CHEESE STRAWS, CHOCOLATE SCONES - MORE CRYING BUT STILL FIGHTING - RECOVERY

[@elzani6744]

thank you all for commenting and watching! I am behind on videos atm because I’ve been away and also changed up my whole recovery etc and realised I NEED to change and push harder and further. I know I am repetitive and annoying and I can see when I’m not thinking rationally, and I have actually had such a great few weeks of just REALISING STUFF as Kylie would say... I will try and get the vids out ASAP but I have also been trying to live a little more, and figuring it all out when you push yourself harder than you ever have is incredibly exhausting. Thank you all so so so so much for the constant love and support, and I hope you all stick around to see how awesome things can and will get (I am super excited). Sorry again, and thank you again. LOVE YOU ALL HOPE YOU ARE ALL HAVING A GREAT DAY ❤️

[@filizmely]

You are not annoying!!!

[@TashaMcGxD]

Yaaas queen

[@neleweisener8761]

I so so so hope this is IT. I hope this is the last time you‘ll ever have to say that you will actually do it and just do it! In a couple of months I hope to watch your videos and see you even more happy and healthy and enjoying your food without having to ask for permission from your anorexia. You‘re so strong and NEVER annoying! I am sending you lots of joy, strength and love from germany!❤️

[@its_msk]

It's not about being perfect and pushing harder. No one thinks you're not trying. You need to push in the right most productive way that will better guarantee a successful recovery. Filming yourself eating and focusing on food isnt going to do it. You ARE trying but need to switch gears and seek professional counselling. Pease look at therapy. I'm not watching anymore but will check back in a few months and hope you've reached out. Best of luck.

[@LittlestHoboKatie]

We are here for the long haul missy :) I want nothing but the best for you and your family. I do hope i didnt offend you with my comment earlier as it came from a good place, there is sometimes no nice way of approaching something and you need to just say it how you see it. You really are doing so well and being aware of what you need to focus on puts you in a good place to steam ahead with recovery. I have no doubt that you will get there. You're not annoying btw.. I totally get how hard it is to rewire your brain to think differently. It takes time, practice and patience . You'll get there, just keep shutting down those ED thoughts

[@daniellam6717]

I used to work with teenagers with eating disorders and psychological issues and I don’t usually comment but watching this video is very worrying, you seem so so lovely and your mum is incredible for her incessant patience and love towards you, however I’ve noticed patterns of behaviour that really need breaking asap, such as stalling before eating and the endless descriptions of what you’re about to eat rather than just eating it, try talking about normal day to day things whilst eating meals instead of talking about food you’re eating and obsessing over it and confirming how amazing things taste over and over. Your main portions are so tiny considering that you need to gain weight. Some hobbies would be a great thing to focus on, maybe some company outside your family would benefit you and also them? Even getting a little part time job? Some work volunteering with animals (they’re the best therapy)?. Absolutely no hate, just some friendly advice, I love your videos and your mum makes my heart melt ❤️ good luck sweetheart I hope you can overcome this.

[@nicolem717]

Daniella M this describes what I’ve been thinking for months watching her videos, everything you said is very true

[@edi165]

100% agree with this

[@juliansgma]

Very well articulated!

[@EnglishVirgo]

Maybe its because she is doing it on camera and showing the world what she is doing and so she feels she needs to overexplain etc Although yes, probably still very disordered still.

[@JoJo-vg9sj]

Such a lovely comment and so well articulated! I hope Elanzi reads this!!!

[@mrsf6740]

Elzani... give yourself some rules... 1. Once you have a meal infront of you, you're not allowed to speak until you have finished it. 2. Once you have your portion, you have to have another scoop/ extra something. 3. Every savory meal, you have to add cheese (because let's face it cheese makes anything taste better.) 4. You have a pudding after Every meal. 5. Hourly snacks of atleast 200cals. 6. Anything you eat eg: crisps/bag of chocolate, you eat it out of the bag and eat till your full. 7. Every kg gained you treat yourself with something that isn't food related. 8. Have full fat everything. These are just a few things I did to help my partner gain weight (not from anorexia), he has been off work for 10 months sick but is so well he's going back tomorrow... imagine the day you can go out to work, come home and tell your family about the day you've had xxx

[@jessmilton2595]

These are some great tips, i hope she reads this

[@mariez9931]

Very good tips, but please don't call it "rules" :) people with anorexia have made enough food rules for themselves in their life and can become obsessed really fast...

[@LIFELIT]

great suggestions

[@kecrn4132]

LottieLoo and HollyBoo It's just you and me - hourly snacks?? I don’t know any dieticians or ED program that would suggest that! And they def wouldn’t suggest counting the amount of calories in said snacks!

[@kecrn4132]

LottieLoo and HollyBoo It's just you and me - one more..... very NOT normal to not speak from start to finish of a meal if you are sitting with people! Maybe less talking, but not talking isn’t normal!!

[@diamondstylus100]

Best comment I've ever heard.. " Tell the anorexia to piss off, you're having cheese OK!!" I think that should be on a Tshirt!! You should hear your mum saying this every time you doubt your judgement, it's a great way of thinking. Also, listen to your sisters. Your family all love you and would never give you any opinion or advice that would hurt you. You're doing incredibly well and you will/do make your mother proud, just nourish and cherish the life she gave you... Your life is more important than this disease. Keep pushing on

[@fabsmattison]

I’d love it if your mum did a video about how her perspective of your ED is like on her and what its like for a family to have to go through. I have suffered from an ED too and you’re so brave

[@merdershewrote371]

FABIO MATTISON and maybe her other family members as well x it would be interesting to hear satara’s and alisha’s perspective even though they are really good at vocalising it on camera which I really admire! x

[@fabsmattison]

Merder She Wrote yes completely agree!!! Would be such a good video

[@kecrn4132]

Yes! That would be amazing! The whole family is amazing! I love how supportive and mature Alisha ans Satarra are! It’s so fantastic!

[@ellenholman12]

I really think you need professional help and meal plans if you want to truly start recovering! Endlessly telling yourself that you're starting 'real recovery' and will eat more is ultimately pointless because if you could do it on your own you would have done! and it just leads to you beating yourself up when you can't achieve what you want to. anorexia is an all-encompassing psychological disease and just focusing on eating more food won't get to the root of the issue , there is no shame in reaching out for professional help and getting to the psychological root of the eating disorder! I can see how much pain you are in and how much you are trying but gaining no weight and that breaks my heart. the lack of progress just makes these videos hard to watch sometimes, you're such a lovely soul and i hope that you can find a way to overcome the demons, wishing you the best and your family seem lovely xx

[@its_msk]

PLEASE listen to your viewers. Hundreds are asking about why you dont talk about therapy or go to counseling for your emotional and mental health. This disorder is a mental health issue and debilitated you emotionally. You upload these videos but wont talk about why you dont see a therapist. Your family cannot be your only support. Every upload is the SAME. Just eating with your mum and then crying. I know the struggle, but you share these videos with the public but wont take advice or at least answer when we have grown concerned. You aren't making much progress and that's just the reality. I cant watch anymore I wish I could. This isn't a recovery vlog. It's a what I eat in a day channel. You keep saying you will get better but eating different cakes and bagels isnt the solution and it's frustrating watching when Elzani, you know you need therapy. I can imagine it's frustrating for your family as well so think of them as well. You seeing a therapist will ease the emotional burden on them and help your truly begin recovery. A therapist can up with a plan to get your life back including hobbies outside of your home, a meal plan, a focus on your life goals... I understand your mums concern but she also needs to be pushing therapy on you. As a recovered disordered person I easily recognize your obsessive traits that helped your anorexia thrive have now made you obssessed with filming, talking about, obsessing over food and you call it recovery when it's just a changed focus on how food rules your life. I wonder if the anorexic mindset you are still in wants to be dependent on your mum and that part of you wants to stay sick. Then you dont have to face growing up like a regular 22 year old. I know the disorder wants the attention and care and love and you may feel recovery means you wont be your mums "patient" anymore and that may mean a loss to you, of care and love and being nursed and change your role in your family. None of this is said out of meanness, just a need to be direct. I've just been there and understand the psychology. I wish you the best and hope your obsession with filming your food will change into truly seeking real help when you want to get better. That change will save your life. Best wishes. Peace out.

[@ewajackowska4115]

It's a harsh comment but so much needed. I also believe she's not been doing well, she's been regressing

[@joannakosowska2922]

Dawny K wrote very wise words. Elzani, we care about you. Elzani, you need a professional help, you deserve to get better. I know ot is very hard but please, ask for a help.

[@HelloDollyYouRule]

I agree with you. As a 20 year old part of my relapse had to do with a feat of growing up. She needs to talk it out.

[@inhetbos]

THIS!

[@theonethatgotaway680]

Dawny K yes! Amen sister 💖

[@rachel.c.p9302]

The kindest, most loving thing you could do for your family right now would be to accept inpatient help at a specialist eating disorder unit. They love you so much, but will soon become burned out by the stress of your illness and the continual fear that you might die under their watch. This is not your fault, Elzani, but it is not fair for your parents and sisters to carry the burden, especially as they do not know how best to help you. You need to be surrounded by experts who can support you in the weight restoration process. From bitter experience, I know that this illness can destroy families and lead to others becoming unwell. Do this for YOU...but do this for them as well x

[@pippy68p65]

Best comment.

[@pancakesyrups]

I think you should challenge yourself by putting everything you want to try or even have a slight interest in into the basket without questioning whether you need it. For example treacle tart could have been placed in the basket rather than reminisced about then put back and you want to try the cheesecake so why not buy it that day, the dark chocolate wafers could be a new item to try. There’s a lot of opportunities to try new things or eat more but they are being passed up for a safe food or something more familiar. Since you ask so many repetitive questions like if you should eat something or whether it’s nice Maybe giving the control of what you eat to your mum could lift some of the pressure of making sure you eat and feeling like a failure if you don’t off your shoulders, a set meal plan could be put in place varying every week so you know what is coming but you can’t change or have to decide what you want. The more you push yourself out of your comfort zone the easier it will get but it’s the initial hurdle that you have to get over for you to get better and improve.

[@sistersnatched1463]

As a recovered anorexic, you can trust me when I say everything gets better when you just eat. TRUST ME your mum is telling you the truth.

[@elizabeth6540]

What is “proper” recovery in your mind? Only a professional can make that decision. If you knew what nutrition and therapy was needed, you’d have been better by now. In the beginning it is more calorie-based and more control is with a Dr/dietitian. Then it’s more carb/fat/protein based, then intuitive eating where it is flexible and you’re in control.

[@emilymorgan817]

You main meal portion sizes just need to be like double the size! Especially your dinner. Do you usually have input into how much goes on your plate? I think your mum should do your portions for you, a big hearty portion, more than everyone else, and you should challenge yourself to eat the whole plate. Like your mam or sister should have just given you the cheese initially if you get me xxx

[@ellawelly]

You’re doing amazing given what you’re working with- please don’t put yourself down. However, from experience I can say it’s pretty impossible to recover without the help of professionals. You need to be inpatient or on a day program, or at the VERY least on a strict meal plan set out by a dietician. I love how your family are trying to be supportive but they are not trained in treating this and it’s such a complex illness that you need therapists, dieticians and medical professionals to recover. It breaks my heart that you are blaming yourself for struggling- it’s like trying to fight cancer without a doctor!!! No one would expect that! Please please seek help from services - you got this ❤️

[@finkpanik]

Completely agree with professional help. As a random stranger on the internet I don’t want to give unsolicited advice, but as a “recovered” anorexic I feel like some form of therapy is needed to find out what might be the underlining reason for the mental disorder - otherwise it’s like a vicious cycle of relapse and recovery. Having said that it might take some time to find the right therapist, either way recovery is not plain sailing unfortunately.

[@HelloDollyYouRule]

Is it hard to get help in the UK? I’m from the US and from what I’ve watched the UK seems hard to get help.

[@finkpanik]

Megan Pardoe if you can afford to go private it’s easier but now easy. On the NHS there is a long waiting list for mental health issues. Also, Elzani being an adult makes it even harder - it will take referral after referral after waiting list after referral ad nauseam. From experience, quick efficient help comes either through so called “NHS postcode lottery”, a passionate GP, or sadly being on your deathbed.

[@sangwoo4151]

I really agree with you. I am sorry to say this to Elzani but she should shut down to make videos and film herself eating etc. She should really go for professional help cause from what I see in her videos is that i do not really see any progress on her body or her mind. I had anorexia myself and I can tell you, I wouldn't make it myself. I really thank my professional help I got 3 years ago.

[@ellawelly]

finkpanik I completely agree about giving medical advice when not trained- i try not to! In this case my *unprofessional* advice is just to seek help from someone actually trained. She’s doing so well considering- I got absolutely nowhere before I sought help. All these comments offering help are heartwarming but worrying because she needs an actual professional team !

[@brittneyakabeezus260]

I kinda feel bad when you went THROUGH this part of healing b/c you are going through. I can tell EVERYONE is TIRED, FED UP yet still loving you. Your beautiful, wonderful mother is to that point where she is OVER it as you are OVER yourself. I am GLAD you fought, you fight b/c my disorder was a narcissistic ex- & it was not the food that I feared it was his hands I feared, his mouth his looks. Very proud of where you are now. Love from the USA.

[@EmilyCx33]

This was hard to watch. I see youre really struggling, you should try to get some help from a professional. There’s nothing wrong or embarrassing about it, you really deserve to get better and sometimes a professional can help you understand what’s going on better than your family can.

[@katherineellen3215]

EmilyCx33 ❤️

[@joannakosowska2922]

EmilyCx33 very well said. Elzani, you need a professional help, you deserve to get better. Please, ask for a help.

[@onlyme7308]

This was heartbreaking to watch. 1. It resonates 2. Your struggle revealed so raw and I could see the pain 3. The frustration at the table because it often becomes a battleground 4. The love of your family who just want you better and 5. The fight between Elzani who wants recovery and the anorexia coming to the fore and trying to pull you back to its grip. This is recovery, it’s a rollercoaster of epic ups and downs particularly the first year or so. As you get stronger, you’ll have energy for other things like friends and your hobbies again. At this time your body and mind don’t have room for much else but recovery. And as the food-obsessing fades, there will be so much room in your life for anything you choose to do. But the journey is never doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome, it’s constantly being well outside the comfort zone and feeling most of the time like your spiralling out of control. But you really are not. That feeling is the anorexia talking. The hardest thing is the world is to separate from the illness because even though it’s an abusive partner, it also feels safe because you know it inside out. But like ALL abusive partners, they need to be left BEHIND in the dust so a doorway to a new, rewarding, exciting life can be walked through. You know all this because you’re a smart cookie. Recognise its voice and its potential power to undo your happiness and always do the opposite of what it says.

[@marieburkhead5272]

Good comment!

[@MadisonTiahn]

I truly think you need too have a think about how you can develop a sustainable eating pattern. Whether that is a meal plan or eating what your mum eats 100% or something like that, you need to in some way I think have the control taken off you because it is obvious your illness controls everything you do (your eating disorder tape plays over and over with what you say). Until you are in a better place, maybe mum should take over ALL food choices? I know that helped me more than I can say. Sending love. X.

[@runningrigert]

Same. My parents oversaw everything I ate when I was at the initial stages of recovery. I probably never would have done it without that because it's overwhelming trying to decide on our own.

[@irenem6361]

The amount your mom eats wouldn't be enough for you. Rather eat (at least) the amount your father eats. With hard physical labor and seemingly a lot of muscles to maintain, his calorie intake should be at least near what you need to eat.

[@chrissygo]

Your Dad: “The only thing you’re ruining is yourself”... 🙌 Well said❣️I’m on the same struggle bus, Elzani. We both deserve better... Lots of love 😘

[@lemonsqueezyYT]

Elzani, stop thinking you’re not doing a good job of recovery, waking up everyday and fighting your mind is incredible in itself and you should be proud of how far you’ve come already, like you said all you used to live off was porridge and look at all the amazing foods you’ve tried recently, yeah maybe you’re not eating enough but I know you’re trying your best and I know how hard it is, you need to remember that not everyday is going to be amazing and that’s ok, it’s ok to cry and it’s ok to not be ok 💕

[@bmmtns]

i totally agree!

[@kecrn4132]

Life With Lauren - so agree!! Elzani, sadly, recovery is NOT linear! You are going to have days that are much more difficult than others. You ARE doing real recovery! You have been doing it for months!! There is no such thing as a perfect recovery! Trust me- I fell into that trap, hardcore. I would love to see you able to be nicer to yourself!!💕💗💓💖😘💪🏻

[@miskahriska9171]

Am I actually the only one who is wondering what she ate before her eating disorder every time she says "first time ever having..."?

[@gemma_dancer4169]

I’ve notice her say that all the time but a few times she’s then said “well I mean since before the Ed” so I think she just means she hasn’t had it in years and doesn’t remember what it’s like

[@lagoskids8011]

Happy Mother’s Day to your mum, because she really is wonderful!

[@jaimillugo7530]

I am not sure why this made me want to cry💔

[@emmaparr4695]

Hey I know loads of people comment about getting a therapist and all that but honestly from binge watching all your videos, it looks like a part of your anorexia is you wanted food to be perfect and because you couldn’t decide it was easier not to eat anything at all. And now your trying to have the perfect recovery when there is no such thing! And that may be why you always have to keep restarting because the recovery isn’t perfect and you need it to be? That why I think a therapist would be really helpful for you!

[@marieburkhead5272]

Good comment...this really resonates with me.

[@jaquelinegonzalez9411]

If you were debating on getting the baked good due to the fact that you didn’t know where you were going later, that means you still have that compensatory mindset. You should really get rid of that mindset if you really want to get better. I believe in you! And again, you DO NOT need permission to eat. I challenge you to 1. Stop asking your family if you should eat something and 2. Don’t feel like your mom has to eat everything with you. You definitely need a whole lot more food than her!

[@LIFELIT]

Jaqueline Gonzalez lol seriously i bought a whole box of (dairy free) ice cream sandwiches and ate most of them in my car before i even got home

[@amazing1933]

Mia Luv haha I love dairy free ice cream!!

[@LIFELIT]

Amazing 1 cruelty and guilt feee lol and soooo yum

[@emsst2572]

“Tell the anorexia to piss of your having cheese” yes!!!!!!!!!!! Best thing I’ve ever heard from your mum yes elzani your going to have whatever you want!!!! Xx

[@sarahclemo5924]

I'm starting to feel like KZbin has become a way for you to continue obsessing over food. I'd rather see you getting healthier.

[@gemma_dancer4169]

Sarah Clemo agreed

[@CatherineIsDead]

You have such a supportive family - it honestly helps me just by how supportive they are of you. You're videos are helping so much, thank you for these

[@bmeggy11]

You are helping so many people by documenting this real life situation. You have come so far. You should be incredibly proud of yourself! You are demonstrating such bravery and through the mental anguish of this horrible disease!!!!!

[@aliceincrazyland3946]

I have noticed your mum being the sightest but more pushy- just the right amount and I am so glad for it. I think you need that. And I’m glad that you have it. For me, it’s my husband (only he’s a little less friendly about it some times when he gets too annoyed) I’m so glad you’re putting so much effort into this!

[@Allnuts-H]

Don't skip on oatmeal! Just change and or add toppings! My oatmeal i add pumpkin seeds, raisins or other dry fruit, fresh fruit & always a teaspoon "or 2" of nut butters

[@katep448]

Although I’ve never suffered from an ED myself, my sister is a recovered anorexic. From my experience of her illness, I’d really recommend looking into seeing a therapist. My sister was an outpatient and her recovery was so much faster once she started seeing her therapist. Please look into it Elzani (and your mum!), we only want the best for you ❤️

[@ameliawiseman1158]

Seeing this video again and how your saying “ I’m annoying everyone” “I should be normal” “I’m not doing well “ You have such a negative perception of yourself I really think you should have some sort of counselling or therapy even if it’s for a short while to try and raise your self esteem :)

[@saff1257]

you showing how sad you get, then keep fighting is the strongest thing ever. we’d expect you to cry, i cried loads in recovery. the fact that you keep going so much shows suchhh a strong endurance and motivation and i’m so proud of you!

[@tofutofutofu444]

food doesn't have to be a big event, i promise it doesn't matter if you don't document it fully, or describe it, or think it's the best thing you've ever tasted. it doesn't have to be overwhelmingly 'worth it'. what matters is how well you're doing and the fact that it's sustaining and fueling you, and that it's nice of course 💘

[@Ella-ps1lg]

Also your mum was absolutely right - when your weight restored the mental symptoms, the panic, the obsession with food etc will just go - your brain is malnourished so of course you get all these mental symptoms. Try not to think of the anxiety or food obsession as "you" its the illness and those of us who've had/ have anorexia have all been there. Mumzani " tell the anorexia to piss off you're having cheese" ! Yaaasss!

[@kecrn4132]

Ella - i didn’t find that the obsessions « just went away » but they certainly got easier to deal with and ignore or tell them to piss off! It also became easier to realize it was an anorexia obsession and not the truth.... it def gets easier to accept a higher weight and good meal plan when we get to our set points

[@Remy4300]

Kelly Cannon me either I’m weight restored but I still struggle

[@Ella-ps1lg]

@@kecrn4132 You're right - it's not that way for everyone. I see in some people the obsessions just go with weight restoration and in some they don't - wish I had the answer as to why - maybe it depends on the reason someone developed an ED in the first place? - recovery is different for everyone I guess. I wish you & everyone suffering a full recovery & a life of freedom from this hideous illness. x

[@rachelthompson668]

There is nothing shameful or bad about crying in recovery, I cried over yogurt, over pizza, over cheese, over flapjack, over chocolate and each time I felt like I was 'failing' but I was overcoming something and building a new future, if it doesn't challenge you it doesn't change you. The afternoon tea looked amazing! - you should go there more often! Your mum is right as you get better physically and begin to gain your brain catches up and you get better mentally, you CAN do this, I believe in you, keep challenging yourself and you will get there xx

[@KristiCats]

Elzani, You and your family are all delightful. Thank you so much for allowing us into your lives, for being yourself, and for sharing with us so many of the beautiful and "divine" times that you and your family have together! :-) I am cheering you on from afar!

[@coadymcmahon8681]

You keep saying you’re gonna eat more I know you have good intentions but you’re just not well enough you should have a meal plan or have all control takeaway from you and when you’re more better you can decide how much you need

[@mylesminier6466]

Yay! First viewer and first comment!! I love you! Truly an inspiration to me!! I was at work last night and I was thinking. I honestly feel like you are an important person in my life. Like a friend I wish I had with me. You be you and continue being strong!

[@wicklandtube]

I love how your mom is so honest with you and that you are so accepting of her words and y’all yourself through things. You are so aware of your actions and working an hard. And your mom is so perfectly gentle yet firm. Great duo!!!

[@nuria9333]

Recovery is a journey. There will be many ups and downs but what's important is that we keep fighting. Don't beat yourself up for stumbling across the way, focus on each win not loss. The more you focus on what you've achieved (even if it's just one small thing) the more resilience you build. I know this is easier said than done but it's not impossible. I still struggle with it every day but as long as you keep fighting you'll get stronger. Recovery isn't a straight or smooth road, it's windy and bumpy. There's no certain way to recover everyone is different. You have done so well so far, keep fighting and remember focus on your achievements, no matter how little! Stay strong ❤️❤️

[@CristinaSadaka]

You have such an incredible support system. I know you love your family so much you can just tell in all of these videos. I also an ED at 13 and still struggle with it as a 27 year old adult. My parents weren't nearly as patient and kind to me in my moments of weakness. These videos would have been so helpful to 13 year old me, when I needed the support system I didnt have. Your mom especially is so lovely. Thank you for sharing this journey. You 100% will be on the other side of this. You are doing so well especially all of April. I am so proud!

[@td2884]

Yeah, recovery at this point does NOT include running and training for a half marathon. That's your ED having a fantasy of exercising too much and burning calories. That's why your mom reacted as she did. I think she is terrified and I think her reaction is justified.

[@lolapoggg2037]

You are not horrible, don’t think there is a bad bone in your body. Such a sweet person, so sad to see you struggle x

[@xcookiewolfx9959]

Ahh yes, another video to make my day! Thank you Elzani from the bottom of my heart for sharing such an important part of you life with us, its hard for some people and it truly shows how STRONG you are when you keep up the consistent work with your Recovery and these videos, you inspire me greatly in my own recovery, which im sure i have repeated countless times, but its true. ♡ Please however, remember to take some time for yourself as well, as much as i love the videos and want to see them as often as possible, dont feel compelled to keep up to a video uploading schedule if it doesnt work out some days, we will all understand and everyone is more than okay with it. Unless you enjoy this to the point where it doesnt seem like any work at all, then of course keep up the absolute amazing work! Love you Elzani, i send you all my love and support from Ireland. ♡

[@Kickine]

I only found your channel randomly 3 days ago. I can really see a change from these to your most recent videos of the last few weeks. Girl you doing it. Changing your mind set slowly but surely. Don't go backwards. Keep going!

[@TashaMcGxD]

I think the fact you are finding recovery tough proves you want to get better and beat this shit! Anytime you feel overwhelmed or struggle just remember why you're doing it

[@laurenzion6561]

Elzani, I just wanted to let you know that you have inspired me in so many ways to battle ED. I know recovery is rough; it is probably going to be one of the hardest things you will ever experience. You are so strong for choosing to recover! I know it may seem like there are an overwhelming about of bad days that just seem to keep occurring, but this means that you are getting closer! The harder it is, the more you are beating the eating disorder. I struggle with bad days more often than good ones, and I know it seems like you will never get better. I also struggle with feeling like I am annoying my friends and family because all I can seem to think about is food and whether or not it is good, how long it has been since I have had it, etc. However, your family loves you and they accept that this is hard for you. They will never understand how hard it is, but they will always be there for you. Sending you all the love, happy thoughts, and encouragement. xx

[@leahkrilova4970]

Don’t be so hard on yourself honestly. Recovery isn’t meant to be a smooth journey, you’re going to have days when you do better than others& not so well on the other days. It’s not always about the physical side, but more the mental side. As long as you’re more aware of your disordered habits day by day, the better you’ll do the next days because you’ll be more mindful of your thoughts and actions. X

[@Roos8891]

Try not to be so hard on yourself, there is no right or wrong way to recover and I feel like you may be trying to hard to be “perfect” at it which could also be part of the problem. You are doing well in your own way and each of our journeys is individual so think of how far YOU have come with your challenges and maybe write them down to look at when you feel like you need reassurance? Take care and sending lots of love xx

[@xellarockafellax]

You can do this elzani. You are amazing!

[@microcranny]

Maybe you should consider starting to follow a meal plan to make sure you’re eating enough and lessen the guilt! You’re amazing Elzani we’re rooting for you x

[@marywilson5192]

You're dad is so adorable. You should have him in more videos. I love the way he just tells it like it is. I think it's what you need to hear.

[@espie5106]

I'm so proud of you Elzani, your doing better than you know. By fighting this everyday, you are doing so great! You will rediscover your interests and who you were before the eating disorder when you get better. That's what eating disorders do, they mess up your emotions and the way you think about every thing. Believe me, I've been through what you are going through now. It gets better, trust me, just hang in there and put your mind to it! Believe in yourself, you are worth it, and you deserve to be happy and healthy. ❤️❤️💖

[@angelarodriguez1471]

Youre so strong and beautiful!! You have support from all of us, WE LOVE YOU💕💕❤️

[@melijxx]

You're really strong Elzani and I know how hard this is. I do think your portions look rather small though. Rooting for you, don't give up.

[@carolinealling361]

You are my biggest insperation! Love your videos, They hjelp me so much. My name is Caroline from Norway , just turned 19. I have struggled with an eating disorder (anorexia) since I was 11, at least that was when I got the diagnosis. After many hard years of pain, hospitalization, suicide attempt. I now can’t go to school because of my heart and social anxiety getting worse each day. I’ve been away from school 2 years now and are isolated from people and the world around me. I have my mom that helps me, and I also got your videos. They help to motivate me. It is hard for people to understand eating disorders and how exhausting it is to live in a world of horror everyday. It takes over everything you love. It is not easy but you are doing it! With help of your funny, nice and amazing family. In the middle of your recovery you take time to inspire other people to get better. That is incredible! Me and other people watching your videos can recognize themselves in the same situations and struggles, but at the same time get the courage to overcome them. Seeing you enjoy food and try new food made me realize how much I’ve missed. Now i have tried so much and I am in love with the world my eating disorder have taken away from me all these years. It’s a har job, but worth it! Thank you!!!!

[@Ali-ct3xc]

Could you make a food plan to take the pressure off choosing all the time? 3500 cals a day target. Protein shakes, smoothies inbetween meals. Maybe use the obsession with calories to your benefit to get weight restored. Keep going, we're all for you and willing you on xx

[@ceilingfan1813]

Your Dad is so sweet

[@Pushingupdaisy]

“Tell your anorexia to piss off and have your cheese” I love your mum so much ❤️❤️❤️ I have watched your videos every day since I’ve come across them. Although I don’t have an ED, it’s reassuring and comforting seeing someone showing the thought processes of someone who is mentally ill. You are amazing Elzani and I have cried and cheered you on every time your family do! You are a girl boss

[@holachi6679]

Recovering on her own at home just isn’t working for her I’ve said it time and time again she NEEDS a professional team who she can work with who KNOW the foods she needs to eat to gain etc. Her mum is amazing but she can’t help her that way, “do you fancy it” or “have what you fancy” isn’t an option in recovery. One day yes!! But right now she isn’t going to fancy the amount she needs to eat....well her ED isn’t going to fancy it but that’s what she needs to do to get better and to gain!

[@DontStopLaughing101]

I know you’ve had a lot of comment saying similar things, and telling you the reality of what you’re showing. But I just think that instead of focusing on eating things like chocolate and pastries you generally just need to have bigger portions, and also stop asking other people what you should and shouldn’t eat. Instead if you think you should eat it then just try it. I know that sometimes your eating disorder mind might tell you not to but don’t sit and think about what you’re eating too much. Instead just eat it, because otherwise you will get yourself into a vicious circle of thinking and getting upset about it Also stop being so hard on yourself, a journey isn’t linear and it won’t be positive every step of the way. But, you need to believe in yourself and your ability to do it. It’s about how you come back from negative situations not about the negative situation. I also agree that you should look into therapy. And stop doing things for other people, you’re not getting better for other people you’re getting better for yourself, because it’s your body that needs it. Sending love x

[@Ella-ps1lg]

So many people in the comments telling you what to do here - your head must be spinning - but to add my two cents - how about doing Mini Maud and if calorie counting is triggering for you (is for me) would Mumzani be able to do that for you? Basically you're eating normally which is Great - but you've skipped a masssive stage - ie recovery eating - inutitive eating will be there for you when you're healed, but your're not there yet. Also do you think you're resting enough? no half marathon this october ! Love you so much!

[@danielleh2642]

I know this has already been said but it's so so important. There is no shame in getting outside help, it doesn't mean that you aren't trying hard enough. I have been watching since you started this and there is so little improvement and even some worsening in your behaviors and it's so so scary to watch. We all care about you and only want the best but this isn't working right now, you need help. I would recommend going private, and looking at more inpatient care.

[@aristahenriot7450]

You are still in recovery as it takes time, but we are all behind you and wishing you well xx

[@user-oe1mo5ds8c]

Elzani, I challenge you to eat DOUBLE of what you would normally have. Your body needs more food than your mum, your sisters, your grandma and your dad.

[@jaspert1914]

I’m sad to see you still engage is obsessive behaviors like showing food once everyone else has started eating, asking people relentlessly if they think it’s good or asking someone else if you should have a certain food. You need to take control of what you eat yourself because that’s what you’re going to have to do for the rest of your life. You can’t rely on someone else to tell you to eat something. That’s easier said than done, I know and recovery is not linear so if you have bad days, it doesn’t mean you’re failing.

[@TheNorfolkCyclist]

Your mum and dad literally melt my heart, the love for you is real

[@bmmtns]

idk if you’ll read this but i just wanted say, you and your videos have really changed my everyday life. in silly and serious ways. i smell my food so much more and even tell my boyfriend to smell foods, it really savors the moment! and serious ways like motivation. you having the motivation to upload these videos, become more vulnerable and so honest makes me want to become more vulnerable and keep trying to better myself each day, like you. even if you’ve failed or something didn’t go as plan, the fact you still try is amazing. you can do this ❤️

[@elizabethcardelli]

Sounds tough what your going through. Love to hear more about your experience in hospital and videos of your experience you mentioned you filmed some if it. X

[@cyclemania6280]

You have so much good, caring advice that you don’t need anymore. I was just watching the beginning when your mum says she is still scared of you dying. I just want to give you a reality check- I have bee watching your videos from ICU, not because of anorexia but I got sick and was unable to eat for a fortnight and it resulted in my electrolytes being so bad I am in icu, hooked up to monitors for a week and having my heart stop. And that was from having an illness and being unable to eat for a short time. Just think if I was otherwise healthy and got an illness that stopped my heart from not being able to eat, I am not a medical person but I am terrified about your heart and your lovely mum or dad walking in to your room one morning to find you. You are not annoying, I would rather see you alive and sorry for stressing about food than dead. They don’t find you annoying, them singing to help cheer you up is proof you must get better. Maybe remembering that bad things happen not just to other people, but everyone, maybe motivating. I know you have in been hospital before, but some people take more attempts. maybe going in for a short stint to have a high calorie forced diet where you have no choice will help you gain the weight your brain needs to do real recovery. Your brain is so starved now it is such a big ask of anyone to choose food and eat it, but with some added kilos, it will be so much easier for your brain. All you talk about is food, with more nutrition you will be able to think of other things, have hobbies. Your excitement was a company bringing out 2 new flavours of chocolate- that shouldn’t be the highlight of your day. It is hard to see you like this - not because you are annoying as you always say, because you deserve life. And you have an illness, not your fault, like my getting sick and almost dying. Not my fault and I am sure my family wasn’t annoyed at me.

[@emilybirchall5962]

Showing your true struggle is really brave Elzani and hopefully you will read and take the advice of your viewers- it is only out of concern for you but you are obviously not able to think for yourself right now- tough loves means honest criticism for your long term benefit. Your whole life is now centred around food and that is quite dangerous for someone with anorexia. Recover to have a life filled with health, freedom, strength, friends, quality time with your family so they can enjoy their lives too, a fulfilling career, travel, babies, and all the wonderful things that being in a healthy body and mind will offer you! Not just to eat nice food- food is just fuel to make the most of life! With so much pressure on every meal it must be so hard for you and your family too- it must affect your sisters thoughts around food too. I can’t tell you how much your vlogs help me as I have had anorexia for over a decade, but you are really stripping it bare for me and in some ways making me realise how far I’ve come in learning from how deep you are still in your illness. Feeling awful from eating something will pass, it’s short term. The benefits of recovery are long term. Do opposite actions to your anorexia thoughts. Eat double what your mum eats- she shouldn’t have to eat all the time with you, she isn’t ill. But if you do eat together- you need double her portion. The quicker you do this the quicker you can start living your life again rather than life in a food centred bubble. Don’t compare to anyone. They are all living their lives, you are not, so you are different. Your body doesn’t have a chance to regulate itself at the moment, so don’t worry if it asks unpredictably or irrationally, get better and it will start to trust you and find it set point. Keep going, you do have it in you to do this but I think you need a stronger force to pull you through these tough times and keep you on track, you have such a powerful mind I think your family are out of their depth. Only you can do it, but I do think you need regular therapy right now. Watch Megsy Recovery, she has helped me so much and where I can relate to you and your thoughts so much, I relate to her in the same way, so hopefully you will too! We are all behind you- you can make this such a success and help so many people through showing us how it’s done rather than how to get stuck wasting life. I know I’ve been harsh, but I need this too. You are so intelligent, you can be amazing when you are healthy enough to channel your mind into living your best life.

[@marieburkhead5272]

Not harsh at all...very good comment and advice!

[@prisvis3163]

I believe you're trying, but in this stage it's not enough. Months pass and you're still on the same weight or less, but NOT gaining. The illness is mentally too strong to do it yourself, even if you want to try it by yourself, with your family. It's too much and they're too close with you, it's even not fair. You've to do this for and by yourself with the professional help you need and deserve. Recovery is going hand in hand with independence... (the most difficult thing ever, I know). Every time you feel like you failed and start a new perfect recovery road, *that's* exhausting. Go inpatient, restore your weight there (your brain isn't functioning properly now, it's a fact/proven that it's undernourished when you're underweight), try to figure out what's the cause of your ed-work on that with a therapist and THEN it's time you can challenge/focus yourself with different kind of foods. The first thing of REAL recovey is not about different kind of foods it's about the amount of food... Hope you will read the comments. I think they're hard to read, BUT I also believe you know it's true (deep inside). You're the one that decide to put this on KZbin... think about your intention. There are a lot of (young) girl, with an e.d., watching you and see you as an example. Think about it... what's the reason you necessarily want to do this yourself at home? *Recovery means independence, growing up and let go of all control* - scary I know. But if you don't, you will not recover. You CAN do this, but choose your battles. XxX

[@prisvis3163]

I'm also not that interested in how amazing and devine the foods are. How everything looks and tasted. Just want to see you doing well, eat MORE (whatever it is, it doesn't have to be amazing and look nice) and only talk about food (repetitious ober and over about the same thing). I like/want to see what you do *besides* food and thinking about it 24/7, see you play the guitar, singing with your sister(s) like last video, talk with your family about everything besides food, just normal life and see the Elzani behind the e.d. I like to see YOU! -X- 'I'll make you proud some day', you said. Your mum:'You just need to eat more'. They're afraid you'll die some day... you said you didn't realize, I think you do realize and know they're scared. But if you say you do, you (your e.d., but you're the only one that's in charge of the e.d. and can change things) have to face that you're responsible for that fear... (I said I didn't know (and many with me/us)... but in fact I knew, just didn't want to take the responsibility). It's frustrated to look, it's not healthy for your family this constant e.d. struggle. You're scarer you're annoying and mess up family moments, well... that's one of the reasons you need to work on this outside your family house. Ps: Want to run a half marathon in august... that's insane. Be weight restored in august THAT'S something to be proud of. AFTER that you can start running or building muscles. Until that time it's not even responsible to go to the gym ir start running. You ruined your body for so long now, it needs time to recover and rest. Sport isn't healthy when you're underweight! *For mum and dad* ... I've had an eating disorder for 17 years. Believe me, she NEEDS more specialized help, even if she doesn't wants that and convince you she will and can do it herself. She can't... believe me. It'll be an endless road. I know you love her to the moon and want to believe her, but the eating disorder part is way too strong. Sometimes love and trying to help isn't enough. Also often all the love, help and attention maintains the illness... Please think about a boundary for yourself as parents and as a family. Even if she starts to eat a little more, there're so many aspect that needs work too, otherwise there will be no change or only for a short time. Sometimes love means, taking distance and facing the fact that love and empathy/encouraging isn't enough to save the one you love so deeply. *really hope you read this*

[@lillierose5241]

Always inspiring, much love 💖 you are making progress bit by bit, I have faith in you 💖

[@psychedlicsouljam1995]

Your family is so amazing.... wow! That includes you, Elzani. You're a beautiful person and everybody is rooting for you

[@diandragomez6208]

Sending you much love and healing, love your channel!!

[@parisb2440]

just wondering if your mum has always been a stay at home mum, or if she gave up her job to help you through your recovery? Stay strong, love you.

[@sarahlou3017]

Elzani, keep going lovely, you are not this eating disorder , you are amazing and lovely , you have an illness but it doesn't define you, be kind to yourself You are at the point where you need to take the next big step and push , you have been fighting for a long time and now its trying to fight back but you have got this , there may well be tears and anger but dont give in to anorexia , oposit action really work , do what scares you every time and once you do you've won , each little win makes you better and i cant tell you how true it is , the whole world really does look so much better and anxiety fades to nothing when your body has all the food it needs . Its really like a whole new world and the peace is so worth it ! I cant wait for you to get to live in peace ! Is amzing , you can do this Elzani . We are all rooting for you . You are so strong

[@bethanyscott1894]

I honestly think you should consider going back ip, I think you need a break, and your family need the break just as much

[@smagidson8334]

Your moms face at 5:56 is priceless! I love her!! She's so wonderful!

[@user-in4cs5iz7p]

Challenge video: your mum portions and cooks all your meals for the day and you eat everything she gives you. And you cannot he around her when she prepares it xx

[@hausofasmr6075]

I think youtube is a hobby/interest for you! You are doing a great job Elzani. I’m not sure if you are also going to therapy, but that might be helpful for the mental side of the eating disorder. Lots of love elzani you can do it.

[@carina914]

my heart breaks for your family. i think it is so honourable that you are real and show us your journey on camera. I think you genuinely enjoy the food when you allow yourself to have it. but i agree with others that you should definitely have some talking therapy with someone professional, not just your mum. please take sessions with a counsellor who specialises in ED just to offload and work on your OCD. i also completely agree that maybe animal therapy with horses could be a really positive thing to try.

[@Rose-mf2vz]

You seem so much happier than you used to be and you look so much better! Keep up the good work!

[@WhateverWorksDoll]

19:34 I have so many breakdowns like these. You're not alone hon. I wish my family was as helpful as yours in this. 💜💪😊 it is okay to fall as long as you get up again. And also if you want cheese, go get that cheese. The cheese wants you to chose it. And the cheese is honored to be eaten by you to make you feel better🍀

[@kitanajones172]

I’m so proud of you for finishing that cheesy twist! You were doubting yourself at first but pushed through it and never gave up. Your showing progress, even if it’s small steps your doing so well! don’t over think just eat eat eat, yum! 🥰

[@aliceincrazyland3946]

Next time, ELZANI! Get the cheesecake! I got some for the first time in a very very long while. It was a mini sharing cake, it came with five different flavors and I only ate a bite of every slice but the point is- I ate it! And I KNOW you’re gonna love it!!

[@wikiyea]

You have such a lovely supportive family that loves you so much and dont let your brain or anyone tell you other wise cause your wonderful in your own way, just keep up the good work and progress you been doing cause you worked so hard to get where you are right now and facing up to your fears instead of avoiding it. I hope you future has alots more of happiness and love.🙆‍♀️💖

[@LisaCarmen92]

This isn’t a recovery channel anymore it’s just a vlog channel showing what she eats. Breaks my heart to say it but I don’t think I can watch anymore. It’s like Groundhog Day, when I subscribed to get true motivation and help in recovery. You NEED to get a team of professionals to help you. If you want to gain you need a meal plan. You’ve skipped a huge step in recovery. You’ve jumped ahead to way down the line when you’re properly recovered. Making decisions on what to eat and how much to eat and when to eat is too much for you just now. Your head can’t cope with it, not when that voice is still so loud. You need to just let someone who knows what they’re doing plan it all out for you. And then you just concentrate on following it and getting through the struggles of that. It’s the only way you’re going to gain weight and get to a place where you’re healthy and strong enough to do all these things you’re talking about. I know how much you want to try all these new things and pick what you want etc and you will be able to, to a certain extent with a meal plan but you’re just not there yet to be eating normally and as little as you are. Also the constant asking should you have it, repeating that it’s the first time trying something, saying that you freaked out but your mum said have it, explaining 50 times what’s on your plate before eating it, repeating that it’s a fear food, constantly asking your mum if she likes it, constantly saying you’re scared before you take a bite....it all needs to stop elzani. Your family are right to be annoyed by it all, it’s gone on long enough! You’ll never recover if you keep that behaviour up! You talk about wanting to be normal etc, normal people don’t do that every time they eat. You need to just stop all of it. You’re 22 (and I say this with the best of intentions) but you act like a 12 year old. You need to step up and stop constantly looking to your mum/family to tell you it’s ok to eat something...you KNOW they’re never going to say no. I don’t want to sound harsh here but as someone who is also trying to recover (completely alone with no support like you do) I subscribed to you for encouragement and motivation and instead I’m actually finding it quite triggering. Unless things massively change for you soon I will be unsubscribing unfortunately.

[@8pawsandus176]

Everyday won’t be the same. Some days are just not as great, I have days where I do things different. Especially in recovery your going to run into this. The only thing that matter is you keep going and keep improving ♥️

[@kellyofearth2092]

Seeing you so upset breaks my heart. I hope you'll feel so much better and happy really soon! Don't forget how strong you can be. 💗🐛

[@filizmely]

I think you're doing great! Though I find it quite conspicuous how much you talk about food. Eg you talk about it (and present/show it) 20x before and after you buy something, before, during and after preparing it, before during and after every bite, after you've finished and even later in the day and during different meals. And before you apologise for being annoying, don't. It's your ED. And I'm not pointing this out bc I want you to feel bad, but bc I think you might not even notice that that's an ED thing as well. Yes food and eating is essential in recovery, but making it your main focus and making such an event out of it is not healthy either. Hope you get what I'm trying to say. Keep going ❤

[@Creative_contour]

This is so scary to watch. Unfortunately I know first hand that eating disorders can break families apart and I’m praying for peace in your family 🙏🏼

[@Jazzmine211]

Love when you upload long videos, and remember being upset is a good thing it means your going against what your head says and pushing threw it’s not going to be happy and easy, I’ll be proud when you have cream/ butter your bread .

[@BlueSkies910]

You should join an ED support group. It's not fair to dump all of your problems on your family like this. Also, at least then you would make some friends other than your mum.

[@amazing1933]

BlueSkies910 family is there to support you!😁 but yes, it would be beneficial if there was more help for everyone.

[@uritje]

You are being so hard on yourself, I see a beautiful, intelligent young woman with the world ahead of her. It's such a shame you don't see it yourself. You are so strong willed, I'm confident that you will beat this horrible disease and kick it in the ass!

[@raspberrydream7329]

I’m glad your mum is being open with her fears for your health - the fear in her eyes is constant. Please Elzani, get some professional help with a proper meal plan. The decision of what to eat, how much and when, whether you’ll like it or not etc, is all consuming for you at the moment. I can see how you are bravely trying new things, but you are NOT EATING NEARLY ENOUGH. Like others have said, your meal plans need to be put together by a dietician. I also think you need therapy too. Sending love and hope that you can find the strength to beat this disease. xxx

[@Birdie-ls2pm]

Babe eat more and think less. If your not doing it for you, do it for your family. Just some tips; Maybe when your eating don’t wait for others to finish before you start it’s a it strange. I hope you get better I realy do. Your mum is the most amazing woman and is doing so well I know how she feels as my sister had an Ed and Showed many traits like you, she went to therapy and over the past year has reached a normal weight. She was eating around 3000 calls per day and snacking between meals. Maybe try this approach. Or Try and get psychological help or therapy. Best of luck Elizani.

[@tofutofutofu444]

you're doing so amazingly angel, i hope you can find some therapy to help you deal with the thoughts behind everything because as hard as you're trying with the eating itself, it can't really just get fixed without some extra emotional support from someone outside of your family. so proud of you

[@mahdiehmohtasham]

Elzani you are amazing , every one happy that you r alive and we r soooo jealous to not have you in our life as a friend , you r such a pretty and strong girl , just listen to the people who love you and want you to live want you to be happy want you to grow old with them , don’t listen to Anorexia sound in your head it doesn’t want anything Good for you, we love you a lot you can success thissssssss

[@katherineellen3215]

Tiffany da Persian ❤️

[@chloeprewitt65]

i know everyone in the comments is giving you advice, but Elani you should just listen to your family and do whatever you can handle in your recovery right now! I know it must be overwhelming to have so many comments telling you what to do! We love you!

[@faeriesprout]

Chloe Prewitt that’s not the way to go. Her family isn’t professionals when it comes to eating disorders and her staying within her comfort zone or just slightly stepping out of it over and over and over again will just 1. burn her out (constant anxiety on her part, thinking about food and consequences all the time) and 2. leave her in quasi-recovery for as long as she keeps going. In order to get better you need to face your fears and step out of your comfort zone big time. It’s extremely exhausting in the beginning but it helps and that’s what professionals are there for. Her family is amazing but the part with the cheese was a prime example. They let her choose whether to eat it or not, which gave her anxiety, then chose for her, which gave her more anxiety. A strict plan would help tremendously.

[@chloeprewitt65]

Hungry Caterpillar i didn’t say she didn’t need a professionals help, I was saying that she doesn’t have to listen to every stranger on the internet, I’m sure getting so many comments telling her to do this and that is very overwhelming and makes her feel as though she’s not trying hard enough. I was just being encouraging