Brené Brown on Blame

You are probably a bit of a blamer - most of us are. But why should we give it up? In this witty sequel to our most watched RSA Short, inspirational thinker Brené Brown considers why we blame others, how it sabotages our relationships, and why we desperately need to move beyond this toxic behaviour.
Voice: Dr Brené Brown
Animation: Katy Davis AKA Gobblynne www.gobblynne.com
Production and Editing: Al Francis-Sears and Abi Stephenson
Watch the original talk here: • The Power of Vulnerabi...
Donate to the RSA: utm.guru/udy0w
Follow the RSA on Twitter: / rsaevents
Like the RSA on Facebook: / thersaorg

[@rsaorg]

Exciting news everyone! Our #RSAshorts series (of which this video is part) has been nominated for a Webby Award! The Annual Webby Awards represent the best of the Internet, and out of nearly 13,000 projects submitted this year, RSA Shorts has made it to the final five in the ‘Animations’ category. The winner is decided by the online public, so we need your vote! Here’s how you can help (voting closes 7th May so be quick!): bit.ly/2VMytX3

[@anthonypizzoferrato5363]

fantastic

[@abberosenthal4488]

Congratulations! Would I be able to use the clip in an eLearning module on conflict resolution?

[@ryanw3874]

brene brown's voice coming out of a cartoon character is somehow so so damn funny

[@OnyxtheFortuitous]

I love this woman. She's so down to earth, and so wise.

[@raek8940]

Yeah I know...I am not sure if I love or hate her! ha ha (I love her) ;)

[@eabeloth7035]

I wouldnt call stupidity wise. So no. Not everything on yt is true and this is another brainwashing example of it.....

[@adarraproffitt6798]

absolutely admire how she realizes this behavior of hers and its effects and from there can go and change it. Quite brave

[@ParallelWellness]

Very brave! She’s true to her life’s work, even if it’s tough

[@juliagowe5834]

Wish I had discovered Brene Brown's work a decade ago. It would have saved me so much heartache. She is brilliant and so human.

[@gaurav3290]

How is your life going on?

[@5krpm]

This story is so well constructed I’m listening to it over and over again

[@Poppy-yx8js]

There should be a clarification for abuse survivors because most of the time they are blamed for everything. And part of getting out of that situation is realizing that the blame is someone else’s - and placing that blame back where it belongs - on the abuser. And for scapegoats- that can be your entire social structure that is holding together a lie for the abusive individuals.

[@karlosopher]

This resolved the other half of my blame dilemma. I realized blame is externalizing responsibility, and long term is pointless as it must be paid backward to all our predecessors and the dawn of creation. To recognize it as discharging anger from the inability to maintain accountability completes the picture.

[@ameliamarshall3614]

More of these shorts! I love them!

[@rafnarr]

THANK YOU for making this accessible through captions!!

[@adelahua7327]

she's incredible with words!!

[@dariametodieva7304]

Those animations and the way the things are explained ,structured and shown are awesome. Thank you for your effort!

[@lorenas.09]

This is brilliant! Especially for people that are more visual. This is a great way to better understand all those insights

[@WolfKnight888]

I love these mini thought pieces.

[@LillyianPuppy]

Just listening to this makes me feel lighter. Thank you so much.

[@ParallelWellness]

Keeping it real Brene! Love how you bring your personal experience to your work!

[@maaikeswellness1225]

Love this message so many people are stuck in this circle of blame and drains energy and ruins relationships

[@KarenChambre]

Berne Brown is terrific. She is a shame and vulnerability researcher. she has some great books The gift of imperfection and Daring greatly. she is one of my favorites.

[@iambeautenow5874]

I love Brene!!!! She just has a way of sharing stuff we all do without making us feel bad.

[@playmaker7094]

absolutely

[@Ishkaboobool]

Beautifully described

[@ownyourself9455]

Awesome video! We've always been about owning up to yourself. Stand tall when things crumble around you and you'll see how strong you are.

[@deborahlpollitt9463]

This video is spot on. It took me a while to learn but, I know blaming and worry are really defective thinking habits. I was raised by a worrier, blamer, guilter It took time and effort, but I learned to pay attention to my thoughts and feel my emotions. I say "I'm feeling...", even if it requires that I take 10 deep breathes before I speak. I learned worrying is using mental gymnastics to exhaust to exhaust myself. If I can change a situation I do. if i can't, I accept it and engage or accept it and disengage. I hold people (including myself) responsible for behavior. By that I mean I approach upsets, conflicts and discomforts without the attack that blaming implies. I had an excellent teacher, before retiring, my career involved direct patient and customer contact. I learned it so much easier to be respectful, clear and compassionate in communicating and problem solving.

[@sadiaswr]

Accoubtability, is a vulnerable process

[@n210s4fun]

I love these videos. Brilliant and such a fun way to extend a powerful message to the masses. Bravo to RSA and Dr. Brene Brown!

[@dawnsnell6595]

absolutely LOVE this dr brown she has left me feeling empowered n on a natural high!!!!--she made it easy n comfortable to effectively understand what she was communicating on the human behavior!!! bravo lady excellent jon doc!

[@MalaikaMalz]

Loved it! And I love the entire presentation that she did x

[@everosenberg3842]

Loved this!! It's funny, real and so true.....great advice!

[@breklein3338]

These videos are so brilliant

old, but gold short! love it!

[@SlimRem07]

I mean honestly Brene Brown is everything!!! What a gift she is!!! 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

[@cheryldias4269]

Love the animated presentation of a profound topic in an interesting way.

[@iccotom]

love her. She's is great role model. very human, down to earth, and not afraid to show being imperfect. that's what we need more of in this life.

[@buyerseller905]

So true and so powerful!

[@dawor1761]

Very good as always! First listened to you in Grad school. I'm still listening and learning more. Thanks.

[@gregmorelli4825]

I was in a musical improv class, many years ago, with a brilliant woman who looked at me with compassionate eyes, after I'd done a cartwheel in a scene, in a desire to save the scene, with the end-result being I dive bombed the scene, and this is what she said, "The trick is to take the meaningful lesson from your failure." I heard the words. But it took damn near a decade before they sank in. It's easy to blame your scene partner. It's easy to blame your business partner. It's easy to blame the client who "doesn't get it." But you might as well be picking on Steve, "Damn You Steve." Thanks for this. It's brilliant, thoughtful & beautifully animated.

[@Luiyemex]

Very teaching. Thank you Brene.!

[@eliomiro7855]

wow im living this right now in my life. Useful

[@karlajeanettemunozduenas9720]

We need to learn how to recognize and handle our emotions and understand why we want to know whose fault is it all time, I need to hold accountable for my own decisions

[@MrBobkamm]

As usual, right on description of the dynamics of blame. What is missing here is a more in depth treatment of how to stop ourselves, breathe and feel down into the underlying feeling, which is ultimately not anger but the deep hurt of helplessness whose origins reside in the childhood experience. Until we learn how to stop and grieve, deeply, we can think and talk about blame brilliantly but such a cognitive approach will have limited value. We can't really think our way out of what we were wounded into. We have to feel our way down, through and finally up out of the original pain in its original context. Bob Kamm

[@SidheTendencies]

👏👏👌

[@deborahlpollitt9463]

+Bob Kamm Here's what I find works for me. I listen before I speak. That gives me breathing space and clears my head. I usually say "I am (fill in the feeling)...about" , then I reference the situation, problem, behavior. That's better received than "you make me...", which is a conversation killer that put people on the defensive. I keep focused on a satisfactory resolution, rather being "right" and having the last word. I've learned if I'm blaming some one I"m thinking and feeling they have the power in the situation. I am not a victim.

[@jonaseggen2230]

Bob Kamm Also often it's kind of hard to distinguish between the two. I found this: I've discovered that most of the time, when executives tell me that "what we need around here is more accountability," what they really mean is, "I need to know who I should blame when things go wrong." www.computerworld.com/article/2566730/it-management/accountability-vs--blame.html

[@MrBobkamm]

I agree, Jonas, that has also been my experience but my model of the Three Trusts offers a broader lens through which to view that. If all they talk about is accountability and it is really a mask for blame and punishment, then they are not going to be leaders worthy of any of the Three Trusts. So, once you get comfortable using this model, I doubt you'll have a hard time distinguishing between those who are truly worthy of trust and those who are gaming it. Thanks for your comment!

[@esaratullu1696]

This is very spot on and so well said. I have experienced this very process. It was long and painful. It didn't happen over night and took some long winding full circles to experience this knowningness from a place of experience. It took quite a bit of action and deliberately putting myself in uncomfortable settings in order to confront these deep down underlying feelings in order to restructure the conversations with that needed to shift. It's quite something to walk through it and land on the other side of it. This journey is going to be different for everyone. The best way to start it is to surrender to it and ask universe/spirit (or the energy source that feels right) for guidance and help. And most importantly, be ready to walk though some fire. In most cases, a lot has to come tumbling down, sometimes to complete rumble in which to rebuild on. It's worth it. Thank you for posting this, it really is a beautiful validation and reflection. I'm not always so good at putting these experiences into words, which can often ead to isolation for me sometimes.

[@mshannahloganshow]

So simple, utter genius.

[@UniversalPotentate]

This is great. I never understood blaming or blamers. Apparently they're people with deep pain. Until they work through that pain, they'll never be able to really sit down and understand solutions. Not my most compassionate idea but I've learned that creating GREATER pain for blaming and being unaccountable, especially over time, will trigger a habit for a person or a group to become accountable.

[@scottlutz2311]

“Damn you Steve!” Accountability is a vulnerable process, so let’s please not miss opportunities to empathize. Members of Congress, ALL OF THEM, are missing huge opportunities. Hence, we have our current situation of contempt from all sides. I doubt we can move forward through this political mess without some civility and empathy. How else can two sides, both apparently contemptible, come together and agree that progress is far more important than perfection?

[@michellea9857]

Agreed, way too much of a divide in society between liberals and conservatives with each side playing the blame card. Shame we can’t be bigger then that in in truly engaging with each other.

[@geneobersinner1445]

Word! Couldn't have said it better myself, Scott

[@divineunion]

Dr Brene Brown, where have you been this whole time. I suppose I found you at the time I was ready to hear what you have to share. This lady explains things in such an easy and simple way. Thank you for sharing what you share. It makes a difference

[@chocmilkshake24]

This explains a lot! Thanks for the info!

[@RagazzaFit25]

Loved this!!

[@hopkinshousehold46]

I like this so much! The animation is terrific and the message spot on. Hello, I am Christine and I USED to be a blamer. One of the things that helped me grow out of this was Brene's book, The Gift of Imperfection. Thank you for being here and articulating all of the "stuff" we have. You and Landmark International.

[@LittleC81015]

Where can I get that book for my husband????????? 🤣😂

[@gaurav3290]

@@LittleC81015 Amazon

[@lisarose5685]

So good! Thanks Brene

[@popstephens7393]

Ughh, we need to stop this destroying of our relationships! (What I should be saying to my wife, child, coworkers, and ESPECIALLY to myself.) To Brené and Gobblynn, you were both spot on. Thank you for this. #selfevaluation #itStartsWithYou

[@01mustang05]

Do no harm is the only worthwhile challenge. So NO... bullying, dictating (unless medical emergency), hypocrisy, tyranny, contempt, disrespect, negligence, incompetence, delialism, unreasonableness, nor abuses... for starters.

[@gebymailoa]

we need more videos like these by brene brown please

[@AminaWilliamsRN]

I just love this!!!

[@jaspdx63]

Taking the mandatory coursework for new in-home caregivers in Oregon (Medicaid Waiver / HCBS funded work). I'm a caregiver employer of record for my IDD daughter, so I'm doing this to learn more about training requirements and resources as part of my advocacy work. Anyway, lots of great and useful content so far in the coursework, but this video (part of the "Maintaining a Positive Attitude" module) is by far my favorite. Well done!

[@ajaa3116]

please make more of this.. the lesson stick.

[@bovinicide]

Great video and animation!

[@Buffy362]

Excellent! Thank you!

[@WisalAhdab]

this's really insightful

[@sayeedahjuman8065]

Wow this is really good! I love this

[@raek8940]

OUCH, spot on!

[@whencesleepfairy]

Loved this ❤️

[@ChocoIand]

MORE bene brown PLEASE :3

[@Be1More]

+Choco Candy yeah

[@catherinechinonsoeleam9917]

I just got schooled by you. Thank you. I blame people a whole lot when things don't go my way, but sometimes underneath it all, I know it's my fault. Thank you once again.

[@koenkeep]

I don't think that was quite the message she espoused, but you're on your way :)

[@kimberlyjeltema3011]

I love this!!

[@biancabrandner3208]

This is gold!🤣

[@yvonnecarandang1618]

I love the entire presentation tht she did..🖤

[@appletree6898]

Brene is very wise and she also makes an adorable animated character.

[@GilliJamtin]

This week I was in a meeting with two business leaders, both of whom commenced the meeting by accepting blame for their "misunderstanding of the situation." Leader 1 said, "It's probably my fault that I misunderstood but didn't we agree..." and proceeded to state her understanding of a previous discussion. Leader 2 said, "No, it's probably me who misunderstood, but I thought..." and put forward his view of the previous discussion. They did this repeatedly whilst at the same time pushing their own idea of how they felt about coming to a decision (on the matter being discussed). In the end a decision wasn't made (again) - it was deferred to another time (the meeting had run over) nothing was really achieved but it was a pleasant meeting.

[@erinclaman6875]

I finally met a psychiatrist last week after waiting almost a year. I had to wait so long because here in Canada, if you can't pay for couselling/mental health services your only option is to wait in line ups for no-cost help and I can't pay. Well, when I walked in to meet this doctor she did everthing Brene says not to do perfectly. I walked out in tears & won't be seeing her again. I will go without medication (as I need a Dr to prescribe) as I am too scared & too invalidated to go back. Empathy doesn't take much, it isn't 'rocket science.' Whatever small measures it takes to be empathic, this psychiatrist missed the 'how to be empathic' boat big time! Thanks for a great video Brene/RSA! I am now a RSA youtube subscriber.

[@lauraray6526]

I find I often blame myself to have control over what has happened.

[@lisabrown6100]

I enjoyed this video very much and I learned a lot from it

[@ste7en777]

sometimes a few seconds of blaming solves the problem

[@lindagottfried8388]

Can't help but notice that "Blame" = "Bla" + "Me." The discharge of anger. I get it. Now I finally understand my mother. This is a master blamer. Amazing how a 3:25 annimated video can shed light on something that I've puzzled over for 61 years! Thanks, Brene!

[@terrybaez2339]

Awesome short video on BLAME

[@lighthousemum1383]

I sure wish you'd create some more videos on Anxieties, depressions and trauma

[@felicitygreenham5917]

Love it!

[@alexamcg2831]

So GOOD!!!

[@sixthsense8836]

Dr Brown is the best!

[@bevhart4604]

The only problem w/Brene, there isn’t more of her to go around! I don’t get lost in her messages, she’s so easy to understand! Thanks Brene!

[@AnnetteStanwick]

Bree' Brown is brilliant with her thoughts and revelations about blaming!

[@luisaa5022]

love it!

[@zanelenkomo]

So common in the workplace where for some reason we as leaders can't say, we were wrong.. it's our fault.. we look for fall guys! Point of reflection... something I will keep in mind on my leadership journey..

[@jokfoy2012]

What I noticed was that Steve hung up the phone! Right away! He knows! It wasn't his fault. He also knows there will be another conversation face-to-face later on that will take up A LOT of his precious time ... but he will be ready for it.

[@alankay7823]

One of the key points in Brene's piece is the use of blame to deflect accountability by the individual.

[@allexagabriele8414]

I love it!

[@noirinoconnor2735]

Really enjoyed the blame video!

[@LOGICZOMBIE]

GREAT WORK

[@ste7en777]

this isn't simply blaming. it's blaming your own problem on someone else

[@joythruyoga4639]

This was great! Funny because we all have been there!

[@BreenyLee]

EXCELLENT

[@yvetteathomas]

I love this!!! ❤

[@captalextamonan6641]

In the core of violence is the blame culture, so I don't really see how a simple reminder can hurt. You know how we humans are, we tend to forget...

[@jonaseggen2230]

Alejandro Jr. Tamonan That was nice. : )

[@Danielle-ph8ls]

The best!

[@carlagarrett8584]

I like to say "you did it" or "your fault again" - to those that know, because it bursts any stress.

[@Kittyququmber]

The video is more about “shifting blame” and how to take accountability. Many adults shift blame and or refuse to be accountable which is a bigger problem in relationships.

[@user-wc5mh6sz5z]

I really appreciate your effort to tell wisdom of her.. can I use this video to discuss shame with my colleague teachers?

[@DMRoper1]

I love this.

[@AliAli-cj8xu]

باز‌نمیکنه

[@heatherkirby1614]

this woman is amazing:)

[@nancyhartwig1350]

Great video

[@bonnierussell1657]

Would like to a piece on attempting to hold someone accountable in a clear, non-blaming way, and hearing nothing but "well that's just the way it is" with a dash of blame, on the side. That should be a fun piece!

[@thewaterprophet6880]

Of course. It’s a process of relief for physiological discomfort. Or pressure. Surely this is obvious

[@ste7en777]

it's neither the best nor worst response to adversity

[@AlexanderHernandez-ms9ff]

So cool... 👏