Do Dismissive Avoidants Stay Friends After a Breakup? | Dismissive Avoidant Attachment & Breakups

[@lisbeth4you]

These breakups can be so hurtful. When you thought you had something special going on and your DA states it all the time and all of a sudden he disappears without saying a word, it’s really a traumatizing experience. Yeah, it’s a breakup, alright, it’s painful like any other but this one experience was specially difficult for me, it’s like we never existed, it’s like our connection never meant anything after all. I can understand things can be over at a certain point, but just like that, in the middle of so much love and passion, caring and tenderness, leaves you in the middle of nowhere, like nothing really mattered. That’s the hard part of it. After many months of no contact, we talked again. At some point he said he would like to see me again as “normal” people. He suggested a date. I thought it over, then I said “yes”, because I felt I was emotionally centered again and wanted to take the opportunity to ask some questions for closure. When I said Okay he made up some excuse and avoided it. I replied, I was just answering to his idea. I thought he was able to hold a friendship and that I was assessing whether I wanted that or not. But, after all, from what I listened in this video, he could not hold a friendship in any way, even though he suggested that. I thought I would be the one with more problems with that, but after all, it’s him. What I have come to learn, realize and accept is that with a DA nothing is what it seems and rarely has to do with anything they say. There is always an underlying/hidden agenda going on and so much inconsistency. That’s why I like to come and listen to these videos and read the comments from time to time to make sure I remember the reasons for staying away.

[@aliciav63]

you described exactly what happened to me.....its despair like you never were really anything but it seemed we were...then to want to be friends makes it horrible to see the DA happy without you and you needing that love from them...i just couldnt be friends despite him wanting that ....went no contact its been hell ive just been in grief but i cannot go back to breadcrumbs emptyness everytime hed leave after a date etc

[@lisbeth4you]

@@aliciav63 yeah, you are right. I’m glad we never became friends after the breakup. It’s better this way, at least for me.

[@c.m.mkup.]

I think This is why apt of ppl Think DAs and narcissists are one in the same

[@lattrice3001]

Everything you described literally just happened to me a couple of weeks ago. I posted a pic on social media he sends me snapchats messages, then texts my phone I was surprise he even knew my number still after 2 years. Said he wanted to take me on a date apologized for the pain he caused in a way that was partially acceptable to me, but underneath I still felt/feel hurt so I kind of withdrew. My texts were short and responses were slow if not days apart. He eventually stopped texting. He didn’t even text on my birthday the following week. For some reason I feel stupid for even entertaining

[@lisbeth4you]

@@lattrice3001 I understand your feeling, yes. This hurt can stay for very long, even after we moved on with our lives. It is true they may contact back much later when fear calms down, but they will keep inconsistent, as they can get triggered by anything.

[@jelenajakelic1909]

1:38

[@smileyface702]

Jelena Oreč thanks!

[@SK-no2pp]

Thanks!!

[@josecv9444]

You cannot be friend with an ex DA, specially when their words and actions never match in facts. In my case if it’s over, it’s done. I can wish the DA well and a happy life and I don’t need to have a conversation about it. Just like they do. period

[@the6ixman416]

Well said, Frank. Personally, I also see no benefit in remaining friends with the ex DA (without wishing bad). Let us not leave the door open to any past wounds. We shall move on. Self-soothe. Then find a better partner that suits our preferences more.

[@SK-no2pp]

@@the6ixman416 👏🏻🙌🏼

[@josecv9444]

@@the6ixman416 absolutely! A door open won’t let the healing process to do it’s job. Is necessary to close the chapter and burn the bridge forever. We deserve to receive what we give in order to feel secure in the long road. DAs will damage the way you interact with the world, even if it’s a friend. So no no for a friendship, cut them off and never look back. Time will show you what you need to know.

[@josecv9444]

@James Paternoster im so sorry for everything you’re going through rn 🙏🏻sending you strength to recover. As for my comment, it comes from a soul that got really hurt but a DA, incredibly painful and devastating, but I had to set boundaries and check the deal breakers and stick to it more than anything, after that I started seing the truth, I wasn’t the problem and I cannot save a relationship by sacrificing my mental health and future. Hang in there !

[@josecv9444]

@James Paternoster thats crazy!! How it went ?

[@josezerpa8177]

No reason to accept that from a DA. What can of friendship can you expect from someone who disrespected you in the first place? Big NO NO. Great video Thais!

[@GeorgideMarne]

In my experience as a former woman DA I can say that I tried to remain friends with my exes everytime after years' long engaged relationships, it's true that the first motive was because I had friendships with them before being exclusive, but ALSO cause they kind of guilted me into it (the ex AP partners). Later on I ended this pattern, as I became more secure.

[@roberttruman8444]

How did your AP ex's guilt you into friendships? Presumably they were prolonging their suffering by staying friends, right?

[@roberttruman8444]

Do DA's ever heal and graduate to a normal functioning relationship, or is the rest of their life spent going through a cycle of relationships that move along in 2nd gear for a time before being abandoned?

[@sidesaddle001]

I’d like to know that too

[@trishasword]

A dismissive avoidant ex I had in my 20s came back in my 40’s for a second round and once again, it didn’t work. Should I expect him to come sniffing around again in our sixties? Lol

[@aurinkobay7118]

@@PriyankaGupta-ew1li you are extremely judgemental.

[@aurinkobay7118]

Trisha, people do tend to come back years later as if it is an unfinished book. It's not attachment issue at all. If 2nd time didnt work out, maybe that is the story reached its life cycle. Now you need to look into how things were different and what issues came up to surface. There is a saying the broken vase will not sound the same even if you glue it together. But in Japanese art people inlay gold into the seams where the ceramics or glass cracked and were glued together. It's def unique piece. My mom's friend got married when she was 18,then divorced at 25. Hasnt heard from her ex in years one day she ran into him. He was pestering her to marry him again for over a year (he wasnt asking her on a date). She finally decided to go on a date with him and eventually they got married. They are still together after 10 years. Really really depends on a story of both people.

[@vtchevalier]

I’ll see that bet 😂

[@danielle6353]

Thank you for this. I'm FA and in the FA vid you explained perfectly why part of me wants to be friends w my DA ex. I feel disappointed that he probably doesn't want the same. He's refused to communicate w me for 2 months now, & it's been very hard on me. I thought we were on good terms when he disappeared. I'm so attached. I still see him as my only real way to meet my love & connection needs despite being there for myself & feeling loved by my family. I'm in denial that he's gone. I feel in my gut he's going to talk to me someday. I keep searching for him subconsciously. I gotta figure out how to give up hope & not feel shame for wanting to be friends with someone who brought me the deepest pain I've ever felt in my life. 💔

[@komatsu8169]

This is exactly how I have been feeling about my DA ex. Been doing everything to keep him alive. He has also shut me out completely post break up after I dumped him, he broke my heart in a non imaginable way. I just wanna know if you still feel the same after 11 months from writing this comment. Also, did your da ex ever contact you? Honestly speaking for me the first 1 and a half months were hell. I would occasionally send him a text that i miss him, or a watsapp text but he would be dead silent! But now I am gradually moving away from the fantasy that he could ever love me, i am starting to see how manipulative he was, although my brain tries to think nice things about him, i am now able to draw my attention to how he never truly loved me and indifference creeps in. I know I am getting there...

[@mjs0112]

This hit me hard.

[@ruthcardone7419]

If you are the FA/DA dumper and you are working on becoming more secure, and you still love them, then why not reach out and let them know your true feelings and desire for friendship with a view to working towards becoming a more beautiful, fulfilling committed relationship, it's that's what you truly desire. You offer them friendship, and they are probably of the opinion that you want to use this friendship as a means of monkey-branching. They have most probably been told not to be your friend if they ultimately want more. They inadvertently triggered you, you abandoned them in response, you showed or confirmed to them how little they meant to you when you went into automatic detach/survival mode and may have easily replaced them through a rebound, which is more about your validation, or ego rather then the desire for true love. You want understanding, compassion, empathy, and forgiveness from your ex when they are willing to stay loyal and love you through your trauma and theirs. You choose not to reach out to them for fear of rejection, which is ultimately more about you, rather than them. Sadly, the potential for love and healing may never become a reality because most of us choose to live with and suppress the pain rather than face it and ultimately work on healing from it.😢

[@0Demiyah0]

Hit a topic why I believe I'm on the avoidant side of FA. I'm exactly like this. It's an enormous relief to have clean breaks in my life. It just keeps things simple. I need abundant space before I can entertain friendship.

[@ruthcardone7419]

Simple for you, perhaps, as you leave a trail of broken hearts and empty promises along the way without a care for anyone else but yourself. If this is the way you feel, why embark on a relationship in the first place. You probably justify hurting others by blaming them for being gullible for loving you in the first place. So sad for you and for your ex's whom you so nonchalantly choose to drag into your trauma. However your ex's can only go on to better. You, on the other hand, are likely to meet your expectations of failing at every relationship if you never humble yourself to seek therapy and self-awareness. I wish you healing so that you won't have to continue using and hurting others.

[@0Demiyah0]

@@ruthcardone7419 you should take a look in the mirror and deep inside your own heart for projecting your hurt and hatred onto me - a mere stranger - who has not hurt you. When I think of clean breaks - I think of the ex who beat me and raped me. Who flipped tables with food and threw plates at me. Who kissed girls in clubs when he was drunk and out with the boys. Who made me responsible for every need and itch he had to be scratched, and blamed me for the violence and abuse I received, because I wasn't perfect enough to deserve better. When I think of clean breaks - I think of the ex who hid he relapsed on heroin, and secretly met with his former ex, and lied pathologically to his family for money, and to me to not understand the truth of his actions. You don't have to wish me healing with these sanctimonious ill-hearted words. I don't need you to care, because you don't care. I hope you are ashamed of yourself. If you need healing - go take a look in the mirror at your own judgementalism and the hurt you sow yourself.

[@mikefr12]

This is a tough one indeed as I am going through this with my SO DA. Good insightful advice how to manage the conversation and myself in this situation.

[@starh.5122]

This is fascinating to learn about!

[@wildwoman4911]

I really appreciate this topic Thais, because this explains so much about the actions and the words of the man I started watching KZbin videos over. His behavior and words have always deeply puzzled me. With this video, I get it!!

[@CJ-zs4xd]

28 year marriage and 5 months past his move out and it is like we never knew each other. It is a nightmare for me, an FA. Never again would I be involved with a DA.

[@SK-no2pp]

How do you know he is only a dismissive avoidant and nothing else? 28 years is a long time .... if he left like nothing ever happened it sounds like could possible have other personality disorders. People with borderline personality usually also do this.

[@CJ-zs4xd]

@@SK-no2pp might be? He was so shut down that whwn I was diagnosed with breast cancer two weeks after he moved out, it was as if I was a neighbor-like that was his level of concern. It has been so bizarre and disappointing. But he does check all of the DA boxes. For years I said he lives like he is on a island. I thought it was my fault.

[@SK-no2pp]

@@CJ-zs4xd why did you stay married so long to someone who doesn’t meet your needs, and someone who essentially abandoned you during a time you needed them the most ( going through cancer ). Is there a level of codependency, rescuer, savior complex you have?? BPD is rapid vacillation between closeness and extreme distances which create chaos. It’s the idealization of a loved one and right after devaluation (ignoring them, arms length, being dismissive). He could be what is known as a “quiet borderline.” I would look at some of the videos by A.J Mahari on KZbin.

[@SK-no2pp]

@@CJ-zs4xd kzbin.info/www/bejne/nILJcoaNpLV7fqM kzbin.info/www/bejne/aYKYhmWoh7Wmac0 I hope these bring Clarity

[@the6ixman416]

That is very sad to hear, Debbie. I can relate to your sentiment, although nowhere near the length you experienced. I wish you positive energy and emotional strength in the coming months. You will heal. God bless

[@himanshusaini3940]

My female DA ex aligns with what you said about not wanting to have awkwardness but she was very much into staying in touch, especially given that we work together.

[@ivey5587]

Don’t know why some people complaining here I’m not even a native speaker I understand your videos very well…nice content, very helpful

[@alexandrapierri5706]

You often advice that we don't play games with the avoidants cause they are attuned to games and they'll notice. Problem is avoidants play games with people. How should one navigate that if not by playing games back?

[@pure-pisces4512]

It's soooo painful, I'm an AP who is going through this atm with a DA, work together, has been a connection for 2 years, started as work collegue then a brief encounter qhich was totally dismissed, then a year later agreed to get to know eachother outside of work to no avail on his part outside of work, but partially at work but when I questioned this he avoided again to the point of nothing, so painfully I had to accept & try my hardest to continue professionally at work & now finally another year later, he made the move which has been tough but beautiful over the last couple of months with many obstacles & vague clarification which is extremely triggering for me with false hopes & recently I needed some little clarity of we are on the same page & he once again changed the dynamics by saying he could leave anytime for another job cause he's a gypsy & isn't ready for what I want ra ra ra, that my baby steps moving forward are way to big compared to his, so no direct clarification but his actions are showing it by distance, no texts, plans etc....all of my fears, anxiety, not good enough feelings, rejection have kicked in, why Sat & do things when they had no intentions, now I feel shame that I was to much/needy, when all I did was try to adapt to his scared dismissive ways so that I wouldn't scare/chase him away, but as soon as I asked or my insecurities showed, he retracts....now I have no idea what's happening...although I guess it's clear as he said he wasn't ready for commitment, so why say let's go slow & work through together?? It's so crippling not being straight up, & reading between the lines, we were great only 4 days ago with closeness, plans etc & now it's nothing but crumbs!! He's such a beautiful man, but also has his own major wounds too, but how can he just switch off like that after I have put in so much to accomodate him..." & how do I stop blaming myself??

[@n.c.6211]

I haven't watched the video yet, but not me. Exactly...I unintentionally gave false hope, then I explained I had no intention of getting back together...so great advice!!

[@barts9413]

Hi All, I've just being dumped by DA girlfriend after almost 10 years of relationship, 2 kids (7 and 4 yo). Everything ended by her saying 'I do not love you anymore, I want to become single mom, for you it was always only about sex, I want you to move out'. There was no specific reason pulled by her, she ended all in one sentence and ZERO feedback WHY. I'm returning now from behind the 'grave' back to the world of live people, having 2 kids keeps me going and they are my whole world. Watching your videos makes me think for how long I've been with wrong person, all patterns are exactly the same. Unbelievable! As positive thing - I'm building slowly way to establish new home for me and kids, luckily I've managed to settle shared custody of kids, however I feel like also being manipulated by my ex-DA partner. Greatly thanks for your videos Thais!

[@deuxquatresixhuit]

I'm really sorry you're going through a tough time. I think it's great that you're taking steps to work on yourself, and be there for the kiddos in the best possible form. As a girl who grew up without a dad, I feel inspired to see people like you, trucking along through tough times :D As for your ex, I imagine she said what she did out of her own pain. I hope she will figure out her journey as well. Wishing you all the best in your new chapter!! One step at a time :)

[@cherylthompson2731]

I understand now. Thank you. After a year of passionate love, I made him cry. He left and blocked me. He went back to his abusive wife after begging her for a divorce. I knew that I hurt him but, he hurt me too. He is basically "friends" with his wife so, it's not a romantic thing. He refuses to talk and I know why but, this confirms it "

[@kayaxe]

Exactly my experience with my ex DA.. as an AP, this is agonizing. How do I cope with this even after understanding my ex DAs behaviour?

[@sheilacash4779]

Interesting because my ex was adamant about being friends after the breakup.

[@nainafavs]

Same. He even kept in touch with me after we broke up and I had to ask him for some space to sooth myself LOL This is so fascinating 🙃

[@sheilacash4779]

@@nainafavs yep. When I tried dating someone, he even told me that guy was no good for me, but he truly was right about that guy. He is more a part of my life than he was before, while dating. It's weird.

[@monicamurillo2084]

Adament is the exact word I would describe how my DA ex was about being friends after a break up. He said, "he can promise a bright future" and "you just wait and see how you feel about being friends. I'm here when you're ready to reach out". I don't understand this behavior.

[@nainafavs]

@@sheilacash4779 oh.. That's truly strange. My ex kind of took a step back when I told him that I started dating someone else. He didn't ask much details and I didn't feel comfortable telling him things about my new relationship so we just kept the conversation about other things in life. I'm happy for you though that your ex is sort of looking out for you x

[@nainafavs]

@@monicamurillo2084 sounds to me that he loves the idea of a relationship but is not open up to being that level of vulnerable what's required in a relationship 😅

[@cloudslady3400]

Well that didn't quite explain my experience with my da ex...we stayed friends after the break up immediately but he never respected my boundaries he was actually so happy that now he gets his needs met from me without any commitment he called it friendship but talked romantically ALL the time...as if our break up never happened then he got so emotional at one time and said "i'll never see you as just a friend" i realized then we weren't on the same page

[@kirancromie1772]

Good to know what causes a DA the most emotional pain. I will use that to my advantage.

[@lattrice3001]

Everything you described literally just happened to me a couple of weeks ago. I’m FA and my ex is DA. I posted a pic on social media he sends me snapchats messages, then surprisingly texts me after 2 years I was surprised he even knew my number still. He kept asking me if I was ok and how I’ve been, he said he wanted to take me on a date 🙄 (now he lives 6 hours away, when he was in my same city he never initiated dates lol) He apologized for the pain he caused in a way that was partially acceptable to me, but underneath I still felt/feel hurt so I kind of withdrew. My texts were short and responses were slow if not days apart. He eventually stopped texting. He didn’t even text on my birthday the following week. For some reason I feel stupid for even entertaining and confused because I didn’t want him to stop texting 🤔

[@deuxquatresixhuit]

You're not stupid at all for wanting to feel connected and desired, it's a normal human need! Your sadness that your birthday went unnoticed tells you that this sort of thing in important to you in a relationship, this is key information! Maybe this specific person isn't able to show up for you in that way, but that doesn't mean that no one can. I hope you find your person :) In the meantime, keep being there for yourself, learning and growing each day!!

[@basmahendy5431]

Yeah , the how are you message after a long period of mo contact, as if nothing happened and he's catching up with a yesterday conversation, I'm so happy I didn't fall for it even though it was hard , now after reading people's experiences in the comments I feel so grateful for doing that , and so disgusted of that pattern, I will come hear every time I forget why i should stay far away

[@nathlete87]

Yesterday evening, I got a link to a Snapchat video from my DA ex. I had told him during the breakup I’m not interested in friendship so I was a bit taken aback. It took a few hours, but I watched and responded rather warmly kind of laughing at the topic - it’s something we used to banter about all the time. After not hearing back that night I realized, this is the beginning of breadcrumbs, so I messaged saying if things had not changed to please not contact me with that sort of thing again, but that there were no hard feelings. A few hours later he responded saying he was sorry and had sent the link weeks ago. My friend and sister believe he’s lying as that had never happened before and I’ve been in firm no contact since the breakup almost two weeks ago. Just curious if anyone else has experienced this with a da?

[@SK-no2pp]

Yes I have experienced some thing similar. He added me on Facebook, and I accepted. Late he said some thing like what brings you to my Facebook? And I said you were the one who added me!! Ugh

[@deuxquatresixhuit]

I'm late to the party here, but I think your response to this situation is so great!! You recognized breadcrumbs and then put down some firm boundaries without bitterness. Amazinggggg!!!

[@GChan129]

Not exactly like this but my DA ex told me he had lost touch while a whole group of friends and after years while he was particularly sick and self reflecting he messaged all ten of them individually, trying to get in touch again. He said everyone replied but he only read four of the replies and didn’t reply to any of them again. He was clearly sad about it. I think he clearly wanted the friendships but the anxiety of not knowing how they feel about him and also coming into the conversation from a “weak” place scare him. Ie. He was used to being the funny charming intelligent helper person. At that time he was sick and couldn’t offer anything like that so I think he assumed they would probably reject him. Or possibly they would get into an awkward conversation about how they lost contact in the first place.

[@basmahendy5431]

Yes , if you reject them they become defensive and state that they don't want you in first place and that you misunderstood them

[@leolady8114]

So I have a question after watching all series on DA thus far...Is it possible for a DA to come off as wanting a relationship, revert to actually just wanting a true friendship for the companionship with the ILLUSION of a relationship to others-or for other's or their own sake so to speak?

[@december12twok12]

Alright. Too many horrible comments. Don’t let your negative experiences dictate to you who these people are, because I can tell you from personal experience that there is at least one da who remains to be one of the most wonderful people I’ve met. I made the mistake of taking what she said and felt personally, but if any of you posting negative stuff would listen to anything said on this channel, you would understand that this doesn’t come from a place of wanting to inflict personal harm. It’s a coping mechanism to avoid harm in the first place.

[@Kinteresting]

All true and I totally agree about super polarizing comments. However I think it bears noting that all have had different experiences and in some cases ‘taking it personally’ isn’t as simple as it sounds in theory- there are a vast amount of people who’ve had deeply complicated experiences and interactions stretching over years of life, with DAs who haven’t done the self work nor are fully aware of the scope of what’s happening (on either end) even if there is work being done- which can result in agony for a partner bordering on trauma or in cases actual ptsd from abusive dynamics. These extend well beyond simply not taking something personally or ‘letting it go’ depending on the circumstances and the level of at times deep wounding that can result. Sometimes that wounding can become so imbedded that it impacts the other persons attachment style, responses, or has mental health repercussions for years and on future relationships without a lot of work or help. And all of this can amount to having felt like exiting an abusive relationship, and it’s very very difficult to pull back (and I say this as an educated, empathic, compassionate person who very much cares for the person who deeply hurt me, as much as I can at this time where it’s still very raw).. and to see the more rational explanations and have compassion. Even when understanding this rationally, sometimes the wounding has been occurring for so long or has been so disorienting or the education on the topic is so far along when the damage has been done that I can see how people react and respond in these ways. I’ve been there. But I really really have to actively breathe and make myself step back and be calm and compassionate, and I wish we all could. Often it’s almost that that compassion was given too freely and for too long that a line or fuse gets reached that sets off a complete shut down for even the most compassionate, affectionate or emotionally open people. The ideal would be to understand that we are all on our own journeys and suffering and healing in our own ways. Healed people heal others also. But not everyone is ready to step up and take a positive understanding mindset yet. In those cases I’d prefer people to not say super negative things but after years of isolation and emotional abuse, I can see how venting together or exploding these emotions can be cathartic for some. It’s a balance but for sure I agree it can read as just not being understanding at all. My hope is that everyone gets there, as coming from a place of acceptance and understanding, while still putting ourselves first in a healthy positive way.. with love for others and their own struggles wishing them all well.. would be ideal. Until then, sending love to everyone on both sides of the fence❤️

[@johnnyng8527]

typical hurt people hurt people, just just wake and get healed by yourself

[@staciecook5217]

Man my heart is getting ripped out by a da I’m a anxious

[@detectivehawk4976]

I think I’m dating a dismissive avoidant and I lowkey think I am slightly one too but aware. She broke up with me a week before my birthday for what she said was a valid reason and I expected to not talk to her again but she wanted to still talk and hangout as we did. We continue to hangout and talk and even get sexual. And so I started taking that as signs she wants to get back together. But every now and then she’ll make comments about looking for someone new and make sure I know that she single. But also wants me to treat her like a gf and keeps asking if I’m seeing anyone else

[@melissamunoz8184]

This has not been my experience at all. I’m struggling to find out why our dynamic is so different. I don’t have a clear attachment style according to your quiz. I’m almost balanced in all 4 styles with the Anxious Preoccupied having a slight edge with 33%. My ex boyfriend (a strong DA) and I have had a push pull relationship of almost 5 years. He always wants to remain friends after we break up and he always reaches out again after we’ve gone no contact often times after several months. I know I don’t have the capacity to just be friends with him. I’d love to understand this better & it’s so painful that we keep repeating this pattern.

[@josecv9444]

Set boundaries and stick to them to the core! .i don’t recommend you to keep in touch. Not a healthy dynamic for what I read. He wants all the benefits about having you around but not committed. Love yourself and stop the dancing. Cheers

[@melissamunoz8184]

He’s been long distance for most of our relationship, so besides talking to me, there are no other benefits. There has been hurt on both sides. I just wonder why he’d want to remain friends given all of those things.

[@josecv9444]

@@melissamunoz8184 then you hace no thing to lose by leaving. It’s already damaged and will never be like you want. You don’t need an unavailable person, trust me I dropped my DA in eternal silence dimension, and I recovered my power. That’s what you need to do.

[@SK-no2pp]

@@melissamunoz8184 You’re just an emotional and psychological crutch for him. Some familiar to rely on for connection. Set some boundaries

[@darn6750]

I’m ap mostly pretty sure and I don’t stay friends with ex’s at all no matter how it ended or how long or much love was involved. Hurts too much as well I don’t feel it’s healthy for future relationships to have them in tow in any capacity. My ex da had contact and arrangements with her ex more than me and him constantly helping her out? and she took my discomfort with it as control or telling her who she can and can’t talk to….

[@marinatolmacheva231]

thank you for the video and for feeling supported reading the comments. Just in fresh post-break up. few days . The relationship was good, apart from him never been there for me but for everyone else , when we were apart ( most of the time) it;s like i didn't exist for him, but when together it was always amazing , caring, attentive, open.... arranging mutual holidays, very passionate , expressing affection in public. I have known from the beginning he is DA and read all i could find and watched all the materials available, didn't take things personally. been supportive , gave him all the space he wanted , expressed that i understood his boundaries clearly asked to work on our communication... it was working until i realized he still has a photo of his wife ( two years in divorce) and now flying to another part of the world as he is not over it. Never said anything openly and clearly , I had to mind read and put things together ( the person of my dream life is not in my life, i lost the purpose of life, I'm not over things , i cant replace people from the past, i need a closure blah blah) we were on a beautiful holiday together and everything was more than perfect, but this ' dream life and dream people and hopes for the past just knocked me down. I asked openly, do you want to be just friends with me.... nothing was answered clearly ... maybe yes.. i cant promise you anything, I'm unstable ... and then just went to sleep ... i could see he was hurt even though i assured him i want to be with him, i care but i don't feel the same form him... then he texted he's confused and need a talk... set the time to talk... and of course didn't call. I called myself and got - I'm tired to talk... ill call tomorrow ( well surprised he even picked up, sometimes he doesn't) but now... silence.... i know I've done what i could... but still feeling so frustrated and depressed and blaming myself...starting therapy tomorrow as these monthly turned me from a secure person to someone weak and fearful. thank you people for being open here

[@marinatolmacheva231]

and this morning he texted me that he has been drinking for two days and wished me a wonderful day.... oh pls... appointed time for a talk and called then to tell me he cant talk as busy hanging out with 'someone' of xxxx really? and sharing his plans for the weekend at the seaside,,, well... i have tried. don't take it personally, hurts as hell

[@desireewise3670]

As a DA I like clean breaks. I don’t wish you bad, I just want to move through life as if you and I weren’t a thing. I’m only friends with one ex. I think that’s only because when we broke up I only craved the friendship not the romantic aspects, we were together for 3.5 years. Some people though be qualifying short term flings as relationships. My FA partner is the same, he only maintained relationships with his children’s mother - that’s it. When he sees an ex in person he’ll barely wave. I at least ask how are you.

[@soulfulspec]

Do you ever reflect back on relationships that you ended with regret? My DA ex (dated for a year and a half) cut me out when things were going really well (obviously only for me) and my ego wonders sometimes if he ever thinks about how he acted so abruptly and misses me.

[@desireewise3670]

@@soulfulspec I can honestly tell you I have not let a relationship that I regret leaving. For me I had left those relationships physically, mentally and emotionally before I said anything to my partner. That’s my fault for not being honest about that. I mean I cut off physical intimacy and stop including them in future decisions. So when it was time let go all I felt was free. I have had feelings resurface at about 6 weeks to 2 months but I keep a list of why I wanted to end a relationship. Every time I read the list again my feelings dissipated.

[@firstladyqueen5985]

@@desireewise3670 you keep the list in your head or on paper?.

[@josecv9444]

I would take that clean break as a fact only if the DA is doing the job to improve and heal, and the not DA partner decides to call quits anyways. On the other side of the story there’s no clean break, that’s only invented by a DA subconscious programming to avoid conflict and somehow convince there’s nothing wrong with them, what takes them to leaving with no accountability on the relationship problems.

[@himanshusaini3940]

@@desireewise3670 I think my DA ex left the relationship emotionally and mentally much before I noticed and break up happened. However, my female DA ex aligns with what has been said about not wanting to have awkwardness but she was very much into staying in touch, especially given that we work together.

[@LawlessGaming13]

I never understood the point of being friends with an ex. Issues or no issues.

[@resueah7257]

I think in mature contexts it's just validating that this is someone you love and you care about and want to see win and want to support still, but romantically you can both realize you are incompatible and/or want different things

[@himanshusaini3940]

Is there is possibility as an AP to be FWB with a DA ex? (Apparently she has stayed so with another ex of hers).

[@lolelyn1]

My dismissive ex wants to be friends, he already wanted it a week afterwards..

[@the6ixman416]

That's very strange...in contrast to your experience, my ex DA ghosted me. Maybe some DA's just want a friend with benefits?

[@SK-no2pp]

@@the6ixman416 Probably, no pressure no title... just benefits

[@josecv9444]

friends with benefits*

[@lolelyn1]

Yes.. we actually were sleeping together and he is open for that.. but I don't want to repeat it as an easy thing. But he asked me after just one week after the breakup if we can still hang out together and do things together but it was to fast for me, as I was hurt.. But now (after 2,5 month) I also feel that we still like eachother as a person and we still can talk like before eventhough he hurt me.. so let's see. I feel like I want to keep him in my life and forgive him, but I will see if it's possible, because I still have feelings.

[@the6ixman416]

@@lolelyn1 Hey Eve, I'm not sure what your attachment style is but if it's AP I'd strongly suggest not maintaining any sort of relationship or friendship with your ex DA. It's very likely that you'll end up even more hurt when things come back full circle again. However, I don't know you or the nature of your relationship and why you guys broke up so do whatever makes you happy and brings you closure, but know that sometimes our emotions work against what's truly best for us

[@caitm8209]

Is staying friends with an ex even healthy? I would say no. Especially when your ex is a toxic person. Cutting them out is healthy.

[@realmext2241]

Well, I'm friends with all my ex's. I'm anxious type and 2 of them were dismissives and 1 fearful. I reached out and they agreed to reconnect after a year in all cases as they were all wonderful people and just because romance failed due to our insecurities is no reason for me to discount them as people. That's how I think. It's 20 years now and we still talk a couple of times every year, I guess it's more about not harbouring ill will than anything else. Depends on how you parted.

[@detectivehawk4976]

@@realmext2241 all your ex’s? Damn

[@realmext2241]

@@detectivehawk4976your screen name suits you well. 👍

[@85Pesticat]

I have an amazing friendship with one ex. He's the best. He's like family. We talk most days. No romance, no sex (eww haha). He's great and our friendship is healthy. Our romantic rship was much harder and we had some counselling at the end. It helped us become friends instead, I think, in the longrun. We were together for 2 years, living together, and we've been friends for 7 years after that now. He's DA and I'm FA.

[@roberttruman8444]

It can be healthy or unhealthy if you want it to be.

[@inspiredx3866]

The shutdown is real ... and say "its not you"

[@detailforward2530]

My DA kept me as a friend until she met her new guy....now she acts like I never existed... Her mom had cancer when she was a kid and I feel as thought she couldn't be the child she needed to be, having to watch her mother battle with cancer she might have had to suppress a lot of her emotions in order to support her mom. Her mom survived but would never talk about her feelings and her mom is a workaholic, works until 10pm in the evening and when she isn't working her mom is always outdoors either skiing or biking or keeping busy so I feel like she never got the nurturing relationship

[@sifublack192]

As a DA, I've only ever wanted to remain friendly (for a time) with my exes. Note how I say "FRIENDLY" and not friends. I simply want to convey the understanding that I don't have any animosity toward an ex and that our relationship just didn't work. That said, I've also never felt the "break-up blues" Thais speaks about in many of her videos. I've never regretted leaving or being left by an ex because after a little reflection, I find it was the right decision. I tend to move on rather quickly from a breakup for this reason and never have regretted meeting and hanging out with other women when I become single.

[@ruthcardone7419]

If you continue using women as stepping stones, never regretting the trauma and rejection/abandonment you cause them, one day you will run out of stepping stones, and you will sink. Why not work on getting the healing & growth you (we) all need. Why choose to be the instigator of pain in someone else's life? Why choose to live in the same rut rather than forge a new, more safer route? I understand tgat the rut can seem like the path of least resistence, but sooner or later, we all have to give an account for the choices we make & live of the harvest of the seeds we sow. In the end, it will inevitably all come back to us.

[@sifublack192]

@@ruthcardone7419 you're making a HUGE assumption based on ZERO context and information. Let me make several things clear: I don't use women as a "stepping stone," "abandon them," or "instigate pain." I respect them, their lives, their opinions, and their values. Not all my exes were bad and there are a few of them I still keep in contact with. I've never cheated, ghosted, or disappeared from my partners. I speak fearlessly from my heart, although I do admit I value my independence more than anything. People either grow together or they grow apart. If they grow together, marriage follows. If they grow apart, breakup follows. My exes and I grew apart and I needed to find what I was looking for and vice-versa. Now that I've given you some background, I'll allow you to make another analysis. However, if you come to the same conclusions as before, you may want to reevaluate how you view relationships.

[@sifublack192]

@@jKDC1987 you clearly don't know what a narcissist is, nor do you know the full story because I haven't told it. Should you be interested, I'll be happy to tell you. If not, I suggest you stop ASSuming.

[@sifublack192]

​​​@@jKDC1987 that's nonsense. I'm not using ANYONE. Those relationships didn't work out because they made ME responsible for their happiness (which is impossible btw) and essentially sucked the LIFE out of me. So yes, I was happy when those relationships ended and had no animosity towards them because they were overall good people (they just needed healing). What's interesting is how people who use your rhetoric (narcissist, toxic) often say one thing and do another. If someone walks away from the relationship and never talks to the ex again, people say "they never cared, they're so selfish." Yet when they try to remain CORDIAL instead of HOSTILE after the breakup, people call them a narcissist or say they have narcissistic traits. This shows they have ZERO self awareness and only want to control the outcome. It's why I choose now to go no contact (unless they reach out first) after a breakup these days. Some will reach out, but most won't and that's okay. All that said, there are a LOT of things I don't regret. I don't regret being homeless for three years. I don't regret failing at building a business three times before I got it right. I also don't regret any of the other crap (which is a mountain high) that's happened to me at this point. Why? Because it's made me who I am today. It taught me responsibility and accountability (something 99.9% of people in the world lack these days) Instead of looking for a partner to fulfill your happiness, focus on being responsible for your happiness so you can meet a partner to enhance the happiness you already have instead of trying to FORCE someone to fill a void you refuse to acknowledge you have.

[@detailforward2530]

My DA ex does love keeping thing simple and doesn't like complex, when I told her I wanted to get back together that wall went up fast and moved on to her new guy

[@TheBaldyheed]

I must be confused with what a DA is, you mention closeness and connection with them but I thought a connection with any avoidant wasn't possible 🤷🏼‍♂️

[@hollyjohnson1381]

But often the dismissive is not even admitting true feelings. They are trying to run. Maybe they do have strong and true feelings they can be urged toward. So how believable is their distancing? I mean, they do it, but how malleable is it?

[@SK-no2pp]

Actions speak louder than words

[@lisbeth4you]

Exactly, that’s what I said: with a DA nothing is what it seems or what he says, there are always other underlying phenomena going on, they always have a hidden agenda. So, you need to set your mind to it and let go, never return for friendship or, love, talking etc.

[@user-kl9th4dm2y]

Feelings minus fears. The engine that drives a DA.

[@anon_ya]

Hi can someone please explain “feelings minus fears”? Thank you!

[@aurinkobay7118]

naw i pass on friends after breakup .. being DA i just dont wanna put up with it .. strange thing did happen. My 1st bf after breaking up with me (He cheated), his new gf wanted to be friends with me LOL hysterically insulting .. there is just NO way to be friends with an x. "you snooze you lose, you dont deserve my attention"

[@TM-hd5iv]

My DA ex couldn't keep maintain a romantic relationship and asked if we could remain friends. I said we could. He's checked in with me twice, but nothing too substantial. I feel I can't initiate contact with him first because I'm basically the reason he was triggered in our relationship, thus all the DA self-sabotaging + de-activating when we became intimate. So, it's a bit tough to "try" being friends on my end.

[@lochiezaky-mcenroe1259]

Hey! Any updates? Hope you’re well

[@graywind8246]

I can so feel you. We agreed on staying friends. But I also never initiate contact from my end. We meet here and there because we have mutual friends. But I feel now he has his defenses way too up.

[@edsjourney5536]

I definitely do not stay friends. Once we’re over I see literally no reason to know them anymore.

[@lukasmenkhoff9035]

Hi Thais, could you do a video on how to solve misunderstandings with DAs?

[@lukasmenkhoff9035]

In particular if they leave without a word and have you totally wrong and simply fizzle away.. :/ I can’t accept the idea of NC as we never broke up officially, and without any word. So I feel this urge to fix things :/

[@SK-no2pp]

@@lukasmenkhoff9035 validate them first, and ask questions. For example: “ would you be willing to discuss XYZ... let me know when is a good time for you. “ also use feeling statements

[@SK-no2pp]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/jnvUooeVYtmpZ68 here’s here video on this topic

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

this is another video that I think will give you good insight with your question: kzbin.info/www/bejne/qpqwlYWrqLuSidU -PDS team member

[@firstladyqueen5985]

@@SK-no2pp huh validate them first?

[@lizzomso8816]

Nope I don’t and I’ll never stay friends with exes

[@joedclaudinemabala6184]

May I ask why will a DA still wants to be friends even he/she has already a new relationship?

[@fondasaurusrex]

Look up DA “phantom ex”. He could be keeping you on the back burner just in case his new relationship doesn’t work out

[@niamhhannon1580]

Should I "ghost" a DA that I've been in relationship with the past year but I've moved away and he's been ignoring me or very unemotional with his contact. Or should I be straight about how I feel without being critical but just honest and to the point.

[@arxsyn]

He deserves an explanation and closure. Do not ghost someone you've actually had a relationship with. That's not ok

[@niamhhannon1580]

I know that I was just disappointed he hasn't reached out to me with anything other than music videos or weeks of no contact. So I actually wrote him some options, giving space and starting over whenever we feel ready, or just being friends or calling it a day and thanking each other for the lessons. I haven't heard back yet, I feel like I need an answer to move forward. It's so frustrating . . .

[@arxsyn]

@@niamhhannon1580 ok what you're doing is perfectly reasonable. You gave space for him great. But you also have to honor your need for more prompt contact, connection in a way that satisfies you too. You're not a robot (neither is he). Your feelings matter too. If they don't matter to him, why should he matter to you? That's a pretty fair question to ask, right? If this is going to continue this way, honestly, this connection won't last in any shape or form. It's simple logic. "A relationship that isn't growing, is dying". Like anything in life, you have to invest in something if you want a return. This holds true for relationships too! Ask him, what is in your love trust. How much are you willing to invest? You invest nothing, you will literally get nothing and from your vantage point, this is already happening (suffer a loss). The other option is to invest and watch this investment accrue interest (momentum, gain)

[@niamhhannon1580]

@@arxsyn Haha I appreciate the analogy, yep your very right and I think I know this in the back of my head. It's just a difficult thing to reconcile. Thanks for your reply!

[@marcd2743]

Be straight up, get closure

[@anber4129]

i think im DA... idk thats what ur quiz said... anyways, i stay friends with exes or at least always carry platonic feelings/wanna come back in their life just not fully because i just dont want to let them go but also dont want to keep then either?? im not sure how to explain this... its like a backup but not even... like sort of like being around them still feels good but its just not what you want. i only do this to guys i no longer care for.

[@psi23k]

Who cares what the da wants. Do what you want and make yourself happy.

[@lmart16]

So, all these reunited love stories throughout our lives are never a DA thing lol.

[@-alfeim2919]

They kinda feel like an infj

[@MOON-pe4jm]

Does everyone else see this/your comment as 5 days ago? Its confusing me lol. And I agree with your comment.

[@n.c.6211]

@@MOON-pe4jm Maybe they are members

[@cekinci]

@@MOON-pe4jm its like first comment then Thais made the video around it lol

[@AslanFlorendo]

May be. IME I noticed them to be Anxious Preoccupied, though. They're too connected to their emotions and it's too hard for them to just dismiss em.

[@firstladyqueen5985]

@@AslanFlorendo IME?

[@busisiwemiya8152]

I discovered that I'm a DA after a very tumultuous relationship with an AP left me so emotionally drained, I felt I could never make him happy, its like all I was doing wasn't enough for him, and the little I was giving was already taking so much out of me. I couldn't breath in the relationship, I felt burned by his love and need for connection. I do feel defective, like I'm not good at relationships and feel so much more happier when I'm single. I recently entered a new relationship, I chose this relationship because i have no feelings for the person I'm dating, it allows me to engage in the relationship while also remaining emotionally distant and that makes me feel safe and secure, I know I won't be hurt. I know its selfish...but I believe in the end he gets me and I get stability.

[@Miriam-ul4ke]

Selfish as f@ck, your willingly ruining people lives that's shocking, start working on yourself instead of walking round like a walking zombie destroying people with any feeling in them. You should be accountable in life like everyone else.

[@CoddelSobers]

So toxic, why not heal rather than approach relationship in such a selfish way?

[@tracytimoteo]

Absolutely stagnant

[@hg3895]

So so selfish. Instead of looking inwards and healing you use another person.

[@gregvealetzek7214]

I didn't get a thing out of it. And I couldn't understand a word you were saying...its like listening to a Valley Girl talk ....fast with marbles in her mouth. Now that's annoying.