PRIMARY vs. SECONDARY narcissistic supply

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

It is such a miserable existence if you are never grateful or happy for what you have.

[@sushmayen]

They need new supply all the time. No amount of supply is never enough.

[@twovirginiacats3753]

True! They need backup supply. They also love to triangulate people and create drama. With extra supply they can really mess with everyone's heads! LOL

[@microdosenyc4515]

Plus they easily bore.

[@TraceyThiele-kv5gj]

Mine got it at work, family and his friends. They all think he’s the loveliest guy in the planet. Truth, he’s a vicious monster .

[@twovirginiacats3753]

@@TraceyThiele-kv5gj Ours seemed to get worse with age.

[@PerspicaciousMon]

When one cuts off contact from one, the narc will find supply anywhere and everywhere they can.

[@marysisak2359]

I cannot believe this topic came up today. I ran into a former colleague the other day whom I had not seen in decades. We are both retired. I walked away feeling uncomfortable and I did not know why. Now I realize that despite not seeing me for decades, this person did not ask a single question regarding how I was, what was I doing etc. His only remark about me was "Oh, so this is where you hang out now" He then proceeded to go on a monologue about how the university had to contact him for info (basically pointing out how important he had been), a history of who had held that position before and after him etc. In fact, he did not say a single thing that interested me and seemed irritated when I interrupted his monologue to even ask a question. I walked away feeling the same feelings I always had when I worked there - I was invisible. Now I understand his position at the university was a secondary supply.

[@JC-bu6vl]

Time reveals all. Eventually, you start to realize that these people have nothing interesting to say.

[@haarpvalencia]

Yup we know that type

[@johanna11980]

The 'never enough' is a bit scarier ... because there's never enough you can do ... never ... don't try. walk away. don't explain, walk away.

[@anacecilia.digital]

The same reason that made the narcissists want you in their life (as a partner, employee, mentee, friend, follower, whatever) is the exact reason why they will envy, hate and abuse you. Fantastic video! ❤❤❤❤❤

[@deeweezy4387]

My advice to dealing with a narcissist…..GET AWAY AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. If you wait too long, you will feel their wrath if you attempt to leave. It will be all your fault and they will attempt to turn people against you. Give yourself time before to commit to anyone you meet. These people are dangerous. With you being the only person who knows the right person behind the scenes, they could be scared of being exposed. They are good at playing the victim and may have people wanting to harm you or dislike you and you will not even know it.

[@conniekimes6019]

Yes

[@Chris-xl3jx]

I saw this happen. The wife started the divorce process and this guy could no longer keep up the act anymore. The smear campaign was horrendous. I didn’t realize a person could be that two-faced and manipulative for so many years. I thought that was just Hollywood villain stuff. Boy was I wrong.

[@WTF00007]

Another excellent tutorial from a true expert and health professional

[@WTF00007]

@@AvaJulani she’s the best

[@DominieRobinson]

You are a Life Saver and Sanity Saver Dr. Ramani , no telling how many individuals out there are now able to restore their lives one small step at a time

[@yolondagoode9656]

Yes & I'm one of them,I just new I was losing my mind it's the most scariest feeling until I found Dr R,now I'm healing & continuing to learn as I can about narcissist, I was clueless.

[@MichellePringle-t1d]

I heard as soon as the wedding vows were exchanged, the spouse becomes the secondary supply. Right after honeymoon, everything changed

[@generally.speaking]

That makes so much sense.

[@BernieMilligan]

Totally understand experienced this for (5) years, moved 500 miles from the Adult NARCISSISTIC Step Son, still the Bastard M/F demanded money to buy his wife gifts and cover his gambling losses. Had to go nuclear and at least it slowed down, but my wife or his mother still covered his gambling losses. Totally, stay away from him now. Total cut-off!

[@kayastarlove]

Yes I become secondary the day we got married... divorced him 4 months later

[@mday3821]

That makes sense...my dad was secondary supply😢

[@MichellePringle-t1d]

Marriage lasted 3 years, I had to call police one night, I was scared, after they left, he told me to get our 7month old and get the f out that he didn't want me there anymore. I left in the morning and filed for divorce that day.

[@flower23487]

When the discard happens, it's extremely chaotic. Then, years into healing comes the realization that the discard from the narcissist, is really a blessing in disguise. This means now we know reclaiming our lives knowing we don't have to live with such toxicity anymore - not even in our thoughts. It's very freeing when this realization happens, although very chaotic and unstable when it occurred in real time back then. The best way forward-looking is this disengagement from them and the lifelong lessons to carry from this. Knowing we deserve our safe love in reciprocity. With narcissists, they simply don't have the authentic capacity to truly love.

[@libsonteresa5695]

This is one of the best videos ever . The secondary supply is a topic no one talks about .

[@reneegardner2286]

HG Tudor has good videos on this topic actually.

[@JamieWhitaker-l7b]

This really helps to understand the envy of the narcissist.

[@AdlyAcebal]

Thank you so much for all your help and empathy ❤

[@noramccaffreyglaser9913]

I'm the daughter of a Narc mom and i have never felt so seen thank you so much

[@melodysanquist4834]

This is all true! I was living this when I left my ex, 6 months ago. You can do it all and give your all to these people and it will still never be enough. Your best bet is to gather what’s left of your dignity and build your future somewhere else. Best wishes to anyone out there who is currently going through this ❤

[@cymbolichuman433]

It's always insulting the way they discard people. This is what people mean when they say It's a blessing in disguise.

[@KathieMihindukulasuriya]

This was very interesting and enlightening - especially how they can use an affair to get supply and take their partner down a peg at the same time,

[@moniquejackson7741]

Brilliant. Absolutely makes Supply more clear. You are so good at this, Dr. Ramani.

[@cp9023]

I married a person so my my narc mother could get secondary supply from my in-laws. Wow! Dr, you nailed it!!

[@andrewsmall7243]

I am 62 now and have slowly come to realise by watching yours and similar videos that I have been overshadowed by so many bad relationships that have led to me to being the ducked out, exhausted semi hermit I have become. I hold myself to blame too by sometimes being to pasive and alowing bad situations to persist. However, I take some encouragement by now feeling more understanding and that I seem to find myself butting heads with narcs I come across much more often now! ..Its better to endure the little fallings out that makes them loose interest, rather than to get drawn in then regret years of soul sapping in hindsight.. Thanks for your insights Doctor Ramani.

[@angieRN73]

Thank you so much Dr. Ramani🥰

[@carolpelletier7631]

What would we do without her? A gift!

[@公主_maya]

I recently broke up with a narcissist who was a serial cheater, sexual predator, pathological liar. These videos are SO helpful. Thank you!!

[@TimothyTaylor-w6d]

This video is Awesome. I like how you make so much sense out of you're research and others, Doctors research along with you're life experiences in dealing with narcissistic clients to family. Dr. Ramani, you're Awe-Inspiring! I love that about you.

[@cassandraandrews6656]

'They want everything!' This explains the envy they feel toward others, even though they may have far more advantages than the person they envy. The envy can drive them to literally want to erase the person envied and take their place. It's crazy!

[@genevalawrence801]

Thanks, Dr. Ramani, for a video that was both validating and enlightening. I now understand secondary supply, and have a window into my relationship with my mother.

[@kathysamson5691]

Thanks for this video. You are so knowledgeable and empathic to all our plights. You have helped me grow into a better person. Thank you, and many blessings to you and your wonderful team. You rock!❤😊

[@crystalmiller4463]

Thank you Dr.Ramani Thank you for all you do. You have to know your literally saving lives.

[@lj6871]

This is such a good video and so well articulated

[@DEEJOJOHNSON]

I was the primary supply. Four months into the marriage she found new supply. I told her I wanted a divorce she begged to stay with me and asked for counseling. Two years into the marriage she filed for a divorce because she found new supply.

[@praschowta6947]

Dr Ramani, please do a vid on the "Venn diagram" between narcissism and Munchausen by proxy.

[@aureliaz1901]

I was the primary supply and became secondary without even realising. It sucks meeting such people 😕

[@ISquishWorms]

"They want everything" these three words say it all.

[@debbiejahnke8724]

Secondary supply. I was trying to figure out why my parent seemed so benign yet allowed me to raise myself. I managed to get a professional degree on my own. Nobody helped me get there. I barely made it to act testing because a teacher mentioned it and I ran down to take the test. If not for that I’m not sure where I’d be now. My parent was really proud of my accomplishments. They praised me as an adult for that. There was no criticism there. But I was criticized for my physical appearance in professional pictures if they didn’t like the way I looked. Weight, beauty etc. and if there was something they didn’t like they just ignored its existence. The good stuff was great the bad or uninteresting stuff went away. Everybody thought this person was a wonderful person. And they were charming except when unregulated. Then victimhood, induction of fear, control etc. behind closed doors for the most part.

[@yukio_saito]

Cut off the supply. ✂

[@amandaliverpool3374]

And whatever else 🤭

[@yukio_saito]

@@amandaliverpool3374 Yes.

[@stephanietrapasso1447]

I think you are brilliant--a shining practitioner of truth and light. Thank you so much.

[@WithAnEss]

This topic is eye-opening hindsight. The narc thrived from constant supply because of his employment. Then he was demoted, and the hideous, neglectful abuse worsened for me and HIS family. No different than a blood sucking mosquito looking to land on its victim. Trying again and again, only to be swatted away, never receiving the supply [of blood]. He became desperate to gain the level of supply he was accustomed to receiving from outside sources. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for another insightful message. ❤

[@alexeyvishnyakov8132]

this is so relatable... my dad is bragging about my talents and achievements (often exaggerating) to people he met 2 MINUTES AGO all the time. 99% of the time it doesn't even relate to the topic of conversation, so it just looks cringe. the same for my ex-boss, he would flex with me to certain people and discredit me to others. and yes, no matter how successful the narcissistic person is, they somehow find reasons to be jealous of you.

[@NoLOVEinFEAR333]

thank you! this video is incredibly enlightening; & I feel like I understand the concept of supply infinitely better now

[@mjeff4106]

Your videos Dr. Ramani helped me begin to understand dynamics of narcissistic abusive relationships. There's a sense of validation, esp. from a reputable source like yourself, because so many people blame victims of these malignant and toxic relationships. Sharing knowledge is so important as many have never encountered narcissistic behaviours and can feel hopeless and alone! I have discovered much about myself and my family of origin after I experienced narcissistic behaviour within a very damaging marriage. I just didn't have any insight into what I was dealing with. I'm truly introspecting, with increasing insight into said narcissism, as I navigate the deepest healing I could ever imagine. Thank you for giving me insight. 👏

[@anonymouscm7270]

👌👌👌It is sad indeed Dr. Ramani, many thanks for making this insightful talk🙏🌷🕊💝🤗

[@S.X-sr7dd]

It applies to so many Celebs esp at A/A+ Listers it's crazy... And our shallow Society praises and enables Narcs so much, it's depressing...

[@TraceyThiele-kv5gj]

Without this amazing Dr, I wouldn’t have been able to understand what happened to me . A life saver indeed. Dr Ramani , you ROCK x

[@alessandrasaenz72]

Another wonderful video Dr. Ramani thank you. You described my mother to a t again. I did well in school, providing her with secondary supply. But yes, behind that she resented me. It was also true with my singing. She made a passive aggressive remark to me after people had congratulated me on my performance in a Christmas recital I had when I was in my 20's. Another thing that is so true is that they want everything.

[@privateprivate8366]

Yes, that was my mother. She married someone with somewhat of a name in his field. But, suffered terribly, through being an unnoticed trophy wife. This is especially difficult, when you marry someone with some notoriety, who can’t find their way around the block, otherwise. So, you can end up also doing everything they can’t or won’t, like a little helpmate, when you may be smarter and more talented. Add to it, that he didn’t want her to get her PhD. So, her life turned out, in the service of his, including caregiving, when he became terminally ill. She was absolutely desperate to be able to breathe, in her own right. But, because she’d also decided to still prop up the dead, she stuck with him. It ruined what she thought of herself and she turned on me, her eldest daughter, probably, as the reason for ever being married, the first, second and third time. This is why I’ve not always thought that narcissism was nature/nurture. That people go through life’s disappointments, gritting their teeth, while others tell them it’s no big deal, that they put in tons of work, simply to have life become a steamy pile. While I don’t condone how my mother treated me and still have no guilt about going no contact, as my life is worth something to me, too, I get it. I know what it’s like, to be surrounded by people who aren’t going anywhere and who want to ensure you don’t either and I’m aware of the setbacks I’ve had, because of my response and rumination of, “OK, so how am I going to navigate and exit, the next person, so I can move ahead.” It is Sisyphean.

[@MimiandMi]

I told mum that my dad took advantage of my sister, his own daughter and she was traumatised, now all of them said they forgive dad for this horrible act but they will sue me for speaking up

[@BNyaB]

😮😮😮😮

[@JohannaVanDreumel]

I'm SO Proud of you for stepping up. Shame on them.

[@MimiandMi]

@@JohannaVanDreumel Thank you. Unfortunately didn't solve anything. But I am going no contact starting today because it affects me in ways I did not expect it. I don't have the strength to put up with a whole family against me and keep being their punching bag.

[@maria-gorettimillard6253]

Only, & most, succinct, description of these very, hidden behaviours! Most, people wouldn't recognise nor understand. Only those receiving end, generally. Posting worldwide.TYSMFS All, your, wisdom.

[@martinst7778]

I still often feel some love for my narcissist by I am stale supply and discarded and devalued, it hurts but I feel love for new people now….❤️

[@kimberly1868]

Great video, Dr. Ramani!! 😊

[@debbiejahnke8724]

I have been wishing that when I visit siblings I catch them on a good supply day. Doubt it. Thanks for the insights

[@craigmerkey8518]

Thank you so much! Sometimes I feel like you are on my phone calls and in the room ! NPD traits are sad and predictable!

[@csfiskus610]

All relationships with a narcissist are parasitic. I refuse to supply their dopamine addiction they get from taking me for granted

[@msprettykawaii950]

They cant love what they desire and they cant desire what they love

[@nalinichandrashekar]

You are a genius

[@lovefaith1794]

Yep no matter what no matter what day or occasion or any phase in life he always had to be the main event even if it meant breaking the hearts of others always thank you for another wonderful video that talks about my life. Lots of laughs. Thanks for being here you’re saving lives.

[@jessicaselenecenteno]

That’s unfortunate. Excellent video Dr. Ramani! ❤

[@katja6332]

I never thought The Cure Song 🎶"Never enough" was so real. "Whatever I do, it's never enough" 🎶😅

[@cindyhoenig6752]

This makes so much sense. I never quite understood how my children's success or mine fit into the picture with my ex-N husband.

[@Sundayjean]

The key piece - it’s never enough.

[@StephanieMiller-v8v]

I’d like to hear you perspective of the narcissist who hates when their kid has an award ceremony, refuses to go or causes a scene or creates drama to distract from someone else’s accomplishments. Including b days or important family events that are about the kids.

[@teaprofit]

When I started working with my academic supervisor, I was confused by this dynamic for months. She would show me and her other students off in front of her colleagues, take us to conferences, and encourage huge companies to work with us. But once we were one-on-one, she would turn into this bitter, insecure woman. She loved getting attention as a supervisor of talented students, going to our conferences, and networking with important people but hated the fact that she could not write anything of value on her own. It felt so weird how she desperately wanted the secondary supply but was deeply bitter that she couldn't get the primary. She wanted us to be smart and talented when we were outside, and dumb and meek in front of her. I am so glad I got out.

[@darcyroyce]

Thank you! ❤🙂

[@diamonminer1803]

This was super eye opening, especially the Secondary supply explanations.

[@eringobragh7]

Thank you Dr. Ramani 🙏🏼

[@bback4078]

My MIL is all about the cache of her high performing grandchildren and very critical/ disinterested in my kids who are on the autism spectrum. We've had to create so much distance and rarely see her.

[@susanbradleyskov9179]

There are things that make sense now, as much as anything makes sense in a narcissistic relationship, that really puzzled me before. Thank you, Dr. Ramani!

[@prpudd4323]

WOW!!! Right to the point!!

[@donnarequa1863]

Listening to you is like reading a book written about my son. 95% fits him like a glove. Now I need to learn what to do to protect myself in the future because I’m really done with the verbal best down. 😢❤

[@4CarbideGaming]

Absolutely Fantastic video.

[@phoebewhite2233]

thank you! very helpful

[@PenninkJacob]

When can Narcissism be the most important thing in the world???!!!👍❤❤❤

[@cassien7585]

My FIL got kicked out of the house on my husband's birthday because he crashed out. Now that you explained it he didn't get the 2nd supply he thought he deserved and raged out. He has a history of ruining births of children and birthdays and he *always* wants to spend "family" time in these days

[@finneysmom]

Wow, my ex spouse is in AA, he uses that as his secondary supply, is in AA, yet thinks he is above all those folks in AA, this video makes so much sense!!! Thank you. Dr. Ramani.

[@LisaSmith-yb2uz]

It’s like they are continuously siphoning their entire existence from external sources without even realizing that they’re the most dependent ones of us all 😌 (it’s backwards. Like living in “The upside down”) 😚🙂👌

[@carlinpotter137]

So, just out of curiosity, this person who kept bringing up Harvard, he didn't happen to be named Dr Frasier Crane, did he? :P

[@RyouShi98]

That's literally everyone who went to Harvard

[@theresasimpson898]

I work at Costco with the new membership scanners. A guy with a Harvard shirt couldn't figure it out 😂

[@TanyaMedina77]

10:39 sometimes it’s hard listening to these videos because they are so close to home😂!! I was married for 20 years, I’ve been feeling pretty sad as of lately because I’ve been watching what we had planned for our retirement walk out the door. At least that’s what I felt until I watched this video.😂 Everyone told me my ex was a narcissist and I just wasn’t ready to hear it yet. Before I knew what that meant before the Internet, he did receive a dx …one Provider diagnosed him, his bipolar, and the other diagnosed him as NPD. I didn’t know what it meant because there was more than one diagnosis he felt like both of them are wrong and never went back to therapy. What reminds me of all of that in this video is that when I graduated with my college degree and I worked for the government he’d really thought he had a catch. I could tell cause he was so kind to me. At first. When the competitiveness with the children became a parent as when I left because my kids came to me and asked me to help them by not staying with daddy (my youngest one went to college 4 years ago and that’s when we split up and he graduated this year with his bachelors. instead of working through our marriage, he jumped into a new relationship very quickly. In fact, I’m pretty sure he was in it before we split. I also ended up with a diagnosis of lupus, and I wasn’t the superstar employee any longer because I had to increase my self-care, which was not a bad thing. I felt like he lost respect for me in those moments. I even did all his studying in class work for his degree and passed his test, but he carries the degree. I know it’s terrible of me. Your videos helped me so much and reading through other people to know that I’m not alone and this is a real battle with humans! We threw a large party because this was our last child graduated college in May. He kept asking me if I was OK it’s almost like he wanted to see that I was sick and I was, but I wasn’t gonna let him see. I don’t know why that was so important to him. His new girl was with him and she really wanted to speak with me. I don’t want to be in the middle anymore. I used to get in the middle of it and there’s no need to. I must admit I feel a little sad though that I am the wife that put in all those years, and I did separate for the betterment of my children and that’s the best gift .. I would be lying, though if I wasn’t a little bit sad that the benefits of people don’t always think about are the retirement and all the time that I was sick when the kids became teenagers, but up until that point I carried all insurance and all of the bills. When it was his torn, it was short-lived. He wanted to be a stay at home. Dad and the kids were freaking out. Because of my decision I do not receive any of the retirement that should come to One, who has been married that long, I’m barely starting over to save again because that’s what I used(my retirement) when I had to cash out and start all over with the kiddos. I hope this feeling goes away.

[@jointhefun4]

Dr Ramani talk about pretty privilege and social psychology issues

[@amandaliverpool3374]

This is so true!

[@yasminabdull7503]

be bles doctor ramani its too late when i awake finaly iam save whith my children

[@danieltroop5132]

Thank you! You saved my sanity with my Japanese American Hafu!

[@cd15-b3m]

I’ve been a Dr. Ramani watcher for years now, but I never really understood why my brother, who’s quite narcissistic, would react positively when I’m complimented by someone else in a group of people. When we’re in private he’s a lot more critical. Now I know why he does and what it’s called. I guess in his mind it rubs off on him.

[@cassien7585]

My narc FIL tries to use his grandkids for supply. He tried to force his way up for one's birthday. I kiboshed it bc he won't be using my kids for validation. And bc he didn't get his way he didn't even call his granddaughter on her birthday.

[@ssully1377]

This is 100% my ex husband and his family.

[@nomad9338]

Dr Ramani, can you do a video about narcissism and paranoid psychosis?

[@inlovewithrach2]

In other words, they want everything but they are aware that nothing can fill their chronic emptiness.

[@bereal6590]

Turns on a dime. That's it completely, you never know what mood they'll be in!I always see it that I just happened to be there, it was never about my thoughts or feelings or struggles as a child, it was always about them. One time my father came home in a mood and just told me to get out of the house and go play, just because he wanted me out of his way, it wasn't a request

[@Lady420Ganja]

Is it possible to be both? Primary being she loves to bait, isolate, cross boundaries, disrespect, and outright bully me. For a while she would brag to her friends about my accomplishments and that im a successful chef instructor and i been quoted in publications blah blah blah…the resentment sent in when i was out of work for 4 months and i still managed to maintain my lifestyle (i know how to save). She realized that i have more money in my bank account and that wasnt something she could tolerate. Btw i live with my parents for now until i save for an apartment so its a narc (mother) and enabler (dad) that are constantly on my ass or touching my belongings or breaking into my room or opening my mail…its insanity here.

[@jiecobb8728]

So so so true!!!

[@JK-es9wu]

YEP, THAT MAKESIT VERY CLEAR

[@JustNath2024]

Guess the catch is, that for narcs they believe their outside world supply will never be enough. For survivors the experience is that we our selves will never be enough...that stings... ✨️⚓️💞🐛💝🙏💝🦋💞⚓️✨️

[@kcudahy]

I think the hard thing to wrap your mind around is that the purpose of supply is to convince the narcissist that their false self “works.” It’s like the fuel they need to operate…they seek supply because they need to maintain the self-delusion that they are special/important/“good” and because they can only affirm that through the eyes of others they are trapped in a never-ending cycle of supply seeking. Real life zombies lol.

[@LornaKirk-j7b]

How can I help my 38 year old daughter who has a borderline personality disorder who is traumatized and trying to leave her narsastic boyfriend who has constantly beaten and now strangling her. She now also is fighting physically back.

[@TouchdownJesusMB]

😢 I am Sorry about the situation. 1. Your daughter is in 🔥DANGER🔥- Strangulation is the Stop before Death 2. Please get her checked out by a Neurologist - Strangulation causes Brain Damage. The damage Must be documented. 3. The Police must be informed 4. Domestic Violence Agencies may be able to assist you. 🩷🙏🩷 Please be safe! Blessings!💞💞💞

[@shreyaindia4024]

U r messenger from God

[@cfleagle1]

Social media funnels supply right to the narcissist, 24/7, seven days a week, 365 days a year. It makes the narcissist feel like they are on a whole other level than normal folks. Higher and better.

[@StephA21319]

Do they ever undermine and sabotage the person providing the secondary supply? Even tho this would then potentially take away that source of secondary supply (not because the person leaves but because they lose their achievements)

[@HlobHlobHlob]

This is my child’s father! He gets bored really fast. Social media is the worst!

[@matthewwozniak9138]

Primary supply is at home🐈🐿🕊🐦🦋🐝, secondary is at the park🦆🐕🐞🐟, and then thirdly on the road🐍🐇🐹🦌🦅.🏞 Nature 💗supplies me with never-ending 💖supply. In my 📖fairy tale I'm 🌳natures 🎶rock 🌞star and they are 🗺all my 🤝friends/fans.✌

[@johncummings5755]

KNOWLEDGE OF THIS ILLNESS = NO SUPPLY

[@thethreadedtarot777]

9:30 YESSSS! I was thinking about Succession, specifically about Roman

[@eniggma9353]

never been clearer

[@ginkgo2021]

I think my ex partner’s primary source of supply for the last two decades of our marriage was derived from his position as a business owner. He was the boss. Prior to becoming a business owner, I was his primary supply. I got demoted to secondary when he started the business. About one year after he sold the business, his devaluation of me skyrocketed. He divorced me two years after the business was sold.

[@msprettykawaii950]

I was the secondary and his group of friends are his primary supply for social status and validation