Ep. 148 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

[@grantgosselin7813]

Bert fucking up the Stalin quote and then saying I'm obsessed with history is a fantastic representation of why I love him

[@ENigma-um8zw]

Those who are ‘obsessed with history’ are doomed to repeat it lol

[@luffy101311]

@@HerkNewz69 Never understood the people who take Berts comedy so seriously, the mf gets so much shit just for being upbeat lol

[@grantgosselin7813]

@@HerkNewz69 you following proto?

[@banterwithbawden5444]

Ironically the same reason leads others the hate. What a beautiful world of perspective x

[@sentientcardboarddumpster7900]

@@HerkNewz69 woah it's the real Conald!

[@willmattimore5223]

“My inflammation is up… which is just a sign of being inflamed” Burnt Kreschier MD

[@impossiblegems]

Tom’s laugh at the ridiculousness of it

[@mathew8092]

Professor Brent Krystals MD PhD FACP 😀

[@DekkarJr]

more like Bloat Krysaliss

[@IlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlI]

Timestamp anyone? thx in advance

[@lucas7010]

Also a quote of Colin Powell's

[@augustkraus1389]

Bert telling the Paris nude art story, was the first time he's ever told a RELEVANT story without going on a million tangents and actually was coherent. Nice job Bert.

[@father3dollarbill]

Nice going, Barf.

[@nicolejaurequi8369]

Stops drinking for two weeks: starts to communicate better

[@kennethlamoreaux8027]

10/10 would listen again.

[@augustkraus1389]

@@kennethlamoreaux8027 uhhhhhhhundred percent

[@beckerickson8034]

Nicely done Brent

[@mhand4811]

i just watched Ep 47 with Leann. it's nice to see Bart is only 2 years behind realizing he uses horse clicks instead of words.

[@sm0keyMcP0t420]

better Tok'd than never I suppose.

[@nickelpenny1]

Lmao

[@hannahryanen3316]

bb. No n Nnnnnn​@@nickelpenny1 lol ll pop no

[@KingofKarnies]

He's acknowledged it before, but as usual he forgot.

[@overipecolt246]

Same XD that's hilarious

[@Squiggles95]

It’s nice to see Tim and Bart back together again

[@dentonvisual]

I miss Tom, though.

[@ETAisNOW]

@@dentonvisual nah Todd is psycho anyway

[@Janzer_]

Trent and Brent

[@snapees]

Nah. Dont miss brent

[@Amdy68]

Todd & Bark

[@scubaseppy]

When ever I hear someone in my normal life say 100%, I hear Bert say it in my head.

[@jackokeefe21]

Same lol

[@larrygraham4875]

.....a hund..too easy. Same here

[@D-Fens_1632]

Rogan does it too. Usually followed by "fuckin muuuuuuurdered. Muuuuuuurderrrrrrred. "

[@synboc]

Feels weird Tom being on the right and Bert on the left for some reason haha

[@TrollHunterxXx]

Yeah it does king

[@cassierussell6281]

For sure I want them to switch 🤣🤣 feels like bertcast

[@raynevarez1680]

Yes it's does. The universe is flipped around

[@adammike3376]

I had to watch it in a mirror! 🤣

[@larrygraham4875]

A lil wierd fo sure

[@zeethefuture8262]

"My tests are PEEERFECT. Except liver is at 37 out of 35, testosterone levels are super low, my face loses the ability to smile when I drink tequila". Yup, Bert is 100%

[@jackcorrigan6258]

uhhHUNDREDpercent

[@edenzero8064]

Amen

[@nicolejaurequi8369]

🤣🤣

[@allencabbage4564]

I bet “My test is real low” means bert is gonna get jacked on that TRT soon 😂

[@KitchenerLeslie2]

Don’t forget his inflamated inflammations.

[@ksage81]

Bert listing off what he likes about Christy Mack "she likes f***ing dogs" 😂😂

[@Revman210]

At least they have something in common lol

[@djdavidastbury]

That was subtle so that was a good catch 😂

[@tomsarrels8980]

I am watching right now and had to pause to come see the comments about him saying that hahahahahaha

[@mattyb1551]

“It would be irresponsible for me to even speculate” -things I wouldn’t expect to hear from Bert

[@DekkarJr]

I think its more irresponsible for him NOT to.

[@sambbk7203]

The sentence/meaning as a whole, the concepts of irresponsibility and speculation, word choice... yeah I see your point. A number of unexpected from the great Bertrude Spankler.

[@slimdaniels3322]

@@sambbk7203 do you speak like this on a day to day basis?

[@sambbk7203]

@@slimdaniels3322 All day every day love

[@slimdaniels3322]

@@sambbk7203 that’s awesome

[@CraigSmith-qq3sr]

Two Bears Monday, wonderful way to start the week.

[@connorgerrish3421]

Best way to start the week

[@cassierussell6281]

Right!! Then danny brown on tuesdays! Such a good way to begin the week lol

[@rabblerabble18]

I’m convinced Bert has never seen a doctor in his life.

[@littlewigglemonster7691]

You’d be surprised, I am one of those people who should be dead from all drugs and alcohol I consumed managed to always have perfect health on check ups and my family always expected massive list of things wrong. I’m sober now unlike him thought better get that in check before my luck runs out lol

[@philly5553]

Bet selective hearing at it's finest..."your blood work is good... If you were 80 yr old man...So I'm hearing my blood work is good. "

[@beckerickson8034]

At a minimum he has a prescriber, 😂

[@stacysmom2748]

Oh he sees them 🤣🤣🤣

[@arthurrfagundes16]

I think he Just see a Guy thats not even a doctor, but the Guy convinced him he is ok

[@CjMooseChuckle_1]

1:02:41 for Tim Dillion’s Bert description. Amazing!!!

[@RaDicAL808]

Bert: I haven’t had a drink in two whole weeks. Also Bert: I had a drink on LeeAnn’s bday. Which was Saturday.

[@ez123489]

Hard to take this guy seriously man....Bert "i speak in hyperbole" Kreischer

[@danielmeuler2877]

it was Wine, he doesn't really count wine. lol

[@8thlvlMage]

@@danielmeuler2877 But an alcoholic wouldn't, would they?

[@DekkarJr]

Meanwhile at thousands of AA meetings all over the world streaming 2 Bears 1 Cave: Patrick Stuart Facepalm He is an insult to us addicts that are actually sober. I'm going on 3 years this Dec. 1st. The reason he hasn't stopped is because he doesn't face the consequences a lot of normal people do. For me it was death, prison or homelessness. Oddly enough it was a State trooper that convinced me to stop while he was arresting me. He said words I had heard many times but the way he said it finally clicked with me for w/e reason. Shout out to officer Nakagawa of FL state troopers; you saved my life. :3

[@xellffs6258]

Ahhhh hahahaaaa. Jesus. I hate how much comment threads make me realize how much I'm like Bruce.

[@LukeT84]

I like most of the guests but you just can’t beat the bears together!

[@amandabaehman5151]

faaaaaaacts

[@RandyNachoManSandwich]

Whitney's episode suckkkked.

[@ifancyurmom]

@@RandyNachoManSandwich it always does lol I don’t even bother clicking when I see her face

[@chineduogboh4594]

RIGHT

[@makeMATADOR]

@@RandyNachoManSandwich whitney in general grinds my gears😅

[@JunkBondTrader]

Tom: "Victoria is on the way to Vancouver" haha that's funny considering Victoria is on an island.

[@wonderboy7025]

Burt ALWAYS makes me feel better about myself. Keep being you Brent! Tom, keep on being the "yes and..." man for bront

[@Jacob-zv7xw]

it’s called an enabler 😂

[@angiemarriott]

Thank you for talking about the down side of porn. Respect that you aren’t bashing the industry. I divorced my husband because the relationships with the fantasy changed him. He lives in a fantasy world all the time. Doesn’t leave much for putting energy into a normal relationship that involves kids, bills and life. This was one of the best, healthy glimpses of porn that doesn’t get talked about. Thank you!

[@buildfear9507]

I can't imagine why he'd want to live in a "fantasy world" where you've stated a "normal relationship" is all "kids, bills and life"... I think you meant to write "boring relationship". You know there's more than one way to live, right? You've chosen to follow the traditional route laid out to you by society and what's "expected" of you - sounds like he wasn't happy with that. Don't think that's porn's fault. There's plenty wrong with porn, but I don't think you can blame porn for this one. It would have manifested through other channels if not porn. Some people just don't want to live a boring as sh*t life of "kids, bills and life" until they die...

[@JayMac]

Never thought I’d look forward to Brent interrupting Tim but this is definitely welcome after the last one lol

[@heads_together_crypto2422]

Funny how I can't remember the last one lol.

[@giantturd5157]

Nobody cares dude

[@daegiovanni5864]

@@giantturd5157 I care, now what?

[@Shway_Maximus]

I only got halfway through the last one, definitely forgettable

[@JayMac]

@@giantturd5157 You seem like fun. Clicked on your pic and i see you’ve been fighting for Whitney for a week now… Nothing weird about that at all😆

[@Charleymurphey]

Sober Bert adds so much more value to the podcast. First good back and forth convo I’ve seen from them in a while

[@trikstrr5277]

Bert slurring, “I decided to hop OFF the wagon and get my shit together” funniest shit

[@robertpetrie6999]

At 48:25 Bert: "This is the exact one I saw, this is the EXACT one I saw, this is LEGIT one I saw" Tom "we got it"

[@elijahhardy2143]

Been waiting for these two happy Monday everyone

[@DeafunkPlus]

i think what Bert was conveying with following the life of christy mack and meeting her in person is probably what defines the situation and consequences of parasocial relationships through consuming their content and personal life on the internet and then meeting them in real life without them explicitly opening up personally in a real genuine conversation.

[@sethmichael1735]

You know you're not supposed to make cohesive points in the KZbin comments. Knock it off.

[@RealRKelly.]

you gotta relax lol ur trying to analyze the hell out of this

[@shrutefarms4741]

@@sethmichael1735 😂😂

[@DeafunkPlus]

@@sethmichael1735 you're right, this is the KZbin comment section, i don't know what came over me, i should know better 😂

[@tattooed_dude]

"My inflammation was up, but she said it's just a sign of......just being inflamed." Wow, thanks for the clarification Bert.

[@VideoNozoki]

I LOVE when they are both sober, and the conversations follow single ideas in a coherent way... Both people CONTRIBUTE to the conversation (so less frustrating to watch). Good Show!!!

[@GymAndSun]

You’re throwing me off with the chair switching 😆

[@bulletboy773]

“She had a cool look… she liked snakes, I like snakes… she liked fucking dogs…” I knew there was a reason Brent Krystals liked Christy Mac

[@sethmichael1735]

I was looking for the person who called this out lol

[@kenbillingsley9239]

You guys make my Monday mornings so much more than they otherwise would be lol. Thank you, Bears.

[@JimCorrigan777]

I love that Tom watches the most fucked up things the internet has to offer but draws the line at sounding.

[@c0mpoot3rn3rd]

Pretty sure we just saw this done with a heel on the last ymh live

[@sentientcardboarddumpster7900]

He's trying to throw us off, I'm sure it's one of his favorite things to have done to him

[@hankr.h.1032]

@@c0mpoot3rn3rd that should have been the finale.

[@jaredzueck4179]

@@sentientcardboarddumpster7900 h mynnjyjyj huh mymhuhjjjjunmujuhj

[@richardbutkis]

They don't watch that fucked up of shit. Back in the early days of the internet had way more fucked up shit.

[@Ohlook_its_chris]

“The death of thousands is a statistic” is a quote from Stalin☠️Not exactly very uplifting Brett😂😂

[@BEERBOMB113]

Lmfao oh that's classic

[@anthonyzullo]

The actual quote is "one death is tragic, a million is just a statistic." That quote is why I got into stats. It's not a tyrants mentality, it's a leadership mentality. To be a leader you have to at some point separate yourself and lead. Yes, it's morally corrupt to YOU lol, but grandma's death on paper is a number. Tragedy to you, insurance premiums to others.

[@lbfourtwenty4163]

Also that's not what he said, it was something like a thousand deaths is a tragedy and a million deaths is a statistic

[@popularegg666]

All Stalin did was say something that was true and still is true. did you not just also live through COVID like me? lol fuck. its not meant to be uplifting, reality often isnt uplifting.

[@Ohlook_its_chris]

@@popularegg666 I was just pointing out how goofy it was that Bert was saying such a dark quote in such an excited way, but I’ll bite on your comment - “All Stalin Did…”? You know the estimates of the number he killed start at 20 million people right😂? He’s on the short list of the most evil people in history my dude lmao

[@sam-the-man8500]

Tim Dillons joke about Bert was funny as hell ;I had to pause the video and LMAO for a good 4 mins .......good one Tim

[@82PeRK]

Time stamp please?

[@daegiovanni5864]

40:45 I love that Bert's wife feels she needs to tell him to wash his hands after deucing. bahaahahahah

[@BadGoyz4Life]

She better make sure he wipes his ass bare handed. Probably just uses water no soap anyway.

[@Cloudroth]

I love how Bert will brag that he hasn't drank in weeks, oh besides two days ago, that doesn't count 🤣

[@clevermissfox]

That's how his brain has to categorize it or he has no time left and he may as well drink again

[@jstjust.1088]

This prolly was recorded like two weeks ago,

[@The_Real_Professor_Oak]

I love how many times Brent needs to confirm you're looking at the right thing "yup this is the one, this one is the one, this is the EXACT one. This is the one I saw. Uh-hundred percent this is the exact one."

[@KidBaklava504]

Bertie boy has been doing “tch tch” for like five years now. Booze is killing his brain.

[@RolandSpecialSauce]

What is tch tch?

[@KidBaklava504]

@@RolandSpecialSauce the eye wink and tongue click thing that Bert does

[@82PeRK]

He is a lil TAR TAR

[@BadGoyz4Life]

It's probably just because one person only now called him out on it that it's on his mind

[@hollyeasley2928]

Wernicke-Korsakoff Syndrome is a real thing. Wet Brain. It’s scary. I’m sad to see such an awesome dude keep slipping further into the liquor pool. All the money in the world won’t help repair all the damage he is doing to himself.❤️

[@aaronbradley]

Hey Bert, “God rest their souls” is something you say about dead people.

[@PoloboyJacob]

When he said “Uhh I’m assuming that’s somebody that’s definitely not connected to the inheritance” made me cry laughing 😂😂

[@miguelgonzalez97]

Bart is the type of guy to ask a question just so he can give his own follow up answer

[@antoinej18]

That arm and hammer shit with Bert was hilarious....so got damn wrong in the most Bert way 😂

[@andrewschmid5917]

Even with Tom and Bert together, not the same without Nadav cackling

[@Kickb4ck]

6:29 "I think it's pretty public, I posted it on Instagram" lol

[@issaghost2945]

"This is the exact one I saw, this is the EXACT one I saw. THIS IS IT. THIS IS THE EXACT ONE I WATCHED." I wonder if that was the video he saw. 😅

[@ToughLuckHaze]

Tom: “stalking you down the hallway was so exhilarati-ALRIGHT WELP” 💀💀💀🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

[@akessler25]

I knew the moment Tom was actually genuinely happy with Barts question there was no way he was ever gonna shut up long enough for Tom to give a complete answer

[@noahbixnash]

Im glad tom brought up tim dillon on ymh live because tim was absolutely brilliant on that

[@identified_Vibe]

Nothing like a new episode of 2 bears 1 cave to get through this long ass shift, y’all make it easier 🙏🏼

[@Betty-Boop809]

This and especially BAD FRIENDS makes my Mondays GREAT.

[@KickassMcfly]

The biggest reason I watch 2 bears 1 cave; Tom and Bert tell each other "I love you"

[@DJFullHam]

If Bert's liver test came back perfect then I'm a purple elephant.

[@caseyrsummers]

Tom is the king of "I member" I listen to everything he does and I swear he never says the full word "Remember" lol

[@EvanEraTV]

monday morning let’s go

[@taylorgill5961]

Hands down all the jokes aside it’s so refreshing watching these two guys together cause you can really see how much they enjoy each other and love each other

[@heads_together_crypto2422]

Morning bears. Was watching Johnny Knoxville on Steve-O but I'm here because of loyalty.

[@CS_Sardine]

Was that on Steve-O's podcast?

[@heads_together_crypto2422]

@@CS_Sardine yes. From 6 months ago. 3 million views. Now I need to watch these jackass films.

[@PBRHydra420]

@@CS_Sardine yeah forever ago that was jackass forever promotion 😂

[@CS_Sardine]

@@PBRHydra420 ty ,oh yeye thought it was recent lol.

[@leonunlimited7552]

BERT, ON THE WAGON IS SOBER!! JS

[@paranoidandroid8543]

Bert is the kind of person that has mayonnaise on the corner of his mouth for hours.

[@mattnara4917]

The whole Hammer hit piece is hilarious lol I agree with Tom on this one 😂

[@Rio_Redd]

Tom: “I have alot of thoughts on porn” Bert: “I’d like to hear all of em”

[@blakenoland5391]

This show HAS to stay you two . It just is not the same without both of you.

[@MeticulousTechTV]

This was one of the best convos the bears have had in awhile! Think Bert being (mostly) sober helped a lot to let Tom take him seriously. And Bert’s interruptions were at an all time low for a change

[@madpaul31]

OKAY STOP: This might be the single greatest, realest, most down to earth episode of a podcast ever had. Had. Because yes in fact this is an event in history. You know what I mean

[@richardandrade9418]

The bears are back

[@skeevysteve8245]

The bears together is the only thing that kept me from an existential crisis this morning.

[@mathew8092]

TOM: All of your tests are good? BERT: Yeah. I know. Isn't that crazy? TOM: Wait - all of them? BERT: All. Of Them. All - (pauses) - my testosterone's really low. TOM: Okay. But blood work? BERT: Perfect. TOM: Liver? BERT: Perfect! (pause) Uhhhhh - not perfect. It's, uh, I think the range is 4 to 35. And I'm 37. ..... TOM: And your brain's okay? BERT: I don't think so...

[@josephzuniga3964]

Not the same without Native’s laugh…

[@rangleski3695]

I was 3/4ths of the way through and didn't realise!!! Your so right, I couldn't tell what was off

[@jhvibes3471]

It's the necessary laugh track required for anyone to identify "funny" moments

[@buzzybee186]

Missing the ginger jew this episode

[@schingh1973]

It’s Paddy O’Callahan!

[@slax4884]

Native?

[@nickelpenny1]

Finally we got Tom and Burnt back!

[@meghankeller4871]

Did anyone think of Tom’s bit when Birt goes, “you’re shooting september 4? My birthday is September 3”

[@slickdimitri830]

Excellent! Can’t wait for Bart to give Tommy a brutal ear beating!

[@Garrettkoepp69]

Love the cornhusker dedication shoutout at the end

[@benblake4448]

Podcast made Mondays worth looking forward to

[@tonytejano6340]

Bert’s outlook In life give me such positivity for my day

[@gabrielsanford7914]

The bears are back in town!

[@marienickle7677]

What a monday!!! These guys are my life bread to get into the day!!!

[@Betty-Boop809]

Try Bad Friend’s, that’ll be the butter to your bread

[@powerofthetime]

Finally! The bears are back in town

[@photahnics]

“You know he had nothing to do with Arm & Hammer right?” Lmao classic Burt

[@heh_128]

My favorite podcast of the week! The best start to a Monday. Period. Love you guys!!!!

[@strangeadv4977]

Love all the silly and fun comments that this community comes up with....At the end of the day, we all appreciate a true/unconditional best friend...I am blessed 🙌 Don't settle on your best bud/chick 🤘

[@7Kiddo]

Barnt watching the Armie Hammer reel like "Damn.... That guys super lucky.. I mean, what a nightmere"

[@kayleeparker4861]

Are we going to acknowledge that Burt called goosebumps, chillybumps? Hahahaha

[@ImmortalAbsenon]

Every single time Bart “gives something up” he actually means he hasn’t done it for a few hours

[@tioray8755]

My boy Bert is just inflamed 🤣🤣🤣

[@garrettrutkowski9430]

Mondays aren’t so bad when the bears are back in the cave

[@greggosling2807]

Toms smile at bert during the Armie video hahahahaha

[@graysonroyal]

Tom doing a piece of the Magnolia monologue. "Life is fucking long" 🤗

[@cizrek]

I love that Bert works out a lot and never looks much better and I never work out and I look fine. Thanks Bert.

[@markrychorcewicz6559]

Holy cow Bert let Tom talk this episode

[@guuumby_1468]

“…by the way it’s standing a little bit.” Hahahahahahahahahaha

[@healz8284]

I love this podcast

[@rrubyy754]

As someone who makes p*rn, it is incredibly common to run into people who can't separate the performance from reality. I liked that this was a healthy conversation about p*rn. It was super interesting to hear.

[@rrubyy754]

As I keep getting into the podcast, its so funny to hear them talk about making p8rn. I wish I could have had this convo with them to talk about the behind the scenes

[@matthewneubeck4421]

Bart causally dropping a Stalin quote is pretty fun ngl

[@007meechy9]

this might be the only thing that can save my monday morning hangover

[@Betty-Boop809]

Bad Friends 🥰

[@chaos_omega]

I love how Bert says Spokane. Wonder how he would say Coeur D'alene...

[@michaelking4757]

Coincidentally, my favorite Alter Bridge song...

[@rontoothaker4045]

YES! The boys are back together. I hate Monday’s but I love lasagna and Bert and Tom

[@amberharris9097]

Bert talking about weed being on his tour bus and going into Canada as if Tom doesn’t have the same joke in his current set lmaooooo

[@harshman121092]

Tom is lowkey an Armie Hammer Stan 😂💀

[@TheBossmanJLw6v2]

Tom's head looks like it's made of velvet right now 🤣🤣🤣

[@codypickell9299]

Babbel helps with your 'pronounce-iation"...does anyone else see the irony here? 😂 Tom 100% pulled a Bert. What a nightmere.

[@RolandSpecialSauce]

Who watches the ads?

[@tommydowling4552]

@@RolandSpecialSauce Tim Dillon taught me to watch the ads

[@rickyreign2601]

@@tommydowling4552 taught you? Im genuinely curious what he said to get you to not scrub through the ads. Like no joke, I wanna know.

[@honey.shirin]

I thought I was the only one that caught that. Bart is rubbing off on him 😁

[@Z-pizzle23]

@@rickyreign2601 Tim Dillon, bill burr and Rick glassman all make their ads hilarious n part of the show so we don't skip them

[@k.o.t.2times339]

Y’all 2 jive turkeys crack me up 😂

[@wasssup7573]

Bert is looking healthy

[@rissa21011]

I have a birthday idea for Bret. He’s always talking how he wishes how he knew about fashion and what looks good on him. How about leeann sets up something with a stylist who respects him and knows what he likes to wear and gives him some choices of everyday wear and some upscale choices that he can get trashed in but also feels good in. Not a whole new wardrobe but a few pieces. They can also give him tips on how to know what looks good on him and how to pick stuff out on his own.

[@kevinnaughton9597]

lol @ Bert unknowingly quoting Stalin and then saying "I'm really into history"