Breakup Recovery: Disillusion and Obsession

Pablo writes, “Hi Susan! So glad to share some words with you. My question is: How do we recover from a disillusion? For months and months, I spent my time crying and suffering for a past relationship, thinking about what I did wrong, about what would have happened if I had made different decisions, just to realize by some facts, that the person I fell for, is actually mean and not the good one I always thought.”
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[@pablocervantes2658]

Susan, thank you so much for your answer! I’m so excited to watch this, when I got the email about my video request I was literally jumping, so good to hear your words that always give me peace and calm, I’m so grateful for this, I send you my best wishes!

[@SusanWinter]

Pablo!!! Yay!! Thanks for the reply. You asked a brilliant question and I hope I’ve answered it for you

[@oliviamcclain9676]

What Sapp him now,

[@oliviamcclain9676]

±2349066593173👈⏯⏯⏯⏯⏯

[@ryanjames3260]

@@SusanWinterSusan please can you send me details of one on one coaching.

[@ryanjames3260]

I need your help

[@theperformancestudio]

What I have found is that if some one is genuinely in love with you our 'mistakes' will not be consequential. They will be forgiving and will welcome talking through resolve. So if they become unforgiving or intolerant then in my mind it's time to walk away. Anyway, just my humble view.

[@SusanWinter]

You are spot on. Absolutely brilliant. Thank you so much for sharing this

[@lindazhang8004]

true and i agree on this one !!!!

[@msg3tr1ght]

Definitely! Smaller mistakes will be forgivable. There should also be communication about how you’re both showing up and what you can do better going forward

[@aa-jm7js]

I read on your channel that it says you are a life coach, and I was wondering if you are saying to be with someone that is "in love" with you, but not someone that "loves" or "doesn't love" you? Are you saying that if the person becomes less forgiving/resolving then they aren't in love with you any more and you need to not be with them any more because they've become cold and not understanding/loving/caring/resolving toward you any more and that could be really bad for you?

[@twainslureca]

This comment really helped me

[@saramurphy7272]

One of my favourites from you. Why are you obsessing over someone you lost who was flawed and horrible to you? Wouldn’t it be more painful to lose someone who really was the cream of the crop in their character and how they treated you while together? Ie. Aren’t perhaps you the bigger loss to the other?

[@anon_ya]

Great question! I was in the loop after a confusing “situationship” ended months ago, blaming myself and hung up on every conversation exchanged. My brain was trying to make sense of what my gut knew all along (the guy had another woman). I went no contact and allowed my brain rest from the unhealthy rumination pattern by forming new habits, connections, and learning (watching these videos to evolve). Months later HE has written back to me while in relationship with the other woman. Now I’m in a healthier place as the emotional charge has died down and I see him for who is wasn’t.

[@theempire00]

Omg 😮😮

[@mindworm7689]

Your videos come into my feed at the perfect time 😭

[@fightercomplex7]

I swear man

[@CNM2326]

Im going through a head break too

[@SusanWinter]

Mindworm, I love it when that happens!! Synchronicity

[@lindazhang8004]

magic !!!

[@debopritabhattacharya9114]

True.

[@kristenmoonrise]

Great question and response. This is what I'm now getting past. I was dating a guy that I thought had it all - great tech career, highly educated, handsome, warm and caring, etc. But after a while started to disregard my boundaries. I was hurt - I didn't understand what I was doing wrong. I realized I was inadvertently starting to jump through hoops, and wondered why his sudden change of behavior. We had plans and he'd flake. Even when HE was the one to set the plans! I realized it was nothing I said or could have said or did that could have made a difference, unless I disregarded my own boundary, and I would have certainly "lost" that way. He eventually cut contact. I realized I'm much more emotionally self-aware, with a great heart and deserve much better. The good to have come out of it was that at the beginning, he was encouraging me to get back into a few hobbies that I had put aside for so long. I'm now getting back into them, and tapping into a lot of different things I otherwise would not have if I didn't have his initial nudge. Because of him, I've "rebranded" myself and set better dating standards!

[@SusanWinter]

😊😊😊😊!!!!! Love it-The relationship awakened your interest in hobbies that you had neglected and you’ve re-branded your standards. This is wonderful

[@saramurphy7272]

Thank you for the comment Kristen. I've been through the exact same experience!

[@cherylduckworth8185]

Hi Susan, I am at the acceptance point now. I really enjoyed this video. I was just this very moment thinking of the what ifs. Your videos took me through the crying lost phase, too helping myself with self-love, to finally acceptance. My heart goes out to all those hurting people. It's just really hard to get over someone but with helpful videos such as yours of the recovery time so much shorter. Have a wonderful day and can't wait for the next episode.

[@swiatopoblond]

Susan, THANK YOU! Its been 8months of this hell of thoughts. 🙏🏼

[@AdaFang]

Almost four months in for me. I wish you and everyone else here peace. 🙏🏼

[@acd1168]

You did nothing wrong. You are wonderful

[@tamorap1614]

I never thought that kind of state existed.

[@anushajain1673]

Can't afford therapy. Thanks for existing Susan!

[@amandaconnell653]

Yes, the realisation that the one you fell for is a person with issues & problems & you're happier being away from them. Yep! It's sad, but a life with them is sadder! You're brilliant as always Susan. Stay safe everyone. 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿 🇬🇧 🇬🇧 💖💖💖💖

[@SusanWinter]

Amanda from Wales!! Hello dear one. Thank you for your lovely commentary

[@zaink7037]

I can kind of agree there. I'm moving on from a girl I really liked in school. We stopped seeing each other after we finished college and I was planning on getting back in contact with her this year as we both would of become qualified people. Found out she got married last year and has a child. Was a tough pill to swallow but I'm moving on. You start to realise their true colours. She didn't even finish her studies and is a housewife no offense. She also went dirty on a close friend of hers by blocking her and not speaking to her as she wasn't able to attend her wedding. Feel like I dodged a bullet there and can find someone else a lot better. I just want this feeling to go away 😭

[@burnzz100]

I can so relate. 15 years together. I’m typically unhappy, thought it was me maybe depressed? Oh no! I fell in love with a VISION. Tall ,handsome, muscular, just the physical “type” I’m drawn to. He’s a good guy, but just couldn’t deliver what I needed. Yes, I’m obsessed by his looks. Working on changing that. I’ve been very disillusioned. Trying to let him go.

[@MadawaskaObservatory]

This absolutely correct Susan. But when your in LOVE, those strong feelings are hard to let go, or should I say they won't let you go. You can't intellectually reason your way out of this.

[@Firegirl483]

@@technofeeliak You should just get a consultation with Susan

[@SusanWinter]

Yes, the feelings are strong. And it can take many attempts to let go of obsession and disillusionment

[@SusanWinter]

@@technofeeliak I think that women do (in general) bounce back faster than men. We've had more training. We've fallen in love, been hurt, and survived many times over by the time a man has had but one love. This is in our nature. But men have been 'trained' out of feelings, and have been stifled emotionally. But when a man does fall in love, it's deep and lasting.

[@lindazhang8004]

sadly but truth

[@etzenhammer]

exactly.

[@JNeil1975]

It's interesting, I just walked away from a two year relationship and I'm surprised by how strong I've been. I have not felt angry or hateful. I am not mad at him. I have not felt grief or sorrow. I've not cried nor felt the need to cry. I think I was so fed-up with the same recurring issues that I was relieved to say goodbye! I always assumed I'd be devastated if it ended...but I'm not. I feel assured and confident. I made the right decision.

[@arikira7888]

Whenever I get a rejection I learn accept his decision by reminding myself that “he’s just not that into me.” Susan, your advice rocks. This video rocks. Thank you 🙏

[@SusanWinter]

Thanks Kiraaa!!

[@GuillaumeNicolle]

@@SusanWinter What if you're still in the loop, thinking that if "they're not that much into us" its because of our mistakes? it seems there is no end about it

[@debsilogabella3714]

@@GuillaumeNicolle same sentiments

[@edyao8590]

Susan, I just wanna say thank you to all of your videos. Because of them, I had the courage to break up with my ex gf. She had been very manipulative but I loved her so much. I was having a hard time with her, being blamed and scold even mentally bullied me. Right now I’m feeling much better and finally found myself back. Thank you so much.

[@armaghan1988]

Thank you Susan! It's truly awakening! ❤️

[@christinas8782]

I just want to thank you once again Susan for providing us with your wisdom and lessons. Your videos have helped me greatly over the past two years.

[@SusanWinter]

Thank you Christina

[@florenciagonzalez2288]

Your videos always leave me feeling positive and accepting of reality. Also they always offer a different perspective that I wasn't considering. Thank you so much!

[@SusanWinter]

Florencia, I truly appreciate your comment. That is my goal. And now that I know that you feel that way you have simply made my day. I am smiling ear to ear. ❤️

[@sofiatoledo4424]

Thank you sooo much Susan 🙏Perfect timing of course. I love you. Keep up the AMAZING work.

[@SusanWinter]

😀😀😀😀Sophia. Thank you

[@donaczella]

thank you, Susan! brilliant as always

[@insomnias6399]

Susan, you are such a great psychologist and person with lots of knowledge, empathy, wisdom and great character traits! I SO hope that you can use all that in your own relationship! You deserve a fantastic partner! Thank you for your work😘

[@SusanWinter]

Thank you for the kind words. Truly. And when in partnership, I'm like everyone else. There are times I can't see the forest for the tress. But I do have honed communication skills, so that helps. BTW: I'm not a psychologist. But thank you for the compliment

[@titanniki412]

17 months with my Bi Polar ex. 48 days, she set me FREE. I wrote a journal. Alot of research. I'm starting to believe she is also Narcissistic. I talk to myself In the mirror a few times a day. Give myself a PEP talk. I go over the journal. I did my best. She told me Mom ❤️ you and says He's a Keeper. Mom even said to me a few times I need to take you home with me. I ❤️ & MISS HER, but I have to do it from a distance. I ask myself, DO you really want that kind of life? Answer NO!!

[@duaam3100]

You look stunning today ❤️❤️❤️ The weather is nice from your window!! Much love from a snowy Canadian city ❄️

[@lyndamcmullen9410]

Fabulous video Susan. ♥️

[@rehammua]

Love it love it 🕊🕊

[@sysstemerror]

"Find that gem" that's amazing 🙏🏻

[@SusanWinter]

Thank you. I go to great lengths about this because it’s the cure for the heartache. If we can find a win, a true win that is meaningful, we can walk away with a sense of peace

[@trannyglitter12]

LEARNING.... such a wise sage Susan is. 🥰

[@stevenrobla6092]

So true, been a loop as you call it for 4yrs, 3months. Went out on 2-3 dinner dates over that time, nothing in the last year and a half but it always felt wrong. I feel like a monk now but atleast i feel i wont feel that pain again.

[@SurasmitaMeher-ch3lo]

This woman is so damn fit man! I am impressed!

[@toddh2410]

Very well spoken Susan! I have definitely had this problem in the last six months. It’s nice to know it’s not all my fault if at all. Thank you, your friend Todd.

[@SusanWinter]

Not your fault!! Thanks Todd

[@toddh2410]

@@SusanWinter Thank you Susan!

[@happysinger23]

"find the gem in the caca" hahahaha oh Susan how I love you!

[@SusanWinter]

Thank you Genevieve!

[@rebeccajones8628]

You are like the kind older sister I never had. Love you....

[@violetcrush8867]

Hi Susan, I have been listening to your videos for the past few months trying to recover from my ex named Pablo 😅 was a bit surprised to hear his name but of course not the same Pablo. It just feels weird to hear his name again. It’s been 8 months. My heart is getting better... thanks for the helpful advices.

[@SusanWinter]

Oh... that's priceless!

[@abeach5420]

👋👋 Heyyy Miss Susan from🍁 'We' appreciate you & all that you bring. Thank you for being on 'our' side & for being OUR gem. 😁👌

[@SusanWinter]

thank you thank you!!!!!!!

[@abeach5420]

@@SusanWinter 🤗 Be well out 'there'.

[@nontelovogliodire]

this video helps me so much, i was starting to be scared and thinking that i am actually crazy, i got dumped after 4 months of a “real dating experience” (i am in my 20s, never really experienced dating). I got extremely attached to that person, idealised them in some way but my gut was always telling me something was wrong but i just refused to listen to it. I knew things weren’t working but bc of fear of abandonment and rejection i kept staying.. I got dumped, he gave me reasons but i still started ruminating on everything, trying to understand what i did wrong, constantly talked about it to my friends, i couldn’t even sleep. I just wanted to have answers because it happened so suddenly and i felt abandoned, i even felt crazy and like a stalker…i was really scared of myself. Now i am feeling better, I realised a lot of things were actually in my head, just a fantasy and that he actually never really cared. At some point i got even scared of my behaviour bc of this obsessive thinking, sometimes i find myself thinking about them, what i could have said and some images were replaying in my mind. Now thanks to this video, i am feeling a little bit better, less panicked and i hope it will fade away soon because it’s starting to interfere in my daily life, i can’t concentrate on things properly…sometimes i am ok, sometimes i find myself rethinking and having this loop of thoughts. As you said i need mind discipline, forcing myself to stop those thoughts that are not real, trying and trying to engage in activities and spend more time with loved ones. I even deleted instagram bc everything was reminding me of him, i’ll even start taking other routes on my way to places, but the problem is that he also lives near me.. But i am really scared that this won’t stop..

[@abiwdr]

God bless you Susan

[@YpatiosVarelas]

Excellent point of view, helps a lot, thanks

[@sun_flowergirl21]

Love the gem in the caca! Oh my goodness that made me laugh and so so good!

[@SusanWinter]

Thanks!! My rather sophistcated Spanish!

[@fx4147]

Brilliant advice

[@sharonsawrie3330]

Thanks Susan! I needed that today. God bless you.

[@oliviamcclain9676]

±2349066593173👈⏯⏯⏯⏯

[@oliviamcclain9676]

What Sapp him now,

[@wendy7879]

The benefit....that was good! I can move on....thankyou

[@maryamzizi2023]

I love you so much Susan ❤️❤️

[@SusanWinter]

HI maryam. thank you!

[@jsross3353]

You are amazing and sooo factual! These situations are exactly the one I’m in right now. I feel so miserable and have lost all my confidence bec of my partner (of 8 years) just dumped me and already has a new GF after only a few weeks. Or maybe he must have been cheating already while we we’re together

[@thehealthbodyfitness]

Great Advice

[@dystephiary]

I did something wrong. I became cold and detached and he left me. Our seven-year relationship died just like that.

[@pianolearner7]

Great video. I am in recovery phase after six years on/off with an emotionally abusive ex. Before him I was ten years with a covert narc. Before him I was married to a physically and emotionally abusive man for seven years. One thing I find hard coming to terms with is why did I give these guys so much time when they showed me exactly who they were in the first few months. I'm quite intelligent and my female friends say I'm assertive with them. Yet I could never be assertive with these guys I was emotionally involved with. I may have missed the deadline for your answer Susan but thought I'd ask anyway just in case. Maybe the answer is in another of your videos as I haven't yet watched them all. I'm in my sixties now and happy being single.

[@michaelaboukeer1687]

You are absolutely gorgeous

[@marysunshine5587]

Omg yes wasted so much time on this. Thank you for this.

[@LightSpeaker2k]

Daaaaaaaaaamn!

[@chrisdaley5175]

I replay my tape but don't think about what if. I've no regrets here.

[@davidhagler8781]

I've been worrying about all the things I may have said to drive her away. I wrote a really long text to her apologizing for several things but I never sent it to her. It's good to hear this is common. I can identify that I didn't really do anything wrong.

[@liuwie5310]

Hello do you need help

[@liuwie5310]

He was the one that help me get my ex back

[@liuwie5310]

Text him on whatzapp

[@liuwie5310]

[phone]

[@thomaspidgeon7926]

I had contact just recently with my ex , I dont see anything about either one of us thats awful. We've concluded , both on our own time, that our lives are way to complicated for it to work. Personal reason outside our relationship made it way too difficult to be with each other. Maybe later if thats what the fates allow. Im just moving forward, regardless.

[@CooSharn]

Disillusioned with them but also disillusioned with myself

[@johncarlolicon331]

Hello Mother Susan

[@lonniehoch7068]

I'm in this circle of doing this after a blissful 4 year relationship that turned into 3 more years of pure hell scologically, financially aswell. Searching for answers thank you for the video

[@SusanWinter]

Lonnie, I hope you’re doing OK. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through because I do know how painful it is to be caught in that loop of obsession, reviewing every single thing that happened and every word that was spoken. I truly wish you peace of mind and happiness

[@lonniehoch7068]

@@SusanWinter . 5hank you so much. It means alot .....

[@andreflavell2689]

@@lonniehoch7068 i to went through the same . It’s heartbreaking. I loved her and gave for 2 years and to her kids . Only to be rejected. It takes us so much time to get over it . Try and do something different with your life . That’s kind of helping me

[@lonniehoch7068]

Andre, this has been a living hell. Most of it has been my fault for not just giving up on her

[@andreflavell2689]

@@lonniehoch7068 tell me your story. I was the same I to should have walked away but was weak

[@JaydeNicolexx]

Hi hi can you do a video on wondering why it had to end

[@nexusSix_237]

When your the breakee you always think the breakor is not the nice good person you thought they were...it might be kinda of unfair for someone to make such a statement because your hurting. Im sure my past few exs think I'm not the nice person they thought I was just because I broke up with them and did not want to get back together.

[@nexusSix_237]

@@emilycharlie6468 did you read and comprehend what I even said??? Or are you just a bot.

[@SusanWinter]

@@nexusSix_237 That was a bot. As soon as I block one, other's pop up

[@greatismyconfusion]

Hi Susan. This was a great video. Do you think all Dumpees reach the stage of disillusionment? How do we know if our former partner’s meanness is real or if it is our own coping mechanism? A brain-trick, to make falling out of love easier? Or as someone commented above, one can try to reason their way out of a failed relationship intellectually, but this my lead *them* to become mean towards the Dumper, animosity or something worse, like silent treatment.

[@SusanWinter]

Not all dumpee's feel disillusionment. Some feel relief, other's feel sadness but look forward to a better-suited partner

[@mgo810]

What do you do when the person your seeing could be happy with just a minimal relationship and you want more. Is there a way to push them to hurry it up? I get it that I could always walk away but when I don’t want to throw away something that could be potentially good if I could be more patient.

[@LightSpeaker2k]

I left it there...Damn.

[@songxingmu]

How to get out the loop ?

[@janeol3195]

OMG SAME EXPERIENCE

[@marleyhill34]

I have Borderline/Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder and I keep choosing Emotionally Unavailable people. The last two break ups were 1. An assault 2. A dump by text. I'm nearly 40. I'm beginning to think I'm not capable of picking anyone emotionally compatible. I'm seriously considering IVF, a puppy or becoming a recluse. I can't stay in a balance of engaging appropriately with people who then abandon me. I seem to pick emotionally incompatible people all the time and when we split up, the people around us are shocked. Because from the outside we look like a good happy couple but underneath I have BPD (I'm very vocal that I have BPD. I don't hide it after mutual commitment ) and the men I choose have a hidden emotional deficit. My earliest memories around age 3, 4, 5 and 6 have been filled with unhappiness, terror, fear and anxiety. Since then I've lived my life trying to fix this but at nearly 40,im thinking of giving up. I'm in therapy but even the therapist is becoming fustrated with me because I suffer fatigue and I can't form sentences fast enough for her to analyse. 😢😢😢😢😢🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

[@msg3tr1ght]

My ex has BPD and was the emotionally unavailable one. I applaud your openness and everything you’ve done to work on relationships. Maybe try getting into therapy and focusing on yourself for awhile. You deserve more than what has come your way. Create the life you want for yourself and the right people will come into your life

[@msg3tr1ght]

Also sounds like you need a therapist who is more educated on BPD

[@marleyhill34]

@@msg3tr1ght thanks. I live in the UK and the access to therapy system is is very behind that of the USA. That said it is free but the waiting list is enormous. The other thing is that they are very picky about who they let into therapy and their rules are very rigid. They constantly want us to engage but if we lash out or shut down they kick us out of the therapy. So I do think it's the therapist fault entirely. It's the way the stem is designed. I am at the point where I don't want another adult in my life. I feel the positives are outweighed by the negative impact they leave behind at the end of the relationship. I've never had a romantic relationship end well. I have no idea how people are still friends with their ex when for someone like me with my BPD, it's still raw and vivid years and decades later as if it happened just a few hours or days ago. It's gotten that bad that no one has been in my apartment (except my mother's one stay) in nearly 5 years. Its slowly becoming like "hoarder" maybe to keep people away.

[@andreflavell2689]

@@marleyhill34 Marley I am the same as you . We feel different from most as we don’t have the coping skills for rejection . People like us give all of ourselves and to normally takers . It’s taken me 18 months to get of her and I as you the giver on all fronts . Not emotionally available and thought she would in time . I live on a yacht now and as you given up . We are creative people with a strong moral compass. We have to find our own tribe and take on red flags but we don’t as we think those flags aren’t important. No quick fix that’s for sure . I have shut down on romance as it’s seems to take to much from people like us . Now I have this beautiful yacht I am hoping to have new memories and adventures that will bring joy . I am sad for you as I know how we roll . You are special you intelligent and no doubt loving . We just give to people that will never understand us . They love the quirky stuff in the beginning but in the end they go because we are to open with no filters for them . We can’t change but we can try to control the outcome . You are not alone Marley on this ok . And there is nothing wrong with you .

[@marleyhill34]

@@andreflavell2689 thanks! A yatch sounds nice even though I'm not much of a sailor.

[@workinperkins]

❤️

[@nitalchordia606]

How can I write to her ?

[@katewalsh5394]

Susan, I’ve wondered if the reason we question what we could have done differently is because then we can tell ourselves we could have changed the outcome by our external actions. Subconsciously, I suspect we view the alternative as meaning there is something WRONG with US (internally, as a person). Do you think there’s any merit in this idea?

[@msg3tr1ght]

As humans, especially those of us with pleasing and fixing tendencies, we tend to internalize things and blame ourselves. This is usually because we are either manipulated by others and externally blamed for things or discarded the minute we make a mistake. No one is ever wholly or wholly wrong, healthy relationships have introspection on both parts and shared accountability, not blame and projection.

[@SusanWinter]

Yes, we are hunting for the outcome we want and erroneously assume a different action may have had a different outcome. But this is love, chemistry, and whimsy. Some people 'play' at love, other's imagine they love...

[@fun6623]

🥰👏🏽🥰

[@georgepanagiotou8673]

What’s everyone’s advice on reaching out for Christmas? I’m tempted to do it

[@SusanWinter]

George., the only question you need to ask is what will that do to you in the long run.

[@georgepanagiotou8673]

@@SusanWinter ur right I decided not to. Even though I want her back it has to be her that reaches out.. Merry Christmas to you

[@judymorla4647]

How do i forgive myself for past mistakes while we were in the talking stage, so that he understands im not the same and he knows im sorry and i want to move foward. My guilt makes me feel unsure he will stay.

[@liuwie5310]

Hello do you need help

[@liuwie5310]

Oba

[@liuwie5310]

He was the one that help me get my ex back

[@liuwie5310]

Text him on whatzapp

[@liuwie5310]

[phone]

[@mrniceguy1977]

Lucky husband

[@eddy2561]

Breakup......I drink a lot

[@panifrau5294]

❤️