3841 True and I do quite well financially.

[@catherinewilson1079]

I understand and I am sorry ❣️

[@karenkuske5567]

The burden thing hit hard. Need to speak on how we wind up with narcissistic men/women in relationships and abused more………

[@Mrs.TJTaylor]

My mother got pregnant with me by someone else a month before she married another guy. She tried to pass me off as his but I think everyone knew, or found out. I knew by high school that it would be impossible for that guy (who was out of the picture for good by the time I was six years old) to be my biological father. My mother would never admit it and I asked her repeatedly. Now the DNA results are in and she can’t deny it any more. But she made it clear throughout my childhood years that I had ruined her life. That’s what she said, “You ruined my life”. She said she would have gone to medical school if she hadn’t gotten pregnant with me. This came with an unspoken agreement that I would be a good girl and not cause any further damage to her and that I would work hard to make it up to her. Long story short, I’m a bastard and and I was not, and never have been wanted by my mother. Deep, deep shame. :)

[@koolbeans8292]

I was a member of my 20-year-old mother's third and unwanted, woopsie pregnancy in 1956. 3 1/2 hours between us, with me being the last. I remember standing in the kitchen in the seventh grade, asking my mom if I was adopted. I normalized their abnormal behavior for 59 years, I finally woke up. That was eight years ago.

[@joannedobkin3363]

My father told me flat out that he didn’t need a 5th child and especially a 4th girl. He told me to my face he didn’t want another mouth to feed and wished I wasn’t born. I never forgot it and my entire childhood he was emotionally cruel to me. A sibling agreed that he was especially mean towards me. My mother loved me enough to make up for his hate. My mother was an Angel that poured love out to me. When she died the trauma was very painful. My birth was a difficult one 36 hours and both my mom and I were born with a hernia. I was operated on at 5 to fix it.

[@Iam...---]

I was a child that caused shame and embarrassment on two unknown families . I had to hide from the world in fear of being found out. I was adopted.

[@NancyCausey]

You have nothing to be ashamed of. These families that adopted you should feel shame, not you.

[@Iam...---]

@@NancyCausey I've never looked at it from that perspective. My adoptive mother died when I was 23 and my birth father abandoned us when I was a teenager. I've needed to hear that. Thank you for bringing me some clarity I've been searching for for over 30 years. 🥰

[@NancyCausey]

@@Iam...--- Well, I've been in a similar situation. Live well and be happy. Love yourself! God bless you.

[@Iam...---]

@@NancyCausey I am learning. Life is confusing. You too. Thank you. Hugs.

[@rickp.6251]

Sometimes when I feel terrible about myself I can't fall back on words I never heard from parents. So I tell my son to remember that I love you, your ok , never forget that, regardless of what bad things you experience in life. Sure you make mistakes, and get disciplined and advised. Regardless of whether you're the sharpest person or not, your loved your ok, love yourself and others and keep plugging away.

[@rosemaryallen2128]

I was a honeymoon accident. My mother loathed the idea of pregnancy so much that she completely denied I existed until I was kicking her insides. I never was able to view having a child of my own as anything other than an intolerable burden. I don't blame my mother for being immature - and probably not really loving my father - but I DO blame her for telling me all about it! I wrote myself off by the age of 11 and it has taken me a lifetime to adjust to being a half social animal.

[@francestaylor9156]

Break the cycle. Having my own kids has helped me on my healing journey. It will trigger a lot of things though so you’ll have to be ready to work on stuff that comes up. The one thing I can say about having kids is that I absolutely do NOT understand my parents whatsoever. My husband feels the same way about his parents and my godsister has said the same thing. We all think our parents were crazy weirdos. Children are an absolute joy and blessing. You are a blessing in this world too. Don’t let your mom tell you otherwise.

[@rosemaryallen2128]

@@francestaylor9156 Thank you for your sweet reply. Children are indeed a delight.

[@simplypositiveme]

I've written myself off too. I don't feel human or ok or accepted. School was a nightmare too.

[@rosemaryallen2128]

@@simplypositiveme School? - I once wrote a story in which school was equated to the penal system! The best therapy, apart from a decent psychologist, is to take on challenges. Begin as small as necessary, and that way kick-start self assurance. Best wishes!

[@simplypositiveme]

​@@rosemaryallen2128I meant school when I was kid.

[@obliooberon3679]

I journalled the other day " comfort is the silent killer" it is so not the addictions , it's Trauma !

[@jayjaychadoy9226]

My Mom tried to get rid of me in her womb using alcohol and a hot bath, recommended to her by her doctor. Her friend was also pregnant and tried the same thing. The result was me 😅! I think she and my Dad had shame and guilt. When I found out by my sister telling me what my Mom did in my fifties. After I got over the shock I realized it was like God showed me why I was the bad ‘person’, and how all of a sudden it was like the lights went on. It wasn’t just lights, but 🎄 Christmas lights. I had all kinds of memories coming back. Anyway, God made a way for me, and my children, whom I love dearly, and wanted more than anything else. I encourage people to not to be discouraged. God loves us best! Somehow he makes up for the harm done us. ❤

[@francestaylor9156]

He really does. God’s love saved me through so many hard times in my life.

[@anthonyfoott4890]

Look after yourself 👍

[@redhead8777]

What you (choose to) see is what you (choose to) get! We must reframe everything.

[@desiree2086]

If God existed he wouldn’t have let this happen to us. Religion is a lie to keep us stupid

[@forgiven5919]

God saved me from giving up also! He told me how much he loves me! Jesus Christ is my everything! ❤️

[@abbykoop5363]

I resonated with every single one of those "when you get older" points. I am 62 now. It's so painful!

[@sigrid3553]

Yes, so did I. It hurts.. But I am so grateful for this video bringing up the topic ..

[@JillCee]

I was unwanted because I came with so many undiagnosed health issues. I was not the experience they were expecting nor wanted. Just learning how deeply that early rejection has impacted me. My parents and grandparents weren’t anything more than strangers to me. This list describes me to a t.

[@sigrid3553]

I hear you. So sorry you had to endure this. Hugs from Norway.

[@Sanitydriven477]

Sir, you are marvelous. My husband has the trauma you're referring here. I have been married for 8yrs now. It took me 6yrs to convey my sincere admiration and love for him. Yes, it took me this long to convince him that there's no ulterior or hidden motive here. He's out of fight or flight mode, he's currently much calm and secure at work too. I only hope this continues.

[@_.lorelei._]

Damn! You just described my entire life in 18 minutes!

[@IamHisHeismine]

I do hate it when someone presents a heavy, sad problem without offering solutions

[@ruwaydahobaray1983]

On the positive side you know what the cause of the problem is and can start working on your healing.

[@dailylifeexperiences560]

To what in your life or the life of a loved one would you like a solution for? Many of us here are peers. We can share if it's something we've conquered. Forgive me if I'm making an assumption that you're asking for yourself. ~respectfully dle

[@skylinefever]

Sometimes you can't solve things, the best you can do is see a rational explanation.

[@IamHisHeismine]

@@skylinefever I’m not gonna indulge your hopelessness. I’m looking for a solution. There are solutions for this. I’m sorry you’re feeling hopeless.

[@wendy-uc9rj]

You have to realize that nearly everything on YT is a come-on to get you buy something. That's just the way it is.

[@Pheonix1111]

I always knew I was not wanted starting on the day I was born. I avoid all relationships. I live the lone wolf life. I endure every item on your list that you mentioned in this video.

[@obliooberon3679]

In agreement endured , suffering a silent horror !

[@Pheonix1111]

@@obliooberon3679 You have my compassion. I hope you heal. I have never been hugged or loved by anyone. I have only been abused. Loneliness is all I know. Toxic people should NEVER be parents, because they are clueless as to how much they damage their children.

[@stephaniedonatello6844]

My heart ❤goes out to you❤ I went through bad stuff too and still confused and trying to deal with it😢

[@Pheonix1111]

@@stephaniedonatello6844. Thank you. Yes, it takes time to process all the bad stuff that happens to us. But always remember that there was never anything wrong with you or about you. The problem always belonged to your abusers. They are the ones who were unable to see how precious and wonderful you truly are, and they are the ones who have the communications, empathy, and relationship issues and deficiencies. They shamed you undeservedly, but they should truly be ashamed of themselves for their despicable behaviour and mistreatment of you. They deflected their insecurities and deficiencies by shaming you instead of looking in the mirror and fixing their own issues. You never deserved to be harmed. They were too lazy or ignorant or in self-denial to fix their own issues. Every child/person should be loved and respected. Abusers are selfish and lack empathy. They blame and shame others and avoid fixing themselves. Please stop believing that there is something wrong with you or that you are not good enough. Erase those types of negative messages/false beliefs that your abusers instilled within your mind, so you can heal. Love yourself. Take care of yourself and your needs.

[@livecrypto7083]

@@Pheonix1111 that just cant not be true . You WERE loved by someone, you just did not even allow that thought to yourself... Like I did not. But we know. NOW.. And we cant to Unknown iit back.. There is a reason we had to have this experience on this planet... so heal heal heal. myself myself love yourself, love is the only way like ur nickname already implies )

[@savanahsmiles]

OMG... this filled in so many gaps for me. I could never put my finger on why I could never absorb love and was always so detached from my own feelings. All of my relationships I would always look for a reason to break up or sabotage them. I sabotaged my career jobs, everything with no understanding of why I always felt so undeserving of love and attention. Thank you so much!

[@kylesweeney3059]

Using a affirmation like "this is a old trigger, I'm safe now" can help. But really I'm learning (with help) you can heal. Almost just having awareness is healing as the first step. It really is about getting into relationships and being open to that gnawing, almost unbearable thought "omg i'm not wanted, once they find out how bad I am they'll leave". It can likely only be completed in a safe relationship. Because until you have that other experience (ive had a few safe moments with trusted women) it then shows you what you missed and what's out there for you. and also, you have to unlearn that unsafe people are likely thoe ones that felt safe growing up. They had an answer for everything, and everyone was to blame. Now you realize the safe ones say "eh, I dunno" or "aww I love that" or they pick people up. That feels very foreign, I used to always have a problem just saying "life is positive, everything will be alright" for a few years. I was so used to chaos and confusion that to hold onto for days, weeks, months that I could be happy was wrong. Because my mom couldn't, and I was trauma bonded to her, for fear of rejection and abandonment. While it was healthy, it was attachment, and it was what I knew of love. But now, I realize it was conditional. Real love is unconditional, and understand we're all different people and we get to choose our tribes. Doesn't mean use people to get ahead, that's actually not how people get rich. It's by leveraging, giving, and treating them equally. Don't just text them when you have a few mins, or need something. Check in because it's fun to learn, to talk, to meet others. We were raised to feel so alone but when you think hard, we're so not.

[@Skye66173]

Was born in a workhouse in the 60's for unmarried mothers. I wasn't wanted and was given up for adoption immediately. I've always been mentally ill. In and out of psychiatric hospitals, suicidal ideation and not fitting in anywhere. I've never known love and never known how to bond with anyone. I've spent my whole life a loner, a black sheep in constant emotional pain.

[@catherinewilson1079]

I am so sorry 💕

[@bagobeans]

I was unwanted and abused. I still bear the scars on my body of the abuse. Now, add to that of being adopted and being told constantly that I am not part of the family. My mother wanted me but not my dad's side of the family. I had adopted brothers and a sister but they had families. My dad's family never came over. My mother has no family. My dad's sister disliked me and made it a point to tell me that I wasn't part of the family. She would come over, and take my brothers and sister out for ice cream and they'd come back with toys. At Christmas, my dad's sister brought us gifts. They all received nice gifts. But as for me, she brought me baby toys. I kid you not!! My parents did nothing to stop this behavior. After my mother passed, my dad's sister laid into me and told me how she really felt. "I didn't want them to adopt you, but your mother wouldn't listen. She had to have you. You are a failure and bring nothing but shame to the family. You're nothing but a whore!" Wow! Okay. I passed on to my dad what she had said, and his response was troubling. "What do you want me to do? She's my sister." After that I left, and I never came back. Being adopted was taboo growing up. I didn't belong to any group or never had a culture. I did ask God why he created me. Many years down the road, disastrous relationships, I was in church one day, and the second reading was from St. Paul. It was about adopted children of God. I could relate to that. Being adopted, and knowing my mom loved me, helped me realize how much I was loved by God. God created me because he loves me. That was good enough for me. Forget about what others think or say. 🎉

[@RobinSpeer]

Yep, I was the unwanted child. My mother definitely did not want another child as I was 10 years younger than my closest sibling (it was pretty obvious) and she just seemed indifferent towards me unless she needed me for something. While I came to terms with that, I will say that because I did not feel the love or felt like I had been nurtured enough, I decided against having children because I didn't want to pass those awful feelings onto another human being. It really stinks having that nagging feeling of never being good enough.

[@ChristinaPhillips-jy3vy]

Every single time I watch a Tim Fletcher video I think he's speaking directly to me. Startling.

[@lajoyahill3139]

Same, it's crazy it is always speaking to me too!❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

[@MugeLevend]

I feel absolutely the same how is this possible? amazing

[@Job.Well.Done_01]

I feel similarly. Very relatable

[@ambbergrantham5686]

I was conceived during a divorce. My mother said she really wanted an abortion but she was evangelical so she didn't do it. She spent the rest of my childhood leaving me with family members months on end and refusing to be affectionate. It's a hurtful double standard because she was loving to my siblings. Thanks for the video highlighting and validating the pain of being unwanted. I recommend many other risks you mentioned in her. And I definitely relate to a lot of those behaviors in me.

[@catherinewilson1079]

This is why I abhor the evangelical need to dictate that there should be no abortions. I agree in sentiment that there should be no unwanted babies, but in practice humans are full of sin. Adoptee here.

[@x-raycat323]

I was the middle child my older brother and I look like twins my dad never bothered to call me by my real name he pretended he was confused and called me my older brother's name up until I was legal drinking age , I was told at age 58 I was found at the bottom of the pool by the landscaper and revived, adults were distracted and didn't notice no one ever knew how long I was under

[@enough1494]

Reality check half of our children go thru that trauma. How many unwanted babies are born ever single day! I am the child of a teen girl, who was forced to marry and move to another country. She did not even speak their language. 67, and your video still touched my soul

[@michelleelfazzate178]

She told me I had ruined her life and made me suffer since,I now reject her and would shed a tear when she leaves this world

[@1kenders]

I was adopted, my mother turned 18 the day after she had me. I was born with a double hernia so spent 2 months in I guess an orphanage before I could go home with my parents. Then I was sexually abused, I knew what a vibrator was when I was 3. That's was just the beginning, it took me until I was 54 to realize how screwed up I was. Still working on me at almost 56.

[@catherinewilson1079]

I am sorry 😢

[@user-go8ft8dm3g]

This continues with siblings rejecting you in later life. It's really so sad. The grief goes on. ❤

[@susanne1756]

You forgot an adopted child. Big trauma...! After listening to this video, it amazed me because you described me exactly 💯 % My life has been plagued by self-doubt and feelings of not being quiet good enough. I have sabotaged all of my relationships and today I am 73 years old. I have never been able to fully trust or love deeply. I've been depressed on and off for most of my life. My adopted parents were good parents, I even met my birth mother and siblings. Nothing made a difference. It's painful living like this. But I do the best that I can. I can't even get too close to my own child or grandkids. I feel like a stranger in a strange land. God Bless everyone who feels this way. 🙏 ❤

[@panthira2240]

I'm an unwanted child. My father was absent my entire life. My mother never wanted me, and she neglected me growing up. Then as an adult she went after me, started decades long smear campaign, stole my kids from me using false allegations, made my own children not want me helping my ex-husband destroy me and my kids, and now I'm all alone with no family. :(

[@kathleenmorrison8450]

I'm so sorry you were treated that way, it's evil. May Almighty God bless you, heal you, and give you a happy future. ❤

[@caron777]

You’re not alone…

[@dailylifeexperiences560]

Young man, I am truly on that journey of healing and wholeness glory be to God. You have just described many elements of my past and possibly an areas present life. I salute you sir, and I thank God for the anointing that is on your life to share this information so that others can see themselves in it, or their loved ones and get the help they so deserve and need.

[@DebGreen-kx9jd]

thank you tim ! you've put into words and clarified my life experiences; including the mental emotional, 😅 physical, spiritua,aspectsi am 79 years old and only now experiencing the " real" feelings of a lifetime. everything in this video has been me thru my life my mom loved me so she gave me up for adoption after birth and 2 months in an incubator, so i would be safe. She suffered greatly during her pregnancy. I went to a family where i had to be perfect, giving me what they wanted me to have; taking away what i loved. i haven't allowed myself to heal, be in the world, be happy and have peace, be who God meant to be

[@HowShouldIKnow6543]

“I was a mistake” I was told that through my entire childhood and the dynamics continue to this day

[@Stardust475]

Very common in South Asian contexts, specifically daughters. The wider family network reinforces this attitude (abuse), too.

[@skylinefever]

I read that in India, births are now 1.9 per woman. I cheered.

[@--Skip--]

Actually, it is very common throughout the world that boys are favored more than girls.

[@lauriesanto7410]

I was the “accidental” second child in a family whose first child had severe birth defects and nearly died. I envision my time in the womb as being surrounded by all the anxiety my mother felt going into an unwanted pregnancy mixed with the fear of the unknown. I have never seen my life described as perfectly as in this video.

[@kimnenninger7226]

How nice to understand this subject when we are dealing with the overturning of Roe versus Wade. No one would ever wish a termination on a a poor child (a living being). What happens when these poor children are born to people who are homeless, drug dependent, or unable to love them? We are looking at a lot of children with issues. I hope that we are able to help the millions of suffering children in the future.

[@alschneider5420]

I think my comments missed the mark. You see, while growing up I thought my life was "normal." So, I agree with much of what Tim says. I see people that love their parents yet do quirky things. For example, a lady I knew seemed to need a constant confirmation she was OK., I think that was a result from treatment by her mother. When the mother disapproved of her daughter's behavior, she would not talk to her. Observations such as this suggested I look at my own situation. Tim presents a myriad of causes that program the scripts that we live our lives by. I think studying these not only helps us understand ourselves but offers insight to the behavior of others. Thank you.

[@cualter]

I was wanted by my mother but not by my father. I discovered this 10 years ago and my father's coldness & indifference towards me all those years suddenly made sense.

[@carlorizzo827]

ThankU! Wow. That opening inventory of varieties of trauma was enough to pitch me into a fugue state. Over the years, I had several close friends who were adopted. Even in the happiest, there was deep pain and identity conflict. IF ONLY YOU KNEW. The hatred & betrayal that can be experienced from bloodline parents and siblings. You would know with absolute certainty that any distinction between birth vs adoptive is way way overrated. One friend described an incident, she was ten, and she yelled at her mother "You're not even my real mother!" and stormed off to her room. Later that mother produced a poem, oh I should have written it down, that began "You are not from my heart, but you are of my heart..." that sweetly gently expressed how that adoptive love can be. Not sure i remember correctly My parents humbled themselves and apologized, became good friends. And who am I to not forgive. Yes, better late than never. But it could not mitigate the deep damage. And i never truly felt safe. Every visit home felt like returning to the scene of an execution. The Arts saved me

[@michelekurlan2580]

Being unwanted has followed me from the womb. In so many ways i have felt impotent as a person. This video covers this matter quite well and yes, I opted out early, maybe halfway thru this video. Its alot to be reminded of and is proof it remains a sensitive issue.

[@emryadora]

My horrible life, explained. Sex trade also has the implication that the mother was probably herself sexually abused. Here’s my sad story: My parents lost a child to drowning two years prior to my birth, my mother was using a diaphram - but wanted a daughter and was going to adopt with help from her parents. She probably removed it and got pregnant with me. My parents had had three boys prior to me - my father describes this time as when his life was perfect. Very misogynistic father. My mother had severe morning sickness throughout her pregnancy with me. We were in a recession, and my father was not working. It’s likely my father wanted her to abort. She became involved in a Christian cult which is probably what saved my life - but I also was abused within the context of that religion. She had a difficult labor - I almost died. Left to fend for myself, I was sexually abused by my father and sibling, and also people who they just left me with. I’ve wanted to die since I was 5. I’m 41 now, it’s only a bit better on some days.

[@dailylifeexperiences560]

A bit better is awesome. It's the little changes, if they are positive that gives us a ray of Hope. A change here, and a change there can turn into something amazing.

[@dailylifeexperiences560]

Celebrate every small victory🎉🎉🎉

[@Lbf5677]

Sorry to hear that, I have wanted to die since I was 13 for different reasons,now 46. Hope there is a way forward for you

[@lulumoon6942]

Mother nearly died with my birth, and was only born as a year before Roe v Wade, late into a complicated grief family during a needed separation. My birth brought a thoroughly toxic family back together. The ramifications of all the details I've shared, and ungiven specifics, reverberate in the family line to this moment. Thank you for this information, it explains much. 🙏

[@user-cv2df5cr8i]

yes. this one is triggering for sure a great variety of complex core trauma on the deepest level: having been a being in a whomp - unwanted . - Can you hear the sound of the pronunciation each letter of your name - later - during your upbringing in severe neglect , then called by your „name“ by the one who gave birth to you? Then and now instantly feeling the disgust anytime anyone calls you by your name? …

[@SheWhoIsWise]

Wow...just smh. Coming from a family that swept everything under the rug thinking it would protect me, I had to learn Emotional Intelligence the brutally hard way. I survived because the Most High wants me to and continually aligns my thoughts & actions exactly where they should be. I am grateful 💫

[@lone_soul5547]

Amen 🙏🏼

[@yourenough3]

I have had any friends since i was 28 and im now 51 and i am a through and through loner. My peace and love is with nature and animals. I am awkward in other peoples eyes but im ok with that now. Its a long journey when youve never been understood nor being loved.

[@Cheliel31]

I understood so late I was an unwanted child... it took me to become an adult and go to therapy to get some help in putting things to places. My mum got pregnant 11 months after giving birth to my brother. And I was an other boy not the baby girl my dad wanted. And my parents were poor. I never thought the complete lack of investment they had in me was their way of processing my birth.

[@punyashloka4946]

Sorry you had to go through that.

[@IMHip2]

My mother told me at a very young age that I was unwanted. My two older sisters would tell me I was adopted and she would laugh hysterically at that. She said I was a very quiet baby, rarely cried. I always kept myself small around her. Obviously there was no connection between us and throughout my teen years she was disgusted with my existence because she was unhappy with my father and expected me to make her life happy. I moved tothe west coast and pretty much went no contact. As she aged she would call me and tell me I needed to move closer to “home”. When she died I felt nothing.

[@websurfer5772]

This is the trip I signed up for according to my natal chart (and my life), but now add off-and-on, disabling, chronic illness and pain. Yes, that's right. That sums up my whole existence this lifetime. What's interesting to me is that I would still rather be me than anyone else I know. What does that tell you about the people in my life? I've also always loved myself and have never hated myself. I've never understood being angry at God. That just does not compute. That's probably one of the main reasons I'd rather be who I am in spite of all my issues and problems. I am also a people pleaser - to a degree.

[@skylinefever]

Well, I think about how some people "get" God and some don't. I think about how reddit is often a collection of athiests who were order to pray and believe and all that. However, it never worked for them. God did not show up to the "God shaped hole" that we are all told we are supposed to have.

[@websurfer5772]

@@skylinefever True. I was agnostic until I started reading near-death experiences (NDE) online in '98. They were the first thing I looked up online as soon as I finally had access to the internet. I started out reading many from Africa actually, although I'm American. One of my main questions I had was _'Is there a God? Let's see what these people have to say about that.'_ and I've continued reading NDEs daily since then. It was about 5 years in that I realized there has to be a God for this many people to be having the experiences they are from all over the world. That's discounting anyone using their NDE to sell a book or a religion. There are thousands of anons writing about their NDEs online and more coming in from all over the world every day. That's what made me a believer, so I really do understand why people may not believe. I've been bedridden this whole time with loads of time on my hands compared to other people., and I really can't do much but I can look stuff like this up.

[@prettypuff1]

Whew the title alone is true for me. As the child who ruined my mom’s plans, I know firsthand what unwanted is. I watched my parents be very involved with my 2 siblings growing up. They did special things with my siblings, like fun trips white water rafting, traveling to visit relatives in other states. My dad and brother bonded over race cars and sports during his teen years. my mom was so involved with my sister, she hand made both of her prom dresses.They even founded a neighborhood activity group mentoring young kids. My older siblings went to college one right after another. As soon as they left, my parents went right back to work full time. That marked the end of my parents full time involvement with me. I was on my own during the years my siblings had active parents. My senior year of high school, I had two roommates not parents. it’s only recently I realized I how unwanted that feels

[@hpygrammy]

You validated the reason I haven’t been able to keep a job. It would start off beautifully, everyone loved me, but I didn’t know what to do with that acceptance and I created a situation over and over and over, with every child I got. It wasn’t until I saw the same mindset in my sister and her work history that it suddenly dawned on me what was happening. Thank you.

[@hpygrammy]

*job (not child)

[@sharedexperiences2773]

We're here for ourselves. We're born alone, and we die alone. The sooner people realize that the happier people will be. And that doesnt mean you have to be selfish just lower your expectations.

[@yukeca6138]

When my mother gave birth to me as a girl my grandmother from dad family had stood my mother ‘s bed in the hospital and had said while kicking my cradle is this what you delivered😢

[@stacielivinthedream8510]

OMG, that's terrible! My heart to yours! ❤️

[@jlieneke7352]

That's infuriating! Grandma was really kicking herself.

[@joyc9323]

That grandmother is a horrible person, you were never the problem

[@margarethelena2009]

OMG I was too disciplined to be drawn completely into self-pity, but everything else... "Sorry for being a burden" - it became like a life principle!

[@joyc9323]

I'm curious if you don't mind me asking, do you mean disciplined or abused? Because I think I didn't have actual life training as a kid and that made me wallow in self pity because I spent a lot of time by myself doing nothing 😮

[@Lacuisinedekorin]

Tim, you truly are God-sent. Bless you and please keep adding more content for those of us who continually struggling🙏

[@dailylifeexperiences560]

Would you consider with me, letting go of the struggle and swim upstream? I don't want to struggle anymore. 🥰

[@Bobby-kp6ln]

After 54 and still the world hasn't shown me different perception. I give the world and people love and care to be unwanted, unloved and isolated. I was told you get what you put into the world, so if so much negatively in directed at you, how do you not feel that its me, when you dont receive the love and security?

[@ceciliebille8501]

Be honest to yourself and only connect with people you like and can relate to. The rest will abuse you nevertheless, because that is what people do if there are not too severe consequences on their behalf. Do not be like jesus. There is a reason he was used, abused, backstabbed, tortured and killed. Be real and stay real. It solves a lot of problems.

[@Bobby-kp6ln]

@ceciliebille8501 thank you

[@skylinefever]

That is because real life usually does not work like a motivational coach says it does.

[@madhuridas4745]

Truly profound and succinct talk here. Very clearly expressed in a short time with no nonsense and no frills. You are Skilled Sir. Thank You for this; yes it's difficult for some of us to hear as it's so relatable

[@noturbo]

i been saying this for ever i am adopted and 1st mother was in a girls home she was 14 when carrying me and was being rapped and bashed in the home amongst other things , my parents told me i cried for the 1st 2 years sure sounds like trauma and then i could tell you my life story which sure has been a crazy ride of trauma from others and also me hurting myself

[@user-gt5yw8pr9j]

Blimey. You ticked all my boxes. I always felt that I never belonged in my family, and you enumerated all my feelings and reasoning about why I didn't fit, and why in later life I decided to be the abandoner. The list is utterly uncanny...that this syndrome fits many more people than just me. Incredible!

[@VivianLimJinggg]

Wow im bleeding now, why all of these make sense to me so much. Thank you for sharing.

[@obliooberon3679]

Yeah man 3in the am and I figure it out one more time I've had re-invented the wheel again ! I'd be really devastated but I've blown myself out of the water so many times before working on the self examination thing , digging into the silences ! Takes 24 yrs plus , I pushed the trauma drama just a little further back and it was going on before and the moment of conception , in utero ,gestation,birth and childhood development, environment and subsequent lifetime lost child ! 66 yrs 10 months I have barely survived . I understand " But for the Grace of God " I've been chasing the pain with purpose ,that's been the only way to find the unconscious stuff ! Only cost me a lifetime ! BIG TIME !🙏

[@Job.Well.Done_01]

Sorry for your troubles in life I hope you find the security you deserve and please keep working on yourself. You are valuable.

[@dailylifeexperiences560]

Truly I can relate, you have me by a few years. Yet and steal the clock to time is ticking. Never ever lose hope. I believe because we do not live in a perfect world, and there are no perfect parents, all of this will work out for your good if you believe that. Believing is only half the battle (the journey), we have to put in the work. 🎉🎉🎉 You can do it! We believe in you.

[@dailylifeexperiences560]

Ps. Working out for our good does not mean it goes the way that we want it to go. It means we learned the lessons that we need to learn in life, we strive towards being better people and not bitter people; and in spite of the odds that were against us, we come out on top. Again, our mindset makes all the difference in the world 🌎.

[@tmt6691]

He said this would trigger some people. It triggered me. Thank you for showing me where to start my journey to healing.

[@HelenCamile63]

Oh. My. Gawd. You hit every single component of my self. I’ve known for many years that my suicidal thoughts are because, from conception, my life has been tenuous and not assured. My single mother considered abortion, adoption, and suicide in the early 1960s. The feelings of anxiety, depression, hopelessness, and fear coursed through her… and me. How could I not be affected my that? How could a developing fetus not be affected by a mother’s misery? I had no idea that researchers were examining this issue but I’m so glad they are. My poor mom! 😢❤ Thank you for this info and I truly hope it helps someone heal. 🕊️ Edit: My mom did her best with what she had. She loved me but it was difficult for her to be a single woman with health issues. I believe she wanted to do the right thing by considering abortion but she came from a very judgmental and catholic background. She couldn’t win.