Bowser's military hierarchy | Unraveled

[@polygon]

UH OH: store.dftba.com/collections/polygon/products/god-has-cursed-me-for-my-hubris-and-my-work-is-never-finished-mug

[@Pigmedog]

finally, we can relate to BDG in mug form as opposed to all other forms

[@blazerheata6479]

O h my g o d

[@soullesstomato1669]

I love that the font is so fancy and calm

[@justsomeoneelse5942]

wot

[@TheDiggity42]

I need this mug.

[@ZanraiKid]

Game Theory: Mario is a sociopath, OMG! BDG: Mario has indelibly violated the Geneva Convention on multiple accounts and should be held accountable for his reign of terror.

[@jacketofdiamonds]

This is why BDG is so much better than Game Theory.

[@abbf26-_-13]

@Emilio Pena mathew pathrew wishes he had half the braincells bdg uses to sneeze

[@nickywalcott1204]

Why not both?

[@mandyberry2500]

@@nickywalcott1204 Exactly! The sociopathy explains why Mario is so willing to commit war crimes lol

[@jacketofdiamonds]

@Emilio Pena I'm just saying that BDG is far more entertaining.

[@funnyvideoguy3216]

I love the implications that goombas can just cheese their way up through the ranks by just stacking on top of each other

[@brunocampopiano7924]

Its actualy weird, they pretty much fuse theyr brains doing that

[@randomperson8375]

"Yeah boss, we're totally a completely new and intelligent creature now that we've stacked on top of each other and formed a miniature hive mind!"

[@ratgobbler]

That’s a good idea. I’ll get me and four of my mates, we buy a comically large trenchcoat, apply for the military, and it’s smooth sailin’s from there.

[@PatrykPonichtera]

The equivalent of 2 kids in a trenchcoat

[@girlrottingpro]

@@ratgobbler thank you for your service Soldier*

[@kemmli]

“God has cursed me for my hubris, and my work is never finished” is such a good line

[@mistertadakichi]

It’s basically the tag line for the entire Unraveled series

[@RJD-kf1xz]

It reminds me of when Arin Hanson dropped the line “flowers are only beautiful because they wither” in an episode of Game Grumps out of fucking nowhere.

[@tomhill3248]

@@RJD-kf1xz But, diamonds and gold are beautiful and they don't wither.

[@oddacity5883]

Tom Hill They’re beautiful because they’re unachievable to us

[@Rogther]

2:27

[@splishsplash4788]

The fact that the dry bones are in the military suggest that after being killed by Mario they enlist to get revenge on the man who killed them

[@masonkay7024]

Now that a real attack of the dead men

[@WWFanatic0]

Or their term of service isn't ended upon death. Besides, we all know Bowser uses conscripts en masse for his army.

[@cephaleaorion4888]

HEAVE HO THEIVES AND BEGGERS, NEEEVVERR SHAALLL WE DIEEE

[@hirschmeistr6842]

@IS-2 Heavy Tank *Wilhelm’s forces on the hunt*

[@spear-throw-legacy]

@@hirschmeistr6842 *There's a thunder in the east*

[@alexdh2001]

imagining brian asking all of his coworkers to join him in a sing along about the pain of war from the perspective of mario characters is the funniest part of this episode

[@toxicfem69]

the best part is you know they were like "yeah, this isn't entirely unexpected, let's do this"

[@miikomakes8083]

"hey so i had an idea"

[@MyChocolateLove]

imagining it as a work email made me cry scream ugly laugh

[@cassun603]

@@MyChocolateLove interoffice memo

[@KevinCow]

It's Polygon. That's probably the most normal thing that happened all day.

[@spinningredchair8092]

Can't wait for the "How long Mario should be in prison based on the number of crimes hes committed" episode

[@thatsnodildo1974]

Mario "I did not know what i was doing i was just told to carry out orders" Mario

[@amneetthedelicioussandwich8921]

It was self defence in many cases, but how much that changes is unsure to me

[@DelphanGruss]

Someone get Legal-Eagle on this.

[@QueenSince]

DelphanGruss yessss 👏🏻👏🏻

[@diego6424]

Well, that's a long list to go - Numerous murder of minors (Koopa Kids and Bowser Jr. to say the least. Let's not count Ma' Goomba and Ma' Blooper kids since they're artillery. Spinies, however, are not counted as minors because there is no official way to confirm Spinies are Lakitu's children): at least a life sentences for each koopaling killed, times 3 for all the games they appeared starring Mario, counting main line games only = 24 life sentences - Even more murder of soldiers in their own work exercise (Toads count as well because , following SMB's lore, they were transformed into bricks) = 105 life sentences to say the least. - Contempt towards the castles in Super Mario World: 3 years * 22 (counting fortresses and castles in the special world as well) = 66 years of imprisonment. - Child labour (almost all his companions in both Paper Mario and TTYD): 3 to 10 years for each companion * 9 Minors between his party members (Vivian doesn't count since she's a ghost) = 27 to 90 years of prison - Animal cruelty (for all the times he dropped Yoshi into a pit): this one would be the lightest, because it would only cost him from 5 to 18 months of prison, but multiplied to all the times that he has done it, we're talking years.

[@samuellasky7771]

can you imagine playing trivia with this guy? you get a section on military or something and he's like "I got this, I read through the entire Geneva conventions once for a video about Mario."

[@g.k684]

Samuel Lasky MVP right there.

[@lollylemur5041]

@RENEE PARK Imagine this guy walks into a restaurant and points out there’s technically an OSHA violation, someone asks why he knows that, and his only answer is “Super Smash Brothers”

[@roaringthunder115]

Lol

[@irmagorbea]

@@lollylemur5041 lmao

[@the_luckiest_charm]

@@lollylemur5041 how tf do you know that? Willie Wonka

[@TT-rl7pu]

The comparison between Bowser’s and the US Military is made even funnier with the fact that Bowser is shown to own an oil company in Mario Kart 8

[@A.S._Trunks]

So THAT'S why he wants to invade the Mushroom Kingdom!

[@Joseph-sq3zu]

Yeah I lost it

[@MrCreed5058]

“Hey mushroom kingdom... that oil of yours needs a little... freedom...”

[@judzuccala5083]

No bowser doesn’t have as many guns but he does have tanks

[@deleted-something]

LMAO

[@NiGHTSIntoMemes]

I'm personally insulted that you think King Boo even thinks about listening to Bowser. Like. He's his own man. What's Bowser gonna do if he ignores him? _Kill him?_

[@leoseling4413]

This is underrated

[@Someloser3232]

This is possibly the best comment on this video

[@inesgeorge2509]

I'm pretty sure they're just allies

[@sleepy_sl0th209]

@@inesgeorge2509 they are allies only because they want to take out the Super Bros, with Luigi stealing King Boo's people and Mario being a war criminal. It's a tense relationship

[@Kei_mei]

Greetings fellow vFlower pfp.

[@WildcardZwei]

2013: Mario is a psychopath. 2019: Mario has committed at least 5 war crimes.

[@Silverwind87]

Don't forget Mario is a communist.

[@theorangeguy6704]

Man matpat sure researches everything and taught me that sibling rivalry is the same as arson or murder

[@tomhill3248]

@@theorangeguy6704 Boy that MatPat sure screws up a lot. Remember when he thought Sans was Ness? I don't even hate the idea but, how did he miss that bone is organic?

[@GroundThing]

​@@Silverwind87 I mean, sure, no one is saying Mario doesn't have some points in his favor, but I feel like him being a war criminal outweighs those good aspects.

[@BoredomBee]

@@GroundThing _*We_ mean _*we_ feel

[@giantsalamander]

"i don't think nintendo would actively create a war criminal" {five minutes later} "mario is a war criminal"

[@mistercleff8819]

Kay “Actively”

[@Silverwind87]

@@giantsalamander We want answers, Miyamoto.

[@zaclegoattack]

They are a Japanese company afterall...

[@dumpsterfire5886]

Child abuser snake

[@RabbiHerschel]

@@zaclegoattack It's only a war crime if you lose. American newspapers at the time reported on United States soldiers taking Japanese skulls as trophies, and there are many firsthand accounts that corroborate this. This behavior was only VERY rarely punished, and to this day there are still efforts to repatriate the remains of Japanese soldiers that were taken as trophies by US servicemen.

[@InsanityVirus]

"... oh my God, they're civilians" That's the level of epiphany a General has in a war movie after he realizes that he's on the wrong side of the war lol

[@brandonisom2974]

Also, for me, the most hilarious part of this video.

[@jmurray1110]

Or the subconscious of anyone on the US drone program

[@dnatwister7t272]

Sweet heart there's no right side of a war.

[@VetyBurr]

@@dnatwister7t272 True, but there is certainly a worse side and a worst side

[@RichConnerGMN]

nice pfp

[@krishibbert4028]

"Why do piranha plant have bone in it?" is such a gem

[@brece5452]

Piranha plants are no longer plants but organisms that evolved to have plant like features to blend in the surrounding environment, apparently. Seriously WHY DO THEY HAVE TOUNGS, NO ONE HAS MENTIONED THIS BEFORE BUT THEY HAVE A FLESHY MASS THAT IS THEIR TOUNGE!

[@Loudoan]

@@brece5452 How else are they gonna menacingly lick their giant luscious lips.

[@aishas.6895]

@@Loudoan oh i did not enjoy reading that

[@brece5452]

I hated reading that, why did you make me read that. That single line was more disturbing than the fact that the mountains and hills in Mario games are technically animals because they can move and have functional eyes.

[@pix_xl]

what the actual frick goes through your minds when you play a mario game, like you see a mario hill and go like "ah enslaved vision" no just..... no...

[@DPadGamer]

The real victim of this series is the printer Brian uses.

[@jayg9283]

DPadGamer you have obviously never worked at a school. Printers are absolutely war criminals

[@ghostification]

@@jayg9283 the one at my school has ptsd i think and it breaks down all the time poor guy

[@memyselfandii257]

it has PTSD

[@harrietr.5073]

agreed

[@cactusguy4363]

Is the song in the background Manhattan beach march?

[@hughcopson1799]

"God has cursed me for my hubris, and my work is never finished" Rest now Brian, your work is finished.

[@2401blue]

When God closes one brand of bullshit, another brand opens. Hopefully the future independent work will be extra fun for Brian.

[@gazelle_diamond9768]

Wait, did something happen?

[@ZijnShayatanica]

@@gazelle_diamond9768 Watch the Pokémon Edibility video, my guy. And grab some tissues.

[@nerdbot2.025]

@@gazelle_diamond9768 he left polygon

[@ashleylightheart126]

*cuts hair unravelly*

[@SamanthaLaurier]

Sun Tzu is this great military strategist, but his advice is basically, "If you think you might lose, try not to do that" and "Consider lying" And it WORKED

[@ladywaffle2210]

That's the thing. The Art of War was written in the style of philosophy, since that was very, uh... for lack of a better word, "trendy" among China's nobles, and since the nobles led the armies, they'd often focus on philosophy instead of military strategy but still think that they were military geniuses. Sun Tzu wrote the Art of War so the generals could propose sacrificing short term objectives for long-term gains and not have those plans immediately shot down because they could quote things like _Sacrifice the Plum Tree to preserve the Peach Tree_ to their lords. That's why all of the stratagems in the Art of War are incredibly basic--they're extremely basic military strategy, dressed up as advanced philosophy.

[@raul-aurelianserban8295]

​@@ladywaffle2210sun tzu, not only a great military strategist but he also understands the psyche of idiots.

[@bringbacktherevolution1064]

Also he wrote his stuff around 500 BC so it’s not like everybody knew “hey flanking is a thing” or whatever

[@arthurdurham]

​@@bringbacktherevolution1064Lest we forget Sun Tzu's often forgotten 14th principal of war "When in doubt, tactical nuke"

[@sheevinopalpatino4782]

​@@bringbacktherevolution1064uh yes they did lmao

[@Tine_of_Nice_Dreams]

The best joke was the timing on breaking into the Navy song and immediately cutting it off

[@liliasusan]

eyepoo 8:34

[@mortimermcmirestinks]

Agrees

[@David-xn9mu]

bdg just simply starting that song recruited me into the navy

[@spacebiker69420]

IN THE NAVE

[@ch1mp081]

Is Davy still in the Navy?

[@asparagussyndrome9430]

"I-a was only-a following-a orders." Mario Mario during the W6-4 Trials before being executed via poison mushroom.

[@harperreese264]

BUT WHO WAS GIVING THE ORDERS?

[@nathanwolf4633]

@@harperreese264 baby mario

[@Bighomie39]

@@harperreese264 Pink Gold Peach

[@elquercu7116]

...galoomba

[@carsondubs]

@@harperreese264 Brian himself

[@michaelpsedo3206]

the delivery of “...so i’m loosely basing it on the us military “ gets me every fucking time

[@crazyfire9470]

Sounds like the set up for an overused joke

[@forrestgump6065]

The us military is loosely based on the French military with elements of English and Apache.

[@vulpes7079]

Eh from the characteristics listed he could have based it on North Korea. This was clearly politicised Still a great video

[@TrueFlameslinger]

​@@vulpes7079 Some of the best jabs are at political or civil topics

[@vulpes7079]

@@TrueFlameslinger cool. That changes nothing

[@thumpertunes73]

the speaking gradually developing into singing and the 'IN THE NAVY' get me every single time i love this so much special mention to 'why do piranha plant have bone in it?' and the deadpan stare before 'so i'm loosely basing this on the us military' and also obligatory mention to 'god has cursed me for my hubris and my work is never finished'

[@mayvalley]

I also love the inclusion of the funny parade

[@sammyuwu820]

Bowser: *looks at peach* Mario: ‘I will make the Geneva conventions in to a fucking checklist if you don’t sto-‘

[@ilpuntodigf]

I love this so much

[@clove2440]

this is a fucking gem ahahahaha

[@AAZ-yu5ss]

Ok but to be completely fair with Mario he lives in a world where reviving yourself is as easy as taking a jog and finding random green mushrooms. I’m sure the Koopa Troop has a large plethora of 1 ups to revive their stomped on soldiers. (I mean, it’s probably the reason Bowser isn’t dead yet, with his constant lava bath’s)

[@TheGameChallenger]

Best comment lol, wish some sort of awards existed on youtube.

[@diegorincon4673]

I beginning to think peach goes willingly. There’s no way she gets kidnapped that many times.

[@ababilpatel6412]

Polygon hiring this man was a freaking homerun he is a bloody comedy genius

[@moffee4361]

They honestly struck gold

[@r.carter3152]

He one of the only good parts of polygon

[@naufalap]

I only visit this channel for his videos

[@memequeen7757]

i think he is an asset to the team, don’t you, sir?

[@hickorymccay2994]

I really want BDG to appear on my show. If I ever review Willy Wonka, he will cameo. I will go to the ends of the earth to get him to cameo.

[@EposVox]

Was not expecting that ending holy shit

[@oomar4597]

that really took me of guard

[@gagecosgrove5514]

Yes

[@JordanGold5227]

I'm looking forward to Brian's next album.

[@jazzman616]

@@JordanGold5227 his band is "The Altogether". They released a full album about two months back, and they have a couple LPs. Look them up on Bandcamp or Spotify.

[@HovektheArtist]

Seriously

[@johnballard3403]

I wouldn't say the Goomba are even soldiers. They're cannonically former citizens of the Mushroom Kingdom who willingly went to Bowser to escape mistreatment from the Toads.

[@Deepest_Dish_Daddy]

On top of the fact that their voices are annoying as hell, the Toads are FASCISTS??

[@quirkyqwertyto1055]

Wait how did you get this info

[@johnballard3403]

@@quirkyqwertyto1055 Apparently it's part of the instruction booklet for the first game.

[@mrsneedy1034]

So you’re telling me the toads forced the koopas to leave. ARE THE TOADS RACIST AGAINST KOOPAS

[@quirkyqwertyto1055]

@@johnballard3403 i just read the wiki, and it says that the goombas were the traitors, not the toads. Although i won't act confident untill i see something about it in the movie or manual itself

[@kanalet8460]

"When I die will I become Dry Brian? Is a living Bowser 'Wet Bowser?' Why do Piranha Plant have bone in it?" one of my favorite quotes of anything ever

[@Rottypops]

@8:24 For you

[@zosasho8036]

@@a.f.g.o.o.e.a5806 stop

[@BobThePenguin.]

Refer to him as "Wet Bowser" again and i will turn the geneva convention into a bucket list

[@superduperlayne977]

@@BobThePenguin. wet bowser

[@silverdandylmao]

@@superduperlayne977 oh no!

[@connorking8503]

"Steal their hats" -- Sun Tzu

[@Dipstikk]

SUN TSU SAID THAT! AND I'D SAY HE KNOWS A LITTLE MORE ABOUT FIGHTING THAN YOU DO, PAL, BECAUSE HE INVENTED IT!

[@wooby4104]

@@Dipstikk he invented the art of hat theft?

[@HispanicMan]

@@wooby4104 TF2 bruv

[@wooby4104]

@@HispanicMan oh, I apologize, I'm a normie :(

[@pink1200]

@@Dipstikk AND THEN HER PERFECTED IT, SO NO MAN COULD BEST HIM IN THE RING OF HONOR

[@lv.2073]

13:27 “Mario has committed at least 5 war crimes” is a sentence I desperately needed to hear but never knew it

[@jamie_bear475]

Hi. I really like this comment and would like to like it. But it's currently at 666 likes and I thinks that's pretty neat

[@poniz2471]

He's also used as incendiary weapons in civilian areas.

[@asparagusnoodle]

Fiona TheDog you're safe now

[@jamie_bear475]

@@asparagusnoodle thank you good sir

[@rattyeely]

This is one of the standout episodes of Unraveled. The interplay between funny Mario names and real breakdowns of military corruption is hilarious, and then it ends with "We are the Toads", one of the highlights of Polygon as a whole.

[@michelveilleux2075]

​@LoafOf Milk he did say Loosely basing

[@RowinMarkov]

Unblinkingly staring into camera "So im loosly basing this of the united states military."

[@RowanB6]

That and the placement of an employee-owned business as the best boss in Dark Souls has convinced me that BDG has committed himself to lowkey leftist propaganda, and I couldn't be more excited.

[@taakotuesdays]

Rowan B oh he definitely has

[@code8825]

Stop 👏United 👏States 👏imperialism. 👏

[@dim-flower]

Code ah come on I need to get paid

[@Godnando00]

this line alone made me subscrive and like the video

[@justaduck3615]

“Oh my god, they’re civilians.” Sounds like it would be from a dark wartime movie.

[@AbsolXGuardian]

Scout: Sir, the soldiers we just ordered and airstrike on- Protagonist: Yes? Scout: It's just, they're acting weird. Like they aren't all carrying weapons. And they have children with them. Really, they're just picking over the corpses. Protagonist: That sounds more like civilians than soldiers. Are you sure? Scout: Yes, sir! Protagonist: Oh my god, they're civilians.

[@kevinambler4931]

Reminds me of Spec Ops: The Line and dropping white phosphorus on civilians

[@theweakestbrazilianmale3398]

M U L A N

[@koala2075]

As a representative of the Arma 3 community. Its only a warcrime when you can hear the screaming over the anthem.

[@johnnydracaena6052]

That actually is word-for-word a line from Homestuck

[@show-me-orion]

Pat’s disembodied laughter is my favorite recurring bit in this series.

[@bepeplia5086]

Pat is my favorite waifu in this anime

[@kingofallfrogs]

@@bepeplia5086 no

[@The-Silliest-Little-Guy]

@@kingofallfrogs *yes*

[@jstar3382]

It's not a bit, it's just genuine laughter

[@show-me-orion]

@@jstar3382 it’s very genuine, but keeping it in the edit is a choice and it’s a choice I love.

[@emoore29681]

It's been 4 years and We Are The Toads still goes way harder than it should

[@Dlúith]

Just the “they’re civilians” is full of so much horror it could be in a movie

[@rainbowlemniscate2761]

"Honestly, they act more like civilians"...*abject revulsion slowly seeping in*

[@SoulCore413]

@@rainbowlemniscate2761 “Oh my God, they’re civilians…”

[@cartridgeinside]

Bowser's new hierarchy: - Bowser himself - The rest of Nintendo of America

[@Zack-ds9rs]

Underrated comment

[@gstar3802]

BOI 👋

[@wtf_is_this_handle_shit]

Yep

[@Silverwind87]

Goodbye Reggie, and thank you for everything.

[@silvercipher6797]

This made me laugh more than it should have.

[@mato250]

8:15 "Will i become dry brian when I die?" "Is living bowser, wet bowser?" "Why do pirahna plant have bone in it?"

boneless piranha plant

[@maj_maas]

@ If it's alive it'll just flop around, if it's dead it's just a pot with dirt and some dead leaves.

[@IrvingIV]

Rehydrated ganon.

[@sailplanepilot1562]

I freaking died laughing out loud when he said that

[@shootingstar4468]

@@IrvingIV *remember to stay hydrated*

[@MeonLights]

I am revisiting this video (as so often) and the line about "I don't think Nintendo would create a war criminal" coming back full circle is just poetry.

[@calamaribowl8683]

Elaborate

[@MeonLights]

@@calamaribowl8683 he uses the line as a set up and pays it off with "Mario is a war criminal"

[@Codarius]

Mario: "Geneva Conventions? More like Geneva Suggestions."

[@revilno]

Oho NOOOO

[@solitar_e5675]

Geneva Bucket List

[@Mouseybea]

"Raised in Mushroom Kingdom, Italy during an era when the Geneva Convention had been downgraded to an optional Geneva Suggestion"

[@nobodyimportant2858]

@@Mouseybea great reference

[@shadophaxx2401]

The code is more what you’d call guidelines than actual rules

[@midknight1339]

"Steal their hats" - Sun Tzu, The Art of War

[@Mothmaninist]

My favorite quote from that after ‘do them dirty in front of they dad’

[@Ric_Vicious]

@@Mothmaninist Lol came here to say this! "Do em dirty in front of they dad". - Sun Tzu, probably

[@incorporealnuance]

"Sun Tzu said that." - Soldier, Team Fortress 2

[@Sleepy_Cabbage]

@@Mothmaninist "do the dad dirty infront of them" - sun tzu

[@JiMwB]

I think techno said quoted that during the potatoes wars.

[@gramps3351]

“Yoshi made burt the bashful’s pants fall down” “But *_baby mario gave the order”_* “HE ALREADY FEELS *_BASHFUL”_* ”YOU DIDN’T NEED TO _P A N T S_ THE MAN”

[@cianpatrickcornel114]

GRAMPS this feels very personal for some reason to brian

[@Ass-eater-h3y]

@@cianpatrickcornel114 you remember Terry? BDG has been bullied before

[@Seamasss]

Yep that's what he said

[@haikarawalker6996]

“I don’t think Nintendo would actively create a war criminal and then put him in a go-kart with a baby. “ This is top-tier forshadowing

[@scdolence]

"Unfortunately, I couldn't find any real life examples of this" "So I'm loosely basing it on the US Military" I WAS DRINKING WHEN YOU SAID THAT JESUS CHRIS

[@thatonepersonyouwontremember]

Ah yes, my boi, Jesus Chris

[@nix.i]

jesus cris has risen

[@Diana-tx2iz]

Juicy crust

[@Silverwind87]

No wonder he always be sipping tea.

[@steveriga685]

Merry Chrismas

[@victorsimmons6769]

"...Not only that, but he has this tender leadership quality that makes him not only respected, but loved by his peers..." *"...and then above him is a fucking T-Rex"*

[@Master13illy]

As it should be in all military hierarchies

[@memerman9268]

Is this not normal? What country do you live in?

[@chaihill1837]

@@memerman9268 Apparently, a country without Dinosaurs.

[@memerman9268]

@@chaihill1837 there are countries without dinosaurs? Strange.

[@fanboy3376]

Because it’s a mother fucking T-Rex.

[@justinmontana3710]

I don't remember who said it, but someone once said that Brian is like "the second coming of Griffin Mcelroy, even though we're still in the middle of the first coming of Griffiin McElroy, which is the most Griffin McElroy part of it all" and that feels appropriate

[@Cosmoandtherobins]

I feel the same way.

[@wwren]

Brian David Gilbert is the first and only coming of Brian David Gilbert. I don't think they can be compared.

[@Blewlongmun]

​@@wwren Their humor is pretty different yes but it's undeniable that both of them produced(ed) the best series on this channel. (debatably the only good ones at all)

[@cah137-y4s]

Oh hey, I was the person who said that! Thanks!!

[@0Fyrebrand0]

I sort of think of him as the Tim Rogers of Polygon.

[@Reksrat]

I love that the Marshal for each division is just a regular ass animal

[@karicrouse2931]

Ever heard of gorilla warfare😅

[@Reksrat]

@@karicrouse2931 Where a bunch of monkeys fight? Can't say I have. Definitely heard of guerilla warfare though

[@ahobbit1273]

@@Reksratpretty sure that was the joke they were making, dude

[@Reksrat]

@@ahobbit1273 I'm aware

[@BlackEthe]

Notice all 3 came from Mario64 jajaja

[@ravenforshee1046]

I'm not gonna lie, I returned to this video to double-check how the US naval ranking system works instead of checking an official source because I trust Brian to have done his research

[@TheGreaterDane]

an offical source is probably bogged down with ads to enlist and dense military jargon. But here? you get to learnkEAT"INIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG

[@FriggenGrotRock]

@@TheGreaterDane oh my god, they died without finishing their sentence

[@phz7107]

Wow

[@deodate2995]

@@TheGreaterDane poor thing. walked straight into the electric fence

[@TheGreaterDane]

@@FriggenGrotRock Going to be completely honest, I do not fully remember leaving this comment

[@jammiedodgers13]

'.........oh my god, they're civilians.'

[@insolubletoaster8133]

I honestly thought he said, "there're civilians," and had hunkered myself down for him to rip everything up and start over.

[@BigBoyMemeZone]

"And they were civilians..."

[@Vectorbro]

Nah man it clearly states that civilians are to have their collision damage set false so they end up less likely confused with soldiers and that civilians should not be able to obtain collision damage as it puts many other civilians in danger

[@blackmould]

It seems like a dark version of “oh my god, they were roommates” vine

[@cascharles3838]

I really hate that he can sing He’s too powerful

[@Cosmoandtherobins]

wut

[@lichqueenmorri]

it's true he's too perfect

[@VivianLynn8]

if you like his singing, look up "the altogether", the band he sings in also, "let's make a music", a comedy podcast where he also sings

[@cryojester]

He truly is a god among men.

[@cascharles3838]

@@VivianLynn8 you're a lifesaver omg

[@sketchy1494]

"And by harms way I mean in front of Mario" is still one of my favorite quotes ever

[@chriskrentz2300]

Hiring BDG was the best move Polygon has made. This was a masterpiece.

[@thisisapictureofmydog.isnt9208]

Chris Krentz he is a masterpiece

[@Tothro]

They said being an english major doesn't pay.

[@diehounderdoggenalt]

"God has cursed me for my hubris and my work is never finished." Holy lore, Batman!

[@kibberkobber]

this implies that polygon is a god and a spiteful (and possibly ancient greek) god at that

[@thecynth3820]

[ Koby ] Nah, it’s sonny the hedgehog

[@hugho1573]

He also sold his soul to a demon to know when he dies, kzbin.info/www/bejne/sGalkHuId6mqrMk

[@katthedog521]

“Is a living Bowser a wet Bowser?” Cereal when haves milk

[@Silverwind87]

NOW I get it!

[@aydenmcmillen7782]

fuckin carson lmao

[@lorlok623]

It is hydrated or moisturized Bowser lol

[@Silverwind87]

@@lorlok623 Reptiles are already pretty dry.

[@notyourdaughter666]

IVE BEEN WAITING TO FIND THIS COMMENT

[@franktavarez6765]

It’s funny cause based off of nintendo’s official narrative, the blocks are actually cursed denizens of toadstool realm or something, so the “destroying property for financial gain” actually counts as double war crime cause it’s killing civilians

[@Blizardstar1200]

I feel like the name of “Koopa Troopa” does imply that they are in fact soldiers in Bowser’s military, unless of course that name did not originate from within Bowser’s ranks, and instead is a name given to them as Mushroom Kingdom propaganda so that Mario’s killing of any Koopa is seen as justified in defense of the mushroom kingdom, as all Koopas are Troopas

[@jacemonster5]

oh no.. ITS NOT JUST MARIO ITS THE WHOLW H*CCIN' KINGDOME

[@churchofgodusopp765]

I knew the mushroom kingdom was corrupt. They spread their lies anywhere they can, much like spores

[@alepenagorbe9135]

Koopa troopa beams are gonna blind me

[@abraham2172]

Theyre soldiers, but incompetent ones.

[@nyetloki]

Fantastical racism as a military tactic by Princess Peach and her 7 fathers? I believe it

[@supercalifragilisticexpial1936]

I seriously can't hear "Why do piranha plant have bone in it." Without dying

[@maddenedjester1017]

...how did you type this? ARE YOU A GHOST!?

[@alexbaer455]

It sounds like a line from griffin mcelroy

[@JamesCPotter13]

Maddened Jester no, now they're _Dry_ Supercalifragilisticepialadocious.

[@SerPinkKnight]

F

[@eliolney8070]

I cannot imagine the conversation he had to have with his coworkers "Hey so i need all of you to sing this song in a small crowd while i do main vocals and you cannot say no. Follow me." "...what?"

[@strbourne]

Knowing them it was probably Jenna's idea and they were all super down

[@runawaygemm5397]

“We are the World” actually bangs in this situation honestly

[@vizthex]

ikr, lmao

[@robbiegarber898]

Watching this the seventh time and seeing all the beautiful pieces of foreshadowing: "And by harm's way, I mean in front of Mario" "I don't think Nintendo would actively create a war criminal and then allow him to sit in the back seat of a go-cart with a baby" Just, **chef's kiss**

[@dianacollier7851]

There are... so many quotable moments. My faves are probably: "They come to me in my dreams, like a prophet receiving visions from an angry god." "Because God has cursed me for my hubris, and my work is never finished." "Is there an analogous military that is somewhat bloated, often antagonistic, and seems to be the only thing the leadership cares about funding? Unfortunately, I couldn't find any real-life examples of this.... [blank stare] So I'm loosely basing this on the U.S. military." "His father took a bullet for Bowser back in the Korean War, so now he's a general." "Because not even death can excuse you from service in Bowser's army." "Why do Pirhana Plant have bone in it?" "You might remember him as that helpful guy who picks you up in Mario Kart, but he actually got his start in carpet bombing." "Despite what he's written in his memoirs, he's never been in active duty and is a valor-stealing bastard." "Oh my god, they're civilians." "Mario has committed at least 5 war crimes."

[@kyiore]

"Get fucked, Mr. X."

[@mo482]

LOOK AT THIS GALOOMBA

[@keelix1825]

Dont forget "ITS THE FUNNY PARADE!"

[@120Bigman]

I love this.

[@Liz-rp9rr]

"When I die, will I become Dry Brian?"

[@NinjaPickle]

"Yoshi made Burt the Basful's pants fall down, but Baby Mario gave the order" is both the funniest and most shocking line in the entire video

[@st0lf]

"You didn't have to pants the man!"

[@diegorincon4673]

Shockingly, this mirrors when the Otto Skorzeny forced the Hungarian military to humiliate civilians for “defeatism” by publicly killing them with their heads shaved and vulgar signs on their chests.

[@Garykem8]

He was already feeling bashful

[@moronichybrid]

I can just imagine Baby Mario all of the sudden talking like Palpatine as he orders Yoshi: "Pull his pants down. Do it now."

[@masonkay7024]

How would he he’s a baby

[@raiknightshade3442]

That deadpan look at the camera before saying the US Military killed me

[@sidereumcantor1525]

Brian, we suck. It's Polygon. You can just say it.

[@geoffbarker8402]

As a veteran, I was already crying laughing before he said it.

[@combativeThinker]

I wouldn't call it overly-aggressive. I'd also say its spending is justified, considering what it has to compete with (China, Russia, North Korea) and what's at stake if it fails.

[@raiknightshade3442]

@@combativeThinker oh I absolutely would considering our military has destabilized at least 10 different countries across the middle East and central and south America, spends billions of dollars on jets that don't even work, and positions itself as the "sole good superpower" or whatever despite most of Europe, Canada, etc being able to effectively fall into that role. Like. It can't all just be on us here, and if we'd pull our heads out of our asses and let other countries do some of the work maybe our general infrastructure wouldn't be so shitty because we'd allocate more funds to it. (Like have you seen the breakdown of the national budget lately? Defense takes up upwards of HALF which is. Insane.)

[@artstsym]

Common misconception that Bowser understands that stealing hats is the most effective form of warfare. In fact, like many militaries, it's just one of many projects he's throwing at the wall to see what sticks, but due to the restart button he will never learn that's the achilles heel of our portly plumber. Should he ever figure this out, Mario games will become a living hell.

[@MrEmiliojack]

“Now I need to figure out how to structure this hierarchy. I asked myself, is there an analogous military that is somewhat bloated, often antagonistic, and seems to be the only thing that the leadership cares about funding? Unfortunately, I couldn’t find any real life examples of this.” (Brian pauses.) “So I’m loosely basing it on the US military.“ This is probably the best quote of unraveled and also the one that almost kill me laughing

[@mikaroni_and_cheez]

It's also... to be purposefully vague.... A bit real

[@RaylaEclipse]

Funny AND true

[@poprocks6576]

dang that's sad

[@its_raben]

3:00

[@astropocalypse]

I know the whole punchline of the joke was the US part, but it describes the Israeli military all too well

[@JelloApocalypse]

So light a candle for the goombas Who were crushed beneath your feet Say a prayer for all the octoroks That were sliced into mincemeat Give a shout-out to the keese you killed Just to open that locked door... 'Cause no one thinks about the minions anymore. -- Ode to Minions

[@WetSaucySlommy]

Hey yeah "Ode to Minions" is the worst title because it reminds me of Despicable Me and the soon to be pentology

[@yaboigabe7254]

Don't you have to go "Vote" or something jello? 🙃🙃

[@edrynspooks]

avocado soup

[@ok-yv9dd]

Oh, is everybody rewatching these?

[@starling1742]

Thats beautiful

[@ancientalienss]

came for bowser's military hierarchy left learning that mario is a war criminal

[@Treeskrub]

The algorithm recommending me this after Bowser’s Death Battle with Eggman is so funny

[@disappointed2764]

The library of Alexandrea may have been burned down but it has been reborn in the mind of Brian David Gilbert

[@vr8652]

*Babylon

[@rowanlastname7868]

@@vr8652 I'm fairly certain they did mean Alexandria and not Babylon but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[@moonlight_victory]

@@vr8652 If you're referencing the short story of Jorge Luis Borges and it's philosophical implications, then I wholeheartedly approve

[@elenaj6283]

+

[@vr8652]

@@moonlight_victory yes, it was that and how the supposed library had all the possible text combination in existence

[@velocivoid7974]

“And Bowser’s fursonas, because those should never be exposed to the horrors of war.”

[@noahmay7708]

War should never be exposed to the horrors of it.

[@imbillyjeab6764]

That should be a war crime itself

[@viktorexists6948]

They ARE the horrors or war

[@Lemuel928]

Fury Bowser is acceptable..He’s flipping larger.

[@ssneakyandfriends1626]

@@Lemuel928 and also not cat.

[@jonahkuhl7016]

“Mario is a war criminal” *Game Theory has entered the server*

[@RennietheRobit]

They called his bluff, guys. Mario's a criminal. Time to bring in the backup *calls MatPat*

[@stravensongorglyforgly3427]

MatPat: "yo bro quit stealing muh theories"

[@bhelton3484]

My Gospel Churchj Hell g

[@purplesam2609]

Polygon: *makes funny joke from the conclusion of the video* GT: *takes joke out of context and tries to reverse engineer it into a theory*

[@cheesewizard3965]

Oh that’s nothing; Neopets once violated the Geneva Convention

[@sunettas9738]

All of the Unraveled episodes are good, but I've never realized how especially funny this one is

[@ShaggyGray-gc2wd]

I could visualize a New Yorker looking at their friend and going; “Aahhhhhaha, look at this GALOOMBA!!!”

[@fern5505]

Here it is 4:22

[@HazelSolitaire]

It's canon that the bricks were actually civilians before being magicked into structures by Bowser's henchmen. Mario's not just commited war crimes. He's commited literal genocide.

[@CalamitasCalliope]

Actually according to the guide in the first Mario game only the question mark blocks were toads before Bowser magicked them up. That's why they give coins and power ups when you hit them. Hitting them rescues the Toads and they thank you with coins and mushrooms and stuff

[@choerm]

Jane is correct. There was a mistranslation for the term brick in the manual. Specifically, the question blocks are transformed citizens. Source: www.mariowiki.com/%3F_Block

[@Silverwind87]

Don't forget the power-ups, which could maybe count as chemical warfare.

[@Vigriff]

@@hebxhn1203 I'm leaning towards "Bowser sees Mario as an equal" considering what he said in the Galaxy games.

[@cloakdagger4711]

I think the magic koopa the one with the wizard clothing is the one that changed the citizens into blocks.

[@calvenhebs]

Where's the pdf., Brian? *Where is the pdf.*

[@NoteBard]

I just love how BDG is talking about Mario's various war crimes while Snow Spike is in the background just chillin

[@kara2125]

how did he actually manage to make the 'mario war crimes' section so intense like it actually made me stressed he's such a good actor

[@garobinify]

Who knew that BDG had the most soulful, beautiful, angelic singing voice I’ve ever heard

[@arnautovvvvvv]

He's actually in a band, or at least he used to be. Look up The Altogether, they have some gorgeous music

[@user-ym7rp9qb8d]

69 likes

[@noahnishimura2967]

He did a song with Louie Zong

[@ripleyanactualghost5864]

theres also a podcast he used to do called Lets Make A Music, the songs are amazing

[@genuineinterest]

THE ALTOGETHER IS GONNA PUT OUT NEW MUSIC SOON TOO

[@anxietyprimev6983]

This guy specifically gives off a very wise yet chaotic energy and I am very intimidated by it.

[@rolandcaters7258]

His alignment is definitely chaotic lawful

[@MV96_]

Roland Caters But…that’s not part of the alignment chart…XD Maybe you meant chaotic neutral? XD

[@rolandcaters7258]

MV96 no. He has a strict moral code, but nobody can figure out what the hell it is

[@MV96_]

Roland Caters LOL! XD

[@Kane-BOT]

3:20 that was beautifully done

[@tomchaney6085]

The fact that Koopa Troopers and civilian Koopas are visually indistinguishable raises the further issue that Bowser's forces wear no identifying uniform, which I seem to remember is also a war crime. Also I'd always assumed that King Boo was...well, a king, perhaps allied to Bowser, but certainly not serving under him.

[@yosayoran1]

He could be a vassal king, there are many examples in history

[@Sora-dragneel]

does patriotic civilian count as war crime?

[@sugarqbs]

@@Sora-dragneel YES.

[@Hero_of_Storms]

I know we're not counting RPGs, but if we were, Bowser does provide Koopa Troopas uniforms- they wear sunglasses, and everyone knows that makes them identifiable as troops.

[@GeneralGud]

@@Sora-dragneel It doesn't as civilians are not legal combattants therefore they are not considered to be taking part in the war, i.e. can't commit war crime. Whatever civilians do is subject to normal law. Civilians who do unlawful acts to contribute to fighting off an invading force will probably be pardoned by their state, but if they are captured, or find themselves in occupied territory, they might be jailed for whatever unlawful act they committed.

[@kylynch198]

Dont be silly! You're not wet Brian ... Your skeleton is.

[@det.halligan]

This made me laugh but also feel equally uncomfortable.

[@malaizze]

_Brian is a soggy little boy. His bones are damp and moist._

[@MinecraftLover58]

@@malaizze thanks! I will have nightmares of soggy skeletons tonight!

[@catriziacat1756]

Humans are a real squishy

[@lionsmith3944]

What have you just bought upon this cursed land

[@katebushphotocard4505]

it wouldn't be a great episode of unraveled without pat yell-laughing off camera

[@elenaj6283]

+

[@clare2649]

+

[@anahiggins1633]

The discussion of war crimes and specifically targeting civilians hits different in March 2024.

[@GlitchyPSI]

"Oh my god, they're civilians" I came to the same conclusion seconds after you said that line and I just stared as blankfaced as you

[@writerofsorts8668]

“why do piranha plant have bone in it?” killed me lmao

[@Florakoko]

SAME LMFAOOOOO

[@xan8636]

weird thing is i think its a grammatically correct statement, correct me if im wrong

[@kennybrightwell1877]

It turned me into a dry version of myself.

[@ascii_9727]

@@xan8636 it kind of isn't, it would be grammatically correct if it was either "why does piranha plant have bone in it" or "why do piranha plant have bone in them"

[@kingbeerz7978]

Wet Brian is very amusing

[@FrederickLeland]

"He already feels bashful, you didn't need to pants the man" Best quote of the decade.

[@technoisthegoat223]

This is my favorite video of KZbin. Thank you for your hubris and never being able to finish your work.

[@twistysunshine]

I wonder if Brian goes around in his daily life citing OSHA violations and Geneva conventions now. They're just sitting there in his head

[@jellykracken4229]

Twisty Sunshine I can see him seeing a some what crooked chair or table and he begins, “this is a clear OSHA violation under article 6,, section 9, subsection 4, paragraph 2, line 20, that all ... etc etc”. Then his co workers stare at each for a few seconds then go back to work like it’s a normal Tuesday.

[@wow42022]

Jelly Kracken Now that was a good video

[@KuraIthys]

@@jellykracken4229 For some reason this brings to mind Red Dwarf... 'No employee shall be seen wearing red socks on the 3rd tuesday of October?' 'No! I mean Paragraph 3, obviously' 'I fail to see how ham sandwiches are relevant to this situation' 'No. NO. Section 8!' 'No-one shall tease a hamster on a public highway?' 'You know what? Forget it.'

[@Hatmis]

I've already watched this video a couple times now, and I noticed something with the "stealing hats" strategy While it could be argued that stealing hats was just a funny element in the game and that Brian is just joking about it, I can't help but think that in the most recent military equipment, if we don't count the kevlar vest, the helmet is the only remaining piece of armour a soldier carries around, since it can protect said soldier from indirect injuries such as grenades or razing bullets. And even if we go back further, helmets are one of the most ancient ways to defend yourself when you're a soldier, being used as far as Antiquity, like the Spartans who used it as a strong symbol. I mean, it protects your head, with your brain in it, and you need your brain most of the time. If we push beyond that, in a world where most ennemies are eliminated by jumping on them, we can imagine that wearing helmets is a great protective measure. In fact, there is multiple ennemies in the different games that wear helmets just to delay their death. By that logic, if we consider that helmets and hats are very close, and can both be stolen by Ukiki and Klepto, that means that, more than just a funny joke to toss around, like "Ahah, stealing hat is the only strategy of the bowser army, how goofy", You can solemnly say that "Stealing hats *IS* a great strategy"

[@jfp0763]

Harvard level

[@Silverwind87]

So basically, the enemies think Mario's hat is a helmet?

[@Frog-ux5qu]

You *_WILL_* give me that HAT!

[@Silverwind87]

@@Frog-ux5qu That sounds like something the Soldier from Team Fortress 2 would say.

[@Frog-ux5qu]

that *is* something tf2 soldier says.

[@gordier6787]

I feel like the “funny parade” (10:26) would be more homeland security because they don’t move much and mostly just protect things

[@gallon10]

But they are funny

[@rattle_me_bones]

@@gallon10 They are indeed funny

[@SoulCore413]

@@rattle_me_bones They are absolutely jolly.

[@supreme_king_obama1158]

@@SoulCore413 they are silly little goobers.

[@landonadams9935]

@@supreme_king_obama1158 positively wacky

[@spudsbuchlaw]

After watching the .Mario Movie trailer, I came here to say: Bowser has stopped being a "ha ha, steal princess" and now is "Oh god, this guys taking over the world, I hope he compensates his soldier"

[@thecagedsong]

As someone who spent my summer internship analyzing the Rome Statute, this was hilarious. The crimes are all meant to apply to States though, you have to be a government to be party to the geneva convention, and are specifically directed at things only States can do. They never counted on Mario. So, officially, it is actually Peach, as the head of State, who would be held accountable before the ICC

[@spookynerd_jpg4223]

You would think that, but you can see that peach has no authority over mario in his many campaigns, meaning he essentially operates solo. He would be held responsible for every crime he commits.

[@365dayslater9]

@@spookynerd_jpg4223 Would that make Mario a vigilante? Or a militia of some sort since he isn't the only one stopping Bowser in some of these.

[@madisonpelletier8281]

We've seen individual commanders and lower-level actors prosecuted before, so not necessarily. Mario, himself, is hardly a rank-and-file soldier and a kidnapped Peach probably did not order him to execute each of the crimes committed, particularly given their sporadic nature. At the very least they could be charged as co-perpetrators.

[@jonathonrodriguezthomas6457]

good more bodies for the firing squad

[@gido9467]

I would just count Mario as a military force at this point. He’s defeated Bowser’s entire kingdom more or less on his own multiple times.

[@chartem5383]

The "those should never be exposed to the horror's of war" about Bowser's fursona has the same energy as the "Gays Too Precious to Serve in Military" video by The Onion.

[@RabbiHerschel]

Sodom delenda est!

[@glasscardproductions4736]

@@RabbiHerschel Invidia Delenda Est, Γαμημένη μαμά.

[@jacobgilbert3483]

@@RabbiHerschel get a life

[@danielnasby7695]

Go away dumbass

[@drpibisback7680]

​@@RabbiHerschel Isn't the whole thing in the Bible that Sodom was already destroyed? God already took care of that one, we’re good! Alternatively, why should we destroy Sodom the German thrash metal band? They've written so many great riffs!

[@emperorpicard7222]

But does Mario commit these atrocities in an official capacity for the Mushroom Kingdom or is he a mere vigilante acting for their benefit.

[@TurinTurambar200]

Is it not the lore of the original Super Mario Bros. that the civilians of the Mushroom Kingdom were turned into the blocks that Mario destroys? That would mean that the coins are more the souls of living beings Mario is sucking up. (This also explains why Mario gains extra lives when he surpasses certain coin thresh holds). So Mario is not an agent of the Mushroom Kingdom, sanctioned or otherwise. He's a non-politically aligned necromancer.

[@seanfields2576]

He's essentially the prince, since he's been in a relationship with the princess for decades. Officially or not, he has influence he has used for war crimes and he should be held accountable

[@merchant271]

@@seanfields2576 so he’s basically the Corvo Attano of the mushroom kingdom

[@cescobb4647]

@@seanfields2576 But then, is he accountable for the Yoshi's Island one? He wasn't even registered at the registry office

[@timothyharlin5658]

Make no mistake, Mario is warlord.

[@rexcelsior5415]

The Funny Parade actually works perfectly for the Thwomp’s brigade, seeing as the name will make anyone who hears about them think they’re chumps, only to be flattened into red sludge by a vicious brick with a face.

[@miffybun2491]

I have a feeling that this video was made just so Brian can call mario a war criminal

[@leonblum816]

It was made so he can force his coworkers to sing

[@unifrenchie9695]

I have a feeling this was made for many more reasons

[@worm.7767]

I find it hard to believe this man exists outside this dark void covered in paper and string

[@lazarus9165]

He's escaped the void.

[@mech5562]

he watches birds sometimes

[@throwachair4574]

another unraveled, another comment about Which of the 800+ pokemon would be tastiest because there's very clearly hamburgers and stuff canonically

[@ZaneBababababab]

miltank

[@funkdungus839]

mr mime

[@pallasproserpina4118]

Please

[@TheTamally]

This

[@xeno4445]

lickytung

[@JC_Hope]

Anyone else here after watching the sick Death Battle between Bowser and Eggman?

[@MichaelDavidWiller]

"...but he got his start in carpet bombing" nearly killed me

[@kidneyluke]

Can you do a video on the sociological and criminological factors behind Splatoon's turf wars? Inkopolis' youth culture is unique in the fact that crime and territorial conflict is widespread and unquestioned, despite the apparent lack of any of the main factors such as low socioeconomic status or political tension? What is driving our squid children to a life of crime?

[@mv6761]

it sport

[@ragnarokex2303]

One might say my good sire "Tis a whole lot of gang shat" as the youngins say~!

[@pedrogomezid]

turf wars are a sport derived from war

[@JuiceBoxWizard]

We can dismiss the multiplayer mode as "it's sport, no one's in any real danger" but what of the oft ignored single player mode?

[@Dragoryu3000]

We've got the answer right here: aaronthesnob.tumblr.com/post/180472835149/super-smash-bros-ultimate-snake-codecs-inkling

[@MagicFlyingMan]

Brian's niche yet extensive knowledge of video games is attractive

[@Purbinder03]

MagicFlyingMan Brian is attractive, period.

[@MagicFlyingMan]

Purbinder keep it in your pants

[@irreleverent]

@@Purbinder03 Yee. Brian's extensive attractiveness is attractive.

[@ashareeoo]

@MagicFlyingMan Amen