CPTSD Makes You FEEL Like Unavailable People Just "Find" You

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I get hundreds of letters from viewers who wonder why they "attract" unavailable, exploitative, sick or abusive people. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman with trauma wounds from childhood,who wonders if it's a coincidence that she has secret "friendships" with men who are older and married. Hear my tough-love response about how to face reality and change this harmful pattern, so she can find real love at last.
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[@yai69]

LISTEN TO HER! I wish I saw this before I let me CPTSD convince me I could entertain an unavailable person. Only pain, loss, regret and shame.

[@suzannax]

The truth always comes out and it can absolutely destroy your self perception

[@bridaw8557]

Yes. It does

[@vivianworden2706]

Actually these types play the numbers game. Its not that we attract jerks. These people hit on everyone until they strike oil. 🙄

[@yoshi4691]

Very true! I watched the last married man I turned down try to run game with every one of my friends. As if we didn't talk to each other about it (actually, it's now a running joke between us 😂). It's so pathetic.

[@morgantomlinson821]

I love how Anna gets straight to the point! She entirely ignores the common narratives, rationales, or dancing around awful situations. She is just willing to say IT'S WRONG!! It amazes me how many people will rationalize homewrecking, it's just a terrible situation that can be genuinely traumatizing for the people involved, especially if the existing relationship involves kids. Heartbreaking. Thank you Anna for your wonderful advice.

[@Captain_MonsterFart]

I find "homewrecking" to be a sexist term. The man is the cause of this situation, but the anger seems to be placed on the mistress type girl quite often. That term is never used when it's men who are the outside person.

[@MsPingyin]

@@Captain_MonsterFart I completely agree. I feel so sorry for Gwen and many of us like her. Sometimes the unhealed brain just can't see or refuses to see the consequences. Anna is absolutely right. Do not let such a man take advantage of you. Love yourself first and you deserve much better!

[@northofyou33]

@@Captain_MonsterFart I totally agree. And the married person is, imo, the one wrecking their home.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

It can be tough to hear -- but she knows how healing it has been for her when SHE has received the tough love too. Sending you all love and encouragement. - Ashley, Team Fairy

[@suzy1750]

@@MsPingyin Yes, in many ways 'Gwen' is still emotionally a child but the damage that could happen if she continues on with this man would be very grown up and devastate the real innocent victim(s) here, who are the partner and children of this creeper. I really hope she takes Anna's advice for everyone's sake.

[@Areutherehello]

This happened to me once a long time ago. A married man led me on, made up this sob story about his marriage being on the rocks, and how he was miserable, but "I was the one he'd been searching for " blah blah blah. I believed him and emotionally--it never became sexual, he took me for one hell of a ride. When I found out that he had bookmarked me and that he had already married another affair partner, it just about darn near broke me in half. I mean, I got REALLY hurt emotionally and psychologically. I realized that fateful day that he had just been using me all along. Just using me for an ego boost, just to feel like he was some God-annointed stud. It hurt to finally understand that I was one of many--not so special after all. My spirit and self-esteem went into a tailspin and almost four years later, it still hurts me if I think about it too much. Now, I'm working on my CPTSD and limerence issues, and not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship. I want to find love someday, but I'm not ready. And that's ok.

[@jillainenewman1358]

I never had any involvements with the married variety, but I do apparently "attract" emotionally unavailable men exclusively. Every one was a taker and I was the giver. Now in my 50s, I'm single and I don't pursue relationships anymore at all. And you know what? I'm literally the happiest and most content I've ever been in my life.

[@IMHip2]

Me too!

[@Tanrotuk]

Same 100%

[@waynepolo6193]

"Bookmarking." I so love hearing and learning new language for these phenomena in interpersonal relationships.

[@designchik]

Listening to her letter brought back a lot of memories for me. I was often approached by married men in the workplace who certainly picked up on my desperate need to be validated by a man because of my dad’s emotional abuse. In most cases, it never led to anything, I think because I wasn’t pretty enough. But they did use me to get their needs met in the office: extra work, overtime, running errands, adoration, etc. It took me a long time to wake up to the fact that I was the only person who could end these one-sided relationships and take back my power. As a dear friend of mine used to say, “What do you get when you marry a man who cheats on his wife? A man who cheats on his wife.” It rarely ends well, Gwen. ❤

[@iomoonwalker]

I couldn't have said that better. I'm sorry you had to go through that. It's really comforting to know I'm not the only one who has. Your friend's advice is spot on!!

[@designchik]

@@iomoonwalker Thank you for your kind words. I truly appreciate them. 🥲

[@katrose2350]

Wow…this comment. I wish I could give you a hug. Glad you see it now and thanks for sharing these wise words

[@lovenosa1105]

At that age I attracted a lot of married men too. They know who to prey on. The issue is when you entertain them. Pathetic men are very attracted to excessively agreeable women which is a very common trait among young women who didn’t get father love. I had it too. Now I’m old enough and healed enough to tell them off at the first sign of boundary crossing.

[@robertah2353]

How did you heal? I’ve been in therapy for a total of 4 years and the father wound still runs really deep

[@lovenosa1105]

@@robertah2353 it doesn’t matter how deep, any wound can heal. I had to stop exposing myself to more injury though, and maintain minimal contact. Practicing forgiveness and also building my own feminine life has helped me a lot.

[@robertah2353]

@@lovenosa1105 thank you!

[@MellowJelly]

It's fine to desire and seek a sense of love and protection in a man, but obviously not a married man.

[@jadegreen1554]

Agreed with Robertah, how did you heal?

[@justjules6975]

Yes sweetheart LISTEN! This will not end well. I’ve been there and done that and feel deep regret and shame decades later. You have to heal this within yourself and it’s really something only you can do. You also have to really realize how worthy you are of real love and respect. The attention feels amazing until you look back and realize what it really was. Stay strong xx♥️

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for this beautiful message and sharing your support with our letter writer. It's appreciated! - Ashley, Team Fairy

[@justjules6975]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy You’re welcome and thank you♥️

[@benedettasavitri9644]

Thank you for this beautiful message.

[@venomousbluefrog]

There are so many people out there who will weaponize your limerence against you, it's really awful.

[@wanjiruolive]

It's not about who you attract but who you entertain.....💯🤝🙏

[@wanjiruolive]

@@transitionsnc very true

[@theunrestrictedbookclub6240]

I agree. I’ve been in this situation before and years later I’m still healing the wounds from it. Regardless of anyone else, being ‘the other woman’ is self destruction.

[@Captain_MonsterFart]

God, whyyyyy are there so many dudes like this out there? They recognize a naïve girl and prey on her.

[@Analysis_Paralysis]

And targeting young people (half their age) is definitely predatory. And so creepy...

[@blackthornsloe8049]

This letter slightly triggered me too . I grew up surrounded by addicts who wandered around pretending to themselves and everyone else that they were blown this way and that , made no choices and were innocent passengers in the train wreck of their lives and the collateral damage that caused . I wouldn't be surprised if addiction isn't in the present or future of this individual's life .

[@Captain_MonsterFart]

I dunno...I'm a lot like her and that's not an issue for me. Hopefully it's just more that emptiness left by poor or absent parenting.

[@christina3521]

“Innocent travelers in the train wreck of their lives” really great line & post!!

[@brennanleyen]

I was the child of an alcoholic (and I didn’t realize for 25 years old) and never had substance abuse per se (except food- compulsive eating) but I had this issue. I think you’re right that there’s an addictive thing going on… could even be love addiction

[@MrErik052005]

I am a male who discovered I had CPTSD from watching your videos. Since then, I’ve join BetterHelp. I’ve being doing both individual and group therapy. I also was introduced to a book called No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover. Really opened my eyes. I am in the process of a paradigm shift while currently being in a relationship. It’s very hard work. I hope my guy sticks around. But I know I am in a better place in part thanks to you.

[@Him_He_Me]

Hey... well done!! Yeah it's hard work, but worth it. So great you are taking care of you.

[@MellowJelly]

Nice!! Better help can be helpful but it has so many controversies by being very exploitative and having some really inappropriate behaviour from their "therapists", just watch out! If you got a goot therapist that's good

[@frankydottir8762]

I just started better help too. Hoping to heal my traumas

[@MrErik052005]

@@frankydottir8762 depending on your trauma, No More Mr Nice Guy has really helped me. I listen to the audible version. You can find it on KZbin for free. It’s over 6hrs long. Stories of men told by a therapist. I think all men should read/listen to it.

[@MrErik052005]

@@MellowJelly fortunately, you can change therapist easily if you don’t have a good connection with the therapist. Group therapy is nice too. My therapist recommends me books and gives me advise about CBT. I prefer male therapist. I’m realizing for me, males are better fits.

[@Dan_Chiron]

Omg, this! For the sake of your well being, don't even enter into muddy waters. If something feels wrong, it is wrong. When I was 17, I met this 30yo guy who never asked me to have a relationship (until I confronted him), yet he made sure to appear as we were in a relationship, even made it look like we lived together. He wasn't married, he was supposedly available, still he didn't was available to me. I liked his attention and the fact that he treated me like an adult, but I wasn't. I was thinking about unsubscribing from life by the time I put together my last figment of willpower and ran away. As an the adult I am now, I think he was grooming me to do whatever he wanted, and he did it for years. I grew a lot from that experience, but I'd never wish anyone to learn it the hard way like that.

[@bethtaylor9773]

When you 'lose' this guy, you're not losing your dad. He's not your dad! When my kids were growing up with basically no dad, I told them that God is all our dad. He cares for you and provides what you need. God is my dad too; I had one, but he died awhile back. God is available all the time to talk with and ask for guidance and help. And He provides it to me and to my grown children now.

[@martyjoyking4905]

So true.

[@julieannemooreedwards9909]

YES! You have a Heavenly Father who made you and loves you and led you here❤

[@peach411]

Spittin straight facts today

[@galaxy98765]

One of the unfortunate things is that he will probably do that to the next poor, unaware soul he encounters. He will just find someone else. In my situation, I recently got out of a "relationship" similar to that where the man kept me on the phone for four hours, and wrote 20-page emails, then got mad at me if I didn't comment on every single thing he said. In his case, his "significant other" was his wife of 48 years who died five years ago. He talked and wrote about her 99% of the time during our communications. He was unavailable and always would have been. He also has social anxiety disorder and a serious case of Borderline Personality Disorder. Even though he just wanted to be friends, people like that can still mess up your life. He didn't want a friend, he wanted an "emotional caregiver" that he could unload on. He was mean and nasty. I am free now, but still trying to forget I ever met him, along with the nasty names he called me. Be strong, people out there, you can do this. Say "NO", and take care of yourselves.

[@Captain_MonsterFart]

Women being put into the emotional soother or therapist role is a common one, I think. I have certainly been here a lot. Your situation sounded overbearing indeed!

[@socorromeza1273]

Listening to you is so healing for me. I struggled with a lot of the issues you talk about and I know too well how to lie to myself, how to crap fit - I thought I had an above average imagination. I never realized it was due to the abuse I suffered as a young child. I dated several married men and I was always left feeling empty. It’s hurtful!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

That sounds hard! You're in the right place and we're so glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@vednobolje]

It's heartbreaking as well as comforting, in a way, to see I wasn't the only one in this kind of situation... Don't get me wrong, I don't wish it on anyone. It's just helpful to see it from an outsider's perspective. I know exatcly how Gwen is feeling, I've been there. And I get and agree with Anna's advice: just end the relationship, go no contact. There's nothing there for you, but pain and misery. At thus point it helps to label the men as cheaters and liars, because sometimes the cognitive dissonance can be to much to handle.. Even though they're feeling, thinking human beings, and cheating and lying does not make them a bad person - we have to watch out for making these truths into excuses. It doesn't matter how lonely and complex and devastating their situation is - it's their responsibility! And it is our responsibility to not get involved with people in relationships - not because it's morally wrong, but because it's harmful for us and everyone involved. Much love and hope you find the power to walk away. Even if you don't, it's just another harsh life lesson and maybe next time around you'll know how to protect yourself from harm.

[@stacyjaye6350]

When you get older, you'll feel guilty for the people that got hurt by your actions. It's called regret, the best way to avoid it is to monitor your day to day actions. And you might ask yourself why you have hours of free time? You're young, you should be doing stuff, working, going to school, interacting with people your own age. Good on you for writing in.👍☮️

[@KatarinaP81]

That man is just looking for his narcissistic supply, doctor Ramani talks about it in her videos. And I've been through a similar thing about a year ago, it lasted for a couple of months, strictly online, ended up in me apologizing to his wife once it became obvious she knew and mutual blocking. Made me completely loose my trust in men too, not sure if I'm ever going to trust them again in the context of a romantic relationship.

[@alysiaforde5368]

Yep, such an honest and accurate video. I wish I'd had someone to tell me this when I was younger

[@SuperSweetDom]

I wish I had you as a fairy Godmother growing up. Great advice. Thank u. To the 21 year old DONT WASTE YOUR PRECIOUS LIFE FORCE ENERGY! Ot will only damage u & he will still be with his wife because they have an contractual agreement. U will never find true happiness with someone who isn't 100% single/available to date. 💜🙏🏾💜

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for the kind words and for sharing support with our letter writer. We appreciate you! - Ashley, Team Fairy

[@Geeztown]

These videos give me so much clarity. It's not just guys that do this to women, women do it too. So glad you gave us the word bookmark to describe that behavior. I thought I was just being gas lighted by an emotionally confused person. But the more of these videos I see the more clarity I get about how badly I was really treated. I'm definitely not gonna let these nasty women bookmark me. It makes me mad. I wish there was more advice like this directed at guys. Most of the advice for guys either assumes you're an incel, or you want to become some kind of pick up artist. I've struggled with a lot of the cptsd stuff Anna talks about. I'm not an incel, I'm not interested in being a pickup artist either, I want to get married and build a life with someone. But because of my childhood, I've been attracted to narcissists and unavailable people, and people that don't really care about me, but just want to use me. Whoever is bookmarking someone is totally evil. I'm so sick of the head games. I'm almost at a point where I don't even want to talk to women because it triggers my past trauma. But I'm working through a lot of stuff now thanks to people like Anna.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

We love to hear from the men too, please feel free to write Anna bit.ly/CCF_Letters -The Fairy Team

[@ElmoBiotech]

Hang in there! Keep working on becoming just like the person you want to marry and they will show up. In the meantime, don’t get stuck with a wrong one, and Anna’s work really helps with that.

[@Koozomec]

GG Bro !

[@fiction589]

Anna's advice is true gold 💛

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you found it helpful. Appreciate you being here. - Ashley, Team Fairy

[@toyahbetheglory2140]

The excuse of "sex addiction" is sometimes (most times?) just code for "lack of integrity"... people like that try "hitching up" [emotionally-leading-to-physically] with anyone willing, so make a self-integtity boundary of not interfacing with people in relationships with someone else already. Stop being willing is the key🔑 don't let their lack of respect to self or others make you lose, or prevent you from growing, your own self respect. That cheaters are attracted to you is not the issue. The issue is you're currently not able to see that as a red flag big enough to act on decisively: best to heal that color-blind flag detector, you are worth it! Butterflies and danger can be confused with one another, so even our own emotions might be difficult to understand accurately. Sending Love (=Respect + Care) your way, letter writer ❤ Life is tough, but you've got this 💪

[@angelicapickles_]

Great comment

[@northofyou33]

I really don't think it's that conveniently simple. There are sex addicts, and they are in a lot of pain. It is almost certainly one of the ways people with unaddressed cptsd act out.

[@lizvtaz6]

@@northofyou33 Yeah, I know several of them. And weirdly enough if you are their friend and you always say "no" to sex with them, they love you more. They know that they are addicted and they are happy about the fact that someone just likes them as a person.

[@Plethorality]

Everyone attracts married men. Big whoop. Ignore them, or tell the wife. Give these creeps no place.

[@courtneyriane3304]

I never knew what bookmarking was until you explained it and now it makes so much more sense. And the “are you my dad” phenomenon as well. It’s sooo refreshing to watch your videos and God is using you because I have been facing this situation recently, it’s definitely not a coincidence that you addressed this situation and everything you said hit home for me. I wish I could give you huge hug and say thank you. I’ve still got some healing to do but that’s ok! :)

[@hermit.masteroflight5970]

"emotional affaire"? who are we kidding?. I as an almost 50 year old guy couldcnot care less about what a woman younger than 30 has to say. An emotional affaire is only possiblecif the two peoole have something to tell each other.. but I bet you that guy is just rolling his eyes about the things she is telling.

[@halcyondays8945]

Yes. I agree with you

[@robertah2353]

Really helpful Anna, thank you for this. As someone who didn’t meet their dad until they were 15 I’ve been attracted to a lot of older men who have been unavailable

[@carmadariacompaniona4181]

For me, a separated man is the same as a married man. Lots of men that I have met disagree. At the very least, I think they have lots of work to do before they are ready for a new relationship. Would you agree?

[@Maria7Maria]

This happened to me too. Yet another one on the cPTSD bingo list ✅ 😅 In my early to mid 20s I was in a relationship (or so I thought) with a man in his late 30s, who had an “ex” that he also had kids with. They had split up and he had his own house, but unknown to me for a while he’d got back with this ex and was planning to move back in. For 6 months he played both of us, even involving his kids by playing happy families and having me spend time with them etc. Having two houses to go back and forth between, two women, two families etc - I knew it was off but trauma and abandonment wounds prevented me from leaving, I’d ask him if he were cheating and he’d make me feel crazy, telling me it was all “in my head” etc etc etc. That old chestnut. It turned out it was even more than just us two. He was a sex addict who “could not control his behaviour”. PLEASE DO NOT give sex addicts a “pass” to treat people this way! He destroyed my life, my safety, sanity. He became incredibly sexually abusive, to the point of committing crimes and paying sex workers every other day.

[@gobears6487]

I have to admit I got really angry watching this video, and although I agree with Anna's point and why she was upset, my anger is different. I didn't write anything at the time I watched it because I was that off the handle angry! I got even more angry when something that relates to this happened to me the very next day. I have always attracted unavailable men but also always had the belief that I needed to shut them down. I have a theory, and maybe it's naïve in more ways than one, but I have always treated unavailable men as unavailable. But for many many years I was also so desperate for a relationship that my behavior with unavailable man was naïvely natural because I didn't think they were romantic potential! So the unavailable men always saw the more real or natural side of me than the available ones. What makes me really angry is that men have in my past when I was in my 20s - and still now that I am near 60 -behaved basically inappropriately. it just happened to me again the other day: a friend who I met with his partner initially stopped by to say hello at my invitation because I knew he was in the neighborhood. We had a nice friendly conversation and non-alcoholic beverage and he left. Then he started texting me how attracted he was to my energy and enthusiasm etc.! But he is taken, he lives with a partner! (FWIW I did NOT flirt because I'm not even attracted to him!) What makes me angry is that men have consistently told me that they're attracted to my energy and enthusiasm and it's always the married or partnered ones who shouldn't be behaving like this! Not only does it make me feel like I can't be myself around men and share any natural enthusiasm, but it makes me feel like I can't even have a friendship with a man! I have a few male friends who are platonic buddies, most whose wives are also good friends, but I'm certainly now shutting the door on any more.

[@tomtbi]

CPTSD, Asperger's, Traumatic Brain Injury,Anxiety and depression....ALL SUCK!!

[@louisaa144]

I have very bad CPTSD and I've been cheated on before but I'm still often the "other woman" and I actively pursue the men. Before being cheated on I was the other woman in my first ex's relationship, I was cheated on in the second, and since then I've been the "other woman" a few times. No more relationships for me. And the problem is...I don't care and for the life of me I don't understand why I just don't care. It's like emotionally I can't seem to care about his gf/wife being hurt or feel bad about it and idk why. I want to change because everyone hates this about me but I don't know where it comes from and why I don't care that it's hurting her, especially since I've been in that position before and it was completely devastating. My first and last relationship was the reason why I vowed to never be in a relationship again; he was not only emotionally abusive but also secretly gay and had an 8-month affair with a man. How do I start to care?

[@courtneymadison8869]

I think realizing it’s a problem is a good start. Good luck.

[@TheDsgrant79]

OMG! This is exactly my problem. The only men that are approach me are married

[@northofyou33]

Same here. And sometimes they try to convince me they are single in order to snare me. I fell for one once. He managed to hide his live-in girfriend for months. I think that some women do attract married men, and I don't think it is an easy problem to fix, since finding a good man is so difficult even when they're single!

[@franciscab8412]

Same here. Married man and man that could be my father and grandfathers. Shameless!!!

[@AT-dk9pv]

I'm so glad to know limerence wasn't something just I myself created in those situations. Bookmarkers are clearly narcissists too. Today years old to learn this term. Thought I was just boo boo the fool to catch all these feelings and stay caught in them, waiting quietly and hope-"ium"-fully for them to do what they said they'd like to do in our life one day. Mr. Potential, classic

[@ClandestineGirl16X]

I've been in this situation, though I have a dad he's just not present or interested. I ended up marrying a man 17 years older than me. We are still together but I'm seeing it now. I feel like I woke up

[@suzy1750]

I would also like to point out to Gwen that if this carries on and she does actually get sexually involved with this man - and, yes, it does sound like he's grooming her for sex - most of the anger and societal censure will fall on her when all this comes out . And it will come out, it always does. She is the one that most people will attack as a homewrecker. That may not be fair considering he is the one that actually cheated and is much older and knows better but, I promise you, it is the way it will be. And good luck expecting the guy to stand up for you - he is going to be more than willing to let you take the blame while he tries to weasel his way back into his partner's graces.

[@rachaelmacnair7133]

Yes thank you Anna! I love how you gave this writer tough love, I needed it too lol! It helped me see I don't want to be an immoral person and just don't want to hurt other people.... period 👍💗💗💗

[@bri7625]

I now realize it is CPTSD because I wondered why adopted people didn’t struggle as much as I did or why I didn’t relate to them as much as I thought I would. It wasn’t being adopted that was the trauma it was all the trauma that came with being in an unsafe environment. If that makes sense.

[@rachellerockel]

Yep!

[@elizetta89]

Dear Anna, sadly I cannot express properly how grateful to you I am. Your videos managed to give me a "gentle slap" to wake me up in what I believe was my lowest moment. I don't know if you are a Terminator movie fan, but you really felt like a Kyle Reese saving me from T-800 in the night club scene (hope it doesn't sound too weird :D). Thank you so so much.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You are so welcome!

[@Sophieluxpetite]

One important thing (out of literally billions) that Anna has taught me is - “there is plenty of ….”. A year back -- even to imagine that there can be plenty of love to go around, or that there can be plenty of good people who are secure and stable and available to love - would have been dire IMPOSSIBLE for me. Thank you and God bless you and your family, Anna for helping many of us to even have the courage to believe that there is another door, that there is another person. I now can testify that there is plenty of.. everything that you want is outside of the negative boundaries of beliefs that Childhood-PTSD and our negative reinforcements have established over the period of our lives. I pray Jesus gives everyone the knowledge and wisdom to see clearly/recognise/not justify/change all the Childhood-PTSD limitations. What happened to us was a one time event- rest of the time we have been enacting from the same “trauma brain” paradigm/patterns/programs which helped us survive. You don’t have to live that way. You can change it - there could never be another mom or dad. But there is plenty of…everything else in love.

[@EveBombole]

Amen 👏🙏

[@EricaFrotaF]

Dear Anna, I wish I had seen this video back when I was 20. But I know it's never to late to be aware of such things. Thank you for all the sensible knowledge on Human dynamics that you give to us.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

It's never too late! Sending you ALL the support and encouragement. - Ashley, Team Fairy

[@rubylily9671]

Oh...here goes Anna reading my mind again! Wow

[@MiuMiuG]

I think you've just described my life and relationships

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

So glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@smodeLL]

needed to hear this

[@alfreire72]

I have a connection with a taken man. I am still really attract to him but I am not in limerence, fortunately. This is only infatuation. And I know this a reminiscent of my relationship with my father. I am really happy with myself because I don't chase him, I don't fantasy. Although he says his marriage is over. They all say that, right? This kind of relationship will dissolve because I have a really rich life and your videos help me a lot... But I wonder if I really want a monogamic relationship?

[@PaigeSquared]

My ex husband specifically requested "are you my mama," as a book to get for our son, because it was "one of his favorites." I thought that was *tragic,* especially considering his mom was pressured to give him up (she was partying a lot) and he was adopted by an aunt who was overly strict and controlling. I only read it to my kid maybe once, and it just broke my heart. Out of all the books......ugh. My son and I have a PFA for my ex now. His total denial of my experience seriously reshaped my understanding of how the human mind functions. His wounds were too deep, nothing I did or said could change his trajectory. Eventually I just had to get him away from us. It was like he thought his little wife and toddler were malicious figments of his imagination, he became so paranoid and upset. As if we weren't real people, he believed he could behave however he wanted and we would not leave without his permission.

[@sarahlovesdogs49]

Your blouse is so beautiful! It suits you very well🥰

[@fwebster6226]

Well said Anna 👏

[@deborahwalker1208]

"All kinds" come out of the woodwork. If he's cheating on his wife, he'll cheat on you, honey and you'll be abandoned all over again. Learning to set boundaries takes time and practice. I've learned to love myself first and foremost. Good news is that healing is possible.

[@iomoonwalker]

I've been all three characters too, Anna... Your own healing gives me a lot of hope. Thank you *so* much for this. And, absolutely spot-on advice in this video.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for your kind words! So glad the videos are helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@Analysis_Paralysis]

I love, love, love this advice! Also, great to know that this manipulative and insidious behavior is called "bookmarking".

[@aNnAkt1qw]

This is GOLD, because its the truth 💗

[@JaceFalcon]

Please bring back your pencil scribbling. While reading. So soothing and comforting to listen to

[@KishBish]

i have a feeling she stopped bc ppl were complaining about it 😏 I enjoyed it too

[@roselereau6981]

I lost 3 years of my life to this. Please listen to her.

[@mjaye1712]

When I was the writer's age, I came across a good number of married men or men in live-in relationships looking for young women who would be flattered by their attention and "stability," comparing the latter to guys their own age. It is a road to nowhere. Hopefully, the writer can heed Anna's advice, heal, and thrive.

[@judybinnie2745]

I wish your channel was around 20 years ago. But alas better late than never. Thanks for your videos. x

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm glad you're here now! We're so happy to have you. -Calista@TeamFairy

[@valerieconnell2962]

The only response to a married man… Call me when your divorce is finalized.

[@tinylittle1]

I think you can absolutely have married friends that you chat with and grow a great friendship with! But that's not what THIS is, though. He's just bored and looking to score some top-shelf attention from her.

[@Anonymousz2848]

I absolutely love your channel. Just minutes into watching a video i felt completely better. I need advice on delusions. I haven’t been diagnosed with delusional disorder but I been told by people close to me that they think I have few symptoms. Its hard for me not to believe that there are famous people that know me and stalk me. everytime I follow a popular person on social media I feel & see signs that they already know who I am. Whenever I explain this to someone they think I’m insane. I need help and think you would be the best person to break this down to me. ❤

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

What you are describing is a known thing. Yes, it's a delusion and professional help is important!!!

[@Anonymousz2848]

Ok, Thank you for response!! ❤❤❤

[@swim610]

I'm getting distance from a man who did this to me and every female in his life. It has been very triggering.

[@Him_He_Me]

Despite all my disgusting bad choices most of my life, l have at least kept one of my boundaries not to go near either a married man or a taken person. Over the years lve had attention from married people but l have actually told them to back off or l'll tell their wife. That's the last straw kind of thing, if they wont leave me alone l would tell their wife. l think it only happened a few times, so at least l can be proud of that thing. 😐

[@yuk498]

Aah! Same here. I told husband of a fren who invited to meet without her, that if makes an offer like that again, I will set him up! Hahaha.

[@5gx673]

I felt sad to read your comment. You're here to heal so you have a lot to be proud of. Not everyone is self aware, that's something to be proud of too. Hope you can forgive and encourage yourself as time goes on ❤️

[@aditijatkar7699]

Girl you have to stop stop now! I replayed that a few times. I wish someone had told me when I was 18. Now it might be too late. I am 36 and alone.

[@lindaharford6988]

Don't lose hope. Let love find you. You are on the right path, just being here.

[@MrErik052005]

Girl, you are 36. You ain’t dead. Learn from your past. Have an idea of what you expect in a relationship. Live your best life. Once you learn to love yourself, life only gets better.

[@robertah2353]

Bless you ❤️

[@peaceofmindofpeace1650]

I wish I had YT as a teenager, or being taught at school about manipulators, emotional abuse etc. since not all parents teach their kids how to manage relations and protecting yourself, even when we can't control all risks in life, ut would give young ppl a mental toolbox. They are teaching kids about saying no nowadays but there is so much more that we may encounter psychologically.

[@lizvtaz6]

Calm down, you are only 36

[@dragonwithagirltattoo598]

I’m married but the men who are attracted to me only want one thing from me. They won’t ever get it but I do attract creeps.

[@lisacurtis8162]

Oh my God . I'm so upset because the 'are you my mother ' made me think of how my son must have felt when I wasn't (emotionally there for him ) during some parts of his growing up. My heart is broken.

[@bunrisl]

Dear C Fairy: Your integrity and clarity and saying like it is is, so so so necessary these days..hope-ium is such as addictive drug.

[@AT-dk9pv]

hope-ium. Oh man. You just said something right there

[@dlight2669]

He's fishing and he's throwing out the bait to see what she's going to do and because she refuses but she still talks to him he keeps throwing it out and he's hoping that one day she's going to bite. Also she's feeding his ego and that's why he keeps coming back for more and more. Guaranteed he does this to other women and other women, this is his style to feed his ego. There's a whole mess of men out there that just love to get the ego fed online they go to dating apps that go on Facebook they all kinds of places just to get attention.

[@susanbarker5099]

He's a liar and a user. Love it. That's what we should think when any one unavailable tries it on!!

[@sitisuryani5276]

Please talk about bookmarking Anna🤗

[@northofyou33]

So what about European men who are accustomed to having affairs, and whose wives know about it. Is it ethically wrong if it's culturally accepted and there isn't any lying? I mean, sure, people get hurt, but people get hurt in love all the time, with or without third party issues. I live in Europe and all of this has become even more confusing to me since moving here. I, unfortunately, believe anyone can love more than one person at a time, myself included. And currently I really don't want a man with me 24/7.

[@roslynhawkins1475]

You make excellent points. I think married people are very biased on this subject so they aren't going to see any other perspective. I can't blame them because I felt pretty much the same about affairs when I was married. I have a good friend who's single and has been seeing a married man for 4 years. It's not just sex, they have dates, hang out together, he knows her kids, they are there for each other emotionally as well. I asked her how she she continue this and what she told me is that every relationship is unique and people may find the right person for them at the wrong time. She also said that she likes having her own space and time so she's not interested in a full time relationship and insists she's happy. I don't judge. If it works for them, it works for them.

[@niebieskimotyl3308]

Maybe talking to the wife would help? Still I think there's plenty of single people to have sex with. Also, if there are kids in the family it may be hurting them

[@danitiwa]

Idk what country you live in but I’m from three European nations and none of them accept infidelity as remotely good or normal

[@northofyou33]

@@danitiwa Southern Europe. I know so many people here who have cmplicated marriages. It's not for me to judge, imo. I have a married man in love with me, and he wanted me to meet his wife and children. IDK.

[@northofyou33]

@@niebieskimotyl3308 Sure. There are plenty of men to have sex with. But love is something else.

[@carmadariacompaniona4181]

What do you mean by "no involvement with other women" (at about 17:47)? Can they have female friends? Platonic ones? Old girlfriends? Work buddies turned bar buddies? Exercise buddies?

[@halcyondays8945]

She means romantic involvement

[@dlight2669]

Also it sounds like her mother was controlling controlling the information that she would not give her daughter about the father and probably my guess controlled access to the father. When you grow up with a controlling mother and no father that just lays perfect ground down for a woman to end up with controlling and co-dependent relationships.

[@Captain_MonsterFart]

Is it me, or has 'limerance" changed definition on this channel? I thought it was about having a love-fantasy that probably isn't real, where you look for special 'signs' that the person is into but probably in reality doesn't even notice you. I feel like lately it has come to simply mean "attraction" or "crush".

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I think the letter writer may have used the word that way.

[@johnjohnstone9805]

I'm seeing my relationship patterns as mostly unconscious, bothers me greatly I don't want to go through my entire life feeling alone, but I don't want an another unconscious relationship, they definately lead over a cliff. I'm Trying to raise my level of consciousness. I just wondered if you were raised by narcissists or emotionally immature parents there would be no requirement for develop conscious relationships in fact I suspect they would be actively discouraged. If my hypothesis true that would make me explain my difficulty and make me feel better about this situation, cause the guilt has been eating me up.I mean there was forces here at work here that I couldn't see or understand It's not just because I'm defective pure and simple.

[@jadegreen1554]

8:27 short text to end it.

[@aciddiver1978]

Now i understand why some young women tend to go after men 20-30 years older.

[@if7363]

15:19 poly and non-monogamous are biased themselves. It's unrealistic illussion that serves only them not the partner and is also a sign of unhealed trauma.

[@MsCaterific]

💛

[@lisa8990]

I am just like her, I only attract married men, they say oh we are just together for the kids, since realizing my worth I know I am better than that but sometimes they are hard to resist when you're lonely. I am trying to fight this. I didn't have a dad either he was killed when I was 7. I feel like I am putting out energy just like Gwen.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@im19ice3]

when people are clear bullets, u gotta do your best to dodge that! its out of your control to turn a bullet into an innocuous object, if what they're doing is morally dubious thats enought to judge them as such.

[@starr8111]

15:00

[@starr8111]

17:50

[@NettieKay]

For myself it’s emotionally unavailable men. I am the giver and there have been times when I really cling to it even when they have treated me very poorly. I’d like to know why I cling to things that are so incredibly unhealthy for me. Why would I even want someone in my life that is so negative? I can’t decide if I’m that lonely or if it’s limerance.

[@NettieKay]

Or maybe I’m on a quest to prove myself

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

That's a really common pattern in CPTSD, getting involved with emotionally unavailable people, being emotionally unavailable ourselves ,,, or both! A great way to start getting in touch with your true self is with the free Daily Practice: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice For general insight as to why (very possibly trauma), the Healing CPTSD course is a great foundation. bit.ly/CCF_HCPTSD To look deeper at issues with romance, Anna has a full Dating & Relationships course: bit.ly/CCF-Dating Julie@TeamFairy

[@karenlewkowitz5858]

" Go back to your wife " - straightforward, no emotion, I do not feed these child-men with lingering eye contact, attention, etc. Glad Anna said it straight-up. So many guys are like this. Superficial charm, driven by conquerung another vagina. Yes, vagina, as they have no real interest in the person - although it may give an apprearance of so at first.. just a game. Don't play it. Waste of time and energy. Practise when young, as this continues for a lifetime. I am in my 60s.

[@Whatnok]

❤

[@Vonne292]

If they cheat with you they'll cheat on you. It's a dead end. Tell him maybe when he gets divorced if your still free

[@starr8111]

👋

[@starr8111]

7:20

[@starr8111]

9:25

[@starr8111]

13:20

[@ashleysalazar2012]

Eww. I will say, I'm not a beauty queen or perfect but I do attract good men.

[@myportal8512]

If her doubt in this man is based on daddy issues, what about the married man? Does he have mommy issues? Why is it about the parents of the adults in the situation? Just own it!

[@gayu8695]

Can’t have a dad so we look for a daddy 😪

[@dr.redphdleasurestudies.5399]

In her defense, men who have wives that provide for their emotional needs... 🤷

[@kibbecapsule7571]

If he didn't communicate his emotional needs to her, then it's on him, not her. If he did and she refuses to act on it, then he should first end the relationship before entertaining another one. I get what you, I have felt pity for many married men because their wives clearly don't care. BUT they're in a relationship. Going there is unjustifiable. If I feel tempted, I think about how it would make me feel if I was the wife, and I réalisé that by putting me in that position, the man would have his needs met while my needs would get ignored (exclusivity, morality, non secrecy, commitment,...).

[@tomtbi]

She could be labeled a homewrecker too!!

[@toyahbetheglory2140]

@@dorisbove2210 the original post says "could be", as in, it's an added danger if she behaves in a certain way: that society and/or human nature will judge behaviors: "if the shoe fits", people pull out the label maker. The intent doesn't seem to be to *call* her a -homewrecker-, just that it will be viewed that way, so be prepared with the big-girl panties if you walk that path.

[@myportal8512]

Sounds like the married man is wrecking his home just fine on his own.

[@toyahbetheglory2140]

@@myportal8512 💯 exactly! Yet the social blow-back usually falls on the women involved for some illogical reason 🤔

[@santafilipina9020]

You become one if you participate. Just don't play the game if a married person tries to reel you in and you'd be the loser on the score board.

[@northofyou33]

This term infuriates me. The married man is the one wrecking his home He just managed to find a victim.

[@NB-yu4lj]

Women like men who already have a woman , makes him more “qualified”. I’m sure the same woman has many unmarried men to chose from, yet she chooses him.

[@lizvtaz6]

What is this misogyny?

[@NB-yu4lj]

@@lizvtaz6you don’t like truth

[@lizvtaz6]

@@NB-yu4lj more like I don't know women who are like that.

[@NB-yu4lj]

@@lizvtaz6 yes it’s easy for you to lie online

[@lizvtaz6]

@@NB-yu4lj All I can say is I feel really sorry for you, if you are so dissapointed in women that you are convinced that everyone who says they know a lot of good women is lying. I am a lesbian myself, my friend. Know way better than you do.