Discovering I am autistic | Feeling different, lonely & lost | Raw emotional update PART 1

[@charlierewilding]

I have nothing to add this week other than that I am sending SO much love to those of you also going through this process of self-discovery ❤❤❤ If you feel comfortable, perhaps you could introduce yourself in the comments and share a bit about your experience too... I think it would be wonderful to see a comment section full of people supporting each other in unchartered waters 🥲 Charlie xxx

[@kikijewell2967]

Just discovering your channel, and loving it so far! My kid self-diagnosed, and my reaction was, "but everyone is like that!" And they said, "mama, I think you're also autistic, and so are all of your friends!" 😅 Good kid! At the start of the pandemic, I got COVID, which threw me into menopause and Long COVID, and my husband left - the entire pandemic was a nasty, painful divorce fight. (Last stragglers of paperwork being exchanged even now, 4 years later.) And now facing autistic burnout, and general skills regression... ...and figuring out who I am, who I've been all these years. I worked at Pixar, built a massive Burning Man project, made neon and plasma art, cocktail Robotics, hacked my junkyard Tesla into a mobile Victorian Tea Parlor.... Yeah, autistic focus, doing insane things to draw people's attention away from being strange. Wide-eyes are easier than side-eyes. Being an autistic parent was a terrible journey. I needed so much support that I didn't have, and less media and society's models and expectations that did not pan out. I fought too much to make my kid mask, as I had. It ruined us both. We're both recovering. It's ongoing, confusing, and affects my ability to make a living and support this new family structure. Anyway, you wanted my story! :)

[@all1soul]

I love you. You are a blessed blessing to our world.

[@marcusaurelius49]

Coming to the realisation that you are neurodiverse is a rollercoaster. It strips away everything you thought you knew while also explaining so many of the struggles you have faced in life.

[@dambigfoot6844]

Coming to the realization also means you can utilize the resources which are ASD specific. Books, questions you had that have been answered, tips from other ASD people.

[@finpark7785]

@@dambigfoot6844 Absolutely. It is actually amazing learning about more of this, it literally feels like I'm just finally finding my brain's "owner's manual" after a lifetime of trying to figure out what the issues were.

[@Shaun_rennycinq]

Neurodivergence, then figuring out most of your life evolves around trauma coping mechanisms because you also have Complex ptsd

[@eltrym]

I am 59 Charlie, female, English, mother of two grown children, wife and housewife, living in Spain. I go for my initial assessment at the end of this month. I feel the exact same way as you but I only really have the support of my husband and I'm feeling pretty resentful and hurt with that reality. The response I'm getting from family and friends is that they either don't believe me, don't understand or aren't really interested. I've been making notes and answering to questions of the DSM-5 and I've got pages and pages of evidence to support my theory. But I'm still so unsure of myself and I don't know how to navigate life given this new perspective. I've just subscribed to your channel and I'll watch all your videos in the hope that you can inspire me to have hope in what feels like a hopeless situation.

[@finpark7785]

Honestly though, if it wasn't for all of the social deficits that come from being traumatized from living in a predominantly neurotypical society as an undiagnosed person w/ ASD, I would think neurodivergence is a gift, maybe even a superpower... I love who I am, my passions, how I view the world, how accepting I am, my perspectives, and the way I think (most of the time), I just wish I didn't feel impostor syndrome in every aspect of my life, I wish I could accept that people really love me, I wish I didn't feel so uncomfortable around my own family, I wish I didn't constantly feel like a background character in my own life, and the anxiety and depression certainly doesn't help. Watching videos like this is the only thing that is helping me deal with this identity crisis I'm going through right now, I don't feel quite so alone. Thank you.

[@jessbeer8276]

Having just received my diagnosis today, autism & ADHD, I returned to this video series to cope with the overwhelm I'm feeling post-diagnosis. This was the first thing I thought of when the gravity of the situation hit me and I realised that diagnosis isn't going to change how I function - it's up to me to do that now, affirmed in the knowledge that, as my psychiatrist said, my suspicions are confirmed.

[@charlierewilding]

❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@kikijewell2967]

I've been saying the process for late diagnosed people is likely like this: 1) at some point, the person reaches a point of collapse that they try to overcome, and can't seem to pull things together this time. They always had before. 2) as a problem solver, they seek medical assistance to help this time. 3) doctor says, "you're autistic, and you're experiencing autistic burnout." 4) person says, "great! So can I get meds to get me back to that amazingly productive self again?" 5) doctor says, "nope. There's nothing we can do. Take time off and rest for a few months." 6) parent and/or breadwinner....panics. _Skills Regression_ is a thing! It's the moment when diagnosis throws all your tools for coping into question, and you have to pick up all the pieces, all the tools, all the masks and ask which ones helped you survive, and which ones contributed to the collapse. And that process itself contributes more to that collapse.

[@Bwana_Productions]

I am 57 and was just officially diagnosed. When I was young I knew there was something wrong with me and felt alone in my search for what it was. Unfortunately, a family member told me I was a hypochondriac, which is when I learned how to mask. Now that I understand what was different. (Not wrong.) I have started rethinking my life and am now beginning to understand my life experiences in the reference of autism.

[@Rinzler.14]

I was 40.5 years old when I was diagnosed and assessed to be autistic. My life struggles have been very hard and sometimes traumatic, but now I know I am so much better off. I’ve learned to love myself and embraced who I am. If others don’t like me for who I am or what I do it’s their problem, and I won’t given them the time off day because I am over being hurt by toxic people. Most importantly I know that I am a good person, I might be different, in the way my brain is wired but I am not less. It took me far too long to figure this out I only wish I would have know sooner.

[@Rinzler.14]

Known

[@charlierewilding]

Your message is so wonderful to read, thank you for sharing it! These are lessons I am working on embodying every day now that I understand why I am the way I am. To hear that you are doing better now you know who you truly are, despite hardship and trauma you've been through, is so so inspiring. Keep being awesome. ❤

[@laurenoverton8837]

Thank you for sharing. I am also 40.5, and currently seeking a diagnosis. It is so helpful to hear others’ stories, and success once on the other side.

[@Rinzler.14]

@@laurenoverton8837 Good luck with your assessment. I wish you all the best in trying to understand yourself better.

[@SB_McCollum]

59

[@HappyHoney41]

60 years old here, and just figured it out. It is a relief. Always felt different and didn't know why. Could not figure out why everyday simple things can be so difficult for me to do.

[@tamalaursa]

I just got my official diagnosis today. The way you are telling your story feels like I would say it. I'll watch the rest of these just so I can see that I am not alone in this. Not alone in being diagnosed at 31.

[@LinnyThePersistent]

I'm 41, almost 42, and I'm right now where you were in this video. Thank you so much for sharing, and it does help me feel not quite so alone!

[@Shikelya]

I cannot put into words how important it was to see you talk about it and show your emotions. I'm also 30 years old, female and in the process of finding out about my neurodivergence and this is helping a LOT. Beating myself up for burning out over and over again is something I struggled with most of my life and just like you said - I finally found the reason for being different and I am able to let go of the shame now. It's a process but it is one of the most important processes of my life I think. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. Sending lots of love and acceptance your way.

[@charlierewilding]

Oh I am so happy that this has helped you and, likewise, it really helps me to know that you are also at a similar stage of the process and experiencing similar hurdles. Thank you for sharing part of your story with me, and I could not agree more that we are going through a life-changing process (for the better in many respects, even though it is hard to see that at times). Sending love and acceptance right back to you. ❤

[@MissKatieJaneRigglar]

I am 27 years old and autistic as I’ve been diagnosed with it ever since I was 3 years old 🥰 and I am proud to be autistic 🥲

[@1HorseOpenSlay]

I feel like the best part of being on the spectrum is the ability to become completely into a hoppy or subject. We can Excell far beyond a lot of people because we are so driven to learn about specific things. My house may be disorganized, and I may have a crippling meltdown after a day at work. I may not be able to have normal conversations, but I do have horses, and am an incredible artist. Also enjoy geology and rock hounding immensely. My life is a lot more satisfying in many ways than the average person 🌞

[@charlierewilding]

I've been thinking about your comment since I read it yesterday! Thank you for sharing the light and love of autism, because I would say that the joy I find in my hobbies and interests is one of the top 3 things that makes me the happiest in life. I love how you phrased this ❤️

[@katedhotman9282]

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Every word you said. This has been my journey for the past 3 months, and I'm currently in the middle of my professional assessment. ALL the same thoughts and feelings, the identity crisis, the imposter syndrome, the wondering, "How did we miss this all these years???" All my life I just thought I was crap at life, and a bad person. Never able to maintain healthy relationships and always feeling baffled by people - like an alien without a guide book. Thoughts I'm having include: "What now?" What is my life going to look like for me going forward? I can't do a lot of things I used to do now that the mask has been ripped off (following an autistic burnout). Sensory overload leads to massive anxiety in public, even with family and friends, trying to do work, or even basic life admin, cooking, cleaning...everything is overwhelming. And it has felt incredibly lonely. the title of your video got my attention because these are the EXACT words I used recently when trying to describe how I feel: different, lonely and lost. Sharing your journey is so generous, and I'm so grateful for it. Please continue, I'll be listening. xxx

[@charlierewilding]

Wow Kate your message brings me close to tears! Reading it I am simply thinking "this is me". All of the hurdles you mention are hurdles I am facing too - like, to a tee! The autistic burnout, the regression, the inability to put the mask back on, the overwhelm... It feels like a constant uphill struggle. I am so grateful to you for sharing in return; I hope that you are feeling the same as me right now - that, at least, there are others in this world who see what you are going through and 'get it'. I am sending you so much love and support on your journey and the best of luck with your professional assessment - I really hope it is a validating experience for you ❤

[@katedhotman9282]

@@charlierewilding thank you! Means a lot ♥️ Out of interest, what brand of noise canceling headphones are you using? I'd ideally like to get some noise cancelling ear plugs rather, something discreet... apparently there's ones that still let in some sound so you can have conversations with people if you need to. Have you checked out Yo Samdy Sam's channel? She's got some good videos too 🙂

[@vivtzka]

Thank you for sharing. I was diagnosed last week at 32 and i feel very alone (although i have a loving and supportive husband)

[@charlierewilding]

Check out my Substack to join our community of mainly lat-dx folk (we have a group chat) if you'd like to find people who are going through similar journeys 🥰💖

[@tinamancusi8094]

I just turned 46 years old and due to struggling through the worst “depression” of my life, have come to the same conclusion. I too have always felt just like you, like an alien that didn’t belong. I am at the very beginning of this journey with this possibility and because I have been in what I now know is “autistic burnout or regression” for almost 2 years it is even more difficult. Thank you for sharing, you are so not alone. Sending love ❤️

[@charlierewilding]

I am so sorry you've been going through a really difficult time Tina ❤Realising it is autistic burnout or regression in my case has been both liberating in developing self-compassion but also, as you say, makes things all the more difficult. I really hope that you obtain the answers and validation you need. Thank you for sharing your story, and I'm sending you lots of love and support ❤

[@lanamaceachern3097]

Hi Charlie. I'm glad I stumbled upon this video. Finding others like me makes me feel like part of a community and of belonging somewhere. I realized a year ago that I was autistic and was formally diagnosed four months ago at age 48. I was diagnosed with ADHD at the same time. I'm still figuring out how my brain works, what I need in order to be healthy and whole, and what my authentic self looks like after decades of masking. The best thing that has come out of this journey so far is that I am becoming kinder to myself. I have more compassion for myself. I try to give myself grace. I hope that is happening for you, too. ❤

[@chillwinstonuk]

Charlie. No words - the world needs more brave and beautiful humanbeings like you. Well done

[@N4BWR]

Thank you for this. I am going to be watching your other videos. Just about two weeks ago, I discovered autism as a possibility and have spent every waking hour since then doing research. I have come to the conclusion that I am autistic, and this video resonates with me so much. It was a giant relief to figure it out, just like it was when I got a formal diagnosis for a nonverbal learning disorder. It's also confusing and overwhelming and a grief process at realizing I have spent 42 years living a life that was not my own. Watching this video gave me the idea to start recording videos of my thoughts and maybe giving myself a birthday present on July 1 by publishing them and starting the new life.

[@katypie]

I feel like I’m watching a video of myself. I’m 42 and just found out a few weeks ago that I have autism and adhd. After 24 years of being unsuccessfully treated for depression and anxiety. Thank you for putting into words what it literally racing through my mind. I about to binge all your vids and hope it makes my journey less terrifying ❤

[@isabellammusic]

Hi Charlie! It feels very good to se other new KZbinrs who talks about being Autistic! I recently started my channel and we are going through a similar journey. I discovered I'm Autistic at 37 and I felt a desire to share my story so I just followed my intuition and it's scary! I'm looking forward to hearing more about your life!

[@justrob4433]

I am an African American male (35) officially diagnosed with autism, ADD and depression today. I am 5:47 minutes into your video and you voiced my exact thoughts and concerns. The world looks different now if that makes any sense? Anyway, before I continue the rest of the video. Thank you. Your testimony thus far is comforting and enlightening.

[@alanbarnes4991]

I just want to honor your strength here for a moment. To share this video, when you are at a low point and incredibly vulnerable is beyond courageous. Our son was diagnosed at 8 years old, and for a while as a teenager he was angry with us for telling him, but I couldn't let him go through his teenage years not understanding why he is so amazing at some things, and why he struggles at others. Thank you so much for your willingness to share this message, because all of us need to be better at understanding ourselves, whatever our level of neurodivergence is. Looking forward to more of your work. I think you are going to be amazing.

[@charlierewilding]

Thank you for your incredibly kind comment Alan, and for sharing about your journey with your son too. To know is not always easy, especially as a teenager i imagine, but i believe it is paramount to being able to tap into self-compassion and to have the courage to lean into one's strengths.

[@AllisonCrow]

I am 52..and was diagnosed at 51 - it is world changing in the most uncomfortable and confusing and enlightening and now everything makes sense but is also sad at the same time. thank you for sharing your story. Shortly after my diagnosis, I had another health problem that took all my attention for 6 months - and so I'm back to gently, softly learning about my own autistic self.

[@finpark7785]

I'm 43, Self diagnosed after months and months of research, waiting for my formal assessment appointment. After listening to late diagnosed ASD adults, I'm surprised how our experiences are so similar to one another. It's a very confusing state of existence for me right now. One thing that rings true, I feel for most us... The autism diagnosis is simultaneously an awareness of who we are and an identity crisis.

[@toriotero2175]

This really resonates…I always thought my difference was something I could fix as well and it’s an ongoing struggle to accept I can’t. I think for me that imposter syndrome reflects my not wanting to accept this new reality xx

[@waynecoles4059]

Thank you so much for this video. Two weeks ago my wife suggested to me that I may be autistic. Aged 49 I am now about to take the assessment and learn more about why I have seen the world so differently for so long, much to the frustration of myself and those who love me.

[@QuirkyKerrie]

I just found out I am autistic at 57. It has been hard but finally knowing has helped.

[@charlierewilding]

❤️❤️❤️

[@murtazaarif6507]

It is not only difficult for those who get diagnosed later in life with Autism Spectrum but also for those that struggle to provide enough information about their childhood at an assessment, which is the reason why many people do not get an official diagnosis when they should, and they continue struggling in society. I saw a psychiatrist in 2014 through my GP. The psychiatrist wrote a report stating that I have Asperger-related traits, which is why I continue to struggle in all areas of my life. My GP accepts this as good enough. He has issued letters in the past stating that I was diagnosed with Asperger's Spectrum. Nowadays he issues sick notes stating Asperger's Syndrome. However, it is not an official diagnosis, which is what I am seeking. I am now on a two-year NHS waiting list for an official diagnosis of Autism Spectrum. I was told that I will need to bring somebody such as a family member or friend to talk about my childhood at the assessment. However, that is impossible for me. So, they told me I will need to know enough about my childhood and talk about it at the assessment. I am good at this because I have developed my own techniques using overheard family conversations about me, childhood photos, school reports, and my senses to explore and remember my childhood, which I have documented in chronological order. I hope this technique can help others too. I am seeking an official diagnosis because I am reaching a dead-end point in my life. I am tired of trying and failing all my life. I need help now more than ever. I am confident that an official diagnosis will help me, and others understand me better. It will also protect me legally in the community and workplace. I am a single 47-year-old who never had a girlfriend in his life and struggles to seek independence and live with his parents and has problems at home, community, and in my social life, which I do not have or understand, and in the work environments where I continue to struggle to hold onto jobs.

[@charlierewilding]

Thank you for sharing your story and I'm so sorry for the challenges you are facing with seeking to obtain a formal diagnosis. The waiting times are unacceptable, and the issues with providing evidence from childhood surely need to be addressed - not least because those in our position need help, not to be under additional burden and stress of having to work out the system and find ways of proving our lived experiences. I also felt that I needed the validation of a formal diagnosis, and hope you are able to obtain one.

[@murtazaarif6507]

@@charlierewilding Thank you. Yes, I hope so too.

[@louforman2540]

I have just been referred for assessment at 43. I'm so glad I have found your channel, Charlie. Having someone who I can relate to is so reassuring.

[@sirtom23]

I totally relate to this. Thank you for sharing. I have just started my journey as a 34 year old man. I have recently been diagnosed with innatentive ADHD which has led me to realise I have so many autistic traits as well. I have struggled so much through life with mental health issues and social connection. I am slowly discovering I've been masking my whole life and have no real sense of who I am. This is all so daunting but finding people like you has really helped me feel less alone. Here's to the journey!

[@cindifourie5137]

This is exactly exactly how I feel. I was formally diagnosed 5 months ago at the age of 25. The emotional rollercoaster it has been is something I could have never imagined. It feels good to discover why you've been different your whole life. And it's a beautiful thing to discover your traits and become mindful of your autism. It's been a tough process educating people and disclosing my ASD to say the least. Definitely been alienated and discouraged. But all in all our autism is a superpower. Thank you for sharing your journey. It makes me feel a little less alone

[@whathappenedtoearth6495]

Thank you so much for these video's... It would be doubly hard having been misdiagnosed instead of asd as a female. I'm male, but after 20 years of misdiagnosis, got diagnosed adhd - combined subtype about 9 months ago, and diagnosed asd lvl 2 a few days ago (40 years of age now). I'm so grateful for coming across your channel and these videos in particular. I Also feel so alone right now. You're a beautiful human being to share such a personal part of your soul/life with the world. Yeah, learning to unmask is really confronting, but at least I'm closer to my authentic self that I've never fully known, so it's a good thing, even though the journey comes with anguish; at least there's the knowledge that it won't hurt this bad forever (I'm living in hope of this anyway). Self-compassion and self-hugging are my jam right now! We CAN be our own best friend once we know who the heck we are and that we're not sub-human. Oh the gaslighting we've all been through... Severe burnout? Sounds like you've been through the ringer, as I also have. It sucks.

[@lightunfolding33]

Very touching video - thank you so much for sharing! I know it can be challenging to share something so private, but it definitely helps others who are walking the same path (like me). I have been feeling for years that I have a brain that is neurodivergent and that I might be on the Autism spectrum. I have my initial consultation next week to see if what I've been experiencing should be tested for Autism or maybe something else (ADHD, sensory processing disorder, executive function disorder, etc...), and I'm feeling everything from nervous to excited. I wish you the best of luck as you walk this path to uncovering your true self, and thank you again for sharing your journey.

[@charlierewilding]

Thank you so much for sharing a piece of your journey with me Courtney. I really hope that your initial consultation is a helpful & validating experience & that you get the support you need. I'll be rooting for you!! ❤️

[@lightunfolding33]

Thanks Charlie for your kind words! Have a good day. 😊

[@chrissame]

I have been diagnosed Autistic in 2018. I often fluctuate between the thought of it being Autism or just social anxiety. Purely because I don't have severe social deficits or sensory issues. However looking back on my life I see signs of some autistic traits there. I also had a lot of parental support on my behalf in dealing with situations, ( I would also script situations prior so as not to make a fool of myself) so my autism was subtle, I now wonder had I been dealing in situations on my own I would of burned out very easily. I don't relate to copying others to fit in, but I did mimic fictional characters, I wonder if this was my way of trying to "cope" in some ways. These days I have come far and am doing really well socially, Things are still challenging but not how they used to be.

[@bhe915]

I am 41 and going through the diagnosis process. I knew I was different at about age 9 or 10. Looking back it was clear at age 14. From what I wrote at about age 17 it was obvious. I wish you the best.

[@Imagination_lives]

Wonderfully done and wonderfully expressed. And to me, your eye contact is perfect! Don't change a thing.

[@VonniC-bv2ow]

Hi ❤. I am 55 and thoroughly burnt out at work about the time that you made this video. I have been on a merry go round for years trying to work out what was wrong. I had the light bulb moment about 6 weeks ago. Just waiting on a formal diagnosis. I get it. The realisation that explains everything, but then the imposter syndrome sneaks in. I wonder who I am and what the future will be like. I wonder how I got to 55 without completely breaking. The diagnosis and knowledge will hopefully make life more manageable but don’t let it stop you from pursuing your future dreams. xx

[@cgm1624]

Thank you for sharing and verbalising all the things. Validation I feel is part of masking which is why it's so hard to 'fix' or not need. I'm 35 and awaiting formal diagnosis but this brought me to tears as I felt and connected to how you have experienced and will be continuing to experience life. Again thank you.

[@giorgiamaritano8009]

I’m 27 and I got diagnosed a month ago. I can totally relate to what you’re saying. That’s like listening to my own thoughts putted into words ❤ I’m now struggling because, like you said, I don’t know who I really am, but I know I’ll find a way somehow

[@charlierewilding]

Thank you for sharing Giorgia ❤️ It is a slow process to get to know ourselves again but I have every hope that we will learn to take care of our needs in the way we deserve. Sending you love and support!

[@darkamerika]

Thank you for sharing. I feel your pain as I realized at age 58 that I was autistic. Four years on, I'm still processing this information, but I can tell you that it does get much better. I found watching YT videos of talks by Dr. Tony Attwood, and by Sarah Hendrixx, to be especially helpful early on. Take care.

[@charlierewilding]

What a wonderfully reassuring message, thank you so much for taking the time to share it. I will check out the resources you shared and I'm sure others reading this comment section will be grateful to hear it gets better too ❤

[@harryjdkimber]

Thank you for sharing this and for being so articulate and honest about your journey leading up to receiving your formal diagnosis. This was so touching! 😊 It's incredibly reassuring to know that you're not alone once you find other likeminded individuals who experience the same struggles as you do.

[@charlierewilding]

Thank you for watching & for your kind message Harry! The editing of the blank stares and 'umming' took a long time but eventually I was happy to see a coherent message come through 😅 I agree - connecting with others in a similar position has made me feel seen and heard in a way I've never experienced before.

[@sdennis94_]

Can super relate to your thoughts . Going through a similar process. Appreciate the video , it’s a real help to see someone talking about these issues

[@kikijewell2967]

2:35 self assessment - note that in the US at least, diagnosis depends on 1) if there's loss of productivity (capitalism) 2) if there's treatment options. There's no such thing as diagnosis for understanding and general well-being. So successfully masking people (especially women who are culturally taught to fully mask) have no reason to diagnose from a medical standpoint. This is why self-diagnosis is not only valid, but crucial. The question isn't, *am I autistic or not?" but "what is it about autism that is helpful for me to understand myself?" If it's helpful, that's really all that matters. Otherwise no one wants to be autistic. (Edit: to be clear - no one wants the world to look at them as strange and broken. We want a diagnosis _because the world does look at us that way.)_

[@sakurabunnn_]

Beautifully said💗

[@harpreetsingh-fc3yd]

came to this video, cause I have been reading my old notes, and it makes me feel really sad. I am 30 now, who got to know that I may be autistic, or on the spectrum. I was told by my therapist, that she has strong intuition of me having Aspergers, and on the spectrum, and discovering that is really a rollercoaster for me. while it is the most validating thing I have been told, it also make me feel really sad for all the years I lost living life on hard mode, and I didn't know why. I literally wrote in my notes 8 years back - what it feels like to be me? you won't understand. Because you're normal, you're not viewed as weird, strange person, you're not called as emotionless, you're not called robotic, you're not called expressionless, why am I always mocked at, or laughed at, no one understands me, don't know how to express myself to others, wish I was like others, or normal All this time I knew I wasn't normal, but I thought I was just an introvert. I feel really sad for my old self who always thought I was just an introvert. All my adulthood, I was not lonely by choice, I was rather excluded for being different, cause making connections was not easy or normal to me. I was not lonely by choice..

[@ella1125]

I’m a 19 year old girl and I’ve suspected I’m autistic for a few years now, I even had a friend out of the blue suggest I was autistic, which ended our friendship as it made me really upset. But now I understand it made me upset because I knew it was true, it just hurt me that I obviously wasn’t masking it well enough 😢

[@cowsonzambonis6]

THANK YOU for sharing this!!! You’re definitely not alone! ❤❤❤

[@sopyleecrypt6899]

I’m almost 50, and my 8yo son was recently diagnosed as autistic. Over the last few years we have slowly come to realise he is autistic and… that he is very like me. Here I was thinking I was just an anxious, socially awkward, introverted, disorganised neurotypical woman with some odd habits and sensory sensitivities. Those periods in my life when I had a nervous breakdown, and suffered depression - autistic burnout from the effort of masking? My use of alcohol during my young adult life (now thankfully alcohol-free for many years) was my social coping mechanism. The realisation that I am almost certainly autistic, like my son, is actually a relief, and has helped me make sense of my life.

[@charlierewilding]

Oh I am so happy for you that this knowledge is helping you to make sense of it all and understand yourself in a way that allows self compassion and love! I often feel these moments of relief too, especially when I think back to my 20s and how many poor coping mechanisms I latched onto unknowingly (like alcohol, bad relationships etc). Good luck with your journey ❤️

[@allycatization]

I'm late to the party here but I'm on a very similar journey to you ❤ thank you so much for sharing your experience, it's so so helpful on so many levels ❤ (34 year old ♀️pre ADHD/autism diagnosis) I'm so glad I found your vids ☺️

[@Adryd08]

Couldn't relate more... i am 30 too, diagnosed two weeks ago, on november 14. This is crazy. Relief, strange sadness, loneliness, even doubts... that's so much to process and i feel so lonely although my partner is helping me to cope with everything. I already knew i had generalised anxiety disorder but it was not enough to explain all the suffering, the paranoia, the constant analysis of everything... Not working anymore since april, after massive panick attacks, not the first ones... but this time, there was this huge "NO MORE" that i heard myself saying outloud while crying and suffocating in the toilet because i couldn't print a simple doc or answer the damn (!!!) phone anymore. I had no choice to take that NO MORE into account. Best thing i've ever done. So here I am, 30 years later, finally learning to discover who i really am and what i am here for. I send you a ton of love. Thank you for your video. ♥

[@charlierewilding]

Wow there are so many parallels in our stories (i was reading your comment & in my head i was just saying "omg me too!" over and over)! Thank you so much for sharing. The emotions are wild and the process takes time but I am so happy for you that you are starting to find the answers that will help you to live in alignment with your true self ❤️

[@Adryd08]

@@charlierewilding So glad for you too... 💜

[@BloomByCC]

Wow, so powerful and brave. Than you, I feel all your feels and I'm 56 and just discovering the why for me may be autism.

[@charliebaker3650]

Charlie, so so appreciate you sharing this! It does make such a difference knowing others are experiencing this life changing journey. 🥰

[@charlierewilding]

🥰 it really is life changing isn't it! No wonder it comes with so much emotional turmoil. Sending love from one Charlie to another. ❤️

[@tchupstudio]

Charlie, you are incredible for sharing your journey and raising awareness. Thank you ❤

[@charlierewilding]

Julia, you are such a kind soul. Thank YOU for listening to my story. ❤️

[@catherineburton3988]

Thank you so much for these videos, I only found them yesterday but they are so relatable, I'm currently waiting for an assessment and I'm 61, at the same time really nervous if they say I'm not autistic, which may sound strange but I've always felt 'different' I can't find the right words at the moment but it's a very emotional journey, especially to get to my age not knowing, these sorts of videos are so helpful, there's a feeling of belonging, and that means so much,so thank you x

[@charlierewilding]

I totally understand the fear of them saying you're not! It's a fear of more invalidation, something I feel like we are sonused to after a lifetime of feeling different and no one being able to explain why. I totally hear you. I really hope the process is validating for you and its genuinely amazing to hear that my videos help in some small way. Thank you for sharing ❤️

[@Marty656]

Omg, Charlie! I cried while watching your video, thank you for sharing! I’m 35 and never thought of myself as being autistic but a video about autistic traits in adults popped up on youtube yesterday and I could relate so much that I did an online self assessment and scored quite high. It would explain a lot about me, of my feelings and experiences, it’s mindblowing. I’m not sure yet whether I will seek out a professional assessment, still trying to wrap my head around the idea 🤯

[@charlierewilding]

Oh Martina! I hope that you find the answers you are looking for ❤️ Take all the time you need!

[@Marty656]

@@charlierewilding Just wanted to add to my original comment from 6 months ago that I now have my suspicions confirmed by a professional. This past 6 months have been an absolute roller coaster of emotions, I went through a period of grief after my diagnosis and now I’m kind of lost as to what to do so I just “keep swimming”. Despite being professionally assessed, I still have imposter thoughts about the whole thing every now and then. BUT the biggest shift for me is that I am much kinder to myself! I don’t subconsciously gaslight myself about struggles, beat myself up over things and allow myself to feel my feelings and inner experiences even though they might be different from most people. Love from Down Under 🦘

[@redprimo8058]

I've known I have synesthesia for nearly 20 years, but only recently started using it to meditate. I looked online for info about synesthisia and discovered that it is considered a neuro divergence and I guess because of that I started getting a lot of autisim stuff in my feed. This was a very gentle path to an autism self diagnosis as it let me get used to being neuro diverergent before I found out I'm autistic. It might sound silly but with 61 years of grief to mourn and accept bing able to break it up in any way has been helpful. I'm also in the middle of an epic butnout that started the summer of 2019 and brought to a head about 6 months ago when my dogs were stolen, they were recovered, but the ptsd from that put me in the deep depression I'm just now climbing out of.

[@laurenoverton8837]

Thank you so so so much for this. Though I am 40, my current story parallels yours in ways that shock me. I appreciate your being so vulnerable, as it gives me hope to keep moving forward with an official diagnosis, which is very difficult in the US, I’m finding out. I look forward to binging more of your videos! 💜

[@charlierewilding]

I'm wishing you all the best with pursuing your diagnosis, I hope it is a validating experience for you ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@mrsl238]

Thank you so much ❤

[@charlierewilding]

You're welcome ❤️❤️❤️

[@katherinevoskressensky3260]

Thank you so much for posting this. I’m 39 and have self-diagnosed over the course of the last year or two. I’ve devoured every book I could find on the topic and debated the long (and likely expensive) journey of formal diagnosis, but already feel the benefit of this greater understanding. I am also up against a very pleasant and convincing mask, and the awareness that I have devoted so much energy to friendships and relationships where I was performing for much of it, and in so many ways performing for myself as well, or at least pleading with myself to perform better. I’m looking forward to allowing myself to literally relax my face around other people, and I’m slowly learning to pay attention to the situations that either allow me to be me or make me feel a pressure to be different than I naturally am. I look forward to hearing more about your journey. Thanks again

[@charlierewilding]

Thank you for sharing a little about what you're going through Katherine. I really appreciate your honesty, as I relate to what you said about your mask being super convincing and the effort (or perhaps even overcompensation?) we've put into relationships. The process of letting that go is a slow one for me, that requires a lot of attention and bravery in the moment. I really wish you well and hope that you continue to feel more and more like yourself as you navigate your journey (whether to formal diagnosis or not) ❤️

[@happyhovsehomestead5354]

Thank you for sharing. I’m 45 and this year realized I too am autistic. I am a woman, mother, wife, with degrees and a professional job… but struggled very very hard. I am still trying to get diagnosed. I hope you learn your true self and love all the best parts about being autistic. ❤❤❤❤

[@charlierewilding]

Thank you so much for sharing and I am wishing you all the best with your diagnosis journey ❤

[@lynnemarie7885]

Thank you Charlie, thank you. I am 52 and I feel so lost sometimes. I am on this journey because last year my children expressed their thoughts, that I might be autistic. They were very gentle and kind and understanding and it was in the context of them needing explanations for our strange and strenuous family life (and in one case also the diagnosis process of also being autistic) Charlie, my world broke apart. It‘s hard to spend your whole life thinking you just have to try harder, even though everything feels like it‘s on „hard mode“ already, but you think if you figure it out it‘ll be okay, you know? So there is some joy in this process (it‘s my brain!!! It‘s not something I am doing wrong! In fact, under the circumstances I am doing magnificently!!) but there is some real sadness and sometimes despair. Who am I?!? Will my partner still love me if I don’t mask? How does this unmasking even work?!? You just can‘t go back after you open that box and that can be so overwhelming. So thanks for sharing. You spoke directly into my heart.

[@DevinJohnson-x6w]

I’m 22 and my name is Devin. I’ve always felt different. It was always weird because I could never really explain what it was. sometimes I start overthinking and make myself sad because I see how everybody else was living and then how I was living. I saw people with stable friend groups and friendships but I was always kind of at the back of the group following everyone else, or just moving from different groups rapidly. I never really noticed my neurodivergent just yet but I still always felt kind of different. And I didn’t really notice until after highschool. I graduated in 2020. I was seeing a lot of my friends still hanging out on their stories and stuff and I never even was mentioned or even thought of to ask to come hangout or something at least. And it kind of got me thinking like…..I’ve been feeling this way since elementary school. And it made me extremely sad….till this day it still does. Like why don’t I have any friends, why am I always there for everyone but no one is there for me. And people just sometimes reject me for no reason…..almost like I am a weirdo or something when I am the most cool, chillest, laid back person…like I’m already shy so I barely even talk to people sometimes unless I’m really cool with them. I was once talking with a group of people and I caught a girl looking at her friend like this👀. Like why? And my Family…..it always feels weird around them….like they always talk to each other and laugh and stuff at holiday parties and it’s like I’m just there. Like I can notice that they speak to other people a different way than how they would speak to me. Or it’s like when I would try to talk to me cousins it’s weird no. But when we were younger it was different. So I started searching things up on TikTok like “why do I feel lonely “ or “why don’t I have friends” and came across a few videos talking about how some people could be on the spectrum and just explaining their own personal experiences. So I started doing my own research and here I am today. And I recently got professionally diagnosed too btw.

[@silvertexan]

43. On the journey with you. Best wishes!

[@charlierewilding]

All aboard! Best wishes to you too Joshua, thank you for sharing.

[@angeladevries1037]

Thank you Charlie. I live in Canada, I'm 33 and I'm going for my official diagnosis on Dec 12. We'll see what comes from it. I hope I find lasting answers. I want you to know that I think you're brilliant. Thank you so much for putting your authenticity into the world.

[@charlierewilding]

Oh Angela I am sending you positive and loving and supportive vibes ahead of your diagnostic assessment. I truly hope it provides you with the answers and the validation you are searching for. Thank you for your super kind words, exchanging stories is a big gift so thank you ❤️ 🙏

[@angeladevries1037]

Hey! So the doctor on Dec 12 completely dismissed me. It took 2 more years before I found the Dr who finally did a proper diagnosis! So I'm finally officially starting my journey as an autistic woman at age 35!

[@EmilyKathrynH]

Currently deciding if I should get myself assessed for autism and/or ADHD, so I’m looking forward to hearing more of your story

[@Aliceauquotidien]

Autistic women here 🤗from Belgium ! I have been in the same process one year ago... Thank you for sharing 💗

[@charlierewilding]

Hey Alice 😃 ❤

[@YosiFrancos]

I was diagnosed at 39. Welcome to the club 🙂

[@charlierewilding]

Thank you 🙂❤️

[@markgeddes4411]

Hi, just saw your No4 video on this first before i saw this one. I've been struggling with mental health for a very long time, jobs, soical and lots of other things, was diagnosed with GAD few years ago but been really struggling past couple years with mental health and poss PTSD symtoms. I've asked my doctor to get Autism test done and he gave me a test for ADHD which came back quite high. So in a few weeks i'm getting my first proper assessment for Autism and ADHD and whatever else. I'm mid 40's and alot is going through my head as if it does come back i got it, it will explain a lot of things and as you if got diagnosed earlier it would of changed my life in a more postive way and could of done things differently.

[@mikehavok1859]

I found out not long ago about less than 3 months ago that me at 44 am autistic and it is about as isolating as it sounds but it also explains a lot! I haven't really told anyone. I don't really have anyone to tell. And it sucks

[@___-rh6om]

Thank you for sharing your journey ❤️ it means a lot and made me fill out my test for autism, which lays since 9 months in my drawer. Curently I am 20 y.o. female and trying to figure out where exactly on the neurodivergent spectrum I am. Although all my 3 psychologists suggested I am autistic, I never considered it as a real possibility. Because my behaviour didn't match with the stereotypical autistic behaviour seen in Boys. (Which have been the only autistic people represented in Media/my social circle) and denial of the possibility as Well as a lack of interests from my mother towards this problems and feelings. I feel really stupid, cause I had a psychosis/burnout about 1,5 years ago, which ended in a 2 month vacation in the Psychiatrie and forced Meditation that left a tremendous effect on my health till this day. Since then my coping mechanisms/masks which I subconciously used my whole life to fit in, dont work anymore. I Just cant take it, yesterday I had to leave a Party cause of sensoric overload, looking someone in the eyes,... Everything I had to go through sucked extremly, but in the end it let me to the Point I am now. I have to take care of myself and stop modeling my behaviour and personality to fit in. The things you say in your Videos help a lot, cause I feel less alone and my feelings are somewhat of validated through knowing that other people feel that as well. I will follow your journey and Love to support you. Pleased keep making videos, for as long, as it feels good to you and helps you. Take care and best wishes from Germany, Meike ❤️

[@charlierewilding]

Hello Meike, thank you for watching and for sharing a bit about your story. I am so sorry that you have been going through a hard time and am sending you lots of love. I relate so much to what you say about not being able to put the mask back on, and hope that with time we will be able to accept who we are underneath with compassion rather than criticism (it's so so hard isn't it!). The online community is an amazing place to find validation when it all feels a bit much, so I'm so glad that my videos help in some small way. Take care! ❤️

[@Alicemyreality]

This was a interesting but difficult video to watch im so sorry to hear you we’re really struggling im so pleased you found some answers and support i was told a few months ago that i may be autistic and been doing lots of research and yh i guess it really fits and these videos are really helpful so thank you im currently on a nhs waiting list so it probably will be a long time to find the answers take care stay strong

[@jonaskoelker]

> Sorry for not making eye contact with the camera No problem, we weren't looking anyways 😅

[@Arithekiller]

I feel like I am too but I'm too scared to even go see a psychiatrist to get diagnosed, thanks for talking about it 🖤

[@charlierewilding]

It's a pleasure and I understand the fear (I was scared too after so many years of being told by professionals I was fine). take your time to work out what's best for you ❤️

[@caseyzx]

hi charlie, im casey. im not diagnosed with autism but i suspect i might be autistic and began making a list of things that point me to that. im going to get official testing once i can afford it :)

[@andrewlarge1573]

Incredibly honest x

[@charlierewilding]

You know me 🙃

[@kimberlynewsom9876]

Thank you so much for sharing this. I'm 54, and I'm just now realizing that I have traits of autism (moderate), and ADHD (according to tests I've taken but have not had an official diagnosis at this point). I realized this when all 4 of my grown children have recently (this year) been diagnosed with ADHD. And we think at least 2 of them are autistic as well. It really hit home when you mentioned the statistics of women/girls not being tested or researched as much and how much that can impact their youth and then therefore how they live their adult lives. It pains me to say that had I known more about this and had I been exposed to the information on neurodivergence in my youth there is much of my life I probably would have done differently. That's not to say I am not happy with my current life, I am, for the most part. I for sure would have done things differently, and in some cases far better, when it came to raising my kids, and perhaps choices I would have made even within my marriage (not that I would have changed the marriage itself I love my husband, he's my best friend). But I probably would have made more of an effort of putting my needs and wants a little higher on the priority list and not let myself take such a back seat to my own life - if that makes sense. To add to this I also have anxiety (that I was diagnosed with a few years ago) so some of this is overlapping, but it also makes dealing with the challenges of ADHD, and autism a bit more challenging because I'm so afraid to do anything. Anyway. Thank you again, I always get so much out of your videos.

[@charlierewilding]

You make total sense. And I want to thank you for sharing so openly and honestly. It's like I'm reading my own story, honestly. I completely appreciate we have different experiences but I understand that feeling of grief almost, like a 'what if I'd known sooner?'. I personally don't think I would have become a lawyer had I known, but part of the agony is that we will never know what we'd have chosen in a parallel life. It's a LOT to process, but I imagine there is a whole added layer of realisation to process when you start to question yourself via your children's diagnoses. I was also diagnosed with a generalised anxiety disorder, so if you want to chat about that and the overlaps then I'd be very happy to (I haven't figured it out yet though!). Sending you love ❤

[@kimberlynewsom9876]

@@charlierewilding Thank you so much. I got tears in my eyes with your reply. Especially with the "what if I'd known sooner." oof. Thank you again not just for your reply but for also sharing yourself so fully and vulnerably with us. You're helping people so much, I hope you know that. ❤

[@charlierewilding]

@@kimberlynewsom9876 I can only hope that is a silver lining of sharing all of the ups and downs 🙃 thank you ❤️

[@hispoiema]

I'll be 59 in May (It's March 30 as I write this) I left the narcissists in my life almost 3 years ago and I still don't feel "right". Psychologist said I have no cptsd and could be autistic. Got put on 3 to 4 year waiting list. When asked, I did tell her that I want to know if what I am going through is something I can change or whether it is simply who I am. I am assuming it is the latter as I have always felt different my entire life. I feel best when alone unless I can find someone I can relate to. Currently that is my husband (married my best friend less than 2 years ago) and one of my daughters from my previous long and abusive marriage. They are both neurodivergent. (Both diagnosed with things)

[@LP-ew2bu]

You are very a successful woman and you have a husband. I am autistic too, 37 years old, but having a wife seems as an impossible prospect.

[@charlierewilding]

i think comparing us like that can be quite invalidating - definitely for me, but possibly also for you. There is a whole lot of nuance to each of our situations, so I would really encourage you not to compare your situation to people on the internet who share a slither of their life online. 🫶🏻

[@krugerfuchs]

Yay you're one of us

[@heedmydemands]

Hi I'm a 33yo woman and just discovering that I'm probably autistic, it explains so much about my life. I looked into the idea of getting a formal diagnosis but it's quite costly in Canada and I really can't afford that so I guess I won't be getting one. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist or something like that, not sure of their exact job, so I will bring up some stuff I've realized about myself that matches up with autism but I'm not sure where this could really get me. I know talking about female autistic traits can be helpful for helping women get a diagnosis but really we should be dividing the traits perhaps in a different way to be more inclusive. I likely have some of the male traits and some female and there's lots of guys who have the female traits and women who have the male ones. I learned from a video that there are 6x as many non-binary or transgender folks within the autistic community, which makes sense when you realize that autistic people don't always go along with what's expected. I realize that I kind of didn't, I was a tomboy growing up. In a way I think I was probably lucky to be a girl, probably more acceptable to be a tomboy girl than a girly guy, which is sad. When I would play pretend sometimes I would be a girl and sometimes a guy, I didn't care. I found it quite the upset when I had to start wearing bras and having my period, I thought it was bs. I do find it difficult to really accept that I have autism without a formal diagnosis, I will continue to research. I have done different tests online which all I said I likely have it, but the main convincing thing has been watching videos on KZbin from autistic people, several different people and reading a lot of comments and just identifying with people so much. It makes so much make sense and it's a relief to think that there actually isn't something wrong with me, I'm just different and there are other people like me.

[@charlierewilding]

I completely agree with your observations about autism and gender, and ultimately cannot wait until inclusive research is undertaken. I'm also interested to understand more about the intersection between autism and sexuality. I really hope that you find the answers that you need to feel validated, and thank you for sharing part of your story with me ❤️

[@sad_hedgehog]

6:23 that "to not burn out every three months" hit like a goddamn truck. i am currently burning out every 3-4 months and neev recovery time about the same. it greatly impacted my uni life. i am trying to understand if i am autistic or some other type of neurotypical fully myself and it's hell. i am tired and questioning, i have been qiestioning all my life and it seems like it never ends.

[@elevatorface]

Such is life! Disclaimer: This turned out a bit of a wall of text. Thank you for this honest video which must've been hard to post 'cos it's really just entirely putting yourself out there in hopes fellow autistic, late-diagnosed/undiagnosed women will see it. I don't have a diagnosis. But this year, at 36 years old, I had my best friend tell me after being diagnosed herself that she feels sure that I may be autistic. My reaction was, "Can't be. I just have a lot of trauma." But as I go through my childhood experiences and up until now, everything makes a lot more sense. All this time being passed around possible mental disorders where I just felt out of place and I just didn't have the right symptoms, and feeling like I was wrong/bad/alien all my life. All I did was try to fix myself. I hyperfixated on how to read people my whole life. My 20s were a haze too. But I'm so glad I am on track now so I can actually go for a diagnosis in a few years. I can't afford it right now. But the most important two people in my life are very supportive and want me to go for one asap. The tools and videos like these help me so much. For the first time I realise there's nothing wrong with me, my brain is just different. I don't have to feel so dumb and slow and disorientated, frustrated at myself because when I was growing up, that was the frustration I was met with from adults. I'm back at school as a mature student, almost at my final semester. It's the first time I'll be completing a course! I feel how different I am in my cognitive abilities much more at school. It's painful, but thankfully this community is the kindest and most accepting I've ever known.

[@charlierewilding]

Wow I am so happy to hear that you have supportive people in your life whilst you navigate this time and how awesome that you are in your final semester and it's been a positive experience! I'm wishing you all the best ❤️ Thank you for watching, and sharing a bit of your story in return!

[@rebeccaburnell9319]

8:15 - I'm 50. I've been on Disability for 19.5yrs initially for depression but since re-diagnosed with bipolar II, and I've been considered "permanently disabled" for about 15yrs. I have a 23yr old daughter who was diagnosed with ADHD at age 7 (which I felt wasn't an adequate diagnosis; I had no comprehension of what autism could look like in individuals without co-occurring learning disabilities beyond the level of my daughter's ADHD but I *knew* that what I was being told ADHD was, was insufficient for my understanding of her... but no one was willing to investigate further and I was in an unbelievably dark place with my own mental health and I'd already endangered what little "stability" I had to cling to, by pushing to get them to understand how seriously the ADHD was affecting her). As an adult, my daughter has started talking about pursuing an autism diagnosis (but has since stopped looking into it as she feels she's accommodating herself well enough without a lable, and doesn't necessarily identify as autistic at the moment) Maybe 2 years ago, I started running into fellow climate justice activists on Twitter who were also talking about their ADHD, and I was immediately drawn to "listen in" on those conversations to help understand my daughter better. Except I kept running into things they'd say that would be like a glass of water thrown in my face about myself. Except other things definitely *didn't* fit. Except I also kept seeing them say "lots of adults, especially mothers, who were missed as children find out they have ADHD or autism after their child is diagnosed." I "listened in" on so many of their conversations that I started following ADHD'ers who were awesome people even if they weren't part of the climate justice crowd. And about 18 months ago I guess I started taking notice of autistic people in the ADHD conversations. And THOSE conversations... whew. I'd run across someone describing something about themselves and it would be like I'd run full-tilt into a brick wall of reality. I was really confused because how could a bit of me (an isolated experience, an isolated bit of behaviour) be SO REAL and be something apparently neurotypical people DO NOT experience (certainly not as fundamental pieces of themselves), but yet there was no way I could be autistic because there were so many fundamental things about myself that didn't fit what I understood HAD to be present in autism? Sometimes those Twitter conversations that would give me one of those brick wall of reality experiences, would include a link to a KZbin video. Those videos ALWAYS fleshed out the brick wall experiences a little more. But still, the important pieces that didn't fit were still there. Just over a month ago, I stumbled across a video from "I'm Autistic, Now What?" about PDA profiles (which aren't generally recognized in North America since they're not described in the DSM 5 TR), immediately followed by a video from "Mom on the Spectrum" about the pressures of motherhood on undiagnosed autistic people, and my entire universe snapped into focus. I started a handwritten list of everything I know about myself that demonstrates that I'm autistic - I was hesitant to go straight to "I'm self-diagnosed now, I'm autistic" but I knew it at the level of "if I'm not autistic, there's something even more seriously wrong with my mental health than we've thought - I'm into full-on delusion if I'm not autistic." I don't dispute the bipolar diagnosis, but I'm *also* autistic. Anyway, that list is now 51 pages long, and I've been trying to figure out who exists underneath the layers of mask I had cemented into place, and develop simple accommodations for myself. I wouldn't care at all about a professional diagnosis except that my psychiatrist will want to keep messing around with my bipolar meds to "fix" me (and we'll have profound disagreements about what I should be doing during my days) if I don't have a diagnosis on my file. I actually think I'm on a really great combo of meds right now. Accommodating myself as an autistic person will help with the rest (although I think it's likely my 20yr autistic burnout has shredded my ability to return to normal functional life... I'd be happy to be wrong about that, but I accepted long ago that I was so permanently disabled by my mental health that I'd never return to "functional" so I won't struggle with it if working with an autism diagnosis doesn't return me to "functional" either... the important thing is that will be HAPPY and AT PEACE and have more energy because it won't all be sucked up in this 24/7 365 masking stuff that I had no idea I had been maintaining for 49 yrs or whatever). My therapist (a new one; I only met her in December) is a social worker and if she doesn't agree that I could be autistic, she's doing an incredibly convincing job of pretending. The sessions I've had with her so far in 2024 have been incredibly helpful and supportive. I started discussing it with my daughter too, so that's an important conversation to have opened (for both of us). My psychiatrist (also new to me) who thinks autism has to involve a learning disability is at least referring me to a colleague who specializes in autism to discuss it with him, and once I've had that appointment I think I'll be ready to talk to my parents, and after that, more broadly with friends and other family. My biggest concern is that my existence means there are SO MANY other people out there who have no idea why they're struggling. So many out there who desperately need support. So many out there who could be saved from burning out in such severe and debilitating ways. Apologies for this wall of text. I couldn't not comment. quick edit: I may have flashes of other emotions regarding my new reality, but for me it's just a firehose of RELIEF and GRATITUDE and even EXCITEMENT. Possibly heavily skewed that way because I've already been off work for almost half my life and this helps explain WHY I've only "recovered" to a certain level insufficient for even managing a life with almost all expectations removed from me - I'm STILL struggling with baseline easy daily activities like staying on top of dishes and laundry and putting groceries away. (I live alone... which suits me fine, but means all of that is on me 100% of the time - I don't live near family) ALSO - I now feel released from some significant resentment and anger I was holding for my parents. Sure, they could have believed me when I was so upset that I was crying about whatever was plaguing me, but they really couldn't have known; not when they took me to doctors and the doctors told me nothing was wrong, it was all in my head. There may have been parents here and there in 1970s/1980s North American culture who supported their child for invisible problems doctors said didn't exist, but it wasn't common to parent like that. Sure, I can wish that was different, and rail against a society where people are raised to be parents like that, but I feel a lot of forgiveness for them. Autism explains so much.

[@dambigfoot6844]

It took me awhile to realize that you are in school to get an education and you are at work to make money. We can’t make people like us or not ostracize us, we have to be true to ourselves. Before I found out about Asperger’s I kept quitting jobs thinking “I’ll just be more social to start with and people will include me and talk to me” which never worked out I’d revolve back to eating lunch alone in the car. If you are at school or a job be focused on your life outside and step outside your comfort zone on your terms on your days off.

[@ne5464]

Wow, I can't believe I have found a woman so closely experiencing the same issues as myself. I have been unemployed now for years, 35 years old and hiding from the world, trying to manage, barely any friends because of social overwhelm and overstimulation around others and masking in front of family, preparing myself to behave in a certain way. I know I'm driven, I know I'm capable but I struggle to function normally, I feel like a child, have sensory meltdowns, have an eating disorder no therapy has helped with. It's through research and videos like this that makes me feel both relief yet panic. I want a diagnosis so that I can free myself from the shame, exhaustion and masking/ trying to white knuckle life. being in the UK and looking for diagnosis costs an arm and a leg. May I ask, did you get diagnosed privately or through the NHS? how long did it take? Thank you Charlie. I am so grateful for you x

[@charlierewilding]

i'm so sorry you're struggling - i'm sending you love from a place of compassion 🫶🏻 in terms of my diagnosis, i got it on private health care via employment just before i had to quit my job because i couldn't cope anymore with working. it was very, very lucky in terms of timing. i'm on the NHS waiting list for ADHD, though, and it'll be 18 months by the time i am seen. it's a shocking let down that there is not more support out there, but i have found online communities and self-diagnosis to be a lifeline ❤️

[@alifmuhammadchicago]

Diagnosed ASD Level 1 at 39 back in 2020. I don't know if I'll make KZbin videos about it. I've considered it, being a mental health counselor myself. Btw, have you found other autistic KZbinrs AFAB? If not, I have a list of great ones who have helped me understand myself and my clients. Thank you for your great video!

[@sarahwoodward4470]

Hi Charlie, Your journey has been the same as mine! I got diagnosed as having Asperger’s is this your condition? I was diagnosed at age 37 so quite late in life. I am still trying to understand the condition and I do have burn outs like yourself I want to join the gym in the new year and I know it’s the motivation I need to get there! Did you find growing up you had a problem mixing with school friends and now in your adulthood? I look forward to watching your videos in the future Sarah x

[@charlierewilding]

Hi Sarah, thank you for watching and reaching out! I have been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder at 30. I too am still processing and understanding, and to be honest I think most researchers are still trying too. I don't recall ever being bullied but I never felt like I was understood or had close friendships that would last despite being widely considered to be a nice person. It was something I never understood until now. I hope that you make it to the gym, I'm on the same journey back to fitness in 2023 too! Charlie ❤️

[@LadyyM11]

I was supposed to get an assessment a couple months ago but never went through with it. I know I have autism but sometimes I feel like what’s the point of being diagnosed at 24?

[@carinamandarina554]

I have come to the realization that im on the spektrum...my life has been full of psyciatrick problems..a living hell to put it right.. noone believe me..and the few people i still have in my life just shake their heads at me behandling my back..a living nightmare..

[@martinmartin1363]

I find it strange to say I’m autistic because it’s such a huge range, l still prefer the term aspergers a higher functioning autistic person, l have struggled too and trying to fit into mainstream society and privately l lived a life of self hatred, which caused me major problems, for me late in life I opted out of society and trying to fit in and turned away from so called friends etc in my life and found a job where l work on my own, and at 50 turned to my catholic faith and really engaged with it and turned away from media outlets etc, l am born again the meditation,the hope the,peace etc, has flooded into my life and my family and new friends are enhancing my life, the pain and the suffering isn’t important anymore, l focus on God’s will and l love all as l love myself, which was impossible before because l despised everything about myself and surrounded myself with people who despised me also and called them friends. Knowing God loves me no matter what I do and forgives and that there’s a heaven and hell gives me peace.

[@thatusernamewasavailable262]

I’ve never said this to anyone outside my family (besides doctors), but I have Asperger’s. I knew that since I was going into 1st grade, but only did I know what it was by the time I was in 4th grade. And honestly as a 14 year old now, I’ve always hated it and sometimes I really feel like there’s nothing keeping me on this earth. I hated it mostly because I would hear people say all these things about it and I just think why should I stay here? Even my parents would tell me to shut the f up because I sound stupid and “it” is really showing. Might I add, it’s also 3 am rn, so I’m sorry if I have had bad structure in my writing 😂

[@indigenoustruthx4828]

How do they check this

[@Rinzler.14]

Resources I found helpful include the Aspie world and Chloe Hayden.

[@charlierewilding]

Chloe is helping me to feel proud of my autistic joy so much!!

[@Rinzler.14]

Chloe has a book to called Different Not Less. A neurodivergent's guide to embracing your true self and finding your happily ever after.

[@Rinzler.14]

Paige Layle's channel might help you out to Charlie.

[@charlierewilding]

@@Rinzler.14 it's on my wishlist! I'm guessing you recommend it? 😀

[@charlierewilding]

@@Rinzler.14 thank you.

[@lunadabaybrandon]

Coming to terms with being neurodivergent is like coming to terms with being Gay, or Bi.

[@GraySmithMusic]

I'd love to know how much empty space you edit out of these videos? I've been going through this process, also making videos, it's only been in the edit that I realised how long it takes me to finish a thought and make a sentence. I can see all the cuts in your videos and figure it's similar.

[@charlierewilding]

A lot! It takes me a long time too, especially when overwhlemed/overstimulated

[@michaelfreydberg4619]

At least you’re only 30. Could be 55. (Me)

[@charlierewilding]

Invalidating others' hard experiences doesn't make ones own any better. I believe we should all respect each others unique journeys for what they are - unique and difficult in their own ways.

[@michaelfreydberg4619]

@@charlierewilding You’re right. I didn’t mean it like that. I’ve struggled with these things too, and my journey started a lot later. I wish I had found these things out about myself sooner.

[@Coneman3]

INFJ?

[@Coneman3]

Now imagine discovering age 50?

[@Bez81]

thank you for sharing Charlie

[@charlierewilding]

It's such an emotional roller coaster isn't it! I feel you. I'm sorry the wait is long, it's not fair and leaves one in a state of uncertainty (which we tend to hate!). I hope you can find communities online in the meantime that help you to process your self-diagnosis 😊❤️

[@lucib8497]

My emotional and psychological journey to understanding and acceptance of my unique self is ongoing. I’ve had similar feelings. When my “official”diagnosis didn’t include autism, I was relieved. Now, I laugh and cry a little at that because it doesn’t change my experience nor who I am. A diagnosis or lack of one doesn’t make you this or that. What it can do is give you understanding, validation, a community, and starting point to help shape your life, and more. Thank you for sharing. 🫶🏻 I’m proud of you. I tried to start my channel several years ago, but I too was ashamed of being, talking and thinking differently (ADHD). I’m so glad more people are sharing and we don’t have to feel ashamed anymore. Their stories, like your own, are helping not only me, but my spouse too. Thank you.

[@charlierewilding]

Yes!!! I love what you say about diagnosis and what it means. I see it as a tool to understanding who I am - a form of validation and a permission slip to live a way that feels right for my unique understanding of the world... oh and most importantly a realisation that I'm not alone! Thank you for sharing and I'm sending love and support to you and your spouse on your journeys fo self discovery ❤️